For Ducks Sake - The Ormondian

Issue 12, 9th October 2011
Over the Hedge
For Ducks
Sake!
O
THE
et nova, et cetera...
WHITE PARTY
THIS WEDNESDAY
NIGHT. 8:30 JCR .
BE THERE.
RMONDIAN
a publication of the OCSC
2
3
Table of Contents
Pickenfest!
2
Ormond Bites
4
Head Shaving
5
What the Duck?
6
A Note From Sally
7
ICAC Glory
8
College World Problems
9
Over the Hedge
10
Ormond Aussie Adventures
12
Lilac Bedding!!!
13
Sports Love
14
Cube Lube?
16
Cribz
17
The Fun Stuff!
18
Editors’ Note
Dear Ormondian Friends,
Between OCSC Dinner, the mass
evacuation of the college during
holidays, and the incredible male
Sports Ball on Sunday night, it’s
been a hektic month since we’ve
seen you! We hope you missed us
as much as we missed you (xoxo)
and to prove our undying love,
we’ve prepared an edition chocka-block with awesomeness to get
you through these last few weeks
before SWOTVAC. Pining with
(unrequited) affection- or just for
last Sunday’s significant other? The
Love Doctor is here to help! Need a
new hobby? Challenge A.Cam with
some cube lube. Feeling Ormond
spirit? Cuddle up with your college
friends and support the bumblebees
during our last epic battle for the
ICAC cultural cup.
So now that you’ve scampered back
to college, get cosy, read up and
g’luck for the next two weeks!
Catch you on the flip side,
Eds.
4
Super I-KEen-A
College News... Nom Nom Nom Sized!
UCR Winery Tour
As members of the UCR got onto
the bus at 9:30AM, the question
was, would the Winery Tour be a
drunken event? Will Scott’s goon
bag said yes. The rest of the bus said
no. What followed was a delightful and classy venture perusing two
wineries, swinging by a strawberry
farm and ending up in a microbrewery. Along with plenty of
‘classy’ photos, chocolate stains and
slight tipsiness, the enduring memory of the day was a lesson: to never
again take Suey out in public again.
Don’t look up!
Many of us took the signs as a
joke, but the threat is very real. The
magpies have college students in
their sights, targeting not only us
Ormondians but those from other
colleges too who dare to walk, without covering our heads and sprinting past the trees to our classes.
What was once a safe, pleasant even
relaxing walk into Uni has recently
become a path of death…well, at
the very least grievous bodily harm.
Solutions range from wearing bike
helmets from class to releasing 18
Cats to end this bloody reign of
terror.
Shan Woods happened to be picking up her mail in the JCR last
Thursday when she noticed an
IKEA catalogue. On closer inspection this catalogue was addressed to
one “Mr Thomas Bell.” Laughing
to herself, Shan opened the magazine and divulged in the homeware goodness. Without a second
thought she accidentally carried it
back to her room. Later that night,
an enraged Tom Bell knocked
on her door. “Where’s my IKEA
catalogue?” he demanded, “I’ve been
waiting three weeks for that to arrive!”
That’s the way Drew’s
cookie crumbled
One fine Friday afternoon, Drew
asked his research assistant Gareth to assist him by sourcing
some cookies. Not just any cookies.
Subway cookies, stored at the ideal
temperature. After trying 4 different stores in the CBD, Gareth
finally obtained the perfect cookies.
However, on his return trip, he got a
little distracted... When Gareth and
Shannen returned, Drew was irate.
“I knew you would come between
us,” he hissed at Shannen, snatching the bag of cookies. Then, with a
dramatic flourish, he pulled one of
the cookies out of the bag, looked
Gareth straight in the eye and threw
it to the ground before stomping on
it, saying; “*That* is what I think of
you.”
Demise of the Proxy
After years of cursing the archaic
and restrictive web-only proxy
server, Ormond has upgraded the
core network hardware to rid of the
obstruction and allow access to the
WHOLE internet. We can now
play virtually any game. This has
resulted in RPG fans reportedly
“losing their shit” and blowing their
internet bills on all-night gaming
sessions. Rob and John’s study has
not seen daylight for weeks now
(it’s regular exposure to sunlight is
debatable anyway) and the Brotherhood has even stopped hooking up
with each other to embrace this new
blessing. However, there are still
some kinks to be worked out (ie. the
need to log in every 10 seconds).
Shear Genius
We need more activities that demonstrate that there are challenges
and rewards outside of drinking, and
that you can do exciting and strange
things without being drunk. The
Fresher haircuts in O-Week, done in
the correct way, do exactly this but
were sadly cut from the programme
this year.
People come to O-week expecting to be challenged. However
they generally expect that feats of
drinking will be among those challenges. If we want to reduce this
dependence on alcohol, we need to
introduce and maintain other ways
of being challenged. As a Student’s
Club, we need to show that there
are other ways to be creative, exciting and fun.
The Fresher haircut allows people
5
Editorial
to have one such challenge from the
beginning of their Ormond experience. It demonstrates that you don’t
have to be drunk to act outside of
social norms and validates courage that is not of the liquid variety.
If we remove events like Fresher
haircuts from the O-week program,
we’re reducing challenges out of fear
that it will be emotionally damaging. Subsequently, we are actually
risking a continued reliance on
alcohol during O-week. When opportunities for challenge at Ormond
are limited or appear non-existent,
people often create one by drinking
to excess. ‘Who can get the drunkest’ becomes the challenge of the
week. And no one wins that game
(except maybe the slightly
sober people who get to
laugh at you). Not everyone
wants to be challenged through
alcohol and they shouldn’t have to
be challenged in this way when the
scope of opportunity is so great!
In 2010, Lachy Lamour ran a very
fun, hair shaving stop with zero
pressure. Each group was given
the option of having a member get
their head shaved in a funny hair
cut as a bit of challenge, but in order
to ensure there was no pressure on
anyone, the other challenge was a
very hot chilli burger. Some groups
had no group member get their
head shaved - Lachy ensured that
this was a very acceptable option. It
would be unlikely that people who
did get their head shaved in 2010,
felt any sort of negative external
pressure. The participants loved
their do’s and proudly sported them
all week. Note that several wacky
haircuts were kept for an extended
period of time - Jono Thomas had
his for six months!!! This was a
great little example of events where
people who want to do something
funny step up to a challenge that
isn’t about drinking at all.
We as a college need to stand for
something more than ‘getting shwasted’. The Fresher haircuts, whilst
only one example, are simply good
memorable fun. Finally, we need to
maintain some creative license over
O-week activities, so that rather
than push boundaries, we define
boundaries.
Have Something to Say?
[email protected]
6
For Ducks Sake
A glimmer of light on the horizon.
The dawn mist unfurls ominously
over the lake. 3 shaking human beings stand chest-deep in the water.
Men in camouflage surround them.
Gunshots echo. Hearts pound, eyes
widen...
One of them, seemingly the leader,
says sheepishly “It wasn’t like this
last time”.
The other two look at her in alarm.
She tries to reassure them – “they’ve
been doing this for 25 years, and
no-one has ever been shot, you don’t
need to be concerned” and “don’t
worry, you may be breaking the law
by being on a prescribed waterbird
hunting area before 10am on one of
2 illegal weekends of the year ... but
you probably won’t get in trouble”.
Oh how wrong she would be shown
to be.
enjoying the lunch and dinner provided by Food Not Bombs.
Eliza Waters
clothes, we spent most of our time
standing near shooters to counteract their camouflage jackets and
whistling and waving our arms with
gusto if any birds looked like they
were to come into firing range, all
the while getting asked if we were
cold by the shooters (who were no
doubt cosy in their waders). Despite our best efforts, we did see
some bloodied waterbirds spin out
of the sky, still hopelessly flapping
their wings, and even witnessed one
shooter decapitate a struggling duck
with what was evidently a wellpracticed karate chop.
And, much to everyone’s horror, we
learnt after a couple of hours that a
duck rescuer had been hit by shot in
the face and had been taken away by
an ambulance. Fortunately, she has
since made a full recovery.
What Tom Bransden and Jean
Norris may have been expecting
to be a fun weekend of camping in
“Donald: Duck Country”, resulted
in unexpected drama, trauma and
infringement notices. Serves them
right for agreeing to accompany
Ormond’s resident “eco-terrorist” to
Victoria’s wild north.
After spending some time hanging
out in the branches of some semisubmerged gum trees in order to
‘obey’ a Department of Sustainability and Environment official’s demand to get out of the water immediately, Eliza and Jean were nabbed
while trying to get an injured duck
to the Wildlife Victoria vet. Tom
was also caught, just 2 minutes
before 10 am.
Day 1: After the initial shock, we
got down to our duck rescuing duties. Wearing uber-stylish fluoro
We spent the rest of the day trying to feel warm again, exploring
Donald (this did not take long) and
Day 2: Despite the deafening
screams of our senses of self-preservation/instincts, we again woke at
4am and travelled to the swamp. But
this time, Jean and Tom spared their
nether regions from frostbite by taking to the lake in ‘funyaks’. While
they admired the spectacular sunrise
over the massive expanse of water
that is Lake Buloke, Eliza trudged
once again in the icy water. As they
stood drenched in the swamp, she
and other female foot-soldiers were
asked by one shooter “why are you
not at home baking cakes for your
children?”
Upon her return to the shore, Eliza
was less than amused to find that
EVERYONE had returned except
for... Jean and Tom. Visions of them
– drowned by angry hunters, shot,
lost, hypothermic – flashed through
her mind. She began to practice
breaking the terrible news to their
parents, who had no idea how they
were spending their weekend in the
first place...
After what seemed hours, they
finally returned. Sadly, their mighty
Funyaks had been no match for
the DSE outboards. They had been
caught after considerable time spent
evading capture paddling between
bushes and semi-submerged fences,
while the police officers demanded
they surrender over a loud-speaker.
Their captors seemed unimpressed
by their explanations for their at-
To Shower or not to Shower
7
Sally Robinson, Head of Residential Services
Yes! I listened to the feedback
several of you gave me regarding
the cleanliness of the bathrooms.
Thank you for advising me of your
concerns.
tempted escape - Tom’s insistence
that he thought they were duck
hunters.
Leaving the lake, we were told a
particularly illuminating story by
one of our fellow duck rescuers: He
had found 10 ducklings apparently
lacking in parents. While attempting to get them to the vet, he was
stopped by a DSE official who told
him he was not allowed to take live
birds off the wetland. The rescuer
politely pointed out that the ducklings constituted his daily bag limit.
In response, the official had declared
that he could indeed legally take the
ducklings off the wetland, on one
condition: that he “neck ‘em’”...
With the small consolation that the
law was even more crazy than us, we
left Lake Buloke behind us…
Bleary-eyed, dirty and somewhat
delirious we returned that afternoon
to Melbourne. Ormond’s manicured
gardens, warm showers and reassuring lack of firearms had never before
seemed so welcoming! Now we
only have an impending court date
to remind us of our duck-saving
experience…
this would greatly assist the cleaning team to ensure all surfaces are
thoroughly cleaned.
Unlike our previous cleaners who
cleaned bathrooms in the morning
In response to the feedback, over the our current team clean bathrooms
July Break, all bathrooms were given throughout the day. In fact some
a spring clean, ceilings were painted, bathrooms are not cleaned until
shower screen doors adjusted and
2.00pm. To assist residents in knownew toilet paper holders put in
ing when their bathroom has been
place.
cleaned you will find a list on the
back of your bathroom door which
Further to this we have increased
will be signed off each time your
the level of cleaning. In addition
bathroom is cleaned.
to the daily clean each bathroom is
given a detailed clean on a weekly
The supplier of our toilet paper
basis. Please see below for the
replaced the dispensers free of
schedule
charge, as many of the dispensers
were becoming very tired looking
Picken A bathrooms - Monday
we accepted their kind offer. The
jumbo roll is 300 meters in length
Picken B bathrooms - Tuesday
(and no I do not need anyone to
unravel a roll to measure that it is
Picken C bathrooms - Wednesday
300 meters) and the cleaning team
will ensure that before they finish on
Main building including O Wing
a Friday that the roll in each bathbathrooms - Thursday
room will last until Monday. Should
they miscalculate the Residential
Allen House, Wyeslaskie and McServices team carry extra rolls and
Caughey Building - Friday
can change the roll for you. You just
need to let the team know if one
The schedule may vary slightly if
runs out.
the cleaning team are held up in
a particularly messy bathroom. It
Please let me know if the above has
would be most helpful if people
made a difference or if we still have
could remove their personal belong- some work to do.
ings from their bathroom when
the detailed clean is scheduled. As
Sally Robinson
8
With ICAC President, Secretary and a
Mc Bangin’ Ormond Rep, Ormond has
starred in the intercollegiate scene this
year – From a back-flipping victory
in the Big Bang Fresher Dance Off
to respectable performances in Theatre
Sports and Public Speaking. Whilst
we don’t mention the war *cough*
debating *cough*, we are now locked in
fierce battle with the Trinitarians for
the ICAC trophy. We need maximum
participation in the last few comps
in order to prevent this validation of
preppy-ness. Here’s Poppy’s lowdown
on the upcoming events:
The final event of the year. The overall winner of the cup is announced –
and we’re not too far away from pole
position. There are rumours that an
Ormond Barbershop a capella group
featuring Dan Candy will compete
in the contemporary section. We are
also looking for a classical entry, so
dob your musical friends in to me!
This event is worth double points –
a real deal maker when it comes to
the winning cup. Each college band
perform three songs. It’s rocking.
This year the criteria are stage presence, musicianship, audience appeal and sense of style/genre. It’s at
HiFi in the city this Sunday the 9th.
Doors open at 7:15. Bring clothes to
mosh in, ID and $5 for entry!
Yes. Quidditch is legit. ICAC Quidditch echoes most elements of traditional Quidditch except for flying–
including the danger, adrenaline and
constant threat of dementors. This
event does not award any points
towards the ICAC cup but it’s probably one of the most competitive
events of the year. Stay tuned for
team details…
First College - World Problems
The Woes of an Ormondian
1. When the hot drink machine has
run out of chocolate.
2. Having to wake up at
8:55am for a 9:00am lecture.
3. Spending an hour longer than necessary at meals due to socialising.
4. Thursday classes.
5. Missing class because it’s raining too
hard to walk comfortably to university.
6. The cheese not melting in a toasted sandwich.
7. Not having anyone to sit with
at meals in the hall and starting an awkward table by yourself.
8. Running out of clean clothes
because you’re too lazy to wash.
9. Once one person is sick,
the whole college gets sick.
10. The break between Sunday brunch and Sunday dinner
11. Fish Friday.
12. Getting the Trident instead of a fork.
13. To Turf or not to Turf
14. Going home and not getting dinner at 5.30
15. The travel time needed to get to the Spot.
16. No spoon in
the Milo at supper.
17. Being exhausted in the first
week of semesters due to OWeek/Dis-O-Week/Play week.
18. Looing like a bum at uni and being
avoided like the plague.
19. Constant study distractions.
20. The latest TV show not being uploaded
the day it comes out.
Jessie Azzopardi & Danielle Simkus
In the playground, 10 of every 15
comments are negative…
But we’re not in high school anymore.
Every day, Ormondians are fighting
hard to change the ratio. And here is
the proof.
9
… and the Joys
1.Picken Lawn in the sun.
2.The coffee machine is
stocked with hot chocolate.
3.A friend notices your hermit-like
tendencies during SWOTVAC and
is concerned enough to bang on
your door with a block of chocolate.
4.Dan Candy telling you that you are going
to change the world (at a smoko, but still).
5.Discovery of the ‘surprise’ button of the bursary drink vending
machine. All your gambling urges
now easily and cheaply satisfied.
6. Notes. Funny, cute, concerned,
whatever. On your door, in your
room. Lots of them. All the time.
7.Shower parties. & shower beers.
8.Someone takes your clothes
out of the dryer…and folds them.
9.We live in a place full of secrets…
For example, take a look at the panels
beneath the rowing trophy in the hall.
10.Abdul
11.Seeing a bumblebee from afar
12.Cuddling up for movie nights.
13.Watching more Disney now
than you did as a youngster.
14.Randomly hearing fresher songs.
15.Falling in love with the JCR
café. The affordable daily fix for caffeine addicts, right on our doorstep.
16.OMGWTFWHEREHAVEYO
UBEENI’VEMISSEDYOUUU!??
!*suffocatinghug*… after 24 hours.
17.Sunday Brunch
18.Cute pre-drinks
19.Comradeship within groups and
sporting teams. It’s always a win
with your best mates by your side.
20.When you’re down or out of it,
whether you like it or not, someone will show you that they care.
21.Being serenaded doesn’t just happen
on your birthday here. In fact it more
frequently happens on un-birthdays.
22.Walking home from a long day at Uni,
as the sun sets behind Ormond’s beautiful
buildings, and thinking how awesome it is
to live in Australia’s answer to Hogwarts.
10
Dearest Ormondians.
Let me preface this by saying that when I was asked to
write this article, I felt both
honoured and a little confused. For those of you who
don’t know me, my name is
Callum Russell. And I go to
Trinity. Please don’t let that
put you off.
To my knowledge, few people
outside Ormond have had
the privilege that I enjoy. I
know a seemingly absurd
amount of Ormondians for
someone who (in the immortal words of the so-oftenquoted masterpiece Mean
Girls) “doesn’t even go here.”
I blame this entirely on the
friendliness of your residents.
I’ve been to balls, seen
bands, rocked out at smokos,
failed at trivia, cheered at
open mic nights, bought
Ormond shorts at Ormond
Shorts, loved Peter Pan,
sang Holy Grail and eaten
more meals than I care to
count at your fantastic college. I’ve even been asked on
more than one occasion to
defect.
Which brings us to the question that is so often posed to
me, and the supposed focus
of this article: “Which is
better - Ormond or Trinity?”
Truth be told, in my eyes
there is no winner. Just two
disturbingly awesome places
to be. Ormond has the Vesti.
Trinity has the Bul. Ormond
has a better tower. Trinity
has a better chapel. You won
Fresher Dance Off. We won
Theatresports. You won rowing. We won rugby. The list
goes on and frankly it’s more
or less even.
(Although credit must be given to Ormond for a distinct
lack of Polo, Tommy Hilfiger
and boat shoes. Damn Trinity is preppy.)
“But if they’re so equal, why
do you spend so much time
over here?” I am so often
asked. In fairness, I spend
a considerable amount
more time at Trinity than
Ormond, what with living
there and all. But again, I
spend more time at Ormond
than at Uni. And the reason
is pretty simple. You’re all
wonderful people. You have
incredible integrity, diver-
sto
s
?”
wo
es
ti.
nd
on
n
wt
re
ivt
er
n-
hy
e
d
n
e
11
sity and talent within your
student body. I’ve seen it
demonstrated first hand on
far more than one occasion.
I’ve made so many amazing
friends that it’s only natural
that I want to hang around
a lot. Which is not to say I
don’t love my own college
just as much. Ormondians
are no better than Trinitarians, and certainly no worse.
Just different.
College rivalry is fun, but
it should be by no means a
social blockade. Both our colleges, and in fact all the colleges have so much to offer
one another. Even Newman.
Some of the best friends I’ve
made this year are Ormondians. There is such a range
of talents and skills to be
shared, and fun to be had. I
urge you all to break through
the college bubble. It’s one of
the best things about college
for me - I don’t just have one.
Ormond only seems to be
significantly better than
Trinity in one, crucial aspect.
And he knows who he is. ;y
Thank you all for the best
year of my life.
12
s
e
r
u
t
n
e
v
d
A
T
N
Ellie Kent
You know you’re in the Territory
when the front page of the newspaper reads “Mutant 5-legged Toadzilla.” But believe it or not, polymelic
toads aren’t all they have to offer up
north.
Our 5 day hike along the Jatbula
Trail was like an ad for Tourism
Australia. We walked through plains
of speargrass, eucalypt woodlands,
dense rainforest and burnt open
country – all speckled with impressive termite mounds that dotted
the landscape like tombstones in an
infinite cemetery. On top of that, we
spent a lunchbreak under a rock wall
adorned with ancient paintings of
emus, fish and men with exceptionally long shlongs.
Conveniently enough there was a
picturesque waterfall every 15km or
so for camping and (nudie) swimming each evening. The rapids even
gave us a chance to unwind under
a pummelling water massage, and
in turn, treat us to a sneak-peak of
Mozdog’s sex-face.
Liv is to be thanked for scrumptious
dinners, fit for carnivores, vegos,
vegans and celiacs alike (or ‘normal’
and ‘abnormal’ people as Mozeltov
would have it – cue banter). And
banter there was! Classic MrMos and Jono. Sadly we’d already
broached the existential topics
before we even reached the airport,
but at least Dan brought his ukulele
along. Unbeknownst the rest of us,
the sneaky devil also snuck in a tin
flute – one night when Dan left the
campsite to practice his tunes in
private, poor Livo was left flipping
out on the dunny, convinced she was
about to die a gruesome death by
fluting bush maniac.
Sleeping under mozzie nets meant
falling asleep to an uninterrupted
view of the stars and getting snuggly when the night turned chilly
– all the more bonding time for an
already splendid group dynamic.
The ever-hospitable Jasmine put
us up in Darwin on either side of
the hike in her awesome stilted tree
house. This meant getting Cosy on
her veranda, enjoying her mum’s
Karma Sutra books, seeing photos
of her crowning (joy), and showering with tree frogs. (If caught at
the right time, froggies were even
treated to their very own golden
showers).
In Darwin we hit up the museum/
gallery; caught the night markets;
picnicked; saw the infamous wave
pool; lunched with some NT pollies; got stuck in an elevator for
20min; were invited to participate in
Miss Itti Bikini!; royally fucked the
suspension of Jas’ car; and of course,
visited the Crocodile park (that is,
all 8 of us – the 9th refused to support the industry).
No doubt thanks to Mozzle and
Jono’s thorough risk assessment,
the trip ran sans-glitch. Credit also
to our top-notch hiking shirts and
sleek Kmart boots to last us through
40º temps and wasp attacks.
13
Home is Where the Art is
When confronted with the question
of home, an Ormondian may simply reply with Sydney, Hawthorn
or Geelong, possibly Singapore, Sri
Lanka or America, but how many
Ormondians would answer with
Ormond?
While the home is often synonymous with the address beneath our
name on an envelope, to me home is
the place that I create.
Growing up I moved house on average every two years. It started with
a sea change from the Melbourne
suburbs to the Mornington Peninsula at the age of 9, and teetered
somewhere between 10 acre properties and ‘close to good school’
locations during the following
decade. My parents had a penchant
for renovating and reinvigorating.
With what began as 1970’s houses,
the ‘projects’ have since translated to
anything with ‘potential’. It seems
Alex Chambers
this idea of stylising and adapting a
house or home is not only an annoying innate quality of both my
parents, but it is in-fact genetic.
Although this idiosyncrasy of room
embellishment may be due to my
chameleon-like adaptability to the
roof over my head, I find solace
in my decorated haven. Rather
than wallpapering over my genetic
decorating tendencies, after years of
moving into a new house and new
bedroom I have embraced them.
I’ve learnt that every room has
‘potential’, and personalising a room
can be as simple as choosing a cushion or sticking a photo on the wall.
It is easy to make any place your
home when you know what makes
you happy, in what you find comforting and in attachment to each of
the things with which you decorate
your space.
5 SIMPLE STEPS TO
CREATING ‘HOME’:
1. Choose a theme or develop one unawares.
My Ormond room theme would be
purple. I have a floral purple doona
cover, cushions, towel and mugs
which are all tonal, but also posters with shades of pink and lilac to
highlight and accentuate the colour
scheme.
2. Photographs and pictures
Memorable moments in photos
and postcards adorn the boring
cream walls and remind me of fun
and nostalgia, of family and friends.
3. Wardrobe
Clothing is an expression of the
self. I find comfort in making my
own choices based on individual
taste and style.
4. A favourite place to relax
My bed with all its comfy cushions.
5. Kettle
A place is truly a home when you
know you can ‘go home and make
yourself a cup of tea’.
14
Worry not dearly love struck, heart broken, hopeless romantic Ormondians, for
your beloved Love Doctor is back to preach the word of Aphrodites in order to
restore love and devotion to your humble lives.
I do hope that you had a fruitful break from University – hopefully filled with
the glory of new or continued relationships. I come before you today in this fine
publication to discuss new romances that I have bought to light using my finely
tuned nose for sniffing out budding relationships. See below
Be careful carmo! The girl you are
chivalrously feeding with soup
obviously has her eyes on somebody
else’s prize. I reward your persistence
but maybe it’s time to stop spooning
and start forking.
Note to next years Males - make
sure your date is satisfied so she
doesn’t try to eat your face - it might
help you have a sleep over and not
just a slumber party....
What a cute photo! If I were a
chemist, I would say these two have
chemistry. All relationships start
with sharing a chocolate medal and
end up with a sophisticated long
term relationship. If Lachlan can
get over his late night extra curricular activities, the catch ‘22’ for this
couple may cease to exist.
15
Some couples bond over coffee.
Some couples bond over macroeconomics. This couple does both. Us
trained in the ways of love know
that there is no greater aphrodisiac
than supply and demand. This pair
need further observation to determine whether they share anything
more than just a cheeky smile.
Finally, this love doctor would like to give the sick little love puppies some
advice on how to develop a relationship with beautiful women. I call it the
O.L.D 5 Step Plan.
Step 1: Take them to a beautiful Ball
Step 2: Get a nice photo with your
date & make it your Profile Picture.
Step 4: Show them a great time on the
dancefloor
Step 5: Plan your wedding.
Step 3: Give them a cheeky kiss on the
cheek to make them feel Special.
Need romantic advice?
Want to see how your relationship stands up?
Not sure how to impress that special someone? Contact our very own LD...
[email protected]
16
The Ormondian’s exclusive interview with
the Master of the Cubes, Alex Cameron
With a standing record of 24.7 seconds, the
interviewers were a little bit intimidated by
Alex quickly assurring us that he would take
“any chance
to exhibit
[his] cubes.”
Alex started seriously cubing as a way to
pass time on the bus to school in Year 11. A
rivalry with a friend saw him claim the ladder to cubing fame in a year 12 talent show
‘cube-off.’ He has not yet found someone
who can consistently beat him but says it is
“a day I await with anticipation.”
But has this ‘skill’ lured many ladies to
Mo-Wing? “Well…I’ve had a lot of girls
ask if I could teach them how to solve it.”
Then he whipped out his ‘Glow-in-the-dark’
cube (obviously his ultimate ‘move’.) An
ex-girlfriend had reputedly “hated the cube”
complaining that he spent more time playing
with it than spending time with her. But that
was before he really branched out his collection.
He now sports a range of more than 5 cubes
including the Mega Minx (the sauciest of
cubes), a fully functional key-ring cube and
an
alarm clock cube. But
how does he maintain
his cubes? The answer
is simple – cube lube.
Commercial, oil-based
lube is a no-no; “I use
a silicon-based lubricant.”
How does one tell when
a cube needs lubing? “It’s
all about the feel,” he says,
deftly flicking the cube through
his fingers, “This one could do with a
lube…”
And finally, is there a cube he can’t solve?
Apparently... “the 6x6 still eludes me…”
17
ison
d
d
A
We’re airing out the best mansions... er, rooms on the
WithDavis
crescent. Think yours has what it takes? Contact
[email protected]!
Ormond has given
me so much.
My whole life is in
this room.
Wardrobe:
The storage in
Picken cupboards
is amazing!
Bed:
I keep all my really
important stuff under
my bed.
Studying:
This is a really tranquil study space.
Map:
This keeps me
from getting lost.
It has all the best
ice cream places in
Melbourne marked
on it, my girlfriend
made it for me!
Alcohol:
I’m not an alcoholic - I just like
the stuff!
Drawer:
I wear these for
special times.
18
Horoscopes
by Phoenix Stars
Tom Will get lost
in the Woods.
Take a Rydon the love
train, you’ll have a
Heller-va good time.
Hanna-conders are
hungry for your bone,
Marrows.
The Chambers have
reopened. But the prize Isn’t
there for the Pickering.
Recently off the chains, the
Ram has left the Den, and
has Sam cornered.
Take the bus home
via Smith St, it Will be
much more fun.
Chow have you
been Shea-tly?
Watch McLeods
Daughters, rumour is they
found their Paradise.
The rivers are blood
Red, get Row-ing before
the Baers come.
Naomi pierced herself
with a Stanley knife.
Maybe the Saints will
hear your prayers... if you
prayer for more than a
Minnette.
Mr Bennett prefers
ferrero Roche(rs)
Overheard
“DUDE you kicked me in the balls!”
- Dan Kelly
“I was trying to seduct you”
- Ryan Hodgman
“I got so drunk, then I went to pre drinks”
- Sam Taylor
“Until a couple of years ago I thought
wolves were made-up creatures...like a
myth” - Liv Barlow
Taking Bridie back from sports ball, Ali
Goodman overheard this...
Bridie Walsh: “Look at me, look at me in
the eyes. Do it. Now.”
Cabbie: “Please don’t make me. You are not
nice. You are scary.”
“I’d shag Tiger [Woods] for free... I wish I
was one of those 16 girls...” - Billy Thomas
”You don’t get it: the dorkier you look, the
better you are at hiking”
Jono Thomas to Lauren Gill
“That’s my problem with women. I’m getting all generous and bribing them with
baklava, but then I take the last baklava and
I’m a dick. It’s a vicious and delicious cycle”
- Tom Bell
‘‘The thing about New Zealand being such
a small country is that things travel fast,
and I’m not just talking about the STI’s’’
- Kaarina Parker
“I feel we can relate to them because they
are basically alcoholics”
- Annika Neil
Marcel: “I watched Eat Pray Love last
night. It was good, have you seen it?”
Bridie: “nah, I’m not a big fan of cooking
shows...”
“... & with that haircut he could make a
good fatality.”
- Tom Bransden
“I distance myself from these comments.
I can’t remember when the last comment
was made. I’m sure I didn’t say it... or it had
reasonable context.”
- Will Mosley
“I have a rack, it’s the most useful thing I
own”
- Georgia Brough
“If you look at the world through whiskey
everything is golden” - Logan Denny
19
Forest Trivia
WHO AM I:
6 Points: I was born in May 1930, in
San Francisco, California
5 Points: My first jobs were as a
lifeguard, and a swim instructor to the
military.
4 Points: Starring in some Sergio
Leone spaghetti westerns, the film “The
Good, the Bad and the Ugly”, found
tremendous success in the US.
3 Points: In 1971, I uttered the immortal
lines “do you feel lucky, punk?” as Dirty
Harry
2 Points: Recently I became the oldest
leading man to reach #1 at the box office, with the film Gran Torino.
1 Point: An acclaimed actor, director and producer, and known for my
trademark scowl and raspy voice, I am
Clint ...?
Two Points:
Three Points:
1. What song begins with “Alabama
Arkansas, I do love my ma and pa...”?
2. DNA stands for ...?
3. Who is the President of Indonesia?
4. In South Park, “Man Bear Pig” is
used as an analogy for which realworld threat?
5. What is the largest regular public
music poll in the world?
6. Dr Conrad Murray is currently being
tried in the US for the involuntary manslaughter of which celebrity?
7. Who hosts ABC’s Q & A?
8. For which clubs did Mick Malthouse
play?
9. The two tributaries of the Nile River
are named after which two colours?
10. Which musical term is used to
describe solo or group singing without
instruments?
1. When talking about beers, the
abbreviation IPA stands for?
2. Which colloquially celebrated
Australian Lieutenant and war criminal was executed by the British for
his unlawful killing of Boers in the
Boer War?
3. Tony Martin and Ed Kavalee
appear in the new TV show named
The Joy of ...?
4. Sybylla Melvyn is the heroine in
which novel by Miles Franklin?
5. The Tagus (or Tajo/Tejo) river
flows through which two countries?
6. This flag belongs to which country?
Garfield WIthout Garfield
ANSWERS:
1. In which direction to cyclones spin,
clockwise or anti-clockwise?
2. Shane Warne has become recently
engaged to which English actress?
3. Who was the 2011 Brownlow Medallist?
4. Name any two Kings of England who
are the subject of a Shakespearean
play.
5. How many points are on the Commonwealth Star, found directly below
the Union Jack on Australia’s flag?
6. Fangoria magazine specialises in
which genre of films and literature?
7. Which Grand Final Pre-match entertainer butchered his 70s classic songs?
8. Boolean algebra is a field relating
most closely to: a) biology, b) computer
science, or c) thermodynamics?
9. Contestants on Australia’s Junior
Masterchef recently baked desserts for
which politician?
10. Hugh Jackman’s new ‘robot boxing’
film is titled?
One Point 1. Clockwise 2. Elizabeth Hurley 3. Dane Swan 4. Kings John, Richard (II &III),
Henry (IV, V, VI, VIII), Edward III 5. Seven 6. Horror 7. Meatloaf 8. Computer Science 9.
PM Julia Gillard 10. Real Steel Two Points: 1. Home, by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic
Zeros 2. Deoxyribonucleic Acid 3. Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono 4. Global Warming 5. Triple
J’s hottest 100 6. Michael Jackson 7. Tony Jones 8. Richmond and St Kilda 9. Blue Nile
and White Nile 10. A Capella Three Points: 1. Indian Pale Ale 2. Harry ‘Breaker’ Morant 3.
The Joy of Sets 4. My Brilliant Career 5. Spain and Portugal 6. Maldives Who am I? Clint
Eastwood
One Point:
Contact the Ormondian at
[email protected]
© 2011 OCSC