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 February 13 – Lint & Loose Change Release Party – James Hunter U.S.A / The Merry Go Rounds February 19 – Goodnight Buffalo / Mimi Oz / The Grasping Straws / Yes! Hornberger! February 25 -­‐ Geekapalooza Comedy Night February 26 – Crystal Maverick/ My Son Gordeaux/ Ferris / Fourshores February 27 – Word Travels Fast March 4 – Unknown Relatives March 5 – Blackshear / Hodera / Auspice / Formative Years Table of Contents Poetry and Short Story Submissions “Hot Love” “Fortune Cookies” “Walk With Me” “Absent Friends” 4 5 6 7 8 Art and Photography Submissions “Slightly Left-­‐Handed Comics” Music Submissions 9 10 Interviews James Hunter U.S.A. Special Features 20 for ’16 A Woman, a Black Man, and a Latino Walk Into the Mos Eisley Cantina… I Am Not a Goddamn Unicorn Galentine’s Day 2k16 What’s Cooking With Kyle? High Class Restaurant Review: Tom + Chee Don Tonald’s Cosmic Horrorscopes Completely Accurate Sex Advice Cut-­‐Out Valentines 1 15 16 20 21 23 26 27 29 31 Lint & Loose Change An Under the Couch Production February 2016 This issue worked on by Sara Konecny, Meredith Jacobs, Nick Bond, Kyle Mackey, Gabe Waksman, Thomas Speers, Minh-­‐Thu Nguyen, Kaitlin Shea, John Quinn, and Beckie Campbell. Edited by Sara Konecny What is Lint & Loose Change? Lint & Loose Change is a free speech zine run by Under the Couch showcasing the writing, art, music, and opinions of Georgia Tech. What is a zine? A zine is a small magazine run off of independent submissions and publishing. Cover art by Minh-­‐Thu Nguyen How can I get published? Submissions: [email protected] Literally submit. We are desperate. How do I become a contributor? Under the Couch – Georgia Tech 350 Ferst Drive Atlanta, GA 30313 2 Come to Musician’s Network meetings Mondays at 7 PM in Under the Couch for more information! 3 Hot Love Fortune Cookies Gabrielle D’Esposito Anonymous You say my touch feels like fire. You just have a UTI. I try not to be all that superstitious but I do believe in luck and I do believe in fortune cookies. Two years ago I got one that said “Your surrounding friends will take good care of you.” You might think it obvious, because what kind of friends don’t take care of each other? Maybe it makes more sense if I tell you I’m the kind of person who needs to be taken care of, the kind of person who falls down a lot and can’t get back up without a hand to help. And when shit really hit the fan a few months later N held my hand while I cried in front of him for the very first time and H hid me away in her house when the walls of mine started closing in, and when E found me in the bathroom crying she made me believe I was truly beautiful (if only for a moment), and the first night my body revolted from alcohol M held my hair, and again six months later while I cried for my mother and begged to go home. T U V X Y and Z have all picked locks or sweet-­‐talked through doors to hold me while I weep, and J is bad at fixing things but he always wants to listen, and L is willing to pick fights on my behalf, and C has seen every scar and found forgiveness for each one. So what I’m saying is that you might think it a coincidence, but I think it’s proof of something I knew and didn’t realize yet. And the point of this story is that the last time I got a fortune cookie it said “Now is a good time to try something new.” So two day later I kissed you and said “I’m ready.” (Proof.) I try not to be all that superstitious, but so far I’ve got two really good reasons to believe in fortune cookies. 4 5 Walk With Me Absent Friends – An Archival Poem Anonymous John Quinn slip away from cold and calculating intosunshine there is a river somewhere past pink botiques and kale hot yoga and twisted steel you know it well but only you, ever you (the map you once had was lost long ago) you’re too tired to walk the street or make eye contact with a right turn signal so look down, look up look anywhere but straight ahead until there is softness underfoot once again then turn to the sky leave your shoes on there is broken glass even here step in ankle deep, knee deep pay no attention to your wet soles (or your wet soul) from the first wash of water over your feet you’ve lost your body knows the way back, though the slow churn of the city takes you by the hand guides you, slots you back to the bed in which you woke maybe tonight you will not dream of water currents and eddies depths where you cannot see the bottom but there is still mud on your calves and water still tugs at you skin (there are no rivers in atlanta) The following is a selection of first lines from various works I have abandoned over the past five years. I believe many of them have meaning on their own and speak to where I was in that time of my life. Taken together they form a portrait of me as a writer and a person. There’s a lady I’ve never quite met that keeps my family bold. Last edited: April 19, 2012 Last edited: December 29, 2015 There were days that I would sleep away and stay at home and listen to The Bends. Last edited: December 29, 2015 If the only way out is up why do we keep going down? Last edited: November 18, 2015 A lot of things changed when we left. Last edited: November 5, 2014 The walls drooped. Last edited: June 12, 2014 I justified it. Last edited: February 8, 2014 She was on the floor. Last edited: December 12, 2013 Samir didn’t like being a stereotype. Last edited: April 5, 2013 When there’s a knife at your back, it can be rather difficult to talk. Last edited: February 2, 2013 If anyone finds this journal, the first thing that’s gonna bug them is the inconsistency of my narrative voice. Last edited: September 26, 2012 Snow. Loads of it. More than you would be likely to see in Augusta on even the coldest winter days. 6 The plane’s wheels left the tarmac, and it climbed higher and higher, eventually becoming enveloped within the clouds. Last edited: December 9, 2011 Music Submissions Nick Bond Scan the QR code and check out these original music submissions by local Under the Couch, Georgia Tech, and Atlanta-­‐based artists! Submit your own original music submissions or playlist compilations to [email protected] to be featured! Danger Incorporated – Are You Afraid Of The Danger Boys? Genre: Hip-­‐Hop Are You Afraid Of The Danger Boys? is the first release from Danger Incorporated. Best described as atmospheric hip-­‐hop, it’s like scuba diving – you’re clearly in a dangerous situation, but the exhilarating feeling of exploring underwater far outweighs the risks. Ambient instrumentals coupled with powerful vocals make this feel like diving with sharks, and it’s awesome. James Hunter U.S.A. – Fortress Genre: Indie, Folk Rock Fortress is the inaugural release from the newly rebranded James Hunter U.S.A. We already reviewed the titular song “Fortress,” but the album as a whole will take you to a new level. It opens with the heavy “Possum Rock,” the funky “Echo Chamber,” and the beautifully mellow “Mountain Lion,” and the rest of the album varies widely after that. The final song “Escalator is one of the greatest sounds to grace humanity; at the time this was written, I’ve listened to it at least twelve times, nine of which within the first 24 hours of the album’s release. Fortress is the most worth-­‐a-­‐listen thing you’ll hear in the next month. By Minh-­‐Thu Nguyen. 8 9 James Hunter U.S.A. When did you start writing music? Foreword by Jared McGrath Interview by Meredith Jacobs I first met James Hunter in the sweaty basement of WonderRoot, circa November 2013. My band followed his, and after our set, we received the usual range of crowd feedback. Some thanked us for a good set, some told us how bad the sound was, and some just left the humid basement to bum cigarettes in the parking lot. James, however, approached me, introduced himself with a handshake, and, suffice to say, stood apart from the crowd. A year later, he released his Supreme World Emperors album. The album, like our friendship, opens with a verbal greeting: “Hi, I’m James. I like cheeseburgers. This is my album, hope ya dig it!” Precisely two years separate Fortress and Supreme World Emperors. Its songs are as infectious as their predecessors, but while SWE triumphed in stringing together James’s personal anecdotes to paint his life in a way that felt familiar, a shared narrative permeates Fortress, relating how we persist with our anxieties about the big world we all share. To listen to a James Hunter record is to be welcomed into another world – to James’s world – one that is fully realized, bursting with color. Fortress is no exception, and all are welcome. As James sings on the title track, “Take my hand, come inside.” James Hunter. Photo by Austin Cheshire. 10 “I was in band in high school. There were a few little local bands that played stuff. I was trying to get in those bands, but I was not the popular kid. So, I just made music on my own. Originally, I recorded on Audacity layer by layer. You have to record the drums and eventually have to record the rest of the stuff while the other instruments are blaring. Eventually, I got a MacBook and learned how to use GarageBand. All the albums I did with Supreme World Emperors were done on GarageBand. This past album [Fortress] is my first time as James Hunter U.S.A. It was the first time that I’ve had someone else produce. I went to a separate studio and paid someone to record the stuff and mix it. The reason I did that is because I’m going to graduate in May, and I can enter the workforce and know what would happen if I actually put money into an album. I can answer that question. It’s a great feeling, even though I’m probably not going to make back what I paid. I’m really glad I made it.” What was the significance of the name switch from Supreme World Emperors to James Hunter U.S.A.? “The reason I wanted to change it is because, for one thing, ‘Supreme World Emperors’ is hard to get out. ‘Emperors’ is also a hard word to get across when you’re trying to tell someone at the bar or at a show. Also, I realized too late that I messed up the reference. It was supposed to be a Calvin & Hobbes quote, but it turns out that I misremembered it. The actual quote was ‘King and Tyrant,’ which is a great name for a band too. Because with Supreme World Emperors, the lineup was always changing, so I wanted to reflect that Supreme World Emperors was an individual. It was me. It’s James Hunter U.S.A. now to more or less make other band members less important because you know they’re going to change. It singles me out as the artist. Not to undermine what the did for the album or what they will do for my live show. It confuses people less. The reason there’s the ‘U.S.A.’ there is because there’s another James Hunter who is more famous. I didn’t want to do a pseudonym. I like my name, so I wanted to keep it.” 11 Does James Hunter U.S.A play as a solo act or with a band? How does your songwriting process work? “For this upcoming [Lint & Loose Change release] show, it is going to be a group. I’ve got Ben Martin, who played drums on the album, and Jack Thomson will play bass. I’m psyched because they’re both exceptional musicians. When I’m solo, I sing and usually play guitar. With the group, I also sing and play guitar. I did write all the guitar parts, bass parts, and keyboard parts on the album. Really everything but the drum parts.” How would you describe your sound? “Well, I tend to get little ideas that pop in my head or by tinkering around on guitar, and the goal is to save your ideas. I record them as voice memos on my phone. I’ll record them anywhere. It doesn’t matter if I’m in public or not. I usually try not to force songwriting. I don’t sit down and write. I try to let the ideas stew around for a little while, and then a concept, idea, or string of ideas will fit. Sometimes I write a potential list of song titles that would be cool, and eventually I’ll pair a musical idea with a song title. I usually take a while with songs, but some songs happen like that. For any readers out there [who are aspiring songwriters], just do what works for you.” “I would describe my sound as power pop or maybe Black Sabbath trying to cover Todd Rundgren or Weezer trying to cover Elvis Costello. I can’t really describe it that well. When I showed [Noah and Cody, who worked on the album] the [first] song that I had [for the album], they steered me to focus on the darker songs. I had already written ‘Escalator,’ which is probably the most upbeat song I’ve ever written. The self titled album of Supreme World Emperors is also very upbeat. Not all the earlier stuff was super happy. From Supreme World Emperors, 2009 was actually pretty dark. Noah and Cody really favored the ones that were kind of dark – that is, ‘Possum Rock,’ ‘Into The Fire,’ and ‘Fortress.’ ‘You Need’ was actually a song by my old band, Slambo, which was one that they really liked, and I wanted to bring it back. That’s why the new album is a little different. People who are familiar with Supreme World Emperors probably had a perception that I was always happy. So I gave them an album that was very different, and it’s great. I’m really proud of it.” What is your favorite song from Fortress and why? Fortress. Art by Drew Green. What is your favorite part of playing live? “I like ‘Fortress.’ I like it because it’s a song that has been building for a long time. The original idea and melody was from five years ago. The other part was from last year, and suddenly, I was like ‘there it is.’ There is my five minute epic song. That was the song. The best in music production and vocal performance and just how it all came together. I think it represents my best and most focused work as an artist. I also like ‘Possum Rock’ because it’s heavy.” “I love when I see people who know my lyrics and are singing along. I really hope that a lot of people have heard my album and will be ready to join in. Some of my favorite live shows were when I was with Slambo. One of my favorites was actually the show wehre I met [my friend] Jared in 2013. It was at Wonderroot, and we were the third to last band. [His band] Champagne Room was the last band. Champagne Room watched us, and I stuck around and watched them at 1 AM on a Sunday night/really early Monday morning. They were fantastic, and we talked it up afterwards. They said they were Tech students, and I was [planning on] transferring 12 13 to Tech [that] fall, and that’s [how we became friends]. That was just a fun show. Another favorite was a Christmas show [with Slambo], that December when the world was supposed to end. I sang REM’s ‘It’s The End Of The World As We Know It,’ and we pulled it off. We were wearing Christmas gear. I had on reindeer antlers. Far too often, a lot of the shows I play here are solo. [When I’m] with the whole band, [I’m] screaming and those [are] fun.” Any future plans? “Graduate. Get a job.” Do you plan on continuing to make music? “I do plan on continuing to make music. The issue is that I don’t know if I’ll stay in Atlanta. I’m not sure how much I will be playing live. It would be great if I could get the old band together and play a few shows here and there. I’d love to play a live show that makes a big impact.” Any additional comments? “Buy my album. Well, I don’t care if you buy it. Just listen to it because it makes me feel good. It really validates the work that I put into it.” 14 20 for ‘16 Jared McGrath With 2015 gone, so too is another year of music. Here’s 20 songs that stayed with me last year. May some of them serve you well in 2016. 1. Donnie Trumpet & The Social Experiment – “Sunday Candy” 2. Pree – “Two Feet Shy” 3. Reigning Sound – “Falling Rain” 4. Real Estate – “Crime” 5. Lucius – “Tempest” 6. Springtime Carnivore – “Collectors” 7. Nina Simone – “Feeling Good” 8. Majical Cloudz – “Downtown” 9. Courtney Barnett – “Depreston” 10. Julien Baker – “Sprained Ankle” 11. Karen Dalton – “Something On Your Mind” 12. Ducktails – “Hamilton Road” 13. Mac DeMarco – “Salad Days” 14. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – “Into My Arms” 15. Joanna Newsom – “Sapokanikan” 16. Kamasi Washington – “The Rhythm Changes” 17. Leon Bridges – “Coming Home” 18. Royal Headache – “Carolina” 19. Sleater-­‐Kinney – “A New Wave” 20. James Hunter U.S.A. – “Escalator” 15 A Woman, a Black Man, and a Latino Walk Into the Mos Eisley Cantina… John Quinn In the Star Wars original trilogy, you’re more likely to see a sentient teddy bear than a person of color. Let me make that clear: the infinite number of aliens present in the Star Wars universe somehow make more sense than brown people in space. Almost the same thing can be said for women. “But wait a minute JQ, what about Lando? What about Leia? What about the slave girls in Jabba’s palace?” Let’s dissect those examples one by one. 1. Lando, the only black guy in space. Star Wars has always had a race problem. There are no non-­‐white people in A New Hope. If there are some that I’ve forgotten, then congratulations to you for knowing these movies better than I do. This trend is disrupted by The Empire Strikes Back, but not by much. Lando Calrissian, the old smuggler friend of Han Solo who switches sides at least twice, is the only speaking black character in the original trilogy. In fact, he’s the only speaking non-­‐white, non-­‐
alien character, and he is far from a leading role. While he’s important to the triple climax of Return of the Jedi, the focus still remains on our all-­‐white trio of heroes. The prequel trilogy attempted to rectify the problem by introducing not one, but TWO black speaking characters in The Phantom Menace, but this was largely overshadowed by walking Jamaican “savage” stereotype Jar-­‐Jar Binks. If your character has a dialect similar to African characters in Victorian literature, you know you probably messed it up. Add in the Jewish stereotype Watto and another trio of white characters, and you have the racial quagmire Star Wars found itself in leading up to The Force Awakens. 2. Leia Organa, blaster-­‐wielding diplomat princess. I’ll give the franchise this: Leia is a well-­‐written, well-­‐rounded character. She’s not the man-­‐in-­‐a-­‐skirt action hero we see in “Strong Female Characters,” nor the doe-­‐eyed killing machine or helpless ditze we got in the 90s and 00s (I’m looking at you, Whedon). Leia escaped the Empire twice, killed her abuser, got the 16 hottest piece in the galaxy (young Harrison Ford can get it), and helped depose a dictatorial regime. She’s an inspiration to everyone, but here’s the problem – she’s the only one. As I recall, two other women speak in the original trilogy: Aunt Beru, who is dead in the first hour, and Mon Mothma, who is on screen for less than five minutes and never mentioned before or after. Both serve more as exposition-­‐givers than people. If you want a work to include women, then it has to have women, plural. What about Pink 5, the female pilot whose voice is mysteriously recorded over by a man? Is it unbelievable that a woman could fly an X-­‐Wing? It just seems to be another reminder that the saving of the galaxy, the ruling of the galaxy, and the day-­‐to-­‐day function of the galaxy is handled by men, human or otherwise. With only two women in positions of power, and few in even minor roles, that’s the message we’re receiving. 3. Jabba’s slave girls. DANCING SLAVES WHO EXIST SOLELY TO ENTERTAIN OR BE KILLED DO NOT COUNT AS REPRESENTATION. A WOMAN IS MORE THAN HER BODY. A WOMAN IS MORE THAN HER SEXUAL APPEAL. EAT MY ENTIRE ASSHOLE IF YOU THINK OTHERWISE. Now that we’ve had a look at representation in the Star Wars franchise as it stood before December 8, 2015, let’s see where we stand now. 1. Poe Dameron, piloto. The first main character we meet in The Force Awakens is a Latino. Let me rephrase: in a galaxy where we had only met three black men, and a bunch of Maori clones, the new hotshot pilot is a bold Latino man ready to sacrifice himself for his cause. Poe Dameron is played by Oscar Isaac, the world’s new Chris Pratt (in that I liked him before he became Buzzfeed’s golden boy and now everyone wants to suck his dick but I was first in line so shut up). Born Óscar Isaac Hernández Estrada in Guatemala and raised in Miami, he’s risen through the ranks of indie film and prestige dramas to become, essentially, a new Harrison Ford. Isaac has stated that he considers Poe to have been born Yavin, due to the fact that the Yavin scenes were filmed in Guatemala – he embraces his culture, rather than distancing himself from it. And now, young Latinos have someone with the same background as them, in the biggest franchise of all time. 17 2. Finn, master of his own fate. A lone stormtrooper, horrified by the violence he’s witnessed, by his friend’s blood smeared on his mask, takes off his helmet to reveal that he’s a young black man. This is the only time a stormtrooper has removed his helmet on camera in the entirety of the franchise, and this single act demonstrates the strength of will and character that makes Finn one of the heroes of TFA. With the state of race relations in the United States, and the rapidly decaying life expectancy of black men confronted by police, this image is exceptionally powerful. Rather than be complicit in the system that treats him as a cog in the machine, Finn rejects this reality, and helps his fellow man. He aggressively cares for the people (and droids) he meets, substituting the cold collective of the First Order for a warmth and individualism he has not previously seen. He fights the power in his life, and wins. 3. Rey, scavenger and warrior. There are no queens or princesses in TFA, but if Leia had been marooned on a desert planet, I have no doubt that she and Rey would be nearly identical. Rey has a fierce will to survive, but compassion for others. Machines make sense to her (sound like another Star Wars character to you?), but she can clearly survive without them. She fights up close with a staff of her own construction, scrapes a living from the desert through her own physical prowess, and pilots a starship as if she’d been doing it her whole life. No ifs, ands, or buts: Rey is the main character of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The movie centers around her journey out of desert exile and into communion with the Force. No longer are the Jedi arts solely the realm of whiny Skywalker men – Rey is the chosen scion of the light, and is now the hero of little girls everywhere. Rey may be captured, but she breaks herself out. Rey may look as though she needs defending, but she’s the one who ends the fight. Whenever another a character is in trouble, if Rey is close by, she is the one to save them. To steal from another franchise, Rey is the hero we need, but not the one we deserve. She rises above the men who oppose her, gaining victory from inside of herself, not the help of outside forces and, through her example, young girls everywhere might now find themselves believing that they too can save the day, that they are more than the men in their lives, and that they, too, are chosen ones. TFA is a gold mine of diverse characters, with women in positions of power in both the Resistance and the First Order, minorities spread in speaking and background roles everywhere. I felt my heart soar when I saw a black man and an Asian woman in X-­‐wing cockpits, saw Leia rejecting the trappings of royalty and embracing a role as General Organa, heard Gwendoline Christie from behind the mask of Captain Phasma and Lupita Nyongo from the mouth of Maz Kanata. Disney had a plethora of diverse non-­‐white, non-­‐male characters to market, and yet still chose to focus their merchandising on Kylo Ren. Expecting a similar response as was seen with Darth Vader, Disney poured money into merchandise related to villain Kylo Ren, who many (not me) believe to be a poorly executed character. If you walk through the Star Wars aisle at Target, it will be easy to spot the two-­‐foot Kylo Ren action figures, or his tri-­‐saber, or his shuttle. What you might have some difficulty finding is anything pertaining to Rey. Because last time I checked, everything pertaining to her character had sold out. Clearly, there is more to be done to make Star Wars’ diversity reflect that of its audience. Thankfully, the upcoming Rogue One: A Star Wars Story seems to be tackling that head-­‐on: promo photos of the main cast show one white woman and four non-­‐white men. TFA proved that stories do not have to be about white men to sell movie tickets, or even to unseat the snow-­‐white Marvel movies as a flagship franchise. Disney just needs to catch up with that message. John Quinn is a noted Star Wars enthusiast whose mother immigrated to the States from Colombia at the age of 19 and father was born to the daughter of Dominican immigrants. He cried a lot every single time he saw The Force Awakens. 18 19
I Am Not a Goddamn Unicorn Galentine’s Day 2k16 Beckie Campbell Audrey Arnold Unicorns and I have two things in common: we’re both white as a ghost covered in flour and a lot of people seem to think we don’t exist. Jury’s still out on the unicorn, but I’m at least 97% sure that I’m real. For some reason though, I am still constantly finding my identity ignored, glossed over, or flat-­‐out denied. Greetings my fellow female Americans. With this meager article I present to you a modest proposal for the modern woman: the wide scale adoption of a made-­‐up holiday made famous by a fictitious TV character. What holiday am I alluding so delicately to? Oh, it’s only the bet day of the year, as Parks and Recreation’s Leslie Knope would say. It’s Galentine’s Day, people, and this year, let’s make it happen in real life. Here are some loving statements from friends and family: “You’re such a great ally, Beckie!” “Oh, I just think of you as straight since you’re dating a guy. I mean, you aren’t really bisexual since you’re not with a woman.” And, my personal favorite, “How do you know you’re bi if you’ve never been with a woman?” Ugh. The problem is, I can barely blame these people for their immense and frustrating ignorance when the problem lies with the fact that we just don’t talk about bisexuality as if it were a Real Thing. Even Orange Is The New Black, which has an openly bisexual woman as the main character, never once utters the word bisexual. Instead, we get shackled with words like confused, slutty, and “half-­‐lesbian.” It barely even occurred to me that I could be bisexual for most of my life. Though I started questioning when I was 7 or 8, and had crushes on women throughout my life, I still thought I was straight until I was a sophomore in college. But bisexuality is still a joke – something women pretend to be for attention and men do to cover up for the fact that they’re gay, right? Even within the LGBT community, bisexuality is met with distrust, dismissal, and disgust. I once made the mistake of coming out to a couple of gay friends. Their immediate response was “gross.” Thanks guys. Even though it’s been 15 years since my first romantic encounter with a girl, 10 since I even considered bisexuality as an identifier, and 3 since I finally figured out what the hell to call myself, I still feel pressured to prove my identity to myself and everyone around me. Any hint of attraction towards a woman feels like a checkpoint on some infinite, perverse quest for validation. Fuck that. If you haven’t seen the TV show, Parks and Recreation is a pseudo-­‐
documentary style comedy in which Leslie Knope, a government leader in her small community of Pawnee, Indiana, is constantly faced with the tedious issues of her fellow townspeople. Despite the never-­‐ending bureaucratic setbacks she encounters, Knope never loses sight of her values and knows who the vital contributors to her happiness are. Throughout the show, Leslie is constantly planning extravagant ways to demonstrate how much she appreciates the important people in her life. Her thoughtful gifts range from shared memory scrapbooking all the way to inventing new holidays to celebrate. And while the execution of these “labors of love” may be over the top in nature, their inherent message carries consequence in the real world. As women, we all benefit when we uplift each other, so why not have a holiday dedicated to simply celebrating ourselves? We have all been made aware that February is the month of love. Cheap candy in drugstores and retail chains everywhere suddenly becomes heart-­‐shaped and flesh-­‐toned. Stock in the long-­‐stem rose industry triples in value. And jewelry stores everywhere open their doors to weary boyfriends and girlfriends just trying to appease their significant others. We know the drill. On the 14th, all the couples will be out doing adorable couple-­‐y things at a premium, and all the single ladies will be drowning their sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, right? No, pop culture. Actually, wrong. I am not a goddamn unicorn. I am real. I am bisexual. Let’s talk about it. 21 As technology advances and the way we communicate changes, so does the way we perceive the meaning this day has. We’ve become so accustomed to the constant assault of rom-­‐com style media attention surrounding Valentine’s Day that it has become the norm for women to “pick a side” for how they feel about it all. Are you love-­‐struck or lonely? At home in sweats or out on the town? Somewhere down the line, the simple idea of love behind Valentine’s Day got lost in a flurry of advertisements and exponential expectations. Being in love on Cupid’s holiday can still be considered romantic, but being a single woman hating on the day has become clichéd. My point is this: whatever portion of the relationship spectrum you’re on, it’s always a good idea to let the people who support you know that they are loved. It’s as simple as that. This year, I challenge you to take a little tip from Leslie Knope and try recognizing a new holiday: Galentine’s Day. As women living in the 21st century, we are fortunate enough to live in an era of celebrated feminism. Instead of treating this day as some sort of ceremonious segregation of single women from those in relationships, we should take a day to celebrate all of the amazing women in our lives. Don’t succumb to the media’s portrayal of the lonely single woman this year. Ditch those mopey Valentine’s vibes and channel your energy into letting your girlfriends know how badass they are. It only comes once a year on the 13th of February. Happy Galentine’s Day. What’s Cooking With Kyle? Kyle Mackey A Big Ol’ Batch of Love Pudding So it would seem that you’re looking to fulfill the basic desire for companionship that all humans have to deal with, and seeing as though you’re looking at a recipe for advice thereon you clearly have no idea how to go about doing it. Well, recipe or not, you’ve come to the right place; in the following paragrapsh I will commence to thrill, terrify, and arouse you while simultaneously unloading a heft bundle of dating and relationship advice on your all-­‐too willing mind. Now you might be asking yourself why you should be taking love advice from someone who has never been in a healthy adult relationship, and such a shrewd question would usually be quite valid, but having listened to the entire discography of Boyz II Men, I can assure you that I know a thing or two about the tender act of love. With all doubts quelled it’s time to collect all of the ingredients necessary to cook up a hot bun of love: 22 •
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A sprig of understanding An ounce of patience A splash of passion A couple dashes of compromise A whole lot of affection A large-­‐ish jar of clover honey Now all this may seem very cute but it’s very important that you add these ingredients in exactly the right proportion because if you add too much understanding or you forget the second dash of compromise you’ll end up synthesizing Agent Orange, a potent herbicide and known teratogen. With that in mind let’s move on to the first step: finding a mate. Now the biggest problem most people face is figuring out a good place to find like-­‐minded people who are down and willing to procreate, so start out by thinking of something that you greatly enjoy doing and where that activity would normally take place. When you realize that what you enjoy is stupid and that no attractive person would ever be caught dead in a place where such lame things frequently occur, go to the nearest 23 coffee shop. Coffee shops are places where moderately dateable people convene to drink overpriced tea and coffee beverages while they browse Facebook and sulk about what a raw deal their generation got, i.e. the perfect venue to meet young single people. utterance of the l-­‐word, you’ll know that you’ve bagged yourself a significant other. Celebrate your victory; take a picture, write it in your journal, scream at passerby, do whatever you need to. Just don’t tell your parents, because they really don’t care. The key when selecting your future special someone is to snuggle into that sweet spot between adequate attractiveness and low enough standards to ignore that whole thing with your face. Once you’ve decided on your quarry you’re going to want to let them know you’re interested in them. The best way to do this is to make uninterrupted eye contact with them for as long as it takes for them to either acknowledge you or notify the coffee shop’s management. Remember: you’re trying to forge a lifelong bond here, so don’t be afraid to violate your love’s sense of personal security with your piercing gaze. Once you’ve stared long enough, give a salutatory nod in their direction and wait for your new beau to give a similar signal. If such a signal still doesn’t arrive after a reasonably long period of time, let’s say ten seconds, go ahead and sashay on over to where your soon-­‐to-­‐be beloved is sitting and expose them to your patented charm and debonair; tell an anecdote, spin a witticism, or, if you can’t for the life of you figure out how to impress another human being, slap a dirty napkin on their table with your phone number crudely written in lipstick, hop the counter, stuff a few scones in your pocket, and run out the back door. Congratulations. If you’ve made it this far you have successfully lied to another person enough that they think you’re a person worth loving, and now the only thing left to do is keep that shit up until one of you dies. The key to maintaining this delicate façade that you call a relationship is compromise. Fighting is the fastest way back to Lonelyville, Population: Sadness, so the thing to do is avoid disagreements altogether. This is done by taking what you want and taking what your SO wants and completely disregarding what you want; agree with everything they say, cede on every issue. If you want somebody’s respect, you have to show them that you’re willing to do whatever they want without any resistance on your part. Follow this simple advice and you’re guaranteed to maintain a healthy and loving relationship that might very well fill the void where all those nasty emotions are supposed to be. If at any point along the way to conjugal felicity you manage to be yourself long enough to screw everything up, simply take the jar of clover honey, rub its contents all over your naked body, stand cruciform in a flowery meadow, and wait for the bees to come and carry you away. Now after a few days, you’re practically guaranteed to be getting a phone call or text message from your newfound love begging you for a date after witnessing your profound vaulting ability and extensive pocket capacity. Of course, you being a deplorably lonely wretch will agree to such an arrangement. It’s important when picking a first date location to find a place that offers dim lighting and a ready distraction from yourself; the lighting is important for obvious reasons (again, the your face thing), and the distraction makes it easier to avoid any close examination of your personality or psyche which might reveal just how irreparably disturbed you really are. The idea here is to fool your beloved into thinking you’re a normal person until they spend so much time with you that they start to confuse familiarity with affection. At this point, you make it official by telling your special friend that you love them. If they don’t burst into laughter or recoil in horror from the mere 24 25 High Class Restaurant Reviews: Tom + Chee Editor’s Note: Lint & Loose Change does not endorse the entirely sober and entirely legal mental state in which this article was written. We do, however, find the results hilarious, and we hope you do too. The time is 8:13. It is a beautiful day. The restaurant is a bit dimly lit, but it has a certain allure. The restaurant is Tom + Chee. According to the fun facts on the water cup, Tom + Chee made it big in 2012 on Shark Tank. The deal is, this restaurant only serves grilled cheese and tomato soups. That’s it. Also donuts, but we’ll get to that later. My first impression of my experience is how great and cold this water is. Service was fair and my interaction with the cashier was pleasant. Update: they are now playing “All Star” by Smash Mouth. I ordered the grilled mac and chee (white cheddar mac and cheese between two slices of bread, grilled) and the bananarama (gouda and banana between two thin slices of donut). Other members of my party have ordered a mint chocolate grilled cheese donut, a blueberry grilled cheese donut, a BBQ grilled cheese, a crunchy garlic chicken grilled cheese, and another one. The mint chocolate grilled cheese was, quote, “pretty good, but not a good idea due to my family’s history of diabetes.” My food has come. The sandwich is made between two thick, toasted slices of white bread reminiscent of my elementary school cafeteria’s, but in a really good way. In the first half, the grilled bread sort of overpowered the mac and cheese, but the second half redeemed itself. 9/10. For those looking to consume a few fewere calories, though, a side of mac and chee may be more in your ballpark. I for one am quite happy with the amount of carbs in this sandwich. Two comfort foods in one. God bless America. This donut is a work of god. The glaze has caramelized perfectly to compliment the bananas. Not unlike bananas foster with more crunch and no ice cream and also cheese. 10/10. Overall a great experience. Friends are going back for donuts. The evening is a success. Don Tonald’s Cosmic Horrorscopes Thomas Speers A new year, a new beginning. This is the time to start over, to finally take control of your own destiny, right? Wrong! Your destiny is still fixed forever based on whichever ancient Babylonian constellation you were lucky enough to be born under. “But,” you say, “so long as I don’t know anything about which animal, mythological figure, or tragic disease I was born under, I can still preserve the illusion of free will, right?” Well, that’s where I come in. As a service to mankind, I will share the secrets of the stars themselves, and predict your future, free of charge.** But, I warn you – I’m not just going to tell you what you want to hear. That costs extra. Aries (21 March – 20 April): All good things…are going to happen to you this month! Lucky bastard. Taurus (21 April – 21 May): You. Yes, you. Do it! Ask them out! What could possible go wrong? Aside from [ABSOLUTELY NOTHING JUST DO IT MAN GO FOR IT],,, of course. Gemini (22 May -­‐21 June): This month is a time of action. Will you rise to the occasion? The Oracle says no, but what does she know? Depressing old fraud. I say it’s a definite maybe. Cancer (22 June – 22 July): Something will happen this month. Probably. No promises though. Leo (23 July – 22 August): A new beginning awaits you, with the guy/girl of your dreams! Happy Valentine’s Day! Virgo (23 August – 23 September): Bad news. Leo stole yo guy/girl. Libra (24 September – 23 October): The stars foretell wondrous things this month. That, or waves of burning radiation travelling at the speed of light. One of the two. Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): Yikes. 27 Sagitarrius (23 November – 21 December): I tell ya, it doesn’t look good. Oh, your horoscope? That’s all fine. I was talking about your outfit. Completely Accurate Sex Advice With so many positive reviews surrounding Lint & Loose Change’s sex advice column last February, the time has come for another completely comprehensive, entirely honest, and definitely realistic set of sex tips to woo your Valentine over this year. Just make sure to keep protection handy, because these are sure to drive your mate wild. • Avoid eye contact to keep the romance alive. • Keep your shoes on for an increased coefficient of friction. • Take a double dose of Nyquil beforehand to reduce sensitivity. • For a fun post-­‐coital activity, try turning the used condom into a water balloon. • Try playing some Tuvan throat singing to get them in the mood. • On that note, perform you head off to bead, perform some throat singing yourself, just to show them what you’re capable of. • Real communists seize the means of reproduction. • Have a third party fill the bed with water balloons. Exactly one should contain a leech. Neither of you will know which. • Set up all your anime figures and tell them you like an audience. • Release a swarm of bees in the room to keep things interesting. Happy lovemaking! Capricorn (22 December – 20 January): Love is in the air. No, really. Please shower after sex next time. Aquarius (21 January – 19 February): This month is the perfect time to travel! I hear Ethiopia is nice this time of year, plus I learned the other day that it’s on the exact opposite side of the planet as the Yellowstone Caldera! Crazy stuff! Pisces (20 February – 20 March): Good news! Inner peace is coming your way. Aaaaaand it passed you. Better luck next month, eh? ** For a 30-­‐day trial period. 28 29 Cut-­‐Out Valentines Illustrations by Minh-­‐Thu Nguyen