May 2012

The Healing Garden
May 2012
www.thecompassionatefriendsofsouthbendin.org
Welcome!
To those of you who are newly bereaved and receiving our
newsletter for the first time, we warmly invite you to The Compassionate Friends.
We are other parents who have experienced the death of a child
at any age and offer understanding and support through our
monthly meetings.
It is often difficult to attend your first meeting, but those who
do come find an atmosphere of support from other parents who
understand a parent’s grief. Nothing is asked of you; there are
no fees; you do not have to speak a word if you do not care to.
If you are more comfortable bringing a friend or relative along
with you, please do.
Many have found these meetings help them to heal; and together
we learn how to live with our loss. We learn that we need not
walk alone.
Debbie Bice, Chapter Leader
[email protected]
The Compassionate Friends Volunteers
Chapter Leader...........................................................Debbie Bice
Co-Chapter Leader...............................................Debbie Kamm
Treasurer.......................................................Marty VanDenBerg
Database Manager........................................ OPEN POSITION
Newsletter Editor........................................... Deb Starkweather
Newsletter Distribution..................................... OPEN POSITION
Library............................................................................ Pam Malisa
Birthday & Angelversary Cards.................. Deb Starkweather
Outreach Data Collection......................... Marty VanDenBerg,
Darlene Pruett, Emilie Shely, Donna Will
Newly-Bereaved Outreach Cards & Info........ OPEN POSITION
Meeting Greeter................. Dorothy Geiger & Debbie Kamm
Hospitality...........................................................Stacey Landrum
Steering Committee................... Debbie Bice, Debbie Kamm,
Deb Starkweather, Danialle Flannery,
Angie Welling, Dorothy Geiger, Marty VanDenBerg
Special Projects (Spring Remembrance, ............THANKS to all
Candlelighting Service, Golf Outing).......... who will volunteer
2012 Golf Chair.............................................. Danialle Flannery
Grandparents’ Group............................................ Angie Welling
May Meeting
(2nd Thursday of each month)
Thursday, May10, 2012
7:00 pm to 9:00 pm
Meeting Topic: Our Emotional Triggers
Oaklawn Out-Patient Bldg, Mtg. Rm. 2
403 E. Madison, South Bend, Indiana
Vol. 11, No. 5
Telephone Friends
Chapter LeaderDebbie Bice............... 574.607.5840
Adult Child Loss
Teen/Young Adult
Accidental/Sudden Loss
SIDS/Infant Loss Grandchild Loss
Death from Impaired Driver
Bereaved Dad
Sibling Loss
Step Father
Regional Coordinator
Dave Joachim........................ 574-233-8347
Don & Sandy Collins............574-291-5794
Debbie Martin-Kamm..........574-277-7337
Debbie Bice............................574.607.5840
Kathy Wishart.......................269-358-0821
Debbie Bice............................574.607.5840
Angie Welling....................... 574-386-4531
Don & Sandy Collins............574-291-5794
Dave Joachim........................ 574-233-8347
Kristin Burkhardt.................574-370-0962
Dorothy Geiger......................574-273-6514
Marty VanDenBerg............ 269-683-3059
Jerry VanDenBerg............. 269-683-3059
Mary Rose & Cecil Jones.... 812-254-3108
If you would like to talk to another parent who has experienced
a loss similar to yours, please contact any of those on this list.
Or if you just need someone to talk to or to find out more about
The Compassionate Friends, please feel free to call anyone listed
above. We welcome your call.
LIBRARY – Pam Malisa is our Chapter Librarian. We currently
have about 100 books, tapes and CD’s for our members to borrow. A complete list is available on our website. If you don’t have
access to our website, Pam will be happy to give you a list. If you
have any books that you would be willing to donate, we would
greatly appreciate it. Donated books will be marked as donated
in memory of your child. Please contact Pam at 269-687-9125
or 574-383-8744.
Inside this issue.....
Good-bye to Good-bye............................2
Their Song of Love................................3
Are You Willing to Give Back?.................3
Volunteers Needed.................................3
For a Little While...................................4
New Volunteer Opportunity.....................4
Angels Around the Country.....................5
TCF National Conference.......................6
Book Review: Grieving with Hope...........6
Announcements.....................................7
Good-Bye to Good-Bye
By Darcie D. Sims (2004)
“I didn’t get to say good-bye.”
As a therapist, I have listened to
thousands of bereaved lament
their last words spoken to loved
ones and so many of them wept
in grief over not saying good-bye.
So much grief has been spent on
not saying a farewell. So much
additional hurt has been felt because someone did not get to say
good-bye.
Sermons have been preached,
books and poetry written about
saying good-bye. Pictures have
been painted: tears caught in
bronze and sculpted arms left
empty in the lament of good-bye.
Almost no one believes there
might be a reason to say good-bye
TODAY. Most days are simply
ordinary ones and there seems
no special reason to say good-bye.
Hardly anyone knows it will be
THE LAST DAY or THE LAST
TIME.
Why do we spend so much time
and grief over not saying good­bye?
Why do we wash the words we did
get to say over a lifetime of loving
someone with the single lament, “I
didn’t get to say good-bye”? Why
are those words so important that
the lack of them creates a lifetime
of additional hurt and pain?
Ceremonies are created and
designed for the bereaved to say
good-bye. We stand in line for
hours to express our sympathies
to the bereaved and to say “goodbye” to the deceased. Even if we
have not seen the deceased in
years, it seems especially important to come at the time of death
to say good-bye. Funeral directors,
mental health professionals and
most of the world seems to believe
that it is necessary to say goodbye in order to begin the healing
process.
Good-bye? Why would I want to say
good-bye? I wasn’t through saying
hello!
25 years ago, I did get to say
good-bye. I knew the end of our
son’s life was approaching and I
got the chance to give one last
hug and say one sentence.
I got the chance to
say good-bye and I
didn’t take it. In the
last moments of my
son’s life, and years
later, of my parents’
lives, I did not say
good-bye.
With the very last
breath of my son’s
life, I simply said I
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LOVE YOU. I was able to be with
my Mom in her final hours and
I did not say good-bye. I said I
LOVE YOU. And although I was
not with my Dad when he died,
the last words I shared with him
as I left his home on what was to
be his last night, I kissed him and
said I LOVE YOU.
Let go of the hurt you are experiencing if you did not get to say
good-bye. You would not have said
it, even if you had the chance! You
would have said, I LOVE YOU.
Good-bye is simply too final, too
harsh, too forever. Surely your
loved one knew you loved him.
Surely your loved one knew you
cared. And even if you don’t
believe they knew, you can do
something about that right now.
Go outside, find your special star,
and with all your might, whisper,
speak or yell our loud I LOVE
YOU! Trust me, the Universe is
listening and your words of love
will travel far to reach the heart
of those no longer within hug’s
reach. I guess you could yell goodbye, too, if you really want to....
but why? Why let the grief of not
saying good-bye rob you of the
memories of what you did get to
say and how you lived your life
together? Why let not saying goodbye steal away the joy of knowing
your loved one was in your life and
still a thread in your fabric, to be
woven forever around your heart.
Good-bye? I’d rather live my life
so that my last words are I LOVE
YOU. We never know when an
ordinary day will turn into a day
that gets marked down in the family history as a not-so-ordinary
day. But all of us can live our life
so we can leave with few regrets.
Do not let the events of the past few
years rob you of your hope, your
passion, your joy in living. Let it
become a lesson for all of us to
live our lives as if there were only
moments left....because that is all
there really are anyway.
Moments....just moments, one
after another, each special and
sacred in their own way, each
waiting to be etched forever in our
memory or lost in the sea of millions of other ordinary moments.
I learned so long ago that any moment can be the last one and so, I
no longer waste too many of my
moments. Oh yes, there are days
when I simply plod through the
moments, not even aware of their
passing. It often takes a cataclysmic event to shake me out of by
reverie and reawaken me to the
specialness of each moment.
Their Song of Love
Remembering on this Mother’s Day
the melody your child etched in your heart.
The sweet song of love
that only your child could place there.
As this special day brings their song to you,
may the warmth of their eternal love
fill your heart once again.
For their song is never ending.
by Patty Erdman
TCF, Longview, WA
Your Help is Needed
Are You Willing To Give Back?
Our TCF chapter is in need of a volunteer willing to assist in our efforts
to support other grieving families in our area. Right now, we urgently
need to fill the position of Newsletter Distributor.
The person(s) in this position will be responsible for helping to get our
newsletters to our families. It requires 1 to 1½ hours of your time, once
a month. Our newsletters are printed and given to this person to place
the address labels, and then sort. Once completed, we ask that you take
them to the Post Office for bulk mailing.
Take advantage of the moments
we have and spend them wisely.
Spend them saying I LOVE YOU
instead of wishing you had said
good-bye. Make a commitment
to never let another moment pass
without being aware of its passing.
This is a very important role in our organization. It allows us to help
hundreds of families in our local community. Please contact our chapter
leader, Debbie Bice (574.607.5840) if you are interested.
Good-bye has always been a part
of my life because I grew up military, married military and gave
birth military. My address changes
more often that the weather. But I
gave up saying good-bye long ago
when I realized I LOVE YOU lasts
far longer and feels so much better.
Good-bye? I’m not through saying
Hello and I LOVE YOU.
We are in need of a person for this extremely important position!
Volunteers Needed
“Outreach Data Collection”
Think back to when you received your first newsletter. Did you wonder
how our group found you and sent a card and newsletter to you? Chances
are good that it was someone in this Outreach Data Collection group.
Although it may sound a little morbid, our volunteers watch and read the
local obituaries, and make every attempt to contact the newly-bereaved
parents.
If you want to make a valuable contribution to fellow bereaved parents,
please give Debbie Bice a call at 574.607.5840.
3
For a
Little While
Written by Bobbie Candler,
in memory of her great-grandson,
Allen Ray Brittain,
9/13/09 to 12/23/09
New Volunteer Opportunity!
Do you like to read poems and articles on grief and inspiration?
Are you organized?
Do you like to give back to others who are also grieving?
If so, you have what it takes to be the TCF Newsletter Editor! It’s not as
hard as you might think.
I gather information for the articles (on-line, borrowed from other TCF
chapters around the U.S., magazines). Occasionally I write something
myself, or get someone from the local community to do so. Over the
almost eight years that I have been doing this newsletter, I have created
files of many different articles and poetry, organized by categories: holidays, different kinds of loss, articles for parents, grandparents, siblings.
I keep track of birthdays and anniversary dates, upcoming events, and
donations to include in the newsletter.
I long to hold you in my arms
again, even for just a little while.
And kiss your sweet little face
and touch your precious smile!
I can still see your precious
little smile, everywhere I go,
Especially in the faces
of other children. Oh!
How I miss you so.
You had such cute little ways,
you always made me smile.
I’m so glad I held and touched
you, even for a little while.
You’re always on my mind, my
thoughts, and in my heart.
You took my breath away, I
know we will never part!
I will see you again one day,
when I leave this world behind.
What a joy it will be when
our hearts are intertwined!
Once a month, I send all the information on to the wonderful lady who
types up this newsletter! (Barb does a great job, don’t you think?) At this
point, my job is done. From Barb, it goes to the printer and then some
TCF volunteers add labels and run them to the Post Office.
I began attending TCF meetings in 2001, about six months after my
son, Kris, passed away. These meetings and the friendships of the fellow
bereaved parents, grandparents, and siblings have been very healing and
rewarding for me. It didn’t take long for me to understand that giving
back to others in a win-win situation.
Are you enjoying the newsletters? Would you be interested in being the
one who selects the stories and poems each month? If so, would you like
to become our newsletter editor? I would be happy to help transition
you into this position. My many files could be yours (probably enough
for years to come!). My expertise after eight years on the job would be
available to help you until you feel comfortable with the position.
I feel it is time for me to take on other roles with TCF and to get new
energy and ideas for the newsletter from fresh minds. I have loved doing
these newsletters, but would like to give others a chance to benefit from
this wonderful volunteer job. If you would like to know more, or think
you are interested, please contact me at 574.232.8191. Thanks!
Deb Starkweather
“Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual
necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure
for grief is to grieve.”
~ Earl Grollman
4
Angels Around
the Country
Judy Toles, of Plymouth, Indiana, lost her son, Robert
Williams, on May 1, 1980. He was just 19 years old.
Judy and her husband love to visit the Angel of Hope
statues around the country and so far has visited 65. Judy
is sharing these photos and her thoughts with you and we
will print them in coming issues.
Love Gifts
Our chapter exists entirely through
donations. Our largest expense is the
printing and mailing of our chapter
newsletter, which is distributed to
over 600 readers. Love gifts enable
us to continue our outreach to bereaved parents through many chapter
activities.
Judy Toles’ son
Robert Williams
Grove, Oklahoma
Judy says: “The Angel is in
Lendonwood Gardens, which
is a beautiful garden.”
A love gift is money donated to the
chapter in memory of a child who
has died. If you feel a love gift is
an appropriate way to honor the
memory of your child, and to support
this chapter of The Compassionate
Friends, please consider a donation
in any amount, small or large.
If you wish to make a donation for
your child’s date and want to make
sure it is mentioned in the newsletter
for that month, please make sure we
receive your donation before the 5th
of the prior month. (This is when our
newsletter goes to the printer).
Make your check out to “The Compassionate Friends of St. Joseph
County”, and mail it to the return
address on this newsletter. You may
state the child’s name. Your donation
is tax deductible.
Thank you for your support!
Special
Thank Yous...
TCF wishes to thank
the following people for
their generous donations
to help support publication
of this newsletter.
to George & Sharon
Lybarger, in memory of
their daughter, Sandra Creech
to Patricia Csiszar, in memory of
her son, Thomas
to Sally Puchala, in memory of her
son, John
to Marty VanDenBerg, in memory
of her son, Kevin Borkholder
5
The Compassionate
Friends National
Conference,
Costa Mesa, California
Registration is now open for The
Compassionate Friends 35th National Conference/5th International
Gathering on July 20-22, 2012 in
Costa Mesa, California. For online
conference and hotel registration
information, transportation information, as well as the conference
schedule and list of workshops.
click on "News & Events" at www.
compassionatefriends.org.
Keynote speakers will be the following:
• Lois Duncan. award-winning
author of 48 books. including
"Who Killed My Daughter?"
• Kathy Eldon, journalist, author,
producer, activist, and mother
• Darcie Sims, always popular
international keynote speaker
• The Reverend Canon Simon
Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends worldwide
The conference will include over
100 workshops on many topics related to the death of a child, and a
full track of workshops for bereaved
siblings, including a sibling trip on
Friday. A Walk to Remember will
be held on July 22. A pre-conference excursion to the Huntington
Library (www.huntington.org) on
July 19 and a post-conference trip to
Disneyland on July 23 are available.
Hotel
TCF has a room block that includes
every room within the Hilton Orange County/Costa Mesa hotel
(714-540-7000), with overf low
rooms available at The Hotel Hanford (877-426-3673) (www.thehotelhanford.com), which is across the
6
Book Review
Grieving
with Hope
by Catherine Holtkamp, Ph.D.
Grieving with Hope is a small easy to
read book which was written for
individuals who are experiencing
a crisis of faith in addition to their
grief.
Knowing that authentic faith and
true joy are often found on the far
side of suffering, Dr. Holtkamp sought
a way to encourage others. In hopes of awakening a
“shiver of self-recognition” in her readers, Dr. Holtkamp has chosen
the personal, informal essay. This most intimate form of writing offers
identification, understanding, companionship and encouragement for
those who struggle through the spiritual winter of sorrow.
About the Author
Dr. Holtkamp is a licensed professional counselor, a certified grief therapist
and noted public speaker. She has conducted seminars throughout the United
States and in Australia. In addition to Grieving with Hope, Dr. Holtkamp has
written aftercare bereavement material, Something More, which is used throughout the United States, she has contributed two chapters on grief; contributes a
column for Bereavement Magazine and is currently writing a volume on Donor
Family Grief for Brunner/Mazell Publishers.
street from the Hilton. If you make
phone reservations at The Hotel
Hanford, you must mention The
Compassionate Friends conference
to receive the special room rate of
$129.00 per night plus about 11%
tax. To reserve rooms online, visit
www.compassionatefriends.org.
Shuttles
TCF has arranged for complimentary shuttles between the hotels
and John Wayne Airport (SNA),
and a special rate between the
hotels and the Los Angeles Inter-
national airport (LAX) ($36 on
the SuperShuttle for the first person
and $9 for additional passengers,
reserved online in advance).
Airline discount
TCF has also arranged with American Airlines to provide a 5% discount for this conference, for travel
dates from July 14 to July 27, 2012.
Visit www.aa.com to book your
flight, and place the Promotion
Code 2372DJ in the promotion box
on American Airlines website to
receive the discount.
Announcements
Anniversaries
Birthdays and anniversaries of the
dates our children passed can be
especially difficult. Please
remember these people during
the month of May.
May
Meeting Topic
Save the Date...
Our Emotional
Triggers
Birthdays:
Passings:
Robert Williams, son of Judy & Dan
Toles
Scott, son of Jack & Robin Cahall
Eric, son of Vivian Wagner
Ryan, brother of Stacey Landrum
Donelle Moely Ruiters, daughter of
Don & Eloise Moely
Jeff, son of Violet Bailey
Shayla, daughter of Shelly Aston
Willie Joe, son of Gale Shaffer
Randy, son of Cheryl Horton
Margie, daughter of Larry & Katie
Zehring
Brandon, son of Beth Berry
Scott, son of Bob & Sally Elston
Brent, son of Terri Malcom, brother
of Kristin Malcom
Joseph, son of Katha Nash
Cindy, daughter of Dorothy Pasternak
Rachel, daughter of David Moore
Tony, son of Margi & Eldon Scott
DiAnn Ross, daughter of Leroy &
Kathryn Ross
Forev
My Heart Wris
n
i
t
er
are available
at all meetings
ds
ban
Kenny, son of Patti & Ron Skibins
Courtney, daughter of Christina Gordon
Meghan, sister of Jenn Strathman
Jose, brother of Mary Jane Bueno and
Natalia Bueno
Monica Reynolds, daughter of Cindy
Yates
Jacque, daughter of Bud & Diane
Zolman
Kevin Borkholder, son of Mary &
Jerry VanDenBerg
Sarah Van Goey, daughter of
Bernadette Talboom,
Robby Martin, son of Deb & Mark
Kamm, Rob & Cathy Martin
Kayla Traversa, daughter of Chana
Mikel
Jennifer, daughter of Sue Remmo
Collin, son of Ronald & Julie Holt,
brother of Trey Holt and Lucas
Bergman
Michael, son of Diana Zollinger
John, son of Sally Puchala
$3.00 each or
two for $5.00
TCF Mission Statement
When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers
intense pain and may feel hopeless and isolated. The
Compassionate Friends provides highly personal
comfort, hope, and support to every family experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, a brother
or a sister, or a grandchild, and helps others better
assist the grieving family.
================
join our group on
FACEBOOK! Just type in
“The Compassionate Friends
of South Bend Indiana”
The Healing Garden
is published monthly for all
bereaved parents.
If you would like to submit an
article or have a suggestion for information that would be helpful to
you, please feel free to contact Deb
Starkweather (1109deb@gmail.
com) by the 5th of the previous
month.
Published Monthly by the
Saint Joseph County Area
Chapter of The
Compassionate Friends
2028 Pershing St., South Bend, IN 46628
www.thecompassionatefriendsofsouthbendin.org
Spring Remembrance
Celebration
May 12, 2012
Annual Picnic and Balloon
Release at Angel of Hope Garden
July, 2012
Compassionate Friends
National Conference
Costa Mesa, CA
July 20-22, 2012
Annual Golf Outing
September 16, 2012
Pregnancy & Infant Loss
Day of Remembrance
October 2012
Angel of Hope Zolman
Lube-A-Thon Fundraiser
October 2012
Annual Candle Lighting
December 9, 2012
We look forward to seeing you!
If you would like to volunteer
to help with any of these events,
please contact Debbie Bice at
574.607.5840.
National Office:
P.O. Box 396
Oak Brook, Illinois 60522-3696
Phone 877-969-0010
Fax 630-990-0246
www.compassionatefriends.org
7
Non Profit Org
US Postage Paid
Permit #88
South Bend, IN
P.O. Box 156
Mishawaka, IN 46544
RETURN SERVICE REQUESTED
Spring Remembrance
Celebration
Saturday, May 12, 2012
2:00 pm
Angel of Hope Memorial Garden • Pinhook Park,
2801 Riverside Drive, South Bend, IN
The program will include music, readings, and
a speaking of the names of those children we
wish to remember. You are invited to bring
a 3” potted flower to plant, or a fresh flower
to place at the Angel of Hope.
The Angel of Hope Memorial Garden is a place of
reflection and remembrance for all who have lost a child
of any age.
If you have questions, please call:
574.607.5840
Supported by the Angel of Hope Memorial Garden
Board of Directors and the St. Joseph County
Compassionate Friends
Debbie B 574 607 5840 • Debbie M 574 277 7337
Diane Sculzcyk • 574-259-3622
or visit www.thecompassionatefriendsofsouthbendin.org