the Film Guide

rILM GTJIDr
Dad; ond f-Jer Tarnilq.
L,/
A Ru ral ftfoth er-,in*Law
in No*h Ind;o
?aftof th. South Asian Docum entarg fil* Series,
Presented bg the university o|Wiscon sin-frtadison
Cente , {or South Asia
DADI AND
FAMILY:
A RURAL MOTHER.IN-Lq,W IN NORTH INDIA
FTER
Film Guide
Guide heparation:
Jo*ph W. Elder, with the
assistancc
Michael Cam,erini, Rina Gil\ Chery|
G*ff, and hamod Mathw
Date:
Running time:
ftrndiag:
1991 (Fitmed
of
in ISSO)
45 minutes
National Endowment for the Humaniries,
tlre Smitfiso nian I rctttution Foreixn
hogranq the Universitl af
lyrenq
Wllrottsin- Madison Oficc of
International Studies and nograms. lhe
flm and the ftm gtide do noi
l*_*"^Iy refl.ed the :news of the
fundh1 agencies.
Fseartive hoducer:
Produccrs:
Joxph W. Ed,er
Miehael C,amerini and James LftacDonald.
Worldview hoduaiorc
Direction and Witing:
Assrstant Diredor:
C-amera:
Sound..
Ed;itor:
Special
Thank:
Inquiries:
tlirhael Camerini, Rrnc GiIl
Sumita Mehta
hamod. Mathtr, Michaet &me'irni
Chrryl Groff
Judith Benensn
Dr. Anandlaftshmi Dr. Vina Mantmdar,
Dr. Airulie Embree, Haqrana Towisnl
the Government of India
Distribution ffice
Ceruerfor Sowh Asio
203 Ingraham
Hall
II55 Observanry Dive
Unive rcity of Wb consi n- M odis on
Madison, WI 53ffi
(608) 262-n24
(ffig) ?52-3?n9
Dadi and Her Familv
SYNOPSIS
Wornen in Development
This fih focuses on a grandmottrer (Dadi) in a Jal
farm family in the state of }Iaryan4 in Norrh India
Dadi is commitred to Feserving lrcr family
consisting of her husband, her sons, her daughters_
in-law, and her grandchildren, all sharing their
income and tlreir expenses. The tilm shows lhe
day-to-day existence of the tamily-drawing water
from the well; cutring sugarcane in the fields and
stripping the leaves for fodder, preparing meals,
feeding the children, tending and milking the waler
buffalos, plowing the fields, preparing sweets for a
wedding feast, singing and dancing in celebrarion of
a marriage, quarreling, aguing, and relaxingDuring the film, Dadi contrasts the betravior of
daughten-in-law today with daughters-in-law in her
day in terms of demeanor, dress, and obedience.
She organizes the household work as well as lhe
household play. She discusses the importance of
equality and even-hardedness in the management of
household affairs. She criticizes family planningAnd she observes, and comments on, lhe ultimate
dependence of women on men to whom they are
given" She and ttre olher members of her family
talk about the dangers posed to the family ard ia
surviyal as a single economic entity by the marriage
of Dadi's youngest son to a coUege+ducated
woman. If the couple decide not to share their
income, that could begin to unravel the family's
economy and lhe family's securify. Dadi and her
family recognize, but cannot control, lhe many
constant forces holding the family togelher as well
as thneatening to break up the family and to divide
and separate the family properfy.
INFORMATION DETAILS OF THE FILM
(Note -- The questions are arranged in the sequence
in which tlre fifm presents the relevant material)
l. Y9bat instrument is tbe musician playing in
tbe court;rard of Dadi's house?
The irsfument is a rrariant of the dilruba, a bowed
instrument with a fretboard, not entirely unlike a
western violin. The musician e:uns a subsistence
living by walking from village to viltage, rypically
playing and singing in the courtyards of honres and
collecting a few coins or some food in relurn-
2. Wbat
does Dadi mean when sbe says, 'Wben
our sons marrJr, tbe daugbters-inJaw come and
live here, in this house. Our daughterq tbey
marrJr and move away,'
Throughout most of India bridqs leave lhe homes
in which they were brought up and move into their
husbands' home.s after lhe marriage ceremonies
have been conrplefed- hr l.Iorth India as a result of
the way marriages re arranged, brides typically
also leave their own vitlages and go to live in their
husbands' villages. Distirrtions between "the
I was born" and 'the village into
which I maried" remain important throughout a
village into which
woman's life-
3- Wnat ls the signifrcance of Dadi's statement,
'Today tbe times are such tbat in front of ber
husband's motber, her busband's father, in front
of his elder brother, his younger brotber--in
front of everybody-,a womatr leaves ber fact
SUGGESTED USE
Cultural An0uopology
People.s and Cultrnes
2
of South Asia
Family, Kin, ard Community
Cultural Change
Inboductory Sociology
ldarriage and Famity
Sociological Perspectives on'Women
Civilizations of India
Comparative Rrr-al Societies
Sex Differences, Sex Roles and Society
Social Sfucture of India
Sociological Perspectives on the Life Cqrse and
Aging
Sociology of Econornic Change
Women in Cross-Societal Perspective
unyeiled-'
In 1980, when this film was made, it was
cugomary for rural wornen in this section of India
to show "proper respecf for their elders in "lhe
village into which they manied" by covering their
faces wilh $reir head slrawls when in tle presence
of ttrcse elders. In different scenes of this film, one
sees women with their faces covered (e-g,, when
they are going to the well or standing outside the
house in a virllage sEeet), indicating tlrat this
manner of -proper respect" was still being obsewed
al lhe time of ttre filming. Dadi's comments are
based on her impression that women are bss
conscientious about covering their faces and
showing "proper respect" than they used to be-
Dodi snd Her Family
4. Why is Dadi concerned about the fact tbat.
'(Ioday) wives
eat with their husbands"
In 1980, when this film was made, it was
cus0omary for women in lhis section of India to
wait until their husbands had frnished eating before
they themselves ate any food. In this way,
husbands were assured of having all ttrey wanted to
eat- They were also shown deference and respecL
Dadi's comment reflects her opinion that women
today don't show respect the way they used to
when she was young. The only time the film crew
observed a couple eating together was when
Rajindar and Kanta the newlyweds, ate alone
upstairs during the first few days after their
wedding.
5.
How literal is Dadi wben sbe sa;ns, "If our
mother-in-law complained to her sonr ryour wife
doesn't do such and suchr' tben we'd be beaten."
Altlrough "beaten" may carry strong connotations, it
is probably true lhat Dadi was stapped across the
face s back by her husband in the same marmer in
which a parent might slap a child- When Dadi first
carne to the village, she was a young girl of about
sixleen. Her husband was about twenty-six. In
many ways her in-laws viewed her as sfll a child--
in ne€d of an occasional slap or qpanking in order
to learn how to behave appropriately. In such
instances, her husband and her mother-in-law would
collaborate in the disciplining- A woman who has
strong ties with her family of birth is less
susceptible to being beaten than a women who does
not have such support from her family. AIso, after
a woman has a son, she is less likely to be b€aten.
While lhe flm crew were in tlre village, a daughterin-law to one of Dadi's neighbms was frequen0y
beaten by her husband, which generated a good deal
of gossip in fts yitlrge-
6- Why do the women appear to be so animated
and cbeerful while going fo the well to draw
water?
Attlnugh drawing water from the well can be a
laborious job, women from the same or neighboring
households often make it into a prime social
occasion. They wait until a nurnber of them can
free themselves from other obligations, and then
they proceed together with their vessels to the well.
For the,laughters-in-law especially, drawing water
from the well provides one of the few excursions
3
out of the house and away from the potentially
corstantly critical eyes of one's mc{her-inJaw. By
going to the well as a group, each woman must
wait for all the o{hers to fill their vessels before
they refurn as a group. This extends the time each
is free from the confines of her home.
7. Do the terms 'Dadi' and .Saas' conyey any
more meaning in Haryani Hindi than do their
English translations as 'Grandmother' and
"Mother-in-Law'?
Hindi (including its variant spoken in llaryana)
often conveys kinship informalion beyond its simple
English translation. Thus, "Dadi" achrally msms
"Grandrnolher-on-Father's-Side." One calls one's
grandmother on one's mother's side "Nani-"
Within the North Indian family system, the role of
paternal-Grandmother ("Dadi) is different from
the role of maternal$randmother ("Nani"); fhe
different terms help accentuate the differences. The
lerm "Saas" lechnically means "Mother-in-Law,"
and can be used for either lhe wife's "Molher-in-
I-aw" or the husband's "Mother-in-I:w." However,
the role of tlre wife's "Mother-in-I-aw" is much
mme prominent in a fypical Nsth Indian household
than is the role of the husbarxl's "Mother-in-[aw,.
if only because married couples typically live with
the husband's molher, i.e., the wife's "mother,inlaw." When songs are sung about 3 "ga.rs," thg
term almost invariably refers to a wife's 'Motherin-I-aw." As the frlm illustrates, the "Mother-inI-awfDaughler-in-I-aw" relationship is central
within a typical North Indian enlarged family. By
contrast, the "Mdher-in-I-aw"f Son-in-Iaw"
relafionship hardly exists in |.{srth Indie. IVls51
wife's mothers nevsr come to visit their son-inlaw's family. In certain cases, il they do, they may
not eat their son-in-law's food. In most families in
the United States, the "Mother-in-I-aw'f Daughterin-I-aw" relationship has little relevance.
hdi ottd Hcr Famil1r
8. What would e kinship chert of Dgdi's familv
look like?
-Dada' 'Dsdi'
Swaruplal Muoori
(56?)
Q02)
A-O
Anguri
(3t
Meherlal
(40)
I
A
o =aNarain
Ranjil
(37)
Saroj Jai
(u)
oar OA
Darsbani
(36)
3 sons
daugbter
Mohindcr
(32)
a3)
cborcs and tcnds
G5)
Anpri. Sami. and
Saraswati, tbb dauchters
of tbe family, bavJ
I daugbrcr
frclds and docs
hcavy farm wort
(n)
Kaota
2 soos
Motrinden Plows
cattlc
(26)
(Newlyrrcds)
Meherlal: Ciot drunk,
lostlrb, my does
Rajindar
(36)
O=A
Saraswati Balwan
marricd ad movcd to
their busbands' villascs-
are
Rqiindar:.hrs
Thcirchildrea
graduatcd &om
collegc, currcotly
coosidercd to bc
ucrnploycd
-
mcobcrs of their
in:lawJ familics and
villagcs.
9. What is the family cutting in the field?
They are cuUing down sugarcane and shipping its
leaves for cafile fodfu. The cane is eventually
crushed for its sugan. It can also be chewed in its
na0ral state as a kind of snack. Bolh Darshini and
Sita are chewing $tgarcane drning some of their
interviews-
Dedl end Her Famlly
10. How frre fu Sita's stat€ment, alobody
listens to their mothers-inJaw auyrmore-'
fu the fitm illusrates, Dadi, the mother-inJaw,
is still a very powerfrd person in her extended
family. She and Dada receive all the eamed
income and apportion all rhe e4pendirures. And
Dadi supervises the kitchen and the disciplining
of the children. In her statement here, Sita is
contrasting the authority mothers-in-law uscd to
have with the authority they have today and is
.
expressing the opinion that the authority of
morhers-in-law has generally declined during
the past generation. This is an opinion that
Dadi shares.
11. Why is Dada using no utensils when he
eats?
It is customary throughout India for people to
eat wi*r their right hands. Tlpicaly, the hand
is washed before and after the meal. Many
Hindus believe that eating utensils are
'polluting,' since they go into the mouths of a
v-ariery of people. One's hand, by conEast, goes
only into one's own mouth. When Dada has
finished eating, Dadi brings him a brass tumbler
of water so that he can rinse offhis hand. Note
that Dadi does not sit and eat wirh her husband
while he is eating. Confast this with a later
sceng when Sita and her husband, Mohindar,
sit together in the field while Mohindar eats.
This represents something of a generatioqal
difference.
12.
t,?ical
13. what rnighr be rhe significance of Dada
adding thc statement at the end of his lirt of
frmily members,'I atso have trree daughter
and two granddaughters-'
There are several interesting elemenB abour
how Dada descrr-bes his family. He begins by
listing his sons and grandsons. Then he
- mentions Dadi and his daughrers-in-law. Only
then does he mention his rhree daughtens (who
haye married and are living in their husbands,
villages) and his nvo granddaughters (who will,
presumably, someday marry and leave for their
husbands' rnllages)- And Dada doesnt emn
mention five grandsons and three
granddaughters who are his daughters, ch:lldren
and are living in their farhers'villages. In a
certain sense, those grandchildren belong to
other people's families rather than to his family,
even though they are his grandchildren- That
may be why he does not mention them.
The room in which Dada and his sons are
sining (a baithalc or'sirdng place) is especially
reserved for the men of the family- When the
men in Dadi's family are done with their field
work or other chores, they come to the baithak
to rest on the string cots and smoke and ctrat
until they are called to the main secrion of the
house for meals- In Dadi's household, the
baifrak is not even attached to rhe rest of the
house but is around the corner and down the
street. The existence of the baifrak means that
the men in Dadls family spend mosr of rheir
time with the orher men of the family (in the
fu ir in an extended family Uke
sons to have deanlydelineated
tasks-such as doing fte cbores, plowing and
going to tie ciry?
baiftak), while the women of the family spend
most of theA dme with the ot}er women of the
family (in the kitchen and rhe main house).
Fathers frequendy decide, while their sons are
still young, what sorts of tasks their sons are
particularly suited for- It is quite common for a
father to select one son (not necessarily the
oldest) to whom he teaches the basic farming
skills, and to encourage the other sons to
develop skills that will supplement, rarher than
compete with, the farming skills- This is seen
as one way of reducing friction within the
farnfiy op€rate?
Ftrow
h&'s forfre
family.
14- How
does the economyof an etended
Dadi describes how the economy of an extended
family operares in her followingstatemenc .It
isn't that everybody conributes to the famiy,
and rhen *rey have to pay personal expenses
out of their own pocket- Everybody gives us
their earnings. Then whenever someone needs
something, whefher it's so much money or so
much cloth, we'll get it for them. That's the
benefit of a large family--. ' Dadi acknowledges
Drdl end Her Femlly
thag unless family mpmbers perceive evenhandedness in rhe distriburion of bene6ts, dre
family can split up, with each married couple
deciding to live on its own incomc. Much of
the responsibillty for even-handedness resB widt
Dadi To quote her again: ? good mother-inlaw nanages the whole household, and reag
ever56ody tbe same. Wirhout a mother-inJaw
there's no order in the house, and the family
doesnt stay together.'
15. Wbat sortr of evenB
rry of a r..rc-ded faln$y
tcparatc bouschol&?
ca tiggcr 6. breatod itr divilion im
Dodi snd Hcr Family
Throughout history, extended families have
periodically broken up into separate households.
There are several "nanral' dividing times for an
extended family, for example, when $e mother-in_
law dies r becomes irrapacitated- On rare
occasions it is possible fu the eldest daughter_inlaw l,o step into trer mofher-inJaw's position ard
continue lo run tlre househotd Fintly. But what
generally happens in such circumstances is rl,at
'non-natrral- division of tlre family: quarrels
between sons or between daughten_in_Lw;
decisions by one or more households 0o "secede"
from fte exterded family for econornic or o(her
rcastxts; a quarrel bef,veen a daughter_in_law
and a
motber-in-law. possibilities for the .non_nahrral.
di_usion of lhe family are mentioned throughout
lhe
frlm: in the songs sung during ttrc weddin-s
celebrations, in Darshani's argument Un
erch son sets up a separate household, and erch
former daughter-in-law becornes x1 6tn^t (of
potential) mother-in-law in her own household_
Another "natural'dividing time occurs when the
parirch dies, and the mother-in-law becomes a
widow. Becoming a widow reduces her from a
position of authority and respect to a pcition of
6aO, in
Dadi's critbisms of Sita, and in many people,s.
comrnents about Rajindar's and Kanta,, rno.iug"
tt* probability that rhey will "secede" from
Td
the
family.
16- IVhere in India is tbe state of Haryana?
misfortme. She generalty declares
herdependence upon one ofher soru (often the
weakness and
In 1966 the hrnjabi- and Hindi_speaking tenitories
northwest of Delhi (India's capital) were separated
youngqst). And at that time her sons and
daughters-in-law may separate into their own
households. The'natural. dividing times,
into two states, hrnjab and Haryana Sime'l%6
they have shared the common cqpiht city of
occasioned by death tr incapacity, can be haumatic.
Even mse traumatic can be evenls that higger the
ChandiSarh. The village in which OaOi LrO frer
family live is located near the town of Rohtak
map) in Ilarfdna
PEOPI.E'S REPI]BLIC OF CHINA
*?*tY.,
/ \
/ nontat\)
ITARYANA
oeni
BANGLA-
Calcutta
BAY OFBENGAL
I\{adras
(see
Dadi and Her Family
17. How has farm output in Haryana doubled in
ten years?
The main reason for the doubling of farm output
over a ten-year period was the infoduction of new
high-yield varieties of wheaL To produce high
yields, lhese varieties require considerable inputs of
water and fertilizer. Since many of the farms in
Haryana are close to canal and tubewell irrigation,
and since many of the farmers in the area had
sufficient means to afford additional fertilizer, lhe
high-yield varieties of wheat were able to double
farm productivity over a ten-year perid-
18. Iilho are the Jats? And what is a caste
grotlp?
The English lerm "caste" usualty refers to some
variant of what is called thnoughout India jati ("jotee,' literally: group into which one is bon).
Several million people spread across much of North
India (including what is now Pakistan) call
themselves members of the Jat "caste' or birth
8roup. Not all Jats are Hindus- There are Muslim
Jats, many of whom live in Pakistan. There are
Sikh Jats, many of whom live in the Indian state of
Punjab. And there arc Hindu Jats like Dadi and her
tamily, many of whom are concentrated in the sare
of llaryana or are spread across the Nuth Indian
state of Uttar Pradesh. Most Jats claim to be
descended frorn Jat rulers of the 17th and l8th
centu'ies. Today they think of themselves as hardworking farmers. In fact, they often assert that lhey
are the brckbone of lhe rural economy: "'We Jats
fe€d the rest of the nation-"
The milliors of people wtp refer to themselves as
Jats see themselves as belonging to further specific
jatb r birth grorrys. Within rhese jatis (which
amount to extended kinship groups), parents are
supposed to arrange their sons' and daughters'
mrriages. There are probably hun&eds of jatis of
this strt (i-e., intra-marrying kirship grmps) anrong
the Jats- All of tlre members of Dadi's household"
and all of their relatives, belong to the same Jat jati
(intra-ma'rying kinship group).
One of th€ characteristic features of most Hindus is
that they belong to sorne identifiable jati, r intramarrying kinship goup. In most of Hindu Indi4
marrying outside of one's jati has been prohibited,
or s[ongly discorraged- As long as parents
continue to arrange their children's nuxriages,
7
marrying within one's
jati is likely to continue.
19. How wllespread is the sentiment expressed
by Dada when he sayg .When a son b born,
people sing songs and play drums. They play
the drums and san'IVe'ye had a son-' When
it's a daughter, tbey don't play drums or sing
songs- They aren't happy."
'The prefererrce of sons over daughters
is manifested
in many ways throughout most of India At the
time of rnaniage, couples often pray for sons (but
not daught€rs). Celebrations associated with a son's
birth are public and joyfut; whereas a daughter's
birth may be accompanied by no celebration at all;
in frct, friends and relatives will often express
condolences. A wornan's position as a daughter-inlaw is mme secure if she has sons than if slrc has
daughters. Typically, daughters ile prrt to work
around the house earlier than are sons. They arc
disciplined mue harshly than sons. They are given
less schooling than sons. And lhey are married at a
younger age than are sons. Vrious explanations
are given fr this differential heatmenf Daughters
are a drain on family rcsources, since they must be
pmvided ryith a dowry at the time of their
marriage-a dowry that goes with them to their new
home. Daughters leave one's own family and enter
the family of their husbandq therefore, any
investment in their faining :pcrues to sorneone
else's family-not one's own family, Daughters will
spend most of their adult lives raising chit&en and
feeding their families; therefqe they rred not learn
skills other than those associaled with the kitchen
and courtyard. In.one's old age, one will have to
depend on one's sors rafpr than one's daughters,
sirrce one's daughters will have long since moved to
other villages and have develqped primary loyalties
to other families.
21. What kind of sweets are the women in
Dadi's family making for the feast that follows
the wedding?
The sweet is called a laddu flud-dew") and is
made from chick-pea flour, butter, sugar, and
various spices. Aft€r tlp mixhre has been sifte{
stirre4 and fried in oil, it is allowed to cml. Then
it is shaped into round balls. Laddu-making is a
joyous occasion, since taddus are considered a
freat, and rnaking laddus implies that an auspicious
event is about to lake place. Laddu-making also
provides an occasion for older women to teach girls
Dadi atd Her Family
and younger women the art of making correctly
shaped laddus.
22- Slhat b meant by an 'arranged marriage?'
In tlaryana" as in most of North India the primary
responsibilify for arranging marriages rests with a
girl's father (or, il her father is dead, with her
uncles or her older brothen). A suitable groom
must be,found within the appopriate intra-marrying
jati. Yet the grmm must not come from a family
with which the girl's family already has close
marriage bonds; otherwise the marriage might be
considered incqstuous (a frequently-cited rule is that
no marriage is permit0ed wirhin seven degrees of
one's father m within five degrees of one's mother,
i.e., lhere must have been no intermarriage with the
father's patri-lineage for seven generations r with
the mother's pafi-[neage for five generations).
The father of a potenfial bride begins to search for
a suitable groom by annourring to his caste-fellows
in neighboring villages that he is looking for a
potential match for his rtaughter. When word-ofmouth informs him that a likely candidate exists (in
terms of caste-membership, non-relatedness within
five or seven generations, level of education. similar
social standing, qualify of family, etc.), he and
some of his male relatives approach the male
relatives of the potential bridegroom. If the initial
discussions prove fruitful (i-e., if the groom's
relatives app,ear interested in arranging a malch, if
the initial figures mentioned for a dowry are not too
impossible to meet, if no slights are exchanged),
and if further investigations reveal that ttrc grcom's
family enjoys a respectable reputation and that lhe
groom himself is highly regarded within his village,
the father of tlrc potential bride (usually
accompanied by some of his male relatives) may
visit tte grmm's family in tle grmm's village- On
lhis visit the father tries to assq*s firs-hand the
economic resources of the groom's family and the
likelihood that his daughtrr will be happy and well
provided for in the groorn's home and villaga The
father will probably try to see the groom to
determine if the groom has any physical
deformities, speech im@imenS, unpteasant
mannerisms, or lack of manners. If all goes well,
there will be furth€r discussions of the dowry, i-e.,
lhe amount of wealth a bride will bring with her to
her new home. If no obstrcles yet appear, the
groom's father (usuetly accompanied by some of
his male relatives) may visit the bride's family in
8
the bride's village. They will want to see the bride
and to leam of her health and her housekeeping
skills- They will also want to assess the economic
and social standing of her family and the likelihood
that her family can provide the arnount of the
dowry being discussed.
If after both visits, and furtlrer background
investigations by both sides, no obstacles to the
marriage yet appar; the represeniatives of both
families may enter into serious discussions about
the marriage. A priest/ashologer may be consulted
to select an auqpicious marriage time and date (and
perhaps also to "match' horoscopes, if the families
have kept the horoscopes of their children)- The
frnal dowry commodities and figures may be settled
(in addition to cash, a dowry might inctude a
certain arnount of clothing and jewelry, household
utensfu, furnitrne, and bedding, as well as water
buffalos and draft animals, and--more recently--such
i&ems as a transistor radio or a motorcycle). And
arurouncements can be circulated (by wmd_of_mouth
and messengers) that the wedding will take plre on
a certain date, that the groom's relatives should
assemble in the groom's village to accompany him
in pocession to the bride's village, and that the
bri&'s relatives should assemble in the bride's
village to help host the groom's party and to add to
the festivities of the occasion.
Throughout all these negotiations and visiting back
and fortlL tlre males perform the dominant roles.
The women may raise questions and may ask tlp
men to check on certain pleces of information, but
they play the secondary roles. Dadi cap0res ttre
relative powerlessness of women in marriage
negotiations when she says, "Women can be
married off anywhere, to anybody. We have no
choice but to live with him. Oms is the inferior
caste [birth-grolp]-the woman's-"
In South India, the rules for arranging a prqper
marriage differ, and maniages are permiaed (and
even errcoumged) between crogs-cousins, Wornen
play a morc dominant role in wedding
arrangements, often haveling wift their sons to the
homes of prospective brides, and frequently having
tlre final say in who their daughters-in-law will be.
23. Iilhat b meant by tbe statement, 'Rajindar
is the frrst son to choose hb own bride.'
Rajindar's marriage differs from lhose of his two
Dsdi and Her Fumilv
9
brothers and two sisters in tllat tre identfied the
woman he wanted to marry. However, aft€r he
identified her for
H4
tlp m rrjlge
negoAiadons
proceeded much as they had fs all the other
"arranged marriages," with visits by male rclatives,
and discussions of tlre dowry-but with somewhat
less likelihood that the mrriage negotiations would
break down. It was fortunate fo Rajindar and
Kanta (as well as fs their famities) that they arc
both Jats whose families ane sufficiently unrelated
for a marriage to be arranged between ihe families.
IIad Kanta not been a Jat, or had their families
inler-married \vithin the past five or seven
generations, a conllict could have broken out
between the sweethearts and their families. Dada
would probably have felt constrained to arange a
marriage with a "suitable" Jat bride for Rajindar_if
only to protect his family's reputation and thus
enable later deughten-of-the-family to mrry into
other reputable Jat families. Similarly, Kanta's
father would pobably have felt conshained to
ammge a marriage with a "suitable" grmm fm
Kanta At this point the sweethearts would have
had the choice of: (l) giving each otherup, or (2)
eloping, haring a civil maniage, and bringing down
upon their heads the wrath of both of their families_
-the immediate effect of which would be the
severing of their economic ties with their families.
India's feature film industry (one of the targest in
the world) capitalizes on stoies of sweetlrearis
whose families bar their madages for reasons of
caste and family reputation. The film stories
present a wide variety of outcomes, from lhe muhral
suicides of the sweethearts and the heartbneak of
parents recognizing--too lale-how they have
deshoyed their children, to a Fyous recorrciliation
between the parents and the children when they
finally realize that (a) either the parents were right
O) or the children were right.
V4. How prevalent are the sentiments expressed
by Dadi when she sayg '-no one's fate is tbe
same. Som€one's husband will die. Someonc
will have children. Anything can happen. In tbe
family we can bear any loss because rve all suffer
together.'
hoponents of lhe extended family (and lhese
proponents are often the more senim members of
lhe family) frequently cite the emotional suppct
provided by tlrc extended family :rs one of its chief
strengths- If paents die, childrcn arc raised by
tlreir aunts and uncles wifhin the same householq
without the traumas associated with orphanhood (m
semi-orphanM) in the West. Similarly, widows,
the incapacitate{ and the elderly are provided for
by tlre extended family. One of the aspects of
American life which puzzles and dismays many
Indians is lhe Arnerican's treatment of ttreir elderty_
-isolating them in centers or nursing homes, often
far frorn deiry contact with children and loved ones.
- ' For thme who'"have arrived. at positions of power
in the extended family, or those who "belong. to
the extended family thrurgh birth, the extended
family may be a sburce of considerable emotional
support But for new arrivals in an extended family
(such as new daughlers-in-law), or for those whose
relationships with other members of the extended
family have deterimated over the years, the
exterded family can seem like a tension-filled
prison. One senses some of these feelings in
Darshini's opening stat€rnent, 'When I was a new
bride,I felt like running away. I'd lhink, 'Don't
stay here; go home.' That's how I felt." The level
of tension srrfaces again during Dashini's 0earful
argument T.ith Dadi, following Dadi's rcfusal to
allow Dastrini to rehrn to her village for a visil
25. Wbat sipificant eyeuts occur when tle
brkle and groom first arrive at the groom's
home?
Histuically,lhe bri&'s arival in her new horne has
been for her a major occasion. Here she is to begin
her new life, here she will bear ard raise her
children, here stre will grow old, and from here her
body will be canied out to be cremated- Fm the
extended family, this is also a major occsion A
new (and carefully selected) member is joining the
family, one who will lrclp with cooking and
drawing lhe waler, one who will hing children into
the family, and one who will support ard care for
the senirx members of the family when they
beconre old- Orp of the most significant events that
sometimes (rcurs when a bride rrives at her new
home is that her mother-in-law touches the bride's
feeJ.-a symbol of humitify and respect. Fu a bief
mornent, the daughler-in-law is "superior" to the
mother-in-law. Tlpically, a special feast has been
p'repared for the bride and the wedding party (recall
the laddu-making scene). And the feast is
generally accompanied by games, including one in
which the wornen in the groorn's family give small
payments and gifts to the bride, in return for which
the bride lets them take a look al her face.
Dsni snd Her Family
rc
Frequently other games athink--at sonre point-they
might have lnown they were being frlmed- But
they didn't care. The issues at hand were too
important for lhem. Af0er the quarrel ended, we
were elated- We felt that if the frlm came out (that
is, if everything was in focus, the light was righ!
and so on) we had some unequaled footage."
After the quarrel, Rina took Dadi aside and taperecorded Dadi's comments about ttre quarrel_ It
was during lhis interview that Dadi said, "I wanted
to iell her, 'Your mother in-law feels miserable fo,r
you.'" Dadi then went on to explain that Darshini's
vulnerability in the extended family stemmed from
her husbarxl, Meherlal's deficiencies- Dadi
explained, "Meherlal had a !tb, at about four or five
hundred rupees a month. But he got drunk ard lost
iL If [a woman's] man is strong, no one can say
anylhing [to harm herJ....[Darshini] doesn't have a
mother or a father. Now I'm her mother and
Dada's her father. She's got no one else-"nything
that might intemtpt the argument After several
minutes it seemed clear thal if Dadi and Darshini
were aware they were being filmed, they didn't
care. They were both focusing on the argumenl
When I felt we had gosen the essence of the
argument, ard wasn't afraid lhat my moving around
would dismpt things loo much- I began to change
lhe angle of my sbots, moving round to gel
different directions, and moving a bit closer. At no
time did our fllming seem to dishd the rguers- I
think-at some point--they might have lnown lhey
were being frlmed- But they didn't care. The
issues al hand were too important for them. After
the quarcl ended, we were elaled- We felt that
the film carne out (lhat is, if everything was in
focus, the light was right, and so on) we had some
unequaled fmtage."
if
Aft€r the quarrel, Rina took Dadi asi& and taperecorded Dadi's cornmenls about the quarrel. It
was during this interview thaf Dadi said, "I wanted
to tell her, 'Your mother-in-law feels miserable for
you.'" Dadi then went on to explain that Darshini's
vulnerability in the extended family stemmed from
her husband, Meherlal's deficierrcies. Dadi
explained, "Meherlal had a -iS, at about four or five
hundred nryeqs a month- But he got drunk and lost
If [a woman's] man is strong, no one c:m say
anything [to harm her].--.[Darshini] doesn't have a
mother or a father Now I'm her mother and
Dada's her father- She's got no one else.'
it
28. \ilhy does Dadi refer to women as a 'casfe'
when sbe says, "Ours is the inferkrr caste--the
woman's-.Ours is the worthless caste.' Are
women really a caste?
'
Dadi uses the same wod, jati ("jot+e"), to describe
the calegory of "woman" as she does to describe lhe
category of inha-marrying Iineage (caste). Jati
literally means a group into which one is born. So,
in'tlraf sense, women are a jati (or caste). Women
are born as women; they remain women throughout
their lives; md tlqy die as wornen. Life may feat
different women differently. Some may be rich and
forhrnate; otlrers may be poor and unfortrnate. But
they will always be women.
Following the same linguistic pa$ern, men are also
a jati, Dadi refers to wornen as tlre interior ocaste"
when women are cornpared io men because men
can teflninate an unhappy marriage more easily than
women can. After such a termination, men are able
to support themselves without women. But only
edrrcated women can suppot themselyes wilhout
men. Illiterate wornen considering terminating an
unhappy marriage frce bleak employment prospects.
p3fi
asks "Whoae maid do we becorne?" She
concludes yith tlte comment, "We [womenJ have to
be subrnissive and do our work."
29. What device is Dadi smoking, and what is
she smoking in it?
The device is a water-filbr prpe called a huka
("hook-a"). The huka Dadi is sm*ing is made
&om a hollowed<iut coconut into which wooden
tubes have been inserted" The trollowed-out
coconut is prtially filled with water that serves as a
filtfr (and also makes a bubbly noise as Dadi
inhales). In an earlier scene, Dada r/as seen
srnoking a much larger and mue elaborate huka
that stmd upnight on tlp floor, had a long, coiled
tube, and also made a bubblv noise as Dada and his
sons inhaled-
Dadi is sm*ing tobrcco. A town of any size in
North India has af leaS one tobacco shop selling a
wide variety of tobaccos from some that are very
cheap to some that are yery expe.nsive. Dadi and
the others in her family were smoking a mediumpriced medium-grde lobacco- Fc special
occasions they might buy some qpecially-aged
tobacco with a hace of honey in it (or even of
semi-precious metals)-
Dadi and Hcr Familv
30- \ilhy are Darshini and ber daugbter sbaping
cow dung into disks?
Since there arc very few tree stands in this section
of India a major source of cooking fuel is cow and
water buffalo dung. The dung from the family
catlle is collected by the women and chil&en,
shaped into disks, and dried. Dried dung disks burn
slowly and evenly and are an inexpensive, nearly
odorless fuel. A major drawback to using dung for
fuel is that it is not lhen available to use in fietds as
fertilizer.
31- Why does Sita say, 'AlI we wan! in our
hearts, b that [our children] study and Frnd jobs
outside the village."
Sita is convinced, as arc many people tiving in
India's villages, that a better life for their children
lies in the cities. White-collar occupations, with
lheir regular salaries and lheir fringe benefits are
. s€en as preferable !o the uncertainties of farming
and farm irrcome- City homes, with plumbing and
electricity, arc seen as better than village homas,
that require trips to the fields and trips to the wells.
And desk
wsk
and paperwork are seen as
liberating peopte from having to "live in dirt and
dust" Sifa is also convinc€d of the benelits of the
extended family, to which she contributes, and from
which she and her children derive support- Sita is
also aware of the fact that when children move to
the cities and pursue urban employment lhey often
choose to withdraw from the extended family.
The apparently contradictory implications of these
various positions merely illusfate some of the
complexities of con0emporary changes in India
32. What b Dadi's attitude toward family
planning?
Dadi encapsulates her a$itude toward familv
planning in her statemen[ "I hd ten childn Out
of ten, only six are alirae. ff I'd stopped after one
or fwo, what would have happened to orn land ard
ow home?-.Jf I'd had an operation done after the
first two, then what?...Who's stronger tlran I? Arc
my daughters-in-law? They only had one or two.
Are they beser? I can hold their necks in each
hand- Tell me, how are they befi€r? What have I
Iost?"
33. Can one summarize Dadi's philmophy of the
family?
TI
Dadi henelf povides such a summary, perhaps,
in
her fural stalemenf "God bless rhis family. Give
it
success and long life. May God give us wealth
and
work in this house. When there's no wort, then
nothing is left. For those who don't have a family,
what use is ttpir wealth?"
. GETTING DADI'S PERMISSION
TO SHOW
T}IE FILM IN IIVDIA
Joseph W. Etder
Dadi was not impressed when, in February 19g0, a
foreign film crew asked if they could make a
documentary of her and her family. She was
pvzled why anyone wanted to film the everyday
events in her household- The crew explained that
this nh was being made for showing in Americ4
and peqple in America were curious about daity life
in India Dadi finally agreed that tl,e crew could
make the film, since it was going to be shown in
America- But she insist€d that tlre flm not be
slrown in India until she had a charce !o see and
aplrove iL She wanted nothing to be shown in
India that might damage her or her family's
rcputation.
The crew set up its lights in Dadi's courlyard ard
ryent mrch of February, Ntarch ard Aprrl shooting
footage. The crew rehrned in November to fiIm
Rajindar's and Kanta's wedding. Then rhe crew
disbande4 and Michael Camerini and Ctreryl Groff
rehrned to New York to edit ltre fmtage.
The Odyssey television version of the film was
aired in December 1981. The premiere of the frlm
version was held in New york in Januay tgg2 In
the audience that evening was India's repesentative
to the United Natiors, who was leaving in a few
days fon a meeting in Genev4 Switr€rlard with
hime Minister Indira Gandhi and repnesentatives of
Indian ernbassies in Errope. Michd Camerini
agreed to loan him the frtm so that he might show it
at the Geneva meeting.
The Geneva showing went well. ldrs. Gandhi,
however, had to leave the showing before it ended-
At the request of the hime Minister's office, the
film was sent to India so that Mrs. Gandhi could
see the end-
Dadi and Her Familv
It was only when the film finally rehrrned io New
Yort from India (along \{'ith fikn orden for Indian
embassies in Europe) that Michael Camerini and
Cheryl Groff realized tlrey were breaking their
agrcement with Dadi. The frlm was being rcleased
in India and Dadi had not yet seen and approved it!
Michael flew !o India and made a special trip to
Dadi's village with the film and the necessary
projection equipmenL Only Dadi and Dada
attended the first showing. Dadi sat in complete
silence while the film rolled. It was impossible to
tell from the expression on her face whether or not
she liked the hlm.
The film ended.
Dadi paused. Then she tumed to Dada and
exclaimed "Now do you see how hard I work lo
keep this family togethefl Now do you understand
how tough ajob I have? See, it's all right there in
the film!"
Dadi enthusiastically approved of the film-
Dadi and her Family has since been shown seyeral
times on Doordarshan, India's national television
station. Viewers throughout India have had tl,e
oppodunity to see how hard Dadi works to keep the
family together.
DADI AND HER FAMILY REYISITED:
SEVEN YEARS LATER
Joseph W. Elder
New Delhi, India
December 25,1987
I was curious what
had happened during the seven
years since we had filrned Dadi and Her FamilvMy crniosity centered on three questions:
(1) IIad Dadi become a widow?
(2) What had happened ro Darshini,
the eldest
daughter-inJaw?
(3) Were Rajinder (the youngest son) and Kanta
(the new bride in the filrn) still members of the
extended family?
A few phone calls put me in touch wirh Iqbal
Sing[ the same Sikh driver who trad t]ebea shuttle
the film crew between Delhi and Dadi's villaqe
I2
back in 1980- He was free on the 25th and would
be happy to drive me to Dadi's yillqge. An early
mo-ning start, and two hours oyer ever more bumpy
roads brought us to Dadi's village.
(1) Had Dadi become a widow? So long as Dada
was alive, Dadi would continue l,o be the "Saas._
the Mother-in-Iaw, with all the power and
responsibility of that position. Dada's dearh would
convert Dadi into a "Vidhva"--a widow, an object
of pity and inauspiciousness.
My first question was answered when Dada himself
opened the dmr in response to my knock. He was
alive! Not only that During our next several hous
of discussions I discovered thar, dudng the
intervening years, he hd been elected by his fellow
villagers to be the "Sa4)anch," the head of the
rillage council--a position of considerable
importance. Along with his personal successes, his
family had been growing, and his fanrn had been
prospering. Because of Dada's slrccesses, Dadi was
even "stronger" now than she had been when we
had filmed her seven years before.
As I watched Dadi interacting with the others in the
family, it was clear to me that she was still the
same strong rumager of the family's affairs she had
been when we made the
flm.
(2) IVhat had happened to Darshini, the eldest
daughter-in-law? Danhini's life had taken a
definite hrirn fm the better! She was now a motherin-law h€rself-in fact, a motlrer-in-law twice over!
Her eldest son (a*ay, working for the nayy in
Bombay) had married a bride who was now in her
third year of teacher's faining and therefore was
not yet living in Dadi's household. Dmshini's
second son (away, working as a truck driver in
Bhiwani) had married a bride, Sumitra who had
Fined Dadi's household- Sumiu-a looked about
fifte€n years old- As the newest daughter-in-Iaw,
she was assigned ttre task of preparing the hefty
village lunch for Iqbal Singh and myself. As I
watched Sumitna scrrrying io prepare the meal, and
Darshini teling her !o put plenfy of fresh butter on
our plates, I marveled at how quickly the
generations succeed each other in a society where
women marry in their teens.
(3) \ilere Rajinder (the youngest son) and Kanta
(thc new bride in the frlm) still members of the
extended family? A few questions
l3
revealed that Rajinder and lGnta were sdil
mpmbers of 'the famiy,' even though they were
bod living ten miles away in the town of
Rohtalc lGnta continued to teach in college;
Rajinder worked in the irrigation deparmenr
They had nro litde girls, ages four and nro.
Dadi had renrmed from Rohtak to the nllage
only a few days earlier from 'babysiaingi for
Rajinder and lknta while tbey were both
particularly busy with tlreir town jobs. Rajinder
and lGnta were sulll sending some of their
incomes to Dadi to be used as part of the
famil/s shared financial resources.
During the three hous I spent with Dadis
family, I was surrck again with the resilience of
dreir qpe of kinship and household system.
The members of Dadfs famf,y were curious
about what had happened to rhe film crew,
especially ttre Americans, Michael Camerini and
Cberyt Groff. I was able to bring them uprodate. Cheryl and her husband had become
parens of a lirde boy. Michael had married a
very nice Srt; lhey had no children yet. The
family asked rne to convey their wamest
geetings to Michad and to (heryt. We rook
some photographs of the gathering for me to
show to Michad and Cberyl when I returned to
dre States.
When it was tirne for lqbal Singb and me to
leave, Dadi placed her hands on our beads in
the dassical foro of blessing-the same form of
blcssing she had given in the film to her
daughter, Anguri, when Anguri was about to
renrrn to her husbands village.
At we &ove away,lqbal Singh commented
The/re good people.'
SEI.F.CTFT} BIBUOGRAPFIT ON
VIIIJlffi
UFE
IN NORTHERN INDIA
Beidelman, Thomas O., A C,omparative ADalFn
of tbe Jajmani $rte4 Monogr.-aphs of the
Association for Asian Studies MII, Locust VaIIey,
tIY: J. J. Augustin, 1959.
Freed, $tanlsyA and Ruth S. Freed. Shaoti
Nagu Tbc Effects of tlrbanizatim in a \finag"
ia Northern Indi4 Anthropological Papers of the
American Museum of Nanrral History vol. 53:
Part 1. Social Org-mizatio4 New Yorlc The
American Muserrm of Nanrral History, 1976,
[.€wis, Oscar, \fillage life in Northero Indi4
Urbana, IL: U. of lllinois Press, 1958,
Manddbaum, David G. Socicty fu IDdi4 vol. 1:
Cortlmtty and Changg vol. 2: eh'ntc od
Continuity, Berkeley, CJ|: U. of California Press,
7870.
Marriot! McKim (ed), Village IDdia: Surdies in
tre Litde Conmunity, Chicago: U. of Chicago
Press, 1955.
Minnrrn" I-eigh and John Hitchcod The Rajput"
of Kbalapur,Indi4 Six Cultures Series, vol.III,
New York John Wiley, 1966.
Wiser, Charlone V., ForrFasrilies of Karingr,
South Asian Series 3, Syracuse,lrlY: Martryell
School of Citizenship and Public Affairs,
Syracuse
:.:-
V.,1878.
Wiser, William H., The Hindu Jajmani $fstern,
Lucknow, U. P.: Lucknow Publishing House,
1958.
Wiscr, Wi[iam and Charlone Wis6, Bcbind
fftrd Wdlr 19801960, with a rc4rd: Th
ltil4p bty/.o, Berkeley, C.e U. of California
Pr6s, 1971.
a %6f,*"*s*