Surprising News About Self-Esteem

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Applauding every five minutes
isn't the best way to build
confidence in children. !n fact, it
could make their adult lives
harder. What does work-and why.
By Melissa Fay Greene
to his glowing sense of having entered the big
time. Had I gushed, "You are really a great
hitter, just like the Babe!" it simply would have
perplexed him.
Yet that sort of compliment is just the kind
of
thing we parents feel compelled to make in the
name of self-esteem. After all, doesnt everyAmerican child require an endless sound track ofhand-
clapping, huzzahs, and cheers from parents,
teachers, and coaches?
Not at all, says Marshall Duke, Ph.D., the
Charies Howard Candler professor of psychology
at Emory University in Atlanta. "Self-esteem has
become the single most imporrant consideration
in child-rearing and education," Duke complains.
-When
my son Lee signed up forT-ball at age four, he was
fttll of dreams of glory. For bedtime reading he requested,
in'lieu of the childhood classics, baseball biographies. On
sulmmer day eight years ago, when he stepped up for his
first,at bat, I watchedhim stop, survey the iandscape, then
Iift a-nd point his bat over the head of the pitcher toward
right-center field. Among the parents in the crowd, perhaps o,,rly I knew Lee was mimicking the gesture Babe
Ruth is said to have made in the 1932 \7or1d Series before swar:ting a historic home run. Then Lee swung his
limle hit and tore to first base.
Afterrvard, he walked with a small skip and a swagger
ro the car. He needed no words from me to contribute
a
But the "self-esteem movement" is suffering a
backlash as it comes under critical scrutiny from
Duke and other experts. It seems the notion that
a kid full of self-esteem will be popular and highachieving in school and in life is not well supported by
clinical pracrice. Nor, for that matter, does it ring true
*,irh many experienced teachers and parents.
\Mhatt especiallv curious about the belief that all children must feel pleased with themselves 24 hours a day
is thar we live in a rvorld full of successful adults who were
raised by parents zalobsessed
witl
self-esteem. Indeed,
previous generations of parents were more interested
in teaching their kids character, which included components of hard work, moraliry honesry, chariry and spiritualiry. The culdvation of self-esteem in a child who didnt
possess such trairs would have seemed a seriously misguided effort.
(continued)
,**
The only documented benefit to self-esteem, experrs
Third, and mosr important, praise is not nearly as useis that it helps a child confront a difficult siruation ful to a child as the ruth. "Failure is nor necessarily a bad
and cope with failure. "Consider self-esteem to be like rhing-itt feedback," Duke poinrs our. "Failure provides
money in a bank account," Du-ke says. "If a child gets into
the needed conrrasr that makes success all rhe sweerer
a situation that hurts him-say he doesn't win the when it happens."
"You act just like most of my reachers," my son Lee
election-it costs a few points. A kid whot got plenry
in his account can afford the loss." It is an effort to make complained during fifth grade, when I wenr in weekly
deposits in their childrent accounts that drives parents ro
to read novels to his class. "You never tell a kid he's wrong,
offer a strearn of ributes and accolades.
You say, '\fho knows the capital of Spain?'and someone
But there are three problems with that approach. First, says, 'Mississippi?' and you say, 'Almosr!"' Lee's favorite
it doesn't work. Self-esteem cannot be handed to a child; teacher, by contrasr, would say blundy, "No. 'Wrong," and
it must be earned. It is of no use for parents to say in call on the next arm-waving kid. She is the only reacher
effect, "Here's some, tuck it
ar.r'ay for when you need it."
The most reliable path to self-esteem is for a kid to attempt
The most reliable path to
self-esteem is for a kid to
a goal that is hard, to work toward it and, finally, either
sa1,,
anempt
a
goal he or she beliwes
is too hard, to work toward
to accomplish it or to feel that a good try was made.
it and, 6nally, either to accomplish it-run the mile, finish the
book, write the report-or to feel that
a good try was made.
Moreover, kids areni fooled by indiscriminate praise.
For their new book, WhatWorks with Children: Wisdom
and Reflections f'om People lYho Haue Deuoted Their Careers t0 Kids, Marshall Duke and his wife, Sara, an educator and learning-disabiliries specialist, solicited advice
from 40 professionals who have worked with children for
at least 25 years-"one thousand years of wisdom"-and
they discovered thar children have an uncannily accurate sense of where they stand in relation to their peers.
Theyknowwhot s-art, who's musical, who's funny, who's
popular. "Then along comes a teacher who gushes, 'Ev(and
eryonet grear ar art!"' Duke says,
the kid is looking
at his own picrure and at the picture painred by the girl
sirring next ro him, and he knows whatt what. The students lose respect for the teachert judgment."
Second, unaware of a child's goals, we may praise the
wrong thing. Say a young kid in Little League hirs a high
fy ball, an easy out, and runs back to rhe dugout. His parents call out, "Grear swing-you'll do better nexr rime,"
and the kid thinks, But I hit the ball. And all I wanted to
do wat to hit the ball.
Three ways tc give prais* tf'rat cs*nts
-iAKs YOUF CUES FROM THE CHILD DOn't impose adult
values on his or hei sense of accomplishment. lf the
child looks pleased or happy, then it's fine to say, "That
was hard," or "Good work."
LaAv= Hooru FcR FUBTT-IEB Acrit=vErurEr,rr lf you get to "Spec-
tacular!" right away, you can't backtrack to "Excellent."
SPRII.!'{LE THE CHiLD'S gAY
.,I
WIft
NONCO',iTIHGEi,JT COI{rfiENTS
Loi'5 YoU,'AND "YoU,a= SUCH A GocD KID,,
Not being associated with things done, these go to the
essence of the child's sense of selt: I may not always do
praiseworthy things, but l-inherently-am a good person.
SUc!-i As
Lee has ever had like that. She was his favorite.
The most egregious example Duke can recali involves
his daughter, Sharon Estroff, an elemenrary school
teacher. V4ren Estroffwas studying for her cerrificarion,
she was told: "Theret no need ever ro tell a child he or
she has given a wrong arswer. You should say, 'Thatt a
right answer, but ro a differenr question."'
In fact, when we muffe our children in ahaze of supportive words and blunt their experiences of consequences, we could be making ir harder for them to deal
with the real world. "There will be failure, there is failure,
there is judgment," Duke says. "You can be told you did
lousy job. You can be fired."
So what will srand a child in grearer stead than oceans
of self-esteem? Resilience-and a sense of reality. A kid
might gratefi.rlly swap a thesaurust womh of compliments
for an abiliry to read the facts ofiife correctly and to cope
with them. A child whot not reading by third grade does
not wanr to be told for the rhousandth time that Thomas
Edison was also a late reader; such a child requires honesry, support, and strategies.
Our job as parents is so much greater and more compiex than trying to keep our children eternally reassured.
\7e must stand back and let each child enjoy-or suff,erthe rich, complicated, ambiguous experiences of f is
or her own life.
'When my son Seth was a linle boy, a silly, skinn,v, cirrll.
haired little shrimp, he was given a Supermai: crsrrlme.
He headed upstairs and spent long moments i:: fro,:it of
the fuli-length mirror in the barhroom i;efore cr;ming
down to announce, "I look a lot more like Supermm tlan
a
I ever realized I did."
Somehorn, we resisted all temptation ro say, ''!'es. you
iook just like Superman, and you're so srrong tool" \7e
said nothing. \(/harever was going on, we knew intuitively,
was between Seth and the mirror. *