STEPPING STONES Parents Of Murdered Children and Survivors of Homicide Victims

STEPPING STONES
Suffolk County Chapter
Parents Of Murdered Children
and Survivors of Homicide Victims
Serving all Long Island, New York
For the family and friends of
those who have died by violence.
P.O. Box 185, Oakdale, NY 11769
[email protected], call 631-384-5240
February, March 2007
Volume III, Issue 2
WHO WE ARE
We are the survivors of a murdered loved one.
We have joined together in a local support group to help each other through
this grief, that is like no other.
Our support group is a chapter of a national organization started in 1978 by
Bob and Charlotte Hullinger of Cincinnati, Ohio. Their daughter Lisa had
been murdered three months earlier. Father Ken Czillinger brought them in
contact with other parents whose children had been murdered.
As Survivors of a homicide victim, we share the cycle of grief and coping
with the traumatic loss of a loved one. We are among friends who help ourselves as we help others by listening, sharing, education and action.
Guidelines
Whatever is shared within the group is confidential.
You are welcome to ask questions, make
suggestions or just listen...there are no right or
wrong answers or feelings. The atmosphere should
be one of sharing, no one is put on the spot or
forced to talk. It is a safe place to share experiences
and feelings.
It is important to give everyone who wishes an
opportunity to talk. Consider others, be nonjudgmental and non-prying.
Please attend three meetings before deciding if
POMC is for you.
Suffolk County’s Crime Victims
If you need to speak to a Crime Victims
Advocate in Suffolk County please call
(631)852-2555
POMC National Headquarters
National Organization Of POMC, Inc.
Executive Director, Nancy Ruhe
100 East Eighth Street, B-41
Cincinnati, OH 45202
Phone: 888-818-POMC
email: [email protected]
Fax: 513-345-4489
Web: http://www.pomc.com
The Mission of National Crime Victims'
Rights Week
The mission of National Crime Victims'
Rights Week is to provide a time of nationwide remembrance, reflection and
re-commitment for crime victims and
survivors and those who serve them in
order to raise individual and public
awareness about the rights and needs
of crime victims, the challenges that
victims face in seeking help and hope
in the aftermath of crime, and the
positive impact that individuals and
communities can have by providing
services and support to victims and
survivors of crime.
National Crime Victims’ Rights Week
National Observance and Candlelight
Ceremony
The National Candlelight Observance to commemorate NCVRW and pay tribute to victims
and survivors is scheduled for the evening of
Thursday, April 19, 2007, in Washington,
D.C. Additional information about the National Observance (including time and location) will be available at OVC's Web site:
www,ovc.gov/ncvrw
SUFFOLK CHAPTER BOARD MEMBERS
Donna Kukura - Chapter Leader
June M. Ginty - Treasurer, Newsletter Editor
Marilyn McNeil—Secretary
June Ginty—National Boardmember
Board Elections
Marilyn McNeil, mother of murder victim Lawrence Ennett was recently elected to the Suffolk County Chapter
of POMC’s board. Marilyn will serve as our secretary.
Marilyn McNeil has been a member of the Suffolk County Chapter of Parents Of Murdered Children and
Survivors of Homicide Victims since her son Lawrence B. Ennett, II was murdered on October 29, 2004. Larry
had gone to a barber shop in Jamaica, Queens for a simple hair cut. There was an altercation and Larry was shot
and died immediately. In early June, 2006 during a two week trial the jury was not able to come up with a verdict. During a second trial in the fall of 2006 the jury found the murderer guilty of murder in the 2nd degree and
he was sentenced to 25 years to life.
Marilyn spoke at the 21st Annual Crimes Victims’ Candlelight Vigil sponsored by the then NY State Attorney
General Eliot Spitzer in 2006. In her speech Marilyn’s hope for all of us is that we will constantly remember all
of the wonderful things about our loved ones and let those memories bring smiles to our faces. Let us give and
receive the comfort and support which we all need.
POMC Member News
Congratulations to Annie Horsky on her recent engagement to Tom. Our thoughts are with you guys!!
Annie is also struggling with health issues. Keep her in your prayers.
Our best wishes to Donna Hoera who recently returned to work. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, DONNA!!!
Our warmest wishes go to George Ginty as he faces surgery at the end of April.
Thanks to June Ginty,, Diane Weaver and Lisa Diem for their assistance with the recent OVC photo shoot..
Congratulations to Marilyn McNeil for her recent election to the Suffolk County Board..
We are happy to hear that the boyfriend of Kathy McNulty is feeling better and is able to go back to work!
Cathy, we need to see you guys healthy again.. It was such fun watching you and your daughter dancing at the
Remembrance Day dinner! This year we will get a picture!
We are planning our Remembrance Day event this year, Save the date—September 30th! Watch for
further information..
Tara’s Bench
On March 26 the bench in memory of Tara
Murphy and her baby, Joseph Rivera was installed at a beautiful park. Tara’s grandparents
had the bench installed in their memory. Tara’s
mom, Suffolk County Chapter member, is overjoyed to see the bench in such a pretty spot!
However she is saddened because there is such
deep pain to go along with that happiness. Tara
and her baby were murdered on October 23,
2002.
The inscription on the bench reads:
In loving memory of
Tara Lynn Murphy and Baby Joseph Rivera
Online Registration Opens for TCF's 30th National Conference in Oklahoma City
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Online registration is now open for The Compassionate Friends 30th National Conference in Oklahoma July 20-22. To register online for the conference, the pre-conference Professional Outreach
Day, or for the Walk to Remember, visit the registration site and click on Register.
TCF has an extraordinary lineup of keynote speakers with a wide variety of backgrounds and life experiences related to bereavement following the death of a child.
Elizabeth Edwards, bereaved parent, lawyer, author, and wife of declared presidential candidate John Edwards will keynote at
the conference opening ceremony Friday morning.
Bill Hancock, bereaved parent and author, whose son was killed in the 2001 airplane crash along with members and staff from
the Oklahoma State University men's basketball team will be the Friday evening banquet keynote speaker.
Simon Stephens founded The Compassionate Friends 37 years ago in England when he saw that two sets of bereaved parents could help each other more than anything he could say. Simon is making a special trip all the way from his current home in
Russia for TCF/USA's 30th National Conference and will be the Saturday evening banquet speaker.
Bud Welch, whose daughter, Julie, was killed in the 1995 bombing of the Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City will be the
keynote speaker at the Sunday closing.
With more than 100 workshops planned, sibling survivors will have a complete track of workshops, as will parents who have no
surviving children. The pre-conference Professionals Day Outreach Program will take place July 19 and is open not only to anyone who works with bereaved parents following the death of a child, but also all who may be interested in learning more about
the latest thinking on bereavement and grief after the loss of a child.
Your help in offsetting the tremendous costs of putting on this year's national conference would be greatly appreciated. To see
how you can support the conference in memory of a beloved child, download the Opportunities to Support page. Reserving a
room for the 2007 conference is easy using online registration via the link from the TCF National Conference information
page.
Have A Dream Catcher Displayed at the National Conference Honoring Your Child
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Oklahoma chapters of The Compassionate Friends last month announced the "Dream Catcher" program in conjunction with
and as a fundraiser for the 30th TCF National Conference. The conference committee plans to decorate the registration area,
memory boards, and hospitality room with hundreds of Dream Catchers featuring our beloved TCF children. You will have the
opportunity to sponsor a Dream Catcher in memory of your child, grandchild, sibling, or loved one even if you are unable to attend the conference!!
An interesting Indian legend, still observed by the Sioux tribe, surrounds this special and unique Dream Catcher. To read this
legend and see a picture of the Dream Catcher, visit Legend.
For a template and order form for the Dream Catcher, visit template.
Walk to Remember "Friends Asking Friends" Program Offers Unique Opportunity to Participate from Home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interested in participating in this year's Walk to Remember, even if you can't be in Oklahoma City July 22?
You have the opportunity to join in a unique concept unveiled last year that allows you to honor the memory of
a special child, while helping to assure that TCF will always be there to assist bereaved families following the
death of a child.
It's very simple. First, visit the Walk to Remember website at www.tcfwalktoremember.org. Decide your level of
involvement-support an existing individual, family, or chapter team, or create a team of your own in memory of
a child. Second, if you decide to form a team of your own, you easily create and personalize your own web page
with pictures and stories that honor the memory of one child or many. Third, set a fundraising goal and attain
this by inviting friends and family to visit your web page and provide their support. It's that simple
Can a Parent Ever Get Over the Death of a Child?
Dear Bel, My son died in a hospital after undergoing treatment for a life-threatening condition 25 years ago at the age of 3. Recently I
was talking to a friend whose 26 year old son had died 16 years ago in an accident. We agreed that most of the time we manage really
well, and then suddenly a comment or a memory can set us back and we feel overwhelmed by grief again, just as we were immediately
after our children died.
Later that day I began thinking that at least my friend had her son for 26 years of his life, whereas my son had only lived for three,
Then I felt guilty for thinking this, as I realize that her grief is no less. Do you think that a parent can ever get over the death of a
child?
Oh, can we stop the rain from falling, or our days slipping forward into night? Is it possible not to thirst if there is nothing
around to drink? In a world terrifying in its unpredictability, there are things which are certain, and in some moods we
may even take comfort from that – even though the rain is sad, the darkness full of fear and the thirst unendurable. No, I
do not believe a parent can ever ‘ get over’ the death of a child, because the flesh of your flesh, blood of your blood, will always remain just that, and therefore pain will always be there, beating within a vein just below the surface of your skin.
Let me explain that I don’t say that in order to be a doomsayer, nor do I want readers to think I am being too bleak. On
the contrary. One of my philosophies is that we should not expect to ‘get over’ any sort of loss. In particular, surely we
honour the beloved dead by carrying our losses with us, just as a snowball rolled along picks up snow, and – in time and
with the right help – that process cannot but add to the sum total, the spiritual size, of who we are. This is not a matter of
choice. Yet it necessarily involves several degrees of acceptance.
Your letter (so beautiful in its unusual economy it reminds me of a Japanese poem where each line contains a whole
world of experience) raises many important issues. As you acknowledge, there is no league table in grief. When our second
son was stillborn in 1975 I remember simultaneously raging within at those who said, with well-meaning callousness,
‘But you can have another one,’ and feeling apologetic because I shouldn’t compare my grief to that of a mother who had
loved a living child for three whole years. Of course, such comparisons are meaningless, aren’t they? Just as there is no
allotted time for the so-called stages of grief, as if money had been put in a parking meter, so there are no levels of appropriate pain, according to how long the dead one had been embraced within your life. It just doesn’t work that way.
To lose a child is the most devastating experience any parents has to face. In the UK alone 16,000 children under 19 die
each year. Thousands more young adults in their twenties and thirties also die, and grief is no less intense for the parent
of an ‘adult child.’ Your child is your child, and the seventy five year old woman who loses her son to cancer at the age of
fifty grieves for her baby boy with the intensity of the young mother who endures a tot death. It is because the natural
order of things has been inverted. We do not expect to outlive our children, but to be growing old as they reach maturity;
to have witnessed their lives unfold and build, birthday by birthday, in all the complexity of sadness and success. The
blunt truth that human experience does not always deliver – indeed, that children and their parents are (as this column
knows) often at each others’ throats – does not impinge on the expectations we are born with. Our children are the messengers we send into the future – and indeed, if that thought were more to the forefront of our minds, instead of deep, we
might bring more creative focus to our behaviour towards them, before it is too late.
But no matter – let us talk about solidarity in grief, because that is what you and your friend share, different though your
experiences have been. In December 1997 I carried out of the hardest tasks of my life which was to give the address in the
packed vastness of the Liverpool Anglican Cathedral, at a Candle Service attended by bereaved parents, at which the rollcall of names was read out: lost children of all ages who would always be grieved for. Your letter made me dig out the text
of my address that night, and I want to quote it here:
“I sometimes think that once you have experienced pain it flickers around you forever, like a sort of aura, or halo – or
crown of thorns. It is a ring of fire, which other people can cross more easily if they have experienced it too. I know that’s
why there are many of you here who have only met and become friends through grief. It’s not something you would have
chosen – no, not ever – and yet the knowledge gained, and the community shared, is not something that ever goes away.
What we have here, in this huge space, is an invisible solidarity, one with the other. Bereavement can leave you
bleak and bitter; it can make some people cry abuse at the universe, or at God; it can strengthen others in their faith or
acceptance. Whatever - and there are no rules - when we come here tonight we know one thing – that we are not alone.
Holding hands in our imaginations, or actually holding them, what we do is this: we make a circle of our own, private grief
and share, even if briefly, the pain of others. That is being part of humanity. That is one aspect of the power of love.
And what is causing that power to come into being? The pure, the strong, the permanent, the endless individual
love for those children, of whatever age, who ought to have outlived us, yet did not. The very fact that we are all here, experiencing this circle of light together….proves beyond doubt…..the simple fact that love is stronger than death.
There’s a pop song I like which contains the words, “I don’t know much but I know I love you. And that may be all I need
to know.’
For as it may, in the end, be all there is to know. Our love is stronger than death. The power of our individual love for our
children, living and dead, goes on and on. That is not just a source of grief – not now, not any more – but of sweetness and
certainty and strength, even on the blackest days. Isn’t one of the problems that people don’t know what to say to you –
and all the more so as years pass?
This charity is especially close to my heart because I helped to launch it in September 1995. One of the first callers of a
English based charity was a retired GP, a widower, who had lost both his (grownup) children in a sailing accident thirty
years earlier, and never spoken about it until the day he read about the new phone service for bereaved parents. In that
moment, surely, he became a part of a whole, listened to and understood. And when you and your friend do that for each
other, you share the permanent love for children whose spirits can never die.
This article was from [email protected], copied with permission from Bel Mooney.
Subject: letter to editor re" Samurai killer's new life" 3/5/07
I was absolutely horrified and outraged to read the front page of NEWSDAY, coverage of the convicted samurai killer's new
life, on Monday March 5, 2007 which would have been the 40th birthday of my brother, an unsolved murder victim at the age
of 35 on Christmas 2002.
Have you absolutely no decency as a publication? The families and friends of murder victims suffer tremendously in the aftermath of murder, they don't need Newsday adding salt to the wounds. I know your front page was a sensational attempt to sell
papers, murder is a multi-billion dollar entertainment industry that encourages society's indifference to the seriousness of
crime and violence in this country. "Murdertainment" continues to re-victimize those who have already been affected by the
murder of a loved one, ignores the aftermath of murder and sets a poor example for the nations' youth. A responsible publication would strive to instill the same empathy and respect for victims of murder that society affords victims of other tragedies. As a parent and an active PTO member I am concerned about the message you sending our youth who read your paper in our schools... Go ahead chop off your parent/stepparents' head, MURDER someone if you want....The Jailhouse
Rocks, you'll be on the front page and the message that is conveyed is you can still have a hopeful future, you might even
think it is " far better than the outside". These convicted murderers even get a free college education on us, ,the non-criminal
taxpayers. What about those victims the murderer left behind, all of us who are survivors of a homicide victim, we live with
the aftermath everyday, no one is offering us or our children free college educations at tax payer expense. The Aftermath of
murder doesn't rock, it is devastating. I send my condolences to all those readers who Newsday re-traumatizes with their
"Murdertainment". POMC, inc. is available for support.
Donna Kukura
Chapter leader SUFFOLK COUNTY CHAPTER OF NATIONAL ORGANIZATION of Parents Of Murdered Children and
Survivors of Homicide Victims PO Box 185 Oakdale, New York 11769
sister of Brian Kevin Boothe born 3/5/67 murdered 12/25/2002
cell 631-838-8426
The Mission Statement of POMC
POMC makes the difference through on-going emotional support, education, prevention, advocacy, and
awareness.
POMC Vision Statement
To provide support and assistance to all survivors of homicide victims while working to create a world free of
murder.
Membership
Membership is open to those who have been cruelly bereaved by the murder of a loved one. Professionals
who are in frequent contact with grieving families are also welcome to join.
2007 POMC National Conference
The 21st Annual POMC Conference will be held August 2-5, 2007, at the Wyndham Greenspoint Hotel, in
Houston, Texas. This year's conference, Angels Forever, is hosted by the Heights Chapter of POMC. More information about the conference will be posted soon.
Conference Scholarship Applications:
POMC has once again applied for grant funding from the U.S. Department of Justice/Office for Victims of
Crime to support participant scholarships to the POMC Conference. While we wait to learn the outcome of our
grant application, due to time limitations, POMC would like to begin accepting and processing applications
from potential scholarship recipients. If you are interested in receiving a scholarship, please complete the application form. All forms must be completed and returned to POMC no later than May 15, 2007. Please send
your application either by mail to POMC, 100 East 8th, Cincinnati OH 45202; fax 513-345-4489; or email
[email protected]. Funding availability is contingent on POMC's receipt of a formal grant award.
Please click 2007 Conference Scholarship to download and print the application.
Before making travel arrangements for the conference in August check with Southwest Airlines. They are having Internet
specials of $99.00 each way to Houston until August.
In Loving Memory
Lawrence B. Ennett, II
September 17, 1976—October 29, 2004
Dear Larry,
We love and miss you more than words can express.
There is no time when you are not in our thoughts and hearts.
Our tears are because you are not here.
Our smiles are because you were.
Forever,
Your loving family
In Loving memory
Of
Jane C. Mosher-Buyno
February 25, 1981 ~ January 4, 2007
IN MEMORY OF ALL THOSE WE LOVE
This Newsletter Is Dedicated to the Memory of Our Loved Ones
May you treasure the unforgettable moments and meaningful words you shared,
May you find comfort, hope and peace in each new day,
And may your journey lead you to a new place of healing.
Anniversary Dates
April
Kathleen Kraebel
Patrick Francis Whelehan
Christopher Bailey
Douglas Ruggero
Leah Tagliaferri
Chang Seah Elan
William Forde, Jr.
Richard Bottjer
Dominick Anthony Ragucci
Eve J. Acks
Harlan J. Ackerman
Christopher O’Connor
Lloyd Andrew Williams
Romell Javone Harris
Michael Shawn Frazier
Curtise Walters
Joseph DeSantis
Sheryl M. Kessner-Shalom
Anthony Granese
John Anthony Pius
Richard Bergerson
Nancy Gschweng
Joseph Mondello
John Cohn
Lloyd Gorenstein
May
Jack Stella
Donald Brown
George Aufiero
Carol Rae Weiss
Eric Ford
Richard McCabe
Eli Nathan
Hope Corsini
Stephen Condos
Paul Giordano
Werner VanDerHoof
Eileen Aylward
Tyler Kelly
Thomas Maltese
Steven E. Rodriquez
Anthony Sanchez
Lisa Triggs
Gerald L. Kasen
Laura Parker
Howard Marc Davis
Justin Johnson
Noreen Theresa Hilton
4/1/94
4/2/87
4/2/89
4/2/94
4/5/02
4/6/90
4/7/92
4/7/88
4/9/79
4/11/83
4/11/88
4/11/87
4/11/87
4/12/90
4/14/85
4/14/90
4/18/93
4/22/80
4/20/90
4/20/79
4/21/93
4/23/86
4/27/88
4/29/86
4/30/88
05/1/94
05/2/81
05/3/89
05/6/90
05/7/89
5/10/89
5/11/91
5/12/84
5/13/97
5/14/90
5/14/91
5/16/91
5/16/97
5/18/90
5/18/96
5/19/97
5/21/86
5/22/82
5/23/84
5/26/82
5/26/98
5/28/80
June
Gary Baranker
Dwayne A. Simmons
Rosemary MacMillan Crane
Vladimir Antoine
Michael Sullivan
Frank Randolfi
Patrick Ball
Annita Stewart
Sharone Stewart
Aaron Stewart
Ellen Fox
Heidi Goldberg
Laurie Wardien
June Friedman
Richard P. Douglass Jr.
6/1/81
6/3/88
6/6/97
6/6/98
6/6/86
6/7/89
6/7/93
6/8/97
6/8/97
6/8/97
6/8/85
6/8/84
6/10/85
6/11/82
6/12/88
Bonnie Bregy
May Layton
6/14/90
6/14/90
James McHugh
Kathy Ann Scott
Carelton Mitchell Hargis
Raymond Murray
Arthur Zampino, Jr.
Tara Murphy
Julius H. Baumgardt
Nancy Santomero
Karen Ann Choma
Marvin Zaretsky
Dawn E. Kruk
David Portmore
John David Linehan
Scott Adam Gadell
Robert Henri Ferrer
Kesha Conners
John Neil
6/17/92
6/20/65
6/20/88
6/22/95
6/22/83
6/23/02
6/23/94
6/25/80
6/25/88
6/25/94
6/27/92
6/27/91
6/28/86
6/28/86
6/28/92
6/28/96
6/28/98
It is our hope that we may honor all homicide victims on their anniversary dates. We ask that you send in dates of birth and dates of
death if you do not see them in our newsletter. If we have not included your loved one’s name, or if any of the information is incorrect, we apologize. Please contact June Ginty (631)384-5240 or email [email protected] if you wish to contact us with any corrections. As survivors ourselves, we do not want to slight or offend anyone, so please help us to be accurate.
THIS IS YOUR NEWSLETTER
Readers are encouraged to send letters, poetry, pictures, stories, announcements, and articles of interest to June Ginty. Mail
address is PO Box 185, Oakdale, NY 11769 or email [email protected].
I would like to update the membership list and would like everyone to update their address, phone number and name, date of
birth, date of murder and relationship of your murdered loved one. We will be putting the dates of birth and dates of murder
in your newsletter and do not want to miss anyone. Please send in your updates.
Memorial on the Internet
I am in the process of collecting pictures to be displayed on our Website (www.POMC.com, check “chapters”) If you wish
your loved ones picture to be a part of this memorial please mail your picture to June Ginty, PO Box 185, Oakdale, NY 11769.
Your picture will be returned. Please write a little note saying that you give me permission to display your picture on the
website.
picture for the journal, etc. I will only need a note for permission to display it. Thank
you.
Each month a number of newsletters are returned due to delivery problems. In addition to the initial postage, return postage is
charged
by the
Postal Service.
To minimize
this expense,
write
to the return
address
of this
newsletter
contact
June at
Each
month
a number
of newsletters
are returned
due to please
delivery
problems.
In addition
to the
initial
postage,orreturn
postage
is
(631)
384-5240
email
June at
if your
address
charged
by the or
Postal
Service.
[email protected]
minimize this expense,
please
write changes.
to the return address of this newsletter or contact June at
(631) 384-5240 or email June at [email protected] if your address changes.
GETTING TO KNOW OUR LOVED ONES
This page is dedicated to our loved ones who have been brutally murdered. We would like to have the parents, or
other survivors of the victim, write a paragraph or two about his/her life (i.e., the person’s hobbies, what he/she
liked or didn’t like, etc.) We know how they died. What we want to know is how they lived. We can, by this,
possibly feel closer to the victim, even though we had never met him/her. When the survivors speak of their loved
one we will get to “know” them. Anyone who would like to participate is welcome. If you would like to have a
picture included, please send one and I will scan it and return it to you. Please send your biography to June Ginty,
PO Box 185, Oakdale, NY 11769 or email to [email protected]. Please not: All submissions will be printed as
space allows.
Suffolk County Chapter
Parents Of Murdered Children
and Survivors of Homicide Victims
POMC
P.O. Box 185
Oakdale, NY 11769
Address Correction Requested
DATED MATERIAL