BUSH ANNOUNCES CREATION OF WAR CORPS

Volume 6, Issue 3
one hundred and fifteen years of same bat time, same bat channel
BUSH ANNOUNCES
CREATION OF WAR CORPS
WASHINGTON, D.C.–
Bush proceeded by
In a Rose Garden press
outlining the goals of
conference this week,
the new group. “The
President Bush revealed
role of the organizaplans to allocate federal
tion will be twofold,”
funds to create a volunthe President explained.
teer organization known
“Members of the group
as the War Corps. Citing
will be given a weekʼs
a need for more troops
training, then issued
to protect American
assault rifles and sent
interests overseas and
in to displace local
the lack of popular supPeace Corps factions.
port for a draft, Bush
That should be a breeze
claims that the group is
– when we cut down
necessary to preserve
the trees those hippies
freedom in the face of
are hugging, theyʼll
an
“ever-strongening
probably be crushed.
Axis of Evil.” FeedThe second prong of
ing off of the crowdʼs
the mission will be to
subdue local authorienthusiasm, he continued, “As more countries
ties, paving the way
harbor terrorists, there
for the establishment
may be wheels added to
an Oasis of Freedom
Yes, America, you did just reelect this man.
the axis, then a chassis,
within hostile territory.”
and God forbid, a horn.
Bush then broke down
Soon there may be an entire SUV of evil, House reporter asked if the president knew in giggles for the next fifteen seconds over
ready to run over the Opossum of Freedom the difference between an axis and axle, the the word “prong.”
on the Road of Democracy.” Bushʼs handlers reporter was dragged off by the Secret SerOne of the programʼs earliest recruits,
immediately tasered him with cattle prods vice to a place affectionately referred to as Martin “the Compassionate Fascist” Ridgefor thinking on his own. Later, when a White “Mr. Bushʼs Wild Basement of Beatings.”
SEE WAR CORPS, PAGE 6
Race and Ethnicity Requirement to be
Replaced by “Race An Ethnicity Day”
In a landmark decision this past
Tuesday, the University of Michigan
Board of Directors decided almost
unanimously to replace the LSA “race
and ethnicity” course requirement with
the “Race An Ethnicity Day” festival.
“The idea behind the festival,”
explained Mary Sue Coleman, “is to
give students a chance to compete in
track and field events against some of
the less-represented ethnicities on our
campus. We feel that this will offer
opportunities to students that they
would never receive elsewhere. I mean,
how often do you get the chance to polevault against a Puerto Rican, to long
jump with a Lithuanian, or to throw the
javelin versus a Jamaican? Iʼll tell you:
almost as infrequently as you get to alliterate
popular track and field sports with names of
ethnic groups, thatʼs how often.”
said Harold Blumberson, member
of the Board of Directors. “Except
for the Mexicans, they all wanted to
sleep instead. Just kidding! Thatʼs
a little ethnic group humor for you
there. Iʼm allowed to do that sort of
thing because I too am a member of a
minority ethnic group and that somehow makes it acceptable. Some might
say that that sort of double standard
is actually a form a racism, and I
would reply: yes, but itʼs against white
people! So that makes it ok! White
devils!”
“Wait, where was I?” continued
Blumberson.
“Oh yes, I was talking
Hey: remember RC Pro-Am? I do.
about our race. The event, that is, not
my race. Which is Portugese, by the
The Board expects that the program will way. My race, that is, not the race. The kind
be very well received. “The minority stu- of race you run, that is, not the kind thatʼs
dents are all very excited about this event,”
SEE RACE AN ETHNICITY, PAGE 7
November 2004
INSIDE THIS ISSUE:
Classics Major
Disproportionately
Proud of That Fact
Return to Glory
for Ohio: Shakes
Indifference,
Obscurity in
Favor of Total
Worthlessness
Ban On Gay
Marriage Saves
Our Strong
Marriages, 50%
Divorce Rates
Bachelor Mouse
Brings Date
Back To His
‘Mouse Pad’
Democratic
Nominee for ‘08
Concedes to
“Let the Nation
Heal in Advance”
6,000 Year Later,
20/20 Hindsight
Still Seems
Overwhelmingly
Obvious: Don’t
Take Fruit from
Snakes
You’re Still
Fucking
Worthless, Ohio,
and Don’t Let
Anyone Tell You
Otherwise
2
Americans Welcome Back Reality
Television After Surreality of
Extended Election Coverage
Ann Arbor resident Jim Cannorati could care less who his
new president is, but after months of anxiety and anticipation heʼs ecstatic to have the election finally over.
“They kept interrupting all of my normally scheduled
programming, what with their precious debates, election
night and other coverage,” Cannorati grieved in an interview with the Every Three Weekly. “I can think of at
least four nights that had no
primetime television at all.”
Floridian mother of four
Patty Clemson agreed. “Itʼs
not even like normal nights
when I have to avoid sitcoms,
my family, and other forms
of non-reality television.
That fucking election was on
every motherfucking channel. They could have at least
called it ʻSurvivor: White
Houseʼ and made them live
on a remote south Pacific
island for three months.
Then I wouldʼve been interested, but who could possibly care what they have
to say when they arenʼt smearing themselves with feces,
eating rat and competing for a million dollars?”
That sentiment seems to have overcome a sizeable majority of the general population.
“Even worse is that neither candidate seemed to have any
stance on reality television at all,” mourned Ann Arbor
resident Lisa Phillips. “I want to know where Bush stands
on The Bachelor, and what Kerry thinks about all the other
shows that are exactly like The Bachelor. At least Nader
had that little thing where he pretended to debate the other
two. That was kinda like reality television.”
CBS executive vice president of programming, Anna
Learned, told the E3W that her office had received hun-
National News
IN THE NEWS:
Box of Ex-Girlfriend’s Belongings Reinforces
Break-Up Decision
St. Louis, MO--Last Wednesday, Dax Wilson decided to end
his long-term relationship with girlfriend Denise Shorter. The
assortment
of her items collected in his apartment only serve to
dreds of thousands of angry letters during the months prior
support
his
decision. “Denise and I had a few laughs,” reported
to the election. “Most of them were a lot like this,” she said
Wilson,
“But
this box is just like a concentrated dose of everyquoting a letter from one Abe Jerowicz of Takoma, Washthing
that
pissed
me off about her. Take this Captain Hook doll.
ington, “ʻDear CBS Fucks, First you add more 60 MinShe
had
to
have
it
in bed, right, ʻcause PeterPan was her favorite
utes and now this? Whereʼre my goddamned Big Brother
Disney
movie.
But
one night I rolled over the goddamn thing
reruns? I know PBS is taking over all of the television
and
got
the
hook
caught
in my nostril. Six hours in the waiting
channels and showing only politics; whereʼs the reality
room
of
the
ER.
The
next
day I got a D on my Spanish final. No
there? Youʼll all burn in
me
gusto,
mi
amigos.
No
me
gusto.”
hell for denying the nation
Other
objects
in
the
box
included
a copy of Henna for Dumreality television programmies,
a
water
pick,
and
a
New
Kids
on
the Block CD. “It would
ming.ʼ Thatʼs where it ends,
be
one
thing
if
she
bought
it
when
they
were still popular and
but he does sign it ʻWarmest
obsessively
hoards
things
for
decades,”
Dax
explained, “But she
Regards.ʼ ”
got
it
last
week!
Is
it
supposed
to
be
funny?
Nostalgic? I mean,
PBS confirmed that they
Christ,
if
you
can
perform
sexually
with
Hanginʼ
Tough blaring
had experienced a huge
in
the
background,
then
youʼre
a
better
man
than
I.”
Wilson consurge in correspondence as
templated
burning
the
collection
of
enraging
debris,
but worried
well, most letters accusing
that
the
button
claiming
“Smiles
are
Contagious”
might
give off
them of commandeering the
noxious
fumes.
“My
friends
tried
to
warn
me,”
said
Dax,
staring
other networks.
blankly
into
the
eyes
of
the
Hello
Kitty
night
light
which
had so
For his part, Cannorati is
recently
adorned
his
bedroom
wall,
“What
in
the
holy
hell
was
just glad to put the whole
I
thinking?”
ordeal behind him. “ I
remember this one night,
I turned on channel two,
E3W INFORMATION
expecting to find The Swan
and it was the Vice Presidential debate and I thought, ʻOh,
this is no contest, John Edwards is much better looking,
E3W reserves the right to print, re-print, and modify in part or in
with his cute dimples and all. But Cheney might appeal
whole all submissions without the permission of the author.
to the older vote. But Edwards is cuter.ʼ Back and forth I
went, the drama building all the while. But then I realized
that this wasnʼt The Swan at all and I cursed PBS. Didnʼt
For advice, email: [email protected]
even bother to check the other channels, cause if Fox, basLetters to the Editor: [email protected]
tion of quality programming, is gone, theyʼre all gone. I
For advertising info: [email protected]
swore to myself that night that PBS would pay for its crimes
against reality television, and I plan to make good on that
For all other comments, concerns
vow but not until after this episode of Wife Swap and the
and/or questions, email [email protected]
three hours of Fear Factor that follow it. Thank God, life
has returned to normal. Glory, Glory Hallelujah!”
Rockstar Games Wastes No Time on
Next Grand Theft Auto
GTA: Blatant Racial Stereotyping to Hit Stores in Less than Six Months
Hot on the heels of GTA: San Andreas, Rockstar Games represent diverse people and locations. “If it wasnʼt for
announced that it will release yet another game in the the first two games, I wouldnʼt know that all Italians love
series within the next year. GTA: Blatant Racial Ste- opera music, wear awful clothes, and canʼt swim,” said
reotyping will provide gamers with car chases, exciting LS&A sophomore Andrew Chesney. “Thanks to the
missions, and even more ways to horrifically generalize newest game, I learned that all black people smoke weed
entire races of people.
and can climb walls and fences at lightning speeds. No
“Instead of controlling one character for the entire game, wonder they get so much sex.”
youʼll switch between different characters,” said Jack
Seeking to diffuse charges of racism, Long emphaLong, a press secretary for Rockstar. “You start the game sized the gameʼs focus on multiculturalism. “Every culas Emilio Fernandez, a recently paroled drug dealer on ture is represented,” said Long. “There are drunk Indians
a quest to reestablish his place in the underworld. Youʼll to exploit, bank-owning Jews to rob, terrorist Arabs to
only be able to control Emilio for three hours each game shoot, sheep-fucking Scots to envy, Africans with AIDS
day, however, because just like in real life, Hispanics in to ignore, good, old fashioned, American wife-beating
video games are lazy, too.”
rednecks to elect and Japanese people with tiny penises
Michigan students touted the seriesʼ ability to to mock incessantly.
First 3 copies free. Additional copies $1000000
DISCLAIMER
The Every Three Weekly is a satirical newspaper and is not intended for
readers under the age of 18 years. The Every Three Weekly uses invented
names in its stories except in cases where public figures and prominent
University members are being satirized. Any other use of real names is
accidental and coincidental. The stories and opinions within the Every Three
Weekly are not necessarily the views of its sponsors, UAC, or the University
of Michigan.
The content of this paper is Copyright © 2004 by the Every Three Weekly
and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the
express written consent of the author.
All previously copyrighted creations in this publication are copyrighted to
the creators
Campus News
CAMPUS NEWS:
E3W Headline Laughed At, Article Skimmed
It has been reported that U of M student and Every Three
Weekly reader Jill Camine laughed at a headline in the last issue
of this paper, but failed to read the article in its entirety, opting
instead to merely skim it. Camine had picked up a copy of the
paper in Angell Hall and read the headline while in the fishbowl,
but instead of going on to finishing the article, she surfed the
web.
“I asked if she read the article that I pointed out, and she said she
didnʼt, she just chuckled at the headline,” said friend Nate Gamble.
“Needless to say, I was shocked. How could you not read the Every
Three Weekly from cover to cover, let alone fail to proceed to
read an article after reading one of the many hilarious headlines. I
just donʼt think that I can be friends with someone like that. That
goes for anyone who fails to read this article, or any other article
in any issue of this paper, to the very last sentence.”
Camine had her own reasons for not finishing the article,
though. “Thereʼs been a lot of cock in the past few issues this
semester,” she commented. “Donʼt get me wrong, I like cock.
Who doesnʼt, besides Dick Cheneyʼs daughter? But thereʼs a picture of it on every page, and every other story is about some weird
cock related malfunction, itʼs just too much.”
Victoria’s Secret to Sponsor President’s Mansion
Campus Republicans Celebrate
With Massive Khaki Pressing,
Charcoal Heart Barbeque
3
The election past them and Bush looking forward to a heart to grill hamburgers, “at least we care enough to vote.
second term of instilling the country with “moral values,” Excuse me, hey Charles, my coal is going out, get some
U of M campus Republicans celebrated today with a large more hundreds and Toys for Tots to use as kindling.”
scale pants
I
n
pressing.
response,
“You know
campus libhow we do
erals everyit,”
group
where
put
president
down their
and B-school
bongs
and
junior Chaz
muted The
Palmer said,
Daily Show
motioning to
long enough
the enormous
to tell the
expanse of
Every Three
tidy, white
Weekly that
men
pressthey
were
ing
khaki
“outraged, but
pants.
“I
not enough
mean, ironed.
to
regret
Ironed is how
not voting.”
we do it,” he
They promMmm. . . moral rectitude. . .
then
said,
ised to spend
clarifying.
the next few
With the pants situation in order, the Republicans years bitching about their situation until 2008—though
moved onto a victory barbeque. “Say what you will about they still hold out hope that, by then, someone will do
us,” Palmer said, using the ember of his ignited charcoal something.
Just days after rejecting SBCʼs multimillion-dollar bid to sponsor the Michigan-Ohio State football game, University President
Mary Sue Coleman announced Tuesday that she signed a two-year
deal with Victoriaʼs Secret, yielding the lingerie retailer naming
rights to the Presidentʼs Mansion in exchange for $2 million and
300 pairs of crotchless panties.
According to Coleman, the money will be used to create a
womenʼs scholarship while the panties will be used to entice her
husband into performing the-act-of-which-we-do-not-speak, also
known as “shin-se shen-se” or “ankle in anus.”
“This endorsement will support the women of this university in
a way that only Victoriaʼs Secret can, uplifting their bodies and
minds to allow for virtually unlimited growth,” said Coleman.
“Especially when combined with their eagerness to learn or three
hundred pairs of crotchless panties.”
Added Coleman: “Which reminds me, whereʼd my Kenneth run “Itʼs amazing here,” says Gary Cooper of the Ann Arbor my DVD player. I still havenʼt tried to explain Judaism
campus. “You guys have all these buildings and people. yet, cause Iʼm afraid his head will explode. You kind
off too? Mary Sue needs to be taught a lesson. By a foot.”
Wait, whatʼs that?” Gary then exclaimed, pointing to a of have to treat him like a baby, or a dog that grew up
streetlight for the fifth time during our brief interview. in a cave somewhere and wonʼt shut the fuck up about
Once again, I remind him that it is a streetlight, used to how great running water is. I hate those fucking talking
light the streets at night. Naturally there is the requisite dogs.”
Hearing this, Cooper vibrantly remarked, “It just comes
re-explanation of streets and cars. Gary can only mutter
The Every Three Weekly
the word “unbelievable” repeatedly as we walk, his out of that metal snout!”
Loewenstein fears Cooperʼs Upper Peninsula upbringmouth agape in awe. Dusk is setting and we are forced to
sit for several minutes as he regains his composure from ing is inhibiting his social interaction. “Heʼs not really
Is in UAC with the
the streetlights being turned on. Finally, his breathing doing the whole college freshman thing, meeting people
having returned to normal, he speaks.
and going to parties and all that. In fact, heʼs scared of
Michigan Pops Orchestra
“At my house, we only have one horse and thereʼs no going out after dark.”
barn, so the horse and I have to share a mattress on the
Cooper confirmed this.
floor and the horse kicks in his sleep. If the horse dies
“Itʼs not that I donʼt want to go out and meet people, itʼs
Which plays Mozart
during the night, itʼs a dayʼs walk into town to buy a new just that I donʼt want to run the risk of being eaten by a
one, plus shoeing and handling. Get it? Shoeing and bear. Both my brothers died that way, and my mother
handling! But I still canʼt believe you guys have things is missing both legs and an arm. Although that really
Who, in the movie Amadeus,
that light up the night! We learned about electricity in my has very little to do with bears, and more to do with my
was played by Tom Hulce
one-room schoolhouse, but I never thought Iʼd live to see fatherʼs DIY Chainsaw Juggling course.”
that crazy idea have any practical application!”
Itʼs getting darker on our walk as a nervous Cooper
According to his roommate, fellow freshman and New speaks of the bears. I explain to him that Ann Arborʼs
Who was in Animal House
York resident Josh Loewenstein, Cooperʼs vocal amazement urban development has long since killed or driven off any
has been ceaseless throughout his first two months here.
bears that were once here.
with Kevin Bacon!
“Itʼs not like heʼs retarded, you know? Thatʼs what I
“Itʼs like Iʼve died and gone to heaven,” he says quietly.
thought when I first met him. Heʼs an ok guy, but he just “This must be what heaven is like. Except heaven would
doesnʼt understand. He keeps trying to put coasters into have pasties. Fucking trolls.”
U.P. Freshman Amazed by Electricity,
Civilization, Lack of Bear-Related Deaths
Letters to the Editor
4
Letters to the Editor
From: [email protected]
Subject: thoughts of a previous
article
Hello U of M newspaper staff.
I am not a student of U of M, I am a freshman at
Mississippi University for Women, but I was curious
about the university and decided to do some research
on the school. I have been a fan of Michigan for quite
some time now, and was excited to get some details of
the campus. To my surprise I came across an article
published in the newspaper by the title “Michael
Phelps is a Choke Artist Who I Could Totally Beat at
Everything”. This article was obviously written by an
ignorant person, totally deprived of being reared with
manners. A person is completely entitled to have his
or her own opinion, but to publish such crude remarks
about a person they donʼt even know is ridiculous. I also
find it appalling to think that the university allowed for
this to happen. In my opinion, I think Phelps represented the U.S. with charm and dignity. No action of
his was selfish. To think that an ignorant ass would
compare his lack of ambition (beer chugging talents)
to someone who has dedicated themselves and talent to
represent our country is insane. Lets be a little realistic.
Beer chugging will never be an Olympic event, sorry to
burst your bubble! To publically call someone a “cunt”
is uncalled for. This article goes to show that assholes,
like the writer of that article, have nothing better to do
with their waste of a life then to tare down on people
who have gone on to accomplish great things. I can just
picture the bitterness that person holds inside, to think
that someone else could do bigger and better things.
SHOCKING!! I do not know Michael Phelps personally, but as a swimmer I appreciate his TALENT, and
the representation he made for the U.S. Next time you
publish an article, try filtering such fulger language,
and keep the ignorant opinions to a minimum (people
donʼt like to read it) Keep up the great work Michael,
your life obviously has more meaning than someone
elseʼs! I totally donʼt mean to be rude, just thought I
needed to address the obvious! Thank you for your
time!! Have a wonderful day!
Holy mother of God. You actually think weʼre a real
paper. Iʼm speechless. So, let us respond in a different
way:
article, the article about Floridaʼs ass-raping, and even
Michael Phelps have all made appearances in your first
two issues. Allow me to quote the September issue by
asking, “Where the Big Titty Bitches At?” There was
even that emotionally moving piece, “Itʼs You, Michigan Gay Lumberjacks.” Are you trying to make a statement this year? Not that thereʼs anything wrong with
being gay, of course, but canʼt you cater your paper to
the minority heterosexual male populous on campus as
well as serve your ulterior motives?
staff
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Megan Ganz
Respectfully,
David Kornfield
But making homophobes uncomfortable IS our ulterior motive. Either that or we just like spending the Universityʼs money to publish a paper that only serves to
mock it and put pictures of cockrings on the front page.
From: Jeff <jfi[email protected]>
Subject: Michael Phelps
From: David Kornfield <dlkornf@umich.
edu>
Subject: Itʼs 4am and Iʼm bored
I will be outraged if I donʼt see a thank you letter
from Michael Phelps in the next issue of the E3W. If it
wasnʼt for you guys, his name would already be forgotten along with the rest of the olympians like that hot
gymnist who made the other one cry. That was funny.
Anyway, when is spandex going to go back in style? I
have a whole wardrobe and no occasion to wear it.
- Jeff
E3W,
In my three years at U of M, I have found your publication to be the best study break on campus (next to
binge drinking and sorori-whores). But the aesthetic
quality of the E3W has plummeted. What is with all the
semi-nude pictures of men this year? The male stripper
Since when does a 9 A.M. P- Chem lecture not count
as an “occasion”? Sadly, we have not as of yet received
a letter from Mr. Phelps, which leads me to conclude
that he is not only an embarrassment to the country, but
also illiterate.
Get Your Vibrator Ready, Candy,
The O’Reilly Factor is Almost On!
By Summer Bannon
Oh my god, Candy, how could we have forgotten? I shouldʼve known
by the warm tingling sensation in my crotch that it was almost that
time: 8 p.m. eastern on a weekday! Lube up the vibrators, Candy,
Mr. Masturbatory Fodder himself is almost on. Jesus, heʼs so
sexy. His receding hairline and loose jowls are so hot; I just want to
fuck him so hard. Iʼd let him give me the OʼReilly factor any time he
wanted to. His wife is such a lucky woman. I bet she doesnʼt even
need the vibrator that he bragged to a subordinate coworker about her
having. In fact, I bet his cock is so gargantuan that she doesnʼt
even notice his misogyny, subjugation, or the fact that heʼs been
trying to fuck his producers. Oh, thank God we and every
other woman in world have vibrators, though. Oh, itʼs
starting! This one, as with every other one, is for
you Bill.
ASSOCIATE EDITORS
Charley Crissman
Joe Ferrentino
Ben Stein
Nathan Sterken
LAYOUT/DESIGN EDITOR
Jeff Nover
Bill Couch
ONLINE EDITOR
Dave Miller
STAFF WRITERS
Steve Lake
Chris Kammerer, Jake Meyer, Julia
Nachman, Joseph Raisanen, Anthony
Ristow, Lisa Wood, Joyce Wu,
Courtney Young, Casey Curtis,
Paul Feinstein, Jeremy Fogel,
Yael Granader, David Guzman,
John P. Norris, Joseph Ruple,
Justin Wynn
FEATURED WRITERS
Eric Jackson, Lauren Kantar,
Gabriel Kloet, Kel Powers, Mat OʼDay,
Jesse Singal, Brian Zapf
ARTS STAFF
Jeremy Bronson,
Rachel Bullock, James Rocker
EDITORS EMERITI
Rich Cantley, Mike Chu, Brian Cook,
Carl P. Grant, Paul Malewitz,
Amol Parulekar, Claire Stano
Features & Editorials
04
5
ELECTION DAY
TIMELINE
THE EVERY THREE WEEKLY
Editor’s Note: Yes. We’re aware that Election Day has passed by the time you are reading this. But this article was
written beforehand. Two weeks ago. Yeah, that’s right. If you don’t believe me, you can look at this picture I took of
myself writing it, where I’m wearing a “November 2” t-shirt. Wearing that on Nov. 3 would be about as hip as getting
tested for HIV—so 1994 I could die. In the meantime, take a look at our Election Day predictions, and have fun
comparing them to what really happened.*
5:28 PM: Christian votes for Kerry, polling station inundated with
frogs and locusts.
6:45 AM: Fox News calls it for Bush.
7:00 AM: First poll locations open, welcoming with open arms every
last American to cast his or her ballot. As long as he or she is from
an acceptable state. On the East Coast. And has never committed
a crime, such as being black in Florida or menstruating.
9:33 AM: In a last ditch effort to gain votes, George W. Bush pulls
Osama bin Laden out of a hat. To counter, John Kerry shoots a
gay.
10:15 AM: John Kerry casts his vote for Fantasia Barrino.
11:03 AM: Alex Rodriguez attempts to stop Red Sox pitcher Bronson
Arroyo from voting by effeminately slapping the ballot out of his
glove hand.
11:30 AM: Michigan football coach Lloyd Carr describes importance
of presidential election as “tremendous.”
11:45 AM: Dick Cheney casts his ballot from an undisclosed
location.
8:00 PM: CBS’ Dan Rather declares everybody a loser,
with 15% of precincts reporting.
8:45 PM: Millions decide to forego voting to watch
rerun of ABC’s Desperate Housewives.
8:56 PM: Lloyd Carr describes social security
reform, Aquafresh toothpaste, and David Baas’ tits
as “tremendous.”
8:58 P.M. – Bad joke goes horribly wrong when low
voter turnout forces Electoral College of Delaware to
cast votes for actor Bronson Pinchot based on six high
school seniors’ write in nomination of “Balki.”
Larry takes California. Ralph Nader vows
to star in ‘80s sitcom.
9:00 PM: George W. Bush decides
to forego voting to watch rerun of
Desperate Housewives.
12:00 PM: LUNCH
12:30 PM: Due to confusing ballot format, thousands of Russian
nobles accidentally cast a vote for Stalin.
1:11 PM: America collectively questions how Lindsay Lohan could
date Fez from That 70’s Show.
1:34 P.M. – Unemployed Ohioans outsource their votes to Pakistani
citizens.
1:37 PM: Teenagers are disappointed when they learn that they
cannot vote by sending a text message using their Verizon wireless
phone.
2:34 PM: John Edwards and his fat wife vote Democrat.
2:39 PM:
Lloyd Carr describes his voting experience as
“tremendous.”
2:42 P.M. – Bush twins masturbated to.
2:45 P.M. – Same.
3:00 P.M. (Falluja Local Time) – US Infantry soldier is shot in the
spine by friendly fire, uses dying strength to cast vote for Bush
Cheney by carving names into his chest.
3:27 PM: Louie
Darwinism.
5:30 PM: Lull in timeline due to author’s apathy.
Anderson’s
existence
continues
to
defy
4:00 PM: SIESTA
4:19 P.M. – Polling locations mysteriously close for a couple of
minutes in Alaska, Montana, Oregon.
5:25 PM: Sean “P. Diddy” Combs kills nearly one-third of the
US population after they fail to comply with his ‘Vote or Die’
mandate.
9:14 P.M. – The suspense
becomes too great. James
Carvel snaps, reveals that he is
from the core of Neptune and
feasts on the still-living Tucker
Carlson.
9:29 P.M. – Record number
of Republican votes by gays
inspires Bush to use next
three months pushing for
constitutional amendment
banning marriage between
Democrats.
10:00 PM: Polls close.
Election is too close to call.
Losing candidate appeals
to
Supreme
Court.
Nation embroiled in
weeks-long electoral
conflict.
Economy
plummets. Nihilism
rules.
Somehow,
Scott Baio rises to
power, ruling with an
iron fist until his death in
2043 from a severe
case of athlete’s
foot.
8:00
AM,
November 3:
Polls open to
black voters in
Florida.
*Note: This timeline is void should the Red Sox win the
World Series, in which case we will be in a state of postapocalyptic ruin. And you won’t be reading this.
6
An E3W Guide to Maintaining
Civility at Thanksgiving Dinner:
- If you must fuck the turkey, do
so before it is cooked for obvious
sanitary reasons.
- Keep malicious comments to
yourself. Instead
of, “Mom, will you
pass the peas, you
overbearing bitch?”
try, “Mom, will you
pass the peas?” while
spelling “Overbearing
Bitch” with the
mashed potatoes on
your plate.
- Remain calm if
one of the dishes is
unpalatable. Model
yourself after the
ultimate eloquence of
the British and quietly
have your mother
executed after the
meal.
the
- When asked why you yet again do not have
a girlfriend/boyfriend to bring home, tell
your parents that you’re sorry, but you do
have several illegitimate grandchildren
dying to meet them.
- Make mom feel
special for all of
her hard work:
Use the fancy T.V.
trays and let her
hold the remote,
(obviously, only
after taking the
batteries out.)
Special E3W Holiday Section
from
WAR CORPS,
p.1
way, was introduced as a shining example of the programʼs
potential. “I would encourage everyone to join up,” offered
Ridgeway. “You go from flipping burgers to seeing the world,
and whatʼs better, every insurgent that you pop counts as a tax
write-off. My buddy Duane and I were deployed to a tumultuous area of the Philippines, and baby, I donʼt mind tellinʼ ya
we whooped some ass! We ruled that parking lot and adjacent Taco Bell with an iron fist. The only downside was when
Duane fashioned a crude snare out of the exit strategy manual
to try to catch this monkey that stole his binoculars and well
– long story short, the UN is asking a lot of questions about war
crimes. Goddamn monkey.”
As a volunteer organization, the Corps will even be immune
to some of the peskier aspects of the Geneva Convention. The
President alluded to this fact, winking at the crown and promising, “There will never be another Abu Ghraib – from now on,
glowsticks up the ass are not only permitted, but encouraged.”
- Thanksgiving
is exactly like
Prison: kick
someone’s ass
in the first ten
minutes or
you’ll wind
up a bitch for
the rest of the
meal.
story of halloween
A lot of people have been asking me lately, “Mike, whatʼs could scrounge up on the essentials: food, water, and Batman
the true story of Halloween?” To these people, I usually collectible action figures. The few times he could manage
reply: my name isnʼt Mike. But these questions did get me to afford his precious candy, he would dash to the store as
thinking: what is the true story of Halloween? Thatʼs why quickly as possible in a manner that would probably evoke
I, your trusty reporter whose name is not Mike, decided to copyright lawsuits from Roald Dahl if I were to continue
do a little fact-finding in my very own cellar. I didnʼt find describing it. But, in general, Not Mike had to go without.
Then, one day, Not Mike had a fantastic idea. He went home
anything, because I donʼt have a cellar, and even if I did that
would be a stupid-ass place to keep the true story of Hallow- and cut two holes in his one white bed sheet. This turned
een. No, the true story of Halloween
out not to be such a good idea,
as it just made his tiny bed even
is something I found deep within my
more uncomfortable. Then Not
own heart when I was drunk out of my
gourd (little Halloween pun for you
Mike had another inspiration; he
dashed to his closet and donned
there!) last Tuesday. It begins somehis beloved Batman costume
thing like this:
and began to walk through the
A long time ago, way before any
town, begging for Reeseʼs Pieces
of this touchy-feely Christians and
at each house with his famous
Pagans bullshit, there lived a simple
phrase, so beautifully captured
man in a simple house in a town not
far from here. This man (whose name,
in the words of William Shakecoincidentally, was also not Mike),
speare: “To trick or to treat, that
loved one thing and only one thing:
is the question. Whether thou
candy. Of course, in those days, candy
should smell mine feet or bestow
was a much simpler thing. They didnʼt
unto me a tasty morsel, and in
have Milky Way bars or Tootsie Roll
doing so, prevent my pulling
Pops or those disgusting toffee candies
down thine underpants.” This
wrapped in black and orange waxed
so annoyed the townspeople that,
Not Mike
paper that the senile old woman on
on that sad October 30th, Not
my block gives out every year. No,
Mike was brutally slaughtered
in that day candy came in only one variety, and that variety by an angry mob and his body was left in the town square to
was Reeseʼs Pieces, which have been around since the dawn rot. But his memory lives on today in the hearts of all chilof time. Seriously, the original manuscripts for the Iliad had dren and in the pile of dead beggars I have in my backyard.
And that, my friends, is where babies come from. No, wait,
little black, yellow, and orange stains all over them because
thatʼs where Halloween comes from. Actually, Iʼve changed
Homer was such a fiend for the Pieces.
Now, Not Mike was not a rich man. Not Mike was poor. my mind. Halloween and babies both come from the same
He was poor in much the same way that Bill Gates isnʼt. As place. And that place is rainbows. Donʼt ask me how; itʼs a
such, Not Mike was forced to spend what little money he mystery to man and science.
powdered toast man!
[email protected]
Yet Another Page Of Stuff!
POINT-
LESS CONVINCING REEMPHASIS OF
POINT
Q: IS THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE STILL IMPORTANT IN TODAY’S
POLITICAL ENVIRONMENT?
POINT LESS CONVINCING
Reginald V. Johnson, Professor REEMPHASIS OF POINT
of Political Science, University Ja Rule, Rapper
of Chicago
Holla!
As we saw in the electoral conflict of
2000, the electoral college plays a very significant role in modern politics. By awarding the presidency based on the votes of each individual state as
opposed to the votes of the aggregate public, we have
disenfranchised a significant amount of would-be
voters. For example, a Republican voter in California, a steadfast Democratic stronghold, may view his
or her participation in the election as unimportant.
Another weakness of the current system is
that candidates tend to focus their campaign
efforts primarily in “swing states” such as Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. As a result, the
needs of larger but more partisan states, such
as New York and Texas, may be overlooked in
order to curry favor and gain electoral votes.
By instituting election via a popular vote,
we could help ensure that the candidates and
their parties pay sufficient attention to the
concerns of all citizens in all states. The
use of the Electoral College system is a process that has become both antiquated and
inefficient in our modern political climate.
from
ETHNICITY
,p.1
the color of your skin. Look, what Iʼm trying to say is,
this is a great idea and anyone who protests it is either a
racist or white, which are basically the same thing. Thatʼs
why we made the ʻrace and ethnicityʼ requirement in the
first place; you bastards are all inherently racist and you
need to be fixed. But, seeing as that hasnʼt worked, weʼve
decided to scrap the whole thing and play some sports. At
least we know you white folk wonʼt be winning the high
jump.”
Student reactions thus far have been very positive, since
this change significantly simplifies the labyrinthine LSA
graduation requirements. “Iʼm pretty stoked,” said Brett
Donners, an LSA history major who happens to be white,
“since this change means I can take only twelve credits this
semester. I think Iʼm going to use the extra time to sit in my
room and contemplate how much I hate black people, which
is what I spend most of my spare time doing anyway.”
Some students, however, were not entirely in favor of the
change. “Iʼm still going to take ʻAsians in American Film
and Television,ʼ” said Walter Brown, an LS&A sophomore
majoring in Japanese. “Actually, Iʼve basically already
taken that course if you count the ridiculous amount of
anime that I spend all my time watching. Do you want
to see my bento box? Itʼs pinku. Thatʼs Japanese for pink,
whereas ʻcartoon pornographyʼ is Walter for ʻawesome.ʼ”
“The festival will take place on the 8th of December,”
said Coleman. “Attendance is mandatory unless youʼre
Jewish, in which case you probably have some ridiculous
holiday with seven hʼs in the name.”
THE MICHIGAN
POSTMODERN
HUMORIST
THIS WEEKʼS POLITICAL CARTOON:
“Laugh Out Loud Hilarious!”
-U of M German Club