Comedy-Variety Writing Packet

Comedy-Variety Writing Packet:
“LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON”
Written By:
Jimmy T. Martin
Jimmy T. Martin
405 Park Ave.
Weehawken, NJ 07087
570-817-2745
[email protected]
www.jimmy-martin.com
@mayamojimmy
OUTLINE OF SUBMISSION PACKET
I.
Thank You Notes
II.
NEW Desk Pieces
III. Commercial Parody
IV.
Monologues Jokes
V.
NEW Audience Games
Thank You Notes
Thank you, YAWNS... For making people look like they’re screaming in
slow-motion.
Thank you, FIG LEAVES... For being the jock strap of Ancient Greece.
Thank you, LITTER... Or as New Yorkers call you, “Flowers”.
Thank you, CANDY CORN...For giving Rednecks a reason to eat vegetables.
Thank you, SWEET POTATOES... For being potatoes with a spray on tan.
Thank you, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN WHO SUDDENLY DECIDED TO BREAST FEED ACROSS
FROM ME... For showing me that breast-feeding only sucks if you're a
baby.
Thank you, SKINNY JEANS...For making normal size jeans feel extremely
self-conscious.
Thank you, UNTIED SHOELACES...For taking the time to come out and plan
my next trip.
Thank you, STARS, or as I like to call you “Sky Freckles”
Thank you, LICENSE PLATES, for being tramp stamps for cars.
NEW DESK PIECES
Late Night “Ex-Mas eCards”
• A special edition Christmas segment of “Late Night eCards”, where
Jimmy shows viewers the newest line of holiday eCards that you can
give to your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
(O)
(I)
PICTURE OF A FIREPLACE WITH TWO STOCKINGS
TEXT: “Warm Wishes...
To a cold hearted person who I thought I’d spend the rest of my
life with.
(O)
(I)
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day...
...You told me you were gay.
(O)
(I)
‘Tis the season to be jolly...
Now that I’m single...
“ODDSERVATIONS”:
• Jimmy asks viewers to submit captions to odd pictures that he
posts with Instagram on Twitter under the hashtag #oddservations
FOR EXAMPLE:
“It’s sad to see what unemployment has done to the Ooga Chaka Baby.”
COMMERCIAL PARODY: “BAD NEWS BEAR HEAD”
INT. BOSS'S OFFICE - DAY
A BOSS sits painfully behind his desk while an EMPLOYEE cries
hysterically in the chair in front of him.
(V.O.)
Giving bad news can be unbearable...
The Boss looks at the CAMERA and nods "Yes"
(V.O.)
Unless you got the—
CUT TO:
GRAPHIC: BAD NEWS BEAR HEAD
(V.O)
Bad News Bear Head!
CUT TO:
INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT – MOMENTS LATER
A MAN and a WOMAN sit happily at a table.
(V.O.)
Giving bad news is never fun.
But now it can be when you try this on for size!
The Man signals for the WAITER who brings the Bear Head on a SILVER
PLATTER. The Man takes the Bear Head and places it on his head.
(V.O.)
This costume will help you save face in virtually any place!
(V.O.)
Like romantic dinner breakups...
MAN
I think we should see other people.
WOMAN
(disbelief)
You're not serious?
MAN
Does it look like I'm joking?
CUT TO:
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-
MOMENTS LATER
A PATIENT is sitting on the EXAMINING TABLE. The DOCTOR walks in wearing
the BEAR HEAD.
(V.O.)
...or physical examinations.
DOCTOR
You have 6 months to live.
PATIENT
(annoyed)
You gotta be kidding me!
DOCTOR
I'm dead serious.
CUT TO:
INT. HALLOWEEN PARTY - NIGHT
A GENTLEMAN is wearing the Bear Head in a 70’s DISCO OUTFIT holding a
fake MICROPHONE and a RED SOLO CUP. He’s speaking to two partygoers
dressed as LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD and a MALE PIRATE.
(V.O.)
You can even use it as a clever Halloween costume!
GENTLEMAN
I’m “Beary” Gibb.
GRAPHIC: A PICTURE OF THE BEAR HEAD
SFX: BEAR ROAR
The graphic ZOOMS IN and OUT similar to the logo on the 1960's TV show
"BATMAN".
BACK TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
The Boss is behind his desk finishing up some PAPERWORK. Suddenly the
phone RINGS.
SFX: PHONE RINGING
(V.O.)
Your sanity is calling and now's
the time to answer.
The Boss confidently answers the phone.
BOSS
Yes? OK, send her right in.
He hangs up. Suddenly he reaches under his desk to grab the Bad News
Bear Head. He smiles at the camera before putting it on.
CUT TO:
GRAPHIC: BAD NEWS BEAR HEAD
(V.O.)
The Bad News Bear Head! A perfect
disguise for any bad news surprise.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
MONOLOGUE JOKES:
-A man dressed as Elmo was accused of yelling obscenities at children in
Central Park. People knew something was up when they saw Elmo tickling
himself.
-Kenny G and his wife of 20 years are filing for divorce. Despite their
differences, he hopes to end things on a high note. It’s a shame,
really. Divorce is never good. And according to his wife, neither was
the sax.
-Mike Tyson will be on Broadway next month debuting his one-man show
“Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth”. Tyson admitted that aside from boxing,
performing on Broadway is something he’s always wanted to sink his teeth
into.
-A town in Ireland just broke the Guinness world record for most nuns in
one place. The town was flooded with so many virgins you would have
thought it was Comic-con.
-A sports
where you
if you’re
home with
bar in Staten Island recently installed a crane machine game
patrons can play to win a lobster for dinner. But don’t worry,
not into playing games, you can still go to the bar and come
crabs.
-Scientists are suggesting that dinosaur flatulence may have caused
prehistoric global warming. Apparently the smell was so bad that even
Pangaea couldn’t be around it anymore.
-A man in Pennsylvania was given a DUI after he tried to high five the
officer that told him to turn his lights on. The officer kindly reminded
the man that in prison inmates don't do high fives...they just pound
each other.
-Chris Christie has stated that he may be ready to run for President in
2016. In four years time, the governor is certain that he’ll find a big
enough platform to stand on.
-A college student in Kansas found a bag of cocaine in a textbook that
she ordered from Amazon.com. When asked to rate her purchase, the woman
replied "I was nose deep after page 67.”
-Two men from Alabama recently started a company named Holy Smokes,
which takes cremated ashes and loads them into bullets. And if you think
that’s odd you should have seen their last business venture: Six Feet
Underwear.
-Congratulations to Neil Diamond, who recently tied the knot with his
manager this past weekend. Despite being married twice before, Neil
insists that this diamond will be forever.
NEW AUDIENCE GAMES:
“TAP THAT”
Rules: Audience members will perform a 15 second air tap dance routine
to pre-recorded tap dance sound effects. A slow motion re-cap will
highlight big moments for each contestant’s performance. In the end, the
audience will vote to see who “tapped it” the best.
Prizes: The winner will receive their very own pair of Late Night With
Jimmy Fallon tap shoes, while the other two contestants receive a free
tap dance class at Broadway Dance Center.
(NOTE: The Roots will open with the theme song arranged in the likeness
of the song “Smack That” By: Akon.)
“KISS AND TELL”
Rules: Audience members will be challenged to perform several kissoriented challenges. Each contestant will spin a large bottle and land
on a variety of kiss oriented challenges labeled on the Sharp 108. Some
challenges include:
•
Locking lips with a life-size poster of either David Hasselhoff
(for female contestants) or Courtney Love (for the male
contestants) for 15 seconds while the song “Kiss You All Over” by
Exile plays in the background.
•
Having a 15 second Eskimo kiss with a Late Night writer dressed as
a horny Eskimo.
•
Get kissed repeatedly on the cheek for 15 seconds by two writers
(John Haskell and Arthur Meyer) who are dressed up as butterflies
while the song “Butterfly kisses” plays in the background.
Prizes: Contestants will receive their very own Late Night With Jimmy
Fallon bottle to spin, chapstick (“kiss those chapped lips goodbye”) or
a box of Hershey kisses.
“TEXT AND HOLD ‘EM”
Rules: Jimmy leads this audience game as a tight pants wearing cowboy
named TY PENTS, who challenges four contestants to a simulated “texting
shootout” on their cell phones. Two contestants will compete at a time
to see who can text out the humorously challenging multi-sentence first.
All contestants must begin and end the challenge with their hands up.
The winners of the two separate rounds will then face each other in an
even more humorous multi-sentence sentence showdown.
Prizes: The winner will receives a “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” cowboy
hat or cell phone holster.