Microbriefs - tonyperegrin.com

58_Lowdown_SatireCH_P
3/10/06
3:37 PM
Page 58
+ the lowdown satire
them embrace the fact that he was sporting
thigh-baring, skin-tight swimwear.
Moral of the celluloid trip down memory
lane? These men wore the nut-huggers—the
nut-huggers didn’t wear them. Still the
question remains: Can the modern man, gay
or straight, wear a Speedo (or, as some like
to call them, Spee-Doh’s!) and not look like
a total wanker? Well, Pierce Brosnan sports
one like a true alpha male in the recent movie
Left: Speedo-chic on the Salvatore Ferragamo runway.
The Matador, and Uma Thurman’s badass
Right: A promotional poster from 1965’s Thunderball.
beau, hotel magnate André Balazs, ain’t too
shy to rock the thingy slingy.
Even so, what we do know is this: It is
a very specific subset of the average
American male who generally wear skimpy
swimsuits. It’s the same type of guy who, at
To banana-hammock or not to banana-hammock... Is there even a question?
the gym, has no problem making laps
by tony peregrin
around the locker room sans towel, who will
engage you in conversation despite the fact
that his unit is exposed. (God help you if
Whether you’re packing a light saber or a light switch, nut-huggers (see also:
you happen to be on bended knee, tying your gym shoe, when said guy
“mankini,” “ouch pouch” and “St. Tropez truffle duffle”) present quite a
approaches.) This guy is inevitably the same gent who wears Speedos
conundrum for the contemporary male. Flipping through the glossy pages of
without a moment’s hesitation. Or, if he’s particularly fashion savvy—the
men’s trend and culture magazines (like the one you are reading right now),
fitted swimming trunk or short-short (see above on Bond).
we squint in agony and mock-horror at the sight of all these micro-shorts
Perhaps it’s tempting for Joe Straight to confuse this type of
and box-cut bathing suits being touted by designers we generally respect
exhibitionist with gay men—no thanks to Ricky Martin, who loves donning
and admire—Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Burberry Prorsum and Salvatore
his banana-hammock on beach vacation getaways, doing pushups in the
Ferragamo are among this season’s barely there swimsuit offenders. And
sand for all the world to see—but we know plenty of urban gays who shun
thus the questions are born: “Can I carry it off?” and “Do I even want to?”
nut-huggers for the same reason everyone else does: They’re too revealing!
Let’s begin by looking at it from a cinematic perspective...
Sure, gay men may be more appreciative of the contours and shapes
First there was Sean Connery in Dr. No and Thunderball (no pun
afforded by these form-fitting fig-leafs, but they too often find them just as
intended). Connery-as-Bond knew how to wear a ballbushka like a man. He
uncomfortable (and a little too feminine) for their everyday tastes.
exuded danger and sensuality and the kind of confidence that gave those
In summation, this much is true: It’s nearly impossible to achieve a truly
trunks swagger instead of shimmy. Then came along Mr. Tom Selleck as
masculine state in a Speedo—unless you’re Pierce Brosnan, which you’re
Magnum, P.I. Selleck was the pinnacle of the kind of hairy-chested
not. So keep your member, and your upper thighs for that matter, where
masculinity that could effortlessly carry off micro-shorts as if they were a
they belong—behind a nice pair of modest-length Vilebrequins or the
pair of air-filled parachute pants. Seemingly unaware of his sex appeal,
lengthier still board short. Cause when it’s all said and done, unless you’re
Magnum had an awe-shucks vibe, an all-knowing smile and an innocent
catching some rays on your private yacht off the coast of Portofino, keep
twinkle in his eye that charmed his audience (male and female) and made
your hoo-hoo canoe hidden and stop driving us nuts.
58
the men’s book
JAMES BOND IMAGE © MGM/CORBIS
battle of the bulge