here - Wicked Local
Transcription
here - Wicked Local
www.townonline.com ILLUSTRATION BY MARTY RISKIN Page 1 LUCKY ’07 Your annual guide to what’s in and what’s out as another year kicks off. By Peter Chianca [email protected] BOSTON HERALD PHOTO We can see where experience has gotten us so far, so … Obama is in! N o, it’s not that cold medicine you’re taking — you really are in a fog. It’s because you’ve lost track of what’s in and what’s out when it comes to society, politics, fashion, the arts and life in general. Don’t be embarrassed, it happens to the best of us. And the good news is, you have our annual roundup to fall back on as you enter 2007. But if any of the following falls flat at your next cocktail party, please don’t blame us. Blaming is out. Life in the USA COURTESY PHOTO They may be crazy, but Gnarls Barkley are (is?) in. COURTESY PHOTO Nicole Richie has the in mug shot. Of the week, anyway. What’s that smell? Is that patchouli? Good God, the nation’s gone liberal! Well, maybe not liberal, exactly. It’s just clawing its way gradually leftward, after a sojourn in They’re in! the land of conservatism. But you never This year’s “What’s In/What’s Out” features know when it may additional writing by Kris swing back again, so Olson, and research by: better get on welfare Gary Band, Josh Boyd, now while you have Elizabeth Christiansen, the chance. Jane Enos, Nicole GoodOf course, here in hue-Boyd, Lisa Guerriero, Massachusetts we’ve Chris Hurley, Jesse Kawa, Dan MacAlpine, remained decidedly Joe McConnell, Kathryn left of center throughO’Brien, Donna O’Neil, out, as evidenced by Jennifer Page, Charlene the fact that we can Peters, David Rogers, fit every statewide Renee Seymour, Kevin Republican officeSmith, Marlene Switzer, holder into a single Barbara Taormina and Wendall Waters. Chevy Suburban. (By the way, with gas prices down, Chevy Suburbans are back in. Global warming, global shwarming!) One reason for the shift is that for some reason, everyone seems fed up with that little skirmish in Iraq, which is turning into a huge monumental disaster and not the forgettable minor disaster everybody thought it would be. In a related story, predicting the end of the world as foretold in Revelations 18:21 is in. Elsewhere, big, scary border fences are in and illegal immigrants are out! Not that we can get them out, but we plan to be very chilly to them when we see them at the supermarket. Selling your home is in, but unfortunately buying a home is out. That means if you hold out just a little while longer you might be able to get that McMansion ➤ SEE IN-OUT , PAGE 2 BOSTON HERALD PHOT0 Daisuke Matzusaka is the in hundred-million-dollar man. And maybe he can even pitch! www.townonline.com Page 2 COURTESY PHOTO He looks good for a man in his 80s! Rocky is back in. LUCKY ’07 Your annual guide to what’s in and what’s out as another year kicks off. ➤ IN-OUT, FROM PAGE 1 COURTESY PHOTO Helen Mirren is the in portrayer of royalty. Quite, quite. you’ve always wanted for cheap money, like $750,000. By the way, calling large, ostentatious houses on small pieces of property “McMansions” is out — the preferred term is now “Triple Foreclosure with Cheese.” Hurricanes, thankfully, are out — they are so 2005. But floods are in, meaning you can plan to find yourself in your basement, with a sump pump that you really had meant to test before the water was up to your fine china. Crime is out for businessmen and politicos, now that people have actually started to go to jail for this stuff — who would have thought? Corporate fraud used to be one of those cute crimes, like marijuana possession. So if you’re keeping score at home, Jack Abramhoff is in jail and Martha Stewart is out of jail, while Ken Lay avoided jail by checking out of this world. Guess he got the last laugh. Being rich is still in, except among everybody we know. Politics COURTESY PHOTO What the hell is going on with these people? We don’t care — ‘Lost’ is in. On the national scene, Democrats are in and Republicans are out. We’re not sure if you noticed. The Democrats used the ingenious strategy of standing very, very still and waiting for the Republicans — particularly the president — to screw up so royally that people would have to get rid of them. And it worked! If you were ever photographed with the president, said something nice about the president or even once opened a can of Bush’s Baked Beans, you were swept out of office. Unfortunately, now the Democrats have to actually, you know, do something. We’re sure incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has a plan for Democrats, most likely involving being vague and yelling at each other. Howard Dean is loosening up his vocal chords as we speak. Looking toward 2008, Barack Obama is the in charismatic guy without any real experience. He has a slight edge over the other relatively inexperienced charismatic guy, Mitt Romney, mainly because Mitt’s charisma seems to stay behind whenever he leaves Iowa. (John Kerry, meanwhile, has dropped out of the presidential race and is going for a regular spot on the Def Comedy Jam.) And Mitt is of course out of the governor’s mansion here in Massachusetts, and taking his fellow Republicans with him. Kerry Healey had been looking like the in gubernatorial candidate, and then she opened her mouth. That makes the in governor Deval Patrick, who talked a lot about hope and energizing the grassroots, but as it turns out just wanted to have an excuse to throw a kick-butt inaugural party. We hear Christy Mihos is providing the Big Gulps. As for foreign affairs, taking a zero tolerance policy to countries that want to nuclear up seems to be out. But never fear: Giving them a stern talking-to is in. And Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is out, having chosen retirement over option No. 2, getting shot in the face by Dick Cheney. Celebrities COURTESY PHOTO Giddiyap! Kramer is out. We’ve added a “celebrities” category to this year’s list, now that it seems pretty much anybody can become one — all you need is some money and a penchant for forgetting your skivvies. With that in mind, the following celebrities are out: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Nicole Richie … Please, somebody make it stop! COURTESY PHOTO Borat make for wonderful cultural learnings in present timeframe. COURTESY PHOTO COURTESY PHOTO Old Bruce is in, thanks to three new books, and new Bruce is in, but playing old music. Like, really old. Of that bunch, Nicole may be the most out, at least of circulation if she gets sent to jail for drunken driving. The good news for her is that she could probably slip through the bars while nobody’s looking. The other ones haven’t broken the law yet, although we’re told the fashion police are on high alert. Meow! Celebrities having babies as accessories is out. Suri Cruise doesn’t count, because she’s not an accessory, she’s the prophesied heir to the jumped-upon throne of celebrity wackiness. But celebrities adopting babies (especially African ones) as accessories is in. Adopting babies that already have parents is especially in — it’s the new millennium equivalent of getting engaged to someone who already has a wife. Marriage was out among celebs like Reese and Ryan, Pam and Kid Rock (gasp!) and, of course, Britney and K-Fed (double gasp!). Meanwhile, that same-sex couple down the block is still going strong after 23 years. Go figure. Tu’x ka binex? That’s Mayan for, ‘Is Mel off his meds again?’ Making stupid, bigoted remarks — a la Mel Gibson and Michael Richards — is apparently in, and in Mel Gibson’s case it didn’t even seem to hurt the box office for “Apocalypto.” But that could just be due to the public’s insatiable thirst for ultra-violent subtitled Mayan epics. Did we mention that underwear was out? Somewhere, Inspector 12 is sighing. Movies Everybody say it with us: Yaaaargh! Pirates are in. It won’t be long before we’re all walking around with live parrots on our shoulders. But just because the “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel earned more than $400 million at the box office doesn’t mean the audience has lost interest in small, thoughtful, independent pictures. They never had an interest in those in the first place. What they do have interest in is comedy that makes fun of people who don’t know they’re in a movie, like in “Borat,” the best ➤ SEE IN-OUT, PAGE 3 Page 3 www.townonline.com BOSTON HERALD PHOTO Suri Cruise is the in celebrity descendant. What’s in, what’s out in 2007 ➤ IN-OUT, FROM PAGE 2 BOSTON HERALD PHOTO Britney and Paris are out, along with underwear. film featuring naked male wrestling you’ll see this year. And believe us, we’ve seen them all. Superhero movies are still in: “X3” was a huge hit despite (or maybe because of) having the most blue characters in a single work since “Smurfs” went off the air, and “Superman Returns” cracked the $200 million mark and is making a splash on DVD, even though Brandon Routh’s Superman always looked on the verge of breaking into a Daniel Powter song. And the comic book trend should continue in 2007 with “Ghost Rider,” “Iron Man,” “Spider-Man 3,” “Fantastic Four 2” and possible new vehicles for the Hulk, SubMariner, Wonder Woman and Wolverine. But still no “Little Lulu” movie. It’s sad. Snakes, planes: Both out. “Curious George” did his cute little darndest to save 2-D animation, but even Will Ferrell as the Man in the Yellow Hat couldn’t pull that off — CGI is king when it comes to cartoons. Oh, and dancing penguins are in. We’re not sure if you noticed. Aaaaaaaadriaaaaaaannnnnn! “Rocky” is back in. On the serious side, Helen Mirren is the in thespian, with her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II being arguably the best put on film since the one in “The Naked Gun.” And if Martin Scorsese doesn’t finally win his Oscar for “The Departed,” we’re going to beat someone in the head with a hat rack. Finally, among teenagers, movies in which people get their limbs sawed off continue to be the feel-good hits of the season. Teenagers need help. Television COURTESY PHOTO Mario Lopez was in the running, but fell to Emmit Smith in the ‘Dancing’ finale, much to the chagrin of surly partner Karina. She scares us. COURTESY PHOTO Yo ho ho! Depp and the rest of his piratical crew are in. The big news on TV this year is that, thanks to TiVo and DVR, nobody has any idea when shows are on anymore — cable boxes are just grabbing shows out of the ether for you to sit down and watch whenever you want. But when they find out a way to fast-forward to the end of a live football game, then we’ll be impressed. As for what’s on, the sitcom is now officially dead, after having been taken out back and beaten within an inch of its life by Matt LeBlanc. That said, “The Office” is in — but not so much on TV as on iTunes. Guess there’s something about that 2-inch iPod screen that makes for great comedy. Or you can watch shows like “Grey’s Anatomy” on the ABC Web site, although we hear a few people actually watch that one on TV too. Being a “Daily Show” alum like “Office”-mates Steve Carell and Ed Helms is in, but actually being on “The Daily Show” is out unless you’re Jon Stewart. (Quick, name one of the new correspondents! See?) Steven Colbert is the in fake Bill O’Reilly, but the real Bill O’Reilly is out, at least among liberal iTunes downloaders. Don’t worry, he’s still in among people who think Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi are planning to go door to door and make people of the same sex marry each other. Also “out,” and loving it: Doogie Howser. Serials are still in, particularly the Emmywinning “24,” and people are still watching “Lost” despite having no idea what’s happening — we’re just going with it. And “Desperate Housewives” is back, thanks to a very clever dramatic twist: having the entire female cast wear nothing but lingerie. Rosie O’Donnell is in and Star Jones Reynolds is out among the starting five of “The View.” And Barbara Walters wasted no time in welcoming Rosie to the table by being immediately condescending, in that cute Barbara way that she has. The cast of “Saved by the Bell” was out in 2006, what with Mario Lopez falling in the “Dancing with the Stars” finals to former Dallas Cowboys star Emmitt Smith. But BOSTON HERALD PHOTO Their basketball is mezza mez, but the Celtics do have some talented new dancers. For instance, their hair can defy gravity! Mario did handle the loss with dignity, unlike partner Karina, who we can only presume was waiting for Emmit in the parking lot that night with a shiv. Then there’s Mario’s former cast mate Dustin Diamond — “Screech,” to Bellheads — who really thought you would rather send him $15 for a T-shirt to help him save his house, rather than send it to, say, Oxfam. When that didn’t pan out, he sold the rights to distribute video of his sexual exploits. Congratulations, Screech: You’ve earned the right to join Danny Bonaduce, Todd Bridges and Dana Plato on our Mt. Rushmore of disgraced former child stars. Katie Couric is in place at CBS as the new, leggier Walter Cronkite. But network news in general is still out, given that no one’s home from work yet when it comes on. But don’t worry, we’re all home in time for “The Insider.” Pat O’Brien is in, baby! Not really. Reality TV still very much in, though “Survivor” was out for its misguided idea to divvy up the contestants according to race in what was billed as a “social experiment.” Memo to creator Mark Burnett: Fewer morally bankrupt concepts, more morally bankrupt contestants like Richard Hatch, the guy who thought he could hide from the IRS a million dollars that he won on national TV. Mostly, though, reality TV about celebrities (or celebrities in training) is in, particularly if those celebrities are dancing. And did we mention that underwear was out? Howie Mandel must go. There, we said it. Music As usual, music that can be carried in your iPod is in, and music that must be carried in your hands, like on those big, bulky CDs, is out. Those who can remember vinyl LPs now recall them as being grotesquely huge, like the Elephant Man’s head. As for the music itself, it’s all over the map. About the only thing you can count on is that if it came from an album featuring the words “High School” and “Musical,” it’s probably being played in the household of a 7- to 13-year-old as we speak. “American Idol” contestants are in record stores everywhere, raising the horrifying prospect that your well-intentioned grandmother will stuff some Taylor Hicks into your stocking, having followed the herd at the local HMV. And at last check it seemed that Carrie Underwood — Carrie Underwood! — might have the top-selling album of the year. So much for her becoming one of those obscure but influential acts, like the Velvet Underground. In the former Boy Band department, Justin Timberlake was in, in large part for bringing “sexy back.” We’re still waiting for someone to bring “portly and balding” back. (Jason Alexander, a nation of men turns its lonely eyes to you.) Meanwhile, Timberlake’s former ’N Sync band mate Lance Bass was out, in the Doogie way. Fergie is in everywhere, including the ➤ SEE IN-OUT, PAGE 4 www.townonline.com Page 4 What’s in, what’s out in 2007 ➤ IN-OUT, FROM PAGE 3 gym, where she’s “working on her fitness.” And even though she’s apt to rhyming “fitness” with “vicious,” at least she did not release a song this year that referred to her “lovely lady lumps,” as far as we can tell. A new genre of music including acts like The Killers, My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy is in. Is it rock? Is it pop? Or is it just bad? Our critics say: All three! Then there’s Nickelback, who we can’t help but feel is the band Soundgarden would have beaten up on the playground. But some rock old-timers continue to be in, even if they’re not doing rock, per se. Bruce Springsteen has taken a surprising detour into big-band folk, increasing the number of acts with 17-piece touring bands featuring horn sections to two (take that, Brian Setzer!). Bob Dylan is also in, marking his highest chart debut ever back in September with his “Modern Times” besting Danity Kane for the No. 1 spot. (In a related story, Danity Kane will soon be mud wrestling with the Pussycat Dolls for the title of most in group consisting of trampy-looking women shaking their lovely lady lumps. Meow!) Memo to Rod Stewart: The Ramada features Karaoke every Thursday night. Let’s stick to that from now on. Rap is in free fall, with a hit CD from Eminem being the genre’s only representative in the Top 10 of 2006. And rap’s big success story of the year, Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’,” had the disadvantage of being the subject of “Weird Al” Yankovic’s funniest parody since “Fat.” “Weird Al” Yankovic is in! In rap’s place is the likes of Gnarls Barkley and “Crazy,” which, like the aforementioned Fall Out Boy and company, defies classification — but in a good way. BOSTON HERALD PHOTO BOSTON HERALD PHOTO And thanks to the downward spiral of corporate Everett’s own Ellen Pompeo is among the attractive docs They seemed so happy … but Pam and Kid Rock are out of wedlock. radio, proven acts like John Mellencamp continue sleeping with each other on the very in ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’ to have to debut their new songs in car ads. Car ads are in. Country music continues to exist. Film at 11. youth on, Grand Theft Auto San Andreas is ing soon: a sneaker that will require quarterly Wiggle, who is retiring due to illness. We always thought it would be the narcoleptic one out, and Guitar Hero II is in. That’s good news oil changes. Sports For girls, status logo-laden handbags, like who would be the first to go. for parents who would rather see their kids All things Red Sox are still very much in in emulating rock stars than hooker-beating drug Coach, are out — even the fake ones. In their 2006. The signing of Japanese phenom Daisuke dealers. Hobson’s choices are in. place are quilted, brightly colored cotton Miscellaneous Matzusaka was a nice “in your face” to the rival Speaking of Disney Channel, the aforemen- handbags, like Vera Bradley. Put one with In the technology world, YouTube has New York Yankees, which has led to several relat- tioned “High School Musical” movie is way your jeans, Uggs and big sunglasses and allowed millions of would-be filmmakers to ed ins and outs: in — it’s like “Grease” was back in the ’70s, you’re looking cool. Er, sick. Whatever. unleash their inner Martin Scorseses, if Martin ∑ In is hand wringing over the $51.1 million the except without all the sexual innuendo and Sid “Whatever” is still in. Scorsese made movies of people hand-farting Sox had to pay just to talk to Daisuke (pronounced Caesar. Coming in on its heels are Disney’s Sorry, barbers: Long straight hair is in — “The Star Spangled Banner.” You can also use “Dice-K,” and spelled that way too if you ask the Cheetah Girls and Hannah Montana, which think Joan Baez circa 1965. For boys too. it to watch full-length Godzilla movies in Boston Herald’s headline writers). For the record, like HSM are multimedia powerhouses, with At the movies, Napoleon Dynamite, last seven-minute bits, which many believe is pretty we’d let the Sox talk to us just for picking up the tab TV, music, Internet and book offerings. (No year’s misfit hero for teens, is out — this much the end goal of technology. for a venti white-chocolate mocha at Starbucks “Suite Life of Zack & Cody” album yet, but year’s hero is Borat. Hopefully not just Even though grownups now have pages on (which, come to think of it, is only slightly less we’re sure one is coming. If they wait long because of the naked male wrestling. MySpace.com, it’s still a space for the young: expensive). The word on the new James Bond is too Word has it that kids in middle and high school enough those boys will look just like Nelson.) ∑ Out is hand wringing over not being able to Nickelodeon is out. You can only drop much romance and not enough gadgets. But right now are going to be referred to as the compete with the Yankees’ payroll. If George slime on people for so many years before it with the end of the “Star Wars” series and the “MySpace Generation.” Us oldsters will have Steinbrenner is Darth Vader, heading up the Evil gets old. “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, it’s one of the to be content to remain in the Pepsi Generation. Empire, Sox owner John Henry is Jabba the Hutt, For transportation, longboards are in. These only series left to follow. There’s always the In the world of literature, falsifying your albeit a skinny, much pastier version. are like skateboards except, well, longer. next “Pirates,” but Harry Potter films have book is out, thanks to James Frey and Kaavya Speaking of New York, A-Rod (Alex Unfortunately, it seems using helmets, knee become a non-event, possible because those Viswanathan (the Harvard undergrad who Rodriguez) is out as far as Yankee fans are con- guards and wrist guards is out. Apparently, kids are now 40. copied “‘How Opal Mehta Got Kissed …” cerned, and they mean way out, as in “get out of bruised elbows are in. But they’re not “cool” In fact, Pottermania in general has died from, well, everywhere). And yet thanks to here” — forgetting about his 40-plus homers, 100- — the current in term for what’s cool is “that’s down as we await the final literary installment Borat, falsifying your documentary is in. It plus RBIs and high batting average. Yankee fans sick.” Which, if you’re talking about long- of the boy wizard saga, although we’re sure seems unfair. want a championship; after all, it’s been a whole six boarding without a helmet, seems appropriate. once a release date is announced for that there The book “If I Did It” by O.J. Simpson was years since the last one. Meanwhile, Cubs fans Sitting in your room sending text mes- will be much wailing and rending of garments. out of circulation (except on eBay) after it continue to contemplate jumping into the Chica- sages to your friends on AIM is out. (And The jury’s still out on the “Eragon” film, but turned out that Americans do still have some go River en masse. just to show you how out we are, we still kids still love the books. For aging writers, being sense of moral outrage; it’s just increasingly Celtics and Bruins, both out. How bad has it thought AIM was a toothpaste.) Sitting in jealous of 23-year-old “Eragon” writer Christo- more difficult to trigger. Pat yourself on the gotten for Boston’s winter-sports teams? The class and sending text messages to your pher Paolini is in. back, Juice (and since-fired publisher Judith biggest ovation in the Garden recently was when friends on your cell phone is in. Pixar is still the toon champ, as evidenced by Regan): Somewhere in Darfur, members of Daisuke Matzusaka dropped a ceremonial “first The good news is, posting your deep, dark the stellar performance of the fun but not exact- the Janjaweed are marveling at your ability puck” before a B’s game. On the plus side, personal secrets on MySpace is out. The bad ly Nemo-riffic “Cars.” But did we mention the to get Americans’ attention. they’ve added the Celtics Dancers, who are sort news is, posting your parents’ deep, dark per- dancing penguins? And while literature remains out — its of like the Paul Taylor Dance Co., if the Paul sonal secrets on YouTube is in. For the young ’uns, any class or extracurricu- two remaining giants, John Updike and Taylor dancers wore sparkly green bikini tops In fashion circles, Nike Shox are the in- lar activity that was once done by their older Philip Roth, released underwhelming books and hot pants. shoe for tween hoopsters — this year’s ver- siblings now has a counterpart for 1-year-olds. this year about a terrorist and a dead guy, Tom O’Brien is out as head coach of the sion has four sets of shock absorbers in each Expect Mommy and Me lacrosse any day now. respectively — never fear: Books about Boston College football team, and if some had heel, rather than the three that were there last And a moment of silence, please, for Greg rock stars are in. Particularly the aforementheir wish, in O’Brien’s place would be none year. Comthe yellow-shirted tioned Bruce Springsteen, who was the other than Doug Flutie. Doug Flutie is in. Yes, subject of no fewer than three. (Our still. On the flip side, we see two words in the favorite is “Greetings From E Street,” future of our old friend Drew Bledsoe: Arena which not only traces the E Street Band Football. from its formation through its most Astroturf is in and grass is out at Gillette Starecent tour, it has little dium. And you know who’s responsible fake posters and for that, don’t you? The Jews! tickets from (Eight years later, quoting throughout that “Seinfeld” is still in.) era. Just don’t try Tom Brady will always to sell them on be in, but it’s been a rough eBay — boy, did we year for the star QB, what ever find that out the with Bridgette Moynihan hard way.) following David Givens In transportation, T and Deion Branch out of his fares are going up life. Given the way the Patriots again, but they’re makseason is going, it’s hard to say ing you buy little cards in which departure is making Tom the hopes that you won’t the most mopey. feel like you’re spending Tennis continues to exist. Film at actual money. They’re crafty, 11. those folks at the MBTA. On the road, as mentioned, Kids falling gas prices have people In case you were wondering, kids are feeling a little less guilty about now officially smarter than adults. Clueless their Hummers. But that doesn’t parents are in. mean people have lost interest in For any kid who’s old enough to have hybrid cars like the Prius — word has it graduated from PBS Kids to the Disney that Al Gore is in talks with Oprah to Channel, high-tech is where it’s at, be it video have her give them away on her show. games, portable music, computer games … Finally, in fashion: We’re told that flats basically anything their parents likely can’t and tapered pants are in, possibly owing to operate. that creepy Gap ad with Audrey Hepburn Of course they all want PlayStation3, but plugging khakis from beyond the grave. But the Wii will do — at least until they injure their iPods thongs, our spies say, are out. Are they talking little brothers by swinging around the motion- are so about the shoes or the underwear? We were sensor joysticks. Say what you want about our in, you too embarrassed to ask. can buy generation, we never got a black eye playing By the way, did we mention that underwear little “Yar’s Revenge” on the Atari 2600. was out? That would explain the breeze sweaters As for what games they’re wasting their we’re feeling right about now. for them. COURTESY PHOTO