august2006

F
R
E
A MAGAZINE NOT JUST FOR OLDER PEOPLE ! VOLUME 8 " ISSUE 8 " AUGUST 2006
J
ohn is the kind of
guy you love to
hate. He is
always in a good
mood and always
has something positive to
say. When someone would
ask him how he was doing,
he would always reply, "If I
were any better, I would be
twins!"
He was a natural motivator.
If an employee was having a
bad day, John was there
telling the employee how to
look on the positive side of
the situation.
Seeing his style really made
me curious, so one day I
went up and asked him, "I
don't get it! You can't be a
positive person all of the
time. How do you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I
wake up and say to myself,
you have two choices today.
You can choose to be in a
good mood or ... you can
choose to be in a bad mood.
I choose to be in a good
mood."
Each time something bad
happens, I can choose to be
a victim or...I can choose to
learn from it. I choose to
learn from it.
Every time someone comes to
me complaining, I can
choose to accept their
complaining or... I can point
out the positive side of life. I
choose the positive side of
life.
Remember When
Take a nostalgic trip back
to when you were a kid
"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is
all about choices. When
you cut away all the junk,
every situation is a choice.
You choose how you react
to situations. You choose
how people affect
your mood.
You
choose
to be
in a
good
mood
or
bad
mood.
The
bottom
line:
It's your
choice
how you
live your
life."
I
reflected
on what
he said.
Soon
hereafter,
I left the
company
where John and I worked
together to start my own
business. We lost touch, but
I often thought about him
when I made a choice
about life instead
of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard
that John was involved in a
serious accident, falling
some 60 feet from the top
of a new Hydro tower, just
missing the live electrical
lines. After 18 hours of
surgery and weeks of
intensive care, he was
released from the hospital
with 4 steal rods in his
back.
I saw him about six
months after the
accident. When I
asked him
how he
was, he
replied, "If I
were any
better, I'd
be twins…
Wanna
see my
scars?"
I declined to
see his scars,
but I did ask him what had
gone through his mind as
the accident took place.
"The first thing that went
through my mind was the
live electrical wires below,
carrying 60,000 volts miraculously I missed
them. The second thing
was the well-being of my
soon-to-be born daughter,"
PAGE 3
A whole weekend of
exciting farm fun
PAGE 3
Marriage can be a tricky
time for names.
he replied. "Then, as I lay on
the ground, I remembered
that I had two choices: I
could choose to live or...I
could choose to die. I chose
to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you
lose consciousness?" I
asked.
He continued, "..the
paramedics were great. They
kept telling me I was going
to be fine. But when
they wheeled me into the ER
and I saw the looks on the
faces of the doctors and
nurses, I got really scared. In
their eyes, I read 'he's a dead
man'. I knew I needed to
take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly
nurse shouting questions at
me," said John. "She asked if
I was allergic to anything.
“Yes, I replied.” The doctors
and nurses stopped working
as they
waited for my reply. I took a
deep breath and yelled,
“Gravity!”
Over their laughter, I told
them, "I am choosing to live.
Operate on me as if I am
alive, not dead."
John lived, thanks to the skill
of his doctors, but also
because of his amazing
attitude... I learned from him
that every day we have the
choice to live fully.
~ Original author unknown
Remember the 70’s
Agrifest Is Back
Recipe
Bet you’ve never made
Donuts this way before
"Yeah, right, it's not that
easy," I protested.
PAGE 4
For all those who were
little girls in the 70’s
PAGE 7
A Quick Laugh
PUZZLER
PAGE 5
Jokes & Tidbits to share
with friends over coffee
PAGE 8
PAGE 2
JULY 2006
From the Editor
Kevin Estey
We are truly into the dog-days
of summer now, the sun is
setting earlier in the evenings,
and the temperature has hit
it’s peak limit (it can’t
possibly get any hotter). This
is Yard Sale weather!!!
Ask anyone and they’ll tell
you I love home makeover
shows. I also seem to have an
eye for good design and
coordination, my own sense of
fashion excluded because I’m
too poor (or cheap) to buy
really nice clothes, but I seem
to have one of those Debbie
Travis, Martha Stewart, Ty
Pennington abilities to pick
nice colors and styles that
work. While my wife and son
Recipe For
Washing Clothes
I’ve never thought of my
electric washing machine in
this light before. What a
blessing it is to have one!
Years ago an Alabama
grandmother gave her
daughter, the new bride, the
following recipe for doing the
washing. We haven’t altered
it in any way - spelling
included.
Recipe for Washing:
Build fire in backyard to heat
a kettle of rain water. Set
tubs so smoke wont blow in
yer eyes if wind is pert. Shave
one hole cake of lie soap in
Aged To Perfection Seniors Magazine
spent two weeks in NFLD
recently, I played home
decorator and completely
rearranged and refurnished
three rooms of the house.
It was just like Trading
Spaces or Home Makeover
– rushing to stay on track,
pinching every penny to
stay in budget. It was a
hoot shopping for blinds
that matched pillows that
coordinated with the paint.
The only thing I can’t
figure out is how on all
those TV shows the rest of
the house always seems to
stay in some form or order.
It must be special effects
because my house was,
and to some degree still is,
a chaotic mess.
You can’t possibly clear out
three rooms for painting
and redecorating without
creating several large piles
of “stuff” that used to be in
the rooms. Afterwards, you
don’t want to put all that
“stuff” back into your nice
clean rooms, so it gets
sorted into more piles of
keep, toss, and yard sale,
just like Clean Sweep.
It’s amazing how much
junk you can accumulate in
just a few short years. Well
one person’s junk is
someone else’s treasure, so
a yard sale there will be.
Perhaps my wife will even
take me to dinner
afterwards… hint hint.
We have a quite a good
collection of reader
submissions this month
including some poetry and
remembrances from years
gone by, as well as a funny
little puzzler game for you
Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and
rags.
So sit back in your favorite
chair or lounger, get yourself
a cup of coffee or tea, relax
and enjoy this month’s
magazine and what’s left of
this glorious summer.
Go put on a clean dress,
smooth hair with hair combs.
Brew a cup of tea, sit and
rock a spell and count your
blessings.
To make starch, stir flour in
cool water to smooth, then
thin down with boiling
water.
Take things out of kettle
with a broom stick handle,
then wrench, and starch.
A recent Sunday sermon
spoke about how we face
adversity in our lives – do
we see only the bad things,
or the opportunities that
might present themselves in
a bad situation? This story
falls along the same lines. It
is definitely something we
can all reflect on.
bed. Scrub porch with hot
soapy wash water. Turn tubs
upside down to dry out.
boilin water.
Take white things, rub dirty
spots on a washin board,
scrub hard, and boil in
kettle, then rub colored, but
don't boil, just wrench and
starch.
to play. Our cover piece this
month came in an email
from a reader, and although
it may only be one of those
sappy chain letters that
circulated the internet, it has
a good point to make and it
left an impression on me.
Paste this over your washer
and dryer. Next time when
you think things are bleak,
read it again, kiss that
washing machine and dryer,
and give thanks.
Hang old rags and britches
on fence to dry.
Spread tea towels on grass.
Pore wrench water in flower
For you non-southerners wrench means rinse.
~ Submitted by:
Barb Bryanton
ARBORDALE
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Aged To Perfection Seniors Magazine
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN
!
It took five minutes for the
TV warm up?
!
Nearly everyone's Mom was
at home when the kids got
home from school?
!
Nobody owned a purebred
dog?
!
When a quarter was a
decent allowance?
!
You'd reach into a muddy
gutter for a penny?
!
Your Mom wore nylons that
came in two pieces?
!
All your male teachers wore
neckties and female
teachers had their hair
done every day and wore
high heels?
!
You got your windshield
cleaned, oil checked, and
gas pumped, without
asking, all for free, every
time? And you didn't pay for
air? And, you got trading
stamps to boot?
and saying things like,
"That cloud looks like a "
and playing baseball with
no adults to help kids with
the rules of the game?
!
Stuff from the store came
without safety caps and
hermetic seals because
no one had yet tried to
poison a perfect stranger?
!
When being sent to the
principal's office was
nothing compared to the
fate that awaited the
student at home?
!
Your favourite TV people
were Nancy Drew, the
Hardy Boys, Laurel and
Hardy, Howdy Dowdy and
the Peanut Gallery, the
Lone Ranger, The Shadow
Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy
and Dale, Trigger and
Buttermilk.
!
Summers filled with bike
rides, baseball games,
Hula Hoops, bowling and
visits to the pool, and
eating Kool-Aid powder
with sugar.
Saturday morning
cartoons weren't
commercials for action
figures?
!
Laundry detergent had free
glasses, dishes or towels
hidden inside the box?
!
It was considered a great
privilege to be taken out to
dinner at a real restaurant
with your parents?
!
!
They threatened to keep
kids back a grade if they
failed. . and they did?
!
!
When a 57 Chevy was
everyone's dream car...to
cruise, peel out, lay rubber
or watch submarine races,
and people went steady?
!
!
!
No one ever asked where
the car keys were because
they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the
doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the
grass with your friends
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made
perfect sense, and
spinning around, getting
dizzy, and falling down
was great cause for
uncontrollable giggles?
War was a card game and
baseball cards or playing
cards in the spokes
transformed any bike into
a motorcycle?
!
Taking drugs meant
orange-flavored chewable
aspirin?
!
Water balloons were the
ultimate weapon?
JULY 2006
PAGE 3
MOM’s DONUTS
Back when we were kids, a cake or
some donuts were a real treat, and
of course they were always homemade. This recipe was my
Mother’s, Laura MacKenzie, in the
early 1900’s, and she taught all us
girls to recite it by memory.
One cup sugar, one cup milk
Two eggs beaten fine as silk
Salt and nutmeg, or lemon will do
Of baking powder, teaspoons two
Lightly stir some flour in
Roll on a pie board, not to thin
Cut into diamonds, twists or rings
Drop with care the doughy things
Into fat that briskly swells
Evenly the spongy cells
Watch with care their time for turning
Fry them brown, just short of burning
Remove with fork and serve when cool
Price? One quarter for this rule.
~ submitted by: Eva Starkey
Redondo Beach, California
JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, you need to be more specific".
Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide for my new
fax machine it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax
machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for
Jack?"
ORCHARD VILLA
Independent & Assisted Living for Seniors
Not exactly
as shown
Port Williams 542-7888
YOUR ONE-STOP
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PAGE 4
AUGUST 2006
Aged To Perfection Seniors Magazine
I Found A Penny
I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground.
But it's not just a penny,
this little coin I've found.
Found pennies come from heaven,
That's what my Grandpa told me.
He said Angels toss them down.
Oh, how I loved that story.
Agrifest is coming back to the Valley with even more
exciting events and venues for food and wine lovers,
families of all sizes and ages, gardeners and farmers. It’s
all happening in Canning in the Annapolis Valley August
10th to 13th - you won’t want to miss it.
Hear over 60 presenters and 100 talks, tours and exhibits
including Pete Luckett, gardeners Jodi Delong and Sonia
Day and the awesome Green Kitchen. Take wine tasting
and cheese and wine pairing classes with the Valley Wine
Tours experts, see daily food demos and enjoy exhibitor
sampling. Learn how eggs are graded, make ice cream,
see how sheep are sheared and how flour is made.
We guarantee one day won’t be enough! Fun for the whole
family.
A full schedule of events, directions, maps and tickets are
all available on the web at www.agrifest.com, or check your
local grocery store, post office, or community bulletin board
for posters and information.
Major sponsors of this years events include: AgraPoint,
Nova Scotia Department of Agriculture, Co-op Atlantic, Dairy
Farmers of Canada, Dairy Farmers of Nova Scotia,
Scotiabank, CTV and Eden Valley Farms.
Mainstreet Video
RiteSTOP
Convenience Items
Snacks - Pop - Movies
Magazines - Lottery
Groceries & More!
237 Commercial St. Berwick
538-7931
He said when an Angel misses you,
They toss a penny down.
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
To make a smile out of your frown.
So, don't pass by that penny,
When you're feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel's tossed to you.
Remember this every time you pass
that little penny in the parking lot.
~ submitted by:
Mama Moo, Berwick
Wedgewood House
LICENSED RESIDENTIAL CARE HOME
An elegant retirement home offering
private rooms with private baths,
homemade meals, housekeeping,
laundry and 24 hour nursing care.
Visitors always welcome. Please call
us to arrange a no obligation tour
19 Leverett Avenue, Kentville
(902) 678-1242
Aged To Perfection Seniors Magazine
Heaven
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp-the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade
who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to him was my old neighbour
who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought
was rotting away in hell,
was sitting pretty on cloud nine,
looking incredibly well.
I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?
I would love to hear Your take.
How'd all these sinners get up here?
God must've made a mistake.
"And why's everyone so quiet,
so sombre? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said He, "they're all in shock.
No one thought they'd be seeing you."
Judge NOT.
AUGUST 2006
PU ZZLER
LER
This is more a silly game than
a real puzzle, but it is fun to try
and think of the answers first
before getting the punch-line.
When people get married they
generally take a different
name, sometimes the man
takes the woman’s, sometimes
they take each others, etc. If
the following marriages were
to take place and the various
names were taken, what would
be the result? Answers can be
found on page 7, but NO
PEEKING!!! We’ll give you the
first one as an example.
Nog (one of the aliens on "Star
Trek) has no other name, so he
uses it twice when getting a
marriage license. If he married
Howard Hughes, and then
Pamela Dare, he'd be...
Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny
Bono, she'd be…
2. If Dolly Parton married
Salvador Dali, she'd be…
3. If Don Ho married Bo
Derek, he'd be...
4. If Ella Fitzgerald married
Darth Vader, she'd be...
5. If Oprah Winfrey married
Depak Chopra, she'd be…
Notice anything odd about this cow? We had to look
long and hard to see it. Thanks to Barb Bryanton.
Sole Provider
Custom Orthotics and Medical Supplies
6. If Cat Stevens married
Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd
be…
www.soleproviders.com
7. If Olivia Newton-John
married Wayne Newton, then
divorced him to marry Elton
John, she'd be...
8. If Sondra Locke married
Elliott Ness, then divorced
him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become…
9. If Bea Arthur married Sting,
she'd be...
10. If Tuesday Weld married Hal
March III, she'd be…
11. If Liv Ullman married Judge
Lance Ito, then divorced him
and married Jerry Mathers,
she'd be...
12. If G. Gordon Liddy married
Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then
divorced him to marry Kenny
G., he'd be…
13. If Jack Handy (SNL writer)
married Andy Capp, then
married Jack Paar, then
moved on to Stephen King,
he'd be...
14. If Woody Allen married
Natalie Wood, divorced her
and married Gregory Peck,
divorced him and married
Ben Hur, he'd be…
15. And finally the best for last:
If Ivana Trump married, in
succession, Orson Bean
(actor), King Oscar (of
Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of
MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would
then be…
Don’t think too hard on these,
they are meant to be fun.
Thanks to Paula Kohlhauser of
BC for sending this one in to us.
The Windsor Elms
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Providing quality care in a
home-like setting since 1966.
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Phone/Fax 902 678-0020
PAGE 5
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T: 798-2251 F: 798-3302
email: [email protected]
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Seasonal Products, Deli
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A multi-disciplinary
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Physiotherapy, Occupational therapy,
Massage therapy, Orthotics &
Psychological Counselling
1002 Kentucky Court New Minas
(902) 681-8181
PAGE 6
AUGUST 2006
Aged To Perfection Seniors Magazine
Remembering
the 1970’s
If you were a little girl, or had
a little girl in the 70’s then
you probably remember
most , if not all, of these:
$
Centrestage Theatre
The Little Theatre with a Big Heart
Peggy and Grace
A warm comedy with a twist by
Bonnie Laing. Two retired women
take the trip of a lifetime and
discover surprising things about
themselves.
Sept 15, 16 ,22, 23, 29, 30;
Oct 6, 7, 13. 14, 15, 20, 21
The Somewhat True Tale of
Robin Hood
A comedy by Mary Lynn Dobson
Robin turns this once-simple
legend into a hysterical trip
through Sherwood Forest with
surprises at every turn.
Nov 4*, 10, 17, 18, 24, 25;
Dec 1, 2, 3†, 8, 9
For show times and dates.
Call 678-3502
YOU had Star Wars action
figures, too!
$
You begged Santa for the
electronic game, Simon.
$
$
You had the Donnie and Marie
dolls with those pink and
purple satiny shredded outfits.
It was a big event in your
household each year when the
"Wizard of Oz" would come on
TV. Your mom would break out
the popcorn and sleeping bags!
You spent hours in your
backyard on your metal swing
set with the trapeze. The
swing set tipped over at least
once.
$
$
You often asked your Magic-8
ball the question: "Who will I
marry. Shaun Cassidy, Leif
Garrett, or David Cassidy..?"
$
You completely wore out your
Grease, Saturday Night Fever,
and Fame soundtrack record
album.
$
You tried to do lots of arts and
crafts, like yarn and Popsiclestick God's eyes, decoupage, or
those weird potholders made on
a plastic loom.
$
You made Shrinky-Dinks and
put iron-on kittens on your tshirts!
$
You used to tape record songs
off the radio by holding your
portable tape player up to the
speaker.
$
You had subscriptions to
Dynamite and Tiger Beat.
$
You learned everything you
needed to know about girl
issues from Judy Blume books
(Are you there God, It's me,
Margaret.)
$
You wanted to be a Solid Gold
dancer.
$
You drowned yourself in Love's
Baby Soft - which was the first
"real" perfume you ever owned.
$
you glopped your lips in
Strawberry Roll-on lip gloss till it
almost dripped off.
You had that Fisher Price
Doctor 's Kit with a
stethoscope that actually
worked.
$
You had homemade ribbon
barrettes in every imaginable
color.
$
You learned to skate with
actual skates (not roller
blades) that had metal wheels
and a key.
$
$
You thought Gopher from Love
Boat was cute (admit it!)
You had a pair of Doctor
Scholl's sandals (the ones
with hard sole & the buckle).
You also had a pair of saltwater sandals.
$
$
You had nightmares after
watching Fantasy Island.
You wanted to be Laura
Ingalls Wilder really bad; and
you despised Nellie Olson!
$
You wanted your first kiss to
be at a roller rink.!
$
Your hairstyle was described
as having "wings" or "feathers"
and you kept it "pretty" with
the comb you kept in your
back pocket.
$
$
You had rubber boots for rainy
days and Moon boots for
snowy days.
You owned a "Slip-n-Slide", on
which you injured yourself on
a sprinkler head more than
once.
$
You owned "Klick-Klacks" and
smacked yourself in the face
more than once.
$
You had either a "bowl cut" or
"pixie," not to mention the
"Dorothy Hamill". People
sometimes thought you were
a boy.
$
Chicken & Chicks is on again.
Sept 24th at 2:00. Tickets are $25.
Come and See Peggy and Grace
and enjoy a chicken barbecue after
the show.
$
You owned a bicycle with a
banana seat and a plastic
basket with flowers on it.
[email protected]
The Three Little Pigs
A musical fairy tale by Lani
Brockman and Susan Bardsley.
The three little pigs try to build a
wolf-proof home.
August 11, 12, 18, 19, 25, 26
You wore a poncho, gauchos,
and knickers.
$
21 River Street, Kentville
www.centrestagetheatre.ca
Reservations: 678-8040
$
Your Holly Hobbie sleeping
bag was your most prized
possession.
IN CASE OF
EMERGENCY
Here's an interesting little bit
that is making it’s way
around the world by email.
We thinks it’s a great idea
and wanted to share it with
our readers:
If you were in an accident, or
suffered a fall or ailment that
left you incapacitated and
unable to speak - how would
those assisting you know
how to get a hold of your next
of kin or advisor?
A recent newspaper article
featured an idea that is
catching on and it is a very
simple, yet important method
$
You know who Strawberry
Shortcake is, as well as her
friends, Blueberry Muffin and
Huckleberry Pie.
$
You carried a Muppets lunch
box to school and it was
metal, not plastic. With the
thermos inside!
$
You and your girlfriends would
fight over which of the Dukes
of Hazzard was your
boyfriend.
of contact for you or a loved
one in case of an emergency.
As cell phones are carried by
the majority population these
days, all you need to do is
program the number of a
contact person or persons
and store the name as "ICE"
for In Case of Emergency.
The idea was thought up by a
paramedic who found that
when they went to the
scenes of accidents, there
were always mobile phones
with patients, but they didn't
know which numbers to call.
He therefore thought that it
would be a good idea if there
was a nationally recognized
name to file "next of kin"
under.
The idea is that you store the
word "ICE " in your mobile
phone address book, and with
it enter the number of the
person you would want to be
contacted In an actual
emergency situation,
Emergency Services personnel
and hospital staff would then
be able to quickly contact your
next of kin, by simply dialling
the number programmed
under "ICE".
It could be some time before it
catches on with everyone, and
police and hospitals adopt the
idea, but it is a great idea that
will make a difference!
~ submitted by
The Isnors
Aged To Perfection Seniors Magazine
AUGUST2006
PAGE 7
SUBSCRIBE TODAY
When I’m
An Old Lady
DON’T MISS
ANOTHER
EXCITING ISSUE!
When I’m an old lady, I’ll live with my kids,
And make them so happy, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they’ve provided,
Returning each deed, Oh they’ll be excited!
I’ll write on the wall with reds, greens and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I’ll drink from the carton, and then leave it out,
I’ll throw stuff in the toilets, Oh how they’ll shout!
I’ll sit close to the TV, through the channels I’ll click,
I’ll cross both my eyes to see if they’ll stick.
I’ll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud ‘til the end of the day.
When they’re on the phone and just out of reach,
I’ll get into things, like the sugar and bleach.
They’ll snap their fingers and then shake their heads,
And when that’s done, I’ll hide under the bed.
And
And
And
And
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later in bed, I’ll lay back and sigh,
thank God in prayer and then close my eyes,
my Kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
say with a groan, “She’s so sweet when she’s sleeping!”
When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I’ll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I’ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry, run as fast as I’m able.
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Puzzler Answers
from page 5
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Yoko Ono Bono
Dolly Dali
Don Ho Bo
Ella Vader
Oprah Chopra
Cat Doggy Dogg
Olivia Newton-John Newton
John
Sondra Locke Ness Munster
Bea Sting
OVER
50
Tuesday March 3
Liv Ito Beaver
G. Ghali G
Jack Handy Capp Paar King
Woody Wood Peck Hur
Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener
Now wasn’t that just about the silliest
thing you’ve spent 15 minutes doing?
And didn’t it feel good to laugh.
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A Quick Laugh Along The Way
Healthy Golf
An 80-year retired insurance
agent goes to the doctor for a
checkup. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in
and asks, "How do you stay in
such great physical condition?"
I'm a golfer," says the old guy,
"and that's why I'm in such good
shape. I'm up well before
daylight and out golfing up and
down the fairways all day."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure
that helps, but there's got to be
more to it. How old was your
father when he died?"
"Who said my father is dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You
mean you're 80 years old and
your father is still alive. How old
is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the
old golfer. "In fact, he golfed
with me this morning, and that's
why he's still alive. He's a
regular daily golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's
great, but I'm sure there's more
to it than that. How about your
Grandfather? How old was he
when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You
mean you're grandfather's still
living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the
old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated
at this point, "So, I guess he
went golfing with you this
morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this
morning because he's getting
married today."
At this point the doctor is close
to losing it. "Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy
want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
A Mixed Up Morning
Two elderly women were eating
breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed
something funny about Mabel's
ear and she whispered, '"Mabel,
do you know you've got a
suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel gasped, "Ethel, I'm glad
you saw this thing. Now I think
I know where to find my
hearing aid."
Man Overboard
An elderly couple were on a
50th Anniversary cruise and it
was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the
boat watching the moon, when
a wave came up and washed
the old man overboard.
The crew searched for days
but couldn't find and sign of
him, so the captain sent the
old woman back to shore with
the promise that he would
notify her as soon as they
found something.
Three weeks went by and
finally the old woman got a
telegram from the boat. It
read: "So sorry to inform you,
we found your husband dead
at the bottom of the ocean.
We hauled him up to the deck
and found attached to his butt
an oyster, and in it was a pearl
worth $50,000, please
advise."
The old woman sent back the
following reply: "Most gracious
for your efforts. Send me the
pearl and re-bait the trap."
Moving Day
A funeral service is being held
for a woman who has just
passed away. At the end of the
service, the pall bearers are
carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a
wall, jarring the casket.
From inside they hear a faint
moan, and they open the
casket to find that the woman
is actually alive! She lives for
ten more happy years, and
then peacefully passes away.
Once again, a ceremony is
held, and at the end the pall
bearers are again carrying out
the casket. As they head
towards the door of the church
the husband cries out, "Watch
out for that wall boys!"
Why we split up.
She told me we couldn't afford
beer anymore and that I'd
have to give it up.
Then I caught her spending
$65.00 on make-up at the
mall, and I asked how come I
had to give up stuff but she
didn’t.
She said she needed the
make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the
beer was for….. I don't think
she's coming back.
Nunsense
A nun was sitting at the
airport, waiting on her flight to
Chicago. She looked over in
the corner and saw one of
those weight machines that
tells your fortune, and thought
to herself, "I'll give it a try and
see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine,
stepped up on the scale and
put her nickel in, and out
came a card that read, "You
are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs.
and you are going to Chicago."
The nun sat back down. She
told herself that the machine
probably gives the same card
to everyone. The more she
thought about it, the more
curious she got, so she
decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine
and again put her nickel in,
and out came a card that read
"You are a nun, you weigh
128 lbs, you are going to
Chicago and you are going to
play a fiddle."
The nun says to herself, "I know
that is wrong, I have
never played a musical
instrument a day in my life."
She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy
came over and sat down,
putting his fiddle case in the
seat between them. Without
thinking, she opened the
cowboy's case, took out the
fiddle, and started playing
beautiful music. Surprised at
what she had done, she looked
over at the machine and began
thinking, "This is incredible, I've
got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went,
put in another nickel, and
another card came out. It read,
"You are a nun, you weigh 128
lbs, you are going to Chicago
and you are going to break wind
in public."
Now she knows the machine is
wrong, as she thought to
herself, "I've never broken wind
in public a single time in my
life", but getting down off the
machine she slipped, and as
she was straining to keep
herself from falling on the floor,
she broke wind. Absolutely
stunned, she sat back down and
looked at the machine.
She said to herself, "This is truly
remarkable; I have to try this
again." She went back to the
machine, put in another nickel,
and another card came out. It
read, "You are a nun, you weigh
128 lbs, enough fiddling and
farting around, you’re going to
miss your flight to Chicago."