What I Learned from John Travolta

Wisconsin Post Adoption
Resource
Centers
The Catholic Charities
Post Adoption
Resource Centers are funded by a grant from the Wisconsin Department of Children & Family Services.
What I Learned from John Travolta
NEWS
Winter, 2014 Issue
www.parc.cclse.org
By: Debra Delulio Jones, M.ED
Would you mind not shooting
at the thermonuclear
weapons?” John Travolta’s
character, Deakins, demands
through gritted teeth in the
movie, Broken Arrow.
Parents who live with a child
of trauma may have experienced a similar sentiment
when correcting their child. If
you launch an attack you are
sure to get a near nuclear
reactive melt-down, even over
something as simple as asking
the child to put on his shoes.
For years, such meltdowns
were a way of life with our
internationally adopted son,
Dane.
Help came when we met Dr.
Karyn Purvis and Dr. David
Cross, now of the Institute of
Child Development at Texas
Christian University. Their
model, Trust-Based Relational
Intervention® (TBRI®), is
being taught world-wide to
both parents and professionals
in homes, schools, orphanages
and residential treatment
facilities to help children
who’ve experienced neglect,
abuse and/or trauma. Our son
is one of many kids who
learned to trade his maladaptive fight-flight-freeze
strategies for healthier ways of
getting his needs met and
expressing his emotions.
But it’s not the intent of this
article to talk so much about
the kids, but about us — the
parents. Once my husband,
Alan, and I learned that
Dane’s behaviors were a result
of differences in brain development, attachment,
neurochemistry and sensory
processing, we assumed the
huge responsibility of changing our parenting methods. We
could no longer approach behavioral meltdowns with
punishment or even logical
consequences. How can you
expect logic from a child who
is operating in the primitive
part of his brain and at that
point in time has no access to
logic or rational thought
processing?
We had to understand that just
like with a newborn, our job
was to meet his needs and help
his brain develop the ability to
self-regulate. That would only
come through much repetition,
being emotionally present, and
building the trust that should
have been built in his first year
of life with safe, nurturing
parents. It was like rehab for
all of us.
For a complete understanding
of the TBRI® model, you may
purchase the Trust-Based
Parenting: Creating Lasting
Changes in Your child’s
behavior DVD atwww.child.tcu.edu. One of the
most important strategies of
the TBRI® model that Alan
and I learned was Level 3
Calming Engagement. If
Calming Engagement was
anything for us, it was
counterintuitive. I mean it’s
just not normal to keep my
mouth shut and stay calm
while my child is screaming at
me in an out-of-control rage.
But this is what we learned to
do for the sake of our child’s
healing.
We had to grasp that while
Dane was in survival mode
(and for him it was always
fight), if we stayed focused on
the behavioral outcome
with a lot of lecturing or
instructions rather than soothing his distress, we only
prolonged his rage and
escalated a small problem into
a BIG one . . . thus, the
analogy of not shooting at
a thermonuclear weapon.
You can only teach and
instruct while the child is operating in the pre-frontal cortex
of his brain. In other words,
while he is calm and can think.
Anything else is futile and
further escalates the child who
is already in a fear-based primal state.
I now teach parents throughout
the country how to implement
the TBRI® model with their
own children-think
supernanny without the
naughty chair. You can learn
more about the services I offer
atwww.parentingadopteescantru
st.com.
In my work, one of the most
(continued on page 2)
The Wisconsin Post Adoption
Resource Centers are located at:
Northeastern Region:
Family Services of NE Wisconsin,
Inc.
300 Crooks Street
Green Bay, WI 54301
Phone: 800-998-9609/x1264
Western Region:
Catholic Charities
of the Diocese of La Crosse
3710 East Ave.
La Crosse, WI 54601
Phone: 608-782-0710
Catholic Charities
of the Diocese of La Crosse
448 N. Dewey Street
Eau Claire, WI 54703
Phone: 715-832-6644
Northern Region:
Catholic Charities
of the Diocese of La Crosse
540 South 3rd Ave.
Wausau, WI 54401
Phone: 715-849-3311
Southeastern Region:
Adoption Resources of
Wisconsin
6682 W. Greenfield Ave.
Suite 310
Milwaukee, WI 53214
Phone: 800-762-8063
Southern Region:
Catholic Charities
of the Diocese of Madison
1810 S. Park Street, Suite 200
Madison, WI 53713
Phone: 888-236-4673
What I Learned from John Travolta (continued)
common mistakes I see is that parents
often inadvertently escalate meltdowns
— even parents who are quite
familiar with TBRI® and are applying
the principles, but at the wrong time with
the wrong tone and body language.
Often this is because they fail to see the
low level signs of distress in their child
such as dilated pupils, stiffened muscles, change in voice tone, or facial
expression. This can happen so fast that
it is easy to miss.
In the parents’ attempt to correct the
behavior, they may raise their voices,
repeat an instruction, or push for compliance only to have a full-blown eruption
into a meltdown. At that point we must
remember that a flood of excitatory
neurotransmitters has hijacked our child.
It can take 20 minutes or more for the
calming neurotransmitters to overtake
the excitatory flood.
Parents get stuck because the child
hasn’t obeyed, and they often keep insisting on a re-do. Re-dos are an
important part of TBRI®, but if the
parent pushes for it at the wrong time,
the child will not be successful. So
here’s an example of how this plays out
in real life with a
made-up child named Max. We’ll start
with the “shooting at the nuclear weapon” example. Let’s face it — we’ve all
done it!
Mom: “Max, it’s time to stop playing X
Box and get ready for bed.”
Max: “No! I’m not finished with my
game.” (loudly, with fists clenched and
angry face)
Mom: “You always argue when it’s time
for bed! I said time for bed, NOW!
Max: “I hate you! You never let me do
anything and you’re not my real
mother!”
Mom: “You get over here right now and
we’re going to have a re-do. Stop being
so disrespectful and you ask me nicely if
you can have a compromise.”
Max then erupts into a screaming, raging
fit and has to be physically contained
because he threw the X Box controller
and is now hitting and kicking his
mother.In this example the mom missed
that she should have moved to Level 3
— Calming Engagement at the first sign
of distress when the child got mouthy
and had his fists clenched. She might
have averted the whole scene if she’d
started with a choice and making bedtime predictable in the first place such
as, “Max, it’s almost bedtime. Would
you like 5 more or 10 more minutes with
your X Box?” But let’s say Max still
reacted with the angry tone and clinched
fists. At that point the mom should move
to Calming Engagement and
momentarily put aside her goal of getting the child to bed. (I know you’re
thinking that he’s going to be late to bed,
but if this erupts into a meltdown, he’ll
be even later. I always say, “Pay now or
pay severely later!”) It is vital that
she stay regulated herself with deep
breathing and u sing a calm voice. Remember our brains have mirror neurons,
so you want the child’s brain mirroring
your calm state, not your
“other” state. Mom may need to even
wait a few minutes before speaking.
Then she can say something like, “Max,
looks like you’re really disappointed.
Can you take a few deep breaths
and then you can tell me what’s going
on? I’ll give you some time to think
about it.” Rather than feeling threatened,
Max now feels his mom is empathetic
and is there to help solve the problem.
Slightly flooded with excitatory neurotransmitters, Max seems to ignore
her for a few minutes. Rather than get
mad, the mom waits for him to calm, but
stays in close proximity demonstrating
that she is in this for as long as it takes
and won’t give up on him. In a few
minutes Max tells her that it’s really hard
for him to stop when he’s in the middle
of a game. They calmly talk about a solution. She models for him how he can
ask for a compromise and suggests that
tomorrow he can start playing 15
minutes earlier so it won’t run into
bedtime. Once he is calm and no longer
feeling threatened, the mom asks for a re
-do. They go back to the same scenario
and role-play how it should have gone.
Mom: “Max, it’s time to stop playing X
Box and get ready for bed.”
Max: “Mom, I’m in the middle of a
game. May I have a compromise?”
Mom: “Sure. What did you have in
mind?”
Max: “May I have 10 more minutes to
finish this round?”
Mom: “OK, here’s the deal. You may
have 10 more minutes, but when the
timer goes off, you go get ready for bed
right away with no arguing. Deal?”
Max: “Deal!”
It won’t always be wrapped up this
neatly and quickly, but with practice
both the child and parent learn how to
stay calm and return to a place of connection and playfulness. In my
experience, when parents calmly and
confidently take charge of meltdowns
without escalating behaviors, within
days they see a decrease in the
frequency, duration and intensity of
episodes. According to my friend and
mentor, Dr. Purvis, “Knowing that
developing brains are altered by prenatal
and postnatal risk — and being aware
that brains drive behaviors, the
informed parent is prepared to deal
effectively with survival behaviors
through connection, compassion and
insight!”So Mom or Dad, next time
things are getting a bit heated, remember
not to shoot at the thermonuclear
weapons with your mouth. Children
make the most mistakes when
dysregulated. Parents make the most
mistakes when dysregulated.
Child and parent both dysregulated =
BOOM!
To Learn more about Dr. Karen
Purvis’ Trust Based Parenting model
check out the 4 week workshop that
is being offered at Jacob’s Well
Church in Chippewa Falls. Don’t
miss this great opportunity to learn
how to implement Trust based
parenting strategies in your own
home. Want to try something new,
regular strategies are not working
with your child? This class will really help you to understand the traumatized child and how they see the
world around them. See the flyer on
page four for more information.
Thank You
A big thank you goes out to Jayda and Zoe Wirtz! They
donated 38 fleece tied blankets for our forever family bags! Thanks for your hard work, these will
surely be loved.
Upcoming Adoption Trainings and
Events
(continued on page 2)
Birth Parent Support Group
Thursday, January 23rd
6:00 pm
Java Vino’s Conference Room
La Crosse, WI
Join us for a support group to
talk with other birthparents who
have placed a child for
adoption. This group is an
opportunity to meet others, hear
their stories, share your own
and feel supported.
Open to all birthparents
regardless of agency used or
type of adoption.
RSVP to Magen Duffy if you
plan to attend
[email protected] or
608-782-0710 ext.223.
Teen Support Group
Monday, January 27th
6:00-7:00 pm
Onalaska Public Library
Onalaska, WI
Are your teens looking to find a
group that is just like them? Do
they need to talk about adoption
or foster care?
Join us at the Onalaska Public
Library for a night of pizza and
group fun. We will talk, do
team building, and there will be
a short video and discussion.
RSVP to Magen Duffy if your
teen will be attending.
608-782-0710 ext. 223 or
[email protected]
Mom’s Night Out
La Crosse area
Thursday, January 30th
6:00 pm
Buffalo Wild Wings
Onalaska, WI
Monday, March 24th
6:00 pm
Los Tres Compadres
Downtown La Crosse, WI
Join us for a mom’s night out,
come enjoy the company of
other adoptive and pre adoptive
mom’s. A great opportunity to
get out, and meet others who’s
families were created through
adoption.
RSVP to Magen at
608-782-0710 ext. 223 or
[email protected]
Mom’s Night Out
Eau Claire Area
Thursday, January 30th
6:00 pm
Cancun (Highland Ave)
Eau Claire, WI
Join Catholic Charities Post
Adoption Resource Center for
an evening of connecting with
other adoptive moms. Share you
story and ask your questions.
It’s a night to meet others who
have formed their families
through adoption.
For more information or to
RSVP contact Chrisy at
715-832-6644 ext. 18 or email
[email protected].
Teen Support Group
Monday, February 24th
6:00-7:00 pm
Location to be Determined
Are your teens looking to find a
group that is just like them? Do
they need to talk about adoption
or foster care?
RSVP to Magen Duffy if your
teen will be attending.
608-782-0710 ext. 223 or
[email protected]
Mom’s Night Out
Thursday, March 6th
5:30 pm
Stage Stop Restaurant
Mosinee, WI
Join Catholic Charities Post
Adoption Resource Center for
an evening of connecting with
other adoptive moms. Share you
stories and ask questions. It’s a
night to meet others who have
formed their families through
adoption.
For more information or to
RSVP contact Anne at
715-849-3311 or email
[email protected]
Save The Date:
Saturday, March 8th
Peace Church
Eau Claire, WI
Western Wisconsin Advocates
for Adoption (WWAA) will be
holding a conference for
adoptive families in the Eau
Claire Area on Sensory Processing Disorder featuring
Speaker Nancy Lawton-Shirley.
Upcoming Adoption Trainings and Events
Preserving Your Child’s
Culture in International
Adoption
March Date TBD
6:00-8:00 pm
Onalaska Public Library
Onalaska, WI
Presented by Korean Adult
Adoptee and UW-La Crosse
Professor Sara
Docan-Morgan.
Don’t miss this great
opportunity to hear Sara share
her story about growing up as a
Korean adoptee. Sara will also
talk about the importance of
keeping your child’s culture
alive; and share the things she
has learned throughout the years
that she believes are very
important for young adoptees
and their parents to know.
This workshop is FREE to all.
RSVP by Monday, March 24th
to Magen at [email protected]
or 608-782-0710 ext. 223.
Birth Parent Support Group
Thursday, March 27th
6:00 pm
Java Vino
La Crosse, WI
Join us for a support group to
talk with other birthparents who
have placed a child for
adoption. Open to all
birthparents regardless of
agency used or type of
adoption.
RSVP to Magen Duffy if you
plan to attend
[email protected] or
608-782-0710 ext.223.
Trust-Based Parenting
4 Week Workshop
March 27th-April 17th
5:30-8:30 pm
Jacob’s Well Church
Chippewa Falls, WI
This 4 week training is
designed to help parents to
work with their children who
have experienced relationshipbased trauma. This is a great
class to learn a new strategy for
working with your children.
For more information see the
flyer on Page 4 or contact
Christy at [email protected] or
715-832-6644 ext. 18.
Save the Date!
Trust Based Parenting
Intervention Conference
Friday, April 25th
Wausau, WI
This training will be presented
by Christy Reppe and Jennifer
Kastner from The Catholic
Charities Post Adoption
Resource Center who have been
trained by Dr. Karyn Purvis in
the TBRI method. This is a
great training for both parents
and professionals to attend.
Learn new ways to work with
children who come from
difficult pasts.
Watch for more information in
the month to come.
Save the Date!
The Catholic Charities Post
Adoption Resource Presents
the 2nd Annual Easter
Egg-Stravaganza
Saturday, April 19th
10:00-Noon
Catholic Charities Building
3710 East Avenue South
La Crosse, WI
Save The Date:
The Catholic Charities Post
Adoption Resource Presents:
Don’t miss this great family fun
event! Join us for an Easter Egg
hunt, games, crafts, door prizes, snacks and a special visit
from the Easter Bunny!
Join us for an informational
conference featuring Paul
Gasser, M.S./L.M.F.T. as he
presents on strategies to work
with difficult children. Paul is a
marriage and family therapist
that has many years of
experience working with
adopted children.
This conference will touch base
on why children often act out,
and Paul will focus highly on
strategies both parents and
workers can use to work with
these children.
This years hunt may be outside
if weather is permitting so dress
accordingly, but if the weather
is bad we will move inside!
For more information or to
RSVP contact Magen at
[email protected] or 608-7820710 ext. 223
Positive Solutions for
Difficult Kids
Friday, May 2nd
9:00-4:00 pm
Bethany Church
La Crosse, WI
Upcoming Events
Come Join us for some great speakers, trainings and family fun
Date/Time:
Event
Thursday, January 23rd Birth Parent Support Group. Java
6:00 pm
Vino, La Crosse, WI.
Monday, January 27th
6:00-7:00 pm
Other information
For more information or to RSVP contact
Magen Duffy.
Teen Support Group. Onalaska Public Teens join us for pizza and meeting new
Library, Onalaska, WI
friends. RSVP to Magen Duffy.
Thursday, January 30th Mom’s Night Out-Buffalo Wild
6:00 pm
Wings, Onalaska, WI
Meet us up front at 6:00 pm for a night
of great conversation. RSVP to Magen.
Thursday, January 30th Mom’s Night Out-Cancun Restaurant Come join other mom’s for great food and
6:00 pm
on Highland, Eau Claire, WI
discussion. RSVP to Christy Reppe.
Thursday, March 6th
5:30 pm
Mom’s Night Out-Stage Stop Restaurant, Mosinee, WI.
Come join other mom’s for great food and
discussion. RSVP to Anne Rozeboom.
Saturday, March 8th
All day event
Western Wisconsin Advocates for
The topic is on Sensory Processing feaAdoption Conference, Eau Claire, WI turing speaker Nancy Lawton-Shirley.
Thursday, March date
TBD 6:00-8:00 pm
Preserving Your Child’s Culture in In- Join adult Korean Adoptee Sara Docanternational Adoption, Onalaska, WI. Morgan as she speaks, RSVP to Magen.
Thursdays, March 27th- Trust Based Parenting 4 week trainApril 17th. 5:30-8:30
ing. Chippewa Falls, WI
4 week training for parents. $10 per person for 4 week session. RSVP to Chrsity.
Saturday, April 19th
10:00-Noon
Easter Egg-Stravaganza, Catholic
Charities Building, La Crosse, WI.
Don’t miss this fun Easter Celebration.
RSVP to Magen Duffy.
Friday, April 25th
Trust Based Parenting Conference,
Wausau, WI
This conference will focus on the TBRI
method. For more info. Contact Anne.
Friday, May 2nd
9:00-4:00 pm
Positive Solutions for Difficult kids
Conference, La Crosse, WI.
Featuring Therapist Paul Gasser. For
more information contact Magen Duffy.
To Learn more or to register for these events please see the information in the newsletter
or call:
Anne : 715.849.3311, Magen: 608.782.0710 x223,
Christy: 715.832.6644 x18, Lorrin: 715.832.6644 x19
www.parc.cclse.org
3710 East Ave So
La Crosse, WI
54601
Meet the Faces of The Post Adoption
Resource Center
Anne Rozeboom
Post Adoption Specialist
Wausau
Christy Reppe
Post Adoption Specialist
Eau Claire
Magen Duffy
Post Adoption Specialist
La Crosse
Lorrin Pekarske
Post Adoption Specialist
Eau Claire