Memory Making PP Handouts - The 20th Biennial International

Transcription

Helping Families
Create
Keepsakes when
a Baby Dies Presented by Rose Carlson, BS and
Cathi Lammert, RN National Share
Our Goals for this
Workshop
•  Suggestions for ways to help those who were not given
memory making opportunities at the time of their loss
create some tangible mementos.
•  Ideas for including memory making into the setting of a
support group or other group gathering
Our Goals for this
Workshop
•  Discuss the history of perinatal loss memory making from
many years ago until today.
•  Familiarize you with the rights of parents and how those
rights relate to memory making.
•  Show you Ideas for memory making at the time of the loss
that go above and beyond what is typically done
•  How to use what you learn about each family and baby
to create unique mementos.
•  How to involve grandparents and siblings in memory
making
•  Give you ideas for ways parents can incorporate memory
making into their lives for years to come
Memory Making
Standards of Care
Prior to the
1970s
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No mementos given
Beginnings of the
Perinatal Loss Movement
Beginnings of the
Perinatal Loss
Movement
Parent voices
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Beginnings of the Perinatal
Loss Movement
Perinatal Loss MovementMemory Making Began
•  Formation of perinatal bereavement programs
•  National programs- Resolve Through Sharing
Bereavement Services, Pen Parents, AMEND
•  Localized bereavement programs
•  Development of foundations for specific causes
•  Changes in protocols and policies
UPDATE THIS PICTURE WITH NEW STUFF! Rights of Parents/
Today’s Literature
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Rights of Parents/Today’s
Literature
Today’s Literature
•  Today’s standard practices
• 
Keepsakes are generally considered helpful
(Callister, 2006; Chan, et al., 2008; Hochberg, 2011; Hutti, 2005;
Lamb, 1992; Limbo & Kobler, 2010)
•  Bereaved parents often feel a strong sense of
connection to objects that remind them of their
baby
•  Memory making activities can help families weave
the baby into the fabric of their lives
•  Not being offered memory making opportunities
can have a detrimental affect on healing.
•  Mothers who do not spend as much time as they
want to with their baby experience a seven-time
greater risk of developing depression (Limbo and Kobler,
2010).
Literature
•  Lancet Hughes Study--Mothers Should Not Be Forced
to View, Hold Stillborn Babies (Turton & Hughes, 2008)
•  PTSD in subsequent pregnancy after holding stillborn
baby
•  Led to procedural banning and sparked controversy
•  Questions widespread practices lacking empirical
explanation
Literature
Led to International position statements:
•  Infection Risks are Insignificant (2005)
•  Delaying Post-Mortem Pathology Studies (2006)
•  Bereaved Parents Holding their Baby (2008)
•  Offering the Baby to Bereaved Parents (2008)
All position statements can be viewed and downloaded at http://
www.plida.org/position-statements/
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Rights of Parents when a
Baby Dies
“The term ‘rights’ is not used as a mandate for the
bereaved, or as a militant statement of demands. It
is an affirmation for parents who wish to be involved
with their baby, to make decisions based on
informed consent, and to assume the parenting role
in meaningful ways despite the tragic circumstances.
Every minute is significant, every decision important
for the future peace and healing of these parents.
Many, however, are afraid to request anything our
society might consider morbid, unusual, or weird. This
document serves as a guideline to the possibilities
and options available to parents and gives them
‘permission’ to follow their parenting instincts within
the limits of state, local, and hospital policies.”
Sr. Jane Marie Lamb, OSF
Baby Dies
•  To name their child and bond with him or her.
•  To observe cultural and religious practices.
•  To be cared for by an empathetic staff who
will respect their feelings, thoughts, beliefs and
individual requests.
•  To be with each other throughout
hospitalization as much as possible.
•  To be given time alone with their baby,
allowing for individual needs.
•  To be informed of the grieving process.
Baby Dies
•  To be given the opportunity to see, hold, touch,
and bathe their baby at any time before and/ or
after death within reason.
•  To have photographs of their baby taken and
made available to the parents or held in a secure
place until the parents wish to see them.
•  To be given as many mementos as possible, e.g.,
crib card, baby beads, ultrasound and / or other
photos, lock of hair, baby clothing and blankets,
feet and hand prints and/or permanent molds and
record of weight and length.
Baby Dies
•  To be given the option of donating their baby's
cartilage, tissue and/or organs for transplant or
donating the baby's body to science.
•  To request an autopsy. In the case of
miscarriage, to request to have or not have an
autopsy or pathology exam as determined by
applicable law.
•  To have information presented in terminology
understandable to the parents regarding their
baby's status and cause of death, including
autopsy and pathology reports and medical
records.
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Baby Dies
•  To plan a farewell ritual, burial or cremation in
compliance with local and state regulations
and according to their personal beliefs,
religious or cultural tradition.
•  To be provided with information on support
resources which assist in the healing process,
e.g., local support groups, perinatal loss
internet support, counseling, reading material
and perinatal loss newsletters.
Pendulum swing
Copyright © 1991 Adapted by Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Support, Inc., with permission from Women’s College Hospital,
Perinatal Bereavement Team, Toronto Ontario Canada.
Updated July 2006.
Rights of Parents
Choices?
Mandates?
Standards?
Rights of Parents--Building a
Relationship
•  Introductions •  Safe environment •  Ask open ended, indirect questions (“what are your thoughts about____?”) •  Ask them to share about their baby and their hopes and dreams for the baby •  Find out their cultural/religious traditions •  Learn what the pregnancy/baby has meant to the family 6
Rights of Parents--Building a
Relationship
•  Not a “cookbook” approach
•  Remember, you are presenting choices, not
mandates
•  Use what you learn to create unique mementos
Rights of Parents-Presenting
Choices
Photograph
memory making
activities
•  While today, many caregivers are adept at
providing memory making opportunities to
parents, some are uncomfortable as to the
best ways to approach grieving parents
•  Gentle encouragement/loving guidance
•  Be sensitive to their concerns—respect their
decisions
•  It’s okay if parents do not want to participate
in memory making rituals—don’t pressure
them!
•  Explain opportunities for various means of
creating mementos.
•  Revisit choices and reflect back—parents may
change their minds
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Rights of Parents-Presenting
Choices
•  “Model” for the family how to interact with the
baby and address their fears—they are likely
worried about how the baby will look
•  Make sure not to put your expectations onto
the parents—every family is different
•  Keep a rolling cart or other container of
supplies that can be brought into the room.
Leave it with the parents.
Including
Grandparents in
Memory Making
Memory Making:
Grandparents
Memory Making:
Grandparents
Including grandparents can be helpful and
important to the entire family
•  Can help them see the baby as a very real, missing, and most of all, very loved member of the family •  They may be less “judgmental” of the ways parents choose to memorialize and honor their baby. (ie…
displaying photographs, etc.) •  Can help them learn effective ways of supporting their grieving child •  Bereaved parents may find comfort in watching the baby’s grandparents hold and care for the baby (O’Leary, Warland and Parker, 2011; Roose & Blanford, 2011) •  Helps them understand what the parents are
going through when they watch the parents
hold and care for the baby
•  Grandparents who are involved in memory
making activities may then appreciate that
these types of losses are handled much
differently than they once were
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Memory Making:
Grandparents
•  Always make sure it is okay with the parents!
•  Offer hand/foot prints and/or molds
•  Photographs with grandparents holding the
baby
•  Inquire about the grandparents hopes and
dreams for their grandbaby, what the baby
meant to them, to create unique mementos
for them as well
Involving Grandparents in
Memory-Making Activities
•  Parents may be too overwhelmed to think
about the grandparents being involved, so
suggest and ask (“some people want______.
How does this feel to you?”) Both the parents
and grandparents may be glad you thought
to ask.
•  Grandparents who interact with the baby
often find ways to “give back”--grandparent
quilts, grandfather making caskets
“I enjoy making baby quilts and find this is a
special way to remember Audrey.”
Grandparent Mementos
~Connie, a bereaved grandmother
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Rights of Children when a
Sibling Dies
Involving Siblings in
Memory Making
•  To be acknowledged as individuals who have
feelings that need to be expressed.
•  To be given the choice to see and hold our
sibling before and after the death within
reason.
•  To be considered in the choices parents are
given, we may have opinions on such things as
plans for funeral, baby's name, etc.
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Rights of Children when a
Sibling Dies
•  To be informed about the feelings of grief in
our terms, giving us the choice of a support
group or counselor.
•  To be recognized by our society that we will
always love and miss our sibling.
The death of a baby can have a profound
impact on children, who are often called the
forgotten grievers (Neimeyer, Harris, Winokuer & Thornton,
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Memory Making: Siblings
Parents may question whether or not their
children should see, hold and interact with the
baby, but research suggests that children
benefit greatly from participating in rituals and
creating mementos (Avelin, Erlandsson, Hildingsson &
Participating in memory making activities
and rituals enables children to bond with
their baby brother or sister
Will help keep the baby “life like” in their
memory (Limbo & Kobler, 2010; Roose &
Blanford, 2011)
Children may “create” a vision in their mind
of their baby sibling that is not accurate if
they are not able to see the baby
• 
• 
Radestad, 20011; O’Leary & Gaziano, 2011; Packman, Horsley,
Davies & Kramer, 2007; Roose & Blanford, 2011) • 
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Ways children can be involved in
memory-making:
Set of handprints/footprints next to the baby’s and/or
parents (this can be done if the parents don’t want
their child/ren to see the baby as well)
• Help design a birth announcement
• Decorate a journal and use it to write letters to the
baby and/or draw pictures
• Create their own scrapbook or small photo album
• 
• 
• 
Design and make a garden stepping stone or other garden item Make a memory box to store cards and other special treasures 11
Photograph
children involved
in memory making
activities
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• 
• 
• 
Make or purchase a special piece of
jewelry
Help parents design and plant a memorial
garden
Write a poem to read at the funeral
This poem was framed and displayed at Maria’s memorial service.
The first moment we heard of you,
you were loved from the start
by ev'ryone around you.
You were a sweet creation of God, and He gave you a family to live in.
How anyone could love you more, I just can't imagine.
You were a light, an example, changing your whole family.
We saw you and thought, “She will live very happily.”
You had brothers galore, sisters and parents who loved you.
You had uncles, aunts, and cousins, and grandparents, too.
Yet, you were called to God. He wanted His sweet creation with Him.
You are with Jesus now. You are in Heaven with Him.
We all mourn you. We wanted you to stay.
But if God wants you more, how could we keep you away?
God, take care of her please, in Your warm embrace.
We know she delights in you, seeing Your wonderful face.
Maria, we miss you dearly. We still love you in ev'ry way.
We will see you again soon up there in Heaven someday.
~Carolina, age 13
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• 
If children are too young to participate, let
the parents know that it is okay to wait until
the kids are older/more able to handle
seeing mementos to share them. However,
encourage them to share some things from
the beginning so that it feels natural to talk
about the baby.
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• 
• 
• 
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Children can be encouraged to draw and
create things at home in memory of the
baby as children usually enjoy this.
Finding something to include the children in
can be very healing and helpful for the kids.
It can also be healing for the parents to
watch their kids engage in an activity in
memory of the baby.
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•  It can be beneficial and comforting for
children to attend the funeral or memorial
service, and parents generally find it a positive
experience. (Erlandsson, et. al., 2010)
•  The creativity and sensitivity of children can
add a richness to rituals (Limbo & Kobler, 2013)
•  Children who are not included in goodbye
rituals may end up feeling more confused
about what has happened. (Roose & Blanford, 2011)
Gifts for our brother
It was decided that Aaron, Lauren, and Josh would
each give their baby brother a special gift--something
special or unique to each of them. After much thought,
they each had a gift picked out. Aaron gave a mini
soccer ball. Soccer was something Aaron had dreamed
about playing with Clayton as he got older. It would be
something Aaron would miss teaching Clayton. Lauren
added a swimsuit. Not a racing suit but a stylish Old Navy
suit. Lauren would miss teaching her little brother all she
knew about swimming. She would also miss dressing him
up in all of the adorable outfits she had helped to shop for.
Josh gave a pillow. He had made it especially for Clayton
even before we knew that he was a boy. We had started
cross stitching the quilt for our baby and in true Josh form,
he decided he would make something all by himself. His
originally designed pillow would become his special gift.
All three of their gifts would be a symbol of all of our hopes
and dreams that we all buried that day.
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A CASKET FOR THOR
“Josh is the collector of the family. He always
has shells, rocks, or something in his pockets. All
are special treasures to him. Josh decided to
send Clayton off with his lucky marble. He first
rubbed his marble on Clayton's hand. Josh
decided that was not good enough and at the
last minute carefully put the marble in Clayton’s
hand. To some it may just be a marble. To us it
was a loving and unselfish gift.”
~Deb, bereaved mom of Clayton and 3 living children
“We bought a plain pine casket (ordered from
an orthodox Jewish supplier by our nondenominational funeral home director), and
then we finished it ourselves using an oil we
bought at the hardware store. We found it to
be a real labor of love, as if we were preparing
the room in which Thor would rest with our own
hands – which is exactly what we were doing.
Since I have a 17-year-old (then 16) who’s a
wonderful painter, we asked him to paint the
lid, and he painted a very peaceful and
moving picture of a baby still in the womb. This
became our way of giving some of Josh’s art
to Thor to take with him. This last part might not
be for everyone, but I can imagine that having
some role in preparing the casket could be
healing for a lot of people. We made photos
of the lid and used them for the thank-you
cards to send to the people who made meals,
donations, etc.”
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Ongoing Memory Making for
Siblings
“Maria Grace Lumetta was
stillborn on December 19,
2011. The loss of our precious
Maria was felt by not only my
husband and I, but also by
the 8 siblings she left behind. Our children mourned in
various ways. Some drew
pictures. Some wrote letters. One daughter crocheted
identical blankets ~ one in
which I held Maria at the
hospital and now keep in a
special place, and one that
was wrapped around Maria
before she was placed in the
casket.”
Encourage children to have their own special
rituals each year on the baby’s birthday,
death day, holidays and other special days.
(balloon releases, bake a cake, participate in
random acts of kindness, pick a child from an
angel tree at Christmas, choose something in
memory of the baby on family outings and
vacations)
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Ongoing Memory Making for
Siblings
“We just want
them to feel
comfortable
talking about
him.”
Visit public memorials (Angel of Hope, park
where special tree is planted, etc.) Take
sidewalk chalk and let children make
drawings that you photograph and put in a
small album.
§ 
Remembrance walks
§ 
Holiday and other memorial events
*It can be comforting and empowering for
children to attend ceremonies such as walks
and holiday services (Roose & Blanford, 2011). § 
~Meredith, a bereaved
mom of four children
whose second child was
born still at full term.
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When a Loss Happens Early
in the Pregnancy
Take annual holiday photographs at
monuments such as the Angel of Hope or in
front of a special tree, bush or garden
Baby Dies Early in Pregnancy
•  Parents who have experienced an early pregnancy loss should have the opportunity: •  To be with each other during any tests, procedures or hospitalization as much as possible. •  To be cared for by an empathic staff who will respect their feelings, beliefs and individual requests. •  To have information presented in terminology understandable to parents regarding their baby's status and or cause of death (if known), including pathology reports and medical records. Rights of Parents when a
•  To be able to see and hold their baby and
take photographs if possible.
•  To be told all options and to be given the
choice (when medically possible) on how to
proceed when their baby has died, such as
D&C, natural delivery or delivery induced by
medications.
•  To be given the option to name their baby if
they choose to, whether or not the gender is
known.
•  To observe cultural and religious practices the
parents feel are appropriate to the situation.
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•  To be informed of the grieving process and to
be given referrals and resources that will help
them through their grief.
•  To be offered as many mementos as possible,
for example, ultrasound photos, memory box,
certificate of life.
•  To be given information on the facility's
disposition policy and offered choices
whenever possible.
•  To be given options regarding farewell rituals
such as a hospital memorial service, a balloon
release, or a private burial at home.
When the Loss Happens Early
in the Pregnancy
•  To receive follow-up appointments for
medical tests and genetic counseling or to
review lab test results.
•  These rights should be granted to parents no
matter how early in the pregnancy their loss
occurred.
Adapted from "Rights of Parents who Experience and Early
Pregnancy Loss" by Perry-Lynn Moffit, co-author of A Silent
Sorrow and endorsed by Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Support, Inc. and pregnancy and perinatal loss support groups
and leaders nationally. UPDATE THIS PICTURE WITH NEW STUFF! •  Offer final ultrasound photo
•  Many of the things that can be done for later
losses can also be done for those who
experience early losses (footprints,
photographs)
•  Connect with organizations like Angel
Outfitters for tiny wraps
•  Cards
•  Doctor appointment cards
•  Pictures of mom pregnant, even if she doesn’t
look pregnant
•  May still name the baby
•  Suggest ongoing memory making ideas
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“When people would ask
what they could do, I started
having my mom tell them
they could send me a bead
to add to a memorial
necklace. Many people sent
beads/charms and they all
meant SO much to me. On
the 3 month anniversary of
Noah’s birth I strung all the
things people sent together
into a “necklace” (it isn’t
really wearable, which was
never my intention, it is a string
of beads). It took me a long
time to make and it was a
healing process. We hung the
string of beads up over
Noah’s “angel” birth
certificate (from Angel
Whispers).”
Kim’s Cherished Quilt
“I was visiting with a group of
ladies from church one day when I
shared my experience of pregnancy loss.
They were all surprised to hear I had seven
early losses. One of the women asked me
if I had anything tangible to remember my
babies. I had to answer, “No.” I didn’t
have anything. The woman suggested I
do something to memorialize them. “Sure,”
I thought, “I’ll do that someday.”
A few weeks had passed when I received
a small gift box. In the box was a small
handmade quilt with tiny little hands and
tiny footprints. My “someday” had been
given to me. The quilt is now one of my
most cherished possessions.”
~Kim
When the Loss Happens Early
in the Pregnancy
Consider hosting a special memorial service or a
group burial. Families may also want to have
their own private service.
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When a Pregnancy is
Interrupted by a
D & E (Dilation and Evacuation)
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When a Pregnancy is
Interrupted by a D & E
•  Parents who are interrupting their pregnancy
by this method often are given no mementos
•  Keepsakes reinforce for the family that their
baby was loved, cherished and will be missed.
• 
Offer one last ultrasound photo and/or
recording of the heartbeat
• 
Suggest a 3D ultrasound
• 
Professional photos while the mom is still
pregnant
• 
Footprints and handprints may still be
obtained
Memory Making Opportunities
Other Than the Hospital
Setting/Ongoing MemoryMaking
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Ongoing Memory-Making
Why is ongoing memory making so important to
parents?
• When an older person dies, there is a lifetime of
memories and tangible reminders. There is no
such thing when a baby dies, so parents find it
comforting to create mementos and
incorporate the baby into their family’s life.
• Bereaved parents often say that memory
making is how they “parent” their baby who has
died.
• Memory making as the years go by is a way for
parents to process their feelings of loss and grief.
Ongoing Memory-Making
•  It is a way for parents whose loss happened
early, or those who weren’t given many
keepsakes at the time of their baby’s death to
connect them to their baby over time.
•  Even parents who are given mementos at the
time of the loss may want to continue
creating keepsakes as time goes on
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Ongoing Memory Making
Ideas
“…these are the things that have gotten us
through and will continue to get us through the
rest of our lives.”
~Kira, Tyler’s mom
•  Journaling
•  Blogging
•  Creating a memorial video using songs
and photos
•  Tattoos
Ideas
•  Some parents want to continue working on
a project they may have been making for
their baby before the death (such as quilts,
afghans and scrapbooks), while others may
want to put it aside for a while and come
back to it later
Ideas
•  Memory bear or quilt made from items
of clothing or blankets
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Ideas
•  Collect meaningful quotes and/or poems and
put them in a journal or small album
•  CD of special songs
•  Make a donation to an organization that is
near and dear to the parents—ask others to as
well
•  Sponsor a child in another country
•  Ask others to take photographs of things such
as the sunrise or balloon release on the baby’s
birthday and send photos. Put them in an
album or make a digital book online.
Ideas
•  Find a way to include the baby’s “symbol” in
cards and family photographs. A punch out of
a corner of the card, a stuffed animal that is
always in family photos, etc. is a sweet way for
families to include their baby.
•  Purchase or make a journal and use it to write
letters to the baby. Have it bound into a book.
•  Keep an accordion file of programs from
memorial events, newsletter articles, etc.
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Ideas
Rituals that can be carried out each year on
special days such as due dates, birthdays,
holidays and other anniversaries
Ideas
•  Shadow boxes
• 
There are many different items that can be
incorporated into shadow boxes: hospital
bracelets, clothing, hats, charms, photographs,
foot/handprints, poems, decorated wooden
letters, booties, cards, locks of hair, ribbons,
dried flowers, lock of hair, etc.)
Ideas
•  Needlework such as knitting, crocheting, rug hooking, sewing, cross stitch •  Woodworking •  Scrapbooking Finding something to do with one’s hands can be very therapeutic and healing 22
Paint Your Own Pottery
Ideas
Random Acts of Kindness
This has become very popular, and is a way for
parents to feel as if something good is being
done in honor of their baby. Many parents not
only perform RAKs themselves, but ask others to
as well.
“It took us at least an hour to read all of
the wonderful things people had done in honor
of our precious Corynn. Some acts were small
(feeding the birds), some acts were big
(volunteering to work on Christmas so a coworker could have the day off), and some
made us laugh. We took Corynn’s stocking full
of kindness to my family gatherings and to
Mike’s family’s Christmas celebration.
This helped us survive that first Christmas without
our baby in so many ways. Seeing all the good
deeds inspired by Corynn gave her brief life
even more meaning for us. Also, by waiting until
Christmas to look inside Corynn’s stocking, we
actually had something to look forward to on
Christmas. Bringing Corynn’s stocking and
allowing everyone to read the acts of kindness
at our various family gatherings kept her spirit
alive and a part of our Christmas celebrations.
This has become a tradition, as we, along with
friends and family, performed acts of kindness
each year at Christmas, and we plan to
continue the tradition and keep Corynn’s
memory alive
during the Christmas season, and
always.”
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Ideas
•  Giving Back
• 
Some parents choose to memorialize their
baby by donating items to hospitals or
even starting their own foundations. (Free
weighted bears, free jewelry, memory
boxes, making tiny hats and other items for
babies in the NICU)
• 
Teeny Tears, Angel Outfitters, Molly Bears,
Held Your Whole Life
Paige’s
Pretties
Teeny Tears
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Memory Boxes
in memory of
Makenna
Heaven Born pillows in
memory of Katie
Ideas
Stuffed animal with heartbeat recording
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Ideas
Ring of Hope
“…a simple way to
remember how many
people are praying for
you!”
~Paige’s mom
Make a booklet from cards received
Ideas
Collections/Symbols
“A symbol may connect parents to children:
Those who live with them and those who live
only in their hearts…some families hold dear a
special toy or other symbol that represents their
child.”
~Limbo & Kobler, 2013
“I collect giraffe items as that is his animal.
People have also given me giraffes to honor him.
One fellow bereaved mother gave me a
painting of a giraffe that she created herself. I
created a bracelet with his name and found a
giraffe bead to incorporate in it. I wear a ring
with a giraffe on it - and used this giraffe
rendering on his grave stone. Last summer I
volunteered with the giraffe feedings at my local
zoo. One of the giraffes actually has the same
birth date as my son. I'm looking forward to
volunteering this summer again. I planted a
stewartia in my yard in his honor because as the
plant ages, the bark flakes off & looks like giraffe
reticulations! All family photos have a giraffe
somewhere in it.”
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Ideas
•  Creative things to do with handprints and
footprints
•  How to incorporate siblings handprints
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Ideas
•  Name art
• 
• 
• 
• 
Most bereaved parents love seeing their
baby’s name
There are many bloggers who write babies
names on different mediums and send photos
to parents
Personalized license plates
Sign photos
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Opportunities
•  Jewelry
• 
• 
• 
Beads made from dried flower petals
Pendants that incorporate photos, ashes and
handprints/footprints
Incorporating special symbols
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Opportunities
Star registry
Opportunities
•  Photography
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
Special places
Baby items
Self portraits
Professional maternity photos for parents who
know their baby is not going to survive
Making photos part of mementos
Displaying photos in creative ways
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“We had the opportunity to take maternity pics after
we found out we would lose him. We had a week to
plan. These are my favorite and they are something
we can share with family members.
Also that week we went to get a 3d ultrasound (we
wouldn't be able to see him after birth because of
the procedure we had to do).”
~Kira, Tyler’s Mom
Ways to creatively display photographs:
• Silhouettes
• Multi-opening photo frame to show close up
photos of the baby’s features
• Ultrasound art
• Print a photo on fabric and either frame or
make into a pillow
125
Opportunities
Gardening/home memorial gardens/tree plantings
•  Gardening can be relaxing, comforting and therapeutic
•  Good physical outlet
•  Will become a living tribute to the baby that can be
added to each year.
•  Can be simple or elaborate
•  Can incorporate meaningful symbols, themes and colors
•  Parents can keep an album of photos taken each year
•  Children typical enjoy gardening, so it can be a healing
family project
126
“This little blue spruce brought us peace because it acknowledged our love for
Christopher as we began the Christmas Season. Each year we would adorn
the tree with the simple white lights and remember our son and brother. It
became the tradition we looked forward to most. As the years passed, we
began to refer to the little blue spruce as the Christopher Tree.” ~Cathi
The
Christopher
Tree
32
Opportunities
Emma’s
Burning Bush
•  Gardening
• 
• 
Tree in a public place or park
Playgrounds
“…for it grows and blooms in front of our home; the house Emma
would have grown up in, the house she is celebrated, loved and
kept very alive in. It was planted in the fall of 2002 ensconced by a
circle of love: flat, connected stones designed by her father, a
symbol of the never ending love we hold for her. Its growth is hers. “
~Cara
“One of the best ways that we
have found to memorialize our son,
Samuel, was to plant a memorial tree at a local park. For us and many others,
planting a tree has transformed the terrible loss of our stillborn son into a
living, thriving entity that has grown with us and our family as time has passed.
We chose to plant a tree in Tower Grove Park, which is protected, wellmaintained, and focused on the preservation of trees and green space in St.
Louis.
Our criteria for choosing our memorial tree included: 1) Variety: a Yoshino
cherry, which blooms in the springtime near April when we lost our Samuel,
and 2) Location: close to the large children’s playground in the center of the
park so other children and families could see and play around our Samuel’s
tree.
We return to his tree regularly, including his angel-versary every April 11th to
take pictures with our living children under the tree, at other times to play in
the park and visit the tree, and often just to drive by and say hello on the way
to work. Our Samuel’s tree now is a place of comfort and happy times for our
extended family. “
Opportunities
Engraved stone or
brick at a public
monument
33
Opportunities
Engraved stone or
brick at a public
monument
Opportunities
•  Preserving flowers • 
• 
• 
Candle holders Making an ornament from handmade paper with flower petals Jewelry—beads made from dried flower petals, pendants with flowers Ongoing Memory Making
Opportunities
•  Scrapbooking • 
• 
Even if the parents have no photos of the baby, scrapbooks can be made using many different items, such as pictures from memorial events, monuments, holidays, and yearly traditions Themed scrapbook based around a favorite song or poem “Half of his book is after I found out I was
pregnant but before his birth--it is us getting
ready as a family. Most people think I had
done this before his birth because it's so
happy. I didn't. I just really wanted to get the
message across to anyone looking at the
book how excited we were for him and
loved him. Also, I wanted the kids to
remember this amazing, happy time of our
family.”
~Deb, Clayton’s mom 136
34
“I wanted to create something to honor Elysium;
something to show people that she was more
than a death announcement. In my attempt to
show others that she existed I created a tribute
that brings us comfort every time we open it.
Every time we open the book it brings us closer
to our daughter. It also helps us share her life
with others. When people look at the book they
gain insight into what we have lost. It is
something we will always have to connect us to
our daughter.”
Holiday Traditions
~Tammi, Elysium’s Mom
137
138
Holiday Traditions
•  Holidays can be extremely difficult for
bereaved parents, especially in the first few
years.
•  Finding meaningful ways to honor the baby
that died can help parents get through them.
•  As the years go by, parents and siblings may
find great comfort in newly-established
traditions that honor their baby.
•  They may even begin to one day find joy in
carrying out these traditions.
Don’t forget Dads!
139
35
Incorporating Memory Making
into Support Group Meetings
into
Support Group Meetings
•  Have a special group meeting to talk about/
give memory making ideas and invite
participants to bring their mementos to share
with the group
•  Keep a file or album of ideas to share with
those who need some guidance or are looking
for ideas
•  Scrapbooking night
•  Stepping stones
•  Have a night for parents to bring their own
projects to work on together.
141
•  Many people think they aren’t “crafty,” but
finding even simple things to do means a lot to
parents as they often will enjoy doing making
something for their baby.
•  Ask a parent with a special skill or hobby to
assist you. Perhaps someone can teach the
group to knit/crochet, make jewelry, paint
memory boxes, etc. This can be especially
meaningful to parents who can teach others a
new skill in honor of their baby.
A parent who received few (or no) mementos at
the time of their loss will be especially
appreciative of the opportunity to create
something for their baby.
36
Make ribbons, buttons or other items for
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Host a holiday or Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Remembrance Day service
• Rituals enable parents to reflect and serve as a
touchstone to their past. “Rituals are a powerful
way to maintain lasting bonds with someone
who died. (Limbo & Kobler, 2013)
Keep it simple.
•  Have refreshments (ask everyone to bring a
snack to share)
•  Provide candle holders and an assortment of
stickers, ribbons and paint pens so parents can
decorate a candle.
•  Either read babies names or have parents say
their babies name as they light their candles
•  If the weather permits, go for a walk outside
with your candles.
37
•  When hosting a holiday service, provide an
ornament parents can take home.
•  Consider reading a poem and playing a song,
or perhaps ask a parent to sing or play an
instrument.
•  Parents often attend these types of events for
many years after their loss, long after they
have stopped attending group meetings. This
serves a two-fold purpose: Gives them a way
to continue honoring their baby while giving
hope to newer parents.
Decorate flower pots
or
birdhouses
Host a bracelet-making night
38
Memory Blocks
• Provide painted blocks, a variety of stickers,
paper and a printer
• Parents who had early losses who may not know
their baby’s measurements, etc. can make their
block with quotes, stickers and dates such as the
date of the loss and/or their baby’s due date.
Decorate candle holders
Make holiday ornaments
Paint garden stones
39
There is no timeline on
memory making…
Keep in mind:
•  Even families who were given many opportunities
at the time of their loss appreciate creating new
mementos in honor of their baby.
•  You may meet parents who received no
mementos at all, and finding ways for them to
memorialize their beloved baby will be most
appreciated.
•  Finding ways for someone whose loss was possibly
unrecognized many years ago to memorialize their
baby will be so healing.
“I have found healing in sewing burial clothing and
crocheting blankets for babies from teeny tiny
miscarried babies up to babies of full term birth
weight. I do it to honor and remember our Jeffrey,
and it is a joyful thing for me to do. And I do it so no
other mother has to worry if there is clothing for her
precious baby to wear. Dressing a baby makes that
baby so real. He/she is something to celebrate, not
forget about and move on. Share has helped me all
these years later as we mothers never forget our
babies.”
~Karen, a bereaved mom whose premature son lived for 12 hours in
1969.
158
159
40
References
References
•  Avelin, P., Erlandsson, K., Hildingsson, I., & Radestad, I. (2011).
Swedish parents’ experiences of parenthood and the need for
support to siblings when a baby is stillborn. Birth, 38(2), 150-158.
•  Callister, L. (2006). Perinatal loss: A family perspective. Journal
of Perinatal and Neonatal Nursing, 20(3), 227-234.
•  Chan, et al. (2008). Investigating factors associate to nurses’
attitudes towards perinatal bereavement care. Journal of
Clinical Nursing.
•  Erlandsson, K., Avelin, P., Saflund, K., Wredling, R., & Radestad, I.
(2010). Siblings farewell to a stillborn sister or brother and
parents’ support to their older children: A questionnaire study
from the parents’ perspective. Journal of Child Healthcare.
14(2), 151-160
•  Hochberg, T. (2011). Moments held—photographing perinatal
loss. The Lancet, 377(9774), 1310-1311.
•  Hutti, M. (2005). Social and professional support needs of
families after perinatal loss. JOGNN, 34(5), 630-638.
•  Lamb, Sr. J. M.(1992). Parents’ needs and rights when a baby
dies. Health Progress, 73(1), 52-57.
•  Leon, I. (2008). Helping families cope with perinatal loss. The
Global Library of Women’s Medicine, (ISSN: 1756-2228).
•  Limbo, R., & Kobler, K. (2013). Meaningful moments: Ritual and
reflection when a child dies. LaCrosse, WI: Bereavement and
Advanced Care Planning Services, Gundersen Medical
Foundation
•  Limbo, R., & Kobler, K. (2010). The tie that binds: Relationships
in perinatal bereavement. Bereavement, 35(6), 316-321.
•  McCurdy, D., & Byrne, T. (1992). The rights of parents when a
baby dies. The Caregiver Journal, 9(2/3), 22-36.
References
•  O’Leary, J., & Gaziano, C. (2011). Sibling grief after perinatal
loss. Journal of Prenatal and Perinatal Psychology and Health,
25(3), 173-193.
•  O’Leary, J., Warland, J., & Parker, L. (2011). Bereaved parents’
perception of the grandparents’ reactions to perinatal loss
and the pregnancy that follows. Journal of Family Nursing,
17(3), 330-356.
•  Packman, W., Horsley, H., Davies, B., & Kramer, R. (2007). Sibling
bereavement and continuing bonds. Death Studies, 30,
817-841.
•  Roose, R., & Blanford, C. (2011). Perinatal grief and support
spans the generations: Parents’ and grandparents’
evaluations of an intergenerational perinatal bereavement
program. Journal of Perinatal Nursing, 25(1), 77-85.
41

Memory Making PP Handouts - The 20th Biennial International

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