September 29, 2000



September 29, 2000
Virginia Law Weekly
The Newspaper of the University of Virginia School of Law Since 1948
“Freedom of religion, freedom of the press;
freedom of persons under the protection of the
habeas corpus; and trial by juries impartially
selected, — these principles form the bright
constellation which has gone before us, and
guided our steps through an age of revelation
and reformation.”
North Grounds
A big thumbs up
is certainly due to all
of the first-year sections for providing a
wonderful Foxfield spread last
Sunday. Special recognition goes
to Sections E and F, whose members Nessa and Dean ran a fullystocked bar out of the back of a
white SUV all day long. They were
extremely friendly, had alcohol
long after most other sections ran
out, and, as far as ANG can remember, made a mean mimosa.
Wondering what they’re building behind the Taco Bell? ANG’s
been investigating, and according
to an anonymous source (okay, it’s
the Taco Bell drive-thru guy), it’s
going to be a Blockbuster, which is
really great, because now there
will be at least six places that you
can rent videos within a one-mile
radius. Who’s watching all these
If we printed student quotes of
the week, this would be our winner. In response to Professor G.E.
White’s question, “Why would a
60-year-old man invite a young
female guest on his boat,” a student said, “The same reason most
60-year-old men would invite a
20-year-old woman to their boat. I
know all about it; I worked at a
law firm last year.”
Diversity Fest 2000 will take
place on Thursday, Oct. 5, from 3
to 7 p.m. Come out and celebrate
the diversity of cultures and ideas
at U.Va. Law. There will be games,
food, music, and a host of other
events. Spouses, children and significant others are welcome. This
event is sponsored by a coalition of
law student organizations.
Thumbs down to
people taking multiple bagels on Tuesdays. There are not
enough bagels for people to be
stocking up for winter. Didn’t they
teach you to share in kindergarten?
Moot Court Board is still looking for 3Ls who would like to be
first-round judges (and get pizza
in return). Interested parties —
no, we mean disinterested parties
— should contact Lathrop Nelson
at [email protected] Oral arguments for 2Ls begin on Monday,
Oct. 2.
Make sure you have your ID
cards; the security system is expected to be operational within a
week. Stay tuned to ANG for more
Thumbs up to the
staffers in Café
Double-Wide who
work all day in a windowless trailer for our benefit.
In this issue:
Considering a clerkship?
................................ p. 4
Law School Olympic
Sports ..................... p. 7
Vol. 53, No. 6
Friday, September 29, 2000
Subscriptions Available
First-Year Class Pr ofile Released
Minority Representation Up, African-American Enrollment Falls by Half
by Jonathan Riehl ’02
The administration has released
statistical data on the makeup of
this year’s entering class and has
responded to questions concerning two substantially decreased
segments of the Law School population.
Compared to last year’s class,
the number of African-Americans
and the number of University of
Virginia undergraduates both
dropped by about 50 percent.
“We are certainly concerned,”
said Law School Dean Robert E.
Scott, addressing the drop in African-American representation. “If
diversity matters anywhere, it
matters in a law school,” Scott said.
Inside the Numbers
This year, 16 African-American
students enrolled (of 62 offered admission), compared to 30 last year
(of 71 offers). This drop in enrollment, however, does not correspond to a drop in applications,
which in fact increased slightly,
from 241 to 246. Dean Scott described the current situation primarily in terms of increased competition between top-ranked law
schools, all of which are seeking to
attract talented African-American
The total number of minority
students who accepted admission
in this year’s class increased from
50 to 53, with the largest percent-
age jump occurring among Hispanic students, whose enrollment
increased from three to 13. All of
these statistics represent voluntary responses on ethnic identification, which 18% of accepted students left blank.
are, in the words of Dean of Admissions Albert Turnbull, “an increased number of students coming from the finest schools in the
nation.” Yale’s alumni representation nearly doubled; Princeton’s
almost tripled.
•336 students accepted from 3,238 applicants
•Acceptance rate: 10.3%
•Male: 58%
Female: 42%
•Minorities: 16% (53)
•African-Americans: 5% (16)
•In-State Residents: 38% (126)
•U.Va. Undergraduates: 9% (31)
“Double Hoos,” those Law
School students already holding
an undergraduate degree from
U.Va., also saw their number decrease by about 50 percent. And
while fewer undergraduate
schools are represented compared
to last year (111 versus 138), there
Turnbull expressed his disappointment at the fact that women
and men are not represented in
numbers as close to 50/50 equality
as they were last year. This year’s
entering class is 42 percent female.
Dean Scott stressed that the
decreased number of AfricanAmericans reflected a change in
acceptance rates, not in substantial change in the number of offers
of acceptance made by the admissions committee.
Scott acknowledged what he
perceives as difficult-to-predict legal terrain in the area of affirmative action programs, while also
expressing his appreciation of Supreme Court Justice Lewis
Powell’s famous plurality opinion
in the Regents of the University of
California v. Bakke case — an opinion which described diversity in
education as a worthwhile state
goal in and of itself.
“We pursue that goal conscientiously,” Scott said, noting that he
has responded to decreased African-American enrollment with a
specific set of initiatives. “This is a
personal commitment of mine,” he
Encouraging Diversity
Scott plans to react to the increased competition between top
law schools in a number of ways,
including increasing funding for
scholarships and other awards. He
has increased funding for the
granting of discretionary, meritbased “Dean’s Scholarships” for
the second year in a row, and is
also boosting the recruitment budget by 30 percent. Scott also seeks
see PROFILE page 3
Faculty Commit to Pro
Bono Causes
by Elizabeth Amory ’01
Have you done your 75 hours of
pro bono work? Professor Dan Ortiz
has. In fact, while the Law School
goal of 75 hours of pro bono in
three years applies only to students, this is one more area where
U.Va. Law students can learn a lot
from their teachers.
One of several U.Va. faculty
members who donate their time
and legal expertise, Professor Ortiz
is currently involved in not one but
two pro bono cases. The first,
Gamboa v. Chandler, involves a
challenge to a 1982 federal rule
that any value in one’s car beyond
$1500 counts against one’s Medicaid and AFDC eligibility. Originally brought in federal court by
Hawaii Legal Aid, the case was
turned over to Professor Ortiz and
colleagues George Rutherglen and
Pam Karlan (now at Stanford University) in 1996 when the Federal
Government passed a law barring
legal services providers receiving
federal funds from litigating class
action law suits.
Four years later, the case, which
was moved to state court after the
opposition asserted 11th Amendment immunity, has now made its
way up to the Hawaii Supreme
Court. The professors argue that
the rule, which denies people Medicaid and AFDC benefits based only
on the value of their cars, is arbitrary and capricious; the action
also raises the general and more
novel administrative law issue of
whether a rule, if acceptable when
originally passed, can become arbitrary and capricious through
A little closer to home, Professor Ortiz’s involvement in the second of his pro bono cases stems
more from his personal interests
than professional ones. In Bolick
v. Roberts, Professor Ortiz is working with a lawyer in Williamsburg
and colleagues Chris Sanchirico
and Charlie Goetz to challenge
the section of Virginia law regulating alcoholic beverages that
makes it illegal for individuals in
Virginia to import wine from out
of state. This section of the law
dates back to the time just after
Prohibition when the state, attempting to curb both alcohol consumption and organized crime,
separated out manufacturers,
wholesalers, and retailers of wine
and beer.
The result is that all wine or
beer sold in Virginia or to Virginians must go from the manufacturer through a wholesaler and
then to a retailer before reaching
the consumer. The only exception
to this is an allowance for direct
orders from Virginia wineries
which was designed to encourage
the state’s own wine industry. The
argument being made in Bolick v.
Robert is that allowing a resident
of Virginia to order a bottle of
wine directly from a winery in
Virginia but not from a winery in
any other state violates the dormant commerce clause.
According to Ortiz, if a commodity other than alcohol were
involved “this would be a slam
dunk,” but the 21st Amendment,
which repealed Prohibition, does
give the states more power where
alcohol is concerned. Whether this
is enough power to cure the problem under the dormant commerce
clause is now before the Virginia
courts to determine. The state’s
motion for summary judgment will
be heard before a magistrate judge
in October.
Also raised in the case are the
possible antitrust implications of
see PRO BONO page 3
Printed on
recycled paper
photo by Brian Gist
Law students enjoy a sunny day at the races.
Horses and Red Necks
at the Foxfield Races
by Darcey Rhoades ’03
Here’s a new joke for you. You
might be a redneck if…you didn’t
read my article in last week’s Law
Weekly! What were you guys thinking?
The Foxfield Races, featuring
six horse races held this past Sunday in Charlottesville, occurred
on a day that was very, very hot
and sunny — despite weather predictions to the contrary. Those poor
souls who didn’t heed last week’s
advice and wear hats or sunscreen
are now boasting fire engine red
faces and necks. Thumbs up to
those of you who showed great
style and intelligence by wearing
hats, including Section D guest
Susan Blank who sported a great
brown felt cowboy hat that was
the envy of many.
Despite the sun damage, the
First Year Council was pleased
with the results of its efforts to
coordinate the Law School tailgates. “Our goals were to have
good attendance, to have everyone enjoy themselves, and make
sure that all of the students were
well provided for. I think from
that standpoint that Foxfield was
a great success. It’s a credit to the
first-year class,” said First Year
Council Vice President Lee Miller,
who just happens to be the proud
bearer of a very red neck.
The Law School was obviously
well known from previous Foxfield
events for its alcohol-related exploits, as the tailgating plots were
located on a far side of the infield
where the students could not harass the other spectators. The firstyear sections put out a plentiful
spread of food, ranging from fried
chicken and barbecue to molten
homemade cookies and cakes
(thanks to the unrelenting sun).
The sections also took great care
to prepare the bars for the seemingly insatiable thirsts of the students.
“The tailgating was better than
I expected. There was much better
food, and much more alcohol than
I thought we’d have. We didn’t run
out of drinks, and I thought that
we probably would. I was surprised
see FOXFIELD page 3
Virginia Law Weekly
Jury Box
What do you think the Law School
should do to increase diversity in
the student body?
Afi Johnson-Paris, 2L: “The offering
of minority-targeted scholarships, and
the active recruitment of quality minority students.”
Kelly Barbour, 3L: “Continuing to focus recruiting efforts on particular areas of the country and particular schools;
in other words, stop admitting Duke
Joe Bowser, 1L: “Increase the breadth
and range of courses which are typically
sought after by members of minority
no photo
Mike Myers, 3L: “Two words: more
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legal community at large. Views expressed in such submissions are those of the author(s) and not
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Virginia Law Weekly
Editorial Board
Rich Bland
Amy Collins
Sarah Shalf
Executive Editor
Senior Editor
Tarah Grant
Friday, September 29, 2000
From the Editor -inChief
Last week’s lead story on the
Dean search process (“Charges of
Bias Leveled in Dean Search Process”) has provoked much comment. It was and is my hope that
the article will encourage a full
debate about the process of selecting a Dean and the potential
Rich Bland, a thirdyear law student, is
the Law Weekly
I stand by my decision to run
the story. I am in the awkward
position of having to defend a
story which I co-wrote but feel
obligated to clarify a few points.
As you can see, the Letters to
the Editor page is replete with
criticism as well as praise. The
criticism of the article has focused
on two areas, the use of anonymous sources and the inferences
that could be drawn from the article. I will address each in turn.
In journalism, the “golden rule”
of attribution, also called the “A.P.
rule,” is that as long as an anonymous source’s information is
backed by another source, it is
consistent with journalistic integrity to base a story on that information. The Washington Post, for
example, has a general policy requiring two independent sources
for an investigative story. Columbia University recently held a
panel discussion on anonymous
sources. During that panel, the
former editor of the Columbia
Journalism Review, Marshall
Loeb, said, “I’ve spent most of my
life covering business, and you
can’t get a story about corporate
abuses without granting your
source anonymity.”
Our article last week relied
largely on two anonymous
sources, one on the search committee itself and one from the
Law School administration. Each
of these sources felt that their
Amy Kobelski
Columns Editor
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Associate Production Editor
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Associate Features Editor
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© 2000 Virginia Law Weekly
career might be in jeopardy if
they were named. I respected that
belief at the time of publication,
and still do. Furthermore, after
having had my personal integrity
impugned by faculty members for
my decision to write and publish
a story about what I felt were
honest allegations based in fact, I
can understand why many members in this community are hesitant to go “on the record” on any
number of issues.
I regret that to some our article implied that we as individuals consider Professor Jeffries an
undesirable candidate for Dean,
for that is far from the truth. We
simply reported that some members of the Law School community feel that the search process
is inherently flawed in his favor.
Furthermore, undisputed evidence shows that the faculty members — including committee members — were led to believe that
the search could be short as well
as narrow. A plausible inference
follows that this type of process
favors the strongest internal candidate.
I regret as well that to some
our article implied that Vice President and Provost Low was the
original designer of this arguably
flawed process — in the first few
sentences we stated that this is
the way the Dean has been selected for a number of graduate
schools here at U.Va. We simply
reported that some members of
the Law School community feel
that a process allowing one person to select all members of the
committee will not produce the
fairest cross-section of the community. By contrast, Columbia
Law School, as we pointed out,
used a vote of the faculty to choose
the search committee.
I hope this clarifies the allegations made by our sources as well
as my decision to run the story
despite their desire to remain
SBA Notebook
Diversity Fair, Thursday,
October 5
Terrica Redfield has been
working diligently for several
months to put together this event.
This promises to be one of the
year’s best events, and I hope
everyone makes an effort to attend. Next week Terrica will be a
guest columnist for the SBA Notebook.
Managing Editor
Howard Chang
Brendan Johnson,
a third-year law
student, is SBA
The Fall Picnic, Thursday,
October 19
The date has been set. On October 19, the Student Bar Association will be hosting its biannual picnic. This year, Bar-Bri
has agreed to chip in $500 to help
fund the event, so you should expect a great afternoon. In order to
ensure the success of this event,
it will be planned and coordinated
by Lakshmi Paranthaman, and I
will be coordinating trash removal
following the event. Once again, I
encourage students and staff to
attend and to bring your families.
Congratulations and my appreciation to the first-year class
and Graduate School Interaction
Committee for a great showing at
this year’s races. I have long objected to placing the burden of
Foxfield on first-year students,
but the power of tradition (and
upper-class inertia) has required
the first-years to host second- and
third-years. Although I am sympathetic to the first-years, just
think what your peers at
Georgetown Law were doing this
Interview Tips For
Students Below the Mean
My friend and classmate, Amy
Collins, wrote an insightful column two weeks ago in which she
provided important tips for students during the interview process. Unfortunately, Amy writes
with the bias of someone who actually received interviews in the
month of September. This section
is dedicated to my brethren who
start the interview process in
October, after people like Amy
start dropping the extra firms
from their list.
•Place Your Resumé on CASE
While some take this step for
granted, I appreciate how difficult it is to find the time to read
the fine print that explains how
to upload your resumé.
•Select a Geographic Region
But please don’t select South
Dakota. The employers in smaller
states like South Dakota are not
aware that we have a B+ mean.
Consequently, a C+ looks pretty
damn respectable.
•Know Your Firm
You must decide whether boot
camp is right for you. In addition
to the different formats of the
summer programs, most firms
have a distinct personality. I
found that it was particularly dif-
Legacy: Faculty
Quotes of the W eek
And the Winner Is...
J. Cannon: “Please do try to
come on time. When people come
in late I worry — will they find a
seat? And will they be comfortable? And I’m afraid I’ll lose my
train of thought, which is tenuous at best.…I mean, it’s not that
hard — it’s NOON.”
B. Cushman: “No one says,
‘Mmmm, these green beans are
delicious! Please pass said green
B. Cushman: “Hmmm…what
do I have to lose if I contest this
will? BUPPKISS!!!”
W. Wadlington: “The first reaction I have to that is, ‘Use a
G. Robinson: “Do you guys
remember the Rolling Stones?
They’re a kind of famous group.”
Followed by a stirring rendition
of “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.”
S. Henderson: “I think what
was rattling around in my head
yesterday was Meatloaf, Bat Out
of Hell. Any of you remember that?
‘Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad?’
You’re too young — anyway, great
L. Walker: “I’ve never kept a
burro for pleasure, but maybe
some of you have.”
G. Robinson: “So Harvard
says, ‘We don’t want a bunch of
snotty rich kids coming to
Harvard; we’ve got enough of
them already....Let ’em go to
J. O’Connell: “It’s not like I’m
some kind of rock-ribbed conservative. I mean, I voted for
McGovern, for God’s sake! I voted
for Mondale! I voted for all those
ficult to get interviews from firms
that I had heard of, or firms that
had more then one name in their
In addition, you should know
what type of clients the law firm
represents. Many of the law firms
that visit campus have made their
reputations defending tobacco
and handgun manufacturers. Although everyone is entitled to legal representation, as a young
lawyer in a hot market you don’t
have to do work you don’t believe
in. Furthermore, this is the most
powerful position you will be in
for several years, so let the firms
know you don’t like their clients.
•Buy the Virginia Law
You can get this attractive
leather notepad at Courts & Commerce for only $20. This accessory has no practical purpose.
However, you need it because all
of the kids who interviewed in
September used it. If you doodle
in the notepad, make sure to remove all inappropriate sketches
before the interview.
•Talk to Third-Years
You can find out a lot about
law firms and legal markets by
talking to third-years. There is a
lot we would like to tell you, but
we won’t put it in writing. Additionally, if you are having a difficult time finding a job then you
need a third-year who can put in
a good word at their former place
of employment. The interview process is heavily influenced by connections and networks so you need
to play the game.
Virginia Law Weekly
Friday, September 29, 2000
Letters to the Editor
Committee Chair Defends
Dean Search
Reporters’ Efforts
To the Editor:
Perhaps you understand the
profound dismay with which I
read of charges of bias levelled at
the dean search committee that I
chair. These charges, attributed
to various anonymous sources, are
as damaging to the search process as they are unsupported by
any substantiating evidence. I
regret that the Law Weekly has
made itself the vehicle for such
anonymous attempts to publicly
criticize and — intentionally, or
not — disrupt the dean search
The substance of the charges,
as I understand them, are twofold: first, that the dean search
committee was appointed according to the ordinary procedures
that apply at this University and
all other universities (with the
possible exception of the University of Idaho); and second, that
the Law School has strong internal candidates for the position of
dean (I emphasize the plural in
If these are the charges, I must
confess that they are accurate.
They are also completely unexceptionable. The opposite situation — exceptional procedures and
the absence of any proven leaders
within the faculty — would more
naturally support the alarmist
headline that the Law Weekly
chose to put over this article.
No doubt speculation over who
will be the next dean will be a
topic of continuing interest and
discussion among all segments of
the Law School community. Our
committee is willing to hear from
anyone within our community on
this subject — students, alumni,
administrators, staff, and faculty.
Our search, however, will take
us far beyond our own community. Peter Low, contrary to the
implication of your article, has
asked us to conduct a national
search. I regret that your article
did not contribute to this process.
Very truly yours,
Prof. George Rutherglen
Dean Selection Committee
To the Editor:
I want to sincerely thank Rich
Bland and Amy Collins for their
article concerning the selection process of the next Dean in last week’s
Law Weekly.
All too often we, as law students,
shy away from debate and controversy outside the classroom in our
zeal to impress professors, employers, and administrators, when the
duty to be a good lawyer and citizen
calls for just the opposite. Rich and
Amy will, no doubt, be subject to
vigorous criticism, but I believe they
fulfilled their journalistic obligation
to the Law School community.
Although it may be that Professor Jeffries is the best candidate for
Dean, the questions they raised
about a selection process that is at
best lacking broad input from the
entire Law School community, and
at worst, a clumsy attempt to fast
track a chosen candidate, are issues
that are appropriate for journalistic
If Rich and Amy had chosen not
to expose this selection process to
the light of day, it is unlikely that
the vast majority of students would
have known about the process at
all. I encourage the Law Weekly to
keep up the good work and, hopefully, the Selection Committee will
broaden their representation within
the Law School community and promote debate on who will continue
the progress of our institution.
Ryan Coonerty ’01
Student Applauds Dean
Search Article
To the Editor:
My point in writing today is to
applaud Virginia Law Weekly for
having the courage to print last
week’s article on the process for
selecting the next dean of the Law
School. No doubt Amy and Rich will
be and probably have been subject
to a barrage of criticism from those
who would have preferred that the
issue be discussed within the faculty and administration. Such criticism is disappointing for it not only
risks stifling debate in the Law
School community, but because it
continued from page 1
to ensure the presence of AfricanAmerican student and faculty representatives at all recruiting
Turnbull recently returned
from what he described as an extremely successful Law School Admissions Council forum in Atlanta,
at which he was accompanied by
two African-American students.
Turnbull expressed his satisfaction with Scott’s new policies, while
also echoing Scott’s perception of
the competitive environment between schools in competing for students. “We’re working on this…but
every other law school is too,” he
Scott emphasized that concern
over the drop in African-American enrollment should not displace
the fact that overall minority representation has increased. He also
plans to include other minority
students in recruiting events.
Additional planned policy actions include a speeding-up of the
admissions process, which would
allow more students to attend
Admitted Students Weekend.
Voicing his belief that this student-to-student contact is a vital
component of any recruitment effort, Scott said he intends to make
financial support available for
travel to Charlottesville for the
The other notable change in
admission acceptances was among
U.Va. undergraduates. Last year,
57 Double-Hoos enrolled in the
Law School. This year, the total
dropped to just 31. “It’s odd,” Dean
Scott commented, adding that he
“hopes it’s just a one-year blip.”
Turnbull concurred, adding that
the drop in U.Va. representation
was “not foreseeable,” and did not
reflect any change in policy. As
with the drop in African-American enrollment, both Turnbull and
Scott pointed in this situation to
increased competition among top
law schools, and increased options
available to the strongest applicants.
In-State v. Out-of-State
In-state student representation
dropped from 159 last year to 126
this year. Although Virginia is a
public university, in-state to outof-state admission ratios are not
set by law.
Age, LSAT Average and LLMs
The average age of this year’s
entering class was 24, compared
to an overall law school average of
26 years of age. The median LSAT
score rose one point to 166, and
the median GPA dropped minimally from 3.7 to 3.63. Forty-five
states (including Virginia) and the
District of Columbia are represented.
In addition, students from Germany, France, and South Korea
are members of the J.D. class; over
20 nations are represented in the
LL.M. class.
also ignores Rich and Amy’s responsibility as editors of the Law
As editors of the student paper,
Rich and Amy have a duty to bring
issues of concern to the entire community to our attention and (while
I have never used the words journalists and Law Weekly in the same
sentence before) they are journalists. As student-journalists, Rich
and Amy have an obligation to provide a forum for voices of dissent
and to inform the student body of
issues that will affect them. A more
informed, more involved Law School
community which enjoys a robust
exchange of ideas between all of its
members will not only select the
best candidate for dean, but will
also ultimately build a better law
school. The Law School should commend, not criticize, Rich and Amy
for fulfilling their responsibility as
editors of the Law Weekly and as
members of the law school community.
Forrest Christian ’01
Professor Says Article
Lacks Substance
To the Editor:
I was disappointed in the journalistic quality of your story in last
Friday’s edition on the dean search
process. On the basis of virtually no
real information — and none from
people willing to be quoted by name
— you impugned the integrity of
the process by which the next leader
of the Law School community will
be chosen. Stripped of innuendo,
your story boils down to nothing
more than the fact that there is a
well-recognized strong inside candidate for the deanship. It would, of
course, be quite remarkable on a
faculty of this quality and national
prominence if there were not at
least one such candidate. This law
school has a long history of choosing
first-rate leaders, many but by no
means all of whom have demonstrated their commitment to the
community by prior service as faculty members.
Your story was seriously flawed
in a number of respects. Not only
did you draw inferences that the
actual information set forth in the
article simply did not warrant, but
your comparison to the processes at
other law schools was potentially
quite misleading. You quoted a disgruntled candidate for the Idaho
deanship without even bothering to
say what his charges were. And the
broad-scale review and interview
processes you report from several
other schools are by no means inconsistent with the process here,
which is only just beginning.
I am not a member of the search
committee, but I am personally acquainted with all but one of its members, and I cannot imagine any of
them taking part in a charade of the
kind your article sought to portray.
The committee membership is
broadly based, and I know for a fact
that it has been instructed by the
President and the Provost to conduct a serious, inclusive national
search for the best possible candidates. I have no doubt that the committee will do just that.
I do not fault you for attempting
to run a serious story about a serious issue facing the Law School. I do
fault you for making accusations
that have no basis in fact — at least
none in any of the facts detailed in
your story. In the process you have
disserved the idea of an inclusive
search. The very leveling of the unfounded charge may make it more
difficult to interest attractive outside candidates in the position.
Professor Earl C. Dudley, Jr.
Undergrad Replies
To the Editor:
I just read [Dana Foster's] article
"Observations from Club Morris."
Let me start off by saying that I am
an undergrad (oooooh). I'm letting
you know this so you will realize
exactly how immature you are. If an
undergrad — a breed who is supposed to be the "spawn of the devil"
and only reads "books with pictures
in them" (quotes from your oh-sowitty schoolmates) — can find you
to be rude and ignorant, then you
are in serious trouble.
First of all, undergrad girls don't
wear clothes that are any more revealing than the Law School girls.
We were actually made fun of a year
or two ago by a Law Weekly writer
for wearing too many sweat pants
(again, another poor attempt at wit).
Besides, why are you looking? Pervert. That isn't what really has me
riled up though. About halfway
through the article, you took a turn
for the worse. You began making
fun of "that old guy." If he ever
really bothered you (chips don't
count), then I would understand
the harsh treatment, but he's just a
nice lawyer (THAT is his profession, one I'm sure you'll never know
the likes of) who does his research
here. How do you think he's going to
feel when he reads what you wrote
about him?
I know you're trying to become a
lawyer and you therefore are attempting to rid yourself of your soul,
but this behavior is way too inconsiderate. Read this to your friends
and have a good laugh about it, but
seriously, think about how rotten
you've been.
Hope a little hate mail will liven
up your pathetically dull life.
Courtney Carr
And on a Lighter Note...
To the Editor:
I always enjoying [sic] reading
the top half of page two, but I think
that you should pay more attention
to your spelling in the Whitebread
Legacy and Jury Box features.
Page two’s Whitebread Legacy
quotes Professor Julia Mahoney as
saying, “Someone had the bright
idea of taking silicon and putting it
into breasts. Those of you who have
seen Baywatch know the rest.” I
think you meant to spell that sword word “silicone,” not “silicon.”
Silicone is the plasticized form of
the element. (Also, it’s how the CASE
TITLE spelled it.) If you put silicon
in someone’s breasts, then those of
us who have seen Robocop would
know the rest, not those of us who
have seen Baywatch.
Oops! You did it again. Page two
has another misspelling uncapturable by a spell-check program.
In the Jury Box feature, Charlie
Reed was quoted as backing “Brittany Spears” as a decanal candidate. Ms. Spears actually spells her
first name “Britney,” not “Brittany.”
A Brittany is a medium-sized pointing spaniel of French origin. So, to
paraphrase John Harrison, be careful about disrespecting a great pop
singer...or Ms. Spears.
Prof. John Setear
continued from page 1
that we didn’t,” said first-year Jack
Second-year Christine Genaitis
also enjoyed the sections’ efforts.
“The first-year class did an outstanding job with the tailgates.
Food was plentiful, and the drinks
flowed freely. Everyone seemed to
have a great time — despite the
insane heat!”
Some of the first-years were surprised at how laid-back the atmosphere was. “It was actually a lot
more subdued than what I thought
it was going to be. I guess that
Foxfield in the spring is more
crazy, but I thought it was going to
be more of a Mardi Gras atmosphere than it was,” said firstyear Ben Thorn.
Edwards agreed. “I’ve been in
the spring twice before. The event
this fall wasn’t nearly as big or
drunk or debaucherous, but it was
still fun.”
Many of the law students actually watched the horse races — a
change from years past, when the
students would come home from
the day saying, “Horses? What
Students also had a great time
cheering the horses to victory.
Some of the students, such as firstyears John Anderson and Sarah
Canzoniero, got really into it. It
wasn’t because they cared so much
about the horses, but because they
cared about their money that was
riding on the horses. They, along
with most of Section C, turned the
field into “Char-Vegas.”
However, first-year Julie Jordan found out the hard way that
it’s not good to pay very close attention to the horses. “Don’t stand
too close to the fence because you’ll
get hit with clods of dirt,” she advised.
That’s not dirt, Julie.
Pro Bono
continued from page 1
Law Christian Fellowship’s
Second Annual Barnyard Day
on Sept. 21 at Copeley Field promoted much fun and fellowship.
Participants competed in events
including the Egg Toss, Home
Run Derby, Pie-Eating Contest,
and Chicken Chase. Third-year
Scott Hultstrand spoke about his
faith and Big Jim’s barbeque was
enjoyed by all.
the current law which gives monopolistic power to wholesalers
who, without free competition, lack
market incentives. Muddying the
waters even further is the fact
that those benefiting most from
the scheme are huge campaign
contributors in state elections.
All in all, Ortiz admits that
while some aspects of his pro bono
involvement are fun, a lot of what
is required in these cases is just
“scuttle” work. Why does he get
involved? In part, he says, because
“it makes my work more interesting.”
Check out the Pro Bono Database on the Law School home page
under Public Interest to get involved. The second of Professor
Ortiz’s cases is one of over 30 opportunities for pro bono work currently available to U.Va. students.
Virginia Law Weekly
Friday, September 29, 2000
Clerking for Fun . . . and Profit
clerkship is the best year of their lation of judicial opinions?
by Stephen Galoob ’02
“Not a lot,” says Caleb Nelson,
Fall in Charlottesville is multi- legal experience, no matter
colored leaves, Civ Pro hornbooks, whether they do litigation or trans- associate professor and member
and a series of indistinguishable actional work,” said third-year stu- of the faculty clerkship committwenty-minute law firm inter- dent Johan Conrod, who will clerk tee. In most chambers, the judge
views. Yet this autumn, unlike for Federal Magistrate Judge does the intellectual “heavy liftprevious ones, will mark the start Waugh Crigler in Charlottesville ing” and the clerks are assigned
mostly research and administraof the mysterious judicial clerk- after graduation.
tive tasks. According to
ship application process.
Nelson, tales of clerks subThe process is mysterious
stantially influencing judicial
because, aside from a few
opinions are usually found in
widely acknowledged trubooks “written by former
isms, no one really knows how
judges select their clerks. PerNot every student sees the
haps the best advice anyone
practical benefit in a clerkcan give is to submit an unofship. “If I’m not interested in
ficial transcript, writing
litigation, [a clerkship] might
sample, and multiple letters
not add career potential,” said
of recommendation to a judge
second-year Matt Ballenger.
and hope for the best. The
Although it is well known
process is unusual this year
that clerkships in certain
because all semblance of orcourts provide more specialder has been removed and
ized training (e.g., the Delathe timetable has been deware Supreme Court for corfined by the most neurotic
porate law, the Court of Apcommon denominator. That
peals for the Federal Circuit
means that early October,
for patent and trademark
rather than late November
law), many students who deor early December, is now the
cide not to pursue clerkships
unofficial deadline for applying.
Professor Caleb Nelson, a former Supreme employ that time-tested
Court clerk, takes an active role in
U.Va. rationale: cost-benefit
All this neglects a more
assisting students with the clerkship
analysis. For some, the value
interesting question: Why
in specialized training isn’t
should anyone clerk in the
“I’m interested in criminal law, worth the lost wages and oftenfirst place? After all, we attend
law school in the middle of the possibly prosecutorial work. [A inconvenient locations of judicial
biggest bull market in recent his- clerkship] was the best place for chambers. For others, the relatory. Why give up a cushy firm job me to enhance that goal,” reasoned tionships formed with judges and
third-year Jason Dugas, who will fellow clerks (not to mention the
for a GS-11 salary?
The common answer to this clerk for Justice Martin on the snob appeal and bonus benefits)
influence the equation.
question is that clerkships are at North Carolina Supreme Court.
Time and experience may also
While clerking is likely to inonce more fun and more substantial than any comparable legal vite more substantive responsibil- influence the decision to clerk.
experience. After all, most sane ity than, say, working as a first- Some students who enrolled in law
people would surely prefer to help year associate, it is important not school directly from undergraduconduct a trial than to help con- to overstate the typical clerk’s ac- ate school foresee burnout. “I’m
duct document review. “Everyone tual importance. How much do ready to start my career and leave
I’ve ever talked to says that the clerks really matter in the formu- school,” says Ballenger, undoubt-
finding a suit or
sport coat
that feels right?
New York
The time is
This is your last chance to order a custom made suit in time
for interviews this fall. With savings of 40% off regular
suggested retail prices, Hickey-Freeman is the best
investment you can make for yourself. Please make an
appointment for a personalized fitting with your local
student representatives. Hurry space is limited.
Matthew Willey or Christa Willey
[email protected] [email protected]
Marriott Courtyard
1201West Main Street – Near the corner and across from the
Medical School
We also have a great new line of business casual wear, including
in stock sport coats available for purchase at the show and golf
wear at Click on Bobby Jones, write
down what you want and contact us for 30% off.
ers may pursue a clerkship for its
instrumental value in finding work
as an academic. Truly self-aware
people might see a clerkship as a
way to postpone the junior
associate’s typical 80-hour work
Here’s an interesting theory
that I concocted after a few beers:
A few of the most successful people
pursue clerkships because they
crave rejection and weren’t turned
down enough while interviewing
on-Grounds. Applying for a clerkship implicitly guarantees nothing if not multiple rejections.
Crossword Solution
Only a handful of firms
exist that offer the quality
and breadth of Cahill
Gordon’s practice. None
of them extends to
associates greater freedom
to shape their own legal
Cavalier Clothers
Friday, October 6th 8:30 AM - 6:30 PM
edly echoing the sentiments of
many law students.
On the other hand, spending
time in the real world before law
school might produce an equally
good reason not to clerk. “If anything [taking time off] would have
influenced me not to do a clerkship,” says Conrod. “You kind of
feel like you’re older and getting a
little farther behind; sometimes
you just want to get out there and
Perhaps there is no single best
way to determine why people clerk.
Some undoubtedly pursue a clerkship because of peer pressure. Oth-
Please visit our
We enjoyed meeting you in
our on-Grounds interviews.
website at
Please contact us if you
have any further questions.
Virginia Law Weekly
Friday, September 29, 2000
LLMs Swing into Action
by Rosena Rasalingam
LLM ’01
A significant feature of the
LLM program is the ability to
sample something new. Having
now experienced ISIS, cold calling and buying food from a trailer,
things could only get better. So
began an education in softball for
the LLMs. For the majority of
the class, softball is something
new and exciting, and under the
excellent tutelage of their peer
advisors, they have learned how
to run bases, catch high balls and
sandbag opponents.
After only one practice the
LLMs entered their first game of
the season against the highly
charged VELJ. With many of the
rules still a mystery, they were
forced to rely on their exotic good
looks and carefully tailored outfits (or at least that of one member of the team) to intimidate the
opposition. They were also compelled to take their game to an-
other level given the absence of some
of their star players (namely
Enrique Iglesias and his Latino
band), and the threats made by
these players against the team
should they lose.
The competition was not easy.
Perhaps unwittingly, VELJ employed tactics which significantly
tested their opposition. The prime
example was VELJ’s use of a scantily clad female as their pitcher. This
caused much concern and distraction among the LLM teammates.
While an entirely acceptable outfit
in the U.S., in many of the home
countries of the LLMs a woman
clad in such an outfit would have
been arrested, or, alternatively,
stoned by her relatives.
Eventually, after 50 minutes of
carefully executed plays and refined
batting technique, the LLMs
emerged victorious. Special mention should be made of Yoshi
Kawamura’s exceptional turn at
first base and the wonderful coach-
ing and fielding assistance of Rich
Bland and Anna Chesser. (For the
purposes of accurate reporting, it
should also be noted that VELJ
was unable to field a complete
team and in fact, the LLMs won by
The LLMs now look forward to
the season ahead knowing they
can at least do as well as, or better
than, the record of the previous
LLM class. (This is important, having suffered such a humiliating
defeat at the Dandelion Parade
following the huge pressure placed
on them by various sources, including this publication.)
Indeed, the consensus of the
LLMs is clear: enjoying the fresh
air and exercising is a healthy
alternative to being in the library.
Softball has provided an excellent
vehicle for camaraderie and
gamesmanship. Accordingly, it is
with much pride that the LLMs
participate in this fine U.Va. tradition.
photo by Brian Gist
Wearing a Libel Show T-shirt on the softball field proves you’re the coolest.
photo by Brian Gist
“Ten bucks says I can make it through the underpass before that
big oncoming tractor-trailer gets there.”
Driving in C-ville:
Unsafe at Any Speed
by Jon Woodruff ’03
The other day, I made the mistake of heading towards downtown
and thinking I could actually drive
through the Corner in a reasonable amount of time.
As my captivity in stop-and-go
Hell lengthened, and my language
approached Martin Scorsese movie
dialogue levels, I started wondering who exactly came up with the
layout of Charlottesville’s streets
and why the University doesn‘t
include a driving test as part of its
application process.
Driving around here is definitely a full-contact sport. The reasons are a) the roads, and b) the
drivers. Let’s begin with the logistics.
I come from the Midwest. There,
our streets go useful directions
like north/south and east/west.
You can tell which way you’re
headed just by knowing what road
you’re on. Streets meet at perpendicular intersections. And once a
street has established which direction it wishes to go, it continues
to go that way until dead-ending
into some type of corn or bean
Charlottesville, on the other
hand, greets its newcomers with
the intersection of Ivy and Old
Ivy. Have you ever tried to turn a
small U-Haul truck towing a
Mitsubishi Eclipse (read: 37 feet
of low-powered vehicle) 170 degrees “left” into the bowels of a
railroad viaduct only to have to
climb back up a steep incline on
the other side? (Tip for the masses:
do not attempt in the middle of the
night after driving for 16 consecutive hours.)
Putting a town in the rolling
foothills of the Blue Ridge might
have made sense when we were all
going about our business via horse
and buggy, but it creates a multitude of difficulties in the internal
combustion era.
Today, we’re trying to go far
and fast, and it doesn’t really work
when roads meander haphazardly
— up, down, left and right —
changing names every time they
change direction.
Driving east, for example, Ivy
Road becomes University, which
becomes West Main, which becomes West Water, and nary a
turn lane is needed to complete
the task.
In the other direction, West
Market becomes Preston, which
becomes Barracks. Emmet Street
is Seminole Trail north of some
imaginary line of demarcation,
which is about where it starts to
resemble the Autobahn with stoplights, too. (And if anybody can
explain what’s going on at the corner of West Main and Ridge, you’re
a better person than me.)
Never in my life have I had to
use the brake and gas pedals more
often just to try to keep a constant
speed. Sightlines are so bad here
that pulling out onto a main road
requires more prayer and divine
guidance than the 700 Club could
ever hope to offer.
Now, we Midwesterners are
usually made fun of because we
get all the newfangled stuff last,
but that evidently must not hold
true for traffic control devices.
Back home we have neat little
thingamajobbies like “traffic-sensitive” and “timed” stoplights.
Somebody ought to make a presentation to the C’Ville City Council.
For the uninitiated, “traffic-sensitive” means, “the light won’t turn
red if there’s nobody trying to cross
in the other direction.” “Timed”
means the lights “turn green at
the pace that would allow someone driving the speed limit to not
have to stop at every intersection.”
Both would be useful at the aforementioned University/W. Main/
Water Street “thoroughfare.”
Making matters worse are the
drivers. There are many types to
be found in Charlottesville, most
of which are different variations
on the same theme — bad.
Around U.Va. Grounds, one has
to look out for dense academic
types (usually spotted in Ford
Festivas with many bumper stickers) whose brainpower sometimes
gets in the way of fully-functioning motor skills. Either that or the
conversation they’re having in the
car is so important that they immediately forget about the existence of turn signals.
It’s also best to be wary of male
under-Hoos on the prowl. Their
parent-provided Beemers have a
tendency to abruptly slow down in
the vicinity of anything with
blonde hair and a skirt.
The large retiree contingent often showcases its talent for random bouts of indecision near turn
lanes and parking lots. The resulting Oldsmobile- and Buick-led
“processions at five mph” are a
staple in and around the Barracks
Road Shopping Center.
Finally there are the SUV drivers. To them it’s their world and
the rest of us are just…well, they
can’t see the rest of us — they’re
too high in the air.
An executive at my previous job
was once quoted as saying SUVs
may actually cost automobile insurance companies less in terms
of bodily injury claims because
they tend to kill more people than
cars do (it’s a logical argument,
think about it).
Each Fordzilla and Navigatasaurus owner here seems to make
it his life’s calling to test out that
theory. A helpful reminder from
the rest of us who don’t have to
pole vault to reach our driver’s
seat — we can’t see a thing when
you’re in front us, next to us, or
behind us, so get out of the way!
Using more gas than a Russian
tank is not a sign of superiority.
All this and there are no good
radio stations to listen to in the
car either…but that’s another column.
Virginia Law Weekly
Friday, September 29, 2000
Virginia Law Weekly
Friday, September 29, 2000
Johnny Cash, Live and Uncut
Columbia Re-releases Two Classic Concerts
Johnny Cash is an American
original: a poor kid from Arkansas who beat the odds all the way
to the top of the charts; who fought
his way through bad company
and bad habits, got straight, and
whose music has influenced generations of artists and listeners
for half a century, from Dylan to
Wyclef. Sony and Columbia
Records have finally re-released,
in their entirety, two of his greatest records. Here’s Johnny Cash,
uncensored: cursin’, hootin’,
hollerin’ and all.
Johnny Cash started out
Music Review
by Jonathan Riehl
Rockabilly Blues on Sun Records,
part of the squad that spawned
Jerry Lee Lewis and Elvis Presley.
If it weren’t for the recent onset of
a debilitating medical condition,
he’d probably still be writing and
recording, following up on a pair
of successful albums on Rick
Rubin’s independent American
rock label.
But if you want to hear Cash in
his element, Cash at his very
best, then you want to hear him
live in Live at Folsom Prison and
Complete Live at San Quentin.
These two records, recorded in
1968 and 1969, re-introduced
Cash to the vibrant musical world
of the sixties, and his unique
brand of folk-country-rock took
off like never before.
Cash was a rebel, an ex-con
who sang not only about killing
and adultery and being alone in a
death row cell, but about being
thrown in Starkville County Jail
for picking daisies past midnight
in Mississippi. Cash sang about
John Henry and his Hammer, about
Peace in the Valley, and the Green,
Green Grass of Home. The Man in
Black sang in a husky bass-baritone about the hardest but also the
sweetest things in life.
He does so in these concerts, in
front of crowds of hardened maximum-security criminals and surrounded by armed guards, who his
record producer recalls in a liner
essay, couldn’t have done much to
protect Cash and his band (which
included his wife June Carter Cash
and her sisters) if trouble had started
to broil. Happily, none did. Cash
revels in the tense atmosphere,
laughing with the men, telling his
producers to shove off and enjoying
more than a few cracks at the wardens.
Prison Blues,”
one of Cash’s
biggest hits,
opens the first
concert. It was
in 1955 that
Johnny Cash
prisoner who
“shot a man in
Reno just to
watch him
die.” Pretty
rough stuff for
a decade we
sometimes remember more for
Leave It To Beaver. Cash’s songs
about violence are tempered,
though—his prisoners are behind
bars, and they are usually deeply
torn, if not repentant, men. His
Folsom prisoner “knows he can’t be
free/but that lonesome whistle’s
blowin’ and that’s what tortures
He rips through other prison
songs, some of them sad, some of
them angry, some of them full of
regret. “Send My Love to Rose”
expresses a father’s regret for
deserting of his family; “Greystone
Chapel” sees God as a lonely, but
solid refuge in a prison’s “house of
sin”; “Dark As a Dungeon” and
“The Wall” tell of the prisoner’s
despair and search for release—
even if it means denial through
fantasy, or suicide.
Then there is the comic relief:
Cash does show a sense of humor,
most famously in “A Boy Named
Sue,” or “Dirty Old Egg-Sucking
Dog,” which hardly needs description. Then there’s “Flushed from
the Bathroom of your Heart,” a
tune with it’s own take on the
country love (or not) song. “Up
the elevator of your
life I’ve
b e e n
Down the
disposal of
your life
I’ve been
up.” These
prison boys
ate it up.
So will
you. This is
honest music: big, gritty, tough, rough,
funny, and always, somehow,
gentle—just like the man singing
on the stage in Folsom Prison.
Cash deserves to be held in the
same category as Dylan, Presley,
Morrison, and the other American originals who left their mark
on the poetry of music in the
American Century.
Law School Decathlon
students who managed to make it
to class on time. A successful long
jumper must possess the following:
laptop cord avoidance techniques,
an apologetic tone of voice, and excellent dispute resolution skills.
Style points are awarded to any
student that tries to actually “leap”
over the desks, and does so without
serious groin injury.
The Change-athlon. In this
Dan Brozost, a
second-year event, the comsecond-year law
must change from street
student, is a Law
clothes into softball gear, play in
Weekly columnist.
three innings of a softball game,
clean the blood and dirt from his
Synchronized swimming? Men’s face, change into an expensive dress
field hockey? Speed walking? Are suit, successfully interview with a
you kidding me? And don’t forget top law firm, change back into softGreco-Roman wrestling. As any pro ball gear, and score the winning
run, all within a 50wrestling
minute time limit.
knows, The Macho
Extra points are
Man would open up
awarded to any para can of whoop-ass
ticipant drinks a
on any of those sobeer while on third
called Olympians.
base or during the
“Oooooh yeah!!!”
Since the OlymD-3 Parking
pics are obviously
Lot Steeplechase.
out of touch with
Competitors must
reality, I will come
scale the steep hill
to the rescue of you,
by the Park, avoid
my Law School colbeing hit by D-3 lateleagues, who are
comers (who think
begging for some
photo by Brian Gist
there might actually
events that accurately reflect what we all know are be spots left in the upper lot after
the true feats of human existence. 9:45 a.m.), and purchase a cup of
Thus, let me present you with The coffee at the trailer while still makLaw School Decathlon, designed ing it to class on time. Successful
with you, the U.Va. Law student, in competitors will be wary to avoid
JAG students zooming by with little
The Computer Lab Dash. This regard for their civilian friends. This
popular event normally takes place event can only be held on rainy
ten minutes before any morning days.
Synchronized Sneezing. In
hour when multiple classes are ending in Withers-Brown. As soon as this team competition, participants
the clock strikes 10 ’til, hordes of will be required to sneeze in rapid
competing students must race succession during a final exam such
through the hallways across the that every other test-taker loses
grounds to snag one of the coveted concentration. Since this is a style
empty chairs in the computer lab. competition, teams will be judged
Any competitor not finishing in the by: level of annoyance, quantity of
top three is punished by having to sneezes, artistic impression, rapidity of sneezes, and
stand by idly waitof course the
ing for a terminal
amount of salivary
to free up while
discharge that
the winners get to
lands on non-comcheck all 15 of
petitors’ computer
their e-mail acscreens.
counts, as well as
Text-Put. The
league baseball
cousin of the shotbox score on
put, this event ocSportszone. Every
curs twice per year
box score.
outside the bookOverstuffed
store when particiBackpack-Liftpants realize that
ing. This event is
photo by Brian Gist
their expensive
popular among
the Quasimoto-esque population of textbooks are worthless because the
students that insist on stuffing ev- publisher decided that right after
ery textbook they’ve ever owned into finals was a great time to issue a
their backpacks and lugging them new edition. Upon hearing that the
around school all day despite the book has no value, the competitor
fact that they have access to lock- will heave the heavy text down the
ers. In this competition, the student hallway where judges will decide
must be able to carry the pack with- the winner based on form and disout breaking the shoulder straps, tance.
Soda Can Javelin. Unlike its
and skillfully negotiate the crowded
hallways while not knocking over Olympic cousin, this event is destrategically placed professors, nor cided on accuracy rather than diskeeling over backwards so as to do tance. The competitor will attempt
further damage to his/her already to carefully loft a half-empty (or
half-full) soda can into an already
warped posture.
The Ivy Gardens Racewalk. overflowing recycle bin without spillIn this event, a competitor must ing either the contents of the can
walk (not run), from Ivy Gardens to itself or of the recycle bin. Points are
the Law School as quickly as pos- deducted for leaving sticky soda resisible, while avoiding carefully placed due on the bin or the wall; however,
obstacles that appear in the form of points are awarded if the sticky
“the weird guy” that he/she hap- residue is left upon a member of the
pened to talk to on the first day of champion synchronized sneezing
school and have ever since tried to team.
FreeCell Competition. An
avoid. It might sound easy, but as
first-years know, it can be very, event popular among the vast mavery difficult to maintain walking jority of the student body, competispeed while not walking too fast so tors must successfully complete as
as to catch up to the weirdo in front many games of FreeCell as they can
of you. Points are awarded for lack during a 50-minute class while still
of eye contact with fellow competi- taking at least one full page of notes.
Points are awarded for any win
The Middle-Seat-of-the- streak over ten, or if the class notes
Classroom Long Jump. In this even remotely relate to what the
event, competitors must find their professor was lecturing about.
So, in the spirit of the Olympics,
way from the back of the classroom
to the only remaining seat without let the games begin!
incurring the wrath of all the other
The Olympics are here once
again. All of those finely-tuned athletes, all of the anthems and national pride, and of course, all of the
exciting competition taking place in
events that are so weird that the
only people in the world who actually participate in them are at the
Law School Life
Virginia Law Weekly
Guestguard: It’s Jimmy “The Greek”
Snyder! And He’s Namin’ Names!
If there’s one tip Jimmy the
Greek has learned over the past
few years, it’s this: Never bet
against them transfers. You know
why? Because they’re mean.
They’re as ill-tempered as a mutt
with a shaved ass. They’re as nasty
as that Brian Rocca kid after he
boots one at second. Hell, they’re
even as mean as that Susan Leader
chick when she finds out some
classmate’s got on the same
sweater she’s wearing.
Hey. Want me to let youse in on
a little secret? They’re bred that
way. It’s true. Think about it. How
many kids you got attending them
low-rent schools out there, 20,000?
How many of them kids they take
as transfers here — ’bout 30? It’s
only the mean ones that claw their
way out of them holes and into this
here place. I’m talkin’ about Darwinism, pure and simple.
You see, the transfer mom finds
Friday, September 29, 2000
the biggest, meanest transfer dad
out there — you know, some guy
who went to LSU first year, then
clawed his way into Harvard Law
after three years in the Army,
something like that — and they
create this race of super-transfer
kids. You know what I’m talking
about. Their kids all play Division
I sports. They drink, smoke, and
bang their way through
undergrad, and end up with a 2.2
GPA. Then they go to Podunk Law,
and what happens? Badda-bing,
All of a sudden they’re like Tony
Freakin’ Scalia or something. They
come to class, and they know it all.
I’m talkin’ contributory negligence, dower, curtesy — even that
freakin’ dormant commerce clause.
They know all that s—t out the
All right, enough of my
blatherin’ on. You’d think I was
that Lauren Griswold after a
couple a’ mint juleps, for cryin’ out
loud. You’re here to get my picks
on all this week’s hot action, so
here goes. Brent, roll the games.
Eagles (-3.5) at Atlanta: No,
not those games, you sparrownecked geek. Who do I look like to
you, that Ben Block clown?
Jesse Pannoni (-4) at
Stephen Venable: That’s more
like it, you mutt. Former teammates face off in what promises to
be one of the year’s most brutal
grudge matches. Pannoni’s significant weight advantage will be no
match against Venable’s haughty
distaste of all things Beta. Venable
by a touchdown.
Lisa Martin (even) at Jamie
Leigh: Clearly the match-up of
the week. Can you imagine the
sweat, the combat, the grunts of
toil and tumult? I think I need to
go to the bathroom.
Nicholas Gebelt (+2) at Douglas Leslie: No one plays on the
wily professor’s home field and
comes out unaffected; just ask
Melissa Hutson. The King of All
Gunners has finally met his match.
Nicole Valentine (+2) at Nina
Allen: This is just far too sassy to
even think about.
Leslie Hermanson (-1) at
Andy Lippstone: The Sarcasm
Bowl. Look for Lippstone to strike
early with a barrage of stale Yo
Mama jokes, with Hermanson’s
withering look of bland disinterest ultimately carrying the day.
Hermanson by a field goal.
Anthony Greene (+5) at
Blake Andrews: Some brain cells
gonna die tonight, that’s fo’ sure.
Charles Pernicka (-8) at
Brady McShane: Ohh, Nellie.
Better call in the riot squad, but
tell them they don’t need to bring
any mace. I don’t want to go out on
photo by Brian Gist
photo by Brian Gist
“Darn you, chicken!”
independent column of the
North Grounds Softball League
and does not necessarily represent the views of the Editors of
the Virginia Law Weekly.
“Hmmm, odd aftertaste. . . . It looks like beer.”
THE Weekly Crossword
Edited by Wayne Robert Williams
Top Ten Law Weekly Headlines We’d
Like to See
by anonymous
By Josiah Breward, Scranton, Pennsylvania
111 Apron ele1
Blood-bank menu?
15 Richard of “Hot L Baltimore” 113 Asian car
20 Ornate wardrobe
21 Structure for climbing plants 115 Half: pref.
116 “The Age of
22 Dress shape
23 Index
25 Splits apart
117 Make
26 Butter’s brother?
powerful im27 Big __, CA
pression on
28 Guy’s sweetie
122 Find a new
29 Copse
tenant for a
31 Drug cops
33 Portuguese colony in India
123 Printed lies
35 Restraint in action
124 A l d i s s
38 Queen’s letters?
n o v e l ,
39 Higley/Kelly song of 1904
“Franken42 Andalucian gold
stein __”
43 Gangster’s gun
125 P e r f e c t
46 Demons
47 Rehan or Huxtable
126 Joy bringers
48 Oater actor Jack
127 Like a fam49 Aural buildup
ily of girls
51 Post fresh troops
54 Conceal
57 Opera songs
58 Charge
60 Precisely defined quantity
B r o w n
62 Presbyterian parsonages
63 Golf-ball holders
64 Alien craft
67 Commercial pieces
__ a la mode
68 Courtenay film, “Billy __”
69 Old Testament book: abbr. 6
Political exile
70 Tennessee Ernie Ford song,7
Arafat’s grp.
“Sixteen __”
Director Fritz
71 NYC arena
10 Affix
74 Traveler’s choice
11 Inscribed slabs
77 Track
12 Hr. fraction
78 Place side by side
13 Perform on stage
81 Continental currency
14 Provencal verses
82 Scrap of food
15 Leatherneck
83 Worsted cloth
16 Smart guy?
84 Whippers
17 Natural depressions
86 Active starter?
18 Fail to appreciate
88 Lengthy periods
19 Care facilities
89 Soaks up rays
24 Sing
90 Guys
30 Overeater
92 Break out
32 Seats for several
95 CIA forerunner
34 Gromyko or Sakharov
96 Fractional ending
36 Muse of astronomy
97 Cause of continental drift
37 Little bit
102 Actor Stephen
40 Shuffle
103 Fast month of Islam
41 Mao __-Tung
104 Red or White team
43 Ranch name in “Giant”
105 Scrawny person
44 Paddled
109 Southwestern saloon
a limb here, but let’s just say that
Mr. Pernicka won’t have that ridiculous smirk after this one.
Dan Royalty (+4) at Jesco,
the Dancing Outlaw: The mammoth Law Review managing board
member best not break out none of
that fancy book-learnin’, else
Jessie gonna shoot him dead. Jesco
by a touchdown.
Jordan Alpert (-14) at
McKenzie Webster: Alpert never
should have made the jump up
from Division I-AA; he’s out of his
league. Webster in a rout.
Mark Nicholson (-8.5) at His
Classes: Cancelled due to poor
Suzanne Bines (even) at
Margaret Mansouri: Wait, aren’t
they the same person?
Kevin Yopp (+9) at Snopp
Doggy Dogg: The two LBC cronies go head-to-head in one of the
more unusual matches of the week.
While Snoop has freestyle skillz
galore, he’s never seen Yopp Loc
perform his unique version of
G’N’R’s “Patience” at a redneck
bar with a .40 blood alcohol level.
Yopp in a stunning upset.
Editor’s Note: While Vanguard
makes every effort to protect the
identities of the individuals it
singles out for ridicule by using
only initials, Jimmy “The Greek”
Snyder could care less. Any questions and concerns should be directed to Jimmy at the Nevada
Arms Motel, P.O. Box 345, Las
Vegas, NV.
solution on p. 4
10. Faculty Survey Reveals That Four Out of Five Students in Classes
Meeting Before 10 a.m. Are “Kinda Nerdy.”
9. Admissions Office Insider Confirms, “This Year’s 1Ls Are Really Easy.”
8. Lagging Sales Force Café North to Close, to Be Replaced by “Johnny
Two Shoes’ Dance Emporium” (Half-price Drinks ’Til 10).
7. Career Services Office Disturbed by Alarming Number of 2Ls Showing up for On-Grounds Interviews “Clearly Hammered.”
6. In Surprise Move, Law School Announces Dean Scott to Be Replaced
by Dennis Miller.
5. FDA Study Reveals That Gilbert Series Study Guides, When Smoked,
Get You “Totally High as Sh*t, Man.”
4. First-year in Section D Reports That Section Mates Are “All Around,
Just a Super Group of People!”
3. Mötley Crüe, Looking for a Tommy Lee Replacement, Joins the OnGrounds Interview Roster.
2. No Faculty Member Has Responded to Ken Abraham’s “Teach-Off”
Challenge. Abraham Calls Faculty “a Bunch of Punk-Ass Bitches.”
1. Third-years Respond to This Year’s Course Offering Directory: “What
Are These Classes, and Who the F*ck Are These People?”
Submit your top ten list to Jackie Sadker, Features Editor, in SL
279 or via e-mail at [email protected] Please have entries in by 5 p.m. on Tuesday for the following publication.
Helps with the dishes
Sea eagles
Existed once
Perp’s pic
Handlelike parts
Train units
Antiaircraft fire
Eagle’s nest: var.
Pink-slip dispenser?
British saltpeter
Mr. Polo
Audible breaths
Actress Sharon
Hope movie, “The Seven
Little __”
Old Olds
Convalescent treatment
Leveled off
Feature of Florida or Oklahoma
Bifocals, casually
Susceptible to guilt
Proof of purchase: abbr.
Center leader?
Greek letter
TV host Alistair
Writes letter by letter
Computer hookup, briefly
Type of pill
Training center
Musical show
Prayer endings
Dons a belt
Young adult
Dutch South African
__ Domini
Ring grp.
ER workers
Naut. direction