Kids Book on Family Fighting - Erik Johnson, Conflict Mediation Coach

The Kids’ Book
About Family
Fighting
By Family Fighting Expert
© 2009 Erik Johnson
www.conflictmediationcoach.com
1
When a family experiences stress or anxiety they cope by taking on roles to avoid or deflect
pain. People put on different roles for different situations. A person can play two or more
roles at once. And the roles balance a family like a child’s mobile.
In most family fights there are three people….
The Bully
He or she is the “bad guy, the “bugger,” the
mean one who starts everything.
Snidely Whiplash
The Victim
He or she is the innocent one, the one who is
bugged, the one who needs and expects
rescuing, feels blamed for everything.
Nell Fenwick
The Hero
He or she is the helpful one, the one who
catches the bad guy, the one who rescues the
innocent one.
Dudley Do Right
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This is me, the older sister. In our family I am like
Nell, the innocent victim who gets picked on all the
time.
This is my pesky little brother. He gets away with
everything! He pesters me constantly. I ask him to
stop and he won’t. He bugs me on purpose and it
drives me crazy. He’s like Snidely Whiplash!
This is my mother. It’s her job to protect the innocent
and punish the guilty. She’s like Dudley Do Right.
But guess what? She does nothing!
So to protect myself, I take matters into my own hands and
become Dudley Do Right!
When I try to make my brother stop bugging me he
cries and tattles on me. He pretends he is poor, little,
innocent Nell!
My mom hates it when he whines. To get me to stop
bugging him she gets mean and comes after me with
consequences and punishment. She’s like Snidely
Whiplash!
Now I’m really angry! I was just trying to protect
myself and I get in trouble. I wish I was an only
child!! I’m Nell again now with no Dudley Do Right
and two Snidely Whiplashes!
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3
This is me, the younger brother. In our family I am
like Nell, just trying to get a little respect around
here.
This is my older sister. She gets away with
everything, has more privileges, and won’t let me
play with her. She teases me and when I ask her to
stop she won’t. She bugs me on purpose and it drives
me crazy. She’s like Snidely Whiplash!
This is my mother. It’s her job to protect the innocent
and punish the guilty. She’s like Dudley Do Right.
But guess what? She does nothing!
To protect myself I take matters into my own hands
and become Dudley Do Right!
When I try to make my sister stop bugging me she
reacts and tattles on me. She pretends she is poor,
little, innocent Nell!
My mom hates it when she whines. To get me to stop
bugging her she comes after me with consequences
and punishment. She’s mean like Snidely
Whiplash!
Now I’m really angry! I was just trying to protect
myself and I get in trouble. I wish I was an only
child!! I’m Nell again now with no Dudley Do Right
and two Snidely Whiplashes! I’ll admit I like it when my sister
gets in trouble. Watching them fight is better than TV!
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4
This is me, the mother. In our family I am like Nell. I
work my fingers to the bone to keep this family on
track! I shop, cook, clean, run errands, plan parties,
schedule appointments, and what thanks do I get?
None! The kids’ fighting drives me crazy! I don’t get
a minute’s rest. All I want is peace and quiet.
This is my daughter. She’s older and should know
how to be nice to her brother. Instead she’s a bully
and a tease. She’s mean like Snidely Whiplash!
This is my son. Sometimes he goes too far with his
antics. All I ask is that he have a little more patience.
I keep waiting for them to grow up, but guess what?
They do nothing! It’s like having TWO Snidely
Whiplashes in the house!
My daughter thinks she’s the victim, Nell.
My son thinks he’s the victim, Nell.
I think I’m the victim, Nell.
I ignore them as long as possible but they push my
buttons. Then I fly into action like Dudley Do Right
and send both of them to their rooms.
5
Lessons…
You know you’re being a Nell when you…
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
feel defensive, passive, afraid, and vulnerable.
you say things like, “I’m helpless against bullies,” “Somebody save me!” “Snidely is trying to
hurt me!” “I know what others are thinking!”
To get out of the Nell role...
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Don’t wait for others to rescue you.
Stop reacting to people you think are bullying
you.
Have self control
Stop whining
Set healthy boundaries.
Everybody feels like Nell at some point.
6
Nobody admits to being Snidely
Whiplash.
You know you’re a Snidely Whiplash
when you…
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Feel angry, critical, blaming, sarcastic, touchy,
and bossy.
Stuff your feelings of pain.
Accuse others of breaking rules.
Say things like, “There’s only one way to do
things, MY WAY!”
Don’t understand other’s feelings very well.
Think finding fault in others is being helpful.
To get out of the Snidely Whiplash role…
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Identify what you’re feeling
Learn to say calmly, “I’m feeling ____ ( sad, hurt,
criticized, angry, neglected, ignored, at risk).”
Give grace to yourself and others.
Develop empathy, “What are you feeling right
now?”
Stop trying to fix, advise, or correct others.”
7
Everybody thinks they’re being
Dudley Do Right!
You know you’re in the Dudley Do
Right role when you…
Feel worried, tired, pitying,
responsible for everyone
Are drawn to needy or wounded people (victims
like Nell!)
Give lots of unsolicited advice.
Don’t believe others can function without you.
Want to be needed.
Say things like, “If I’m not rescuing someone I’m
not a good person.”
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To get out of the Hero role….
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Don’t expect others to be dependent on you
Stop giving unsolicited advice
Let bullies and victims work out their conflicts
on their own.
Be available as coach but don’t let victims draw
you into their dependency.
Remember bullies may not mean to be bullies
but are feeling vulnerable and weak.
8
The victim _____________________
The hero ______________________
The bully _____________________
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