A Blank Page.qxd - The Orange Peel Gazette

Est. 2000
Orange Peel Gazette
Vol. 13, Issue 2
May 27, 2013
SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 4
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Thank you for your
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www.Foshee Jewelers.com
863-686-3479
943 EAST PARKER ST., LAKELAND, FL
COURT DOCUMENTS
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2
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863-667-2278
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NEW BATTERIES
6 VOLT $430 $410 • 8 VOLT $595 $500
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NEW SERVICE DONE AT OUR SHOP!
M O T O R S P E E D UP
S TAR TING AT
Junk Science
A student won first prize at the local high school
science fair. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk
science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of
the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO)."
And for plenty of good reasons, since: 1. it can cause
excessive sweating and vomiting 2. sometimes called
hydric acid, it is a major component in acid rain 3. it
can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion
and to the "greenhouse effect" 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands every year. 8. prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue
damage Despite the danger, DHMO is often used: 1.
as an industrial solvent and coolant 2. in nuclear
power plants 3. in the production of styrofoam 4. as a
fire retardant 5. in many forms of animal research 6.
in the distribution of pesticides 7. as an additive in
"junk-foods" and other food products He asked 50
people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Fortythree (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided, and only one
(1) knew that the chemical was water. The title of his
prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He
felt the conclusion was obvious.
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2
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Broadway
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Ron Hamilton, Auctioneer
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An Irish Toast
A guy raises his glass and toasts his girlfriend.
"May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil
knows you're dead!" "What's that mean?" "That is an
authentic Irish toast." "Oh. In that case, here's to
bread, eggs and cinnamon." "Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?" "That's French toast."
Jury Duty
As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few
hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury
duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns
40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names
are placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.
During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked
potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could
not be a fair and impartial juror. "There may be," he
replied. "Juror No.1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on
the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree
on anything." Both were excused.
Jury Questions
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury
duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing
lawyers. "Have you ever dealt with an attorney?"
asked the plaintiff's lawyer. "Yes. I had an attorney
write my living trust," she responded. "And how did
that turn out?" "I don't know," she said. "Ask me
when I'm dead."
4
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5
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Curiosity
$53,900
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145 S. Hankin Rd., Bartow, FL
Our six-year-old daughter, Terra, has a need to ask
questions ... lots of questions. Finally, one day, my
wife had it. "Have you ever heard that curiosity killed
the cat?" my wife asked. "No," replied Terra. "Well,
there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one
day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!"
Wide-eyed, Terra whispered: "What was in the hole?"
The Gamblers LP
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister,
played poker for small stakes ... once a week. The
only problem was that they lived in a very conservative, "blue-law" town. The sheriff raided their game,
and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired
of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The
priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord,
forgive me!", and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I
was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?"
the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the
priest's actions, and said, "No, your honor, I wasn't."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked:”
Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The Rabbi eyed him
coolly, and replied . . . "With whom?"
Can you call someone on the other side of
the international date line and get tomorrow's
winning lottery numbers?
WE PRICE THE JOB
WE DO THE WORK!
“If you have a tree problem,
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S TU M P G R IN D I NG • T R EE TR I MM IN G
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He’s Got A Point
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife
when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked
why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah,
m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once, than a
different man every week?"
Senior Moment Prayer
God grant me the Senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
When I'm finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone decide to play chess?
~ In God
We Trust ~
What Nationality Were They?
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a
painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Look
their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked,
and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes,
no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They
are Russian."
Speeding Ticket Inquiry
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a
motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of
them you get a bicycle."
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
7
OPG’s Summer Camping Tips
Q. What equipment will I need to go camping?
A. You need a tent. Tent sizes are measured in
units of men, as in "a three-man tent"; this tells you
how many men are required to erect the tent if they
are all professional tent engineers. Even then, the tent
will collapse under unusual weather conditions, such
as nightfall. You will also need a hatchet, for the spiders, and a credit card, for the motel.
Q. Where should I go camping?
A. The United States has a spectacular national
park system with millions of unspoiled acres where
wildlife is protected by federal laws. Avoid these
places. You want a commercial facility with a name
like "The Stop 'n' Squat Kountry Kamp-ground,"
where large animals cannot fit through the 6-inch gaps
between the Winnebagos.
Q. How much food should I take?
A. A lot. You'll be providing food not only for your
family, but also for the entire raccoon community.
Cute Baby
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a
cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the
new parents." "No," he replied, "just to those whose
babies are really good-looking." "So what do you say to
the others?" I asked. "He looks just like you."
POLK COUNTY’S MOST TRUSTED JEWELER SINCE 1953
10% OFF JEWELRY REPAIRS
10% OFF CERTIFIED JEWELRY APPRAISALS
25% OFF ALL JEWELRY IN STOCK
50% OFF ALL GRANDFATHER
CLOCKS IN STOCK
Not valid with any other offer. • Expires 8/31/13
943 EAST PARKER ST., LAKELAND, FL
863-686-3479
w w w . Fo s he eJ ew e le rs . co m
Thank you for your trust for
over 60 years. C lyde Foshee
OPG’S MODERN MEDICINE
Page 8
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No More Driver’s Licensed RY
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was
startled by a late model car that came crashing through
his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to
help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her
down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "you
appear quite elderly to be driving." "Well, yes, I am,"
she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am
now old enough that I don't even need a driver's
license anymore. "The last time I went to my doctor,
he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I
told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors
out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and
threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't
need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
Ain't Ya Proud?? DS
When a soldier is killed in the line of duty,
his family eventually gets a flag and a note
conveying sympathy and respect from the
United States Government. When an NBA basketball
player announces he is gay, he immediately gets a personal phone call from the President congratulating him
for his courage. Am I missing something?
College Football Observation RY
Just wondering! Alabama beat Arkansas and they
fired the coach. Alabama beat Tennessee and they fired
the coach. Alabama beat Auburn and they fired the
coach. Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope
resigns... Damn, I wish the White House had a team.
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OPG’S MODERN MEDICINE
Cleaning Day
Page 9
David Arango, M.D.
ORTHOPEDICS
& SPORTS
MEDICINE INSTITUTE
Saturday had always been "cleaning day" in at our
house, and my mother still adhered to the ritual even
after all her children had left the nest. When I stopped
by to visit her one Saturday, I was surprised to find
her relaxing in a favorite chair. "Aren't you feeling
well?" I asked. "I feel fine." "But you're not cleaning." "After all these years I've finally figured out
how to get it done in half the time," Mom told me. "I
simply take off my glasses."
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Croutons
To make ends meet, I wait tables at a popular restau1120 Carlton Ave. Suite 1400, Lake Wales, FL
rant on weekends. After ordering the lunch special, one
575 East Central Ave., Winter Haven, FL
couple requested extra croutons on their salads, so I
1507 Lakeland Hills Blvd. Suite 107, Lakeland, FL
complied. But returning to the table to refill their cofPhone: 863 324-6100
fee cups, I noticed they had set all the croutons aside.
Thinking I had misunderstood their request, I apologized for giving them so many. "There's been no mistake, we did ask for extra," the man replied. "They're a
MELISSA K. CRAFT - HEARING AID SPECIALIST
favorite of our goats."
Artis Bassett Hearing Aids
Counting in Church
Recently while we were eating lunch after church
one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the
highest number I had ever counted up to was. I told
him I didn't know. Then I asked him how high he has
counted. "5,372," came the prompt reply. "Oh," I said.
"Why did you stop there?" "The sermon was over."
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Cold Air
One afternoon, while touring the Canyonlands of
southern Utah, my husband and I pulled into the only
hotel in a small town. While signing the register, we
asked the young woman behind the desk if our room
was air-conditioned. When she shook her head no, we
hesitated, wondering if we should push on to the next
town. Sensing our doubt, she brightened as she came
up with a solution. "Just turn on the heater," she suggested. "Our customers tell us all that comes out is
cold air anyway."
Cuisine
Stationed with the Army near Tokyo, I taught a
conversational English class to a group of Japanese
businessmen. Wishing to acquaint me with their cuisine, my class took me to dinner at a local restaurant.
I've never enjoyed seafood, and my hosts noticed my
lack of enthusiasm when the odd assortment of raw
and cooked fish was served. Intent on saving the
evening, one man asked if I'd like a pizza. I accepted
with delight. Soon a smiling waitress came to our
table and placed before me a large, hot pizza - piled
high with squid.
Knowledge and Wisdom
The difference between Knowledge and Wisdom:
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting tomatoes in a fruit salad.
10
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Special 5% Discount on Many Buildings
Remember, ”Bugs Don’t Eat Steel.”
CALL 863-978-8586
www.USABARNSANDGARAGES.com
863-438-8007
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Hearing Aid
My wife and I laughed when John, a neighbor, told
us how his hearing aid occasionally emits a highpitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him.
His granddaughter was sitting on his lap one day when
the device started to beep. Surprised, the granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Oh, Grampa, you've
got e-mail!"
Life Insurance
Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at
the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she
asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he
dies? What will I get?" The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."
New Father
The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do
everything right. "So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his
new family headed out the hospital door, "what time
should we wake the little guy in the morning?"
Late to School
The father said, "My son used to be late to school
every day. I fixed that when I bought him a used car!"
"Now, he is there early every day, to get a parking spot!"
What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
11
LOOKING
FOR A
VEHICLE?
No Pressure!
Tell Me what You want
to pay per month!
Allow me to do the paperwork
on the vehicle you want.
No Worries!
Douglas J. Maynard
“The Guy in the Hat” 14 Years at
863-206-1511
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
12
5900 17-92 W,
HAINES CITY, FL
Sister Temperance RY
John was sitting outside his local pub one day,
enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about
863-956-1460 himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and
Since 1951
MONDAY - SATURDAY starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be
9AM 5PM
FRESH FLORIDA ORANGES & GRAPEFRUITS
ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin!
is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets
Home of The FREE BIRTHDAY SHORTCAKE Alcohol
pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother
Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink
yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have
never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a
drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I
will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit
outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever
know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes
inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple
vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says
to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a
TASTE of FLORIDA
teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
Strawberry
Shortcake
at Lang’s
C A F È ... More Than Just Lunch
FAMILY RECIPES • FAMOUS DESSERTS
Home Made Soups • Delicious Sandwiches
Fresh Salads with Gourmet Dressing
TEXAS CATTLE
COMPANY
www.langsuncountry.com
The Sign of Great Steaks!
Prime and choice Colorado grain
fed beef. Aged 4-6 weeks, hand cut
fresh everyday and cooked over an
open wood pit at 1,100 degrees...
......”Soooooooooo good!
Reservations Suggested • 863-686-1434
735 E. Main St
Lakeland, FL
Visit us at:
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Senior Ads RY
These are actual ads seen in ''The Villages''
Florida newspaper.
SEXY LADY- Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired
beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for
sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching
white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT- Recent widow
who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting,
shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW - I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are
the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids
out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE - Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser To share rare
steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like
to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still
like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or
are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to
my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES - I can usually remember Monday
through Thursday. If you can remember Friday,
Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION - Male, 1932 model , high
mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts
including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running
condition, but walks well.
If toast always lands butter-side down and cats
always land on their feet, what happens if you strap
toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright~
MUSIC & BINGO & LOTS OF FUN
Car Sale
A liberal tried to sell her old car. She was having a
lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000
miles on the odometer. One day, she told her problem
to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told
her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to
sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied
the liberal, "I really need to sell the car." "Okay," said
her friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He
owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will
turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles.
Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to
the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked her,
"Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the liberal,
"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Helpful Zachary DE CHS 61
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the
bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the
toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran
to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He
held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We
better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.
If a train-station is where a train stops,
what happens at a workstation?
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Page 14
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Times Have Changed !
HWY 92 WEST OF AUBURNDALE, FL
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine
anything worse than being old...How awful it must be
to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the
walls or watch TV. So last week, when the mayor suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I determined to do just that. I
would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired
gentleman, recently widowed, who, I presumed, had
moved in with his married daughter because he was
too old to take care of himself. I baked a batch of
brownies, and, without bothering to call (some old
people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten
this old guy's day.When I rang the doorbell this "old
guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a
polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as
Donny Osmond. "I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he
said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the
Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semi-finals
today." "Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some
brownies... "Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box.
"Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks
so much!" "...and just thought we'd visit a while. But
that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on
Granny Grady..." "Don't bother," he said. "Gran's
not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our
date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty
shop. She mentioned at breakfast that she had an
appointment for a tint job." I called my Mother's
cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital...working in
the gift shop. I called my aunt (age 74); she was on
vacation in China. I called my husband's uncle (age
79). I forgot; he was on his honeymoon... called my
former boss (age 80), he was out playing golf. His girl
friend who answered said they were leaving on a
cruise tomorrow. I still dread old age, now more than
ever. I just don't think I'm up to it. Today's Senior's
are a wild, go go group of people who never stop!
Since I'm only 41, I think I'll go take a nap and rest.
•In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80
years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich
buried its head in the sand. Where’s Obama’s head?
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189 Pieces
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order
as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy
arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it
could be put together in an hour. However it took the
old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it
was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189
pieces and mailed it off to the company.
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Old Ammunition
HOMETOWN
HIGH SCHOOL
CLASS RING
Headquarters!
HOURS: 10-6 MON- FRI •10-4 SAT
1415 Third St, SW • Winter Haven, FL
863-299-8800
U.S. Highway 98 North • Lakeland, FL
863-816-2800
CASH FOR GOLD OR SILVER
A couple came to the police department, wanting to
dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk
officer a wooden box and said that it contained two
shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from
World War II. "We didn't know what to do with them,"
the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept
the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet,
away from our children." The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when
he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing
a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the
officer removed the top of the other shell and found a
hard white substance. There was no doubt about it.
They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.
Hooks
"What did you do this weekend?" "I dropped some
hooks into the water." "How was the fishing?" "Fishing?
I wasn't fishing; I was golfing."
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
16
Hiring The New Yorker
A construction boss in Boston was interviewing
men when along came a guy named Vinny from New
York. I'm not hiring any cocky New Yorker, the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny
wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be
able to refuse him the job Without getting into a dispute. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he
proceeds to draw 3 trees. “What's this?" the boss asks.
The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains?
Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedabout it......"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second
question. Use the same rules, but this time use the
number 99." Vinny stares into space for a minute, then
picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy." The Boss
scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get
that to represent 99?" Vinny says "Each a da tree's is
dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree' n dirty treedat's 99". The Boss is getting worried he's going to
have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right,
last question. Same rules but this time use 100."
Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of
each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert." The
Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You
must Be nuts if you think that represents 100!" New
York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at
the base Of the trees. "A little doggie comes along
and takes a dump on each a dem trees, so now ya got
dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an'
a turd - which makes one hundred. Bada boom , bada
bing. When do I start?”
homes
of Central Florida
Seven Iron?
Ken and Mike are playing golf one day and Ken
hits a hook off the tee into a deep ravine running
alongside the fairway. He goes down into the ravine to
look for his ball while Mike takes the cart over to the
other side of the fairway. After a while, Mike realizes
that he hasn't seen Keith in quite some time so he goes
back over to the ravine. Looking down, he sees his
partner sitting on the ground shaking uncontrollably.
Next to him is a skeleton clutching a seven iron with a
golf ball next to his feet. Mike descends into the
ravine and helps Keith stand up. After he composes
himself, Keith says "What do you think we should
do?" "Well," says Mike, "I sure don't think you want
to use your seven iron."
Routine Exam
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes,
they used to be," the patient said sadly.
Stop by or call today for your
FREE QUALIFICATION and know
your buying power upfront
863-606-0707
4612 Hwy 92 East, Lakeland, FL
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
Interesting Facts
AIRPORT
17
T
She Stabbed a Man. Judge Does WHAT?
Leah Marie Fairbanks of Duluth, Minnesota pleadRANSPORTATION
ed guilty to first-degree assault for stabbing Ciro
SERVING ALL CENTRAL FLORIDA AIRPORTS
Carales-Toledo five times when the two got in a fight
Cash or
last May. Fairbanks, who is 26, was drunk at the time.
Credit Card
Her sentence: Judge Terry Hallenbeck has ordered her
Drop off & Pick up • Reasonable rates
to read and prepare reports on eight works, including
the Declaration of Independence, Emily Dickinson's
Also Available for Local Transportation
"We Never Know," and Ernest Hemingway's "The Old in the Sebring Area - Appointments, etc.
Man and the Sea." You read that right! She stabbed a
guy five times and as punishment she has to write
book reports. The judge also sentenced her to 14
months probation. If she doesn't do her homework,
she'll get up to eight years in the slammer. Needless to
say, this was a radical departure from the traditional
sentencing guidelines. Fairbanks reportedly has a high
IQ and is trying hard to turn her life after a divorce in
which she lost custody of her children. She had no
prior offenses. Still, a different judge sentenced David
Lee Mitchell, who also pleaded guilty to first-degree
assault for the same fight, to eight years in prison. He
does have a prior criminal record of robberies.
Fairbanks' attorney, John Lind, told the Associated
Press, "It takes a lot of courage for a judge like
Hallenbeck to do what he did. He just decided this
person was worthy of a chance to be rehabilitated." By
book reports? The judge wrote : "If she fails, it will be
Holidays
because of chemicals. She cannot handle any alcohol.
Sales Events
It is poison to her... intellect."
Christmas
M erry
863-214-8139
MERCHANTS &
BUSINESS OWNERS
I Draw Attention
to Your Business
Decorate
your windows!
Real Estate Ad Phrases
(What They Really Mean)
CHARMING - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of
the dwarfs would have to find their own place. See
"Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."
MUCH POTENTIAL - Grim. Steer clear unless you
have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities. See "Ready to Rehab,"
and "Fixer Upper."
UNIQUE CITY HOME - Used to be a warehouse.
HI-TECH/CONTEMPORARY - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the kind your dad used to store
tools on in the basement.
DARING DESIGN - Still a warehouse.
COMPLETELY UPDATED - Avocado dishwasher
and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.
SOPHISTICATED - Black walls and no windows.
See "Architect's Delight."
ONE-OF-A-KIND - Ugly as sin.
BRILLIANT CONCEPT - Do you really need a twostory live oak in your 30-foot sky dome? See "Makes
Dramatic Statement."
UPPER BRACKET - If you have to ask . . .
YOU'LL LOVE IT - No, you won't.
MUST SEE TO BELIEVE - An absolutely accurate
special
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189 Pieces
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order
as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy
arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it
could be put together in an hour. However it took the
old man two days to assemble the toy. Finally, when it
was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189
pieces and mailed it off to the company.
Old Ammunition
A couple came to the police department, wanting to
dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk
officer a wooden box and said that it contained two
shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from
World War II. "We didn't know what to do with them,"
the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept
the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet,
away from our children." The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when
he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing
a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the
officer removed the top of the other shell and found a
hard white substance. There was no doubt about it.
They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.
Hooks
"What did you do this weekend?" "I dropped some
hooks into the water." "How was the fishing?" "Fishing?
I wasn't fishing; I was golfing."
Orange Peel Gazette
620 Hwy 542 Suite 3
P.O. Box 1631, Dundee, FL 33838
863-438-8007
Email: [email protected]
PUBLISHERS, EDITORS, JANITORS
theorangepeelgazette.com
ROBERT AND LINDA ARCHETTO
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES
Norman Roy • Delton Hayes
Drew Truitt
CONTRIBUTING EDITORS
Chief Contributor: Ernie Finocchio
Ron Yost • Elizabeth Archetto
NO SOCIALISTS ALLOWED
PAGE 19
theorangepeelgazette.com
H IGHEST Q UALITY
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Alligators
A New York boy was being led by his cousin
through the Everglades. "Is it true that an alligator
won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?" The
cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya
carry the flashlight."
Rough Landing
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a
hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,
everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask
you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot,
"what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land or were we shot down?"
Every nation has the government it deserves.
$ CASH PAID $
I PAY TOP PRICE FOR SINGLE
COINS OR ENTIRE COLLECTIONS
FOR MY PERSONAL COLLECTION
O RANGE P EEL G AZETTE D ISCLAIMER
Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable....maybe. Accuracy however is another thing. All humorous stories and jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any group or
individuals. If anyone is offended by any content herein -“get over
it”. If you would like to contribute we take money or if you prefer
jokes, make sure they can be cut and pasted computer-like. I don’t
type. Any political leanings construed from any material herein is
your hang up, This publication is neither Republican, Democrat,
Green, Fascist, Communist, Socialist, Theocratic, Chocolate, Vanilla
or Strawberry. However the Orange Peel Gazette is anti-stupidity
(self serving Politicos for example, liberals and anyone else agreeing with Obama or,....people who call or write or email me cause I
made a spelling errrorr. If you feel the need to correct me - Don’t, I
don’t care.) Hey, it could all be your fault or George Bush’s.... ask
Obama, he thinks so ... it’s on his teleprompter ...ask him... Enjoy!!!!
T e l l m e , W H AT ’ S a h O M E W I T H O U T A P E T ?
Why I don’t do
blind dates....
We'd love to be part of your
family. Please take us home.
Taz
Domestic Longhair
Female 6 Years
Looking for the perfect
companion? Look no further.
Taz was voted "Best All Around
Cat" recently. In addition to her
beautiful looks, she is a complete love bug. Stop by today!
Gizmo
Tabby
Female 1 Year
Gizmo is the perfect family
addition. She loves playing with
toys.She is a social butterfly
always on the lookout for a lap
to snuggle up in. She prefers
older children. Come on by!
Three Bats
Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by
three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink
the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood
dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over
there? I drank the blood of three people." The second
bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says,
"See that castle over there? I drank the blood of five
people." The third bat comes back covered in blood.
He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats
nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."
Starla
Hound Mix
Female 2 Years
Calm with lots of puppy
love to give, Starla is quite the
mellow Hound. Her favorite
toy is her stuffed bear—will
you grab it and play with her?
Meet this sweet lady today!
Luke
Hound Mix
Male 2 Years
This Thank Dog Bootcamp!
recruit loves exercising to stay
in shape. Luke is housetrained
and playful, a loving companion who enjoys going on walks.
Say “hello” to Luke today!
Every pet is spayed or neutered, vaccinated, microchipped and
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20
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863-299-4481 • TTY 1-800-955-8771
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MOTORCYCLES
863-859-7927
2614 Lakeland
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5525 US Hwy
98 N, Lakeland,
Lakeland, FL
LOCATED IN THE STRIP MALL
JUST SOUTH OF THE POST OFFICE
SPIRITUAL PSYCHIC &
TAROT CARD READER
Mother Lisa will Tell
You Past, Present & Future
DO YOU FEEL YOU HAVE BAD LUCK OR HAVE BEEN CURSED,
CROSSED OR JUST CO NFUSED ABOUT YO URSELF ? WHY LIVE
LIFE UNHAPPY ,UNFULFILLED, DEPRESSED AND LON ELY ? M OTH ER LISA HAS THE
SPIRIT UAL POW ER T O HEL P IN LOVE, H EALTH , BUSIN ESS , MARRIAGE & ETC.
863-808-6554
Hwy 92
Auburndale, FL
Back to School
AMERICAN
INDIAN
ARTIFACTS
Call863-289-1837
Traders Pawn
French Dream
2880 Havendale Blvd.,Winter Haven, FL
863-967-3933 • 863-967-5653
Got Gold?
WE PAY
CASH!
After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I
decided to return to college and get the degree I had
started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of
college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little
nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in
over 40 years, a literature course. The professor told
us we would be responsible for reading five books
over the course of the semester, and that he would
provide us with a list of authors from which we could
choose. He ambled over to the lectern, took out his
class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter,
Cook..." I was working feverishly to get down all the
names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. The student
behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking
attendance!"
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Saturday
9AM-5PM
GREAT PRICES ON ELECTRONICS, DVDS,
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A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're
really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in
French." The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and
everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the
teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the
boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if
she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
22
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AVAILABLE THROUGH JUNE 30. 2013 AT
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www.PythonChallenge.org
Organized?
My sister was bemoaning the fact that she had procrastinated cleaning and organizing her house for a
long time. Since she was planning to entertain, she felt
a lot of pressure to get moving. That afternoon she
phoned, sounding glum. "I went to the bookstore," she
explained. "And I bought a book on how to get organized. I was all fired up, and decided to clean out all
the shelves in the living room. While I was working, I
found the same darn book. I had bought it a couple of
years ago."
Parking Confusion
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally
WINTER HAVEN
found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed
[email protected]
another man driving very slowly in the same direction,
and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you
going to park there?" look. His responding gestures
were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he
pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at
himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he
UNIQUE HIGH QUALITY PRE-OWNED
FURNITURE AT UNUSUALLY LOW PRICES!! frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once
WE BUY FURNITUREFOR CASH OR WILL TAKE ON I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he
didn't want the space. "You must be single," he
CONSIGNMENT. WE PICK UP TOO!
replied. "If you were married, you would've known
INVENTORY CHANGES DAILY
that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the
CHECK CRAIGLIST UNDER LAKELAND
MON-FRI 11-6
spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
SAT 10-4
101 Burns Lane•Winter Haven, FL 33884
"I am certain there is too much certainty
D EL I V ERY
off Dundee Road
A V A IL A BL E !
in the world." - Michael Crichton
863-875-5554
Polk Furniture Store
MASTER
ELECTRICIANS
Over 25 Years Experience.
Quality Affordable Work from the
Best Electricians in Polk County
s
Best Cut
BARBERSHOP
$1 OFF Haircut w/ad
Mon-Fri 8-5:30 • Sat 8-2
213 AHVENUE
O SW
OPE PLAZA
WINTER HAVEN, FL
Heart to Heart
863-969-8811
License# ER13013944
863-293-9433
Fabrics
& More
SEWING MACHINE SALES & SERVICE
237 Ave. O SW, Winter Haven, FL
1103 W. Circle St., Avon Park, FL
1 0-4 W e ek da y s
Th 10-7•Sat 10-2
W.H. 863-298-8185
A. P. 863-453-3100
Our 40 Year
LAKELAND
TIRE & AUTO
MAYER JEWELERS
WE BUY GOLD
SILVER & COINS
th
WE REPAIR ALLTYPESOFJEWELRY
WE MAKE JEWELRY
863-676-1317
FREE JEWELRY INSPECTIONS
201 E. STUART AVE, LAKE WALES, FL
95
$
4 USED TIRES
+tax
& labor
316 N. CANAL AVE.
LAKELAND, FL
863-686-2274
Page 23
CA$H
CONNECTION
PA WN S HOP
BUY•SELL•TRADE
Forget the rest • Go with the Best
863-858-1368 • SENIOR DISCOUNT
E S TAT E S A L E S
WE DO ALL TYPES OF ESTATE SALES
DOWNSIZING, LIQUIDATIONS, MOVING. YOUR
PLACE OR OURS, FLEXIBLE PLANS AND PRICING.
CALL LANGAR LLC ESTATE SALES:
863-967-8630
AGENCY
AUTO-HOME-MOBILE HOME
LIFE-COMMERCIAL-TRUCKS
214 Domaris Ave, Lake Wales, FL
322 S. FIRST ST
LAKE WALES, FL
Diamonds • Jewelry • Rifles
Hand guns • Shotguns
863-676-4514
“FOR ALL YOUR
INSURANCE NEEDS”
863-676-9000
Some Actual Signs
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
“Closed due to illness.”
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
“Elephants Please Stay In Your Car”
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE:
“For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.”
NOTICE IN A FIELD:
“The farmer allows walkers to cross the field
for free, but the bull charges.”
POWELL A/C & HEAT
SALES • SERVICE
MAINTENANCE
REPAIR
Residential • Commercial
NEW
INSTALLATIONS
863-293-5046
HOUSE NEED A BATH?
State Certified CAC 1815469
863-259-9313
FREE ESTIMATES
PAPA JOHN RISENERS CUSTOM 6”
SEAMLESS GUTTERS • UNDERGROUND
DRAIN • VARIETY OF COLORS
INSURANCE
Lakewales-pawnshop.com
“WE BUY GOLD & SILVER”
CALL
JOHN
GUTTERS
DUBOSE
unior’s
Fish Market
WIDE
SELECTION
OF YOUR
FAVORITE
FISH
LOBSTER
SHRIMP
SCALLOPS
OYSTERS
CLAMS &
M0RE
1341 SR 60 East
Lake Wales, Florida
863-678-FISH
3650 Dundee Road
Winter Haven, Florida
PINSTRIPING•MOULDING
TUNE UP • BRAKES
863-438-8007
863-521-3245
Next issue may 27, 2013
28
SPECIALIZING IN
ALL AUTOMOTIVE &
RV REPAIR NEEDS
55 FT CUSTOMIZED PAINT BOOTH
ELECTRICAL HOOK UPS!!
SERVICE INCLUDES
SATELLITES•REFRIGERATION•PROPANE
BODY SERVICE INCLUDES
ROOFS•COLLISION•BODY REPAIR•PAINT
3650 Havendale Blvd.
Winter Haven, Florida
SILVER, DIAMONDS & PLATINUM
863-967-5463
Visit Us on the Web: hitechautosrv.net
WEBUYAND SELL TEEN
& YOUNG ADULT CLOTHING.
platosclosetbayareaflorida.com
SELL US YOUR
SHORTS, T’S
TANKS & JEANS
ANY
$5
OFF
$30
ANY
PURCHASE
PURCHASE
Offer expires 7/7/13. Valid at below locations.
Excludes sale merchandise, gift cards,
reward cards and prior sales.
Offer expires 7/7/13. Valid at below locations. Excludes sale merchandise, gift
cards, reward cards and prior sales.
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK!
LAKELAND
4525 S. FLORIDA
CARROLLWOOD
10009 N. DALE MABRY
WESLEY CHAPEL
1926 BRUCE B. DOWNS
(Behind Winghouse)
(Linebaugh/Dale Mabry)
(Across from Wire Grass Mall)
(Providence & Lumsden)
Mon-Sat 10am-9pm
Sun 12am-7pm
(in Britton Plaza)
863-648-0000
BRANDON
1991 W. LUMSDEN RD
813-341-1991
813-968-8383
We Are Paying Top
Dollar for Gold!
You Sell, Check with US!
Do Your
Spring Cleaning
And Turn
Your Clothes
Into Cash!
$10OFF
$50
BEFORE
813-994-7770
S.TAMPA
3924 S. DALE MABRY
813-289-3333
We Pay in Cash!
LAKE MIRIAM PAWN
5359 S. Florida Ave
(Outback Plaza)
Lakeland, Florida
863-646-5797
Mon-Fri 8:30am-6pm • Sat 9am-4pm