kevincarter - Fiction Circus

Transcription

Your Most Personal Book.
kevincarter
2
Contents
1 2003
1.1
1.2
13
May . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
13
1.1.1
(2003-05-07 19:00) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
13
1.1.2
(2003-05-08 23:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
14
1.1.3
(2003-05-10 01:31) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
16
1.1.4
(2003-05-12 01:40) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
16
1.1.5
(2003-05-13 23:34) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
16
1.1.6
(2003-05-19 09:34) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
17
1.1.7
(2003-05-22 09:11) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
19
1.1.8
(2003-05-26 20:42) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
19
1.1.9
(2003-05-30 10:41) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
20
1.1.10
(2003-05-31 09:43) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
23
June . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
24
1.2.1
(2003-06-03 02:33) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
24
1.2.2
(2003-06-05 02:32) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
26
1.2.3
(2003-06-06 23:52) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
29
1.2.4
(2003-06-07 00:50) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
32
1.2.5
(2003-06-09 15:18) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
34
1.2.6
(2003-06-09 17:37) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
35
1.2.7
Hm. (2003-06-11 11:56) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
35
1.2.8
The actual post of the day. (2003-06-11 14:18) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
37
1.2.9
(2003-06-13 23:29) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
39
1.2.10
(2003-06-21 11:47) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
40
1.2.11
Atlanta Trip (2003-06-22 01:15) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
41
1.2.12
(2003-06-22 02:43) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
42
1.2.13
Life post first. (2003-06-23 01:33) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
42
1.2.14
(2003-06-25 12:39) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
43
3
1.2.15
1.3
1.4
4
(2003-06-27 21:28) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
44
July . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
46
1.3.1
’lo (2003-07-03 22:19) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
46
1.3.2
A Promised Love Life Analysis (2003-07-04 03:28) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
47
1.3.3
(2003-07-04 03:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
49
1.3.4
A revelation. (2003-07-05 02:40) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
51
1.3.5
A Meditation on Keats’ ”Ode On Melancholy.” (2003-07-05 03:53) . . . . . . . . .
52
1.3.6
A continuation... (2003-07-07 04:23) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
53
1.3.7
CU Orientation (2003-07-10 19:56) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
59
1.3.8
Embracing the molehill... (2003-07-12 03:19) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
59
1.3.9
(2003-07-12 12:00) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
61
1.3.10
A somewhat literary post, but not a list of books. (2003-07-13 02:28) . . . . . . .
62
1.3.11
(2003-07-13 03:24) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
63
1.3.12
(2003-07-17 11:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
64
1.3.13
(2003-07-18 03:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
65
1.3.14
(2003-07-20 03:52) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
66
1.3.15
(2003-07-20 18:34) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
66
1.3.16
A completely unnecessary post later to be featured in ”The Complete Correspondence
of Kevin Carter” (2003-07-22 01:28) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
69
1.3.17
Social Blogging Post (2003-07-22 02:23) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
70
1.3.18
The Promised Hilary Post (2003-07-22 04:12) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
71
1.3.19
(2003-07-23 01:30) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
76
1.3.20
Good god. (2003-07-24 15:56) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
78
1.3.21
(2003-07-26 19:15) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
79
1.3.22
Events have warranted another post. (2003-07-29 04:23) . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
79
1.3.23
”Unless I Change My Mind” - WriteFight (2003-07-29 16:49) . . . . . . . . . . . .
81
August . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
83
1.4.1
(2003-08-01 00:54) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
83
1.4.2
Relatively
Microscopic
Literary
Rant
That
You
Should
Actually
Read
(2003-08-01 03:51) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
83
1.4.3
”Bad Attraction” – WriteFight (2003-08-03 05:55) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
85
1.4.4
(2003-08-05 03:36) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
87
1.4.5
(2003-08-06 00:18) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
88
1.4.6
(2003-08-08 04:25) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
91
1.4.7
”Need Stilts – WriteFight” (2003-08-10 23:29)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
92
1.4.8
(2003-08-16 13:06) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
93
1.5
1.6
1.4.9
Negligence in the Workplace (2003-08-20 14:56) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
94
1.4.10
The first college entry. (2003-08-23 12:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
97
1.4.11
Second College Entry (2003-08-25 20:05) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
99
1.4.12
Last post continued. (2003-08-26 12:12) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
99
1.4.13
When in Rome... (2003-08-26 20:38) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
101
1.4.14
Sometimes, the Romans don’t know what’s going on. (2003-08-31 01:31) . . . . .
107
1.4.15
”After the party, you took me back to your parlour.” (2003-08-31 20:36) . . . . . .
109
September . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
110
1.5.1
Slightly more in depth college post. (2003-09-02 22:55) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
110
1.5.2
(2003-09-04 13:37) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
113
1.5.3
Transcription of something I wrote last night. (2003-09-05 20:19) . . . . . . . . .
114
1.5.4
An all-purpose post. (2003-09-06 18:03) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
116
1.5.5
(2003-09-08 11:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
118
1.5.6
(2003-09-10 11:45) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
118
1.5.7
Real update later; story for now. (2003-09-15 00:17) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
121
1.5.8
The real post. (2003-09-17 00:40) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
123
1.5.9
No, I’m not stoned. (2003-09-22 03:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
126
1.5.10
Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin. (2003-09-24 19:43) . . . . . . . . . . .
128
1.5.11
Another day, another dollar. (2003-09-25 13:08) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
131
1.5.12
(2003-09-29 01:22) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
133
1.5.13
Goddammit. (2003-09-30 02:04) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
134
October . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
136
1.6.1
Off. (2003-10-02 19:40) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
136
1.6.2
Trial. (2003-10-04 17:02) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
136
1.6.3
(2003-10-09 13:00) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
138
1.6.4
A post. (2003-10-10 11:46) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
138
1.6.5
(2003-10-11 12:03) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
141
1.6.6
(2003-10-12 16:05) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
149
1.6.7
Friends-only. (2003-10-22 11:54) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
154
1.6.8
Back. (2003-10-22 11:57) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
158
1.6.9
Catching up. (2003-10-22 22:09) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
160
1.6.10
Jesus Christ. (2003-10-26 11:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
167
1.6.11
More fucking drama. (2003-10-27 01:31) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
168
1.6.12
Uh, that was fun. (2003-10-27 01:55) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
168
1.6.13
Everything. (2003-10-30 11:42) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
171
5
1.6.14
1.7
1.8
6
(2003-10-30 19:46) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
174
November . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
175
1.7.1
A stupid survey post. (2003-11-04 20:07) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
175
1.7.2
This isn’t the real entry. This is an artsy entry, when I’m stoned, when you are
seeing my mind. (2003-11-04 21:22) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
177
1.7.3
(2003-11-05 11:36) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
181
1.7.4
(2003-11-06 11:48) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
182
1.7.5
(2003-11-06 15:31) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
184
1.7.6
(2003-11-07 00:30) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
190
1.7.7
(2003-11-09 13:28) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
192
1.7.8
(2003-11-11 21:30) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
197
1.7.9
A road trip. (2003-11-16 20:00) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
203
1.7.10
(2003-11-16 20:19) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
206
1.7.11
”A Whirlwind Romance” (2003-11-18 14:40) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
208
1.7.12
(2003-11-18 14:59) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
209
1.7.13
(2003-11-19 02:04) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
212
1.7.14
(2003-11-19 11:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
212
1.7.15
Just writing away. (2003-11-19 12:24) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
213
1.7.16
”I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.” (2003-11-23 16:47) . . . . . . . . .
215
1.7.17
(2003-11-25 22:38) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
216
1.7.18
(2003-11-28 18:59) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
217
December . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
218
1.8.1
(2003-12-03 12:40) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
218
1.8.2
When Romantics get cynical. (2003-12-03 14:00) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
218
1.8.3
(2003-12-04 01:53) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
222
1.8.4
(2003-12-06 12:41) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
223
1.8.5
(2003-12-12 16:51) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
224
1.8.6
(2003-12-17 20:59) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
225
1.8.7
(2003-12-21 15:59) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
225
1.8.8
(2003-12-22 20:19) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
226
1.8.9
(2003-12-24 01:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
227
1.8.10
(2003-12-25 04:12) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
229
1.8.11
A Christmas Mixtape (2003-12-25 14:35) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
230
1.8.12
(2003-12-29 15:04) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
232
1.8.13
(2003-12-29 18:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
233
1.8.14
(2003-12-30 04:46) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
236
2 2004
2.1
237
January . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
2.1.1
”Get it down. Take chances. It may be bad, but it’s the only way you can do
anything really good.” (2004-01-23 03:39) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
237
”The Broken Piano” (2004-01-26 14:09) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
238
February . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
240
2.2.1
(2004-02-17 03:13) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
240
April . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
244
2.3.1
(2004-04-25 08:30) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
244
July . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
251
2.4.1
(2004-07-02 05:24) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
251
August . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
254
2.5.1
Phone Post (2004-08-07 13:41) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
254
September . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
255
2.6.1
(2004-09-11 15:15) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
255
2.6.2
(2004-09-11 15:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
257
2.6.3
(2004-09-14 10:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
261
2.6.4
(2004-09-14 13:55) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
261
2.6.5
(2004-09-15 14:44) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
264
2.6.6
(2004-09-18 21:07) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
266
2.6.7
(2004-09-19 15:47) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
266
2.6.8
(2004-09-21 15:50) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
267
2.6.9
(2004-09-23 15:50) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
267
2.6.10
(2004-09-26 03:42) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
269
2.6.11
(2004-09-26 04:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
269
2.6.12
(2004-09-27 04:05) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
269
2.6.13
”The Flush” (2004-09-29 06:10) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
269
October . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
271
2.7.1
(2004-10-03 04:51) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
271
2.7.2
(2004-10-03 23:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
274
2.7.3
(2004-10-05 14:00) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
275
2.7.4
(2004-10-05 17:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
275
2.7.5
(2004-10-05 18:36) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
283
2.7.6
(2004-10-05 18:39) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
287
2.7.7
(2004-10-05 19:06) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
287
2.7.8
(2004-10-06 08:15) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
287
2.1.2
2.2
2.3
2.4
2.5
2.6
2.7
237
7
2.8
2.9
2.7.9
(2004-10-15 14:48) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
293
2.7.10
(2004-10-15 15:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
293
2.7.11
(2004-10-18 18:01) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
293
2.7.12
(2004-10-19 13:32) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
294
2.7.13
(2004-10-19 15:43) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
294
2.7.14
(2004-10-25 01:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
295
2.7.15
(2004-10-29 05:27) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
295
November . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
295
2.8.1
”Election” Day (2004-11-03 09:58) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
295
2.8.2
(2004-11-03 13:43) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
302
2.8.3
(2004-11-04 00:42) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
311
2.8.4
(2004-11-29 10:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
311
December . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
311
2.9.1
311
(2004-12-14 23:19) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
3 2005
3.1
3.2
3.3
8
315
January . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
315
3.1.1
(2005-01-06 11:29) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
315
3.1.2
(2005-01-18 15:56) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
320
3.1.3
(2005-01-18 16:11) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
321
3.1.4
(2005-01-18 16:19) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
322
3.1.5
(2005-01-24 05:08) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
323
3.1.6
(2005-01-24 05:10) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
323
3.1.7
(2005-01-24 05:18) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
323
3.1.8
(2005-01-24 05:48) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
323
3.1.9
(2005-01-25 07:53) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
324
3.1.10
(2005-01-26 06:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
327
February . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
328
3.2.1
(2005-02-07 17:12) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
328
3.2.2
(2005-02-19 03:13) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
330
3.2.3
(2005-02-22 15:36) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
332
April . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
341
3.3.1
(2005-04-01 02:37) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
341
3.3.2
(2005-04-01 02:45) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
345
3.3.3
(2005-04-09 16:56) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
346
3.3.4
(2005-04-28 02:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
353
3.3.5
(2005-04-29 03:10) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
355
May . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
357
3.4.1
(2005-05-16 00:48) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
357
3.4.2
Welcome to the atrocity exhibition. (2005-05-16 04:20) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
357
3.4.3
Dream: 05/19/05 (2005-05-19 13:04) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
358
3.4.4
(2005-05-29 20:48) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
359
June . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
361
3.5.1
Book quiz. (2005-06-05 05:27) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
361
3.5.2
For those burning. (2005-06-19 18:30) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
365
3.5.3
”Of A Ritualistic Bud Inhibition” (2005-06-24 04:29) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
367
3.5.4
(2005-06-25 15:09) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
373
July . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
373
3.6.1
(2005-07-11 05:25) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
373
3.6.2
(2005-07-13 07:36) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
376
3.6.3
New York. (2005-07-23 19:12) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
377
3.6.4
A public love letter. (2005-07-28 19:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
379
August . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
379
3.7.1
(2005-08-02 00:21) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
379
3.7.2
(2005-08-04 16:48) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
380
3.7.3
(2005-08-10 00:51) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
383
3.7.4
(2005-08-19 18:21) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
388
3.7.5
(2005-08-21 05:14) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
390
3.7.6
(2005-08-21 15:47) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
393
3.7.7
(2005-08-21 15:52) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
394
3.7.8
(2005-08-24 06:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
395
3.7.9
(2005-08-30 19:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
397
September . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
399
3.8.1
My Life, My Work, My Caffeinated LJ Posts. (2005-09-07 00:04) . . . . . . . . . .
399
3.8.2
(2005-09-28 06:52) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
407
October . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
413
3.9.1
(2005-10-01 22:07) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
413
3.9.2
(2005-10-05 04:39) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
414
3.9.3
Weary Memory (2005-10-20 03:55) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
420
3.9.4
Story Dump. (2005-10-31 00:06) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
428
3.10 November . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
432
3.4
3.5
3.6
3.7
3.8
3.9
3.10.1
(2005-11-14 07:12) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
432
3.10.2
(2005-11-27 16:35) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
433
9
4 2006
4.1
4.2
4.3
4.4
4.5
4.6
4.7
4.8
437
January . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
437
4.1.1
(2006-01-10 21:35) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
437
March . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
439
4.2.1
(2006-03-07 14:17) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
439
April . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
439
4.3.1
(2006-04-27 14:56) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
439
4.3.2
(2006-04-30 22:55) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
445
May . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
449
4.4.1
(2006-05-31 07:49) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
449
June . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
453
4.5.1
(2006-06-24 18:16) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
453
August . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
457
4.6.1
(2006-08-23 22:35) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
457
September . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
461
4.7.1
(2006-09-14 17:23) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
461
December . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
468
4.8.1
(2006-12-05 01:20) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
468
4.8.2
(2006-12-19 14:53) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
471
5 2007
5.1
5.2
5.3
5.4
5.5
5.6
10
477
January . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
477
5.1.1
(2007-01-23 06:17) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
477
February . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
481
5.2.1
Short list (2007-02-09 14:37) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
481
5.2.2
(2007-02-16 00:12) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
483
5.2.3
Another Arcade Fire post (2007-02-25 17:02) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
485
5.2.4
Letter home. (2007-02-26 03:08) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
485
March . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
488
5.3.1
List-ful Miss-ive (2007-03-17 02:21) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
488
April . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
490
5.4.1
(2007-04-10 00:44) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
490
5.4.2
(2007-04-23 06:57) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
493
May . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
494
5.5.1
(2007-05-21 02:53) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
494
June . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
497
5.7
5.8
5.9
5.6.1
(2007-06-02 18:32) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
497
5.6.2
(2007-06-19 22:54) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
498
August . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
501
5.7.1
(2007-08-15 01:26) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
501
5.7.2
(2007-08-23 01:40) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
502
October . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
507
5.8.1
(2007-10-22 21:51) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
507
November . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
507
5.9.1
507
Show on Friday in NYC (2007-11-14 15:18) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
6 2008
6.1
6.2
6.3
6.4
509
January . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
509
6.1.1
The only time I post now is when I’m playing a show. (2008-01-16 15:04) . . . . .
509
6.1.2
(2008-01-22 08:58) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
510
February . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
512
6.2.1
(2008-02-10 04:21) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
512
March . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
512
6.3.1
(2008-03-04 20:40) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
512
6.3.2
Fiction Circus Videos (2008-03-20 09:38) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
514
May . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
515
6.4.1
6.5
6.6
6.7
6.8
It’s Friday.
You’re getting drunk anyway.
Why not get drunk with us?
(2008-05-16 17:42) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
515
June . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
516
6.5.1
(2008-06-15 21:23) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
516
September . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
517
6.6.1
Tonight, musical laser beams! (2008-09-05 10:47)
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
517
6.6.2
Karaoke list now, content later (2008-09-08 17:38) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
518
6.6.3
Content dump (2008-09-24 17:58) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
518
October . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
519
6.7.1
(2008-10-09 09:19) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
519
6.7.2
The Be Advised EP (2008-10-18 22:11) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
520
6.7.3
Challenge Chips EP (2008-10-28 22:32) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
521
November . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
522
6.8.1
Radio show (2008-11-08 21:19) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
522
6.8.2
(2008-11-21 06:46) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
522
7 2010
7.1
525
May . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
525
7.1.1
525
10 years later (2010-05-15 20:56) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
11
12
Chapter 1
2003
1.1
1.1.1
May
(2003-05-07 19:00)
Let’s see... I’m fairly sure this is about the fourth incarnation of my blog, but it’s actually going to happen.
No deterioriation into book lists. No mindless quizzes. No surveys. Just anaphora, apparently.
Anyway, hi!
I’m Kevin. 17, suffering from extreme [1]senioritis, and almost ready to graduate from high school. I
fall in love with people too easily. I long to write but am just getting started. I read to get away from life,
and it’s dangerous, but it’s a passion. Music is another. I don’t know what this authorial style’s about, so
I’m just typing.
Kate Klock, a girl from another local high school that I thought I was in love with and she with me,
has informed me that she [2]just wants to be my friend. We met through [3]forensics and debate, which has,
until now, been one of my major passions in life.
Friends are becoming an integral part of my life. I’m starting to exercise my body and my mind. I’ll
be attending the [4]University of Colorado at Boulder in the fall, and I am eagerly, eagerly, eagerly awaiting
the move into my dorm room. I currently have a crush on Hilary Davis, a girl at my high school who loves
reading [albeit the occasional trashy romance novel], writing, and other beautiful things, and somehow manages to stand hanging around me. We even swing danced. [Swung dance? Swang danced?] Which reminds
me of the great [5]Magnetic Fields song called ”Nothing Matters When We’re Dancing.” Because nothing
does.
Today, I finished ”Fever Pitch,” by Nick Hornby. Brilliant book and very highly recommended. He’s even
gotten me, the famed sports despiser, interested in the ”real football”: soccer. I slept through both choir
classes and AP English, because they don’t matter. Neither do the rest of my classes, but I was obligated to
go to those today for some reason.
End marathon post. Begin marathon posting summer.
1. http://jeffcoweb.jeffco.k12.co.us/high/pomona/
2. http://www.intellectualwhores.com/
3. http://www.lddebate.org/
13
4. http://www.cu.edu/
5. http://www.houseoftomorrow.com/
dive (2003-05-07 20:32:25) w00t kevsan!
just thought i¼d say howdy, man. added you (of course) to keep up with you. hope you remember me. funny thing
is i was cleaning my room the other day and found that letter you wrote. did i ever write you back? -dive
kevincarter (2003-05-13 22:37:21) Re: w00t kevsan!
Dive, how could I possibly forget you? Didn¼t I travel all the way to Atlanta a while ago to meet ya? :) Good to
hear from you again. I¼ve added you to my friends list as well, to check up on how things are going. Amazing that
people from the commune still keep in touch with each other, ne? Anyway, good hearing from you, and I hope you
enjoy my ramblings about my sordid, incredibly interesting *cough* life. -K
kevincarter (2003-05-13 22:38:17) Re: w00t kevsan!
Oh yeah! And I¼m actually going to be in Atlanta from June 14-21 for a National Debate Tournament. Maybe we
could grab lunch or dinner sometime. A Dragon*CON reunion! *grins* Talk to ya later. -K
1.1.2
(2003-05-08 23:26)
Definitely a good day so far. Now that Kristina has a blog, I know things are getting so fashionable that I
couldn’t possibly have avoided this little phenomenon very much longer. I think my problem with the last
few blogs is a lack of audience, which I seemingly don’t have this time.
Things are looking up. Thankfully, I don’t have to write the ”Good Man Is Hard To Find” paper on
Flannery O’Connor’s short story, because I talked to my English teacher Mrs. Whaley, and she’s going to
excuse me from the assignment with an anti-tardy pass I happened to have lying about. My essay on ”A
Rose For Emily” has not yet received a grade, since we’re allowed to revise it as many times as we want
[although it has to be nearly perfect], but I’m confident in my ability to write a satisfactory essay now that
I talked to her about it.
This song rocks, by the way. I’m a diehard Tenacious D fan and still violently cling to the hope that
they will eventually release a second album. Good AP History study session with Erik and Brandon tonight.
We didn’t actually learn much of anything, but we played DDR and IMed people, which sounds awful, but
was surprisingly a lot of fun.
Really a breeze of a day. Didn’t go to many classes, and I’m just cramming for the AP U.S. History
test tomorrow, which should not be a breeze. In fact, I should take a bath, so I don’t have to shower until
tomorrow night. Which means extra sleep. Which means, idealistically, a high grade on the test. I’m shooting for a 5 on Lit and a 4 on US. We’ll see if I can swing it, yeah swiiiiiiing it. Mr. Paganini, please play my
rhapsody! ...lame choir jokes. Ugh.
Ate lots of airheads today. Too many. Not enough exercise. I’ve lost, like, 20 pounds in the last month, and
I need to continue this process. Radically changing everything has felt really good. I feel like a real person.
Enough blogging for now.
14
sirlance (2003-05-08 22:38:59)
When I was in Highschool, My AP US History teacher was the greatest. I don¼t know how your teacher works, but
his main angle was to just underly the main historical themes that occurred by decade, and the details kind of fell
into place from that. Also, what is your secret to losing 20 pounds in the last month?
kevincarter (2003-05-09 15:09:08) AP History/Weight
I absolutely adore my AP US teacher, particularly after [hopefully] getting a really good score on the test today and
not having it be that hard. That¼s basically what she did, particularly over the last few days. And not only have
we been able to succeed on the test, but we¼ve actually *learned something* about history too. Fantastic course.
RE: weight loss. Here¼s all it¼s been. I play Dance Dance Revolution on a reasonably hard setting for roughly
45 minutes every other night. I¼ve largely stopped eating crap like pizza and hamburgers, although I certainly still
do on occasion. Every so often, I do some pushups or sit-ups. [Still looking for a chinups bar around my house.
I might actually have to go to the gym for that. Ugh.] I eat sub sandwiches a lot, from Quizno¼s, Subway, and
Mr. Goodcents [a local place around here], which are pretty healthy, cheap, convenient, and good, because I usually
don¼t like deli-style lunch meat from the store. Losing weight is a lot harder if you¼re a picky eater, I¼ve found.
Here¼s my equation. Eat better. Exercise more. Watch the pounds drop. -K
corvidae (2003-05-09 22:34:51) audiences...
Hm. I wouldn¼t think they¼re always helpful. But then that¼s me. And... these things have been fashionable for
at least two years. Well, not livejournals, but starting on the oldies like scribble and diaryland... moving to blogger...
pitas... then all the server-crazes and now to livejournal and lj-based scripts. Mwe. It almost makes me feel old to
have gone through all that, except that I¼m still new in the webmaster hierarchy. Right. ¼s enough ramble for now.
Not like you needed to know that anyway.
kevincarter (2003-05-10 10:30:45) Re: audiences...
They¼re certainly not always helpful, as you can see from my old livejournal which I stopped updating for the
very reason that I knew I was becoming too worried about who was reading it. In fact, at times, I would change
the ”current music” setting from what it actually was to something cooler, just to impress my ”journal fans.” It¼s
really amazing that anyone ever read <a href=”http://kevsan.livejournal.com”>the rambling mumbles of a angstfilled, confused, weird 15 year old</a>. I too have been around for the last three years or so on these little blog
things, and I still think they¼re pretty cool. I remember reading <a href=”http://czircon.livejournal.com”>Scott
Hammack</a>¼s old Squinonablaga journals and being absolutely obsessed with the idea of keeping such a thing
without it being difficult to update. After that, I started writing stuff on livejournal. -K
corvidae (2003-05-10 13:02:11) Re: audiences...
And that was the reason I moved my blog/journal at least seven times... Eheh. I worry too much about
who reads what I say... although I don¼t think I¼ve really paid that much attention to the music I was listening to. On the other hand, I¼ve never really had fans, just friends (and at one point family) that read
what I said. I was on the ”anime community” end of the blogging craze, so I only know some the famous
anime ”idols”... <a href=”http://log.impolite.org/”>Diana</a>, <a href=”http://livejournal.com/users/cocoatigermilk/”>Alexa</a>, and <a href=”http://petshopofhorrors.com/chinatown/”>Val</a> probably being some
of the influences to my taking up blogging–although I can¼t really remember why, now. I just remember being
surprised later when I realized the non-anime community also had bloggers. Probably a little sheltered... And I
think the other main reason I started blogging was because I had quite a few friends that had blogs. Moved to
livejournal because they had the amazing ability of having friends only and private entries. Me likes secrecy.
15
1.1.3
(2003-05-10 01:31)
Today was a good day... I didn’t even have to use my AK.
Started off really well with an AP US test that I’m hoping I aced, ideally with a 4 or a 5. Then, I didn’t
really do anything for the next two classes and suffered through a viewing of both Hackers and Pee Wee’s
Big Adventure while still managing to have a lot of fun over at Brandon’s house.
A little intro to my situation if you don’t know: I very informally asked Hilary to Prom a while back,
and then, a tuba player [yes, a tuba player] named Mike asked her after that. In a crowded room, and
because of Mike’s flowers and semi-elegant approach – which she ironically said she didn’t want me to do –
she said yes to him. Thus, we came to an arrangement that Jessica and Brandon [who my friend Becky and
I tried to get together as a Prom couple] and Hialry and I would go to the Cheesecake Factory to make up
for the Prom fiasco. Hopefully, we’ll be able to do that tomorrow night, but I’m doubting it. More like next
weekend, probably.
Talking to this cute, smart girl who’s going to Congress today. She [Rachael] seems reasonably interested
in me, which is weird, so further news and updates warrant. That doesn’t make any sense, but I’ll tell you
about it later. I’m trying to force myself to update once a day somehow.
1.1.4
(2003-05-12 01:40)
Working on my English portfolio right now, which is an entirely pointless and worthless assignment. It’s
ridiculous, and it has no point. [Maybe that’s the headache talking. Or the booze. One of the two.] I kinda
wish I actually was drunk and writing this paper now. It’d be pretty funny.
Plus, I’m kind of in a wistful drunk mood anyway. I just constructed a whole little post over at [1]lddebate.org about what being well-read meant, and I know it’s hopeless to ever live up to it. I hate writing
this portfolio. My god.
I’m just staring at the cover of the [2]Kate Bush album, ”The Sensual World.” I could look at that woman,
and listen to her, all night long. Utter beauty.
Okay. I have to get back to this. I had fun at Denny’s last night with the gang. Good stuff. Also,
I’m tired. And I need sleep. Maybe lunch with Hils tomorrow. Hopefully? Enh. G’night!
Update: Finished the portfolio, sorta. And I’m not even tired. But it’s 2:33 now. Ugh.
1. http://www.lddebate.org/
2. http://www.gaffa.org/
1.1.5
(2003-05-13 23:34)
This is the second catharsis I’ve ever had in listening to a song. The first was a gut-wrenching ”By Way
of Sorrow” by the group incidentally named Cry Cry Cry after the Kate blowup in January. Tonight, it
was hearing ”Someone to Watch Over Me” by Ella Fitzgerald for the first time ever. Of course I’ve heard it
before, but Ella’s grace... her love... was so eloquently portrayed in the precise way that she sang that song.
Music has never touched me as much as it has touched me lately. In every song I hear, I hear something
new. Is it having a crush again? Is it maturing and growing as a person? Is it listening to incredible music?
16
I don’t know, but I’m enjoying it completely.
Speaking of music that doesn’t cause these soul-saving moments, we had a choir concert tonight. It was
fun, and believe it or not, I actually didn’t mess up playing ”Bridge Over Troubled Water” on the piano.
Fun, but not too fun. Before that, we played ultimate frisbee and Taboo back at my house. I had a much
better time doing that than at my choir concert.
”Nothing matters when we’re dancing / in tattered tatters, you’re entrancing.” I love this song. I first
heard it the night Hilary and I went to the Mercury Cafe for swing dancing. It struck me then, and it strikes
me now. Of course, this is another angst-filled, romance-based Livejournal entry, but I honestly want to
spend so much time with Hilary. Just listening to her talk... the lilt in her voice, even... makes me just
about lose it. Please don’t get me started on hearing her sing. The cliche rings true, though: it’s like the
voice of an angel.
Another Magnetic Fields song comes to mind. ”The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side.” Check out
the lyrics if you’re interested. I desperately need to purchase 69 Love Songs. By the bye, I’m thinking about
making a mix tape for Hilary, although I’m not sure I could work up the courage to give it to her. What
should I put on it? Any suggestions? I’m thinking, actually, stuff that I’ve been reacting to very strongly
recently. Current list, probably: ”Asleep” by The Smiths as the first and last song, for pure Perks of Being a
Wallflower value, ”Luckiest Guy” and ”Nothing Matters” by the Magnetic Fields, ”By Way of Sorrow,” probably an Ella song or two, a little Miles Davis, Charlie Parker, or Dave Brubeck [she likes jazz], ”California
Stars” by Wilco and Billy Bragg, ”Comfortable” by John Mayer, and some other stuff. Not necessarily just
love songs. I’m interested in your suggestions, though. Thanks!
sirlance (2003-05-13 22:52:21)
Is that the Dar Williams, Robert Shindell, Lucy Kaplansky group? Incidentally, I wanted to buy their album today,
but had forgotten about them by the time I was on the train. I walked away with Buffalo Springfield and John Denver
hits compilations.
kevincarter (2003-05-14 12:53:11) Yep!
The one and the same. It¼s one of the most brilliant albums I¼ve ever heard, and I¼m heartbroken that they
haven¼t worked together since then. -K
1.1.6
(2003-05-19 09:34)
So, the past few days have been really great. I’ve been DDRing, playing boardgames, reading books, and
generally having a fantastic time. If you would have told me... oh... six months ago that I would actually
have some semblance of a life, I would have told you that you were crazy, but I feel like I do. Although
right now, I’m kind of in the mood for some seclusion. I actually wanna head up to my grandma’s house in
Leadville for a while to relax in her house, do some writing, and a lot of other stuff.
Speaking of writing, I’m thinking of changing my major at CU from Undeclared to English. I can’t think
of anything else I’d like to do as of yet, and majoring in Literature is something I’m craving. I wish the
”reading list” for CU was more specific than ”just read a lot of good stuff well,” which is basically what the
directions say.
Make-up Prom with Hilary will hopefully be tonight. I don’t really understand, sometimes, why I like
her so much. But then, I think about her sense of humor, or her taste in books and music. ”Something,” for
17
me, has always been George Harrison’s most overrated song, but I really love it now, and it’s probably for
precisely that reason. Anyway, the ball’s in [1]Brandon’s court to call Jessica. Actually, I really like leaving
the ball in other people’s court. Well, kinda.
Okay. I know you’re excited, but the analysis of Kate’s super mean e-mail will have to wait until later
today, because I have to get a new battery for my Corolla. See ya.
1. http://wark.blogspot.com/
sirlance (2003-05-19 08:58:13) English Major
You know, the reason you¼re on my friends¼ list is because I remembered your writing from way back into the
past (what the hell was it- mid 90s?) when I was pretending I knew what the hell I was doing. And from what I
can remember, and from the discipline in your journal- I can tell that a path towards an English degree is something
you¼d be good at. I don¼t know specifically what kind of career you¼re gunning for- but I¼ve been told that an
undergraduate degree in English is almost essential for a future in less-English related areas(business, law, medicine).
I can tell you that as a cr. writing major, spurning almost every other profession out there, that unlike my peers
(business majors, computer science majors, etc.), I don¼t have a clear idea of what I¼ll be doing in the future.
Regardless, I know that writing is something I love to do, and it looks like it¼s something I won¼t stop doing any
time soon. So fuck it, do what makes you happy. And, uh, godspeed.
kevincarter (2003-05-26 19:54:08) Re: English Major
Thanks, Billy... I really appreciate the support as far as my writing goes. I¼ve become just as fascinated in literature
as well, so I really think it¼s the major for me. I¼m really thinking about law, as well, so it should be a particularly
good fit. How¼s the Creative Writing major turning out, exactly? I mean, would you advise that as a better course
of action than getting an English degree? -K
sirlance (2003-05-26 20:19:43) Re: English Major
Well, I go to school in a predominantly business school so the English department is really under-stressed. If I were a
business major, for instance, scheduling, being with friends, etc. would be so much easier in terms of a better college
experience. Writing Workshops are really worth attending at least once. It gives you a reason to write, it creates
an atmosphere where everyone thinks writing is important, you¼ll get praised, and essentially its an opportunity
to learn. Just in terms of working out in the real world, though, I mean, I can¼t think off-hand who would hire
someone with an undergrad BA in Creative Writing. It¼s double backed as a journalism degree as well so that
should be okay for me, but no. Literature is definitely better, at least in terms of a future in some kind of teaching
field. But uh, one professor told me its really about the doctorate one gets after college, so, uh. don¼t sweat the
small stuff.
wandering binx (2003-05-20 13:54:21) Oh Great Kwqaullha
You have always had a life but a very very sad one! Don¼t worry your life will continue to get better the more dorm
life you embrace at college!
kevincarter (2003-05-26 19:55:27) Re: Oh Great Kwqaullha
You¼d be surprised about how true that statement really is, Zach. ”You¼ve been taken by the wind; you have
known the kiss of sorrow.” I¼m thinking that dorm life will be great, but now is pretty damned good too. And I¼ve
had more of a life than you! :) -K
18
1.1.7
(2003-05-22 09:11)
So, quick blog entry before I leave. Sorry about the short notice, but I found out late last night that my
grandma’s going up to her house in Leadville and wants me to come with her to help clean the graves. I’ll
do my damndest to get back for [1]Liayh’s party tomorrow night, but that’s likely not going to happen. If I
don’t, everyone should know that my graduation party’s from 1-5 on Sunday, if you feel like showing up for
the Goodcents munchies.
Kate analysis will be coming later. Make-up prom didn’t happen, probably because Hilary doesn’t like
me and Jessica is busy. But it’s okay. We [and someone else knows why I mean we] are focusing our energy
elsewhere now! On to bigger and better things.
So, lamely, I’m bringing a bunch of books up to the mountains. I really wanna go up there with som[2]e [3]f
[4]r [5]i [6]e [7]n [8]d [9]s this summer, but I’ll just go up alone today.
So, I’ll probably head out in a few minutes. Off for a weekend of reading! See you all at graduation
parties this weekend.
1. http://inamoment.livejournal.com/
2. http://andrew.dreameternal.com/
3. http://ecredes.blogspot.com/
5. http://eri.pitas.com/
6. http://www.livejournal.com/users/lostheaven
7. http://www.viviscere.blogspot.com/
8. http://pma.dreameternal.com/
lostheaven (2003-05-26 18:29:42)
I WANT TO GO TO THE MOUNTAINS K.C.! We¼ll go up sometime soon, within the next week or so... Hilary
Shmilary. We¼ll win by the end of the summer Kevin, keep the faith!
kevincarter (2003-05-26 19:57:40) Mountains/Hils. Hahaha!
We should definitely go up there. I¼ll talk to my mom about getting us into Jeanne¼s cabin, which would completely rock. We will win! And we¼re moving on, both of us, after you jump. There will be no not jumping from
you, Jared. Thanks for the vote of confidence.
1.1.8
(2003-05-26 20:42)
Quick little post... I’ve had a great week overall. Things didn’t seem great last night, because I found out
that Hilary not only doesn’t ”like like” me... she also thinks I’m pretty annoying. Which I can be, certainly,
but I just wish she could have told me. We probably weren’t compatible with me. ”She’s the worst type...
she’s high maintenance and thinks she’s low maintenance.” More Ataris and Saves the Day songs to come,
I’m sure.
But I don’t care that much. I feel so much better about myself than I have in a long time. Please, please,
please get ”69 Love Songs” by the Magnetic Fields. Regardless of if you have to get it through Interlibrary
Loan or whether you buy it at the store, there are about 20 indispensable songs on it. I need to come out
19
with some kind of mixtape from that album.
Why do girls have do be so ridiculously spellbinding? They can honestly make you feel simultaneously
horrible and wonderful. I’m moving on, though. I shaved and I feel so much cooler already. Actually cooler,
too, not socially cooler.
This post is incredibly lame, but I wanted to update. I would have had a DeadJournalesque entry if I
just would have posted last night, but ah well.
I’ve had a really great time at graduation parties, for the most part, although it’s mentally exhausting.
It astounds me that I haven’t even spoken with some really fascinating people before, and hopefully over the
summer, I’ll get to know them a lot more.
More interesting things to come...
bileograph (2003-05-26 20:54:56) We all get a turn.
I found out that Hilary not only doesn¼t ”like like” me... she also thinks I¼m pretty annoying. Which I can be,
certainly, but I just wish she could have told me. Heh. Oh man. Trust me, it would not have helped.
(2003-05-28 01:25:05)
...
kevincarter (2003-05-28 01:33:24) Hm.
I guess I¼ll have to turn that Log IP option on, even though I really didn¼t want to. It¼d be easier, though,
if you just told me who you are. Ellipses really don¼t give me much of a hint. Feel free to e-mail me at <a
href=”mailto:[email protected]”>[email protected]</a> if you feel uncomfortable letting me know over livejournal for some reason. Thanks.
1.1.9
(2003-05-30 10:41)
My mom woke me up at a ridiculously early hour this morning [10 o’clock], so I thought I’d at least make a
quick livejournal post in this somewhat sleepy state. [That alliteration, by the way, was specifically designed
to emphasize my deeper theme. It wasn’t just a coincidence. No, no, no.]
Went to the [1]Mercury Cafe last night to check out a [2]9-11 conspiracy movie with [3]Brandon, but now
we’re stumped as to what to do about what we know. It was ridiculously interesting, but what can we do
about it? How can we change the state of things right now? I feel powerless sometimes.
Got a letter from a girl I met at [4]GYLC two years ago, which was great. I absolutely love getting mail. It
was just kind of out of the blue. Having someone think about you is one of the most rewarding experiences
in the world to me. For some strange reason, the concept that other people think about me independently
of seeing me or the concept that they talk about me while I can’t hear is fascinating. I’ll admit to being a
horrible eavesdropper, which I should change unless I want to end up like our dear ol’ friend Polonius.
For all you lit geeks out there, I’m currently reading [5]John Ciardi’s translation of Dante’s Divine Comedy,
and I’m curious if it’s worth wading through The Purgatorio and The Paradiso along with The Inferno,
thanks to my relatively small knowledge of European style. Ciardi, in his introduction, suggested acknowledging the value of the two lesser-known works for their composition style, but I’m not sure I could appreciate
20
Dante’s version of the Golden Mean in quite the same way that a European Lit student can. While I’m sure
it’s impressive, I guess I’m wondering if it’s worth reading that right now, or if I should be reading something
else. [And I almost certainly should be reading one of the books that it’s ludicrous for me not to have read
yet... for instance, The Iliad. [6]Stanley Lombardo’s translation is sitting on my bookshelf as I type.]
Um... hopefully that lj-cut worked okay. Listening to the songs that [7]Nick Hornby wrote about in Songbook.
Some of them are just fantastic. I mean, fairly unknown Dylan and Beatles songs, catchy pop tunes, Ani,
Aimee Mann, Teenage Fanclub, and some really good fairly unknown bands.
So, [8]Lauren’s party tonight! Should be a lot of fun. I also want to go to a Wesley Willis show tonight,
but it’s at a bar, so I probably won’t go. Plus, it’s all the way up in Fort Collins. He’s coming downtown
Saturday night, but it’s 21+. Seems like a lot of good shows are that way, sometimes. Graduation parties
are a pretty interesting social outlet, but they can be mentally exhausting for those of us who tend a little
more toward the introverted side.
I realized for the first time in a long time last night that you can see the stars from the suburbs. Barely, but
they’re still there. I hope that’s symbolic of my ability to reach them.
1. http://www.mercurycafe.com/
2. http://www.copvcia.com/
4. http://www.cylc.org/gylc/
5. http://www.poets.org/poets/poets.cfm?prmID=697
6. http://www.ku.edu/~classics/lombardo.html
7. http://www.penguin.co.uk/static/packages/uk/articles/hornby/
8. http://members.tripod.com/~oblivion_/frames.html
airik (2003-05-30 10:30:00) You are a nerd.
just thought you should know.
kevincarter (2003-05-30 10:33:16) Re: You are a nerd.
Very true. Your suspicion is confirmed, right from the horse¼s mouth. Which reminds me, I really need to decipher
the somewhat confusing, more subtle connotations of the words ”geek,” ”nerd,” and ”poindexter.” Those have always
thrown me for a loop. And you¼re trendy now, what with your livejournal username! Rock on! -K
airik (2003-05-30 12:45:53) Re: You are a nerd.
trends*
kevincarter (2003-05-31 02:02:14) Re: You are a nerd.
You¼re not allowed to emote non-actions! :) -K
airik (2003-05-31 12:15:05) Re: You are a nerd.
emotes*
xcape reality03 (2003-05-30 21:55:41) Graduation parties...
Social outlets indeed...it¼s funny how people from school act completely different now that school is over. I think
that for the first time, people are acting the way that they were scared to act before. Which I guess is good, but a
little mind-boggling at the same time. The stars have always been there, it just takes a while for all of us to
look up and see them there. I go out sometimes at night and just stare up at the sky. The stars are so beautiful and
so is the moon. It never ceases to amaze me that there is that much beauty in the world...they always fill me with a
21
sense of peace and hope. And don¼t worry, I have faith in you. You will reach the stars. Most likely, you will
push past them and then they will then look up at you. :) Mollye
kevincarter (2003-05-31 02:25:01) Re: Graduation parties...
Graduation parties really are pretty decent on the whole. Friends can be made, and in general, it¼s good saying a
final goodbye of sorts to people that you¼re gonna miss. People seem to be acting differently, which I like, because
it¼s almost always a change for the better. Sometimes you can¼t see the stars from the suburbs, which is frustrating. And thanks for the words of encouragement, Mollye. :) -K
airik (2003-05-30 23:33:05) Kevin is impotent
did you know, have you heard....
kevincarter (2003-05-30 23:49:01) Re: Kevin is impotent
Vicious vicious rumours, Erik. I¼m shocked that you would say such things! Shame, shame. I¼ll have you know
that I¼m quite potent and secure in my virility. Yes, ladies, I¼m secure in my virility! Now, at the risk of driving
you all mad, I¼ll bid you a fond adieu.
corvidae (2003-05-31 00:50:18)
Completely randomly, it¼s slightly odd, but I¼ve begun to think of you as your journal icon. Now that would be
odd... Kevin suddenly turning into some guy with black hair that never changed position and was always seen in
black and white. Oh, and I¼d definitely heard that rumor of impotency as well. But it¼s good to know you¼re
still potent and secure in your virility... I mean, since we¼re getting married and all. ...I should stop joking in text
format–so hard to tell. O Sarcasm, how I love thee. Funny that that makes it worse. ::shuts up before she really says
something irrevocably stupid:: ::sleeps::
kevincarter (2003-05-31 02:49:17) Icon/Impotence
I only wish that I was Jack Kerouac, the amazing figure pictured in my buddy icon. One of the most brilliant writers
of the 20th century. I could live with morphing into him. Good to hear the rumor¼s disspelled. So, were you
thinking Tuesday or Wednesday for the wedding? I suppose we¼re going to have to talk to the Bridesmaid, too,
and let her know exactly what¼s going on. I hate sarcasm. It¼s horrible, and I could never even imagine using it
or associating with anyone who does. -K
corvidae (2003-05-31 12:01:59) Wedding date
I was thinking Wednesday–I¼d sent a note to the Bridesmaid early this morning and her reply was that her
grandparents are flying off on Tuesday, and although she doesn¼t know when she feels she should be around and
Wednesday she will have to work at five. But we could hold the wedding around noonish and I think that would
solve the Wednesday dilemma? I¼d feel odd if we planned something for Tuesday and it ended up being the wrong
time. And somehow Wednesday just seems like a better day for holding a wedding. I¼m thinking of swearing off
sarcasm. Truly.
kevincarter (2003-05-31 15:14:57) Re: Wedding date
Wednesday it is. Noonish. I¼ll inform the best man (um, okay, this analogy isn¼t perfect) and the bridesmaid as
well. Starbucks okay? I¼ll have to hire the limo – I think they have a ¼98 Chevy Lumina model right now, and
I might have to chauffeur since we don¼t have much money – and it¼s the one at 64th and Ward. By the way,
do you have the dress and flowers picked out? Hopefully. Sarcasm has to go. -K
22
1.1.10
(2003-05-31 09:43)
Apparently, completely unbeknownst to me, [1]Lauren of last night’s party fame now has [2]her own livejournal. Rockin’. The party was really amazingly fun, although I didn’t get to meet a whole lot of new people.
I ate too much, though. Excessive DDR playing needs to be done to compensate for immense amounts of
food at graduation parties.
So, I had to get up early this morning to wait for the windshield repair guy after a late night online chatting.
[Thanks, you know who, for keeping me up until all hours of the night. :)] So, I want to get back to bed
as soon as possible, yet I was still playing Minesweeper. [3]Adam and [4]Andrew, I don’t know whether
to thank you or kill you. So I’ll just thank you for now. And I want inside information, too, Adam and
Brandon.
I’ve been trying to read the [5]New York Times online lately, to keep up with the news before I partcipate in Extemporaneous Speaking at the National Forensics League National Tournament in Atlanta this
year. Current events are something I desperately need to brush up on. Ooh, I need to update my book book,
so as not to turn this livejournal into the [6]last one I had. And I need to finish thank yous. I better get
some sleep before the next wave of graduation parties.
1. http://oblivion_.tripod.com/
2. http://www.livejournal.com/users/laurenoid
3. http://www.livejournal.com/users/ecredes
5. http://www.nytimes.com/
6. http://lastnightstears.livejournal.com/
thedexter (2003-05-31 09:32:02)
i did extemp at regionals last year. did really poorly. couldn¼t get to time. I was the alternate state pick for
after-dinner speaking, though.
azurewhisperer (2003-05-31 12:48:18) Minesweeper.
You should thank us. The benefits of Minesweeper come in myriad forms. http://inthalloffame.8m.com/commonties.html
ecredes (2003-06-01 19:03:09) (˜")˜
that link makes me happy. it¼s creepy...my favorite color is emerald green, followed closely by navy blue. We¼re
making the shirts, and i¼m going to wear it with pride. I was thinking...what if we made them bowling shirts with
our names on them, we could have nick names like...”Dust Buster” and ”Shop-vac”...only we¼ll change the definition
of a bowling shirt to a minesweepin¼ shirt... ..my life is pathetic...
azurewhisperer (2003-06-01 23:27:18) Re: (˜")˜
We. Are. So. Doing. It.
inxthisxdiary (2003-06-01 00:36:46) I've decided....
I¼ve decided you are talking about me....and you are welcome! luv me
purpledotpower (2003-06-01 15:14:58) hi
I found you on my list of similar people. I like your journal. I¼m adding you, feel free to add me back. From Sarah
23
1.2
1.2.1
June
(2003-06-03 02:33)
Went down to the 16th Street Mall last night. I love downtown, just in general. Downtown areas, really.
Either I’m destined to be a hermit out in the wilderness or a city dweller, content in a Bohemian milieu of
some sort, whether it’s hiding out and sleeping on the chairs in a coffeshop or renting a small, rat-infested
studio So, I was downtown last night, instead of calling someone I should have called! (Sorry...)
Anyway, got back from Erik’s party and Adam’s Halo inanny tonight, which was ridiculously fun. Ate
too much and need to either DDR or do something constituting physical activities tomorrow. But it was
fondue! And it was amazing!
Nothing else really happened today. I helped my dad take his car back, basically, which leaves me driving the ’89 Corolla for a few days at least. Ugh. Cars shouldn’t be a big deal, but what really bothers me
more than anything isn’t the general ghettoness of the car’s outside appearance. No, no. It’s more the lack
of decent stereo and air conditioning that really gets my goat. [Good expression, huh?]
As [1]Lauren stated, it seems like when I’m having fun, I lose intellectual abilities completely. I’ve been
reading less, writing less, and generally doing academic things less, but I feel great. I honestly do. I feel
better about the way I look, better about the way I act, and better about everything in general now that
high school’s over. Onto a new horizon. And better about romantic relationships, hopefully, since I seem to
have diagnosed past problems and resolved to fix them now.
I GOT A 1 ON BEGINNER IN MINESWEEPER. IT MADE MY NIGHT. We need to make t-shirts,
Adam and Andrew. Anyway, off to the races.
1. http://www.livejournal.com/users/laurenoid
xcape reality03 (2003-06-03 11:38:16) Yes, goats can lead to some good expressions...
But since you did not grown up on a farm/ranch in Texas as I did, you would not understand them. :) I agree,
cars shouldn¼t be a big deal, but oh how they are. I had to pay an obscene amount of money to get something simple
fixed on my car. Simple, but majorly needed, my brake lights went out. I literally have no money. It sucks, but oh
well, such is life. I wish we still had horses as main transportation, they never need to get their brake lights fixed...
...yeah, well, that¼s great that you feel better about yourself. There is nothing better than that feeling. I know
from personal experience. So congratulations on that! It takes some people soooo long to actually feel good about
themselves. But now I must go, my book is calling to be read. Ta! Mollye
kevincarter (2003-06-03 13:25:28) Re: Yes, goats can lead to some good expressions...
I¼m fascinated by this subject of goat expressions. Would you care to enlighten me, Mollye? Oh, and if you¼re
in the mood for horses, remember how much fun they are to feed, clean, pick up after, and fix when *they* break.
Trust me; even though it¼s an example of industrialized hegemony over romantic thought blah blah blah, I¼m still
glad we live in the automotive age. In regard to feeling good about myself, I guess I always have, for the most part,
intellectually. But, lately, just surface appearances have been a problem. Like it or not, societal structure tends
to favor people who don¼t always wear geek glasses or have scruffy-looking beards. Oh, and what book are you
reading? -K
airik (2003-06-03 11:50:01) Trust....
...you should trust my sense of direction more. But ONLY after i know where i am.
24
kevincarter (2003-06-03 13:06:22) Re: Trust....
Well, how do I know when you know where you are? You seemed pretty damned confident that we were heading
north on Grant, when we were heading south! Typical Catch-22. Sometimes, I think my life is more full of them
than Yossarian¼s was. -K
airik (2003-06-03 13:09:24) Re: Trust....
i told you after i know where i am. once i get out of a car in the middle of a place i¼ve never been...and im slysdexic
thats why i thought that way. anyways, um you are a nerd for using this: ”Typical Catch-22. Sometimes, I think
my life is more full of them than Yossarian¼s was.” just thought you should know :)
kevincarter (2003-06-03 13:21:28) Re: Trust....
Oh, believe me, I know. I¼m just trying to retain some of the perspicacity of my pre-summer intellectual period.
Now, I¼m playing more videogames, reading fewer books, and generally becoming stupider than I¼ve ever been.
Dante will cheer me up! ...if I can get through the ridiculous footnotes that cloud every page. Some of them are
interesting, but god. Aren¼t comedies supposed to be funny? *rimshot* -K
azurewhisperer (2003-06-03 14:18:50) Re: Trust....
Yossarian reference. 5. Dang, sometimes I wish I could rate entries. We need karma! Please shoot me.
ex wickednes659 (2003-06-03 12:07:19)
oy. someone else from arvada? ROCK. you don¼t know me. i found you by accident. but hey, you live in arvada...
... k. cool.
kevincarter (2003-06-03 13:15:49) Re:
Yep, yep. I do live in Arvada, but thankfully, I¼ll be leaving suburban hell in the fall and moving up to Boulder.
Good ol¼ CU. It¼s really a much better place than Golden, right guys? Right? After a quick perusal of your profile,
I¼m wondering... why are you anti-Jamba? I¼m not quite clear on that. I think it¼s pretty good juice, overall.
Overpriced, of course, but they give you protein and all that jazz too. So, just curious. -K
fiire (2003-06-03 15:30:43)
it¼s an inside joke between a friend and i. the jamba juice down at the 16th street mall equals evil. now i want a
smoothie. thanks! :P grrr.
ex wickednes659 (2003-06-03 15:33:51)
ahem. that comment, of course, meant to be made under THIS journal.
kevincarter (2003-06-04 04:21:16) Of course it was.
I¼ve been flipping the pages of your journal back, and I¼d just like to say I love the open letter to ”FUCK
FACE.” I can relate to it waaaaaaay too much. ¼nuff said. -K
ex wickednes659 (2003-06-04 10:56:59) Re: Of course it was.
Hahaha. The intelligence dissipates with each previous entry in my journal...
inxthisxdiary (2003-06-03 12:08:14) that's right......
should¼ve called me.....uh huh.....sorry I was at work when you did though.....I¼m sorry! lol bye
kevincarter (2003-06-03 13:18:08) Re: that's right......
See? We¼re on even footing, now. [Oh god, is this turning into a complete social blog? Probably, but isn¼t
that the purpose of these things?] Okay, your user icon is doing the same thing to me as mine did to <a
25
href=”http://www.livejournal.com/users/inamoment”>Liana</a>. I¼m absolutely convinced, now, that you¼re
not Jamie. You¼re David Bowie. It¼d be kinda funny if you suddenly started morphing into him, magically, slowly
becoming him day by day. Wouldn¼t it? Well, I only said ”kinda funny,” so I guess I¼m covered. -K
airik (2003-06-04 23:21:23) Re: that's right......
would that make me a swimsuit then>
kevincarter (2003-06-04 23:31:47) Re: that's right......
Yes.
airik (2003-06-05 10:24:24) Re: that's right......
gross
1.2.2
(2003-06-05 02:32)
Well, I think the most interesting part of this whole Livejournal thing is how relationships interweave. While
I actually do enjoy knowing little details like what people ate for their mid-afternoon snack, or whatever, I
really love exploring those interpersonal relationships. And analyzing them. I’m overly analytical about this
stuff, which is strange, since I generally rely on emotion so much these days. Well, at this point, I’m not
really sure whether to classify myself as a neo-classicist or a romantic. I guess time will tell.
Hilary: I genuinely like that girl. Not necessarily as anyone more than a friend to talk to, but I do. She’s
smart, nice for the most part, witty, and generally not a bad person to hang out with. But a relationship
between the two of us would never work out. She’s looking for perfection. She’d complain about when Dan
Brindley would wear the same pair of pants two days in a row, or when he’d wear a ”stupid” shirt. Not the
kind of girl for me.
Romantic Relationships: I want one.
Had coffee with [ LJ User: aivlis ] and [ LJ User: inamoment ]. Four hours at Starbucks, which sets a
new record. More time than I even spent talking about Prom with Hilary, which was about three-and-a-half
hours.
I’m having trouble with falling asleep during reading Dante’s Inferno, too. I think I need a new translation if I want to tackle Purgatorio and Paradiso. Maybe something that doesn’t compromise clarity for
sake of rhyming. Next, I’m planning on reading Snow Falling On Cedars, followed by Sinclair Lewis’ Babbitt.
I’m excited.
Okay, ate way too many chips today and didn’t DDR at all. This is a significant problem. Well, the
thing is that my TV isn’t in my basement anymore, so it’s not as convenient. It’s all mental, exercise is. I
swear. I should just play basketball or something. It’d be fun, too, and probably isn’t as hard on your knees.
Ugh.
Music isn’t quite having a great effect on me tonight. I drug out Highway 61 Revisited after being severely
bored with the music I’ve been listening to, and it’s great, but I’m not getting the sheer emotion out of
Dylan that I usually get. Except for Like A Rolling Stone. I like Side B better anyway, though, so I’ll wait
to turn it over. I want to be as talented as this man.
I thought I had more to write about, but apparently not. I’ll remember everything later. G’night.
26
thedexter (2003-06-05 09:12:46)
starbucks? man. i hope at least you bought fair trade coffee.
kevincarter (2003-06-05 11:30:27) Re:
Well, we don¼t have any cool independent coffee shops by our house, and this seemed like the most central location
between the three of us. I don¼t like globalization any more than the next squishy liberal, but sometimes, you¼ve
gotta do what you¼ve gotta do. -K
thedexter (2003-06-05 11:43:02) Re:
it¼s when we compromise our beliefs for convenience that wal-mart, home depot, starbucks, et al will truly rule
our lives.
kevincarter (2003-06-05 12:05:03) Re:
It¼s when we don¼t compromise our beliefs for having coffee with our friends that we don¼t have lives. And,
besides, we don¼t even have any independent coffee shops around Arvada, other than the Daily Brew, which
is more expensive than Starbucks and not as good. [Starbucks already charges outrageous prices for a vanilla
steamer, but it¼s more at The Daily Brew.] When globalization can provide a better environment for drinking
coffee than a local storeowner, I¼ll go with the chain any day of the week. Also, while I¼m reading some of the
anti-globalization rhetoric lately, I haven¼t really taken steps to do that much research on my own. However, I
don¼t think a world free of globalization is good either. I mean, take a look at what Jefferson tried to do with
the Non-Intercourse Act in the early nineteenth century. Yeah, that worked really well for our economy. Being
overtly nationalistic and avoiding societal problems that need to be fixed by globalization isn¼t good either. Take,
for instance, the issue of female genital mutilation common in central Africa right now. Obviously, these jingoistic,
xenophobic governments are going to try to preserve part of their ”culture” by instituting a misogynistic policy that
would deprive women of pleasure during sex. Much as the UN and other global forces (who impose a supposed
”Western hegemony” upon third world nations) stopped the evils of Apartheid in South Africa, there needs to be
some kind of force that makes conditions better for citizens of other countries. Besides, companies like Starbucks
– whether we like it or not – tend to raise standards of living in other countries. I don¼t know. The globalization
debate is a tough one for me, and I guess I¼m to some extent playing devil¼s advocate right now. It¼s good to
actually talk to you again, dex. My AIM name is ”shotintoeternity,” in case you¼d like to talk more. Or, if you¼d
like, we can carry out our debate on my LJ. :) -K
kevincarter (2003-06-05 12:19:42) Um.
Scratch the first sentence of the first paragraph. It wasn¼t sincere. Instead of trying a vitriolic, ad hominem
attack, I went with an actual debate. Sorry about that. -K
thedexter (2003-06-05 12:22:03) Re:
Latin American, African, and Asian nations that cultivate coffee beans can¼t have a raised standard of living
when Starbucks pays them current market rate for coffee they can¼t survive. That¼s why Fair Trade coffee is
good; Starbucks sells it but you have to ask for it. Basically it says that they won¼t buy coffee for anything
under a set price, enough for farmers to live off their crop instead of having to sell it at market price. See:
http://www.globalexchange.org/economy/co ffee Globalization has been set in motion and it¼s hard to stop it,
but when the only body governing it is the non-elected profit-above-all-else gentlemen of the World Trade Organization, that¼s bad news. We can¼t play the fair trade card when other countries don¼t, also, or else they
have quite a bit of an edge over us. See: Micron Inc. being trampled by Hynix, where Hynix is heavily subsidized
and Micron is not. (Of course that¼s another issue entirely; Micron tried to buy Hynix, Hynix refused, and then
Micron cried to Congress saying they needed tariffs, and got them...) While I agree that the US can¼t play
isolationist any more, who are we to say that our system is any better or more valid than apartheid or Vietnamese
27
communism or any other system? That¼s one of the many reason I don¼t much care for the war in Iraq: Saddam
Hussein was a cruel dictator, certainly, but isn¼t it the business of his people to create a military coup? Certainly
if one was started we could help, but who are we to spend literally billions of dollars on an unprovoked war that
kills thousands of civilians and military personnel alike, when Oregon had to cut their school week to four days
to do something about the crippling economic disaster that faces our nation? Or that the state of Idaho¼s civil
workers have had to go without any pay increases for two (coming on three) years for the same reason? Tax cuts
for the wealthy don¼t seem like they¼ll do much for that; the wealthy don¼t spend money, they save it and live
off the interest, by and large. Keynes has shown that laissez-faire capitalism doesn¼t really work and that¼s all
that Reagan, Bush, and Bush and their myriad neo-conservative (or ”compassionate conservative”; what a joke)
comrades have been doing, in order to line their stupid fat pockets. yes, I realize I skipped from argument to
argument and issue to issue and that exemplifies various fallacies of argument but whatever. this is casual.
kevincarter (2003-06-05 12:30:11) Re:
I didn¼t use coffee beans, so I hope that makes it better. Mine was just steamed milk and vanilla flavouring.
:) The WTO¼s a horrible organization, which is why we need to make globalization less about one country
controlling the majority of what goes on in the world. But that gets people angry, because they don¼t like to
talk about the US giving up its national sovereignty. I¼m going to completely disagree with you about apartheid.
Do you honestly think it¼s a good system, or even comparable to the United States¼ new attitude towards
racial relations? I mean, come on. I¼ll take a little cultural relativism, but that argument¼s fairly ridiculous.
Well, I¼m also against the war on Iraq, because I support the right of indigenous people to rebel. The problem
in South Africa was that a rebellion of sorts was already going on. [See Alan Paton¼s novel Cry, the Beloved
Country for a great novelized version of what happened.] The people, though, continued protesting. The
War on Iraq is wrong for innumerable reasons, though, including its ability to take away our civil liberties. But,
most of all, it seems that Iraqi sentiment favors Hussein as a dictator right now. Even many of the Kurds don¼t
support war as an alternative. I know I¼m preaching to the choir here, but I¼m differentiating between Iraq
and South Africa. Informality is absolutely fine with me. :) -K
thedexter (2003-06-05 13:51:48) Re:
I¼m not in favor of apartheid at all. I¼m really quite a radical, so I¼d say that revolution from those not supporting the apartheid system–be it inside the system or outside, whatever works (though preferably nonviolent)–is
the best option. Sanctions against North Korea, China, Cuba, Iraq, South Africa under apartheid, though, that
doesn¼t hurt those that we want it to. Mao and Saddam never lived in poverty because we refuse to sell bread
to their people. The only people we hurt are those that can¼t much be hurt more, and us still having sanctions
against Cuba is something I get angry about. People say Nixon was a good president (failing Watergate) because
he opened up trade with China and shut down the Vietnam war; well, what¼s opening trade with China? China
is a communist nation, no different than Cuba or North Korea, but they have a billion people–producers and
consumers for America. China is a terrible nation with human rights violations like it ain¼t no thing, and us
having sanctions against Cuba is terrible because the poor are still poor, the well-off are still well-off, and those
that are hungry are hungrier than they might be otherwise. Sorry for digressing. I probably phrased my feelings
poorly at first. Apartheid is bad news, but pressure from the UN and support to those against it from the US
and allies would¼ve been preferred, to me, to sanctions. I¼m a member of the Green Party, and we favor
a pro-democratic foreign policy (no unilateral US intervention, close overseas military bases, disband NATO,
ban US arms exports–75 % of all arms in the world are made in America–abolish CIA, NSA, end economic
blockades, cut off US aid to counter-insurgency wars, require national referendum to declare war and require war
be declared when wars occur: e.g., Iraq, Vietnam, Afghanistan).
kevincarter (2003-06-06 23:10:15) Hmmm...
Interesting post. I suppose the relative informality of our debate has discouraged me from posting more
promptly, and I certainly apologize for that. I honestly think we agree on most of these major issues, as my
28
political tendency is to lean toward much of either the Green Party or Libertarian platform. Um, I can¼t pay
that much attention, because my cat is hilariously gnawing on a moth. I¼m losing my completely pacifistic
leanings, though, and advocating a somewhat more pragmatic approach. I know all of us have global namebrands that we depend on, one way or the other. Whether it¼s the General Mills cereal, Pop-Tarts, or Eggo
waffles that we crave in the morning, we all succumb to globalization slightly every day, even each morning,
multiple times. ”Simplify, simplify, simplify” is a great motto, and sometimes, I think it can take precedence
over whatever the political issue of the week is. Starbucks isn¼t great, but even if I boycott it, I still buy my
books, music, food, car, and stapler from organizations that employ globalization as a business tactic. While
I don¼t really have a devil-may-care attitude, things are bound to happen, and before I go cold turkey on
consumer goods, I want ensure I¼m making the right decision. -K
(2003-06-05 23:29:09)
Starbucks sucks
kevincarter (2003-06-05 23:37:30) Re:
I¼m pretty sure that <lj user=”thedexter”> and I have already had this conversation. Please see above. -K
hardlifekid (2003-06-06 17:39:18) hi
hi kevin, you probably dont know me but, i was in this years pomona encore, i have shaggy black hair, and im a
neighbor and friend of your friend erik, i was wondering if i could add you to my friends list? you seem like a really
cool guy.
kevincarter (2003-06-06 23:12:37) Re: hi
Please, feel free to add me to your friends list, Geordan, but only if I can do the same. I¼d highly advise that you
stay in the choir program, and try to reform the hierarchy as much as you possibly can. Get in there, make friends,
and sing your heart out. [And if you pay enough attention to music theory, you might be able to sneak your way
into All-State Choir. Trust me, it works wonders. Those judges are easily fooled. :)] Having already read your past
few livejournal entries, I hope to see the same caliber of posts continue. Um, basically, hi! -K
hardlifekid (2003-06-07 10:18:04) Re: hi
yes, i think i will stay in choir even though all the troubles i had with mrs. miller this year, but in the end she gave
me a B which im glad she did, sure you can add me, i just dont think my posts are that interesting, but im sure ill
find something to write about. -Geordan
aivlis (2003-06-06 22:36:55) Whoa...
Kevin - You¼re incredible. Seriously. Silvia
kevincarter (2003-06-06 23:13:32) Re: Whoa...
So are you. But I¼m writing you an e-mail as we speak to tell you just that, so you¼re going to have to wait a
minute for a little more in-depth reply. :) -K
1.2.3
(2003-06-06 23:52)
Before I write about anything else, I absolutely have to write about what I did tonight. Definitely some of
the most intense moments I’ve ever experienced while reading. After reading the greater portion of David
Shickler’s short story collection, Kissing In Manhattan, I realized that I had yet to finish Dante’s Inferno.
Up to this point, I’d been having difficulty with it. Obviously, Inferno isn’t exactly a wacky joyride through
the depths of hell, but I was having more trouble than I even thought I would. Ciardi’s translation (discussed
29
before) might be partly to blame, but still. Anyway, I’m missing the biggest part of my story. To compensate
for some of the trouble, I decided to experiment with the music I was listening to. Recently, as many of you
know, I’ve been obsessed with The Magnetic Fields’ album, 69 Love Songs, which I’ve been listening to as I
read. But it wasn’t cutting it. Too literary, and I was paying attention to the lyrics instead of doing a close
read. So, tonight, I put on Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Music.
For those of you who don’t know, Lou Reed basically released his album as a flip of the middle finger
to his record label. It’s a collection of feedback noises in the studio. Lester Bangs, the greatest rock reviewer
of all time, had sort of a love/hate obsession with the man, much as I do. A great admirer of Reed’s earlier
work with his band The Velvet Underground (highly, highly recommended), he couldn’t get past the banality
of his later work. Thus, he wrote a completely sarcastic review glorifying the album as one of the greatest
ever. Bangs is highly recommended, too, but at any rate... I decided they would make a perfect couple
tonight. Music that makes your ears bleed and Dante.
God, was I right.
It was amazing. Just breathtaking. Until the last couplet, I was spellbound. Interweaving sounds of
horror filled my ears through my headphones. I was hooked. I’m thinking about doing a re-read of it, with
tha music pulsating through my ears. God, I have a monstrous headache.
[1]Brandon and I had quite an adventure in Boulder last night. Gas meters can be quite deceiving in the
mountains, and we soon discovered that... well... we didn’t have quite the amount of gas that we thought we
did. A night generally filled with conversation suddenly became mute as we each frantically tried to think of
what to do if we actually ran out of gas. There was one singular cellphone out there, and neither Brandon
nor I had a cellphone with us. Scary as hell, but life is nothing if you’re never scared. No fear. We made it
to the gas station, but barely. Overall, a great night, but I longed for a girl to spend it with. Just looking
at all the couples walking up there in the slightly chilled air, hand in hand, is enough to make any romantic
pine with envy. Trust me. I was pining. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy Brandon’s company, of course. It was
more that I need romance right now. I need it to dull some of the pain I have, and I want a connection with
someone incredibly desperately right now.
Not quite sure what to read next. I’m thinking, first, my ”ultra-secret book” (Snow Falling on Cedars],
for my book club with and . I’m really looking forward to it, but I’m not going to be able to retrieve it from
the library, thanks to going to Leadville tomorrow to help my grandma move. Plus, I should be able to read
it fairly quickly. Also thinking about some Nietzsche, The Iliad, and Sinclair Lewis’ Babbitt. Swear to god,
this isn’t going to turn into a lit journal.
Magnetic Fields song o’ the day: ”Love Is Like a Bottle of Gin.” Please, get it. Right now. It’s so ineffably brilliant. I know Nick Hornby says that’s not the right way to write a record review, but in this case,
it certainly is. Double middles to Monsieur Hornby.
By the bye, I thought about using an lj-cut for this entry, but then I realized that I’d largely be cutting out my entire journal for one that excluded ”Literary and Music Ramblings.”
Jared’s graduation party was today, and it was absolutely superb. Although, since they’re over, I’m going to be rather happy taking a short hiatus from hot dogs and hamburgers. We should have definitely
played Halo.. :) I realized how much better talking to people in real life was today. I mean, obviously it’s
better face to face, but I regret talking to people that much online. I feel like I’m sort of a different person
on AIM than I am in ”Real Life,” and I don’t like it too much. I mean, it’s sort of an effective way of getting
people together, I suppose, but in general, I would prefer to use it rarely at most.
30
Speaking of AIM, I think we should all be a lot less hesitant to decide on things to do. I mean, there’s
so much out there. Personally, I’d like to go down to the Rocky Horror Picture Show downtown tomorrow
night. If anyone’s interested in accompanying me, just give me a call at home. I won’t be here tomorrow
morning at all, since I’ll be in Leadville, but I’ll be back reasonably early in the evening, and it doesn’t start
until around midnight. So, give me a buzz.
Swear to god, listening to MMM was therapeutic. Music sounds beautiful again. Words seem clearer,
ironically, since this journal entry is desultory [high-five to WOTD subscribers, who know who they are] to
the extreme. Um, that last sentence is a case in point. I leave and heave a sigh and say good byyyye. Good
BYYYYYE! Or at least good night. Ta ta.
corvidae (2003-06-06 23:05:46)
...way to pick I date I won¼t be here. Fine, I¼ll go by myself to the Rocky Horror Picture Show sometime. :P
kevincarter (2003-06-06 23:15:02) Hmmm...
It might be difficult for me to get there tomorrow, anyway. We should go another time, when we can all plan our
schedules around it. Don¼t go alone! The goth kids might, like, suck your blood. They¼re known to do that, of
course. [¼specially a certain not-goth kid, right?] -K
ecredes (2003-06-06 23:43:16) Re: Hmmm...
i¼m not able to either...work is starting to take over my weekends... ...and...long post.
kevincarter (2003-06-06 23:45:50) Re: Hmmm...
Yeah. Ultra-long. Well, the Rocky Horror doesn¼t start until midnight or so, which would probably be after you
get off of work. At this rate, we should probably reschedule for a more convenient time. -K
airik (2003-06-07 20:54:00) you dont have to go alone..
I¼ll go with you since i wont go see it with them due to parental complications.
wynand (2003-06-07 00:40:02)
Do not read Babbitt! Not a worthwhile book.
kevincarter (2003-06-07 00:42:14) Re:
Interesting that you should say that... Any reasons why, in particular? I¼m always interested in a scathing, biting
parody of suburbia and general banality and inanity in life. From what I¼ve heard about it, provoking thoughts
seem to come after reading it. Of course, I¼ve heard Lewis¼ prose isn¼t exactly memorable; it¼s more the sheer
scale of his writing that causes the ”profound shift in thinking,” or whatever. I respect your opinion highly, though,
and I¼m highly interested as to why you think that. -K
wynand (2003-06-07 01:44:54)
It¼s boring. What it says ultimately is interesting, a good thesis and some good images (like the fairy child that
haunts Babbitt¼s dreams), but there¼s just not an interesting plot: there are minor crises with social classes and
the kid needs money to buy a car, but it¼s just like a sitcom. It¼s not that funny either. Give it a shot though;
if you really like the parody you might be able to sustain interest.
31
lostheaven (2003-06-07 19:28:59) Hey Kevin
I¼m commenting on your post with you right next to me. I hope your happy. Drive safe and have safe sex!
airik (2003-06-07 20:56:02) gross
gross
lexiramone (2003-06-24 01:25:12)
”It was amazing. Just breathtaking. Until the last couplet, I was spellbound. Interweaving sounds of horror filled
my ears through my headphones. I was hooked. I¼m thinking about doing a re-read of it, with tha music pulsating
through my ears. God, I have a monstrous headache.” you are my hero. that¼s awesome. I¼ve always been too..
not scared... just.. i dunno... I¼ve heard too many horror stories about Metal Machine Music to listen to it. But
curiosity is getting the best of me...
1.2.4
(2003-06-07 00:50)
A dire warning to those attending the Colorado School of Mines this fall, from St. Augustine, surely one of
the most carefree, easy-going individuals in the history of western civilization. May God smite you, if you
stray from the path of liberal arts!
”The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The
danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and
confine man in the bonds of Hell.”
Beware. I no longer have to entertain false friendships with engineers. Game over.
[Sorry. A fun post to get me out of jibber-jabber mode. (Dude, Jabber, Lianandrew? Good IM client.)]
azurewhisperer (2003-06-07 00:05:01) Ahem.
Lianandrew, eh? Typically the abbreviation is Liandrew, but I suppose that works too. :-P As for my thoughts about
Jabber. ...
corvidae (2003-06-07 00:08:30)
It is indeed supposed to be Liandrew... but anywho... Jabber! And ouch. Does anything change since I¼ll be
half-engineer and half-artsy? You can have a false half-friendship with me.
kevincarter (2003-06-07 00:13:01) Heh.
Interestingly, this is generating a lot more commentary than my other post. Honestly, I really do love mathematics.
I¼ve just had horrible instruction in the subject. Actually, I¼m interested, if anyone is interested in semi-instructing
me, in learning some Trig this summer. So, if you still have your textbook around, feel free to lend it to me. I want
to become more well-rounded, and to do so, math and the sciences are two fields that I need to conquer. Liandrew is
definitely what I meant. It was only in a flurry of keystrokes that I got it wrong. Andrew, your thoughts on Jabber
are eerily similar to mine. Oh, yeah. And Ladder Theory Part 2 is coming very soon, particularly if romance doesn¼t
spring into my life damn soon. :) -K
kevincarter (2003-06-07 00:14:51) Re: Heh.
By the bye, the friends thing was a deliberate parody of Brandon¼s eerie May 30 post, I believe, where he wrote
about not having to entertain false friendships. I consider mathemeticians and scientists alike to be my close friends.
32
However, if they don¼t feel like they¼re following their true passions, I¼d highly advise a major change to English.
:) -K
(2003-06-07 00:19:12) I like this one the best
A mathematician, like a painter or a poet, is a maker of patterns. If his patterns are more permanent than theirs, it
is because they are made with ideas. Godfrey Harold Hardy
kevincarter (2003-06-07 00:20:22) Re: I like this one the best
Well-played. It hurt the worst when you used my own idols against me. Thoreau, Emerson, Steinem, etc. Probably
would have been better to put them in the same post, but if I¼m guessing the identity of the poster correctly, that
doesn¼t exactly fit your blog style lately. A mishmash of posts. :) -K
(2003-06-07 00:27:55) Re: I like this one the best
8-) I am glad that you saw who I was trying to use
azurewhisperer (2003-06-07 00:32:27) Just a note...
Deleting these comments would be a dire error. They are very insightful. :)
kevincarter (2003-06-07 00:33:18) Re: Just a note...
Fair enough, although I think a prospective English major might be in betrayal mode. :) -K
azurewhisperer (2003-06-07 00:36:14) loyalty++;
You musn¼t forget that my major is subject to change, though. Can I not side for both, at the moment? :-P
kevincarter (2003-06-07 00:38:19) Re: loyalty++;
You certainly can. I¼ll allow it at the moment, to keep as many friends after this flamebait post as I can. *grins*
-K
(2003-06-07 00:38:41) MATH QUOTES
The mathematical sciences particularly exhibit order, symmetry, and limitation; and these are the greatest forms of
the beautiful. -Aristotle Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas. -Albert Einstein If a man is
at once acquainted with the geometric foundation of things and with their festal splendor, his poetry is exact and
his arithmetic musical.-Ralph Waldo Emerson The most distinct and beautiful statement of any truth must take
at last the mathematical form. -Henry David Thoreau There is an astonishing imagination even in the science of
mathematics ... We repeat, there is far more imagination in the head of Archimedes than in that of Homer. -Voltaire
Whoever despises the high wisdom of mathematics nourishes himself on delusion. Leonardo da Vinci There is no more
a math mind, than there is a history or an English mind. Gloria Steinem Every good mathematician is at least half
a philosopher, and every good philosopher is at least half a mathematician. Gottlob Frege A mathematician, like a
painter or a poet, is a maker of patterns. If his patterns are more permanent than theirs, it is because they are made
with ideas. Godfrey Harold Hardy This therefore is Mathematics: She reminds you of the invisible forms of the soul;
She gives life to her own discoveries; She awakens the mind and purifies the intellect; She brings light to our intrinsic
ideas; She abolishes oblivion and ignorance which are ours by birth. Proclus Diadochus The discoveries of Newton
have done more for England and for the race, than has been done by whole dynasties of British monarchs. -Thomas
Hill
abstractpolygon (2003-06-08 15:10:09)
Hello there, I¼m ”L¼oiseau”, if you will. i did an interest search on LJ, and found that we have very similar interests,
many of which i forgot to list on my interest section in my user info. You seem very interesting, henceforth, i¼m
adding you to my friends page. Add me if you so desire. I also enjoy debate (congressional, Ted Turner), the strokes,
33
and the following, but not limited to: almost every interest you listed, believe it or not. haha. Comment/ IM me...
<->L¼oiseau De Feu.
1.2.5
(2003-06-09 15:18)
Trying to update with ridiculously bloated Semagic. Features overload, but this’ll be better for editing, I
suppose, since my entries are generally ridiculously long. It’s kind of difficult to get a perspective on how
long the entry is, though, since this client is so much wider than the other one. It feels like I’m filling up
almost no space at all while typing.
So, I leave for Atlanta in...five days. How many Congress speeches have I written? Oh, none. Dammit,
how did I get to Nationals? Oh, that’s right. Effort. Well, that effort certainly isn’t coming very easily now,
is it? Okay, so I’ve established that I need to work on this stuff, but what am I doing instead? That’s right.
Typing a livejournal entry. Que sera sera.
For all of you intimately involved in my romantic life, I got an e-mail from Hilary last night which was
probably the nicest Dear John e-mail I’ll ever get in my life, regardless of the fact that we really didn’t have
that kind of relationship to begin with. Basically, she eloquently [and how else would she write?] laid out the
reasons why relationships for her, this summer, wouldn’t work out. Lately, I’ve been slightly disenchanted
with her re: the whole make-up prom thing, but the e-mail reminded me why I liked her in the first place.
Being able to fluently quote Audrey Hepburn [when she talked about having the mean reds and not even
being able to cure them by going to Tiffany’s] and self-deprecating jokes about Lutheranism certainly don’t
hurt. Thankfully, in the e-mail, she was ”NOT being passive aggressive.” Instead, she said that it was her
”being honest, one of the few things [she doesn’t] do well or often.”
I found the whole thing ridiculously interesting, as one of the things that attracted me to her was trying to put the puzzle of her mind together. She said that she couldn’t date anyone right now, not even her
best friend/gigantic crush, this kid who she’s known since he was born. Constantly, she idealizes him and
says they’re going to get married, but now I kinda understand that whole thing. Basically, she explained her
alienation and feelings of helplessness to me and reasoned that she had to learn to deal with those feelings
before she could enter into a truly meaningful relationship.
Later, she said that ”maybe one day [she] could be that girl, but [she] can’t promise anything, and [she’s]
not going to make any promises anymore,” considering the Prom fiasco we went through. She ended with ”I
love [Andy], and I love you, but I need to learn to love myself first,” which I thought perfectly explained the
rationale behind why we shouldn’t date right now. So, there’s a little delving into my romantic life.
More later, but for now, I have to go sell my beloved Lumina to some guy who’s not going to appreciate it nearly as much as I do.
lostheaven (2003-06-09 16:13:21)
Stop listening to the magnetic fields!
corvidae (2003-06-09 17:31:52)
What¼s wrong with semagic?
34
that¼s incredible, that you are going to congress nationals, and that congress is my event...Ah! amazing and enthalling and well...quite interesting, to say the least. Two of my friends are going to nationals– one is named Mike
Greenblatt. He will be competing in your event. He¼s fair. The other is named Kristi Olsen, and she¼s doing O.I.
She¼s great. This is so weird, meeting another congress competitor from across the country.
1.2.6
(2003-06-09 17:37)
Okay. Finishing up this entry. So, last night, I went up to the mountains with [1]Brandon, [ LJ User:
lostheaven ], and [ LJ User: fakesuicide ] last night. A lot of fun, definitely. Dammit, though, I wish it
would have been before 9, so we could have gone into the bar. Not cool at all. Yesterday, I finished David
Schickler’s ”Kissing In Manhattan,” which carries my extreme high recommendations to people who usually
”don’t like reading.” This is quite a prestigious list, with ”High Fidelity” by Nick Hornby and the ubiquitous
Catcher In The Rye.
Bought The Hipster Handbook today, and I think it’s absolutely hilarious. Hopefully, there are actually
people who take that sort of thing seriously.
I don’t wanna get ooooooover you... I guess I should take a sleeping piilllll... okay, I guess I should probably
stop now. Got an e-mail back from aforementioned Abby, which was greatly appreciated. Life is fairly
interesting right now, but I can’t manage to articulate any of it. I should just make this update longer, but
I don’t want to infuriate my readers.
airik (2003-06-09 16:58:04) bad movie
high fedility is.........
lostheaven (2003-06-09 17:51:18)
Kevin... wanna go some rounds? Gloves off, no holds bar. Its on mutha¼ fucka!
dedalus (2003-06-10 13:00:08)
you were at the top of my list of similar people...mind if I add you?
kevincarter (2003-06-10 13:48:37) Re:
Absolutely not. As long as you don¼t mind if I add you. :) -K
the chuck (2003-06-10 20:46:39)
kev! it¼s been so long, man. time to get reacquainted into your life. i¼ll be reading every day. :D
noodleboi (2003-06-10 23:19:57)
Wow, hey! Same here. =) –Herc
1.2.7
Hm. (2003-06-11 11:56)
A quick post, since I’m being coerced into doing chores right now, plus picking up clothes for my Atlanta
trip and turning in a job application. Where else would I apply? Of course, I don’t have to work there, but
35
I’d at least like a job offer, even if it’s only part-time.
Following a page out of [ LJ User: skullie ]’s book, I decided to post my LJ Match results. MY USER
NAME IS KEVINCARTER, in case you’re curious. Now you don’t have to pay anything to find out who
I am.
[1]absolution
[2]casey
98%
91%
[3]the_chuck
91%
[4]bileograph
[5]skullie
[6]thedexter
[7]czircon
84%
80%
79%
76%
[8]endermunkee
71%
[9]pavlovsbelle
69%
[10]_dedalus_
69%
[11]panoptican
65%
[12]noodleboi
[13]diohb
36
60%
50%
[14]wulfmadchen
35%
[15]How compatible with me are YOU?
1. http://www.livejournal.com/users/absolution/
2. http://www.livejournal.com/users/casey/
3. http://www.livejournal.com/users/the_chuck/
4. http://www.livejournal.com/users/bileograph/
5. http://www.livejournal.com/users/skullie/
6. http://www.livejournal.com/users/thedexter/
7. http://www.livejournal.com/users/czircon/
8. http://www.livejournal.com/users/endermunkee/
9. http://www.livejournal.com/users/pavlovsbelle/
10. http://www.livejournal.com/users/_dedalus_/
11. http://www.livejournal.com/users/panoptican/
12. http://www.livejournal.com/users/noodleboi/
13. http://www.livejournal.com/users/diohb/
14. http://www.livejournal.com/users/wulfmadchen/
15. http://www.ljmatch.com/index.php?r=/N5yJQrk2oJWF1fa3RKdNM2iSVdWj4Ro
killmenowthanks (2003-06-11 11:45:58)
Let¼s be friends.
kevincarter (2003-06-11 12:21:57) Re:
We should do just that. -K
1.2.8
The actual post of the day. (2003-06-11 14:18)
Welp, last night was fun, despite being called Johnny Unitas for a while there. Brandon, it’s always nice to
know that while my jokes are often horrible, they can never compare to some of yours. Yes, I did refer to a
Rudyard Kipling poem to describe the philosophy of an imperialistic-sounding alien at Disney World. But
it was funny! I mean, ”The Green Man’s Burden”? That’s pure genius! Of course, while there are times I
hate having my sense of humor, I always love those reactions where people blankly stare at you after you
tell a joke. (Note to self: fewer literary allusions in jokes.)
When I got home last night, I did the standard e-mail catching up. Honest to god, I love receiving them.
When I open my mailbox and find no entries, I get depressed. It’s strange how that works. We all love
receiving mail, I suppose, but it’s even better when I get actual mail. Y’know, the kind that comes in an
envelope and stuff? (Thought I’d refresh your memory if you’ve been hanging out online too long.)
Unfortunately, [1]book [2]club didn’t work out today. Sometimes, it’s nice to be forced to read. As I
might have mentioned earlier, we’re reading Snow Falling on Cedars right now. (Hey, and I know what
you indie kid literati think. It’s not a trashy book by any means. It won a PEN/Faulkner award, for your
information, so if Don DeLilo and co. are trashy, then fine. It is too, under that logic.) Initially, I thought it
was a murder mystery of sorts, but thankfully, the court trial is just a plot device to meditate upon racism
37
and Japanese internment. Courtroom dramas in and of themselves are so uninteresting, but when the trial
is a microcosm of some societal event, I generally love it. (Inherit the Wind, anyone?)
Wow. Anyone else notice that I’m using a certain piece of punctuation often in this entry? Please, take my
apparently constant, fresh bouquet of early blooming parentheses! ((())) ...I begin my metamorphosis into
the prolixity and alienation of Buddy Glass at such an early age. Hopefully, I don’t become as unreadable
as he was in Seymour: An Introduction. Of course, that was only him as a character, but I think Salinger’s
aging process as I writer had something to do with it. ”Hapworth” gives further credence to my beliefs, as
does his celebratory, grandiloquent essay on Whit Burnett. Sometimes, I wonder if his posthumous stuff will
rival his earlier work. Other times, I wonder if his posthumous stuff will ever be released.
This summer, along with my Trigonometry project, I’d like to do a further exploration of neo-classicist
and Romantic philosophy, with possible trips into existentialism and Nietzsche. Anyone interested? Anyone? *cricket chirps in the background* Hmmmmm.
Welcome to new readers on my friends list! I don’t know how you find out about my journal, but I’m
glad you do! Somehow, writing for a larger audience helps me concentrate more on consistently updating,
etc. Oh, and I’m getting used to Semagic, especially the cool little taskbar flash when you have a friend
update.
[Review on Radiohead’s new Hail To the Thief coming later today...]
1. http://aivlis.livejournal.com/
thedexter (2003-06-11 13:27:03)
() was a good album.
kevincarter (2003-06-11 13:32:24) Re:
I adore Sigur Ros, but I thought their first was far superior. Maybe I was expecting too much innovation on their
part, but it sounded basically the same, with less original and stirring melodies. Fantastic atmospheric album, but
when I want to listen to ambient music, I¼ll pull out Eno before Sigur Ros any day. When I want a startlingly
beautiful Icelandic album that sounds like nothing I¼ve ever heard before, I¼ll pull out Agaetis Byrjun. :) -K
thedexter (2003-06-11 13:45:28) Re:
ever hear ”thursday afternoon” by him?
kevincarter (2003-06-12 14:46:36) Re:
Unfortunately, I can¼t say that I have. While I love Eno¼s music, I haven¼t really had the money to invest in
getting into some of his other work. I listen to ”Here Come the Warm Jets” a whole lot, and I need to get into his
Roxy Music stuff, too. -K
(2003-06-11 18:04:59)
John Updike! Hahahaha, that was real fun last night Kevin.
wulfmadchen (2003-06-11 21:13:05)
::holds up her patented cricket-call:: Mmm. Philosophy. I like Romantic philosophy, and find Nietsche somewhat
intriguing. Nihilism and Neo-Classicism (with the exception of some Neo-platonist theory that, while it doesn¼t hold
up in application, really should) aren¼t neccesarilly my pot o¼ joe, but I can discuss them with a reasonable degree
of competance. Existentialism is my specialty as far as philosophy goes, particularly the Franklian/logotherapeutic
38
school thereof
kevincarter (2003-06-12 14:45:27) Re:
Well, we should start a philosophy discussion club, then, if you¼re interested. :) -K
bileograph (2003-06-11 21:28:37)
Where did you find Hapworth?
kevincarter (2003-06-11 21:57:07) Re:
Ah, my friend, send me an e-mail and I¼ll send you a link. :) <mailto:[email protected]”>[email protected]</a>.
(2003-06-12 14:19:58)
You¼d call Seymour: An Introduction unreadable? Hmmm...It¼s interesting learning about people¼s differing
tastes–that¼s one of my favorite books by Salinger.
kevincarter (2003-06-12 14:44:47) Re:
Only unreadable in comparison to some of Buddy¼s better works. Take, for instance, ”A Perfect Day For Bananafish.” S:AI is one of Salinger¼s masterpieces because he used Buddy¼s inability to effectively communicate his
own thoughts throughout the story (until the end, really) to showcase his character. While I prefer the older work of
Salinger, I can certainly appreciate S:AI as a story. -K
pixievixen666 (2003-06-12 19:48:41) Wow...
Hey. I¼m a newbie to the whole live journal scene, but i read your profile and you seem amazing. I just wanted to
let you know... email me sometime: [email protected]
sillynonsense (2003-06-12 21:46:01) yeah, i'm that girl
I¼m the (or one of the ...(s) ) chicks that added your journal. we just had alot of common interests and so you showed
up in my world. Or I showed up in your world... or something. You¼re interesting and I guess I¼m not as.. well
that¼s not true.. but I still haven¼t written alot down in my BLOG.. i¼m still loosening up to the idea that the
world can accesss my mostpersonal thoughts.. i still generally old school everything.. i¼m like on the nicorette gum
kindof program.. i¼m ”stepping” down from my paper and pen habit. Well.. yea, i¼m 19 .. traveling for a year..
name is Jan. Nice to talk at you and spy on you too.
1.2.9
(2003-06-13 23:29)
Leaving on a jetplane tomorrow and have to be up at 4:45. Sorry about the lack of updates, lately, but I’ll
be back next Saturday. Until then, have a wonderful week, and I’ll see you soon.
azurewhisperer (2003-06-13 23:05:22) See you!
Have fun. Good song, by the way.
thedexter (2003-06-13 23:24:30)
hey kevin, i actually know this girl <lj user=”debatermeg”> that¼s going to be there in the exact same category
(extemp domestic, yeah?) her name is meg and she has curly red hair. she likes ben folds a lot. if you happen to see
a girl who meets this description say hi.
39
kevincarter (2003-06-13 23:27:09) Debate
Unfortunately, I¼m actually not going in NX... instead, I¼m competing in Congress, but the sit-down extemp
category is what my supplementary event is. I¼ll definitely say hi if I see her, though. Thanks for the heads up,
Marc! -K
lostheaven (2003-06-15 11:14:24)
GOODBYE KEVIN! Damn you missed a fun night at the rocky horror picture show! EVERYONE WENT! Most
everyone won¼t go again though... :-/
kevincarter (2003-06-21 11:20:30) ...
sobs*
airik (2003-06-15 23:34:15) good movie
But there were some people ¬¬...that were talking ALMOST THE ENTIRE TIME...
airik (2003-06-17 13:17:27) hey
way to not update. ÄÄ
1.2.10
(2003-06-21 11:47)
I’m finally back from Atlanta! A full trip report coming soon, but I’m going to partake in the current
livejournal fads very quickly before a take a nap to rejuvenate myself.
First of all, taking a page out of Liandrew’s book, [1]what do you really think of me?
Secondly, because it’s fairly accurate, I’m actually going to pull one of these:
kevincarter
Magic Number
12
Job
9 to 5 Lifer
Personality
Rainy Day
Temperament
Steely
Sexual
Just Say No
Likely To Win The Booker Prize
Me - In A Word Evil
Colour
[2]Brought to you by MemeJack ________________________________________
What Does My LJ Name Mean?
Honestly, there will be more substance here soon!
1. http://blunttruth.jaazsoftware.com/takesurvey.cfm?uid=49275&sn=%n
2. http://www.castlemooch.net/memejack/homepage.asp
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hardlifekid (2003-06-21 11:59:13) hi
welcome back kevin carter! how did you do? anyways glad to see you back.
dive (2003-06-21 12:48:11)
shame i didn¼t know you were in town, old friend. i would have bought you lunch. -dive
kevincarter (2003-06-21 17:32:46) Re:
I know! I tried calling both of the Auchenpaughs in the Atlanta area, but alas, neither were home! How disappointing.
Well, I left a rather befuddled message and then got really busy with my 11 hour days of competition. Occasionally
entertaining thoughts of slitting my wrists on those days, I left a comment in Molly¼s LJ, but again to no avail. A
D*CON reunion will happen. Oh, Lord, will it ever. :) -K
dive (2003-06-22 04:06:55)
yeah, i¼ve been working like a fiend lately. though, i work at starbuck so it¼s not really a real job, but still. means
i¼m not home. ;D for future reference, you¼re more than welcome to get in touch with me via text message or
call/voicemail on my cellphone:: 404[6108951] -dive
airik (2003-06-21 16:39:34)
wb.
1.2.11
Atlanta Trip (2003-06-22 01:15)
Atlanta was decent, as I briefly touched on in my previous post. Not a shabby finish. Although I didn’t
qualify for semifinals in Congress, I managed to break all the way to fifth round in extemporaneous commentary. My speeches focused on such riveting topics as emissions standards, energy crises, and the Atkins
diet. God, I’m a geek. Met some interesting people, but I was pretty dissatisfied with the trip. Had a few
opportunities to get to know people better there, but I couldn’t get motivated to do it. It was like, I’m never
going to see you people again. A few girls from other states seemed to be interested in me, and while I might
have been very interested in them a few years ago, I had no desire to whisk off to their hotel rooms or to
have coffee with them. I want to be with someone I care about that’s right here for now. People with your
exact, exact interests aren’t even interesting. Variety is something that has been grossly underrated by me
lately. Lately, the great time I’ve had isn’t because everyone around me is exactly the same; it’s simply that
everyone accepts me, for the most part, as whoever I am.
God, listening to this song repeated makes me wish Loquat was playing a show here, or even that I had
previously bought the CDs. Well, I guess I could always purchase them online. ”You’re a dandelion seed
that flies through the air and lands randomly and disappears.” Those of you who would like a BEST OF
the Magnetic Fields album 69 Love Songs, I’m currently working on a mix. I’d be happy to send it/give it
to any one of you that might request it. One of the things I missed most on the trip, other than all of you
of course, is my music. Bringing three CDs on a week long trip, for a music geek, is not the best course of
action.
Tried to work out some in Atlanta, but I think it was rather offset by the fact that I was continually
having to eat fried food due to a lack of options and time. I’m so happy the trip’s done, though. Had
a wonderful time tonight at the block party over in Brandon’s neighborhood. It completely reminded me
of The Wonder Years, when Kevin and Whitney are at that block party. Okay, am I just imagining this
whole thing? I really hope not, because I loved the imagery in that episode. Speaking of entertainment, I
read Babbitt against Sage [ LJ User: wynand ]’s advice. Honestly, it would have made a wonderful 10 page
41
short story, but there wasn’t enough material for nearly a 500 page novel. Reminded me a little too much
of Updike, without the endearing characters. Rabbit had some qualities that made you feel at least some
affection for him. There were almost no sympathetic characters in the entire novel, which was infinitely
frustrating to me. Couldn’t Lewis have at least inserted some kind of character that knew what was going
on the entire time INSTEAD OF JUST AT THE END OF THE BOOK? Oh well. The more I read, the
more I want to. Frustrating as all hell.
Bought a journal at B. Dalton in Atlanta to begin recording dreams. I’ll post the occasional one in an
LJ cut in here, probably.
Well, I’m going to post this and draft another post that delves into my failed relationships since I hit
that beloved period known as puberty. A relatively short list that covers a surprisingly long period of time.
This is what you read for, right? Not long, long posts about nothing, eh?
ecredes (2003-06-22 13:04:51) ....
...not cool...i read all the way down...waiting for the good part...and there is no good part...it was all just a trick.
but...i do have this to say... Woot!! black coffee mood all the way!! *sheds a tear*
corvidae (2003-06-22 15:04:26)
It¼s sad that the CD only has five songs. I¼ve listened to them repeatedly though. I really need the Fall album.
Too bad I don¼t have a working record player. :\ Oh, and send me a copy of that best mix when you finish, please...
I¼d be interested to hear it even though I¼ve never heard Magnetic Fields.
bileograph (2003-06-22 23:14:44)
When I was in highschool, I participated in LD debating in a smaller league and did horribly at it. It probably had
something to do with how I¼m hardwired to be non-confrontational. However, in my second year, I said ¼fuck
it¼ and went to a single tournament participating in the Speech category (I forget which category specifically, but
it was basically the construction of an original speech and its memorization and delivery). That was the only time
in my life I was ever hit on by a girl(s) that I can confirm. The speech in of itself was this alarmist rally about
protecting the future and it turned off the judges– and also, I was wearing my chic black overcoat and jingled my keys
(subconsciously???) – but it was most certainly was a hit with the ladies. I¼m not sure exactly what I¼m trying to
say here– maybe it¼s that girls who participate in speech in highschool are loose - I dunno, but take from it what
you will.
1.2.12
(2003-06-22 02:43)
Ugh. Well, I just typed out my romantic life up until sixth grade, and just to spite me, the computer
mysteriously rebooted. I’ll type it all up again tomorrow. The things I do for you people.
1.2.13
Life post first. (2003-06-23 01:33)
Had multiple lunches today with Erik and Jared, which were both great. Then, I trekked over to Dino’s,
my very favorite restaurant in the entire world, for a family dinner. So, the day started off well. Talked
to people for a while. Dodged the bullet of getting dinner with my dad. [Not that I didn’t want to have
dinner with him, of course. Just that I didn’t exactly feel like talking.] Lately, though, I’ve just become kind
of depressed. Went over to play Halo at my brother’s friend’s house. It was mediocre at best, although I
r0x0red at Blood Gulch, even beating Jorn. I’m proud.
42
Right. I know I promised an in depth romantic exploration thing tonight, but I just don’t feel like writing
it. It’d get me more down, I think.
whitcomb (2003-06-23 03:17:52)
We share interests. Zim zim zala bim.
whitcomb (2003-06-23 03:21:44)
And reading your LJ we sound almost entirely the same in places. I am. Quite redundant by this point.
kevincarter (2003-06-25 11:44:57) :)
I¼m adding you as a friend now. -K
whitcomb (2003-06-30 16:56:15) Re: :)
Um, I want to add you back as a friend, but I gotta warn you that your friends list will be flooded with angst and
ranting. Still want in?
kevincarter (2003-07-01 00:32:33) Re: :)
Yep. -K
azurewhisperer (2003-06-23 05:53:03) Halo.
Way to r0x0r in Blood Gulch. We should definitely organize a Halonanny sometime soon. I¼ve been getting a craving
to play.
kevincarter (2003-06-25 11:46:00) Re: Halo.
Halo, Andrew! How are you today? [Okay, you know that was funny. Halo. Hello. You get the picture.] We
absolutely must organize a Haloinanny soon. I¼m getting a similar craving.
airik (2003-06-24 10:38:55) ˜("˜)
Jorn isnt cool...and way not to be home last night.
1.2.14
(2003-06-25 12:39)
[no relation to [ LJ User: lastnightstears ]]
Okay. This dream is disconnected to the extreme, but I thought I’d share it just to share it. This will
probably double as a dream journal, and I’ll make sure to lj-cut from now on, but I don’t really want to right
now. If I remember correctly, my dad (in the dream) was interviewing for this pie in the sky job that he
didn’t have a chance at. Somehow, one of his competitors cheated to get the job that rightfully should have
gone to someone else. My dad, for some strange reason, decided to chase him through this labyrinth of sorts.
Meanwhile, I was at my house working on some kind of balloon contraption. (This, of course, is strange,
because I never really build anything important. Honestly, I have no mechanical skills at all. I don’t know
why anyone would be interested in this dream. The only reason I had it was to keep me from going insane.)
Anyway, at that point, there was kind of a fantasy aspect to it. The guy chasing my dad had an spell in his
hand that would have allowed the hot air balloon to travel to another inhabitable planet. Strangely, the only
reason I remember that it was inhabitable was that my passengers and I – my passengers, for some reason,
being my younger cousins on my mom’s side – stopped to get burritos on the way up there. Oh, yeah. So,
anyway, the guy read the spell, but it wasn’t working. All I remember about it was the first line was an
43
invocation of sorts, reminding me of the opening of The Odyssey. Then, the last line of the spell had this
strange animal name in it. Everyone around me was trying to read it and pronounce it correctly, but no one
could get it right. Eventually, I gave it a try, but the balloon sprung a leak, so as I was nearing the end of
the spell, it was ineffective anyway. I’m very disappointed that I woke up at this point.
More on history of love life/life in general after I shower.
lostheaven (2003-06-25 14:51:40)
Well Kevin. A little disconnected? Yes. But compared to someone else¼s dreams... your dream is lame. But we still
love you! At least you tried.
ecredes (2003-06-26 00:03:36) ...
whos dreams are you talking about?...
ecredes (2003-06-25 18:22:50) last night at sears...
is it sad that when i saw the name ”lastnightstears” i actually saw...”lastnightatsears” ?
lostheaven (2003-06-26 15:47:44) Re: last night at sears...
ugh.. when I read that I saw ”lastnightatsears” too... *cries*
i dont know if you know this, but Freud analyzes dreams by saying that everything in the dream is a representation
of something in you or something about you. You should analyze your dream. When i analyze mine for my friends,
it helps them out a lot. I never analyze my own though, because i dream about stupid things, like trees. Haha! An
unfinished editorial is calling my name.
kevincarter (2003-06-27 09:17:02)
WOOT! I”M KEVIN CARTER! Look at me go! i have friends at sears!!!
lostheaven (2003-06-27 12:04:52)
Oh, really...? *cough*
kevincarter (2003-06-27 15:09:59) Re:
TAP TAP, Jared. TAP TAP. -K
1.2.15
(2003-06-27 21:28)
You guys are jealous. 4 / 41 / 139 are the new Minesweeper scores. Oh, and I haven’t been neglecting my
cultural senses as I sat here for about an hour today playing Minesweeper. While I was doing that, I was
listening to The 6th’s album, Hyacinths and Thistles. So far, after a semi-distracted first listen, the only
songs I’m connecting musically with are ”Give Me Back My Dreams,” ”He Didn’t,” and ”The Dead Only
Quickly.” I’m quite sure, though, that I’ll eventually become a hardcore fan of this album. I’m not obsessed
with Stephin Merritt one bit, as you might be able to tell. Well, my problem with Hyacinths and Thistles so
far is that the vocalists don’t seem to muster nearly the passion that Claudia or LD or any of the Magnetic
Fields’ vocalists do. Hopefully, I can take songs like the Numan collaboration )The Sailor in Love with the
Sea) with a grain of salt, learning to expect the nonchalant delivery of such beautiful lyrics.
Please, if you’re reading this, just skip over the next paragraph. It’s seriously not worth your time. I
44
hate myself. :)
What a geek I am. Waiting anxiously for July 1. Why would I be doing that, you might ask? Two
letters. A & P. O! what humorous dexerity didst his Maker bequeath upon Kevin Carter, particularly with
regard to his already manifested wordplay! Surely, we must ask: what other astonishing puns of delectable
wit and palpable charm inhabit the depths of his mind? A veritable myriad! An exuberant affluence never to
be paralleled by another! Scarily enough, that reads like a horrible 17th century author sucking up to a rich
benefactor.
Um. What else? Bizarre dreams about some alternate version of Student Congress last night. Weird.
Weirder than weird. Maybe I shouldn’t try to remember my dreams, because they’re never interesting at
all. Why can’t I ever have [1]interesting dreams?
Lately, I’ve been playing way too much Halo, hanging out at restaurants, and occasionally reading. Right
now, Wuthering Heights and David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day are on my shelf. This summer has been
a blast so far, but I need to find a job. Soon. [ LJ User: airik ] gave me a tip for a position at College Hill
Library. Thanks, airik! Now, wouldn’t you like to be thanked in this Livejournal, surely read by millions?
Then try to get me a job.
There’s so much to do. So much to see. ”I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to
me, but it’s hard to be angry when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I’m seeing it
all at once, and I can’t take it. My heart swells up like a balloon that’s about to burst. But then I remember
to relax, and stop trying to hold onto it. And then, it flows through me like rain and I feel nothing but
gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.” Good ol’ Lester. We really need to arrange a
group viewing of that movie, since I haven’t seen it in a while. By the way, does anyone have any quality
movie suggestions? I mean, quality, not entertaining. My indy cred is quickly draining.
Love life post will come! Trust me!
1. http://ecredes.livejournal.com/
airik (2003-06-27 22:11:03) You're welcome
I hope you get the job!...also you are not your AP grade (stupid four) AND you misspelt the book you are reading...its
obviously Weathering Heights. and ummm....you are a nerd.
lostheaven (2003-06-27 22:22:12) Re: You're welcome
You¼re also not your fuckin¼ khakis kevin. So next time I see you in a pair of fuckin¼ khakis I will kick you square
in the nuts.
ecredes (2003-06-28 01:32:04) ..
i¼m taking ”interesting dreams” as a compliment....although i wouldn¼t consider devin dying interesting...but the
other ones about my penis and other peoples penises are cool...! and the one about the muffin and bagels... that
reminds me i had another one last night...ill post it...
lostheaven (2003-06-28 14:40:15) Penii
Not cool, Adam. Not cool.
arundel (2003-06-28 01:39:00)
How is Wuthering Heights thus far? I was thinking about picking it up.
45
bileograph (2003-06-28 04:57:41)
About Schmidt if you haven¼t already. The Royal Tenenbaums is good. If you can still find it playing, A Mighty
Wind Road to Perdition is the only other film directed by the same person as American Beauty. Moonlight Mile deals
with Death and Dying. Donnie Darko is strange and though less acclaimed than the others, I still enjoyed it.
twiggy twee (2003-06-28 05:30:50)
hey, you like extistentialism and the beats, AND your name matches one amazing photographer. Cool.
wynand (2003-06-28 14:32:28)
FOUR? How in hell? I consistently get 17
airik (2003-07-02 17:46:10) *waits*
Hmmm.................*looks for something NEW and ENTERTAINING*....nope.
goldenburning (2003-07-02 20:54:37)
I don¼t know you... However, your hobbies and interests are... interesting. And I¼ve also had a dream about
Student Congress. Have you seen ”Hedwig and the Angry Inch”? Both quality and entertaining, my friend.
ex turbulenc506 (2003-07-02 23:34:46)
I was browsing the Similar Users list and I noticed you. From reading your profile and several entries, you seem very
cool. So, yeah...hello! (Hope that serves for a decent introduction.) That David Sedaris book is probably my favorite
of his. I can read and re-read ”Today¼s Special,” cracking up every time. As for movie recommendations... You may
have already seen several of these, but here¼s my list anyway: Brazil, Chinatown, Mulholland Drive, Donnie Darko,
Dead Man, Blood Simple.
1.3
1.3.1
July
’lo (2003-07-03 22:19)
Look at me. I am Kevin Carter. kay. I’m pretty bored... does anyone want to do anything? y’know like
mutilating a cat or anything. I’m sure you’ve heard of my other 40 or so works of art. If not that I’m ”up”
for something involving shot guns and my horribly large penis. *takes a sip of coffee*, i like coke bottles
too...as a matter of fact sometimes i have vanilla flavored wannabe coffee in my coke bottles. wait...i hear
my sister upstairs...i better not keep her waiting too long... :-*
I like sex.
—
Remnants of my friends’ little joke. Gosh, they’re all such cards! Hahaha!
kevincarter (2003-07-03 21:28:38)
i POST COMMENTS IN MY OWN JOURNAL TOOT!!!
46
xcape reality03 (2003-07-03 23:56:30) ....um, hi Kevin
timidly waves hand* You all right, I don¼t think I¼ve ever seen you this way... are you being sarcastic? Please say
that you are...and if not, sorry that you are in a bitchy mood. Hope things get better. Have a good forth. Mollye
pipster uwyo (2003-07-05 12:57:10) Re: ....um, hi Kevin
Icon Idea Stealer...*mumbles incoherently*
thedexter (2003-07-04 00:04:45)
but you do post comments in your own journal, toot!!, right?
corvidae (2003-07-04 00:49:30) left your computer unguarded while signed onto LJ, eh?
1) The fact that those jokes were thrown into one post scare me. I¼m not sure why. Just that particular combination
is creepy. 2) I wish I had the power to strike the phrase ”such a card” or ”such cards” from the English language.
Freaking Jim.
lostheaven (2003-07-04 10:44:56) yeah kevin
What happened man? It seems as if you¼ve changed... ;-)
1.3.2
A Promised Love Life Analysis (2003-07-04 03:28)
I’m a freak and over-analytical, but if you’ve gone this far with me, I’d still like you to read this post.
Well, as many of you know, I thought it would be interesting to track some of my crushes over my life
for two purposes. First, I want to have a chronicle of sorts about them. Never before have I looked at them
and tried to detect a synchronicity in the events themselves. (Good Police album, by the way, but it’s not as
good as Zenyatta Mondatta.] Second, I think that my past mistakes can be channeled by this crowd in sort
of a coordinated effort to stop these mistakes. That’s slightly presumptuous of me. Actually, it’s horrible
presumptuous of me, seeing as how it’s audacious for me to expect anyone to even read this prattling drivel.
Right. This is going to be a rather long post, but since this particular Livejournal is, indeed, dedicated
to exploring interpersonal relationships, I don’t necessarily want to do an lj-cut. (half-hour pause here to
play Minesweeper. Okay, it’s severely depressing and simultaneously gratifying to play Minesweeper and
get really really close to your record on expert while seeming never to beat it.) (fifteen minute pause here
discovering the amazing work of former poet laureate Billy Collins) Back to the task at hand, with a mere 45
minutes gone. I’ll go ahead and skip a few rather notable romantic interludes for purposes of space and time,
and since I don’t remember much about them. (Three days pause, since I saved this draft before actually
posting it now. No more pausing.) So, basically, the few that I’m omitting aren’t very important. Take, for
instance, the case of unknown girl at a wedding when I was about 5, who I chivalrously kissed and defended
against a slightly larger boy. One of my first fully memorable sensory experiences. I can still smell the grass
that day. Ironically, I’m actually not skipping these occurrences at all, so I’ll just start listing them. This
isn’t going to be as in depth of a history as I originally envisioned, because it just wouldn’t be that interesting
to write or read. Unfortunately for the reader, I’ve made an editorial move to scrap the sordid histories of
Lindsey, Jessica, Allison, Nadine, and Mandy. Boohoo. If you honestly want to read them (and, hot dog,
who wouldn’t?) just [1]e-mail me.
RACHEL LEWIS: 1st grade. Rachel and I were an arranged marriage of sorts, put together by circumstance and our mothers, due to their rather pressing need for a daycare that wasn’t a daycare. She lived
fairly close to us, and her parents sent her to the same private school that I attended: Christian Way, a now
47
non-existent school in Aurora that used to be located at Gateway Christian Church, strangely near to the
Nickel-A-Play in Aurora for all you DDR fans out there. DIGRESSION! Anyone who caught that literary
reference is truly my friend, even if they weren’t before. Right. Well, Rachel and I really liked each other – or
so it seemed by the awkward but genuine smiles at each other in the hall every day before recess. Saddening
to think that this is probably the most normal relationship I’ve had in the past 12 years. Rachel ended up
moving to Kansas halfway through 1st grade, which was obviously a shock to me. For God’s sake, I had to
learn to locate Kansas on a map to grasp the fact that she was leaving. Maybe this was the impetus behind
my search for the unattainable, somehow. Not ever knowing how to even carry out the full course of an
elementary crush ended up hurting me in the long run. By the way, it was also at this point that I started
getting edgy about my family’s teasing me about my romantic life. At this point, I vowed never to discuss
another one of my crushes with my mom, who was completely innocent in the matter. This caused severe
dysfunction, because there was no one wiser I could talk to about these feelings I had. I was a hopeless
romantic then, and it continues onto today.
TIFFANY ALLIS: After Rachel hit the road, I once again felt the need to develop a crush. Tiffany
was the lucky recipient of my affection. Allis was her middle name, but there were three Tiffanys in our class
(Jones and M
), and her last name was Jones too, so the teachers had to call her Allis. Anyway, my
romanticized view of girls began at this point, I think. Daydreaming in class through the stunningly horrible
smarminess of Miss Bloss (who repeatedly refused to put me in any kind of an accelerated program, because
it simply would have been ”too much work” for her), I managed to concoct about the most stereotypical
Western scene of Tiffany (Tiffani?) and I riding off into a sunset on a horse, kiss and all. Obviously, I’ve
never been known for my imagination. It sounds juvenile and fine, and it would be if I would have gotten
over it. [2]Nick was right in calling people like me who whine all the time about their romantic entanglements
”fools.” Because we are. We’re fools, who are ”deficient in judgment, sense, or understanding.” Here’s the
problem, though. This is how I work it out. It takes introspection for me; it takes staring inside at myself,
picking apart my brain until I can analyze my problems and deficiencies. Tiffany was, of course, the cutest
and smartest girl in the class, and if I remember correctly, she and Johnny Kimmel (1st grade’s best kickball
player) always ”talked” at recess on the other side of the brick wall. Ah, the perils of elementary school.
LYNN RICHTER: Now there are a few readers of this journal (Faith kids, you know who you are, and
you know that God loves you! ˆ ˆ) who actually know Lynn, but at this point, I seriously could not possibly
care less. Lynn, like Liana and I, was a member of the prestigious math nerd group called MathCounts, a
junior high math competition where we learn advanced algebra and Trig to try and top each other mentally.
A few of the hopeful engineers in this group probably find this funny, and it is. TAP TAP. Well, Lynn was
smart and was generally pretty nice to me. We had the same interests, and I kept the crush for a ridiculously
long time... something like three years, if I remember correctly. So, since I’m starved for affection wherever
I can find it, I take her casual politeness towards me, such as inviting our family to the Richter’s New Year’s
Eve party in 1999, as an interest in me. In a characteristic move of intensity, something I’m trying to wait
with now until the blossoming of an actual relationship, I started complimenting her, being ultra-polite, and
probably creeping her out. The minute I really fell long and hard for her was the first time I heard her play
Johann Pachelbel’s ”Canon In D,” which I of course learned immediately how to play. It was like a long-lost
melody that I knew I’d heard before, but just hearing the emotion with which she played it made me burn
with something I’d never felt before. Supposedly ineffable feelings of ”love” when my parents described their
personal experiences made me think that this, here, was it. Having that passion toward another person was
love. Ridiculously, I took us reading the same Reader’s Digest issue one time as some kind of cosmic fate
– after reading that article about how 911 phone lines are crowded obviously makes us soulmates. I like to
think that I’m very sensitive to feelings and caprices in general. Of course, I don’t have strange marks on
my body after touching others (Seymour), but emotions have always been something very special to me. It
was emotions that caused this relationship. I was so confused at the time that I just wanted to take solace
in one person and one person alone. Share everything I had with them. For God’s sake, I was in 8th grade;
48
not even had I discovered the comforts of reading or listening to really loud music. Lynn was too busy trying
to move from the nerdy girls table to Nissa Fisher’s table. This began my ”stealth geek” period, where I
started combing my hair differently and got contacts, forgetting the fact that I actually was a geek at heart.
Ignoring these impulses was one of the most dangerous courses of action I could take, and I now realize that.
An example of my ”passion,” which was basically obsession: I left an anonymous note (now realized to be
entirely creepy) in her locker one time. I didn’t know how to act. I still don’t, to some extent, but I’ve gotten
better. My parents weren’t on particularly good terms at the time, either, so I didn’t really have a model for
a proper relationship. Regardless, I kept these feelings bottled up inside forever. I didn’t have any friends
to talk about them with. So I hid them. Eventually, homecoming came for 9th grade. In a fit of brilliance,
I decided that I was going to ask Lynn to the football game and stupid Homecoming function. (I was at
Faith, so there was no dancing.) I got turned down. I didn’t know what to do. That feeling continues.
–
At this point, I’m going to post this entry, because I haven’t even gotten into Kate and Hilary yet, which
are the most recent. More tomorrow, I suppose, since I’m going to post my ”what’s going on, everybody?
I’m social blogging!” entry next.
1. mailto:[email protected]
2. http://pma.dreameternal.com/
lostheaven (2003-07-05 00:06:54)
”My parents weren¼t on particularly good terms at the time, either, so I didn¼t really have a model for a proper
relationship.” Gah! That is exactly how I feel about how I react with relationships. But you had the good fortune(I
use this term loosely) of having your parents split because they know they don¼t love eachother anymore.
ecredes (2003-07-05 00:49:10) ...
..i hope you¼re happy i wasted a portion of my night reading that crap about 1st grade crushes...expecting the
good stuff to be last...but the good ones arn¼t even there...i¼m disappointed...you realize i could¼ve been playing
minesweeper... i¼m not kidding either... then again maybe that¼s what you were going for...it is funnier
this way, right?
goldenburning (2003-07-09 11:18:39)
Huh. I¼ve tracked all the crushes I can remember from kindergarten before. Crazy. I didn¼t know anyone else did
that.
1.3.3
(2003-07-04 03:49)
Heh. I know I’m going to get a lot of flak from some of my not so geeky friends for such a long, ridiculous
post about first grade crushes. To this, I make my humble response: you’re reading a LiveJournal. Chances
are that you’re not cool in the way you think you are. You’re probably cool in my eyes but not in the eyes
of Joe Football. You all have idiosyncracies, too, so embrace mine and I’ll embrace yours. Fair enough?
So, I’ve spent the last few days completely idling as far as brainwaves go. I’ve read some beautiful poetry,
along with Wuthering Heights, Davey Sedaris, and a few others. Even though I’m just playing videogames or
talking with friends, I feel like I’m getting somewhere. Things feel like they’re moving in a positive direction
in every possible way. ”I’m so much better than I used to be.” Good ol’ Weakerthans. This is exactly what
summertime has always meant in all those nostalgic shows I’ve watched or poetry I’ve read. I think I’m
49
starting to understand. Getting eaten by mosquitos, being out on a lawn, shooting the basketball at 10:00
at night. Just not caring.
Oh, for all you [1]CU folks, I’m staying in Willard Hall next year, and I’ll be starting with 21 credits
thanks to some particularly good luck on AP tests. Thank god for graders who surely must fall asleep and
mark fives on all the tests they read, because I managed to get 5s on both the AP Literature and Composition and the AP United States History tests. A little description of exactly what happened, taken from my
thank-you letter to Ms. Taylor and Ms. Whaley:
Believe it or not, as I arrived home during the wee hours of July 1st after a little bit of vegging out in
front of the movie screen, the first thing on my mind was finding my little AP packet to call and check my
scores. While I sat debating whether it was worth waiting instead of paying $15 to hear my scores, my pointer
finger – unbeknownst to my mind, of course – was already dialing the hotline number. Instant gratification:
the American way.
As I sat on my bed, furiously entering credit card digits, AP numbers, and birthdates, I worried about
the tests that I took. Although I felt confident after both of them, a spectre of sorts came back to haunt me.
I suppose you could call it The Ghost of Rambling Essays Past. Visions of desultoriness danced through my
head as I harkened back to both the English Literature and the U.S. History tests. In horror, I realized that I
had ranted in a few of the free-response questions about whatever was in my mind at that moment. Actually,
you’re seeing a pretty indicative example of it as you read right now.
I’ll skip ahead, now, past the jumping on my bed and waking my mom up to tell her the news that those
seventy dollars she spent on the tests were actually worth it. Ineffably, I got 5s on both of them! Absolutely
thrilled and slightly worried about the competence of the test graders, I got online to check how many credits
I’d be going into CU with in the fall. Unbelievably, just these two tests added 12 credits to the previous 9
that I had been rewarded there.
So there ya go. I’m rather hoping to make up for the recent drought in entries by sheer volume, so my
deepest and most humble apologies. Again, more tomorrow. Our Independence Day today. How ironic that
we don’t have too much independence to celebrate right now.
1. http://www.colorado.edu/
(2003-07-04 10:01:27)
lakjdshfkl;jdsf FUCK YOU!!!!! DONT BRAG ABOUT GETTING 5¼S!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY DIDNT FALL ASLEEP ON
MINE! ASS!!!!! . sorry..
kevincarter (2003-07-07 01:37:25) Aw.
I¼m sorry, Jeremy! I agree with Adam¼s take on the whole situation, though. Oh, and I can get you a livejournal
username if you want. :-* -K
misskrist (2003-07-04 10:39:52) !!
Congrats, Kevin! Haven¼t gotten mine yet, but I am still hopeful. And good luck on Wuthering Heights. I can
imagine that it won¼t be as verbally congested for you as it was for me in Sophomore year. ;)
kevincarter (2003-07-07 01:38:28) Re: !!
Thanks, Kristina! I¼m certain that you will be ridiculously successful on the Lit test, particularly after listening to
your short story and reading one of your essays at some point. Good ol¼ Telnet games won¼t hurt ya, either. -K
50
bileograph (2003-07-04 22:22:39)
wow. 21 credits. In most places, that¼s a semester and a half head start. Way to be.
kevincarter (2003-07-07 01:44:11)
Thanks... any particular courses that you would recommend? I mean, being a creative writing major and all, I¼m
sure there are certain types of courses that you would avoid. Basically, what I¼m asking is should I take Brit Lit
classes? World Lit? What have you had good experiences with? While, of course, you don¼t attend CU, I¼d still
be terribly curious as to your opinion. -K
bileograph (2003-07-07 12:35:58) Re:
my strategy is mostly to get all my requirements taken care of - bachelor prerequisites, major prerequesites, that
sort of thing. I also take a lot of workshops- they¼re the most entertaining and I¼ve learned more off of those
than seminar classes. If you can get those, totally go for it. Research your professors as well- while most professors
have things published (a requirement for a full professorship in some places) some are actually fairly distinguished
professional writers. There¼s nothing I¼d say you should outright avoid- just know what your weaknesses are and
be light on those sort of classes.
lostheaven (2003-07-04 23:52:27) This is what I read.
<center>”My name is Kevin. I¼m a big brain. I don¼t have anything else in my body but brain. Look at me
get 5s on my AP tests! Praise me! Praise me now!” Nah, I¼m just kiddin¼ with ya. Rockin¼ Kevin! Way to go on
the 5s!
kevincarter (2003-07-07 01:39:19) Re: This is what I read.
Such a good post, and so accurate. I need to stop being so conceited. Honestly... it¼s a bad habit, and I need to
nip it in the bud. Thanks for the congrats, too! -K
ecredes (2003-07-05 01:05:07) :-*
gee...i wish i got 5¼s on my AP tests... oh wait...thats right...i didnt take them...i dont need AP tests to tell me
i¼m intelligent... however, if i did take them it would be for the sole purpose of rubbing it in everyones faces that i
got 5¼s...which i have to give you props for...not the fact that you got 5¼s...but the fact that you gloated so much
about it in your post... ”Thank god for graders who surely must fall asleep and mark fives on all the tests they read,
because I managed to get 5s on both the AP Literature and Composition and the AP United States History tests.” that i¼d have to say is the best part...so humble... This comment makes the best part even better... ”FUCK YOU!!!!!
DONT BRAG ABOUT GETTING 5¼S!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY DIDNT FALL ASLEEP ON MINE! ASS!!!!!” - i think the
use of ”ASS!!!!!” gives that comment a nice touch. the...”FUCK YOU!!!!!” is a nice opening.
kevincarter (2003-07-07 01:42:30) Re: :-*
Adam, this post makes me smile to no end. Just remember, as in our Taboo game (which you weren¼t at, so
it¼s not as funny): CARD READER: What people are who don¼t take AP Classes... EVERYONE ELSE: Stupid!
Thanks for the props, too. Oh, Jeremy¼s comment. TAP TAP. :) -K
1.3.4
A revelation. (2003-07-05 02:40)
As if The Magnetic Fields weren’t good enough for you before, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. May I refer you to
[1]Dallas Lynn’s Livejournal. Particularly to the Current Music portion on July 5, 2005 at 1:25 AM. I rest
my case!
1. http://www.livejournal.com/users/sisyphus
51
airik (2003-07-05 10:49:17) ....*regret*
I change my verdict from claiming that he Fields suck horribly....*laughs*...(if you dont get it dont ask) singularity(the
center point) of some songs (except for two that i dont rembmember the names of, that werent bad songs) make them
annoying, along with the endless repetitive non-music with most of the songs...so basically this post says Magnetic
Fields suck, except for two or three songs.
1.3.5
A Meditation on Keats’ ”Ode On Melancholy.” (2003-07-05 03:53)
This time, I will glut my sorrow
in a bowl with a grape stem inside,
picked so dry that
as I reach for that last taste,
its brittle branches crack.
I have attempted to burst one too many
against my palate, I suppose,
and the ache has me now.
Gazing into the book before me,
idyllic painting on the front farther
from this suburbia than I can imagine,
I wonder if he wished,
despite his warnings,
to plunge rebelliously into Lethe
or to languorously sip Wolf’s-bane rather than
Joy’s delightful wine. All too often,
I do.
John Keats
John Keats
John
please put your scarf on
and admit your weaknesses to me–
weaknesses to the cold and to
beauty and to life. Sage, make
me wise and become wise yourself.
lostheaven (2003-07-05 11:43:35) Kevin...
If this is because I was mean to you last night... then get over it. :-D If you¼re so gloomy, then talk to someone!
I¼m here! And you freaks stay up too late!
kevincarter (2003-07-05 12:02:46) Re: Kevin...
Jared, don¼t worry about it. You weren¼t mean to me last night at all. Trust me, I had a great time last night.
It¼s just that Monsieur Keats says that I have to embrace melancholy on those nights and write about something
beautiful. I¼ve been reading a lot of Billy Collins lately, and after reading his poem called ”Poetry” last night, I¼ve
resolved to write an awful lot more. As I¼ve recently realized, poetry ranges from elegiac to fanciful, so don¼t be
alarmed if I come off as gloomy. It¼s not a bad thing; it¼s just where creativity comes from. Here¼s what Ernest
Hemingway had to say about it, in his Nobel Prize speech: ”Writing, at its best, is a lonely life. Organizations for
52
writers palliate the writer¼s loneliness but I doubt if they improve his writing. He grows in public stature as he
sheds his loneliness and often his work deteriorates. For he does his work alone and if he is a good enough writer he
must face eternity, or the lack of it, each day.” Don¼t worry... I was just facing eternity. At least I wasn¼t listening
to Suicidal Tendencies. :) Oh, and I know I stay up way too late. I went to bed shortly after I finished the post,
though, if that makes it any better. -K
lostheaven (2003-07-06 00:49:54) Re: Kevin...
Even your replys to comments are lengthy. Good god, are you practicing to be a pro writer Kevin?
aivlis (2003-07-05 23:35:39) Kevin...
Hey. You know, I can guess what that poem was about. Sin and death, right? ...Right? The whole Faith thing has
messed with my head. But really...don¼t be sad. It¼ll be okay. ;) You should call.
kevincarter (2003-07-07 01:28:42) Re: Kevin...
You got it, Silvia. Sin and death. Oh, and I¼m not too sad, both as I told Jared and told you on the phone tonight.
Just feeling in a little bit of a pseudo-poetic mood. -K
wynand (2003-07-06 19:33:47)
Gasp, Seymour Glass lives
kevincarter (2003-07-07 01:27:03)
This is potentially the best comment I¼ve ever received on a livejournal. Thank you, John, for getting the reference,
and for the compliment, if that indeed was one! Oh, yeah, and are you planning on releasing a new issue of Word
Death any time soon? Very curious, because I¼d definitely like to contribute, if you¼d have me. -K
bileograph (2003-07-06 21:48:04)
HEY - would you be interested in a BKFIC on Tuesday morning - 12 AM EST? or in some places late Monday night?
kevincarter (2003-07-07 01:25:31) Damn.
Billy, I¼m incredibly interested in a BKFIC then, but unfortunately, I have a movie night planned with some friends
tomorrow night that¼s going to conflict with the event. Crap. I¼d absolutely love to participate sometime, though,
so if you¼re willing, I¼d love another invite. :) -K
1.3.6
A continuation... (2003-07-07 04:23)
Alternate title: ”The Good Stuff.” (Thanks to [ LJ User: ecredes ]for the title.)
KATE KLOCK: Oh, god. This one is certain to take a while, but it should, since it was a year
and a half of my romantic life. During my sophomore year, my first year of debate, Dennis Sauter (one of
my team’s duo interpers) met a girl named Kate. At a few tournaments, out of what probably amounted to
loneliness, horniness, and boredom, the two started making out. (See [ LJ User: bileograph ]’s startlingly
accurate [1]comment about the nature of some debate girls.) This sort of thing happens often at debate
tournaments. We’re all likeminded teenagers who are, for the most part, fairly intelligent and broadminded,
so there’s bound to be some ”hooking up” of sorts, if you’re dumb enough to call it that. Dennis and Kate
got along well, and Kate seemed like a very intelligent, very cute girl. Obviously, I was happy for Dennis
with that tiny hint of jealousy down deep inside of me common to most girlfriendless boys. She and I
occasionally exchanged a few words, and I remember once, for no particular reason, her jumping into my
arms to see if I could catch her. I could, and that bizarrely impressed her. They eventually ”broke up,” since
53
Kate’s boyfriend came back from New York. While I thought she was pretty damned cool for a while, my
opinion of the prospects of her and I together could be summarized in one word: whatever.
If only I could have continued that healthy train of thought.
The next year, at a tournament in the fall of 2001, Kate randomly approached me at a tournament,
asking if I was Kevin and if I remembered her. (Reasonable, since I had grown a beard since she knew me
via Dennis.) For some reason, I think the event was held at Lakewood High. Jeffco novice, maybe, but it
doesn’t matter, since no other Colorado debaters that I know of read this particular journal. Regardless,
she came over to the table and we started talking, basically for the rest of the tournament. We got on to
the topic of writing, and she acknowledged that she wrote short stories and assorted other things. Reading
her story, I realized that she seemed smart and interested in me. This was a fairly new concept for me to
accept. Here’s where I got hooked: she showed me a notebook she kept of old movie tickets, amazing old
drawings and scribblings by her friend, and the pages were tied together. It was so full, so bursting with
energy and passion, that she had to add extra pages to it to continue using it. This itself was probably
enough to skin me, but here’s the kicker. On one of the pages was an antique key that her grandma had
given to her, with the caption ”The Key To My Heart” written in cursive below it. Someone I had just met
was showing me some of the most intimate parts of her life, and I was spellbound. After finding out that
I wrote too, Kate commanded me (no, she really did, in that lilting voice that I now love to hate to love)
to bring my notebook the next tournament that she was going to, which would be in January. I agreed, of
course.
I may regret doing this, but here’s a poem that I wrote after seeing her for the first time. Okay, I
know this is one of my youthful indiscretions, but I’m placing it before you for all your eyes to see. Also,
she unknowingly and tacitly acted as my muse of sorts for a while. Most of my poetry from this period
isn’t actually too bad, but this particular piece wallows in sentimentality. It’s necessary to understanding
my feelings at this point, though, longing to see her face again and fearing that I might forget it in two
months. Here goes nothin’. Oh, wait. Before that, the poem I wrote about her as I was lost in a dream,
with this beautiful picture of her that I simply can’t describe at this point. Of course, I couldn’t settle for
the ineffable, and instead I tried a juvenile piece of prosaic blathering. God, though, I still adore that image.
She’s lost in a state of dreams, calmly laying her head upon a pillow
(A blurred vision of her grace)
Frame, frail and breathtaking
(Rain patters upon the dirty street)
Eyes half-closed, silent and beautiful
It seeps inside the deserted souls of those upon the sidewalk
Her face is silhoutted by her hair
(The midnight sky shines brighter than the sun)
Shades of dark earth, black and brown, weave through her soft hair; i touch it softly so as not to wake her.
(She walks through the intangible midnight scene in a black wedding dress, eyes blazing, the hem dragging
along the desecrated sidewalk. She’s floating.)
I don’t want either of us to wake
Well, there’s that one, copied out of my first notebook of poems, Desolate Comforts. A few of my
acquaintances that were members of the literati persecuted me for the poem, and I deserved it for the stale
descriptions and the original Radiohead style formatting that the poem was written in, but still. Oh, and
the second piece, written directly about seeing her.
You bared your soul to me today.
54
I was enchanted by hidden lovers’ names and closet prayers buried within your notebook.
Ani coos as I write: ”I like you, but I know you don’t know it.”
I want to feel the cool of your cheek in winter and unlock the deeper mysteries of you.
Heartfelt? Yes. Lame? Of course. I was literally breathless at some points at the thought of this
girl. My tendencies to idealize people flaring up? Oh, no, not at all.
Now this wasn’t fair at all (oh god, one of the phrases that I picked up from her, along with repeating the word ’good’ twice for no reason whatsoever), because it was November then, and the next
tournament she was going to be at was two months away. Fast-forward to the Evergreen tournament. A
Friday night tournament, we left straight from school. As we reached the tournament, I realized that I had
left my notebook at home. Horrified, I drafted a poem to her for her to read and agreed to bring it to her
the next time. Before the tournament, though, I managed to contact her. At this point, I think much of our
relationship can be gleaned from our e-mails back and forth to each other. At one point, she gave me her
phone number at a tournament, but Mike Carroll lost it, since Katie Tapia also put hers on there and Mike
was designated the keeper. Next time, she wrote her number on my arm, so I had ”no excuse.”
First e-mail I sent to her included [2]”To —-” by Keats. That’s how stricken I was. Not exactly intent on beating around the bush, I guess. In her response to me, she told me that she ”really liked the
poem” and also asked ”who is the ’bared your soul to me today notebook’ poem about??? (I promise I’m
not that egotistical, it just sounded plausible...)” By this point, February 6 of 2002, it had to be clear to
her that I had a little bit of a crush. From the beginning, she signed every e-mail with ”Love,” and I gladly
reciprocated, thinking that I was, without a doubt, in such a state.
Some of the e-mails between us speak for themselves, and I’ll let you read them if you’re really curious. But honestly, who would be? This post is more than you could ever possibly want to know. Anyway,
the sickening boyfriend/girlfriend stuff ran rampant. ”I missed you most,” ”I missed you beyond the power
of human comprehension,” and others typically ended our e-mails to each other. Reading through these
e-mails now is truly sickening, although out of some masochistic streak, I saved them all. (Just to spite her,
though, they’re in that Kate E-mail folder of my deleted items basket.) ”All my love,” ”My eternal love,”
and other such endings started popping their heads into these e-mails.
Examples of her blatant advances:
• ”Oh, darling... you need to live closer. You know, if by some odd twist of fate we end up in the same
college we’ll never actually be alone in our dorm rooms right?”
• I think that was the most beautiful poem that I have ever heard in my life! You are absolutely
incredible! Thank you sooooo much... that meant more to me than dozens of any flower could. I love
you so much darling.... hopefully this hellish week will be done soon and I can speak to you for as long
as I wish, until then,
• You have such a magnificent sense of humor, darling. I’ve missed you so. Now that both of us have
more time and licenses, it should (theoretically) be much easier to get together. Something we need to
try out soon.
You get the picture. At one point, the ”undying professions of love,” as she called them, stopped, because
she didn’t ”want to feel like [she] was being unfaithful to Jake in any way.” Oh, there’s that problem that I
55
haven’t mentioned yet.
A posting of August 20, 2002 might explain the Jake situation better than I could now. ”This current crush is Kate. She lives about 20 minutes away from me. She’s beautiful, brilliant, a writer, and
I’ve come to idealize her as the perfect human being. But she has a boyfriend. An unfaithful boyfriend.
A supposedly reformed drug dealer who has just been caught again boyfriend. An ”I’m going to make a
complete life-shift” boyfriend. It’s my theory that a relationship doesn’t exist without things like trust and
fidelity, but that lovely creature doesn’t seem to agree with me right now. Well, she did a few days ago
when she announced her plan to dump him, but he was able to change her mind with some puppy eyes and
feigned repentance. Damn him.” Terrible. She continued leading me on. The professions of love continued,
even though she said she wouldn’t, and things started moving again. I was absolutely discombobulated.
Honestly. How could this girl’s head, which I thought was so brilliant, be so convoluted? She just couldn’t
decide whether she wanted me in her life or not. Eventually, I sent her [3]this e-mail and got a response
that said she was glad we cleared the air (on the phone) and was scared that she was going to lose me
permanently. So we kept on, meeting for coffee, going to Steel Magnolias, the Pomona play, together, and
generally doing things that ought to have made us boyfriend and girlfriend but didn’t. It was horrible, really,
that incessant longing. We talked on the phone around five times a week, and I was completely frustrated.
In December, she broke up with Jake. Here was my chance. She invited me to her New Year’s
Party, and I thought my first kiss might come at midnight that night. Expectantly, I prepared to go over,
and came in to see her gorgeous per usual. We sat and played a game for a while, as I was introduced to
her friends, some that I knew and some that I didn’t. At one point in the game, the doorbell rang, and she
kissed the boy who entered. I don’t even remember his name. I don’t really care to. She hadn’t told me a
thing, and she invited me to that goddamn party regardless, once more leading me on. Later that night,
after plenty of making out with him at midnight (unabashedly in front of me) she fucked him. She didn’t
have sex with him or make love to him. They went into a room and came out a half hour later, shameless.
I was furious, and I should have been. In a passive-aggressive mood, I pouted until she asked me what was
wrong, and she turned up her flirting and charm for me. I kept coming back, that puppy dog kicked a
thousand times that returns to lick its owner’s foot. Sad.
I’ll fast-forward to the end. After more of this, I was tired of it. Here’s the e-mail I sent, infuriated
more than I probably ever have been. This had been after about five e-mails saying I was confused about
how things gone, so please don’t think I’m a horrible, horrible person for sending this. Trust me, I tried.
I’m not sure if we’re still on [ed. for coffee] or not. I might have a rehearsal for one acts. Or, I
might just have realized after coming home from Prom tonight that, as you said, I should focus on the ”world
of other girls out there who want nothing more than to make [me] happy.” You can’t control this relationship
anymore. You can’t take advantage of my feelings for you anymore. You can’t use me whenever one of your
relationships that I advise you against go sour and you need a shoulder to cry on. You can’t suddenly start
e-mailing me again and acting like you want something more when you get a little hint of jealousy after
seeing me with another girl and then completely reverse your advances with a Dear John letter. You can’t
take and take and take and not expect to give one bit. You can’t.
I saw something in you that I mistakenly thought was different. But apparently, it wasn’t. You’re
just as confused as everyone else, but you won’t admit it. If you ”love” Jake after the shit he’s put you
through, you’re not worth my time anymore.
I’ve said this before, but this time, I really mean it. I don’t really want to talk to you, or e-mail
you, or see you for a while. I’m mad. I really am. Because you’ll act apologetic and pretend again that
there’s a chance of something happening, when we both know it’s not going to. I mean, you need me as that
56
sensitive boy you can talk to instead of that drug-filled cheating lying failure bastard you want to fuck. I’m
not going to listen to you fucking Chris while I wait in the living room anymore. No, no. I’m not mad; I’m
furious. You’ve manipulated me into being ”your Kevin,” and you’ve generally hurt me a whole lot. You say
you don’t want the phone calls to stop. Well, that’s good, because since you saw me with Hilary, it’s been
*you* who’s initiated those. It’s over, and I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to see it. And I hope you’re
happy now. No calls, no e-mails, no visits. No.
I needed to get over her at this point. It was a necessity.
harsh, but it need to be said. Here’s the nasty piece I got back:
I was harsh, and maybe even overly
Kevin
1. I have not attempted to ”control this relationship”. The last that I was informed, there was no ”relationship”, there was a friendship.
2. ”No one can take advantage of you without your permission” - Ann Landers
3. Shoulder to cry on? No. Objective opinion giver? I had hoped so.
4. I was happy to see you with Hilary. We’d been emailing before that. I called because we had run into one
another, not due to any sort of jealousy. Wishful thinking.
5. ”Take and take and take and not expect to give one bit”? What was I taking and what did you want? Did
I take up too much of your time? If so, I’m sorry, but I didn’t realize it was at such a premium. If there
was anything else I was ”taking” I’d like to know what it was.
6. I know I’m confused. Confused about myself, confused about the future, confused about life. Never
pretended I wasn’t. I ”bared my soul to you that day in my notebook” if you didn’t see the shortcomings that
were revealed to you there along with the rest of it, there is nothing I can do about it.
7. Do I love Jake? Yes. Passionately. He and I have a connection that goes way beyond the reaches of the
rational mind. If that means I’m not good enough for you, perhaps you’re right. Or perhaps you are in no
position to judge.
8. I’ve never pretended that there is a chance. I’ve told you before that we ”weren’t meant to be”. I’ve told
you before that ”I just don’t see anything happening between us” I’ve told you that ”I love you as a friendbut not in a romantic sense”. You were the one clinging to the illusion that there was something blossoming
that was never there to begin with.
9. I’m sorry, did you want meaningless sex? You always gave me the impression that you were above that.
If you had told me that you wanted a good fuck, no strings attached, you know I would’ve agreed. That’s
the kind of whore I am right? But somehow I had you pinned as the kind of guy who would have been upset
to discover that the connection called ”Making love” is only a few inches deep, and only lasts a few fleeting
minutes if the feelings backing it up aren’t genuine. Did you want a fling? Fine. But I can’t give you my
heart. I can’t give you a relationship. And I never hid that.
10. I never manipulated you into being ”my Kevin” you saw an opening and dove for it. Did you want me
to infer from the very beginning that you wanted more and refuse to ever have contact with you again lest
you allow your analytical mind and romantic heart to paint you half a picture that would only come crashing
down when you found it didn’t mesh with reality?
I always thought that I could count on you to be my friend, and to be there for me. If that is too
much to ask from a friend, I guess we never were. I always have been and always will be here for you. Am
I in love with you? No. But do I care about you? Absolutely. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. If you’ve
never had the life experiences to figure out the difference there and to know the difference between speaking
with someone and being led on, I can’t help you. Maybe at this point, no one can. Ahh, the dramatic, morose
poet. Maybe you just want to make yourself miserable, and use that misery as your Muse. If so, I’m not
here to be the scapegoat. I care about you, Kevin. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to lead you on.
I want to be your fucking friend! That’s it. That is the point I’ve been making for over a year. Deal with it.
Should you renounce your decision to sever all contact between us, you know how to reach me. If not, know
57
that it was yourself, not I who ended what could have been a promising friendship well into the future.
Ouch. Much light has thankfully been made of this vitriol since I received it. Mad, mad props to [
LJ User: lostheaven ], [ LJ User: inamoment ], and [ LJ User: airik ] who helped coin the term ”fucking
friend.” Tell me what you think of why I was in this relationship and how I might avoid such relationships
in the future in the little post comment section, if you’d like.
I’m over her. I know I’ve been over her for a long time, but I’m over her, and it felt great putting
this down, regardless if anyone reads it or not. Here’s some of the good stuff, but you’ll have to wait until
next time to get the Hilary situation and the most recent developments surrounding my romantic life.
Thanks for reading this, and I’ll probably get back to ”I went and did stuff tonight, and it was fun!” posts
in a little while. Off to write e-mails!
1. http://www.livejournal.com/users/kevincarter/5408.html?thread=38688#t38688
2. http://www.4literature.net/John_Keats/To__Time_s_sea_hath_been_five_years_a/
3. http://www.livejournal.com/users/lastnightstears/4546.html
like fire (2003-07-07 08:29:21)
having been one myself, it¼s true what was said about debate girls. as for the relationship, i¼ve been on both sides
of a relationship like the one you were in and i still don¼t know how to avoid them. the inactive cynic in me says to
have very little faith in people...but i still do.
arundel (2003-07-07 09:32:01)
I rather like these kinds of posts by you. Though it was a bit long I found this all to be very interesting. I can most
definitely empathize with you on that Kate thing.
purpledotpower (2003-07-07 13:23:55)
I feel sort of silly posting in your journal, especially while reading your journal I have found that you have a very
impressive vocabulary, which I don¼t have. I write in words that I can understand. So, lower yourself to read this.
*Blush* I have a hard time reading this entry, because I am sort of like the girl you mentioned. I tend to take
advantage of my male friends, and look at them sort of like they¼ll always be there. I go to them when I need them,
and when I¼m happy with someone else, I cast them aside. The only advice I can give to you, is to just be capable
of saying ”No” to someone¼s face. I¼m not sure if you can already do this, but a lot of guys I know have a really
hard time doing this. Whether I do it on purpose or not, it is my habbit to, even though I know a person doesn¼t
like what I¼m doing, and I know it may be hurting them, generally if they can¼t stick up for themselves, I keep
doing it. It¼s not necessarily a good thing, but I guess if people can¼t stick up for themselves, sub consciously in
my head, I guess I feel that they deserve it. That¼s probably not a good thing to do, but it¼s what I do. So, if
you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, make sure you say something about it right away, and not wait for
everything to build up to the point where feelings could get hurt.
zombie bites (2003-07-07 19:51:09)
you¼ve been burned before. i think now you know the signs to avoid it again...the only question is: will you listen to
that little voice inside your head that says ”i know where this is going?” it took me twice to finally figure out ”wait,
there¼s more than this perfect girl i¼m looking at in this would-be relationship.” once you make that logical leap,
it¼s all over. it¼s that whole ”relationship as a two-way street” thing. good luck on not getting burned in the future.
sure, it¼ll probably happen, but hopefully not like this.
58
1.3.7
CU Orientation (2003-07-10 19:56)
Here I sit, exhausted, after an awfully long and fairly boring day up in Boulder at the University of Colorado’s
orientation session. Right now, I’m at the coffeehouse up here while sororities are rounding up girls, cliques
are forming, and I’m generally reminded of middle school. For god’s sake, it’s not like I’m antisocial exactly.
Furthermore, I acknowledge I’m not the most fun guy in the world. But for god’s sake, aren’t there people
like me up here?
Okay, I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. (So can I have a volunteer? ) Actually, I’m seriously
pumped as far as course selection goes, because I’ll be taking amazing classes like ”Literary Criticism” and
”Intro to Modern Western Philosophy” and ”Anthropology” and all kinds of wonderful stuff! To tell you the
truth, I’m ready to get up here and start cramming for exams and writing papers and LEARNING something. Right now, I feel like I’m out of summer braindead mode and actually interested in doing something
with my life. Okay, so there have been some cool people up here, but I haven’t really gotten to know anyone
yet. I wish someone was even here, like Nick or Andrew, but they unfortunately chose the wrong orientation
date.
This post is probably caused by exhaustion, since I got four hours of sleep and still came up to Boulder
today. Stupid non-required orientation sheet that I thought was required. Regardless, hope everyone’s having a good time tonight, and I’ll talk to you soon. Y’know, I’m almost expecting some cretin from Pomona
to pop up behind my back as I type this. It’s like I’ve started my academic career over, except with real
classes and culture behind everything. Although I must say that I’m excited to get up on the Hill so I can
experience some of it. For now, though, since it’s 9 o’clock and not pathetic at all, I might just get some
sleep before I have to get up tomorrow and do it all over again. There’s still a chance, of course, that I’ll
meet some interesting people tomorrow.
ex turbulenc506 (2003-07-10 22:43:48)
I¼m sure that you¼ll find people who have something in common with you. Similar people are probably attracted
to those interesting-sounding courses you signed up for. In any case, may the force be with you. Good luck!
ecredes (2003-07-10 22:58:56) ..
good cliche..
1.3.8
Embracing the molehill... (2003-07-12 03:19)
Second day of orientation was vastly superior. Found some people to hang out with that were really cool,
including one girl that reminded me of Kate a whole lot. Bizarre how that works. It was almost scary, in
a way. The longish brown hair that’s slightly curly, green eyes, same mannerisms, same types of bizarre
speaking quirks, suburban punk tendencies, occasional spiky piece of jewelry, etc. She was kinda fun to
hang out with, but I just wasn’t that interested in her. Felt like I was past that point in my life. More
than anything, it convinced me that I’m completely over that relationship, and this was after meeting a nice
version of her. So, hung out with her and another guy for a few hours, since we had basically the same
schedule.
Oh, I finally got turned onto [1]1190, which is the radio station up at CU. Absolutely great indie-type
stuff. Excited to get up there and start listening regularly, although I found out I can actually hear it from
my house. For some reason, I never thought I could before. Oh, as I might have mentioned last night (not
sure what I mentioned to different people), I decided to do a re-read of Catcher in the Rye, which I try to
59
read every few months. For god’s sake, it takes about a day, and it’s really a brilliant piece of work. Anyway,
I had admittedly two different reasons for reading the novel, that I think I mentioned on a comment in [ LJ
User: teralynn ]’s journal. I feel like I’m repeating myself, but I actually want to put it on this particular
livejournal. First, the reason I mentioned initially. It’s a beautiful work, one of Salinger’s best, and it’s only
200 pages. I mean, I’m kinda going through a coming of age process anyway, so why not have a coming of
age novel along with me? Thought that was a decent idea.
Reason two: causing Salinger lovers to gravitate towards me. People who love Salinger are usually my
type. Slightly bookish, rebellious, non-conformists with a tendency towards associating with the literati of
the world. Values sets are also an element in the process. Usually, people who read Salinger appreciate
intelligence (Seymour Glass, anyone?), the sanctity of childhood (Teddy), and hating phoniness in the world
(the more obvious character). Unabashedly, I read the book with the fairly unmistakable cover to make
friends, and it seemed to work.
Ended up casually talking to a really interesting girl while we were waiting to register named Jesika. At
first, I entered into the conversation from a chair near the core of it with a few little sarcastic comments
in. Later, she made a comment about really enjoying Salinger’s work, even having read Franny and Zooey
along with Raise High the Roofbeam. Away from my germinal group, which had dissipated due to differences
in registration times, I made an actual effort to get to know her. While we were supposed to be filling out
our pre-registration forms with course numbers and stuff, we started a casual conversation about literature.
Already having the Salinger connection, I noticed her copy of Gatsby and found out it was her second time
through. (A definite plus, of course.) Brought up the ubiquitous ”Gatsby old chap” portion of Catcher, which
sparked a general literary discussion. Not sure why I’m talking so much about what seemed like such a short
period of the orientation process, but I’ll be perfectly honest that she was brilliant, cute, and generally lifted
my spirits. Somehow, I feel kinda strange about writing this in my journal, but then I remember... that’s
what it is, for chrissake. A journal. Cracks in the mask are starting to dilate, ostensibly. What the hell’s
the point of writing this stuff down for your friends to read if you hide this stuff?
Back to Jesika. Looking for someone with fairly similar interests for two days had largely failed until I
met her. We were really on the same wavelength, incredibly. Wanting to read the same books, interested
in the same authors, both with very similar worldviews. Fascinated by Steinbeck, infuriated by Ayn Rand,
jealous of people who have more reading time than we do. Connected on a lot of different levels. Probably,
again, only talked for 20 minutes, but I got her e-mail address and everything to keep in touch. Quite an
experience, really. Glad to be back home, though, in my own bed tonight. More interesting stories tomorrow
after I come home that had to do with orientation. Oh, yeah, and Hilary/current love life stories coming
soon!
1. http://www.colorado.edu/StudentGroups/KVCU/
teralynn (2003-07-12 10:02:37)
Are you really infuriated by Ayn Rand? I¼ve never met anyone that has read & dislikes her...Do you just disagree
with her or do you hate that she has created a shrine of material crap supporting her genius? The shrine of crap is
somewhat irritating to me. Also, her theories and philosophy get repetitive if you read enough of her work, but I still
think that she is brilliant. I feel obligated to respect her for even the ideas I disagree with because there are so few
writers that are adamant about any sort of philosophy whatsoever. Anyway, I¼d like to know what you think of her.
vivianblank (2003-07-12 19:23:41)
I once wrote a paper comparing Holden to Hamlet. Proved to be a curious angle.
60
plastichope (2003-07-12 23:21:42)
oh, cool radio station. i¼m listening to it now. :) i¼m so glad i read ”the catcher in the rye”. it¼s one of the best
novels. ever. i did a book report on it and aced it. yay.
1.3.9
(2003-07-12 12:00)
CU - Fall Freshman Semester 2003
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
7:30
8:00
Spanish 1020: Beginning Spanish 2
Spanish
1020: Beginning Spanish 2
8:30
9:00
Linguistics 1500: Basic Traditional Grammar
9:30
10:00
English 2000: Literary Analysis
English 2000: Literary Analysis
English 2000: Literary
Analysis
10:30
11:00
11:30
12:00
12:30
1:00
1:30
2:00
Math 1011: Fundamentals and Techniques of College
Algebra
Math 1011: Fundamentals and Techniques of College
Algebra
2:30
3:00
This schedule was generated using bitman’s
[1]Schedule Builder.
1. http://bitman.freeshell.org/schedulebuilder.php
thedexter (2003-07-12 11:39:57)
good lord. take a real schedule. i¼m signed up for 19 credits. that can¼t be a very high-level math class, either.
61
kevincarter (2003-07-12 14:44:39) Re:
Yeah, I tried, but classes were so picked over that the most I could register for was 14 hours. Trust me. They were out
of any classes I could take in philosophy, US History, Euro History, Theater, Music, and anything. It was horrible.
They base everything on seniority, and I¼ve already got 18 hours of credit, so I¼m not concerned. It¼s not a high
level math class, but it¼s the one I have to take to fulfill my quantitative reasoning requirement. If I could have
taken more classes, I would have. -K
thedexter (2003-07-12 15:12:00) Re:
okay. so long as you have an excuse you are forgiven.
dive (2003-07-12 19:11:54) aie!
spanish = my own personal mental breakdown. my brain doesn¼t do foreign languages well. at all. infact, me and
foreign language don¼t get along in the slightest. bah humbug, i say. -danielout
wulfmadchen (2003-07-12 20:34:00)
Yah, Fourteen hours was about the best I could do for the same reason. My classes enclude a cattle-call biology 1101
class with lab, elementary music theory (because my lovely high school wasn¼t kind enough to let me independentstudy AP theory), honors intro to psych, and honors precalculus. Luckilly, one of the perks of being an honors kid
is that after this semester, the three hundred or so of us get registration priority over *everyone else* at the school.
Hello Japanese 1101 (while all of you smoke me in alot of other areas, particularly anything having to do with those
pesky maths, I will be the hated dork here and say that my language-aquisition skills are first-rate)!>:)
altamira16 (2003-07-23 15:02:13) haha
poor freshmen and their 8am classes.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 15:17:37) Re: haha
This simply isn¼t a laughing matter. Good lord, how am I seriously going to get out of bed everyday, M-F, for a
Spanish class? More importantly, am I really going to have to go every single one of those days to receive an A in
that class? God, I hope not. Any suggestions on how the hell I¼m going to get myself out of bed? -K
designingdreams (2003-07-24 08:21:22)
I found you in the CU community. I hope its ok that I add you.
1.3.10
A somewhat literary post, but not a list of books. (2003-07-13 02:28)
At this point, I might as well convert this particular enclave of the web into a deadjournal, because it’s
getting angsty as the average emo kid’s. Oh well. That’s kinda the state I’m in right now, I guess. Finished
another re-read of Catcher in the Rye tonight. Something people in The Group might appreciate that Holden
says:
”She can do that. She can turn her back on you when she feels like it. ”I’m not going anywhere. I
changed my mind. So stop crying and shut up,” I said. The funny part was, she wasn’t even crying
when I said that. I said it anyway, though.” (emphasis mine)
About the only thing that’s missing is the tap tap. See, the book was published in 1951. That’s the
funny part. Of course, it impacted me, as it always does. Your favorite novel of all time really should do
that to you, shouldn’t it? For me, it’s just like the museum for Holden. ”The best thing, though, in that
museum was that everything always stayed right where it was. Nobody’d move... Nobody’d be different.
62
The only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you’d be so much older or anything. It
wouldn’t be that, exactly. You’d just be different, that’s all. You’d have an overcoat on this time.” Right
now, sometimes, I’m afraid that like Holden, I’ve been lambasting conformists and phonies while becoming
one myself to a certain extent. Building everything I am upon other people’s opinions of me. Which really
reminds me of a Dorothy Parker poem, whose collected poems are currently acting as my respite. (Props to
those who recognized that this was the [1]dictionary.com word of the day today.) Without further ado, the
verse, from her ”Indian Summer:”
In youth, it was a way I had
To do my best to please,
And change, with every passing lad,
To suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know,
And do the things I do;
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you!
One more, from Dorothy.
”Comment”
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song
A medley of extemporanea
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania
God, she’s an amazing writer. I need to read some H.L. Mencken alongside Parker. As always, so much to
read, so much to write, so much to experience. That’s what part of this livejournal project has been for
me, I suppose. Trying to write this stuff down. Flesh it out. Make it tactile, palpable, permanent. These
feelings. Tonight, before I go to sleep, I want to read more Parker and finish Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse.
Also, I want to e-mail the aforementioned girl from CU orientation that I have a huge crush on, as well as
drafting a letter to my roommate, whom I have yet to contact. Along with that, I’ll probably be listening
to the Magnetic Fields. If anyone has any other indieish recommendations as far as music goes, they would
be highly appreciated. My problem with 1190 that I wrote about in the last post is that I never know any
of the songs. I like to know at least a few when I’m listening, even to sing along. That’s one of the things I
really want to do over the course of the next five years. I want to start making music in many ways, whether
it’s writing or singing or living. Getting past this dreariness.
1. http://www.dictionary.com/
1.3.11
(2003-07-13 03:24)
Well, Minesweeper got the better of me tonight, but I still want to try to make it through Steppenwolf. Just
ordered a rockin’ Velvet Underground shirt that has ”White Light/White Heat” on it with the gleaming faces
of that seminal album. Beautiful, and I can’t wait to wear it. Soon, I want to start making my own t-shirts
with poetry or band names or something that actually indicates who I am as a person on it.
I would just like to reiterate how wonderful the song ”I Don’t Wanna Get Over You” by Stephin Merritt is. Honestly, it changed the way I thought about the way I’ve handled relationships over the last month.
63
Particularly one line that I’ll let you search through in the burned copies that I made for people who wanted
them. Hint: the first word of the phrase is ”somebody.” That epoch, I suppose, is at an end. Not that big of
a deal at all, though. Realizing that pre-collegiate relationships aren’t a fucking prerequisite for ENG2010.
Oh, Andrew, I need to get around to burning you the new Radiohead too. Remind me of that somehow.
Wish me luck in my literary exploits.
dive (2003-07-13 10:14:16) radiohead
new radiohead album is mighty fantastic. mighty. so fantastic, don¼t you think it¼s worth not pirating? okay,
maybe that¼s just me. just my toosense, mate. the real reason for this comment (as if it required one, seeing as
lj comments seem to be as much a free and pointless medium and lj itself) is me inquiring how you would plan on
making your own tshirts, if you would do so. or was that just some passing fancy that happened to scramble its way
by the realism blocks (which, if you have, i¼d like to purchase. mine have gone missing) in your brain and down
clicky-clickity to the keyboard? just curious, you know. sorry to bother, amigo. -diveout
kevincarter (2003-07-13 13:18:28) Re: radiohead
The new Radiohead is, indeed, great, and I bought it myself for just Stanley Donwood¼s art, even though I could
have easily pirated it online. It¼s blindingly gorgeous at some points, and sometimes regardless of copyright protection, I want to share that with people I care about. Hopefully, they¼ll get the picture, and go and buy The Bends,
OK Computer, Kid A, Amnesiac, and Pablo Honey, hopefully in that order, shortly followed by the singles. :) Oh,
and the shirt thing. Hopefully, I can find a permanent pen that will actually write on t-shirts. If not, I¼ll have to
get iron-on things. -K
lostheaven (2003-07-13 11:34:27)
Stephin Merritt... Just say Magnetic Fields. No one likes them. DL is just trying to trick you, he doesn¼t actually
like them.
kevincarter (2003-07-13 12:17:56) Re:
Tricksy Dallas Lynnses. Stephin has so many projects that I¼m almost preferring lately to call them Stephin Merritt
songs, since he writes all of them, rather than Magnetic Fields songs. Oh, and I hear some people secretly
like ¼em, Jared. :-*
lostheaven (2003-07-13 13:07:06)
I DON¼T LIKE THEM KEVIN! I use them to wake up to... My CD player goes off and plays that first magnetic
field song and I have to get up to turn it off because it suxors. :-*
kevincarter (2003-07-13 13:16:06) Re:
Likely story. Besides, The Death of Ferdinand de Saussure is sheer brilliance, and you know it. Honestly, that mix
CD is godly, and you better listen to it like four times a day. Plus, with your stealth fanboyness, I know you can¼t
admit to liking them on Livejournal, so I¼ll keep it quiet. Whoops! Did I just spill the beans? Think so. :-* -K
airik (2003-07-13 17:43:41) Hobbylobby...
thats where you will find the pen of writing on shirts..
1.3.12
(2003-07-17 11:16)
Been back from the mountains in an absolute whirlwind. I’ll post later about that, the concert, and recent
thoughts, but off to CU with my dad for a quick guided tour of the campus.
64
pipster uwyo (2003-07-19 22:21:29) Ha Ha Ha
Definitely not long enough...
1.3.13
(2003-07-18 03:26)
Reading Billy Collins always has this warm effect on me. Not at all like reading Dorothy Parker, who indulges
my cynicism in her ”hymns of hate.” Calmer, more comforting. Do I like it as well? Right now I do.
Anyway, came back from my friend Beau’s grandpa’s cabin up near Fairplay with my movie club. Watched
The Royal Tennenbaums, Rushmore, American Beauty, and High Fidelity. I’d seen all of them before, of
course, as is quite common at movie club, but it was great to get a refresher course in the movies. Particularly American Beauty. Also played some obligatory games of Halo and read a few books, including What
Should I Do With My Life by Po Bronson, graciously lent to me by [1]Brandon. Fascinating book. Bronson
went off on tirades about himself far too often and didn’t analyze the career choices of others enough. The
repercussions of each individual that he wrote about, I felt, were undercovered to an extreme. He had some
great stuff to say, though. Actually, as his website [2]indicates, he’s coming to the LoDo Tattered Cover on
July 29th at 7:30. Any other fans are definitely welcome to come down with me.
So, the cabin gave me some time to reflect on things. Realized a lot about myself, lately. Some people
might think that my quest to find someone to really care about this summer is futile. Perhaps you’re right.
But it’s something that I feel like I really want to do. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been
obsessed with romance. What to do, who to do it with, what to say. Even reading horrifically terrible
Matt Christopher sports novels. For instance, the god awful [3]Return of the Home Run Kid. I ate it up,
just because it had the ever-lovable (right) protagonist holding hands with a girl as they walked down the
street. Probably read that part of the story fifteen times. Constantly, I’m looking at other people’s personal
experiences with relationships. Rarely, if ever, do I get tired of talking with people about them. Call me a
sucker for real life drama, because I am. Let’s call a spade a shovel. (One of my favorite new sayings. Of
course, I forgot where I found it.)
Elvis Costello rocked the house. CityLights Pavillion (which they call the Universal Lending Pavillion
these days) isn’t the best venue in town or anything, but it was still a fantastic show. Costello played this
mindblowing version of ”Watching the Detectives” that got jazzy and bluesy all at once. If at all you can ever
see him live, I would strongly, strongly recommend it. Oh, going to take a test for the open page positions at
College Hill Library and crossing my fingers. Very interested in the job, as I adore even the smell of books,
so hope things go well for me.
Sorry about the unorganized state of this entry, but I wanted to at least get one off.
2. http://pobronson.com/Tour_Appearances.htm
3. http://www.twbookmark.com/books/9/0316142735/
keepmecompany (2003-07-18 06:37:02)
I like got billy collin¼s book ”nine horses” i like ”night letter to the reader” but the other poems in that book just
don¼t seem to do it for me. bleh, guess i am more of a slam poetry type of boy. have you ever heard of judy grahn?
you might like it, she wrote a poem called ”a woman is talking to death” and another one called ”i have come to claim
the body of marilyn monroe”.
65
dedalus (2003-07-18 08:36:50)
elvis costello is god! (or some approximation thereof)
you listed 4 of my favorite movies...
plastichope (2003-07-19 00:51:40)
The Royal Tennenbaums, Rushmore, American Beauty, and High Fidelity all favourite movies of mine. good
choices. :)
pipster uwyo (2003-07-19 22:14:13) Mr. Irony...
You know, Kevin, I just don¼t think that this post is quite long enough.
1.3.14
(2003-07-20 03:52)
He ate and drank the precious words,
His spirit grew robust;
He knew no more that he was poor,
Nor that his frame was dust.
He danced along the dingy days,
And this bequest of wings
Was but a book. What liberty
A loosened spirit brings!
–Emily Dickinson
1.3.15
(2003-07-20 18:34)
List of books I still want to read by the time summer ends. Each entry will be, in [ LJ User: casey ] fashion,
crossed out as I finish them. Of course, I’m destined to add more books to this list, but here it is for now.
Of course I’m over-ambitious and probably won’t get to most of these, but I at least want to start something
of this nature.
Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse (finished 07/31)
Selected Poems by Emily Dickinson
The Western Canon by Harold Bloom
Choke by Chuck Palahniuk
100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Plague by Albert Camus
No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre (finished 08/01)
Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
Iliad by Homer
A Delicate Balance by Edward Albee (finished 07/21)
Selected Poems by Theodore Roethke
Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller (finished 07/24) At least parts of: A la recherce du temps perdu
by Marcel Proust Ulysses by James Joyce The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov
Moby Dick by Herman Melville Complete Poems by John Donne
66
casey (2003-07-20 20:55:34)
I don¼t know if you had any planned order, but Death of a Salesman is by no means a difficult read and
you could probably do that in the course of a couple sittings. It¼s not half bad, either.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 13:56:23) Cool.
As we speak, I¼m just beginning the second act of Death of a Salesman, which I¼m thoroughly enjoying. For me,
it seems to be less autobiographical than The Crucible was and much less self-aggrandizing. Reminds me
ever so slightly of a few of Steinbeck¼s works, too. :) -K
wulfmadchen (2003-07-20 20:57:58)
I can save you the effort of reading the Iliad, altogether: ”Soandso stabbed Thusandsuch in x place with y weapon
(where y is, 9 times out of 10, a spear), killed him and confiscated his armor.” Repeat ad nauseum. Helen of Troy, and
her parallel godly figure Aphrodite, are generally useless and bitchy, recieve minor wounds, and whine like children.
The gods observe all the goings on like kids watching hamsters on a wheel, and occasionally throw their two drachma
into any given conversation or situation. There. I read this in seventh grade, and despized it, which is pretty harsh
criticism for a girl who is fascinated to such a ghastly degree with archetypal epic literatute (I¼m working on the
MAbinogion as I speak) As for John Donne, good choice. His Complete Poems is a staple in my If-I-werestranded-on-a-desert-island-it-sure-as-hell-better-be-with -these-books list. I love him to death because he managed
to strike the *perfect* balance between romance and intellectualism like no one else could or can.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 13:58:37) Eek.
Not exactly looking forward to reading the Iliad, but Stanley Lombardo made the testosterone-filled Odyssey fascinating, lyrical, and somehow romantic. Hopefully he can do the same with The Iliad. Really, though, I feel like
reading it is going to be necessary to catch future allusions in my reading. It¼s really a pretty essential part of the
western literary tradition, so I¼m still excited to delve into it. Can¼t wait to start on Donne, either, but I have
about four books going. Wish I could read just one at a time, but it never seems to work out. -K
the chuck (2003-07-20 22:02:26)
sweet christ, you want to read DALLOWAY voluntarily? i had to read that and THE HOURS for school last year,
and it was painful. i fell asleep many times while reading it. THE HOURS was much better. i can¼t compare it to
the movie since i haven¼t seen it. yeah. if you¼re looking for other hesse books, go for SIDDHARTHA. (have you
read it already?) it was fantastic.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:01:03)
When we were doing pre-tests for my AP English class in May, we had an excerpt from Mrs. Dalloway in some of
the practice material. Being the litgeek I am, I absolutely adored the passage and wanted to read more. Oh, and
my English teacher recommended The Hours about as wholeheartedly as she possibly could, and I really
respect her opinions, so I¼m going to go ahead with it. Siddhartha changed my entire line of thinking with
regard to religion. Beautifully written, sparse, yet lyrical. Oh, I love it! -K
pavlovsbelle (2003-07-21 00:08:16)
And I HIGHLY recommend Steppenwolf atleast...it¼s the only one I have read on your list, with the exception of
some Donne. But I found it truly fascinating!
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:03:24) Thanks!
I adore Steppenwolf right now. Just starting to dig into the Treatise. Hesse is truly brilliant, and I¼m planning on
reading more of him very, very shortly. -K
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pavlovsbelle (2003-07-23 14:40:05) Re: Thanks!
Yay!! Nice! I read siddhartha in high school, but after I read steppenwolf, I bought a few more of his...that I
havent¼ gotten to yet. So let me know what you think!
arundel (2003-07-21 00:30:29)
Ah, I¼ve got No Exit, 100 Years Of Solitude, and The Plague on my summer reading list as well.
I think you¼ll really enjoy Death of a Salesman.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:04:06)
Loving it so far, like I said in one of these other comments that I¼m so late in replying to. We can start an online
book club! :) -K
i hated the Illiad, and Mrs. Dalloway was awful i heard. i really enjoyed Angela¼s Ashes, though. Anything by
George Orwell is awesome, and i bought a book recently called ”the basic writings of Nietsche”. Frida Kahlo¼s
Biography called ”frida” is very good. Anything to do with Trotsky is good too. But im a little biased when i say
that. :) Oh, N.P, Kitchen, and Lizard, all by Banana Yoshimoto are all really good reads. She writes about people,
but she analyzes them...i dont know how to explain it. Her writing reminds me of Vanilla Sky.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:08:08) Interesting.
People seem to either adore Ms. Woolf¼s work or categorically despise it. I¼ve had that experience in talking with
some people on the J.D. Salinger e-mail list. (In fact, we rarely discuss Salinger at all on there, as is the case with
many message boards.) I need to read some Orwell outside of the traditional Animal Farm and 1984 route. Oooh,
and that Nietzsche book sounds wonderful. Really wanna check out Thus Spake Zarathrusta. Pretty sure I spelled
that wrong, but ah well. Angela¼s Ashes sounds like an interesting class-based novel, and I¼ve heard pretty good
reviews. Not familiar with either Frida Kahlo or Banana Yoshimoto, but I¼ll have to check them out, too. So many
books, so little time, so many hungry, so many blind. (Good ol¼ Michael Card. He and his Christian music used to
rock my socks.) -K
(2003-07-31 17:54:31) These books....
You don¼t know me (I am a friend of James Owens and also Jeff Wilson, who gave me this web address), and you
may not even read this, seeing as it is now a week after these last messages were posted——-BUT, my question is:
why would you only want to read parts of a book? I am not crticizing, just curious. Also, in my opinion, The Iliad was
one of the best books our class read last year in AP English.....just in case you might enjoy that input. Anyway, you
are a good writer; maybe we¼ll run into each other next year at CU ( I am also an English major ). Keep thinking
passionately! -Lauren Trojanowski [email protected]
kevincarter (2003-07-31 20:10:10) Re: These books....
Hey, Lauren. Nice to meet you, and thanks for posting. Very good question about reading portions of those
books. Actually, a few of them will probably end up switching lists, seeing as how I¼m ecstatic about digging into
Lolita, for instance. However, the reason I¼m interested in reading at least a portion of these books is to
understand the author¼s voice and style. Plus, I can¼t finish most of the ones I listed by the time summer¼s over.
Particularly Proust and Joyce come to mind, since they¼re two of the loftiest works in 20th century fiction, or any
fiction at all, for that matter. Basically, what I¼m saying is that I want to get started into them. I¼ll send you an
e-mail in a while with more than this cursory introduction. For now, though, hope you enjoy reading! -K
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1.3.16
A completely unnecessary post later to be featured in ”The Complete Correspondence of Kevin Carter” (2003-07-22 01:28)
Orientation was amazing, just as you predicted it’d be. It only got better, of course, the longer I was up
there. The first day was really cool, and I met a few similar kids, but there were too many people to really
have a hold on exactly what to do. Generally, I operate best in smaller circles of around three or four people
than I do with 700 kids. They did a little overview of what we needed to graduate, and then we had our
major department meeting and all that jazz. Most of it was extremely repetitive, but somehow comforting.
We did the obligatory singing of the fight song, a little grillout, and then a ”team building activity.” Wisely,
our sponsors opted to forego that process and do an informal question and answer period that was really
helpful. That night, we got dropped off at the Kittredge complex to go to the cafe there. Unfortunately,
it was almost like a pre-rush for the fraternities and sororities, so I went outside and read Catcher for a
while. (Hey, it’s both a perfect coming of age novel for the first time as a pseudo-student at campus and
a conversation-starter with interesting people to boot! You can’t beat it.) Sadly, the conversation starter
failed at that point, and I retired to my interim dorm room for a little sleep.
Got up about three hours later (12:30 AMish) because the non-air conditioned room was so hot, and I
wandered outside, seeing people already drinking on the first night of orientation. Couldn’t they at least
wait until the first night of college? Well, I didn’t really have that much of a problem with it until a guy
invaded our little bathroom area, soon rendering it completely unusable until the janitor got there the next
morning. Must have been quite a surprise for the first guy ready to step in the shower. Anyway, I chatted
with a few people and went back to bed.
Woke up the next day and did a little self-guided tour of the campus in some of my offtime, meeting a
few cool kids. We hung out for a while until it was time for registration. We all had schedules with about
16 choices for classes and were eager to get in there to register. Later, we found out that registration would
be done by the last two digits of our social security numbers, which made me wait until 3:00. Of course, to
get the classes we really wanted, some of us waited outside the door to line up for our time. Finally, my
battered copy of Catcher paid off, and I met a really interesting girl passionate about most of the things I’m
passionate about. (She was carrying around Gatsby, hoping it would catch someone’s eye too.) We hit it
off, and so we traded e-mail addresses and all that stuff. Already, I’m starting to meet people a lot like me,
and I’m loving it.
Ooh, schedules. Let’s see... I’m taking Spanish 2, first, to fulfill a MAPS requirement since I only had
two years of foreign language at Pomona. (8:00 class, Monday-Friday. Ugh.) Probably the reason for my
lack of Spanish skills were caused by having a certain Ms. Rodriguez as a teacher senior year. Student apathy
about high school and totalitarian teaching styles don’t exactly mix well, and the placement test taught me
this. Oh, well. It’ll be good to get back in the groove, and learning Spanish will probably help me down the
road.
College algebra was a core requirement that I’m getting out of the way. Shouldn’t be too bad, since it’s
self-paced, plus it’ll hopefully make me a little more well-rounded student.
Really excited to take Literary Analysis, my major course, this fall. Can’t wait to see the books we get
to read!
Tried desperately to get into any, any, any History classes, off the bat, but I couldn’t. Incoming freshmen have the absolute worst luck getting into classes. After that, I tried Philosophy. No go. Theater?
Music? Another English course? Not a chance. Thus, I’m taking a Linguistics course as my elective. While
I’d normally rather enjoy a Linguistics class, because I’m fascinated by languages, this one seems to focus
69
mostly on grammar. It’ll be a great experience anyway.
milkmansmeagol (2003-07-23 09:29:48) Cool
Orientation sounds like a really funny experience. It also sounds like a really good time. Too bad about Sylvia, good
luck with the new girl.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 13:53:13) Re: Cool
Definitely had a great time at orientation. Stay on the good path, Nick, and you¼ll be heading to CU in three years
rather than Mines! :) Really looking forward to getting up to campus. If you¼re interested after I get up there, I could
show you and <lj user=”sionater”> around. Oh, and the Silvia thing... <A href=”http://aivlis.livejournal.com”>She</a> and I have worked through it, and everything¼s cool now. Thanks for the condolences, though... I hope it
works out with Jesika too. :) -K
1.3.17
Social Blogging Post (2003-07-22 02:23)
[ LJ User: ecredes ] has it all wrong. I’m not in league with the spiders. Goddammit, if I really wanted all
of them to assassinate him a few nights ago, why wouldn’t I have called the whole army? It just doesn’t
compute. Besides, my total ignorance of what happened before and some of the incidents with them are
completely ridiculous when you consider that our houses are completely different worlds! Unless the spiders
have developed interstellar travel of sorts, there’s no way on earth that I could possibly have anything to
do with this mess. And don’t say I load them all up in the Corolla and drive them down Garrison, because
that clearly has never happened! Never! Not even once! By the bye, people without the lovely miss [ LJ
User: turbulence ] on their friends list and who are clued in on the spider debacle ought to read her [1]latest
comment regarding showering with spiders on the wall. Hmmm... reminds me of a certain story I heard from
[ LJ User: lostheaven ]...
Uh, sorry about the quantity of posts tonight. I’m making up for the recent drought, much to the chagrin of my ever-loving readers. Lately, I’ve been having a really good time. Sitting around, reading, listening
to music, surfing the web. Today, though, I was in kind of a bad mood, so I decided to listen to Joni Mitchell’s
Blue album, which is just as spectacular as it usually is. There are so many poignant moments on the album
that I sat there, wanting to cry but not able to. Thankfully, listening to music like that is so emotionally
cleansing to me. If anyone ever goes to a show with me, they’ll see that happen. I want to rummage through
the rest of Ms. Mitchell’s catalog, but I’m not quite sure where to go. Ladies of the Canyonis gorgeous, too,
but I haven’t ventured out too much. Any suggestions from hardcore fans?
opening credits - The Psychedelic Furs / Into You Like A Train
wake up scene - Elvis Costello / Love For Tender (because I often wake up to it)
average day scene - The Beatles / A Day in the Life
best friend scene - Tenacious D / Friendship
crush scene - The Magnetic Fields / The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side
falling in love scene - Stevie Wonder / I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever)
love scene - Elvis Costello / She
fight with friend scene - Modest Mouse / Lives
break up scene - The Magnetic Fields / I Don’t Believe in the Sun
get back together scene - The Magnetic Fields / I Don’t Wanna Get Over You
fight at home scene - The Sex Pistols / Anarchy in the UK
life’s ok scene - The Smiths / Cemetery Gates
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heartbreak scene - The Magnetic Fields / How Fucking Romantic (Noticing a pattern?)
mental breakdown scene - The Velvet Underground / Heroin
driving scene - Nico / These Days
lesson learning scene - Dar Williams / The Ocean
deep thought scene - Sigur Ros / Staralfur
flashback scene - The Who / Won’t Get Fooled Again
party scene - The Strokes / Hard to Explain
happy dance scene - New Order / True Faith
regret scene - The Boomtown Rats / When the Night Comes
long night alone scene - Kansas / Lonely Wind
death scene - Mike Oldfield / Tubular Bells
closing credits - Greg Brown - Just By Myself.
Next up, the eagerly anticipated continuation of the love life saga.
1. http://www.livejournal.com/users/turbulence/19549.htm
ex turbulenc506 (2003-07-22 02:25:59)
With a soundtrack like that, I just might have to see your movie when it comes out. I knew there was a story behind
those spiders on the wall. There were just one or two too many of them for me to think otherwise. Honestly, Kevin,
are you trying to rival the Patriot Act?
kevincarter (2003-07-23 13:54:31) Heh.
Not only am I trying to rival the Patriot Act, but I¼m helping John Ashcroft out. Y¼see, the spiders are the new
form of the United States Secret Police. You better watch those liberal-leaning political views, missy. -K
the strokes ”hard to explain” is not only the best music video ever, but an amazing song. I love it
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:57:20) Agreed!
...except for the best music video ever award, which should probably go to New Order for ”The Perfect Kiss,” one of
my alltime favorite songs. It¼s an elegy for former Joy Division bandmember Stephen Curtis, and if you haven¼t
heard it yet, I¼d highly advise it. Seeing the Strokes live was fantastic too, and I can¼t wait for the second album.
-K
1.3.18
The Promised Hilary Post (2003-07-22 04:12)
(This one goes out to Jeremy Powell, who remains blogless. We love you anyway, Jeremy!)
HILARY DAVIS: Here’s where some people might think it gets interesting, since they’ve actually
known me since this whole incident happened. Well, needless to say, I’m going to explicate it for all it’s
worth. It’s going to be exhaustive, but probably not quite as exhaustive as the Kate post. Okay, definitely
not as exhaustive as the Kate post, since there’s not nearly as much to analyze. Because it’s worth noting,
I’ll note it. Hilary is the only one of the girls that I’ve written about who I remain on good terms with. We
still e-mail, even though we both understand there’s nothing that’s going to happen between us in the near
future. After this post, you’ll probably understand why I continue to do so.
You could say that, probably, since the day I met her, I was naturally attracted to Hilary.
Pretty,
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witty, articulate, and amazingly intelligent, and her phenomenal singing voice. This isn’t your average
do-re-mi-so-fa-la-ti-do voice. When I’d hear her sing, it was one of those typical ga-ga moments. When she
was harmonizing with a girl (Katie McClure) on the bus we rode on during the Florida choir trip, I was
spellbound. I knew I had it pretty damn bad. Yet, I’m getting ahead of myself once again. Anyway, Hilary
was in my second semester Acting class freshman year. An endearingly indicative actor (in the Stanislavsky
sense), I still loved watching her on the stage. She had such a presence. Plus, I found out that she was on
the honors track. Honestly, though, I didn’t talk to her too much. The room was sort of divided strangely,
and I think I had a crush on someone else at the time. It was so unimportant, though, that I can’t even
remember who.
Later, as I was in the same class as her (8th hour Play Production), as well as choir, we got to
know each other quite a bit better. Sure, some of her attitudes were irritating, but whose aren’t? She
more than makes up for these annoying habits through her extraordinarily lovable idiosyncracies. She only
wears red toenail polish and vows to put nothing on her toes other than that. Ever. Her insatiable love
of Audrey Hepburn. Plans to marry a boy she’s known since she was two. (One of the big problems, but
I’ll address that in a minute.) Eating a certain kind of ice cream in the mornings ocassionally. Reading,
yes, [1]weddingchannel.com in the newspaper room while obsessing about reality TV. These sound very
commonplace, but they’re not. Oh, and she has this lilt in her voice that knocks me dead every time I hear
it. For some reason, that’s usually a major thing for me. Of course, I can handle it if the girl doesn’t have a
lilt, but it’s such a nice added bonus. She loves jazz, loves great movies, loves beautiful things, and somehow
manages to love romance novels. More than anything, she’s a mystery to me, and I adore her for it. Why
don’t I just extol her virtues a little more, huh? Great writer, wonderful thinker, constantly reading, etc.
You don’t want to hear anymore about it, and if I talk about her virtues anymore, I’ll get depressed.
But really, I first fell for her after Homecoming senior year. We both had shitty dates. I went with
a certain Bible-thumping girl named Elizabeth Schweitzer in an absolute frenzy, since I was nominated
for homecoming royalty. (If there was any doubt in your mind beforehand, yes, the world is absurd. And
beautiful and small. ) All the dates for homecoming were gone (including, regrettably, Hilary) and I was
forced to go ’cause of the whole king thing. Not really wanting to go stag, I asked Elizabeth when the rumor
was floating around that she’d like to go with me. Don’t get me wrong... she’s an extremely nice girl... I
really like her a lot. We just weren’t good together. Had a perfectly enjoyable night, really liked dancing,
she’s a good conversationalist and all that. Then, though, on our way to dessert at the house of a certain
Elizabeth Milligan (easily one of the coolest people I know), she started preaching to me. It was honestly
ridiculous. Started asking me if I believed in absolute morality or not. Then, I started asking her about
scriptural inerrancy and the fourth century church eccumenical council’s recognition of the official canon.
That kinda shut her up for a little. Hilary had a more extreme experience. She went with a junior named
Reid who had a recent obsession with kayaking. Reid wouldn’t take any input on what kind of clothes he
should wear to match or anything. Didn’t let her have any say whatsoever in the restaurant, etc. Anyway,
we both had really bad dates. Exhausted at the party, and while our dates were in the room, we exchanged
witty repartee about our lousy dates. We were lying on kind of a bed in their basement, and it was great.
Honestly, great. Even though she was tired and semi-depressed, she had sparkles (not just the stereotypical
sparkle, but multiple!) in her eye. It was at that point that the idea first occurred to me: I should ask her
to Prom.
Jesus Christ, I’d watched too many teen movies not to go to Prom. We seemed like a really good
fit to me. We enjoyed the same things, despised the same things, and generally got along pretty well. She
seemed like the perfect date/girlfriend. I started to get some courage built up. Soon, both of us started
taking our lunch periods off to finish our AP History homework on Monday afternoons, and after a while,
it became commonplace. Pretty much every day, we’d hang out in the journalism room at Pomona and
chat. When Prom began approaching, [ LJ User: laurenoid ] suggested that we go together. Both of us said
72
that’d be a great idea and set out planning it. Then, I told her that it really couldn’t be that easy, and I’d
have to ask her in the standard way. Although she declined, saying that it always annoyed her being asked
in grandiose fashion to a dance, I still planned on doing it Tuesday after getting advice from Hilary’s friend
Jessica on how to do it. Everything was going great. So, Monday morning, I come into the Journalism
room for our typical study session. I looked at the bulletin board, horrified. What do I see on the board,
you might ask. Well, I’ll tell you what I saw.
HILARY,
WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH ME?
MIKE
Even worse was the look on her face when I came into the room and asked her what she said. She
felt pressured into saying yes, and being her passive-aggressive self, did so. Of course, she really didn’t
want any romantic involvement at that point, which is really what happened, but I wasn’t exactly a happy
camper. Mike, by the way, is a tuba player. A TUBA PLAYER. Sure, a nice guy, but I couldn’t get past
it. I spent that lunch period trying to convince her to tell Mike ’no,’ and furthermore, that we’d already
agreed on going. Both of us even asked one of the people that we most respect in the world, our history
teacher Ms. Taylor. (I had an excerpt of an e-mail sent to her posted earlier tonight.) Of course, being
the supportive teacher who didn’t really like Mike Musick since he had nothing intelligent to say about the
Howard Zinn reading we did, she recommended that Hilary and I go together. Hilary was a bit bewildered.
Needless to say, there was a little tension between Hilary and I for a little while. Her friends felt the same
way, since she was kind of disrupting the plans we had to go as a group. Plus, her friends had started to
become pretty good friends with me, so there was a chasm.
A few days later, we decided to meet at Starbucks to talk about things. Honestly, we sat there for
four hours, trying to figure out what was going on. Apparently, this was some metaphor for the rest of our
relationship that I was entirely unaware of. We came to a consensus. Eventually, we would go to dinner
and dancing as a form of ”make-up prom.” This is, of course, an oversimplification of the conversation, but
you don’t want the complicated version. In fact, you don’t want any version at all by this point, do you? I
know, I know, but you’re still reading it anyway, aren’t ya? Right-o.
One night, for Elizabeth Milligan’s birthday party, a bunch of us went down to the Mercury Cafe to
swing dance. For Hilary and I, this covered the dance part of make-up prom. It was a blast, and surprisingly,
I was better at it then she was. Generally, there’s a passage from one of my favorite novels, Youth In Revolt
by CD Payne, that perfectly describes how I usually handle gliding across the floor with girls: ”When it
comes to dancing, I have no talent, no training, and no rhythm. I was also cold sober (unlike my partner),
and was acutely aware that my rival in love had doubtless already proven his Terpsichorean mastery. It did
not improve my concentration to imagine them clinched cheek to cheek (and, even worse, chest to chest),
gliding gracefully across some Ukiahan ballroom. So we danced. Sheeni danced like gay prewar Paris. I
danced like the German Army retreating from Stalingrad.” Somehow, though, with her I was able to do it.
We fit together in a way that I can’t describe, and as you can tell, I’m not big on calling things ineffable
when they’re simply not. I think that we both had a really good time.
On our trip to Florida, in a hotel room, Elizabeth asked me if I liked Hilary. (Keep in mind, this is
in a room with Hilary’s ex-boyfriend, Dan.) I replied honestly, ”Yeah, I do.” Elizabeth, an extremely
precocious girl, replied uncharacteristically, ”No. I mean, do you like like Hilary.” God, were we really in
second grade? I repeated my answer, and Elizabeth was shocked, apologizing like a madman for asking,
because she thought the answer was going to be ’no.’ She revealed later that Hilary thought that I liked
73
her, and that Elizabeth disagreed with Hilary’s assessment of the situation, thinking it was Hils’ inflamed
ego. (Oh, and although this is a common line, she’s not egotistical. She’s just insecure. Really.) Things got
slightly awkward after that. Prom had yet to happen, but I didn’t know how to act and neither did she.
We had a really good time at Prom, anyway, even though we went in separate groups. Still got to
talk to her a little. Needless to say, make-up Prom didn’t happen. Also needless to say, over-analytical me
wanted to figure out why it didn’t happen. So I e-mailed her. She replied, saying that she liked me to and
”could date [me], things could be delightful, etc.” but that she ”cannot date anyone” right now. She talked
about having ”the mean reds, and not even going to Tiffany’s could cheer [her] up.” Unbelievably, she even
said that she’d refuse to date the life-long best friend that she swears she’ll marry one day. She ended the
e-mail by saying, ”I love him [ed: the best friend], and I love you, but I need to learn to love myself first.”
Easily the best Dear John letter I’ve ever gotten to a relationship that never happened. :)
Which brings us up to today. Further updates as information warrants.
done and I can go to bed in a few minutes.)
(Thank god that post is
1. http://www.weddingchannel.com/
casey (2003-07-22 07:25:23)
Thanks for sharing that. I was captivated the whole time, because that kind of situation has been all too familiar to
me. ;P
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:09:49) I hear ya.
Seems like we¼re an awful lot alike. In that LJ match thing, you¼re at the top of my list and stuff. Unfortunately,
we seem to be alike in this area too. I¼d be interested to read some of your relationship drama, definitely. And
captivated... I¼m not sure I could do that to anyone, but thanks for the amazing compliment! :) -K
dive (2003-07-22 08:06:17) Write a book, man...
You really should just write a book that covers you entire chronological experiences with women. Every detail you
can remember. This stuff is interesting to read, and I think most guys (who actually care about women, not just what
women can provide them) can connect to it in one way or another. I¼d buy it. -danielout
wulfmadchen (2003-07-22 08:47:40) Re: Write a book, man...
I¼m with Danyl on this one: There are so many books available about women¼s issues and women¼s psychology.
I¼m interested in learning more about what goes through the heads of the other 48 % of the world population. Hell,
who am I kidding? I¼d read your commentary on watching paint dry. >:)
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:55:44) Re: Write a book, man...
Hey, the other 48 % of us are just another minority that nobody cares about. Trust me, our psychology isn¼t
nearly as interesting or complex as that of the majority¼s. At least I don¼t think so. Your comment about paint
drying gives me a wicked idea for a Billy Collins-style poem. :) -K
wulfmadchen (2003-07-23 20:13:47) Re: Write a book, man...
Bah...you only say that because you get to listen to it all the time. I do agree that male psychology, on the whole,
is probably a little less convoluted and contradictory, mainly just because I¼ve been told by too many councellors
and mental-health professionals that my workings give me a frighteningly male-typical psychology for someone
without the requisite boy-scout fire extinguisher >:)
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kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:54:30) Re: Write a book, man...
Thanks for the accolades, man. While I¼d certainly enjoy writing something that chronicled my sordid (lack of)
love-life, I can¼t imagine there¼d be any market for it. Before I can publish memoirs, I think I need to write the
Great American Novel or several incisive pieces of literary criticism, or something like that. Actually, relationships
are what first attracted me to the journalling community. It was <lj user=”czircon”>¼s squinonablaga that was
my first experience with being able to read people¼s thoughts about their lovelife online, and it fascinated me. So
blame Scott Hammack for all this crap. :) What I think would really be interesting is writing a book about other
people¼s romances. Po Bronson, the bastard, already stole my idea, but I think a book about other people¼s failed
romances would be just as interesting. Investigating both sides and all that. Wow, I¼d make a lousy journalist. -K
lostheaven (2003-07-22 10:39:04)
Honestly. Who actually read all of that? Everyone just skimmed. And yes, write a book. <marquee>:-*</marquee>
lifeofconfusion (2003-07-22 19:56:27) hey!
i read all of that, and i found it intresting, i love to read kevins¼ entries. and if you (kevin) write a book, let me
know i¼ll buy it!
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:59:35) Re: hey!
Awwww! Thanks! -K
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:58:35) Heh.
Su, su foo! I¼d be surprised if people even skimmed it. :) Oh, and you might have room to talk if you actually
updated your journal everyday. Stop working so much, too! We miss you! -K
pipster uwyo (2003-07-22 14:08:21)
I¼m not even going to try to beat the length of this post. You win.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:59:09)
I win, one to nothin¼! That¼s right, baby. I was tenaciously quoting The D. -K
(2003-07-24 19:39:35) .....
.... my God.... there¼s some things I can¼t say here, so I¼ll tell you later. But, whatever you say about Hillary
not being egotistical, she is... She comes off that way to everyone but you, the one who was in love with her. Love
blinds people, and you were blind to that fact, sorry to say that.
kevincarter (2003-07-26 18:25:21) Re: .....
Is this Jeremy? Same IP address, so I¼m just wondering. Really curious to see exactly what mystery lies beneath
the post, so tell me soon. -K
misskrist (2003-07-25 14:16:23) Bravo
Honestly. I feel so inept as a soon-to-be English major after reading your posts. Really, I believe you need to find the
right woman for you. Perhaps one that is not so obvious to you as a ”keeper.” Good luck, and see you at Halo tonight.
kevincarter (2003-07-26 18:27:17) Re: Bravo
Okay, regarding your supposed ”ineptitude” as a writer, I felt the same way after reading your gorgeous poem which I
haven¼t quite absorbed all the way yet. I still have to explicate it, but I think what I know of it so far is absolutely
beautiful, and I¼m looking to suck out all the meaning that there is. Interesting comment about having someone
who isn¼t obvious to me as a ”keeper.” What exactly do you mean by that? I¼m really very interested... -K
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1.3.19
(2003-07-23 01:30)
Although I don’t want this to turn into a miserable lit blog, *cough*[ LJ User: lastnightstears ]*cough* I
thought it would be interesting to list the books of Harold Bloom’s [1]Western Canon that I’ve read. Since
I went to the trouble of making the list and will probably eventually lose the paper I wrote it on, here it
is. Not that anyone’s reading this post other than me. Um, the criterion for listing these pieces is sort of
strange, since Bloom only includes certain works in the recognized canon. For instance, although I’ve read
Fitzgerald’s This Side of Paradise, I don’t list it here, since Bloom doesn’t include it.
Current Canon
The Bible
Homer - The Odyssey
Sophocles - Oedipus the King
Aristophanes - Lysistrata
Aristotle - Poetics
Dante - Inferno
Christopher Marlowe - Doctor Faustus
Jonathan Swift - ”A Modest Proposal”
Moliere - Tartuffe, The Miser
Voltaire - Candide
Victor Hugo - Les Miserables (abridged version)
Charles Bauelaire - Flowers of Evil
Arthur Rimbaud - Complete Works
Robert Browning - ”My Last Duchess”
William Blake - Selected Poetry
William Wordsworth - Selected Poetry
Samuel Taylor Coleridge - ”Rime of the Ancient Mariner”
Percy Bysshe Shelley - Selected Poetry
Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley - Frankenstein
Robert Burns - ”O, My Luve Is Like a Red, Red Rose”
John Keats - Selected Poetry
Emily Bronte - Wuthering Heights
Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Importance of Being Earnest
Fyodor Dostoevsky - Notes from the Underground
Ralph Waldo Emerson - Essays, Selected Poetry
Emily Dickinson - Selected Poetry
Walt Whitman - Selected Poetry
Edgar Allen Poe - Selected Poetry, ”The Cask of Amontillado”
Henry David Thoreau - Walden, Selected Essays
Mark Twain - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Canonical Prophecy
Italo Calvino - If on a Winter’s Night a Traveler (portions)
Federico Garcia Lorca - Selected Poems
Albert Camus - The Stranger
William Butler Yeats - ”The Second Coming”
Rudyard Kipling - ”The White Man’s Burden”
A.E. Housman - Collected Poems
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James Joyce - Dubliners, Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Samuel Beckett - Waiting for Godot
Aldous Huxley - Brave New World
George Orwell - 1984
Rainer Maria Rilke - Duino Elegies
Franz Kafka - ”The Metamorphosis”
Pablo Neruda - Selected Poems
Chinua Achebe - Things Fall Apart, ”Dead Men’s Path”
Robert Frost - Selected Poems
Edith Wharton - Ethan Frome
Sinclair Lewis - Babbitt
William Carlos Williams - Selected Poems
Ezra Pound - Selected Poems
T.S. Eliot - Selected Poems
Eugene O’Neill - The Iceman Cometh
e.e. cummings - Selected Poems
F. Scott Fitzgerald - The Great Gatsby, Tender is the Night
William Faulkner - As I Lay Dying, ”A Rose for Emily”
Ernest Hemingway - Selected Short Stories, A Farwell to Arms, The Sun Also Rises, The Garden of Eden
John Steinbeck - The Grapes of Wrath
Eudora Welty - Selected Short Stories
Langston Hughes - Selected Poems
Theodore Roethke - Selected Poems
John Cheever - Selected Short Stories
Flannery O’Connor - Selected Short Stories
Vladimir Nabokov - Lolita (portions)
J.D. Salinger - The Catcher in the Rye, Nine Stories
Toni Morrison - Song of Solomon
Thomas Pynchon - The Crying of Lot 49
Kurt Vonnegut - Cat’s Cradle
Gary Snyder - Selected Poems
Tony Kushner - Angels in America
God, that sure isn’t very impressive when you look at what the canon consists of. Gotta keep going.
1. http://www.literarycritic.com/bloom.htm
milkmansmeagol (2003-07-23 11:48:45) Wow
Have you seriously read all of those books? That¼s amazing. Even the whole Bible? Crazy. Hey Kev it¼s me, Nick.
This thing is pretty fun so far. I haven¼t really read anyone else¼s journals yet.
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:26:05) Re: Wow
Ah, more or less. Trust me, if you see the 2000 books or whatever there are in the canon, I haven¼t read nearly
enough yet. While I¼m sure there are some portions of the Bible I haven¼t read yet (some of the more annoying
Old Testament prophets, for instance), I¼m pretty sure I¼ve covered most of the ground. I was kinda cheating in
not putting a (portions) after it, but I¼m pretty sure I understand most of the message. Trust me, when you have
no life, it¼s easy to read a lot. :) -K
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fireyjette (2003-07-23 14:18:06)
You added me to your friend¼s list (I can only assume because I also live in Arvada, and you searched through
livejournal - or perhaps we know each other and I¼ve just forgotten?), and I¼ve finally added you back. :) Sorry
if it¼s taken some time, I didn¼t realize I¼d been added, and then I just became lazy. I enjoy what I¼ve read of
your journal so far, and look forward to reading more. - Sonny
kevincarter (2003-07-23 14:21:04) Hey!
You guessed correctly on the Arvada thing. Oh, and did you happen to get my e-mail? Sent it a few days ago, I
think. Just curious, ¼cause my mail program was acting kinda weird. Likewise, I¼ve enjoyed reading your journal
so far. :) -K
fireyjette (2003-07-23 15:24:59) Re: Hey!
Aha! I haven¼t checked my e-mail in ages, thank you for reminding me. ;) I did recieve your message,
and just sent my response. - Sonny
1.3.20
Good god. (2003-07-24 15:56)
Poor Star Wars Kid. Now, I feel bad for [1]laughing at him.
1. http://www.globetechnology.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20030723.gtuboyyn/BNStory/Technology/
airik (2003-07-24 15:24:59) ...
i kinda do but it is also his fault for even making a video, or even worse letting others know about it... All the shit
people give him really isnt deserved, and im guessing that some people there took it too far...what type of a project
does a 15 year old use a video of himself wielding a two-sided lightsaber?...i must just be insensitive.
Kids are so cruel.
milkmansmeagol (2003-07-24 15:45:00)
That¼s one of the funniest things i¼ve ever read. But I do feel really sorry for the kid. But that movie was sooo
funny I don¼t get why people made fun of him for it, i liked it. Although i do think he was kinda a dork for making
it.
plastichope (2003-07-24 16:14:17)
i feel sorry for him, but then again, he should also learn to laugh at himself. :-/
dive (2003-07-24 20:37:55) bite the bullet
i agree:: cut the kid some slack boys, he¼s now incredibly famous i disagree:: freaking lawsuit over this? grow up,
deal with it, laugh a little. -danielout
ecredes (2003-07-25 00:04:34) ..
you dont realize how much more funny the star wars kid is now... the fact that he needs to see a shrink because of
it...all i have to say to that is...tap tap. it cant get much more amusing than that...unless his parents actually do win
the lawsuit...then it will be freaking hilarious.. forgive this comment for being a bit late...i havent checked LJ for a
few days...
78
1.3.21
(2003-07-26 19:15)
Finally, another Livejournal entry from yours truly. It’s been a little while, mostly because I’ve been obsessed
with CD Payne’s ever-so-wonderful novel, Youth In Revolt. Finally, a guilty pleasure after a few months of
”serious reading.” Okay, forget that I read Sedaris during the past few months. Saw it at the library the
other day and couldn’t resist picking me up. If only my life was as interesting as Nick Twisp’s. I’m about
350 pages in now, so after that, I’ll get back to being Johnny English Major. Oh, and I’ll probably have
some more interesting things to tell you about.
Right now, I’m listening to probably my favorite guitar solo ever, off of the Velvet Underground’s White
Light/White Heat album. (”I Heard Her Call My Name,” for all of you who were shuddering with anticisayitpation. I’m also wearing the shirt, just like a good little consumer fan. Grooving to ”Sister Ray” makes it
all worth it, though.
The days are running together [1]something awful, I’m afraid. Generally, I read for a while, shower, play
minesweeper, get online and check my e-mail, listen to music, and go do some horribly unproductive yet
temporarily satisfying with my friends. I go back home, then, and suffer through about an hour of poignant
sentimentality while I listen to Joni Mitchell, then I go to bed. Everything’s still weighing me down, somehow. That whole modern existence stuff. I’d call it ennui, but I’m not sure if is really is. It’s something
more. Some isolation or desolation or desecration inside me that won’t let me gain everything I want to. This
phantom, this ethereal spectre is haunting me constantly, and I’m running from it. I try to escape it, but it
always looms. Lately, I’ve been feeling a connection to the aspects of both wolf and man, even though the
treatise warns against classifying our complex thoughts and feelings into two ridiculous categories. I need to
find an outlet. I need to write. After reading Youth in Revolt, I kinda wish NaNoWriMo would roll around
sooner than November. My fear is that I’m going to be too into school to write anything of significance.
Besides, all my inspiration seems to float out of my mind when I sit down to write. This morning, I had a
wonderful idea for a poem (although I certainly wouldn’t have made anything good of it), and as I sat down
to write a minute ago, it was gone. Hopefully it’ll come back, but I doubt it.
Oh, I got a job up at Norlin Library at CU, which I’m excited about. I’ll be a page, making $7.25 an
hour through work-study, and I’m starting on 8/4. Off to see whether Halo’s gonna happen or not tonight.
More later.
1. http://www.somethingawful.com/
1.3.22
Events have warranted another post. (2003-07-29 04:23)
It wouldn’t have been so difficult if I wouldn’t have seen her. If her words to me, as they have recently, only
existed in pixels on an electronic screen that buzzed enough to cut through the silence. Then, she could have
been a figment of my imagination, away from me. Yes, the way her eyes shine when she’s thinking of the
same joke you are, or how she twirls her hair with her pointer finger just like a little girl who can’t quite
put her finger on the mot juste, or the way her voice lilts, or her laugh (sudden and breathtaking in case you
were wondering), or the way she sings with Ella as ”Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” plays at the coffeeshop.
If I ever said I was over Hilary, I lied.
Tonight, as I got home from my grandma’s house, I pulled up a message online. Obviously from her,
or else my storytelling technique would need a little work. We haven’t seen each other in a long time, as the
previous paragraph would indicate, and so when I pulled up the e-mail, I was more than pleasantly surprised.
Quoth she: ”Before I forget, I took a nap today, which means I won’t sleep, which means I might as well have
coffee, which means I might as well have it with you, which is actually a plea to go to coffee with me and
79
stay for a long time.” Needless to say, I was pretty thoroughly excited by that. She then gave me ”one half
hour” to call her, or else she’d ”kidnap [me].” While I was tempted to take a chance on the whole kidnapping
thing (which would have been pretty nice, actually), I decided to give her a call.
We met at Starbucks (sorry [ LJ User: thedexter ], but intense crushes>ideology) and, as usual, had a
wonderful talk. Despite her protestation, I bought her a coffee. Stupidly, I thought about topics in case
conversation ran low. Who knows why, because we ended up staying at Starbucks from 7:45 to 11:45, finally
going over to King Soopers for a while for no reason in particular. Yes, four hours. This is after e-mailing
back and forth a lot, lately. Ridiculous, really, how much I enjoyed just talking to her. Really, there was
no point in the conversation where there was that awkward lull. We talked almost the entire time about
important things and unimportant things. (Oh, god. Joni’s ”Blue” – the song, of course – just came on at the
perfect time, as I was having thoughts of melancholy at her being gone). Anyway, she’s basically amazing,
or complexly amazing, and I’m terribly glad I got to sit across from her tonight.
Memories, because I love some of the photos that my eyes took. She spilt coffee on her shirt and made
a valiant attempt to cover it up. Leaning in, embarassed, to whisper to me that she sometimes listened
to the smooth jazz station. (Of course, I recommended 89.3, the local wonderful jazz station. Right, [ LJ
User: lostheaven ]?) Lips pursed, smearing chapstick all over them, attempting a seduction. Eyes amazed at
turning to the middle page in a Harlequin novel and seeing a sex scene, even though she was simply trying
to prove that very hypothesis. Water almost coming out of her mouth from laughing. Eyes squinted and
nose scrunched, after I realized she was lying about not wanting to be on The Bachelorette. I would have
loved nothing more than to spend the rest of tonight – lonely tonight – with her.
Now, I’m not much on song quotes in posts, but here’s one.
Oh, but you are in my blood;
You’re my holy wine!
You’re so bitter, bitter and so sweet.
Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling;
Still, I’d be on my feet.
I would still be on my feet.
Sigh.
laurenoid (2003-07-29 11:53:30) dang
you are somehow even more dramatic than i am, but you are a writer. so much so that it deserved italics.
whoever you end up with, hilary or no, will be lucky. yer good people.
kevincarter (2003-07-31 19:46:46) Re: dang
Yeah, I know that I¼m hopelessly dramatic. Somehow, even though I never thought I was, just on a regular day to
day basis, every once in a while I end up just pouring everything out and making everything much, much bigger than
it actually is. Thank you for the compliments which I didn¼t deserve. While I don¼t think I¼m a writer
yet, at least someone thinks I¼m making progress. :) -K
plastichope (2003-07-29 14:46:14)
wow. i know it probably wasn¼t done intentionally, but everything you said was like poetry. i almost thought i was
reading a good novel for a moment there. i was sad when it ended. :P
80
kevincarter (2003-07-31 19:50:02)
Aw, thanks for the comment, Chelly. Unfortunately, that passage could never be considered poetry, because it could
never capture the true poetry of her movements, the lyricism of her voice, the perfect stanzas of her mannerisms.
Plus it¼s not written in verse. :) -K
(2003-07-31 08:27:31)
.... intense crushes>ideology ... One word. MATH! haha! Yeah, that¼s right Kevin, even in writing, you use math!!!!!!
MATH 4EVAR!!!! GO CSM!!!! *cough* Sorry, Jeremy
kevincarter (2003-07-31 19:56:33)
I think Bertrand Russell says it best, Jeremy. ”Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.” Proof that he¼s insane: he actually thought
this was a good thing. It seems to me that education is, in and of itself, a search for truth. Ergo, CSM is pointless.
:-* -K
1.3.23
”Unless I Change My Mind” - WriteFight (2003-07-29 16:49)
Okay, so I’m stealing [ LJ User: casey ]’s idea and writing short stories or poetry or memoirs or something
with the new [1]Songfight titles as my prompts. This time, it’s ”Unless I Change My Mind.” Oddly, I’m
thinking about writing a few different pieces in a few different styles for this topic, so let’s give it a shot.
–
”Unless I Change My Mind”
A few minutes ago
As I sat in my writing room,
inspired perfectly by the Muse,
under my pen sat a poem.
There was no whiteout on it, no scribbles or scratches.
”First thought, best thought,”
the mantra of the slacker poet.
Why are we so beat, anyway, after never doing anything?
Interrupting my triumph, my wife walked into the room.
Another crazed look in her eye.
She wants to move the furniture again.
Embracing the past and fearing change,
Especially when it change has to do with that
Heavy leather sofa we drag around the room every spring,
I pout in the corner, hands in the pockets of my jeans.
Dreaming of what might happen if this room
Ever stayed the same for more than a few seasons.
I could smoke my pipe on the rocking chair,
Never stumbling when the couch is there instead.
”We can put the loveseat in the corner,” she says,
”Unless I change my mind.”
81
And she will. She will, and finally,
After muscle cramps and an aching back,
Her fickle mind will be satisfied.
But when I finally grow accustomed to the setup,
spring will come again.
After the sweet smile on her face, though,
When our comfortable love shifts enough
To make me see the new light in her cheek,
I think.
Maybe that poem wasn’t as flawless as it was
Just a minute ago.
Maybe a few things need to be changed.
–
Yeah, there are more than a few things that need to be changed about that little scribble too, but I need to
actually get some writing out of my system. I haven’t enough, lately, and revision comes later.
1. http://www.songfight.org/
bileograph (2003-07-29 23:16:13)
Word.
kevincarter (2003-07-31 19:50:44)
Help get me out of this funk, Billy. Even if I¼m intruding and unwanted, I still want in on the next BK Fiction! :)
-K
bileograph (2003-07-31 21:04:24)
Enh.. Honestly, all the bkfictions these days (at least the ones I¼ve been on) seem so hopeless. It¼s like... ah, I
don¼t know. Anyway, get in touch with Wynand/Bongo/JOHN THORNTON since uh.. he seems like the man to
talk to about this.
pipster uwyo (2003-07-31 14:47:43) From Mollye and Emily...
”It¼s good, but Seuss barely scratched the surface of those complex characters”? Did you write this? We stumbled upon it and ”Kevin Carter: Human English Class” came to mind... *does frightening combination of patented
happy dance and sporadic convulsive dance* YOU CAN¼T HANDLE THE DANCES!!!!!!!!! Take that Mr. Irony!!!!
*laughs* You¼re my hero! Ta! Mollye and Pipster
kevincarter (2003-07-31 19:58:54) Re: From Mollye and Emily...
Heh, heh. If you¼re referring to the article at <a href=”http://www.gnutts.com”>gnutts.com</a>, no, I didn¼t
write it. :) If you¼re referring to the poem, thanks. Oh, and I probably *could* handle the dances, if they were
ever shown to me! -K
pipster uwyo (2003-07-31 21:29:46) Re: From just Pipster...
Kevin, Kevin. Don¼t you know, Mollye and I are simply trying to protect you from witnessing something potentially life-scarring?
82
xcape reality03 (2003-08-01 12:48:21) Well this isn't Pipster, must be..
ME! I¼m very glad that you know that awesome website. Absolutely genius to read. And I have to agree
with Pippy, we are protecting you from something that no one should ever see...except for the Pipster and myself.
Ta! You are still my hero! Mollye
(2003-08-11 02:01:56) words
people on songfight are ALWAYS looking for lyrics. write quick and post there, or offer to let someone use your lyrics.
Jon Eric¼s ”Atticus” entry was done from some lyrics that someone posted to a thread. thanks! – blue lang
1.4
1.4.1
August
(2003-08-01 00:54)
And I’ve got something to hide here called desire
I got something to hide here called desire
And I will get out of here.
I’m gonna get out of here, I’m gonna get on that train,
I’m gonna go on that train and go to New York City
I’m gonna be somebody, I’m gonna get on that train and go to New York City
I’m gonna be so bad, I’m gonna be a big star, and I will never return
Never return, no, never return, to burn out in this piss factory.
And I will travel light.
[1]Oh, watch me now.
1. http://www.oceanstar.com/patti/lyrics/pissfact.htm
bileograph (2003-08-01 20:23:53)
New York City is THE piss factory of the East coast. And don¼t let nobody tell you different.
1.4.2
Relatively Microscopic Literary Rant That You Should Actually Read
(2003-08-01 03:51)
[ LJ User: ecredes ] and others might find it interesting that I finished Hermann Hesse’s Steppenwolf today.
Not because they’d actually be interested that I finished another book that they don’t care about... more
that Mr. Hesse agrees with a certain life philosophy that Adam, and I to some extent, have adopted.
Hermann Hesse wants us to live life by what’s funny.
Unfortunately, I took the book back to the library today, so I can’t quote you chapter/verse. However,
tomorrow, I might return to pick it up and show those of you who are interested. All this time, and one of
the greatest authors of the twentieth century agrees with us. TAP FRICKIN’ TAP.
Also, while I was preparing for a long, existential, depressing read of Sartre’s No Exit, I was enchanted
by his wit and cutting insight. When you think of a trip through hell in literature, and your only experiences
with that are Dante’s Inferno and the ocassional fire and brimstone passage in the Bible, you’re in for a
83
surprise. If you haven’t read it yet, which I can’t believe I hadn’t, I strongly encourage it.
Got Bjork’s Vespertine from College Hill Library when I was up there a few days ago. There’s some beautiful
music inside it, but I can’t stand listening to her sing. Very odd, considering I usually adore unconventional
vocalists. To list a few, Tori Amos, Kate Bush, Bob Dylan, Patti Smith, Bernard Sumner, etc. I just can’t
get past it. Loved the stuff on Selmasongs, but her voice is just grating. Best track, without a doubt: ”Pagan
Poetry.”
Oh, and a new Songfight was posted, so expect a new piece coming soon to a theater near you.
Saw 28 Days Later tonight and thoroughly enjoyed it, except for the horrid ending. Thankfully, at the
end of the credits, they’ve just started inserting an alternate ending which is masterful as it highlights the
Sisyphean task ahead of them. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.
Haven’t heard from Hilary in a few days, and it’s driving me mad. Is there something wrong with me?
Yes. Will I fix it? No. Will I continue to fawn over every single word that she writes? Without a doubt.
Will I be in such exquisite ah-gony (courtesy of Tom Lehrer) until a message from ”Hilary” shows up in my
inbox? Uh huh.
Sorry for the tonal shift tonight. I’m not exactly feeling brainy, since I’m about to jam to 80s music
and play [1]RBI Baseball right now.
1. http://www.dee-nee.com/
I love No Exit. You really impress me, I wish I had your interest in literature.
airik (2003-08-01 09:47:44) Strange....
It seems that I¼ve been reading more than you have...surprise, surprise..im at four books in six days. just started
another. And Hermann Hesse....good writer it reminds me of junior year...did you ever get to read Night by Eli Weisle?
laurenoid (2003-08-01 11:05:29) bjork
hey, bjork-hater...download ”joga.” the voice grows on you...she¼s so weird that it¼s great. i¼m seeing her at red
rocks this month–woot! tori amos is coming on the 7th, as well, but you probably already knew that. i don¼t even
really like tori amos and i¼m going. take a guess why...
panoptican (2003-08-01 11:40:53)
I love Hesse. You should read The Glass Bead Game if you haven¼t. And I haven¼t read No Exit so thanks for
the rec. I think I¼m so convinced that I will get it this weekend (although I¼m not exactly sure what you did to
convince me). And what is that RBI Baseball thing? I thought it was a video game but I wasn¼t sure. I¼m sort of
out of it.
aslels (2003-08-01 11:58:52)
hesse eh? impressive :) though i¼m still a bit iffy about him, HAHA and though i maintain jane austen can kick his
butt (i know i know, apples and oranges) the guy has some TOK - theory of knowledge - worthy ideas. Will I
continue to fawn over every single word that she writes? Without a doubt. Will I be in such exquisite ah-gony until
a message from ”Hilary” shows up in my inbox? Uh huh. that¼s so cute :) ugh excuse the word, i dont mean
it condescendingly. but YEA!! that¼s so sweet. the honey moon days or the pre-get together stages are always the
loveliest/most memorable. (that is if you¼re not talking about the former mrs president/current NY senator)
84
ecredes (2003-08-02 01:29:41) ...
pre-get toghether stages...haha... ..forgive me...
pipster uwyo (2003-08-02 19:13:22) From Mollye and Pipster...
does hyper chipmunk dance*
1.4.3
”Bad Attraction” – WriteFight (2003-08-03 05:55)
A new WriteFight entry. Oh, for those of you interested at all in the concept of [1]SongFight, Hostess
Mostess’ last entry was brilliant and excels everything I tried to do in my last piece. Now on to do something
with the current topic. (Every time I hear these song titles, I always think that they’re long-lost Elvis
Costello singles that we never got the chance to hear.) Not really sure how this is going to come out, but
it’s going to. I’m feeling another character piece coming on, though. Editing will be done later... I feel like I
have to push this stuff out when it comes through me, so I can avoid scratching out all the good ideas I ever
have. Lately, I’ve been really interested in exploring some new story forms and ways of writing, so please
give me criticism, because I desperately, desperately need it.
”Bad Attraction”
So, here’s the deal, and I couldn’t possibly dream of draggin’ it on or anything like that. I mean,
wasting your goddam precious time is the last thing I wanna do, since I’m sure you’ve got to run to work to
bring home more money so you can get back to your flat and get your girlfriend to fuck you harder after you
impress her with the cash you pull down. That might not be my business, but it probably is, considering
how well I probably know your girlfriend. She tells me stuff, y’know, so you better watch it if you know
what’s good for ya. Personally, I think she digs me ’cos I ride a GS scooter with my hair cut neat. Plus, I
wear my wartime coat in the wind and sleet. Don’t get me wrong, man, but how could she possibly have
resisted?
Yeah, it’s a bit queer to post something like this on a random suburban lamppost right outside a
shop, but I have some sins to atone for, and I can’t make them yet to my friends. Y’know that Saint
Augustine fellow from a while back? Here are my confessions, considerably more gruesome than his ever
were. At least less wordy and boring than that old asshole’s. Not that I ever read ’em, of course. My dear
old schoolteacher last year, a certain Professor Greenton, did her damndest to cram that shit down our
throat, but we spit it right back up in her face with a little vitriol mixed in there for good measure. If he
would have kept sinning, at least he would have been a little more interesting.
Quite unfortunately for you, my dearest reader, you’re reading the manuscript of a sneering mod
who has a tendency to carry on incessantly with drivel that you don’t even care about. Perhaps you should
stop reading this bloody thing, then, if you hate it so much. Yet you persist for some reason. Probably it’s
that I’m intriguing you, probably because I’m the kinda guy that intrigues everybody. Anyway, as I wrote
a while back, I’m having a bit of trouble remembering exactly how I got to this point, so let me start over.
Name’s Mike. Not Michael. Mike. My parents hung on as long as they could and lost the battle. I’m 20, a
college dropout still hanging onto the dream of being a mod in 1981 in the year of our precious Lord Jesus
Christ. As you may have been able to tell, I’m an Anglophile. I admit it, I missed the mod movement the
first time around, and I’m trying to resurrect it here in the Windy City. Couldn’t put up with school at the
University of Hog Butcher to the World, so I’m working now, thinking about escaping off to London.
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So, here’s the deal: I’ve said it before, and I won’t say it again. I have a problem. I’m the perfect
mod. I’ll quote Quadrophenia again, even though it somewhat bastardized the whole movement and turned
it into something it’s not. (You wouldn’t understand about that... the only people who get it are the ones
that adopt the lifestyle, so blow me.) Anyway, while The Who fucked up pretty bad on some of the stuff,
they got a few things right. Zoot suit, white jacket with side vents five inches long. That’s me. You might
not think it, but there’s this song by this rap group called the Sugarhill Gang that perfectly defines my
fashion style. Well, almost perfectly. ”Cut My Hair” probably does it better, but whatever. Ya see, I’m
six foot one and I’m tons of fun, and I dress to a T. Ya see I got more clothes than muhammad Ali and I
dress so viciously. Fucking kitsch, I know, but we’re entitled to a little kitsch. In fact, it makes our actual
opinions that much cooler. I listen to all the right bands, wear all the right clothes, pretend that I read all
the right shit even though I’m basically illiterate as far as the ”classics” go. The only reason they’re classics
is because of the old people, the upper class. Classics my ass. Regardless, what I’m about to reveal to you,
my unsuspecting and entirely clueless audience, scars everything that I’ve done. It’s more than kitsch.
It’s fucking terrifying.
I’m not gonna mince any more words. I started to watch The PTL Club, shortly after the FCC had
busted them for screwing their stupid-ass, gullible contributors up the ass without any lube. Thought
it was hilarious when I read about it in the papers. Think it was back in ’79. Loved watching it with
friends, pounding down a couple beers, and all that. It’s fun. Okay, goddammit. I’m lying again. First
time I watched it, I was alone. Then, I saw this angelic creature on the screen. Tammy Faye Bakker. Her
makeup was mesmerizing – no, is mesmerzing – and I was entranced instantly. The eyeshadow, the mascara
– everything was so over the top, so ridiculous that I feel in love. Something in her appeals to both my
sense of the archetypal madonna and the whore. (Not just Madonna, the whore.) Since then, I’ve watched
religiously (no pun intended). Not only that, because I could probably play it off as being real kitschy and
cute. No, no. I had to start a scrapbook full of her pictures and writings and anything I could possibly get
my hands on. Articles, the works. I hate Jim Bakker more than anyone else in the entire world. I would
kill him with a jury and judge onlooking, ready to sentence me to death. If he ever cheats on her, I swear
to god, I’ll do it.
I’ve had relationships that are horrible for me before. Trust me. Ida, the punk girl, for instance.
Never again will I date a fan of the Sex Pistols. (Way too much like Nancy for my tastes.) They were bad,
bad attractions. This is different. This is more. This is a lethal obsession. It’s suicide in every way possible.
I used to be a confident existentialist, back as a naive film student at the University of Chicago.
Sometimes, even now, I try to recreate the role. The Sisyphean task was mine to carry out. Now... now...
I’m going to have to gulp down some of Romeo’s poison if things don’t change... if this lethal obsession does
not flee my soul.
I confess to you because I have no one else to confess to. Heed my words and pass them to those
that must hear them. But not to any of my friends. Not yet. I have to work up to them.
–
It needs so much work, as the idea just kind of came to me, and I’ve been vowing to write whenever I have an idea, even if it’s crap. Which it is. Help me make it better!
1. http://www.songfight.org/
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(2003-08-03 19:19:05)
I actually think it¼s quite good. You start out using very harsh, graphic language that kind of sets up how you think
the character works. He¼s coarse, and he uses short words that get his point across. However, in the last few paragraphs, the narrative becomes more smooth, more polished. That was all I caught. Maybe on another read-through,
but I doubt it.
kevincarter (2003-08-03 19:29:25)
Thanks for the comment! I really appreciate it, as I¼ve been needing some of that. (Just curious, who is this strange
anonymous commenter?) Anyway, that¼s what I was going for, to some extent, as far as the language shift went.
Trying to turn an absolute absurdity into a tragedy of sorts. The anagnorisis of sorts came when he realized his
attempted deception. Just a fun little satire, I suppose. Glad you enjoyed it. :) -K
(2003-08-03 22:05:49)
The language change fits well bearing that knowledge in mind. I re-read it a couple of times, and I really can¼t
find anything else to say. It¼s very well written. Hrmm... I wish I had something constructive to say. The only
thing I can think of is how, again, at the beginning, your narrator says that these are his ”confessions,” a la St.
Augustine. However, you just sort of jump right in to what seems to be the main confession. Maybe you could add
something small and pointless before the big sin to make it seem more... plural, as that¼s kind of how it¼s set up.
Or, maybe you were going to add more onto the big Tammy Faye one. I don¼t know. Just trying to help, because
I know that when I do something, ask for help, and people just say ”It¼s perfect, great!” I get annoyed and want
to be told what I can do to make it better. So that¼s what I¼m trying to do. Let me know if it bothers you.
brknreverse (2003-08-04 01:19:51)
I thought this was pretty good. I liked the switch. (came in off songfight)
kevincarter (2003-08-06 23:42:14)
Thanks! -K
1.4.4
(2003-08-05 03:36)
Waiting for the phone to ring,
Diamond necklace on my shoulder.
Waiting for the phone to ring,
Lipstick on my naked shoulder.
...
Over the bridge we go,
Looking for love.
...
I’ll come running to you,
Oh, baby, if you want me.
...
It’s the beginning of a new age.
Apologies... I’m becoming one of the lyric-posting LJers that I’m usually not a big fan of. What a beautiful
song, though, and I’d like to thank Tori Amos for dusting it off the shelf.
Today, I started my job at Norlin Library, in the Interlibrary Loan Lending department. Really like the
people I’m working for/with, and I think it’ll be a great work-study situation. Seems like it won’t always be
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too tremendously busy, either, so I may ocassionally have time to read there. Or, hopefully as the title would
seem to imply, study. Would you believe that I hadn’t even heard the original of this song until tonight? Just
Tori’s cover. (It’s a night to listen to originals off of Strange Little Girls, apparently.) While I’ve thoroughly
enjoyed what I’ve heard of Waits, I’m not quite sure what to get first. Any recommendations?
Oh, and now ”Someone to Watch Over Me” came on the playlist. Hopefully the tears don’t start falling,
as they’re prone to do, sometimes, when I listen to Ella. No, just a sigh of longing came out. My heart
obviously isn’t tender enough tonight.
Been reading the actual text of Harold Bloom’s The Western Canon, and it seems to neglect more modern
styles. Of course, I’m only through the Shakespeare chapter, so I haven’t made it too far. His constant
glorification of literature of yore is irritating and, I think, would tend to make writers of this day and age a
bit crestfallen. I dunno. While it inspires me to read, it certainly doesn’t inspire me to write. I need work
on both, but writing seems to be taking a focus lately.
Okay, I admit it. I turned on stupid [1]9NEWS today at 4:00 to try to catch a glimpse of Hilary, since
Fantasia’s singing at it. Unfortunately, they only had a few clips of the married couple (my former teachers,
Nate Olsen and Beth Etter). If I didn’t know them personally, I would have despised the filler with every
atom (heart mother) in my being. Stupid news fluff. Yet when I was looking for a cute girl singing, I really
didn’t mind. Oh, well. They’re running the whole ceremony tomorrow at 4. All you Coloradoites should
watch it. Actually, you shouldn’t.
More work tomorrow, so I should probably get to bed. Good night, everyone.
1. http://www.9news.com/
(2003-08-05 16:07:40)
why did you link 9-news?
kevincarter (2003-08-05 16:12:02)
I knew the site, and at the point I wrote the entry, I was too lazy to actually find the link to the 4:00 Wedding site,
which actually would have been somewhat informative. -K
vivianblank (2003-08-11 21:16:24) In regard to Tom Waits
Start with Bone Machine because it¼s so [insert lengthy description of beauty here].
1.4.5
(2003-08-06 00:18)
”You can’t fool an old hand who at the age of sixteen before even the juice was wiped off his heart by the
Great Imperial World Wiper with Sadcloth fell in love with an impossible flirt and cheater.” –Kerouac, The
Subterraneans, which I must re-read and might even tonight.
I don’t know what to read tonight, because none of the classics are appealing to me. I’m kind of in a
sad mood, and I will probably try to cure it with a little Ken Burns’ Jazz. Right now, I feel horribly lonesome for someone or something that I can’t explain. I want e-mail. I want a mailman to make a midnight
delivery to my door, a secret loveletter that was intended for someone else but that I can read and pretend
it was for me.
Is it a horrible thing that in one of my past relationships, I really identified with the character in ”I Want
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You,” before I realized the inherent violence of the lyrics. For some reason, I took it much of it to be... sort
of... metaphorical.
Will doing this ever erase my loneliness? If I quench my desire for intimacy by listening to music or writing
or reading some stupid novel that I’m supposed to read, will it ever make me really live as a real person?
Will it? Someone, tell me. Does what I want to do with the rest of my life have any actual importance at
all? Will books really change the way this world works? Right now, I doubt it. Someone restore my faith.
I’m doubting a lot of things right now. Friendships that seemed genuine aren’t anymore. Everything seems
meaningless. I know it’s not, because smarter people than me know it’s not, but I feel like I’m in a state of
oblivion right now, not at all able to do anything.
Turned on the stupid news today (recorded) after I got home and didn’t see her, thus proving my efforts
entirely futile. Tried inviting her to a movie the other night, but she had youth group and didn’t make any
attempts to re-schedule or say we’ll do something later or whatever. Ugh.
All I hear is the crackle of the turntable through the speakers as the needle hits the label. (Decent first
line of a future novel? We’ll see in November.)
airik (2003-08-05 23:58:50)
I know a book or music can make you feel better, but how does it help? does it make it look like someone understands
you? and if they do, do you actually get to talk with this person that ”understands” you? or maybe it lets you express
your feelings...but are they really yours? you¼re just expressing what they felt, feel for yourself... if the only things
you want or look for in life are understanding, consolation, and knowledge you are going to be sad, alone, and it will
be because ”the world” misjudged you. if you dont join the world as it is today, you will be left behind, forgotten, and
out-dated. -Live.
kevincarter (2003-08-06 23:30:53) Hm.
This was really a thought-provoking comment... thanks, Erik. Tonight, in a different mood, I want to say that books
and music are part of what help us understand how to live. In this way, those of us who haven¼t quite mastered
the art of living yet can join the world as it is. Sometimes, though, it takes a while. Also, I wonder if understanding,
consolation, and knowledge are such bad things to search for. It seems like love brings all those things, and in my
opinion, love is a worthy ideal. Perhaps the worthiest. Is it that bad to be outmoded? Being a member of the Flat
Earth Society seems preferable to me to being another automaton, part of mechanized society. At least I hope so.
-K
(2003-08-06 10:15:24) don't let it bring you down...
William Faulkner often wrote about the collective feeling that you are experiencing. His characters were often beat–
trapped in their own realities. Through his writing, however, Faulkner wanted to rise above that feeling, and to inspire
hope in others; he won the Nobel Prize for Literature for this. In his acceptance speech, Faulkner said that ”man will
not only endure, he will prevail”. He was writing for you, and for the masses, because at that time (just as in this
time), such feelings as those you have were so commonplace that they were accepted. Society and the minds of the
people were so uniform and limited and closed-minded that it was easy to believe that there were no other ideas or
perspectives outside, that the feeling wasn¼t self-contained. America is the same today: people believe that all they
have is what they see in front of them; people hardly ever make an effort to look around or past what is seemingly
before them. i say this while still believing in universal suffering (the Dalai Lama says that suffering is the same for the
starving child in India as for the business man, and i believe the same for you), but with the conviction that suffering
can be overcome. What i am saying is basically what the former comment has said (though i took much longer to say
it): if you expect to find happiness through your surroundings, it will be as transitory as the surroundings themselves.
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i know this is a difficult perspective, but try to think outside of this perspective, this reality (that which surrounds
you, outside yourSELF). It worked for me. [email protected]
kevincarter (2003-08-06 23:38:23) Re: don't let it bring you down...
Lauren, thanks for the amazingly refreshing words yesterday. I really needed them, and it completely changed my
mindset about what I was thinking. Personally, Faulkner¼s Nobel speech epitomizes why I love art, music, poetry,
literature, and everything else that I feel a passion for. I adore Faulkner¼s writing in the only novel of his that I¼ve
read (As I Lay Dying), and I feel like the need to transcend becomes all the more powerful afte reading his
speech. Even stuck in the midst of this modern dilemma, I still feel like I want to experience. In some ways, the sense
of this desperation and suffering, as you put it, is necessary to my gaining the ability to think outside this reality.
Incidentally, are you a Buddhist, or is universal suffering simply one of the principles of Buddhism that you live by?
Just curious, as the beautiful ”All life is suffering, suffering is caused by desire, this desire can be extinguished, and
the way to do that is through the noble path” maxim has always appealed to the Enlightenment-age logician that
sometimes surprisingly emerges from me. Thanks for the much-needed perspective, and I¼m writing you tonight!
Promise! :) -K
(2003-08-07 08:52:54) Re: don't let it bring you down...
Kevin, I¼m very glad to hear all that; looks like you¼ve got yourself figured out–for now, anyway :). I am not a
Buddhist, the universal suffering is what i take away from it as well as from what i have experienced of the world,
but that maxim has also always appealed to me, and i try and follow... On an only somewhat related topic, The
Sound and the Fury contains some of Faulkner¼s most brilliant work; check it out sometime! -lauren
pipster uwyo (2003-08-06 21:59:16) "The best years of our lives aren't as easy as they seem."
Kevin, Because I don¼t know any details about you and Hilary, I refrain from providing advice. All I can say about
that is: ”they wouldn¼t call it a ¼crush¼ if it didn¼t hurt.” I¼m sure just about every person on the planet has
been in your place at some time or another. I have. Mollye has. It¼s all a part of growing up and growing as people.
As a cure to all your problems, might I suggest adopting an upbeat song as your theme song and inventing
your own ”patented happy dance”? It would probably do wonders for you! Or at least give you something to take
your mind off being lonely. :) Pipster
kevincarter (2003-08-06 23:41:39) Re: "The best years of our lives aren't as easy as they seem."
Emily, reading your comment about crushes reminds me of a Dar Williams song called ”Iowa” that is startingly
beautiful: How I long to fall just a little bit, To dance out of the lines and stray from the light, But I fear that
to fall in love with you Is to fall from a great and gruesome height. Thanks for the suggestions. Maybe dancing
around to some New Order will help that out. -K
ecredes (2003-08-06 23:16:14) ..
:-* ”Turned on the stupid news today (recorded) after I got home and didn¼t see her” i¼m saying this as a
friend...you¼re pathetic... now you may be thinking...”hmm..he doesnt have much room to talk” you also may
be correct...but the fact that i may not have much room to talk, gives me a lot of room to talk. oh...also...i agree with
pipster...she has the right idea...get your own happy dance...i¼m sure that¼ll help your problems...
kevincarter (2003-08-06 23:25:56) Re: ..
I know I¼m pathetic, I know, I know. Becky Belles probably gave me the best advice I¼ve gotten in a long time
a while ago. (The one problem with it was that it had way too high of an opinion of me.) ”Tough as it maybe,
especially since she so adeptly pulls Daisy moves, you need to move on, or if not that try to push her to the bak
of your mind.” Unfortunately, I¼m having trouble with that, probably since I¼ve been feeling strangely alienated
lately. Sometimes, I feel like I need someone to comfort me, that can really know me, and even though it probably
isn¼t, it seems like Hilary¼s the person to do that. This is a strange feeling for me, because I generally try to give
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in relationships and then ask for something in return. This time, though, I haven¼t really given anything yet. And
I¼m still expecting something. Why? I don¼t know. You¼re pathetic, and that¼s why I¼m taking your word
for this, and so I¼m pathetic. Because you can see it. I¼m just not sure I want to change it right now. -K
ecredes (2003-08-06 23:30:24) Re: ..
ok yeah...all that is good and all... but... the patented happy dance is KEY.
pipster uwyo (2003-08-07 20:56:31) Re: ..
You mock me? :)
1.4.6
(2003-08-08 04:25)
Sweet dreams of you,
Every night, I go through
I should hate you, girl,
The whole night through.
Instead, I’m having sweet dreams
All about you.
You don’t love me. It’s plain.
I should have known you’d never share my name.
Why can’t I forget you, girl?
Start loving someone new?
Instead, I’m having sweet dreams
All about you
Why can’t I forget my past and start loving someone new?
Instead, I’m having sweet dreams all about you.
More lyrics, I know, but right now, this is playing, and I’m overwhelmed emotionally.
plastichope (2003-08-08 16:38:37)
who sings it?
kevincarter (2003-08-09 22:21:02)
Elvis Costello, otherwise known as god. You should have seen him live... he did this number, and you should have
heard me when he started it. I think I completely annoyed all the people who didn¼t care so much about his music
and were just there on business. -K
::raises eyebrow::
kevincarter (2003-08-09 22:22:39)
Don¼t worry... I¼m alright. :) This song just touched me for some reason, and I¼m not quite sure why. There
hasn¼t been one relationship that it directly applies to lately, but I think I was looking at a picture of Kate the
other night, and then I was thinking about Hilary, and things just exploded. It was like the damn dam burst. God,
I¼m so emo. I cry, literally, so much lately. -K
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pipster uwyo (2003-08-10 22:17:18)
Okay, now it¼s my turn to be the music critic...This song just sounds depressing. Not at all appropriate for a properly
performed happy dance.
kevincarter (2003-08-10 22:19:33)
Of course it¼s depressing! This isn¼t my happy dance music; trust me. If it was, I¼d be one sad puppy. Any song
Patsy Cline sings is good enough for me. :) -K
1.4.7
”Need Stilts – WriteFight” (2003-08-10 23:29)
Time for another WriteFight entry. I suppose this is more of a memoir than anything else I’ve written for this
new little thing. I think an interesting thing, too, would be people throwing out requests in the comments of
this post and having me write about them. Trust me; I need the practice desperately. Anyway, I wrote this
the other day before Signature Splash, where everyone at our school signs each other’s yearbooks. (I need
to write a lot more about that, by the way. Lots to catch up on.) Without further ado:
”Need Stilts”
Sitting in a little chair, in a little room where I learned the words to ”God Bless America,” I heard the
story of Babel. Before, I had seen only pictures of the crude structure; workers with furious muscles, strained
to failure. You can always trust the Picture Bible to retain historical accuracy. Our teacher told us the Truth
about everything, Especially things she didn’t see, because all adults told us the Truth about everything.
These men were evil; they tried to reach God’s stature. Little did they know, she said, that they would fail.
”You can never match God,” she insisted. ”He works in mysterious ways that you just can’t understand.” We
closed our Picture Bibles and our eyes to pray for the unsaved soul of Beth’s Uncle Peter in North Dakota
and that James’ new puppy would make it through the night. Plus, my unspoken request, because it was
too personal to share with the class, thanks. (I didn’t really have one.)
Now, something I’m just beginning to realize: these are heroes out of a lost time. I marvel at their ambition, their desire, their quest. Twisted, contorted physignomies, working toward their goal ceaselessly. I am
astonished. So early, these men lifted their hands to touch his face. But Yahweh, the cruel, savage god of
Israel struck them down. Jealous of their growing power, and resisting the touch of anyone, he corrupted all
they had: their language and each other. Just like some divine powertrip; a toddler screaming when the girl
next to him leans over to kiss his cheek because he’s too busy for her. He’s too busy playing with his truck,
crashing into toy buildings, causing misery to those around him. Sowing seeds of discord, simply to corrupt
their beautiful and absurd desire. They never did him any harm.
Their tower was ridiculous yet noble, and above all, a loving gesture. Although it was ineffectual to the
points of senselessness, like building a pair of stilts high enough to reach to the moon, they fell in love with
the mind of this god. He hated them for this pure love, unmarked with fear, and tried to murder their spirits.
It’s taken us thousands of years, but surgery has been successful. Our spirits our mended. We’ll be back on
our feet, back building a tower to heaven. This time, we will fight with utmost cruelty. We will hopelessly
and senselessly reach for the eternal, because it is all we have.
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Tell me what you think, and if you think it’d be better in verse form (the way I originally wrote it),
I’ll change it. More about exactly what’s going on in life later.
groupie supreme (2003-08-11 06:44:42)
I think- don¼t put it into verse, that would make it too idealistic. Your thought is just controversial enough to compel
me to read your work twice, and although it seems to end almost abruptly, perhaps it wouldn¼t work otherwise.
wulfmadchen (2003-08-11 06:49:14)
”The Tower of Babel” has always puzzled me, mainly because my relationship with God is very different from what¼s
described therein. Usually the way it works is that He¼s the one encouraging me to build spiritual towers, with all
of the blood, sweat, and cuss words included, to be closer to Him. Sometimes I suspect that the language difference
was just supposed to be one more archetectural glitch to overcome...I think that if humanity had figured out at the
time, that people who spoke differently are not neccesarilly to be feared or hated, we¼d¼ve progressed alot further
on that climb toward the face of God. Okay. None of that made any sense whatsoever, but I¼m running on about
five hours sleep, so give me a little credit. >:)
pipster uwyo (2003-08-11 21:32:55)
Interesting. That¼s really the only word I can think of to describe that piece. Although I have had to battle my
indignant rage at your controversial portrayal of God. I¼ve never thought of Him as cruel. Some nights my faith is
all that keeps me going. But then, controversy is what you enjoy, isn¼t it? :)
bileograph (2003-08-11 22:24:21)
I¼m not religiously anything (as far as I know)- so typically any type of text that plainly speaks about God jars me.
On the up-side however, I particularly like the capitalization of Truth (versus the lower-case spelling of god and his
possessives) I especially liked the various images. I¼m talking specifically about the dog, Uncle Peter, the screaming
toddler, etc. It really helps paint, for me, this idea of a suburban childhood. Thematically, it seems a little conflicted.
I mean, here is this kid who believes in God as a physical existing entity- which would imply piousness- but on the
contrary, he is especially judgmental and critical of God¼s actions concerning the tower of Babel. It just seems a
little awkward to have it both ways- though the idea of loving something only to be punished for it is definitely worth
exploring. – I think this¼d be better in Verse form- simply because story-wise it¼s lacking in action. There isn¼t
much dynamicism(?), that is there isn¼t much movement from a point A to a point B. What it does have, however,
are things more akin to poetry- reflection on ideals, and a lot of powerful dramatic words like discord, strained to
failure, eternal, evil, love, heroes of lost time. They¼re words that I think, are more likely to be found in certain
types of poetry. – Um. I think.
1.4.8
(2003-08-16 13:06)
Okay, long-needed update that will have to wait until a bit later. I can’t believe how much everything is
changing. A whole helluvalot of my friends are up at college already. I move up in five days. Five days.
More about that stuff later.
Um, right now, I’m thinking about returning Bloom’s The Western Canon, after reading only 250 pages
of it. That’s not because I wasn’t enjoying it or getting anything out of it, as I got a whole lot more out of
it than How to Read and Why, which I thought was pompous and mediocre. First of all, he talks too much
about texts that he assumes you’ve read, even fairly esoteric stuff. Basically, the man is too smart and too
well-read for me to be reading until I actually get through some of the literature he’s discussing. Although
I’m returning it, the book has done exactly what I wanted it to: motivate me to read more. Perhaps the
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most striking part of the book, for me, came fifteen pages in. Already, he’s attacked deconstructionism,
new-historicism, post-colonialism, feminism, and basically every other branch of literary analysis aside from
him and Samuel Johnson. Anyway, here’s what he says:
Originally the Canon meant the choice of books in our teaching institutions, and despite the recent politics of multiculturalism, the Canon’s true question remains: What shall the individual who still desires to
read attempt to read, this late in history? The Biblical three-score years and ten* no longer suffice to read
more than a selection of the great writers in what can be called the Western tradition, let alone in all the
world’s traditions. Who reads must choose, since there is literally not enough time to read everything, even
if one does nothing but read. Mallarmé’s grand line – ”the flesh is sad, alas, and I have read all the books” –
has become a hyperbole.
Talk about a motivational speech. If I want to learn as much as possible, I should have started earlier,
but I’m going to have to settle for starting now. This is important. There can’t be unnecessary time wasted
on trashy novels anymore. I have to begin to understand the human experience, and I have to do it through
reading and experiencing both.
”Now of my three-score years and ten, twenty will not come again. And take from seventy springs a score,
it only leaves me fifty more. And, since to look at things in bloom, fifty springs is little room, about the
woodlands I will go to see the cherry hung with snow.” Wow, do I love A.E. Housman.
Thanks for reading this lj-cut if you actually are. Adieu.
whitcomb (2003-08-16 12:45:49)
That¼s a beautiful poem.
pipster uwyo (2003-08-16 22:37:10) Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
Actually, the poem does rhyme, but I thought a little Latin was in order. :)
lauravina (2003-08-19 12:43:04)
FYI - I INVENTED the intrest catagory of Naked Chess. Hi.
1.4.9
Negligence in the Workplace (2003-08-20 14:56)
Yes, I’m updating this livejournal while I’m getting paid for it on the second floor of Norlin Library. (The
reference area of the science library, to be exact.) My excuse is that I had a lot of trouble finding an article
called ”Macrocyclic Trichothecenes from Brazilian Baccarin Species,” which is actually true. Of course, I’m
more than willing to put it in the problem box rather than searching for it all over this labyrinthine place.
College starts tomorrow. I absolutely can’t wait. If there’s anyone that would like to get together for a
big midnight thing at Denny’s or something, I would absolutely love to do that with you. Give me a call at
940-1533, or drop me an [1]e-mail.
.
Everything is moving so fast. I’m scared and excited and I haven’t even packed yet, to tell you the truth. I
bought lots of hip clothes the other day, including a Joy Division shirt that has the cover of the ”Love Will
Tear Us Apart” single on it. (For those of you who haven’t heard it, this goes on my top 10 list for best
songs ever. Check it out.) I also picked up an Elvis Costello and Radiohead shirt. Oooh, and besides that,
I have a Jack Kerouac poster with my favorite quote from On the Road on it, as well. Oh, and a Radiohead
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poster with the cover of OK Computer on it. Hey, I’ve gotta be admired for my amazing pseudo-artsiness
the first day.
It’s a whirlwind right now. An absolute whirlwind. I haven’t had time to read lately, although I’ve desperately wanted to, nor write. (Yes, there is a new Songfight topic for those of you who are following this little
writing trend of mine, and I’ll get to it shortly.)
Just then, one of the guys I work with, Josh, saw me not doing my work at all and complimented me
on my adjustment to the job. Yes, I think I’ve done a good job with that, too. It was really a lot funnier
than it sounds.
This journal will continue to be updated, unlike [2]another that is recently out of commission. I won’t
have a laptop up here, but I’ll make due.
Oh, I got a speeding ticket today going down 88th by Moore. 49 in a 35. I’m lucky he didn’t catch
me doing a little more than that. I was on my way to catch the AB bus up to Boulder, and it was a complete
speedtrap. The cop was fairly nice, although it was obvious he wasn’t going to let me talk my way out of it.
Two points and $90. It sucks majorly, but I’m going to get paid soon, so my balance will be right about up
there.
Anyone interested in carting me to the Radiohead show on the 25th will deserve my eternal gratitude.
Especially [3]people that I know who already have tickets. My birthday’s on the 24th, too, so I’m hoping to
get some bucks for that, which means I can get a scalped ticket regardless of the price.
Okay, I need to get back to work now. Love to all.
1. mailto:[email protected]
2. http://livejournal.com/~lostheaven
3. http://livejournal.com/~laurenoid
casey (2003-08-20 14:30:06) observations
Hey, I¼ve gotta be admired for my amazing pseudo-artsiness the first day. It¼s funny, I showed up at
college believing it would be like a Pavement concert– crowds and crowds of emo boys and girls, indie boys and girls,
and the occasional frat boy who wants to hear ”Cut Your Hair.” Then I got to college and I realized that it was more
like high school– I¼m surrounded by just as many loud, annoying morons, and have trouble finding people who have
decent taste in anything. I think that in the long run, my chances might be a little better in finding cool people, but
for now it¼s like high school minus the fact that I knew everyone.
kevincarter (2003-08-20 16:48:07) Re: observations
Casey, while I must say that I¼m somewhat discouraged by your observations of Purdue so far, thanks for offering
them anyway. At this point, I think I realize that not everyone in college is going to have a ton in common with
me. Lately, I¼ve also begun to understand that not everyone who has everything in common with me is going to be
someone I like. Anyway, thanks for the tips, as I think they¼re going to give me a more realistic idea of what my
expectations should be. Hope things start going better for you at school. -K
casey (2003-08-20 17:02:44) Re: observations
The funny thing is that I haven¼t actually had a bad time. I¼ve actually been having a good time, overall...
Really the only thing bothering me in any way is the idea that being neighbors in a dorm is any different from being
neighbors on a street– people come by all the time with boring small talk, patronizing attitudes like I¼m not cool
enough to talk to normally, and blunt questions on how they can fix their computers. We¼ve started to circumvent
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this problem by closing the door all the time. :P In general, college is going to be a lot of fun. I already know quite
a few good friends down here, and I think I¼ll make some more through them or through my classes... Maybe the
fact that I¼ve been complaining about all the orientation crap that we¼ve been running around doing makes it
seem like things suck. But they don¼t... I actually had a long talk with someone recently about friends and having
things in common– it seems like the friends that I am closer to are the ones who don¼t play video games and have
distinctly different taste than me in... well, almost everything. Hope things go well for you. We can keep comparing
notes these precious first weeks.
cafe aulait (2003-08-20 14:37:27)
We must meet up this weekend!
kevincarter (2003-08-20 16:50:41)
I agree completely... those first few days are going to be rather lonely, I think, and it would be wonderful to have someone to go to coffee with. Along with my e-mail designed specifically to amuse you, I¼ll send along my dorm/phone
number. We move in tomorrow, so stop reading this and get packing! Right now, I¼m gathering up all of my
Jefferson County Library material to take it back. This is so weird. -K
cafe aulait (2003-08-20 17:17:24)
I did!! Sort of. Really. *looks around the room and sees crap everywhere* I don¼t think my roommate is going to
enjoy my habits. :) There is the Hard Drive cafe in Kittredge right next to my dorm, and I wanted to check out the
UMC a bit more so we could sometime, probably Sunday :)
plastichope (2003-08-20 16:25:55)
i have a huge Kid A poster i got at independent records. where¼d you get yours? i don¼t think i¼ve ever seen the
OK Computer one. i¼m going to the Radiohead concert too. well, at least i¼m going to be outside seeing if i can
get tickets. maybe i¼ll see you there. well, maybe you¼ll see me there. it¼s hard to see someone if you don¼t
know what they look like. :p
kevincarter (2003-08-20 16:52:11)
Yeah, I¼m planning on the scalping route myself. Hopefully, some nice capitalist dog profiteer will sell me something.
Oh, I got my BEAUTIFUL OK Computer poster at Black and Read, the coolest record store in the suburbs, bar
none. Independent Records just can¼t match it. Highly recommended for you kids who are stuck in Arvada for
another couple of years. :) 80th and Wadsworth, by Target. -K
flicker (2003-08-20 18:21:39)
Dang–uh I¼ll be up in Fort Collins and I¼m in about the same situation; no ticket, no ride, but I sure do love
that Radiohead. Good luck.
pipster uwyo (2003-08-20 20:39:34) Macrocyclic Trichothecenes from Brazilian Baccarin Species
I don¼t even know how to pronounce that, let alone what it means. Although, I¼m pretty sure that ”Baccarin” has
something to do with bacteria. Good luck in school, like you need it, you literary genius you. :)
laurenoid (2003-08-20 20:57:18)
”I have a Jack Kerouac poster with my favorite quote from On the Road on it.” me too! silver? from black and read?
i thought so. i¼m bringing that one, an amelie poster, a vintage sevilla feria poster, and 2 pumpkins posters. morgan
is bringing a radiohead and a nirvana. also, a gecko.
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kevincarter (2003-08-20 21:29:37)
I¼m jealous of your Amelie poster already, especially if it¼s that really cute picture of Audrey doing the looking at the camera thing. Sigh. Oh, and are you talking about <a href=”http://content.barewalls.com/preview/0587012501p.jpg”>this poster</a>? If so, very cool. Didn¼t know Morgan was that much of a hipster. If
you¼re interested, speaking of hipsters, they¼re showing Christopher Durang¼s brilliant Sister Mary Ignatius
Explains it All to You at the UMC on... I think... Friday. Maybe we could get a bunch of the cool Pomona
crew to go? -K
laurenoid (2003-08-21 07:07:21) feria poster
nope–actually, they have several posters each year, and we went to this little shop in sevilla that had ALL of them,
even dating back to the turn of the (last) century. the old ones were like, $400! the one i got is a copy of the one
from 1942, with a woman in a big pink flamenco dress and a dapper spanish man dancing with her. so coooooooool!
i¼d be up for seeing sister mary–although they¼re playing american pie 1 &2 at 9 on the field, so i kinda want to
go to that too. hehee.
1.4.10
The first college entry. (2003-08-23 12:49)
Changes seem irreversible right now. Already, I’m missing everyone and feeling out of touch with a lot of
people in The Group, but that may be for the better in some ways. I mean, all of us are growing even though
we’re apart. This move has been difficult for me because I finally felt comfortable with my friends and my
surroundings. Then, I was uprooted again. What I’m writing right now doesn’t exactly reflect my mood.
Rather, they’re just some realizations that I’ve been coming to lately.
I need a haircut horribly. My sideburns are unbearably long, and the only thing that’s providing me with
the ability not to have a haircut is the much-loathed or much-loved beret, depending on who you talk to.
First college impressions so far: things are absolutely beautiful here. The people are ridiculously nice,
for the most part, and CU seems to do a good job of integrating the student body as much as possible.
I’ve gotten my books for classes (although three out of the five courses I’m taking don’t even give you a list
of books), and I’m ready to go. My birthday’s tomorrow, and I can’t believe it. Should I register Green,
Democrat, or Independent? I really don’t know at this point. I’ve also been looking into Libertarianism a
little (not the Ayn Rand variety, so don’t worry) but its economic and completely anti-governmental ideology
really scared me away. We don’t need no government, for God’s sake. We need a better government, one
that will provide societal welfare to the people in it. Even though sometimes we want to tear it up, all of us
have an obligation to fulfill our end of the social contract, or so it seems.
Anyway, a recap of what’s gone on up here so far is in order, I think. Moved up, got settled, went to
a Casino Night thing at the UMC and met some very cool British people and a guy named Scully who was
really cool. Also hung out around a girl I [1]met at orientation for a while. (Oh, and if you read that post,
most of it was unintentionally lies. She wasn’t too much like Kate, upon reflection, and of course I was
interested in her and not over Kate.)
Then, yesterday, I went to lunch, made an ass of myself by spilling water all over the table, and sat with
some really nice people. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I met a kid named Noah who seems really cool.
Does quite a few drugs, I think, but isn’t a stereotypical pothead. For instance, he was drunk last night, and
I wouldn’t even have known any better. Cool guy, and he’s pretty into computers, too. He’s a CS player, in
fact, so it might be kinda cool to play a couple of videogames every once in a while.
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My roommate’s a good guy, it seems like. We don’t have a whole helluvalot in common, as he brought
”Crossroads” the movie, along with some Metallica albums to school. He is an English major, though, and
he borrowed my copy of Catch 22, so there’s still a chance that we’ll connect on some level. Also, it might
even be better not to be too buddy-buddy with your roommate. Maybe we should just let the other person
have his own space.
Hung out with Spencer Essey last night and saw Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You by Christopher
Durang. It was hilarious, really, and very well-done. Well, okay, it wasn’t too well-done. (it was medium rare
haha) After that, I hung out in the dorm with some people and went to coffee with [ LJ User: cafe aulait
], where we talked politics, philosophy, movies, and music. But they had only been working it for five days,
which was very impressive. For instance, some of the lines that the actress playing Sister Mary said were
bobbled a bit. I’m a pretty forgiving audience member, though.
Signed up for men’s chorus, too, which will be on Monday nights from 7-9:30. Should be great fun. I’m also
considering trying out for In The Buff, the a capella group up here. Might be interesting.
I’m reading Chaucer right now and enjoying it a lot, although the book I have has a crappy modern translation that doesn’t keep the rhyme scheme or anything, so I’m just reading the Middle English and referring
to the translation when I have to.
Seriously, if anyone would like to get together up here, feel free to give me a buzz. (303) 786-0031. Also,
drop by whenever you’d like. I’m in Willard 274.
1. http://www.livejournal.com/users/kevincarter/8640.html
the chuck (2003-08-23 14:35:08)
first off, take your roommate¼s movie and toss it out the window. be sure to scratch it up quite bit, though, as no
one should ever watch it. and secondly, im with you a hundred percent on what you said about the group. just as
we¼re getting comfortable with the people around us, it¼s all gone in a day. and it sucks.
lostheaven (2003-08-23 18:57:45)
1) go republican 2) only one person likes the beret...you. 3) go for in the buff, zach is trying out for that too. HAHAHA! YOU COULD ALWAYS BE AROUND ZACH!!! 4) I may possibly be coming up tomorrow. So... there you
go.
pipster uwyo (2003-08-23 20:52:41)
I didn¼t know your birthday is tomorrow! Happy Birthday! Finally, someone who is younger than me. Although,
you¼re still taller. It¼s just not fair. Everyone¼s taller than me. I went Democrat, mostly because my parents are
Republicans. I¼m glad you¼re enjoying college. And now that I know where you live, Mollye and I may be by to
see you! :)
happy birthday
There are three a capella men¼s groups, the Buffoons and Bufferzone are the others. You should try out for all of
them! I never knew you sang, my sister and some of her friends are in the collegiate choir. I¼m glad the adjustment
is going well for you, my sister seems to feel the same way, then again, she has me around to help things along. If
you ever have any questions or need anything, I¼d be happy to help you out, my e-mail is [email protected] p.s.
berets are definitely cool.
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1.4.11
Second College Entry (2003-08-25 20:05)
Okay, it’s probably a good idea to reconsider this whole subject line thing, since it might get slightly repetitive. Things are wonderful up here! Finished the first day of classes, and of course, I have to give you a
rundown.
LINGUISTICS 1500: English Grammar: As I’m a complete English grammar buff, this class should
be fascinating. My professor, whose name I couldn’t pronounce, was very cool. Apparently, she’s a grad
student who’s teaching the course for the first time. However, she seems to have a grip on the material, is
really friendly, and should be good. One of the only things I picked up on during the first day that I didn’t
really like had to do with her dismissal of rules as a proper way of handling grammar. I mean, of course the
rules can be broken at times, but I think they’re a way of preserving clarity. Inchoate sentences generally
result from a lack of adherence to grammatical principles. Maybe Faith’s absurd approach to education stuck
with me after all. ”Hammer it into them, and they’ll do great.”
ENGLISH 2000: Literary Analysis: I am an English nerd, plain and simple. I am going to adore
this course. We’re reading a lot of stuff I’ve read before, but it’s still okay. My teacher sounds like she’s
going to be a historicist, largely, but we’re reading some amazing stuff, so I’m excited.
This entry is cut short, because I think I’m heading to Pearl St., but I’ll continue later.
arundel (2003-08-26 03:51:58)
I hope you¼re enjoying your first few days at college. The classes you¼re taking would make me wet myself if I had
the chance to take them.
1.4.12
Last post continued. (2003-08-26 12:12)
More about my Literary Analysis course. I think the teacher thought I was sucking up to her or something
the whole time, but instead, a couple of other kids and the class and I were just expressing our interest in
reading and literature. The teacher asked us to introduce ourselves by saying the last book we read. Most
people’s last book, it seemed like, was On the Road, which I found cool. Surprisingly, a majority of the
class was juniors and sophomores, which is cool, because they seemed more insightful on the whole about
the readings. Almost everything in the curriculum I’ve already read, aside from a few short stories, Dracula,
some Sherlock Holmes, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Kind of a bizarre mix of popular books with good
ones, or so it seems. I mean, Stephen King wrote the intro to the collection of Frankenstein, Dracula, and
Dr. Jekyll that we’re reading, which might indicate Dracula’s quality. Although it may not. I mean, I think
Frankenstein is my favorite nineteenth century novel as of yet. Looks to be a great course, at any rate.
ENGLISH SOMETHING-OR-OTHER: Introduction to Creative Writing. Okay, so the first
day reminded me a little bit of David Sedaris’ experience as a teacher in the classroom. She has us do this
exercise where we wrote make-believe stories about our classmates and shared them with the class before we
actually introduced ourselves. It was pretty cool, for the most part, but you could tell that not much effort
went towards planning that first day. I really hope to God that I can get in here.
EMUS SOMETHING: Men’s Chorus. These guys are frickin’ good. We sight-read pieces yesterday that were probably better than the performance quality of when we did them in Advanced Men’s. Even
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”When I Was A Lad” by Gilbert & Sullivan. Like, I even had a little trouble sightreading some of the stuff,
and those were my highest marks for the all-state audition. Of course, a lot of them are music majors, so
I’m not too concerned with my lack of ability. I mean, I’m only getting a paltry English degree that won’t
help me get a job.
AAS 3110: The Asian-American Experience. This particular class is my only one on Tuesdays and
Thursdays. Thoroughly enjoyed it today. We have an Indian professor, but it seems like she’s going to be
focusing mostly on SE Asian studies. Seems like a brilliant woman. She’s definitely a cultural relativist of
sorts, as well as a historical revisionist. (Revisionism gets a bad wrap from the Nazis who exploited it.)
Looks to be fascinating and not too hard, either. I’m kind of worried, because it’s a junior level course, so I
hope I’ll do okay.
There’s something else I want to tell everyone about, but I’m working right now, so it will have to wait
until later. Ta ta, until then.
wulfmadchen (2003-08-26 12:00:26)
Eh...If an English degree proves anything, it¼s that you can write, which is useful for alot of jobs. That said, what
do you want to do when you ”grow up”?
ecredes (2003-08-26 15:46:17) ..
hahahaha... sorry in advance.
kevincarter (2003-08-27 00:38:32) Re: ..
Tap frickin¼ tap. -K
kevincarter (2003-08-27 00:20:06)
I absolutely agree. Majoring in English for me is all about understanding others and their experiences. By examining
a culture¼s literature, I think we can glean a lot about their identity and how others view them. When I ”grow up,”
I¼d like to do a number of things, including but not limited to practicing law, writing, editing, journalism, politics,
and teaching. What I¼ve found out through studying other people¼s experiences in the working world so far is
that, in the Fight Club sense, YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB. So I¼m looking forward to having the opportunity to
do a lot of things, basically. -K
pipster uwyo (2003-08-26 21:00:52)
Dracula is one of my all-time favorite books. I read the entire thing in three days. Frankenstein, I didn¼t really
like. Although that was probably because we read the SparkNotes version in Mr. Murray¼s class...thank God for
AP English. As it turns out, I probably won¼t make it up to CU before I leave for Wyoming. Sorry. I¼ll be back
in October though. Perhaps I¼ll see you all then. :)
kevincarter (2003-08-27 00:29:09)
Murray sounds like he was a lousy teacher, because it must be damnably difficult to ruin as amazing of a book
as Frankenstein is. The horror and awe that it inspires is difficult to explain, I think. The Creature¼s
desolation mirrors that of the Romantics, I think, who were aesthetes but were rarely appreciated for beauty of their
own. I¼m sure I¼ll catch you in October when you come back. Looking forward to hearing all about Laramie! -K
kevincarter (2003-08-27 00:39:30)
One more thing. That Good Charlotte guy on that usericon looks like a drunken fratboy oaf. I love ya, Emily! -K
100
pipster uwyo (2003-08-27 20:50:11) Speaking of drunken boys...
You suck. Murray was a waste. Perhaps I should reread Frankenstein. I¼ll probably get more out of it if I read it
again. I repeat, you suck. See you in October. :)
1.4.13
When in Rome... (2003-08-26 20:38)
Last night was pretty great, really, but I’m pretty sure that a few of my friends are going to look down
on me for this post. It’s not at all going to be a common occurrence, but it was a lot of fun and a brand
new experience to boot, which has kind of become my mantra here over the last few weeks. Experience is
something I’ve craved, and I sure got my fair share of it last night.
If you don’t want to lose respect for my morals, don’t keep reading. If you’re really curious about what’s
going on in my life, do.
We get high in back seats of cars
We break into mobile homes
We go to sleep to shake appeal
Never wake up on our own
–Spoon, ”The Way We Get By”
So, after I got off of AIM last night, I thought that a couple of my friends and I were going to head
over to the Pearl Street Mall. Apparently, though, the busses down there on a Monday night don’t run until
past 10 PM, so we bagged that whole idea. Instead, we hung out in Carr and Matt(?)’s room, even though
Carr wasn’t there at all. There are so many Matts up here that I can barely keep them straight, but I think
his name is Matt. Really cool guy with good taste (complimented me on my Kerouac poster/Blonde on
Blonde the first day). At any rate, there were a few people in there and he offered me a beer. I responded
with, ”That’s all right,” but he didn’t know whether to take that as a yes or no. Obviously, I meant it as a
no, but I confirmed that I answered in the affirmative. I mean, what the hell, right? Might as well enjoy a
little of the college experience.
So, I had a couple of beers and probably had a light buzz. I mean, it wasn’t like I was stumbling around
on the floor or anything, but I felt pretty social. So, we headed over to Cheyenne-Arapaho and went to
these guys’ room for a while, where we just hung out and chatted. Then, we headed down to the first floor
of my dorm, where I talked with a really cool girl I had already met, named Mallory. She’s an art major
from Upstate New York – which, of course, reminds me of ”Southern California Wants to be Western New
York” by Dar Wliliams – and seems really interesting. There’s a depth there that I can definitely feel, so we
casually flirted a little and got to know each other a bit better. Although I’m not sure if she’s dating a guy
on that floor, since they seem pretty close, I figure I might as well get to know her better regardless. After
a while, we headed back upstairs.
A guy named Noah – definitely one of my better friends up here as of yet, because he’s a lot like me,
being an INFP and a Goon to boot – was buying pot through one of the other guys on the floor. My roommate and he were buying a bag together, and Noah offered to let me in on it. Because I’d been interested in
it for a while, I agreed, and I offered a little of some snacks I had as means of barter. Mallory wanted a piece
of cake, so I hooked her up with that, and then Noah, Fraser, Matt with a question mark, Andrew, and I
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came into my room. We grabbed Matt’s bong. Then, we opened a window, turned on the fan, put a towel
under the door, and people started smoking. I went to find a good album. Finally, after some deliberation
about what I wanted to hear and considering the musical taste of people around me, I picked The Final Cut
by Floyd. Since that didn’t go over too well, mostly because the music on the album is too off and on, I
went with the quintessential Blonde on Blonde. No, I didn’t think about the fact that ”Rainy Day Women”
has the ultimate pothead lyric, ”Everybody must get stoned” in it. I just love the album. ”Sad Eyed Lady
of the Lowlands” was my anthem for a while.
At first, I didn’t feel anything other than a sort of quickening of my eyes. I just felt a little drowsy, it
seemed like. I was worried that we’d gotten screwed over or something, and that it wasn’t real pot, for a
while. After that, though, it definitely started kicking in. I didn’t know what to expect. I just thought it
was more of a cerebral high. Instead, it ended up being... I don’t know... very physical. Warm rushes down
my body, especially sensitive in my feet. It was very different than I expected. I grabbed my notebook and
really didn’t write anything coherent other than that it felt like tiny feathers tickling the hairs all over my
body. I think at some point, I had a vague conception that there were fairies or something holding these
feathers, but I never actually hallucinated them or anything. Also, I wrote that the sensation was at some
point between samsara and nirvana, yet they were amalgamated somehow. My first thought was that it felt
like a sort of dull – but certainly not unexciting – orgasm all over my body that just continued for about two
hours or so. I went through bizarre periods during the whole ordeal. First, I was just silent and kind of feeling
the different sensations throughout my body. After that, I grabbed my notebook and started writing pretty
furiously. Then, there were a few minutes when I was almost completely quiet. Contemplative. I stared at
things for ridiculously long periods of time. It was weird as hell, but I think it gave me some well-needed
perspective about things. It reminded me a lot of the medication I was on when I had dry sockets after my
wisdom teeth were pulled out. Then came a little bit of paranoia, but it was definitely bearable, seeing as
how I’m paranoid almost all of the time anyway. It was, at one point, swearing I heard a knock on the door.
Next, it sounded like someone was yelling at us, saying, ”Hey, guys!” Then, sirens in the distance. Then, just
as quickly as it came, it faded into oblivion. At this point, everybody else went to bed, other than Noah
and me. Well, no, Andrew was still awake at that point. It was probably about 1:00. We played Floyd’s
Obscured by Clouds next, which was amazing. Honestly, Waters must have designed that record for people
when they were high. Finally, I started getting more social, and Noah and I talked for a while. The strange
part is that there were silences I usually would have filled by babbling, but I didn’t really feel like it too
much. Then, we listened to Aphrodite for a while, and Noah got his raving lights, which was amazing. The
sensory aspect of it was phenomenal. There’s no way I could have possibly written anything of quality on
it, though. After a while, Noah left, since it was about 3:30 and he had an 8:00 class. I had a 9:30, which
wasn’t as bad, but still wasn’t any picnic.
I woke up today feeling extremely groggy and lightheaded. I thought it was the weed at first, but later,
after a nap, I realized that it was just exhaustion. There wasn’t any kind of letdown after smoking or anything. Okay, but here’s the thing: I probably won’t do it again. Certainly not soon. It was great, sure, but I
felt less articulate than I ever have in my entire life. At times, I even felt like the stereotypical stoner, which
I really hated. I was commenting on my Radiohead poster and said something like, ”Wow, I’d never really
realized it before, but society actually wants us to be pigs in a cage on antibiotics.” Thankfully, I still had
my wits about me enough to make fun of myself for waxing philosophical while stoned. Then, I think I was
talking about the man keeping us down for a while, but not in quite that same language. Finally, I stopped
all of my stoner babbling by converting into stoner voice saying, ”Yeah, man, it’s like 1984 is actually here,
man.”
An intense experience, and it’s one I’ll certainly remember. Don’t think that I’m going to turn into token pothead, though. I was actually more intelligent, I think, than most people are while intoxicated. Still,
it wasn’t a good feeling not to completely have control over myself. I’ll probably try other stuff, according to
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Nancy Reagan, since marijuana is a gateway drug, or whatever. There’s no addiction whatsoever, whether
it be physiological or psychological. I feel clear-headed again. But I think I’m starting to open my eyes to
what it feels like to grow as a person. I think it was personal growth of some sort, even though I didn’t
like all of it. If nothing else, I can write memoirs about drug usage like Burroughs, gonzo journalism like
Thompson, or poetry like Coleridge.
Thanks for getting to the end of this entry if you actually did. I’ll post a little more later, maybe even
a transcription of what I wrote in my journal. Love to everyone.
casey (2003-08-26 21:38:04) hmm
Hmm. I¼m really intrigued by that, if only because I¼ve never had a drink or smoked anything. I¼ve thought
about it a lot over the past couple years as I know more people who do, and I¼ve decided that I¼m not particularly
morally opposed to either– I just don¼t trust myself to handle either one responsibly. So congratulations. I think
it¼s always good to have new experiences– as long as you make sure you¼re safe doing them. I¼m a big supporter
of making sure that when my friends are going to be drinking, they¼re drinking in a safe place with people they are
safe around.
kevincarter (2003-08-27 00:15:59) Re: hmm
I totally understand where you¼re coming from. Before I came up to campus, I never drank and never smoked, albeit
the occasional cigar with friends. (Yes, I know it sounds like a republican businessman thing to do, but I prefer the
taste to that of cigarettes.) To be perfectly honest, I don¼t plan on trying anything else that would really impair my
consciousness, although I am somewhat interested in peyote, just because I read The Doors of Perception
by Aldous Huxley and was intrigued by it so much. Also, I didn¼t want to drink enough last night to get drunk.
I wanted to see what kind of a person I became when I was a little tipsy. I was a lot more social, definitely, and I
seemed to have a little easier time relating to people. -K
ex turbulenc506 (2003-08-26 22:37:30)
Experimenting is fine, as long as you¼re careful. I realize I don¼t know you that well, but reading your journal you
seem, well...pretty brilliant, so I hope you don¼t make a habit out of it. (I¼m an INFP too. Cheers.)
kevincarter (2003-08-27 00:26:38)
Trust me... I plan on being careful. Right now, life is extraordinarily precious to me, and I¼m not planning on
endangering that in any way. Thanks for the compliment on my supposed ”brilliance.” I don¼t agree with you, of
course, but that¼s very nice of you. I promise that I won¼t make a habit out of it. I¼ve seen too many people
ruin their lives by developing a psychological addiction to pot. Plus, a certain Darren Aronofsky film tends to sway
me away from addictive drugs of any type, which is why I¼ve been trying to cut down on my caffeine consumption.
(Yes, that was a Jim¼s Big Ego reference.) I love reading your journal entries, and we ought to talk on AIM or
something sometime. I¼m rarely on, as I don¼t yet have a computer up here, but soon! -K
ex turbulenc506 (2003-09-06 23:02:54)
I¼m sorry it took me this long to reply. Livejournal decided not to forward your comment to me. That jerk. Brilliant and modest...an excellent combination, I¼d say. I¼m glad to hear you¼re being careful. I¼ve never done
pot (I have a practically nun-like lifestyle), but it–and other drugs–really changed a close friend of mine. Jim¼s Big
Ego, mm? You keep getting cooler and cooler. My dad¼s...friend¼s...son is in that band. Um, I think
that was the connection... You love reading my journal entries? Aww...but I¼m so painfully boring in journal!
Thanks, though. On AIM, I¼m noitcelfer2001. Talk to you soon, hopefully.
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the chuck (2003-08-26 23:35:00)
interesting. i, too, want to try marijuana, if only to see what the hype is about. unfortunately, ash told me that
she¼d be hugely disappointed in me if i did it, and also, i can¼t really find anyone to do it with. i think i¼d have a
very similar experience to what you did, mostly because i hate when i¼m not in control. trying out other stuff might
be risky, though... your call. :/
kevincarter (2003-08-27 00:33:50)
My experience with marijuana was really very enjoyable overall, although there were some definite downsides, including inarticulate behavior, drowsiness, and the ubiquitous munchies. Sidenote: I¼d give the Ash thing a break for a
while. I know it doesn¼t necessarily help for me to tell you that, but I¼m not sure it¼s working for you. Seems
like she¼s too restrictive on things she doesn¼t like, plus she¼s a wishy-washy high schoolesque girl, a brand I¼m
losing patience for very quickly. -K
bileograph (2003-08-27 00:06:04)
First off, Blonde on Blonde is really great. Secondly, I never thought marijuana was good crux to rest a literary image
on. Hrm. Come to think of it, I guess I don¼t really believe much in a literary image anyway. After one night of
heavy drinking followed with suhmoking up. I couldn¼t concentrate for the next two days afterwards. Liquor I guess
has always been my preferred poison. It just kind of liberates my more desperate capacities – transformed into a
clumsy babbling emotional oaf... but I can¼t write drunk either. Anyway Kudos in your first big college experience,
and even keeping a well-documented account of it! Live and Be Safe.
kevincarter (2003-08-27 00:37:51)
Blonde on Blonde is probably my favorite Dylan album right now, although I haven¼t heard (and am
longing to hear) Blood on the Tracks. There are just so many wonderful songs on it. Even silly, short
little ones like ”Leopard Skin Pill Box Hat” was spellbinding. It began my journey into the entire blues songform.
Wonderful stuff. Drinking has ruined many authors¼ careers, or so it seems. Kerouac was never the same after he
started heavily, heavily drinking, and IIRC, neither was Fitzgerald. I bet if I did heavy drinking, I¼d have almost
the exact same reaction to it as you. It¼d make me a sentimental bastard, in all likelihood. I plan to follow your
maxim, too. -K
noodleboi (2003-08-27 05:09:39)
Interesting story, Kev. ;] There¼s nothing wrong with experimenting, as long as you know what you¼re doing (and
obviously, you handle it well). I¼ve experimented with different drugs myself, including two of the most amazing
mushrooms trips that cannot even be described with words. Of course the whole deal has downsides... I¼ve been so
drunk that I couldn¼t keep it all inside. Only three times, luckily, and the last time was 1.5 years ago. I can handle
it all now.
kevincarter (2003-08-27 15:44:58)
I agree that there¼s nothing wrong with experimenting, particularly with drugs that aren¼t physically dangerous
to you. Shrooms might be a different deal, since sometimes, you¼re not quite sure of the exact effects. Reading
some stuff about X laced with LSD and other drugs has made me a little worried about trying anything else, and
rightly so. -K
noodleboi (2003-08-28 03:42:19)
I¼ve never been too excited about chemical drugs, myself. I¼ve never done XTC (except for the herbal variant,
Yellow Jackets), coke, meth or whatever, even though some of my friends use it sometimes. As for the think you
said about cigars – I agree. :D I don¼t like the taste of ciggarettes at all, but cigars actually taste pretty nice and
I sometimes smoke them with some friends while watching a movie. :]
104
whitcomb (2003-08-27 11:35:23)
I remember one of the first times I smoked... I started to feel really (physically) heavy, so I went into my room and
laid down on my bed and listened to Dark Side of the Moon and just laughed for a full hour. Hate to tell
you this, but yes, all Pink Floyd albums are designed specifically for drugs.
kevincarter (2003-08-27 15:47:10)
See, I didn¼t go through the compulsive laughter at all. Oh, and regrettably, I didn¼t have a copy of Dark Side,
since it¼s my dad¼s vinyl copy. Thus, I had to deal only with the supplementary Floyd material that I bought independently, which excludes Meddle, DSOTM, Wish You Were Here, Animals,
and The Wall. That sucked. I always liked Floyd beforehand, anyway. :) -K
whitcomb (2003-08-28 11:59:51)
I think my favorite Floyd album is probably either Animals or else Wish You Were Here. They¼re
the only two I can still stand. You probably didn¼t smoke enough to get really fried (which isn¼t necessarily a
bad thing). The worst thing is when you¼re so stoned you keep forgetting to take a hit, and you just sit there
holding the pipe/bong for half an hour, watching Powerpuff Girls or some such. Yeah, I liked Floyd before I ever
did drugs... but now that I¼ve stopped smoking pot, et al., I can¼t even listen to most of it.
I really enjoyed reading about your experience. I remember the first time that I ever smoked pot (which turned into
a habit for a while– I haven¼t smoked for years now). I wish that I had written an account of it like yours. It seems
that you were very aware of your body and its changes, which is definitely important.
kevincarter (2003-08-27 15:54:47)
Thanks... I¼m really glad to hear that you enjoyed the entry. Sometimes, I think that I¼m wasting people¼s time
by putting this journal online rather than writing it all down in a secret notebook, but I think we can learn things
from other people, too. Do you think your habit was physical, somewhat, or just psychological? I mean, did you
physically crave the feelings of getting high? I think awareness is one thing that the experience helped cultivate.
I¼m becoming less and less self-conscious as I become more conscious of myself. :) -K
Wasting people¼s time? Hardly. Nobody HAS to read it. They may be wasting their own time. I wouldn¼t
consider your journal a waste of time at all, I enjoy it. I think my habit was mostly... psychological. I was very
depressed at that time, and the people I was friends with were total potheads. I was addicted to the escape, I think.
(2003-08-27 15:14:32) OOPS
What i meant to say is, bravo.
kevincarter (2003-08-27 15:56:12) Re: OOPS
Ah, an anonymous commenter. Who is this? I like letting people comment anonymously because LJ accounts aren¼t
free anymore, but still... I¼m curious. :) -K
your atmosphere (2003-08-27 15:49:26)
The few times that I have smoked pot have left me with a weird impression of myself. I never felt paranoid, I just felt
like I had retreated into myself. I knew exactly what was going on the entire time, but it was like I was sitting inside
my head while some unknown part of me controlled my body. The experience you had with like writing really fast,
happened to me. I pulled out my notebook and wrote about 3 pages of nothing. And now looking back, it all made
total sense to the ¼outside me¼ Wow. That makes me sound real crazy. Eek. But yeah, I don¼t like doing pot
because I feel vulnerable to everyone and that is my worse fear. But it wasn¼t horrible. I remember just liking the
105
feeling of letting in the smoke. Didn¼t like it enough to do it very often. But the fact is, my class are big potheads,
and if I wanted some, I could get some. Scary to me, but true. Don¼t think I¼ve commented before, but here I am.
-Rach
kevincarter (2003-08-27 15:59:05)
Thanks for commenting, Rach! I¼ve been thoroughly enjoying reading your journal, and if I haven¼t yet, I¼ve
meant to comment in yours as well. Freewriting like that doesn¼t sound crazy at all to me. That¼s the sort of
spontaneous prose that geniuses like Kerouac and Ginsberg were striving for. Sometimes, it can be quite beautiful.
This particular bit of freewriting, which I¼ll very likely post tonight, was different somehow. There were periods
where I felt like I was transcending something, and then there were periods where I was just writing like a goofy
stoner. Bizarre. As I¼ve mentioned, I don¼t plan to do it very often, but I think it was a good experience for me
altogether. -K
plastichope (2003-08-27 16:28:38)
i love that Spoon song. :D you know what? weed doesn¼t do much for me. some people say that they hate not
being in control of themselves, but i¼ve never had that problem before. alcohol is the thing that¼ll do that to you.
at least, for me. weed is more of a relaxor in my opinion. it makes things that you normally wouldn¼t find funny
halrious and everything seem alright. i still perfer alcohol though. yay for being sixteen and a drunkard. haha. i
think it¼s cool that you¼ve never done anything like that until now. some people grow up so fast doing that kinda
stuff and i sometimes wish i could feel that innocence again. but i guess there¼s no going back now. ;)
kevincarter (2003-08-29 13:26:55) Hmm.
Interesting that weed doesn¼t do as much for you as alcohol. It¼s been quite the opposite for me, as I obviously
reacted very strongly to one and have hardly felt the presence of the other. Even after having a few shots last night,
I didn¼t really feel anything out of the ordinary. I wouldn¼t say that everything felt alright when I was high, but
the time definitely passed very quickly. I also became rather lethargic and I guess you could say relaxed, although
there were certainly times when I wouldn¼t classify myself as relaxed either. Also, I find it ridiculously funny that
you¼re exceptionally more experienced than I am and two years younger to boot. -K
pipster uwyo (2003-08-27 20:47:19) I...
Actually, I don¼t quite know what to say. I¼m shocked. Maybe I shouldn¼t be, but...wow, I never thought that
I¼d read something like that in your journal. Bravo on trying new things, but why those new
things? Hmm, I think I¼ll go back to listening to my drunken fratboy¼s music. That¼ll bring the universe back to
normal. :)
corvidae (2003-08-27 23:44:23) Re: I...
Bravo on trying new things, but why those new things? I¼m in agreement with that part of
Emily¼s statement, although I can¼t really say I¼m surprised. I¼d rather experience things that don¼t leave
me with inhibitions, either temporarily or permanently.
corvidae (2003-08-27 23:45:33) Re: I...
...there was supposed to be a ”Personally” before ”I¼d.”
kevincarter (2003-08-29 13:31:29) Re: I...
Hey, Liana. Not quite sure what you mean by liking things that don¼t leave you with inhibitions. Are you saying
that you like things that take your inhibitions away? Or did you mean ”I¼d rather not experience things
that don¼t leave me with inhibitions”? Just curious, because that would kind of change the meaning of your post.
-K
106
corvidae (2003-09-01 15:48:19) Re: I...
...a bit late, but no. I¼m not sure how you got a completely backwards interpretation of my words, but, I like to
experience things that don¼t inhibit me in some way. Although now that I think of it, I think we¼re meaning
inhibititions in completely different manners, which is probably why you¼re confused. I¼m viewing things that
keep me from being how I am normally as being inhibiting, whereas I think you were thinking I meant that would
free me from sociatal(sp?) constraints. Clearer now? Or did I just make it worse...
kevincarter (2003-08-29 13:29:49) Re: I...
As I¼ve already responded to your post in your actual journal, I don¼t have too much to say to this post! :) I
don¼t think there¼s anything about smoking that¼s too damaging, so I tried it, and now I¼m not planning on
smoking anymore. Ha. Drunken fratboy music. I knew you were going to turn the tables on me with that one. I just
said that the guy looked like a drunken fratboy. If Blink 182 is just too edgy and hardcore punk for you, the band
you should listen to is Good Charlotte. :) Just a little music war, Emily. No offense. Oh, and I absolutely loved your
last Punk News Report. Your impression of me is pretty damned good. Very impressed. -K
(2003-08-28 18:15:01) Andrew?
Andrew? Which Andrew? Surely not Abalos... if so, I think my entire would would crumble. I wouldn¼t have
thought that you would have drank and smoked, but after that whole strip show night on the way back from DDR I
shouldn¼t be that surprised. But none the less it is a shock. You¼ve said you don¼t think you¼ll do it again any
time soon, but sill be carefull. Oh well, ones life style is their own. :) All that¼s left for you is gettin¼ laid, and
there better be a loooonnnngggg post for that one. ;) (yes it is an inuendo, Kevin Carter is hung like Ron Jeremy
Powell (again, inuendo :-* )) Also, since I don¼t have my own blog, I¼m hijacking Kevins. I took my first college
test evar and got a 83 % on it! huzzah!! T¼was for my nature and human value class, worst class evar. But getting
back to Kevin, do be careful. Even though we¼re all apart from each other, you are all still great friends to me and
I don¼t want anyone to get hurt. Later days, Jeremy
kevincarter (2003-08-29 13:38:36) Re: Andrew?
No, no, it wasn¼t Andrew Abalos. Instead, it was my roommate Andrew, a fellow English major and a nice guy.
We don¼t have too much in common, but we get along well and generally hang out around each other. The strip
joint thing was completely a joke, although it would have been fun to do. Although, judging from Kirk, Nick, and
Zach¼s experience, it doesn¼t sound too great to me. Plus, I have problems with the objectification of women blah
blah blah you don¼t really care about my feminist tendencies. :) Oh, god, you won¼t be able to read a post about
the first time I make love to a girl, because it will probably be the length of most doctoral dissertations. I wonder
how many characters Livejournal allows in a post... Is being hung like Ron Jeremy Powell anything like being hung
like this? <pre> Let r=length of Ron Jeremy¼s genitalia Let j=length of Jeremy Powell¼s genitalia r+j</pre>
If so, I have to plead the fifth. Congrats on your test! An 83 % at Mines is like a 147 % here. I¼m keeping safe,
so don¼t worry, Jeremy. If possible, some weekend, we should get a gathering of the group going at some central
location. I think that¼d be a lot of fun, as I miss talking to everyone on an extremely regular basis. -K
1.4.14
Sometimes, the Romans don’t know what’s going on. (2003-08-31 01:31)
With good experiences come bad. This is a bad one.
I’ve just realized that during the last week, other than social blogging, I haven’t written one word. I’ve
read about 45 pages of The Canterbury Tales, a few newspapers, and The Onion, and a few textbooks. Is
this what I came here for? Acting stupid all the time and partying constantly?
107
I wonder why we listen to poets, when nobody gives a fuck.
–Wilco, ”Ashes of American Flags”
As I walked down Broadway tonight after the football game, feeling pretty damned desolate, this line was
all I could hear in my mind. I started singing it over and over again like a mantra, but the mantra had no
answer within it. I was singing it over and over again, wondering why I listen to poets. Why I haven’t been
lately. On the way back, I thought I knew why, but now I don’t anymore. I’m going to play it on the piano
now and think about it.
I feel really horrible right now, and I’ll tell you why later.
-K
plastichope (2003-08-31 07:30:42)
hope you feel better. <3
kevincarter (2003-08-31 16:19:30)
Thanks... I honestly do. -K
pipster uwyo (2003-08-31 09:21:40) Romans? I never know what's going on.
Smile buddy. Life is good and you¼ll feel better. In the meantime, I still recommend the happy dance. I have a very
hard time believing that you act stupid all the time. 
kevincarter (2003-08-31 16:21:38) Re: Romans? I never know what's going on.
Oh, the Romans reference wasn¼t one to ancient cultures or the book in the Bible or anything like that. Instead,
I was alluding to the clichè, ”When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” I¼m pretty sure that accent mark is going
the wrong way. Life is good, and I do feel better, but there are some changes I need to make. It¼s all a matter of
adapting to this new life somehow. No, I don¼t act stupid all the time, but that¼s how it¼s seemed lately. And
we¼ll see about the happy dance. :) -K
pipster uwyo (2003-08-31 18:46:33) Re: Romans? I never know what's going on.
The accent mark is going the right way. At least it is according to my dictionary. Of course, this is the same
dictionary in which the definition of ”sin” is a page and a half...why do I know these things? Maybe I¼ll just do
the happy dance for you and scare all the other girls on this floor. I¼m glad you¼re feeling better. :)
(2003-08-31 11:05:38) Some of us give a fuck
Kevin, I¼ve definitely had my share of ”acting stupid” since we all got here, but i¼ve also had a good share of philosophical conversations, free-writing time, and short stories. College doesn¼t have to be all one or the other...and good
experience comes in many forms. Don¼t lose hope in yourself or the rest of us! [email protected]
kevincarter (2003-08-31 16:25:41) Re: Some of us give a fuck
Thanks, Lauren. You always seem to appeal to my senses of logic somehow. Philosophical conversations have been
few and far between, but they have certainly existed in the past week, perhaps more than before college. Alas, I
haven¼t yet done much writing up here, but I¼m planning to start. And, really, I guess I have learned a lot while
up here so far, even with regard to reading. It just doesn¼t seem like I have, because I¼ve been doing it for class
108
rather than independently. I promise that I¼m not losing hope in myself or others. Sometimes, I think I just like to
wallow in misery for a while, listen to horribly sad music, and read T.S. Eliot, thinking that I¼m such a miserable
human being and my art will never satisfy me. Of course, I wake up the next morning and feel fine. Generally, the
words I write here wouldn¼t be ones I would write to other people, but lately, I¼ve been discovering the necessity
of really sharing your emotions with others. So, while I¼m on an emotional rollercoaster most of the time, I think
it¼s pretty common. I¼ll be making good use of that e-mail address very soon. -K
bileograph (2003-08-31 21:10:37)
 Is this what I came here for? Acting stupid all the time and partying constantly? I¼m pretty sure there¼s
a part in Siddhartha where that was all he was doing.
kevincarter (2003-09-01 10:51:26)
Very interesting that you should say that, Billy, because in part of the journal entry that I wrote while high (in a
notebook that hasn¼t been typed up on here yet), I described the state I was in as ”an amalgamation of samsara
and nirvana.” Most of the journal entry wasn¼t nearly that deep, because I had a little trouble thinking clearly when
the physical sensations were rushing through my body, but that¼s what it felt like. Also wrote something about the
union between physical and spiritual, I think, that I had never really believed before. Although I¼m not a Buddhist
or a Gnostic, I think my views on transience have been pretty much the same as theirs over the past few years, and
their supposition that mortal life is inferior to spiritual life and self-actualization has stuck with me. How do I make
it to the next step? Siddhartha was able to. Perhaps I should heed Hesse¼s advice: ”It had to be found, the pristine
source in one¼s own self, it had to be possessed! Everything else was searching, was a detour, was getting lost.”
God, I need to give that book another read. -K
bileograph (2003-09-02 01:04:57)
How do I make it to the next step? Siddhartha was able to. Ah, but I¼m sure you¼ve heard of <a
href=”http://acidbitch.com/Maslow.html”>Maslow¼s Pyramid</a>, hanging around in all those forensic tournaments! You must (I say ¼must¼ as if I¼m in a position to know for sure) fulfil all your lower desires, before hitting
up for some self-actualization.
kevincarter (2003-09-02 10:46:59)
Ah, quite true. In fact, while doing LD, I consistently used Maslow¼s hierarchy as a core value. Yet, for me, the
question is how can I achieve each of these steps? For the most part, my physiological and safety based needs are
already taken care of. Right now, I¼m certainly wanting in both love and esteem based needs. However, I¼m
trying to get over those humps. Sometimes, though, I feel like I¼m in a rut. But it¼s not too late to get out of
it. -K
1.4.15
”After the party, you took me back to your parlour.” (2003-08-31 20:36)
Her palm glided across the curves no, waves – of her body. Some of the waves were torrential, blasting down
upon the ocean in a tempestuous, untamed bluster. Others were seiches, undulating calmly yet sinuously in
the early morning. All of them were aggravating, because I was standing far away and couldn t feel them
rush over me. The ocean was full and blocked off and I couldn t get in. All I experienced was what I saw,
and I knew I could never feel that water over my face.
Aphrodite Hetaera. The sacred whore. Beautiful and grotesque. Opposite of any woman I ever have
loved and would ever want to.
Her thighs, her hips, her thighs, her hips, her thighs.
109
She stopped, and just when I didn t want her to, she noticed me staring at her. She knew it the whole
time and was soliciting these stares from all the boys and even the girl in the room.
Her eyes, her lips, her eyes, her lips, her eyes.
Her feet didn t stop at all. They kept twirling and twirling and somehow she drew focus to them. Winding
and unraveling her skin and tantalizing everyone in the room. This time, she stared right at me, even while
she was talking. The hand of a football player one she almost certainly fucked forty-five minutes later –
was on her shin. Another boy had her precious foot in hand, her woolly socks on, still twirling. She knew
when to look and when not to look. When to move and when not to move.
She whispered in the football player s ear, hand in front of her mouth. Almost certainly bragging about
how much she was affecting me and everyone else in the room. Telling him how horribly uncomfortable we
all were sitting in our chairs, with the pretense of a conversation, watching this spectacle.
Last night, she stole Adderall pills from her friend s roommate, without hesitation. Horrible but different. One of the most corrupt people I’ve ever met. Made horribly unfunny jokes and spat out slices of
innuendo. Disgusting, but we still sat there, watching her, waiting for that next twitch of a finger that would
give us some warmth in the early morning before the sunrise.
1.5
1.5.1
September
Slightly more in depth college post. (2003-09-02 22:55)
Things are going quite, quite well up here. I’m settling in and getting an idea for what I should be doing
up here. Occasionally, it’s perfectly all right to have a little fun with friends. There’s also a bigger picture,
though, one that will require me to actually live a spiritual and intellectual life of some sort. It’s a matter of
balancing these things, which is difficult. I feel like during the last few years, I’ve concentrated far too much
on the spiritual and intellectual side of things rather than social development of any sort. So, now, when I’m
hanging out with people, it often seems too much. Sometimes it is, and sometimes it’s not, and part of this
newfound independence is making a determination as to whether it is or not.
With regard to my last entry, believe it or not, it was entirely real. I was hanging out in another person’s room and BAM. Sometimes, real life can be as interesting as the fictional world that I often like to live
in, I think.
First impressions of dorm life have been pretty darned swell. I have a lot of really, really nice people in
my hall.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE: (the leads, at least)
ANDREW, my roommate up here at Willard Hall Room 274 off of Broadway and Regent, is a really
nice guy. (Not that I’m dropping a hint for those of you who read this to come and visit me.) A really nice
guy, and we get along and hang out quite a bit. Our tastes in music aren’t very similar, but they overlap a
little, since Zeppelin and Floyd’s virtuoso type playing influenced metal strongly, and he’s a big metalhead.
Also seemed to like Mike Oldfield quite a bit when I was playing him the other day. While he’s quite dedicated, I’m guessing that he’ll eventually switch from being an English major. As far as I can tell, he’s having
problems analyzing the poetry in his basic Literary Analysis class. Granted, they’re difficult poems, as he’s
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reading Yeats, Roethke, Cummings, and others, but they’re certainly comprehendible. Anyway, he’s a good
guy, really. Very quiet. We haven’t talked that much, and I don’t really know that much about him, which is
odd, because I’m a pretty good small-talker for the most part. We’re quite a bit alike in actual living habits,
which is excellent, because I picture myself as someone who’s a bit hard to live with. I have been picking
up after myself, though, which is good. We’re both night owls and procrastinators, which means we really
can’t help each other out too much. He’s a great roommate, though, and I couldn’t have asked for better, I
don’t think. Part of being a good roommate is stretching the other person, plus it’s part of the whole college
experience.
NOAH’s a very cool guy that lives three doors down from me. We actually met on the way to Farrand Dining Hall the first day I was there, when he complimented me on my Velvet Underground shirt. As I
mentioned before, he’s also an INFP and a Goon, which is pretty cool. We’re actually talking about splitting
an account. $10. I should just buy it with my birthday money. At any rate, he listens to really good music
on the whole (DJ Shadow, Radiohead, The Beatles, and some other more esoteric hip-hop and rap stuff),
reads good books, and watches good movies. He actually borrowed my copy of On the Road the other day.
Constantly, we’re saying the same thing at once. At this point, Noah is probably one of my best friends up
here.
CADEN is Noah’s roommate. We hang out quite a bit. He’s an engineer, plays a little guitar, and is
pretty much the standard person up here, which is why I mention him. Likes to party a lot, but he still hits
the books at night. Smart guy, musical tastes are starting to encompass Zeppelin quite a bit, etc. Overall,
he’s pretty indicative of what most of the people up here have been like.
MAGGIE and NATALIE are also roommates and girls that I’ve been hanging out with a lot. They’re
not people that I ever would have envisioned being around, but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed getting to know
both of them. Pretty different people. Maggie reminds me of someone I can’t quite place my finger on. She’s
blonde, petite, and very pretty, kind of reminding me of a sorority girl at first glance. But she’s mysterious,
somehow, and most of us enjoy that mystery. She’s also very down to earth and didn’t ditch us the first
time that a guy started hanging on her. Can’t say the same for Natalie, but she’s a really cool person, too.
Not nearly as down to earth, from a very wealthy family (Prada bag), and can sometimes come off as bitchy,
but she has a pretty sweet interior, I think. These things amaze me, because I thought I’d befriend a bunch
of hipsters or at least emo kids up here, while all college kids have college characteristics. Hard to explain.
Speaking of hipsters, I’ve been talking a bit with a girl named KIRSTYN. When we initially met, she
actually asked me point-blank if I was ”deck.” From this, I assumed she’d perused the Hipster Handbook and
replied that I simply couldn’t tell her whether or not I was a hipster, because any answer would reveal that I
wasn’t. Very, very smart girl who’s read Hesse and Salinger and a little Kerouac, but she still has a ridiculous
crush on Brendan, the football player down the hall. Now, I like Brendan, because he’s a nice guy, but this
seems like the exact same thing that happened in high school. Whereas, for the most part, the social ladder
has been turned horizontally, this is one exception. She ate up everything he was saying the other night and
admitted to me that she had a big crush on him. Why? I mean, she’s clearly interested in more than just
social status and physicality. He claimed, of course lying, that he had written a novel, and he and I joked
about that later, but she completely bought it. A confusing case, but she’s a pretty cool girl nonetheless.
One more entry in the leads so far is MALLORY, the only listed person who’s not on my floor. She’s
a very interesting art major who has superb musical taste (Ani Difranco, Dar Williams, Radiohead, some
indieish stuff, eclectic rap and funk and reggae and punk) and excellent literary taste (Vonnegut and Tom
Wolfe) to boot. We’ve hung out quite a bit and hit it off well, but she’s pseudo-involved with a guy down the
hall who looks at me suspiciously if I ever write messages on her board or hang out in her room. She showed
me her notebook last night and I fell like a sucker. Very interesting collages and lots and lots of emotion.
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Plus Ani quotes all over the place. Sometimes, such an insignificant detail can give you so much insight into
a person’s mind.
That’s it for tonight’s post. Tune in next time when I give a reflection of my classes and maybe do a
little creative writing.
shinryuusith (2003-09-02 23:35:24)
You should get yourself on AIM once in a while. Or else.. uh.. something.
kevincarter (2003-09-03 10:17:53)
I know! The problem is that I don¼t yet have a computer. Thus, I¼m forced to use the ones in the dorm (two out
of three don¼t even support AIM Express) or the ones in the library during my job, which doesn¼t exactly allow
me chat time. In fact, it¼s pretty dangerous to Livejournal at that point. Soon, though, I¼ll have a laptop which
my dad is giving to me, so that¼ll be great. You can expect me to be on quite a lot at that point. -K
xcape reality03 (2003-09-03 08:10:42) Yay for Kevin
It sounds like you have really settled in up there. Good for you! And don¼t worry, I¼ll come and visit you. Pippy
and I will most definitely make an appearance...although, you may rethink inviting us once we¼re there...*smiles*.
Also, I¼m thinking of coming up to Boulder for my nineteenth birthday. It¼s sad that I am almost a year older
than you..oh well. Alright, now I¼m rambling.. Mollye
kevincarter (2003-09-03 10:18:59) Re: Yay for Kevin
Thanks for the congrats, Mollye. Things really are going great up here right now. I love academic life completely,
although that will likely change once I grow disenchanted with a teacher or two. Looking forward to seeing both you
and Emily. Feel free to come down any time! -K
pipster uwyo (2003-09-04 14:44:58) Re: Yay for Kevin
Well, I would come down ”any time,” but that would require stealing a car and driving two and a half hours to
Boulder, only to remember that I have no idea where your dorm is. HOWEVER, I shall come visit with the Mollye
in mid-October. Fear not.
wulfmadchen (2003-09-03 08:20:52)
Hey you, what does your class schedule look like, time-wise? I feel like giving you a call at some point, if for no other
reason than to hear your voice for the first time in about three years
kevincarter (2003-09-03 10:21:30)
Welp, let¼s see... I have class/work-study from 9-2 on MWF and 9:30-3 on most TRs. You should be able to reach
me most of the time in my room [the number is (303) 786-0031], but if I¼m not there, leave a message. Trust me;
calls from girls do wonders for your social status. Ha ha. Just kidding, Mol¼. I wouldn¼t dream of attempting to
use one of your phone calls to dazzle my roommate and friends. Not a bit. Seriously, I¼d love to hear from you. :)
-K
wulfmadchen (2003-09-03 10:29:07)
See, that¼s funny. It must not be a reciprocal thing. Torya could care less who¼s calling me (90 % of the calls
that come into our dorm are for her anyhow, I just end up playing secretary alot), and in previous years men on my
phone generally got me looked askance at. I guess it was a ”You¼re-as-much-a-butch-dyke-as-a-straight-girl-getswhat-do-you-nee d-with-talking-to-boys?” type of thing. Anyway, I¼ll prolly call ya either after I get back from
psych or after dinner.
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kevincarter (2003-09-03 13:36:52)
No, I don¼t suppose it would be much of a reciprocal thing. Just nice having someone other than your parents
or grandma call your dorm room, I think. Oh, and I¼m pretty sure I was channeling Andy from A.R. Gurney¼s
play Love Letters with regard to my message thing. He was at summer camp and wanted a girl, Melissa,
to write to him so he could go up at mail call and get a letter from her. Absolutely charming play, and it was one
of my favorites for a few years. If you¼d like me to call instead, so you don¼t have to pay ridiculous long distance
charges, we have a pretty reasonable rate in the dorm rooms. -K
1.5.2
(2003-09-04 13:37)
Now, this is a truly gutsy call. Attempting to update Livejournal in the office where I work while no one’s
around, with my back turned to the door. Dangerous. I’m living life on the edge. They probably wouldn’t
mind, seeing as how there’s not exactly a multitude of work for me to do as I’ve already gone through the
Norlin Stacks and sent books all over the country. One was even to Stanford today, and I imagined myself
as that Stanford student, prissy and angry that their prestigious library didn’t have the particular volume
they were seeking. Oh, and I sent one off to Jefferson County, too, my home library. *sniff* I remember
when I used to request books from CU through ILL. Those were the good ol’ days.
Yesterday, as I was reading [ LJ User: bileograph ]’s beautiful entry, I had the sudden desire to document every single expression of every single person I saw. Today, as I was bicycling down the street, I wanted
to take a picture of every single person passing by so I could write a novel about where they were off to.
Things are beautiful here.
More later, as I think I’m being scrutinized.
pipster uwyo
pipster uwyo (2003-09-04 18:39:50) Re: :)
...YOUR bravery and daring ought to be envied. What can I say? After about a week of sleep depravation and dorm
food, my spelling is a little rusty.
kevincarter (2003-09-06 17:42:09) Re: :)
Thanks, Emily, but I don¼t think it should be envied. I think it should be laughed at, because eventually I¼m
going to get caught and be in deep shit because of these entries. Hope things start going better in Laramie... -K
smellyvans (2003-09-04 19:37:32)
I¼ve written entries of how the world would be a better place if we all walked to our close destinations. You kinda
reminded me of that. I¼d read your book.
kevincarter (2003-09-06 17:41:21)
Thank you! What I really meant to say was ”novels,” plural, so you might be doing more reading than you initially
requested to. May I add you to my friends list? -K
smellyvans (2003-09-06 18:56:13)
I¼d be honored:D
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(2003-09-05 08:22:26)
i really like what you said about wanting to document every person¼s expression and, as a slight photographer, i
have had the very same feeling, as well as the desire to document every expression, period, as demonstrated by the
fact that i shot 16 rolls of film in England and took 86 pictures with my digital camera. People always tell me that i
am going overboard with photography, and perhaps that is true, but it¼s nice to see someone with vaguely the same
sentiment as me. Lauren
kevincarter (2003-09-06 17:44:39)
I¼m definitely experiencing the same sentiment as you with regard to photographing people. I don¼t just want
to photograph their faces, either, the way they look straight on when walking down the street. Instead, the need
is in me to document every curve and texture of them, the beauty that lies sometimes dormant in them but when
they look at themselves, truly look at themselves, comes shining out. There¼s something in the David Schickler
collection Kissing in Manhattan that reminds me of this, vaguely. Highly recommended. :) We need to
meet for coffee soon! Prufrock¼s, on the Hill, is wonderful. Or so I¼ve heard. And I¼m still meaning to write you.
Seriously, I need to catch up on my e-mail. -K
1.5.3
Transcription of something I wrote last night. (2003-09-05 20:19)
Everything is torn, but it’s all living. All is existing in the eternal ebb and flow of emotions. All is fair in
love. Streetlamp shadows, cars passing, headlights blazing, people walking god knows where with others,
but right now, I’m content with the summer wind (Sinatra croons) and an imagined line of poetry which
continues occasionally dropping into my mind. It’s not the kind that sits there for hours, a meaningless lyric
repeating over and over. Instead, it breezes through as I feel the breeze on my face. ”The stillness of the
night air.” It sounds like Basho, and I think of how many haikus there are to read. Mountains of books and
thoughts and dreams and am I to be just one more, another person whose thoughts and dreams are never
understood by most of the world? Of course. Even the most genius feelers – Emerson, Goethe, Whitman,
Shakespeare, Homer, Ovid, Chaucer, Dante – most will never know what they knew, see what they saw. Is
this okay? No. Will it change? I hope, but it will only if there’s a way to erase this complacency from the
depths of us. (Relationship tripe goes here.) I love, I love, and then be on my way. And then be on my way.
Something was supposed to happen while I was writing this. I want to be the exceptional mathemetician from Auburn’s Proof, writing obsessively every night, never sleeping, never resting. Just what
Ginsberg said to his shrink.
”What would you do if you could do anything for the rest of your life?”
”I would write poetry.”
I’ve never even taken an introductory writing course or written anything of true length of substance,
but I want to learn. Richard Adams consistently emphasized his position as a storyteller to everyone around,
and that is part of a writer’s duty. Right now, tough, I want to showcase the beauty of the world and don’t
know how. The stillness of the night air. The stillness of the night air.
No.
Imagine it.
No.
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Don’t imagine it. Go outside at night tonight and gaze at a streetlamp, feel pricks of grass on your
stomach, back, neck, legs. Overhear the conversations of others.
Now we know what we mean.
Now, we are showing each other beauty.
The stillness of the night air.
This is probably the most poignant thing I¼ve ever read on livejournal. I¼m not sure why. I¼m sure I don¼t have
to tell you that though. Thank you.
kevincarter (2003-09-05 21:31:08)
Thank you so much, Alan. I really appreciate that. -K
zztknightt (2003-09-05 21:26:28)
i¼d give you a pep talk on poetry, but i think you hate everything i¼ve shown you (although that was awhile ago).
... *RUNS*
kevincarter (2003-09-05 21:31:50)
Not true. And good to know you¼re alive, man! We need to catch up sometime. I¼m rarely on AIM, due to the
computer situation here, but I¼d love to talk to you sometime. -K
zztknightt (2003-09-07 10:03:18)
haha, yeah man, i miss yah... i¼ve kinda pushed aside... you know, the masa/tavern/etc. point in my life, but i
still remember yah well. it¼s weird because we would always disagree so much, yet we would get along without any
trouble. you still a keyboards kinda guy? i¼ve been trying to play acoustic guitar, but it¼s pretty hard, without
a teacher... i¼ve always wanted to learn to do something musically, but at times i just don¼t think i¼m capable.
i love to write lyrics and sing, but playing an instrument would be great... especially since i wanna be in a band
eventually. ”To alcohol! The cause... and solution... of all of life¼s problems!”
bileograph (2003-09-05 22:56:09)
I actually met Auburn a few years ago, when his play was sort of debuting in New York. Both the mathematical
geniuses there were kind of a wreck. Right now, tough, I want to showcase the beauty of the world and don¼t
know how. It¼s easy. Trust in your instincts and your passions, for these are the very roots of the beauty of
the world. Let the eyes of your narrator be your own eyes; because those are the most likely candidates for telling the
truth.
kevincarter (2003-09-06 17:46:00)
Lucky... I wish I could actually see a performance. I¼ve had to settle for the printed version for far too long. Thank
you, as always, for the advice. It¼s wonderful to a real writer comment on some of the things I¼m thinking. Almost
like Rilke writing more letters to a young poet. -K
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1.5.4
An all-purpose post. (2003-09-06 18:03)
College is amazing. Basically, I have done nothing today but write and lounge with friends and eat and
watch football and recover from last night’s antics. Someone in the hall, a former Creeker named Fraser,
accidentally pulled the fire alarm at 4:00 AM. We raced from the hallway to our dorm rooms, frantically
unlocking our doors like madmen and pretending to be asleep. Although there was certainly a bell ringing
in the second floor lobby, though, he didn’t break the alarm all the way. He was just messing with the fire
alarm cover thing, so he didn’t actually break the glass that would have triggered the alarm throughout the
building. Thank god, because the sprinklers would have gone on and chaos would have ensued very shortly
afterwards. Anyway, it was a pretty great night. I hung out with people for a while, lolligagged at the
library yet again, and then came back to chat with people. Kirstyn, mentioned a few posts ago, wants me
to help edit her paper. Um, Mallory, also mentioned, was sobbing last night, and I have yet to find out why.
Oh, I registered a [1]Something Awful forums account. The Haunted Insane Asylum post finally
pushed me over the edge. My username is ”Kevin,” so if you’re 1337 like [2]some people, drop me a line on
there. Either that, or talk to me about Goon-related things. Also, for anyone in the area who reads this
journal, I’m thinking about attending the next Goon meetup in Colorado. (By the next, I don’t mean the
one happening tonight in an hour.) Would anyone like to tag along with me?
This is really a place where I can learn. I’m enjoying the hell out of The Canterbury Tales after
getting a decent translation. Thankfully, I’m already ahead as far as homework goes, so I really don’t have
to worry about doing anything but leisure reading over the course of this weekend. Oh, speaking of reading,
my New Historicist Literary Analysis teacher is getting on my nerves a bit, as we did the following types of
reading on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s ”The Speckled Band”: Post-Darwinian, Post-Colonialist, Psycho-sexual
Post-Freudian, and Feminist. It’s a detective story, and an entertaining one, so Dr. Bailey, if you’re out
there, DON’T ANALYZE THE HELL OUT OF A PIECE OF PULP FICTION. Seriously, she’s a very
knowledgeable professor who has recommended us good things to read, but still. Oh, I’m doing an essay on
Joyce’s ”Araby.” I can’t wait!
Eagerly awaiting a letter in my mailbox from Hilary, who very well, for all I know, be reading the
journal right now. If you’re out there, Hilary, hi!
So, this is operating as both my everyday events post and pseudo-poetic post simultaneously. Here’s
the piece I wrote the other night, while under the influence of a particular drug that some of you disapproved
of. The title is a reference to Blake, which was referenced by Huxley.
”Infinite”
Warm rushes through my body,
Tops of feet bristling,
Almost a satisfying brush of tiny feathers.
When I wake up from this sort of stupor,
I’m not sure I’ll know precisely what any of this means.
A bizarre separation between samsara and nirvana,
Some state where the physical, unelevated, primitive creature
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Emerges to amalgamate with the spiritual, the ethereal.
I’m beginning to understand what Lennona and McCartney understood
And wrote down for everyone else to understand.
”All you need is love.”
No idea.
I can’t tell if this is a green or black.
Just staring ahead now, something I would rarely do.
Examining, taking a closer look.
A shot of paranoia. But not bad.
Turntable off.
Yes, it’s not good, but it did interesting things to the way I write. The concepts are fuzzier, yet
they retain a clarity of sorts. Not quite sure precisely how. Right now, I’m actually compiling the pieces
I’ve written since I finished my last notebook, ”Desolate Comforts,” into a new journal. This requires a lot
of physical writing, and I’m hoping that I don’t develop carpal tunnel syndrome any time soon.
There will probably be more later tonight.
pipster uwyo (2003-09-06 17:42:08)
Well, I¼m glad one of us is having a good time.
kevincarter (2003-09-06 17:49:35)
Try drugs. They work wonders. I¼m just kidding, and I shouldn¼t even joke about what sounds like a really bad
situation up there. Dorm food is bad, I know, but eat as much of it as you can and supplement it with your very
favorite cheap food. (Pop Tarts for me.) I think I¼ve lost weight up here already, because the food hasn¼t been
wonderful and the portions have been slightly less than I¼ve been used to. Of course, it might also have to do with
the bike riding up here. What specifically is so awful up there? I¼ve heard people that went to Wyoming (Heather
something-or-other, formerly from Pomona) say the exact same thing, but they were never quite able to articulate
precisely what they meant. -K
pipster uwyo (2003-09-06 18:11:57)
To properly answer your question, I would have to write a journal entry...which is what I¼m doing now.
plastichope (2003-09-06 23:08:58)
i love SomethingAwful. their ICQ conversations are halrious. <333
former Creeker, eh? Are you a former creeker?
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1.5.5
(2003-09-08 11:49)
Quick update. Again, I’m at work, so I can’t write a convincingly long entry without worrying that I’m
going to get caught or questioned when it takes me an extra ten minutes to go pick up books from Norlin
Stacks.
Just now, while looking through the library, I had an amazing burst of energy as far as reading is concerned. Basically, I desperately want to do it, and I’m planning on reading pretty much all night long. I
think I’ll start out with Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus, chop a little more off of Chaucer, and move on to
either The Beautiful and the Damnedby Fitzgerald or Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury. There’s so much
that I haven’t read, but right now, I’m not feeling the typical desperation. It’s more like I just yearn to do
it.
Also, my dad is desperately in need of money right now, as he hasn’t had a job in about a year-and-ahalf. He just got one in San Francisco, though, at a company called Upshot, and he needs money for his
training trip in San Francisco. They covered his plane ticket, but he’s strapped for cash as far as hotels,
meals, and clothes go. Since I got around $1500 for the first semester’s financial aid and graduation money,
he needs to borrow some. He said he’ll pay me $100 interest in 7-10 days, but it’s just weird. I mean, lending
that much to my parents is bizarre, especially when they’re not helping me with a dime of college as of yet.
(I can always hope, though.) I don’t mean to sound bitter... I love both of them, but I’m having a difficult
time reconciling wiring him money. He should have spent what he had more wisely. So, after work today, I
have to do that. It’s so frickin’ weird that I can barely stand it.
Went to the Unitarian Universalist meeting at the UMHE house last night. It was quite interesting, and it
seems like a really intelligent group of people that honestly wants to learn something rather than just wallow
in their ignorance of any spiritual matters whatsoever and serve the Universal Spirit. Met a really cool girl
named Robyn and had coffee with her at Prufrock’s. She’s a very articulate former debater with emo tendencies, relationship drama, and the exact same pair of blue Chuck Taylor hightops that I own. Seems like
an interesting romantic prospect, to say the least. We exchanged numbers/dorms/etc. and we’re planning
on going to the Amnesty International meeting tomorrow. Better freshen up on my Amnesty ideology.
All for now. More work to do, but love to all.
pipster uwyo (2003-09-08 18:17:27)
I still admire your daring in writing at work. I¼d let you borrow my laptop, but, you know. It¼s kind of a long way
from Laramie to Boulder. A long, long way.
laurenoid (2003-09-08 19:22:58) u-u meeting
carter, get on AIM later so i can tell you something. hehe
1.5.6
(2003-09-10 11:45)
Okay, I’m going to have to start coming up with a different time to update this journal, because I always
feel like I’m really rushed. Anyway, I’m at work, yet again, and I don’t feel bad about doing this since I
collected the books on 3 and 3B in a particularly expedient manner today.
Lately, things are going well. I seem to have found somewhat of a balance between partying and studying. Tomorrow, one of my assignments is to attend a lecture on Civil Rights and 9/11, which will be
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wonderful. Why couldn’t we have assignments like that in high school? Probably because parents would
have bitched about the liberal indoctrination of their poor children, who couldn’t possibly discern a good
argument from a bad one. I mean, if they’re teaching them so well, at least have them operate in the free
marketplace of ideas. Jesus Christ.
I’ve been reading quite a bit, finishing Camus’ The Myth of Sisyphus yesterday as well as starting Faulkner’s
The Sound and the Fury last night. Loved Camus, although I’m not enough well-read to understand the
references he made to Don Juan, much of Kafka, and the fairly esoteric philosophical references he was
making. Someday, I hope to revisit that book and know the characters that he’s talking about. Why do
philosophers have to write to such an intelligent crowd?
Also, I lost my new poetry notebook along with my library criticism book of The Great Gatsby. Today,
though, I found out that the library book turned itself back in, magically! I think I lost it out on the street
on Euclid, so someone must have returned it. I’m going to head to the UMC after work today to see whether
the poetry notebook was returned too. God, I hope it is.
I have two math tests today, but they shouldn’t be too difficult. Hopefully, I can wrap up this class in
a matter of a few more weeks. I love self-paced, self-taught classes. Things are so much easier when you
don’t have a professor obfuscating the fairly straightforward points. One more thing, though: why the hell
can’t math professors write a decent introductory text? Their example problems are never effectively explained, and oftentimes, they don’t relate at all to the actual problems that are included in the exercises.
More importantly, why are the word problems so tremendously crappy and repetitive? Oh, I know the answer to that one. Because there aren’t that many ways to apply basic college algebra to life. It’s theoretical,
purely. Frustrating.
Robyn’s name is Robin, incidentally. I’m used to writing ’Robyn’ because that’s my aunt Buffy’s name.
Why would you go by Buffy when you have a beautiful name like ’Robyn’ ? Beats me.
Okay, I’m heading back to work.
pipster uwyo (2003-09-10 12:30:05)
I see that you have discovered the joy of math books. That happened to be very amusing to me. Of course they
don¼t write good example problems. If they did, you might actually understand what you¼re supposed to do and
that would go against all things mathematical. I hope you find your poetry notebook. :)
kevincarter (2003-09-16 23:11:48)
Agreed totally on the concept of math books. They¼re horrible, horrible things, although the actual math aspect of
it is really not that bad. I found my poetry notebook, too! Someone nice must have found it on the sidewalk where
I think I left it and turned it into the UMC Lost and Found. This was a very good thing, because I¼ve put quite a
bit of work into it so far. -K
(2003-09-10 14:23:33)
All math books are pure genius. They all explain their problems perfectly. Foool!! Learn math! It¼s easy!!!! *mutters
under breath* ...english majors...
kevincarter (2003-09-16 23:17:10)
Math books are not pure genius, but I¼m starting to think that math is. Really, I¼m finding the elementary course I¼m taking very interesting. See? We English majors can have our good sides, too. :) -K
119
maccy (2003-09-10 15:18:34) Derrida
I was once told that there¼s a tradition in French philosophy of building on past works and ideas (as opposed to
attempting to start from first principles - more of an English or German approach). I really don¼t know enough
to know how true this is, but here¼s the first sentence from Derrida¼s ¼Writing and Difference¼: ”If it recedes
one day, leaving behind its works and signs on the shores of our civilisation, the structualist invasion might become a
question for the historian of ideas, or perhaps even an object.” Now admittedly I was attempting to read this for its
own sake (ie not for a course) but a few paragraphs of this and I couldn¼t keep going. I feel sorry for undergraduates
trying to come to terms with this stuff because it draws on so many previous theories and theorists. It¼s still a fantasy
of mine that I might be able to start from the pre-socratics and work my way through to the post-structualists. There
are wilder things than Camus out there, if that¼s any comfort.
kevincarter (2003-09-16 23:15:57) Re: Derrida
After hearing a number of interesting perspectives about Derrida on the J.D. Salinger mailing group that I¼m a
member of, I got a copy of his Of Grammatology, thinking it would provide an interesting piece of literary
theory. Good lord. The background needed to understand even one iota of that work was extensive as hell. After I
get the background, Derrida will probably be somewhat more coherent. I feel precisely the same way about philosophy. Is there some sort of comprehensive guide to the subject, in the encyclopedic sense, that provides some sort of
starting ground? I read Sophie¼s World by Gaarder and enjoyed it, but I was fairly unimpressed with its
coverage of philosophy at a basic level. Any suggestions? And I can¼t wait to read things wilder than Camus! :) -K
maccy (2003-09-17 02:50:48) Re: Derrida
I¼m probably not the best person to ask as my own study of philosophy was somewhat erratic (I¼m always trying to
do to many things at once), but here goes... The most famous overview is Bertrand Russell¼s ”History of Western
Philosophy” - but a glance at the comments on amazon.co.uk (<a href=”http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/tg/stores/detail/-/books/0 415228549/customer-reviews/qid=1063791101/sr=2-2/ref=sr 2 3 2/ref=cm cr dp
2 1/026-6634024-5255660” target=” blank”>here</a>) shows the difficulty in trying to give a overview
without also giving an interpretation. Also, it was published in 1945 - so there¼s nothing about more
contemporary thought. On the web, though, there¼s <a href=”http://www.philosophypages.com” target=”
blank”>www.philosophypages.com</a> which seems to be pretty good.
belle27 (2003-09-13 18:02:06)
Hi wanna be hipster I would say welcome to UC Boulder but I just transfered in myself
kevincarter (2003-09-16 23:21:46)
I propose a welcome to both of us! We should talk sometime, mostly because you have excellent taste and a wonderful
usericon. Plus, we go to the same college! (This was a horrible comment. Forgive me.) -K
belle27 (2003-09-17 17:38:35)
I wouldn¼t worry too much about the quality of your comment cause mine wasn¼t all that interesting to being
with. Also I read one of your entries and as someone who is procrastinating hardcore right now I have to say your
devotion to homework is inspiring. Random advice....I think you should relax about the whole girlfriend thing it¼ll
work itself out if its right
kevincarter (2003-09-17 19:37:10)
Ah, my devotion to homework is only inspiring if I like the homework that I¼m doing. Talk to me next semester,
when I have a science class or Spanish class under my belt. Ugh. :) I certainly should relax about the
whole girlfriend thing, but sometimes I feel like relaxing hasn¼t gotten me anywhere so far. When I relax with a
situation, due to my mostly passive-aggressive tendencies, things usually don¼t end up working out. (Okay, things
usually don¼t end up working out either way, but still.) I¼m not sure if this is right, and in fact, I don¼t really
120
think it is sometimes, particularly when the advice of my former AP History teacher whom I respect greatly says it
isn¼t. It¼s kinda funny, because we were two of her favorite students, yet she doesn¼t want to see any romance
bloom between us. Probably because she knows, as she always does, something that I don¼t. I need to e-mail her.
Tonight is going to be e-mail catch-up night! -K
1.5.7
Real update later; story for now. (2003-09-15 00:17)
”Untitled” – for the BK Fiction tonight.
The alarm clock didn’t buzz. It didn’t ring, clang, vibrate, or even wake him up. It didn’t alarm
him, as it should have; that job belonged to the day ahead. There was a power outage the night before; at
least, there was in his house. When he saw the microwave light flashing after a day at work, he wondered
how far the accident spread out. Suddenly, he had the urge to call everyone around him that he knew,
starting with the people geographically closest to him – his next-door neighbor, perhaps – then onward,
plotting the points on a map, spending all day discovering how many people had to light a candle and drag
a board game out of the hallway.
On his bedstand was the Ma-Me volume of the Encyclopedia Brittanica. Humanity’s knowledge encompassed within the pages of one volume. It was too much for him to resist the encyclopedia salesman
going door to door. Generally, he simply would have grinned and said that he wasn’t interested right now
or didn’t have the money, but right at that moment, he wanted the knowledge of humanity. He remembered
a line of poetry that he read in The Western Canon by Harold Bloom. ”The flesh is sad, alas, and I have
read all the books.” Never could he do that, and it frustrated him immeasurably.
His body convulsed every few minutes, the skin around his eyes tightening and suddenly relaxing.
Shifting to grow more and more comfortable, but always failing. There was that crink in his neck that
wouldn’t leave. It plagued him throughout the day, and he had always imagined that perfect feeling of his
cheek brushing up against the pillowcase and feeling the right texture. The minutes ticked by, and his dream
continued. Everyone was taking from him, everything, and he didn’t care. Still, although he was nonchalant
about their taking, there was a certain dread within him that he wouldn’t have anything left if they took
everything. His clothes, his house, and not just that. They could swipe his thoughts and knowledge and
love and the beauty he saw. But it was not this that woke him up. It wasn’t the ring of the telephone. It
was the panicked voice of his girlfriend on the answering machine.
”–on earth are you right now? I’ve checked in your office and asked the boss if you’ve clocked in yet
but–”
He picked up the phone and pressed stop on the answering machine, feeling the only slightly lessened sense of dread cling to him.
”Hello?”
”Goddammit. Where on earth are you?”
”What do you–” He rubbed his eyes. ”Oh shit. What time is it?”
”It’s 9:30. You were supposed to be here an hour and a half ago. What happened?”
121
”There must have been a power outage here. Was there a power outage there last night?”
She scowled. ”What the hell are you talking about? No, we didn’t have a... why are you asking
that? Get your ass in here. We’ve got Marshall-Lamberg in here and these guys need answers.”
Answers, he thought. Yeah, we could all use some answers. ”I’ll be right in.”
No shower, no shave, no time. Say my razor was broken. Anything. Just get in there and face the
crap that you’re going to have to.
He dragged a comb across his head and took a split-second too long to stare at himself in the mirror. He grabbed his briefcase, threw out the unnecessary papers, and put in more necessary ones. Touching
her leg didn’t even feel like her leg last night. Everything was wrong, and there were no chills in his soul.
He got in his convertible, drove, got on the highway, and missed his exit. No, he didn’t miss it. He
drove by it, loving the feeling of passing it, waving and smiling to the cars in the congested exit. He drove
on.
brandnewbeat (2003-09-15 00:29:01)
Kevin, I seriously dig the way you write. Don¼t know if you remember me but I posted on the CU livejournal
community awhile ago. I¼m Clare, a student at CU-Boulder and also an English major. If it¼s all right with you
I¼d like to add you to my friends list.
kevincarter (2003-09-16 23:26:38)
Thanks, Clare. This is a very unfinished piece that I wrote for a BK (Blitzkrieg) Fiction with some of my friends.
It¼s a little contest, almost, where you write a short story in a half hour. Difficult, but a lot of fun. I want to go
back over the story and work out the little mistakes and expand on a lot of it. But thank you! What year are you?
Oh, and are you on the creative writing or the lit track? I¼m very curious, because I¼m trying to make up my
mind. You can only add me to your list if I can add you to mine. :) -K
(2003-09-15 08:11:12)
mmmm.. interesting... reminds me so much of Office Space. but.. the urge to call people, and the encyclopedia, why
did you put those in there? I understand the thirst for knowledge thing, I dont know. It¼s just too kevin carter for
me ;) But it is good, for an english major :-*
kevincarter (2003-09-16 23:29:48)
It was definitely derivative of stuff like Office Space and Fight Club, and even more derivative of
”A &P.” (What a great story!) Mostly, the geographic calling and the encyclopedia were because my character was
supposed to be ”smiley, twitchy, and methodical.” Those were some of the restrictions on what the main character
had to exude. Also, I like adding weird little aesthetic details to my stories. I dunno... it¼s kind of a quirk. It¼s
definitely too Kevin Carter, even for me! Thanks for the compliments, Jeremy. :-* -K
plastichope (2003-09-15 20:57:28)
very good. i¼m tired right now, so in the beginning the talk of sleep made my body ache for rest, but by the end i
felt like escaping all that jazz too. such an awesome writer. ˆ ˆ
kevincarter (2003-09-16 23:30:41)
Thanks, Chelly! Some of the psychological stuff was probably based on my constant need to escape, whether it¼s
school or home or work. I really appreciate your commentary. :) -K
122
chatjam (2003-09-16 10:39:56)
i¼m not an expert, but i gotta say that i really liked the way you write 8=) i added you to my friends-list.. hope
that¼s ok for you 8=)
kevincarter (2003-09-16 23:31:12)
Thank you! It¼s definitely all right... although I don¼t see your name on my friends list for some reason. I¼d like
to add you too, though. :) -K
1.5.8
The real post. (2003-09-17 00:40)
God, life is beautiful. Things are outstanding right now. I think everyone’s getting tired of hearing me say
how much I love it up here, but I honestly do. Every class that I’m in, I thoroughly enjoy. Learning up
here is amazing. I’m reading good things, writing good things, experiencing so much. For instance, tonight
I was forced – was forced, mind you! – to read Joyce’s ”Araby,” Nathaniel Hawthorne’s ”Young Goodman
Brown” and ”Rappaccini’s Daughter,” and Helen Zia’s Asian-American Dreams. Joyce and Hawthorne are
both masters of the short story form. Honestly, there were so many parts of ”Rappaccini’s Daughter” that
sent chills down my spine and almost a tear to my eye that it was scary. (Yes, I’m a wimp.) If you really
want to know which ones, comment and I’ll tell you. If not, don’t comment... that way I don’t have to bore
you!
I swear... I’m destined to be an academician the rest of my life. On top of all of that, I read a few
Canterbury tales, talked to people, and studied for Linguistics. It doesn’t sound like that great of a day, but
it really was.
Probably part of that was having a three-frickin’-hour conversation with Hilary. (If you’re reading this,
Hilary, you said you weren’t, even though I gave you permission, and I caught you. ”There’s no such thing
as someone who’s a good writer and a bad liar.” So be forewarned that this post is about you.) Why do I
have to be so stuck on her? She’s wonderful, brilliant, funny, and we still have such a connection despite
being in very different places. Three hours. Tell me that’s a normal thing in a purely platonic relationship,
and I won’t be horribly confused anymore. We talked about things that mattered and didn’t matter, and it
made me want to find someone like her here. Yes, there are a lot of people here, but very few have matched
my criteria for close friends, let alone romantic attachments. Maybe my standards are way too high for who
I am.
I don’t think the Robin thing is going to work out, based on a free-write that I did the other night where
I basically ended up writing that none of the feelings that I had for her were genuine, and it was just that
nagging in me that exclaimed that I needed a girlfriend. Why, you ask? Who knows. Sometimes, relationships make me lose all sense of logic, as many of you know. Yes, she’s a very nice girl, but there’s no deep
connection. Sure, we talk about interesting things and watch the same kind of movies and like the same kind
of things, but that doesn’t mean there’s something there. Hilary and I certainly aren’t alike in every way,
and I think that’s one of the things I enjoy about talking to her. Yet, we have so much common ground that
there’s never a shortage of things to talk about. When we’ve been to coffee before, we’ll stand around in the
parking lot, and fifteen minutes after we both resolved to go home because of curfew or dinner or whatever,
we’d have to literally run back to our cars to avoid talking more. This isn’t something that should happen
between friends, or so it seems to me. When you can’t stop talking to each other, there’s something there.
She told me she didn’t know why she called me, but she thought it might have been that she was missing
something. I don’t remember her precise terminology, but that’s the gist of it. Of course, she called me
twice, and then I ended up footing the bill for our three hour conversation. That’s quite a bit as far as long
123
distance goes. Apparently, she’s coming down either this or next weekend, but it’s a ”surprise,” so I probably
won’t even end up seeing her. Ugh. Oh, yeah. I’m definitely over her. *cough*
First update in a long while, and they’ll be more frequent from here forward. I know you simply can’t
get through your day without a dose of Kevin.
yesthatems (2003-09-17 06:39:21) My name is Ems, and I have a problem
>I know you simply can¼t get through your day without a dose of Kevin. You¼re right...but we¼re all in 12 Step
Programs for it.
kevincarter (2003-09-17 10:08:29) Re: My name is Ems, and I have a problem
That¼s funny, because I think it could be accomplished in one step. 1. Stop associating with Kevin in any way,
shape, or form. Easy enough! Plus, none of that psychological or physical addiction stuff that you generally have to
worry about. I still need to e-mail you! -K
yesthatems (2003-09-17 12:23:14) Re: My name is Ems, and I have a problem
Yass, yass, y¼do. And I¼ve been meaning to call you. I even wrote your number down in my Emily the Strange
addess book...so far you¼re the only one in there. Heh. And you can say what you will about your one-step
program, but the part about ”no psychological addiction” is a crock of malarky. I¼ve yet to find out about the
physical addiction thing, however. ;-) Good luck and Godspeed, Ems
laurenoid (2003-09-17 07:36:25)
yeah, you are totally over her. NOT! but you¼re right-the inability to stop talking to someone-whether or not it¼s
romantic, it¼s so awesome.
kevincarter (2003-09-17 10:12:17)
I love it. Honestly, we¼ll talk about anything. And it¼s not one of those conversations where you just keep saying
¼yeah¼ and ¼uh-huh¼ and hope to God that they¼re going to finish their story. Like, at one point while we
were talking, I got so carried away that I stopped hearing some of the words she said and just listening to their tone
and resonance and rhythm. It had such a musical quality to it. But it was horrible, because I desperately wanted
to hear what she was saying. I was so tuned into her, I guess, that it didn¼t matter at all. I can¼t remember
precisely what this is from, but I know it¼s not a KC original. It¼s a very loose paraphrase, but I feel precisely
like the character who said it. I always want to kiss her when she¼s saying the most beautiful thing, but that would
paradoxically mean that she was unable to keep talking, and then I sob like the emo kid I¼m inexorably designed
to be. -K
laurenoid (2003-09-17 18:11:20) crappy response
hehe. you=emo
kevincarter (2003-09-17 19:36:33) Re: crappy response
HOW DO I STOP???? -K
wulfmadchen (2003-09-17 08:07:31)
Dammit, I still haven¼t managed to get you on the phone yet!
kevincarter (2003-09-17 10:13:30)
Today! My phone bill is going to be unbearable during this first month in college. I blame you, Molly! Okay, you¼re
not solely to blame. I blame people that I want to talk to that aren¼t in the 303 or 720 area codes! -K
124
pipster uwyo (2003-09-17 14:59:38)
My area code is 307. *laughs* There¼s some long distance for you!
kevincarter (2003-09-17 19:29:55)
People that want either letters or phone calls from me are going to have to start donating loose change to pay for
long distance and postage. Yes, e-mails are cold and impersonal, but they¼re cheap as hell. -K
(2003-09-17 08:16:17)
Okay, this could be just me, as it seems when it comes to romance I¼m as desirable as the plague, but this happened
to me. There was this guy that I was really interested in, and he knew it. We would hang out every chance we got,
sometimes to actually do stuff but usually just to talk. We¼d talk online for hours. We only left each other when
we had to get home, and sometimes we¼d literally sit outside my house and continue talking until it was my exact
curfew (he could usually get away with being a bit late). I thought, and I wasn¼t alone, that something was going
to happen. We were practically a couple, anyway. But then, as it turns out, he had a crush on my best friend the
whole time, and when I went away for the summer, they dated and made out in his car. A lot. With no clothes on.
Like I said, it could just be me. I don¼t want to rain on your parade. But sometimes you can¼t be sure.
kevincarter (2003-09-17 10:17:56)
You¼re not raining on my parade at all, perhaps because I know nothing¼s going to happen romantically between
Hilary and me in the next year-ish (at least, if ever), but that¼s still a horribly depressing story. I¼m extremely
sorry, because that can definitely hurt. Is this Lauren? If so, I thought you had recently broken up with your
boyfriend of a few years. I might be wrong, though, on either account. Trust me. If there¼s one thing I am about
the Hilary situation, it¼s ”not sure.” Ugh. -K
laurenoid (2003-09-17 18:21:36)
dude, no it isn¼t lauren. either you¼re on drugs or you mean another lauren. (by the way...i¼m going to spokane.)
kevincarter (2003-09-17 19:39:06)
Oh, yeah. Since you¼ve recently broken up with a boyfriend of two years and don¼t have a livejournal account.
I¼m talking about Lauren Trojanowski. I think Carly Simon functions best here. Yoooooooooou¼re soooo
vaaaaaain; you prooob¼ly think this post is aboooout yooooou. -K
(2003-09-19 13:05:17)
Kevin, Definitely not me, though this has happened to me before, but i have also unintentionally done it–i had a
friend who i loved talking to but never knew he had this huge crush on me (i didn¼t have one back) and it totally
ruined our friendsihp, which is easily as depressing as the other person¼s story, seeing as he was only talking to
me because he was attracted to me. This may sound like the antithesis of what you two were saying, but, truly, it
sucks. Yes, i did just break up with my boyfriend of a couple years, but it was my decision, so...anyway, way too
much commentary when i probably could have just said ”no” to your question. Lauren
(2003-09-17 08:26:20)
Where does Hilary go to school? This is Jeremy btw...
(2003-09-17 08:27:02)
... god damn it... if you have another lj account, ill take it. J
kevincarter (2003-09-17 10:18:50)
CSU. And you will have a livejournal account! I knew you couldn¼t last forever! You¼re the last to fall, Jeremy.
The last to fall. (I¼ll e-mail you the code later.) -K
125
airik (2003-09-17 22:40:53) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Be strong jeremy, you dont need one!
1.5.9
No, I’m not stoned. (2003-09-22 03:26)
Taking a welcome break from writing this essay regarding the conflict between Romanticism and Catholicism
in James Joyce’s short story ”Araby.” It’s really bad not to update in so long, because it becomes a habit
and one to break. I feel like I’ve been writing a lot, but most of these have been e-mails, and I still can’t
get everyone mailed and e-mailed that I need to. Oh, my popularity is astounding and stifling.
I am JAMMING to London Calling right now. The Clash rock. Uh, I can’t believe it’s already
3:30. Good lord, I love college. I took a nap this evening and am becoming almost a wholly nocturnal
being. I’m nearly finished with The Canterbury Tales, and I will be extremely happy when I am. First of
all, the prolixity is pretty stifling after a while, as I’m used to reading modern fiction. While Chaucer’s level
of artistry is extraordinary, the characters ramble too much with the omission of interesting details. Second,
I’ll have a huge gap in my reading closed. Then, I have to tackle Homer, Ovid, and classical stuff, and I’ll
have at least a basis for further reading. Third, I’ll be able to finish The Sound and the Fury, which I adore
so far.
I smoked again tonight, and I think I actually did it right this time. I haven’t been fully inhaling in
the past, so I’ve just gotten a pleasant buzz. Almost a contact high. I’m such a novice at the whole smoking
thing. Anyway, it was extremely relaxing tonight. I’m still not a pothead, but a nice feeling of intoxication
every once in a while is wonderfully relaxing.
Since the focus of this journal is usually relationships, I’ll go ahead and post about some of them.
Okay, first impressions of Robin, for instance, are out the window. After hanging out with her some
yesterday, I’ve decided that she’s incredibly annoying. I guess it shows that sometimes, the fact that people
share many of your interests does not necessarily mean that there’s a connection between the two of you.
Another very frustrating thing: these connections. When they happen, they always happen at inopportune times or with unfortunate people. If I could love someone that loved me, I think life would be ”the
greatest thing,” like a certain Declan McManus song I’m listening to right now says. I punch the clock, and
it’s okay. I know a girl who takes my breath away. Well, there is certainly a girl who takes my breath away
right now, and it’s frustrating not to breathe.
It’s the feeling where you’re starving for breath after a long sigh and your stomach expands and
your eyelids flutter. But it’s like holding in the sigh indefinitely and having the feeling grow and cover your
face and legs and shoulders. Being breathless is dangerous, but it is exhilarating. Oh, girls.
I need to do some writing soon. Also some reading. Oh, yeah. And there’s this little matter of the
essay due on Wednesday. I’m extremely busy right now.
TO DO LIST:
Before class today: Read Linguistics, Print out ”A Rose for Emily” for discussion today, realize the
stupidity of staying up so late tonight, work more on essay, perhaps read either Chaucer or Nin, sing at
least twenty-seven Elvis Costello songs.
126
Today: Class, work, nap, choir (at 6, not 7:15!), find a ride and/or buy a ticket to the Interpol
show, listen to Turn on the Bright Lights one million times to really get to know the songs.
Tuesday: Class, work, nap, no choir. Write thank-you letters from birthday, comment on people’s
journals, decide whether to go to the Study Abroad meeting instead of the Interpol show, call dad to
schedule dinner/coffee.
Wednesday: Standard, take bus home, coffee with Becky?, write poetry, see Brighton Beach Memoirs featuring wonderful friends Beau and Elizabeth, avoid talking to people I don’t like.
Thursday: Find something to do.
Friday: Go home to pack things up, eat a home-cooked meal, stay home.
Saturday: Help family move, come back up to school as soon as possible to engage in samsara.
LIFE IS GOOD. SOONER OR LATER, I WILL HAVE AN EMO POST SAYING DIFFERENTLY.
DON’T BELIEVE ME; I AM NEVER CONSTANT.
Weird post, but it’s late and I’m tired. Apologies.
pipster uwyo (2003-09-22 07:16:05) The Clash do rock.
Been smoking again, eh? Well, at least you aren¼t passed out and vomiting. Love the title of this post, very informative. :)
airik (2003-09-22 13:05:39) Re: The Clash do rock.
......
kevincarter (2003-09-24 19:16:17) Re: The Clash do rock.
Whatever, drunk-ass. :-* -K
kevincarter (2003-09-24 19:15:17) Re: The Clash do rock.
Who says I¼m not passed out and vomiting? -K
flicker (2003-09-22 20:58:41)
I think everyone should listen to Turn on the Bright Lights a million times, on principle. And I had no idea Interpol
was going to be in Colorado
kevincarter (2003-09-24 19:18:24)
I agree, although I don¼t think it¼s a very good album lyrically. Unfortunately, I didn¼t get a chance to go to
the show, because I had too much to do. I¼m certainly going to regret that later. -K
airik (2003-09-22 21:05:08) GIMME!
A night at the roxbury. *head tilts*
kevincarter (2003-09-24 19:22:51) Re: GIMME!
I have it at home, and I¼m gonna grab it this weekend for you. Thanks for letting me borrow it! This also means
that I¼m going to have to deliver it somehow. Don¼t you have fall break or ”M-day” or something? Is it next
week? If so, go to Arvada, and that¼d be the easiest place to deliver it. -K
127
mycalliope (2003-09-23 12:29:17)
hey, whats up? this is claire. i talked to you this morning after class. i added you as a friend :-)
1.5.10
Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin. (2003-09-24 19:43)
Fred Jones was worn out
From caring for his often
Screaming and crying wife
During the day, but
He couldn’t sleep at night for fear that she,
In a stupor from the drugs that
Didn’t even ease the pain,
Would set the house ablaze
With a cigarette.
This beautiful, beautiful song has been attacking my mind for the last ten minutes. I’m currently in the
library – not that it’s an unusual place for me to be – and couldn’t stop singing it, even in a place where people might have heard me. My fixation upon mantras of all sorts is something I want to pursue. Buddhism’s
early draw for me was focusing on the breath or a chant of some kind to reach nirvana. What would mine
be, if I had one? What would yours be?
Philosophical mood might stem from my re-read upon re-read tonight of The Great Gatsby, the best American novel that I have ever read. Lyrical, elegiac, and without a peer. I am also a sap, for many reasons,
but here’s why I was a sap during my reading of Gatsby. First, I clenched my fist – really, really hard
– and scowled when Tom berates Gatsby and Daisy’s affair. Second, because when I read the account of
Daisy singing at Gatsby’s party, particularly the part where it described her voice, all I could think of was
Hilary. I even wrote her name in the book above Daisy. See [1]this sentimental entry for further details.
Isn’t it just someone’s little eccentricities that make you adore them? For me, it always is and always has
been. Regardless, my reading of Gatsby is completed, which means I’m reading Billy Collins’ The Apple
that Astonished Paris tonight and then getting back into The Sound and the Fury, where I left off a third of
the way through the book, near the beginning of Quentin’s monologue. Talk about going from simplicity to
purposeful complexity.
I presented my essay on Joyce’s ”Araby” today in class, and people seemed to be pretty impressed. That’s
one of the best feelings in the world: knowing that you worked hard on something and did it incredibly
well. No one else even seemed to like the story, which is problematic since it’s James Joyce, and they’re
English majors! Speaking of which, I’m trying to eventually work my way up to Ulysses. If I can read both
that and Pound’s Cantos and actually understand them, I can finally classify myself as a literate person.
This, I fear, is a long ways away.
I slept through Linguistics today. This is a bad thing.
Initially, I was planning on going to the Pomona production of Neil Simon’s Brighton Beach Memoirs tonight,
where I would have seen Beau and Elizabeth act their little hearts out. Instead, I’m postponing the whole
thing until Saturday, because Ms. Taylor (my old AP history teacher) is planning on treating me for dinner
before the show. Can’t wait to eat in a restaurant!
I’m eagerly awaiting fall break, which is just one week away! No more classes; piles of books; no more
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eating meals of cooks. It’s going to be wonderful.
Not sure how things are going on the deep friendship/relationship front. Really, nothin’ doin’ so far, outside
of my divinization of a certain CSU student. The journalism major, not the English major ([2]Kate Klock).
Thinking about attending a few groups and getting involved. I’m very interested in this Humanities Club
that I was reading about that seems right up my alley, as well as starting a reading club or joining the
underground literary magazine staff. We’ll see.
Wanted to actually knock off a post for once.
belle27 (2003-09-24 21:09:15)
I think the Sound and the Fury is the greatest American novel ever written....but hey what do I know I¼m a science
major :)
kevincarter (2003-09-24 21:59:09)
Well, I¼m getting around to reading TSATF very soon, so I¼ll be able to comment on your... er... comment. I¼m thoroughly enjoying it so far. And being an science major doesn¼t mean you can¼t have good taste.
It just means it¼s more difficult. :) -K
belle27 (2003-09-24 22:11:11)
it also means I can make more than 20,000 a year with a graduate degree ; ) .....my dad has his Ph. D in English
lit btw. I LOVE that book so much its a little tough to understand through the Benjy chpt but the Quentin chpt
is AMAZING!! Its the best piece of writing ever. PS are you coming to the LJ meeting on Sunday I am debating it
kevincarter (2003-09-24 22:24:42)
So far, that¼s my perspective, too. For some reason, I doubt Quentin¼s character would have a scattered chronology of someone like Benjy¼s. But, as an eighteen year old who has barely written a short story – let alone a novel
– who am I to judge? Quentin¼s chapter really is phenomenal so far, though. I¼m not sure whether or not I¼m
going to be able to make it to the LJ meeting. I¼ve got a really busy weekend, and it¼ll depend on how much
homework I have. -K
belle27 (2003-09-24 22:31:00)
Yah I have a lot of homework too but after I take my O. Chem test (hey can you tell I am using LJ to procrastinate)
I plan on taking a much needed break. And hey this is random but have you ever read any Micheal Chabon,
he¼s great and a lot of fun to read and you kinda remind of a charater in one of his books. PS if you are iffy
on anything in the Sound and the Fury (I had trouble the first time I read it) I have read it 3 times so I know it
inside and out.
wulfmadchen (2003-09-24 21:16:09)
If not liking James Joyce makes you any less of a literary person, I guess that makes me screwed. ::scowl:: ::sings,
under her breath:: six fifty-eight, are you sure where my spark is? here, here, here...
kevincarter (2003-09-24 22:02:07)
Would I ever criticize your status as a member of the literati, Molly? That comment was mostly made to generate
controversy. Basically, I¼m a bad talk show host, trying to generate callers by stating ridiculous opinions. Okay, not
really. I just thoroughly enjoy reading Joyce, and I wish everyone had the same level of enjoyment that I do. This
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happens with a lot of things for me, particularly music. No offense meant! I can¼t understand how you wouldn¼t
like Joyce, though, particularly with your Irish heritage. What¼s your opinion of him? Terribly curious. Oh, and
WHY THE HELL do you have to be in the Eastern time zone? If you weren¼t, I could call you right now. (The
curse of staying up horribly late in college.) -K
wulfmadchen (2003-09-25 16:26:28)
Being Irish doesn¼t make me any less bored with stream-of consciousness writing in general, particularly if the
thought processes of the character don¼t correspond so well to my own. Yes, that does come off as ignorant, but
because of the emotional investiture that takes place when I read anything, it¼s frustrating to me when characters
or situations happen in ways that don¼t make sense to me. Maybe needing an itty-bitty little smidge of plot to
keep my attention makes me an uncultured lout (I still like most flavors of Sherwood Anderson, if that¼s any consolation). I can appreciate it as a formidable piece of artwork, but it doesn¼t give me any great deal of enjoyment.
Come to think of it, there are an awful lot of authors like that.
ex turbulenc506 (2003-09-24 21:21:01)
Mmm, I like Billy Collins. You have such great taste in literature. I think I¼ll have to sift through your entries and
make a list of books you¼ve mentioned that I have not read.
kevincarter (2003-09-24 22:06:45)
I need to do precisely the same thing with your journal. Glad you¼re apparently one of the few Joyce fans I have
for readers. (Just kidding, all non-Joyce fans! Ha ha!) Billy Collins writes such beautiful phrases that it makes my
head spin. I¼m trying to get Poetry 180 from the CU library, but everyone has it on hold! Frustration! -K
ex turbulenc506 (2003-09-25 17:50:17)
Feelings are so fluffy and abstract. It¼s amazing to me how well Joyce manages to translate them into words and
get them down on a page. Every word he picks is in the exact right place. I don¼t know how he does it. I¼ve only
read Picnic, Lighting, Collins-wise. It¼s beautiful.
mycalliope (2003-09-24 21:24:27)
No one else even seemed to like the story, which is problematic since it¼s James Joyce, and they¼re English
majors i¼m going to have to disagree with this statement. i don¼t think being an english major forces you to
like any particular author. I myself am not a fan of James Joyce. I respect him as a writer, but i did not
enjoy Araby as a story at all. Part of being an English major is learning to refine your taste to the point that you
know what you do and do not like and can appreciate an author¼s work without actually enjoying it. lemme know
if you decide to go to a humanities club meeting. i¼ve been interested in going, but i¼m really shy about going to
that type of thing alone.
kevincarter (2003-09-24 22:09:21)
You have a definite point, and I¼m far too intolerant of any differences in taste between others and myself. That¼s
a very good distinction between respect and enjoyment of an author. My words, especially in journal entries, are not
picked with enough precision. Thanks for calling me on it. :) I¼ll definitely let you know about humanities club. I
think it sounds like a really cool idea, and I¼m sort of shy in those situations too, so we can tag along together. -K
mycalliope (2003-09-24 23:38:58)
i have a habit of calling people on stuff. thanks for understanding what i meant instead of getting offended :-)i think
that the differences in whether one respects an artist or enjoys their work is an interesting one. There are many
great writers who¼s brilliance i am aware of, and yet you will never find me reading their work recreationally.
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whitcomb (2003-09-25 07:04:33)
You liked The Great Gatsby? More than any other American novel...? Have you read any other American novels?
kevincarter (2003-09-29 21:39:45)
Ouch. Gatsby epitomizes the American tragedy and death of the dream to me, plus it¼s a haunting lossof-love story. Furthermore, it¼s lyrical and poetic on every page. What don¼t you like about it? -K
whitcomb (2003-09-30 05:20:11)
Ah... Well, encompassing all of those points in a less coherent manner is Requiem For a Dream, one of my
personal favorites. Steinbeck is also pretty good at those. Hence the Nobel Prize and all. I disliked Gatsby
because it struck me as so ridiculously pompous: Affairs! Murder! Scandal! It¼s like Fitzgerald expects us to be
weeping over (IMHO) rather cartoonish characters we¼ve known for 150 pages. Again, I make a personal joke out
of hating most classical American literature, like Hemingway and Fitgerald, so don¼t worry about me.
wynand (2003-09-25 09:40:30)
Ben Folds Five! Araby! Long-term schemes with the goal of eventually being a Literate Person! YOU ARE AWESOME
kevincarter (2003-09-29 21:42:12)
I owe my Ben Folds Five fandom to you, actually. I think I read a review of Reinhold Messner a long time
ago where you said that you enjoyed Whatever and Ever Amen quite a bit more. Or something to that
effect. Plus, a good deal of my interest in storytelling came from playing your Rhygar games. It¼s absurd, but I
think Rhygar II really shaped a lot of my early ideas on what love was and what heroism was. Know that your early
efforts in video game creation were not in vain. So, basically what I¼m saying is MY AWESOMENESS WAS A
DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR AWESOMENESS. -K
wynand (2003-09-30 07:16:51)
Wow, this is the best compliment I¼ve ever gotten. Thank you!
1.5.11
Another day, another dollar. (2003-09-25 13:08)
At work and updating my livejournal yet again. Because of this, I can’t exactly go and read Faulkner afterwards, which was my original plan. I’m not going to pay it any mind, though. You, my audience, are far
more important than me gaining knowledge of one of our country’s greatest writers! I meant for that to be
sarcastic originally, but it’s probably true.
I wasn’t feeling too great last night (not sure what I came down with), and so I slept through my AsianAmerican studies class today to rest up a bit. I felt guilty doing it, but I feel so much better than I did when
I initially woke up. Sometimes, I think I need to stop running around so much, for fear that this will become
a common occurrence. But the problem is that I really did want to go. It wasn’t like high school, where I
blew things off because I coughed a little in the morning. I just didn’t feel like I could have made it to class.
I’ll probably be meeting my dad’s girlfriend tonight, since the plan is for the three of us to go out to
dinner. This will be... bizarre, definitely, because we were always extremely protected from his ”outside
influences.” Then will come the hard part, which is telling my mom that I’ve met her. She requested for me
to do this, and I agreed, so I’m going to have to follow through. This sort of puts me in between a rock
and a hard place, but I don’t think there’s any reason to pretend that my dad doesn’t have a girlfriend.
Honestly. I think it’s going to be important to meet her, since I want to maintain the close relationship I
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have with him. My family situation, considering how bad divorces can be on kids, is pretty damn good for
me. I have good relationships with my mom and dad both. Sometimes, though, I worry about the impact of
the whole thing on my brother and sister. Hopefully, they’re going to end up okay after it. They never really
established a relationship with my dad when he was still living in the house, whereas we went to basketball
games and football games and had theological discussions when I was a boy. (”When I was a boy, everything
was riiiiight.” -The Beatles) (”I was a girl too, and you were just like me, and I was just like you.” -Dar
Williams) Anyway, he was plugged in and was unplugged either of his own volition or of my mom’s. Anyway,
I love them both dearly, so this situation shouldn’t have too profound an effect upon where we stand with
each other.
There’s work to do and reading to do before then, though, so I had better get to it.
mycalliope (2003-09-25 12:35:53)
damnit. i was going to ask you what we did in class today. i didn¼t make it either.
kevincarter (2003-09-25 13:27:06)
Dr. Rajgopal sent us an e-mail telling us what the assignment is. Do you need me to forward it to you? Also, do you
want to think about potentially forming a group for this end-of-the-semester project? I don¼t really know anyone
else in there, and it seems like you¼d be a group partner. :) -K
mycalliope (2003-09-25 13:38:59)
i got it :-)i¼d definitely be up to forming a group for the project. i¼m kinda bossy in groups, but i¼ll try to be
nice :-) ok, she mentions a glbt panel in the email. do you know when this is? because it sounds interesting, but i
can¼t tell from the email if its tonight or some other time. are you going to go to either of the films she mentioned?
mycalliope (2003-09-25 20:11:21)
”Also the email that you sent out from the freshman that wants to put together a reading group was interesting.”
”Margaret Brown asked about Kevin Carter¼s email address. I¼m afraid I no longer have his note (it¼s difficult to
keep them all simply because of the volume of my email), but I¼m hoping that Kevin will forward himself once more
and make himself known?” is this you? just curious. a reading group sounds kind of cool...
wynand (2003-09-25 20:14:44)
Wow, I had heard ”When I Was A Boy” years and years ago on public radio and I always liked it, but this is the
first time I¼ve ever actually seen a source for it. Soon it will be downloaded, and it is all thanks to you! Folkish
recommendation: ”On The Blank Generation” by Little Jack Melody
kevincarter (2003-09-29 21:36:24)
”When I Was A Boy” is such a good song, and Dar Williams¼ early stuff is some of my favorite music ever. ”The
Mortal City,” the song, is probably on my top 25 list of greatest songs ever. Well, the entire album is amazing, really.
Highly recommended. After I get a laptop, I¼ll be sure to download ”On the Blank Generation.” Is that a reference
to Richard Hell and the Voidoids¼ song (and ideology), ”Blank Generation”? If so, I¼m even more interested. -K
airik (2003-09-25 21:58:46) .....
sits in CSM Library working*..... *doesnt update journal* i must be a slacker.
kevincarter (2003-09-29 21:36:45) Re: .....
You¼re a complete slacker. But look on the bright side... at least you¼re not a pothead! -K
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1.5.12
(2003-09-29 01:22)
Came back home tonight after spending the previous two nights in Arvada. We moved from our place on
80th and Kipling to a townhouse on 64th and Ward, due to the whole economic situation that we’ve been
going through recently. The move wasn’t too horrible, considering we had tons and tons of manpower. It
was difficult leaving the house, though, and it was especially rough leaving our dog there. Unfortunately, the
place my family’s at now wouldn’t have nearly the necessary room in the yard for Callie to run around. So,
when the neighbors asked out of the blue what we were going to do with the dog, we were more than happy
to leave her with ample room in the backyard to run around in. Still, it was extremely depressing, and I’m
not quite over it yet. (Am I ever over any old emotion? Of course not.)
Then, after the move, I went to dinner at my former AP History teacher’s house. Ms. Taylor (I realized I can’t actually address her as ”Barbara” to her face, since I’m so used to calling her Ms. Taylor) invited
a few former APsters, including Jessica (my Prom date), [1]Brandon, Hilary, and me. We basked in the sun
and ate a miraculous dinner of shrimp and pasta, engaged in witty repartee, and generally had a good time.
After that, we went to Brighton Beach Memoirs at my old high school, Pomona, and we thoroughly enjoyed
the show. Very well-done. God, I love Neil Simon. My friends Elizabeth and Beau did spectacularly, as did
the rest of the cast. It was so weird going back and seeing all the old Pomona crowd. Following that, we went
to Village Inn for dessert and talked a whole bunch there until Ms. Taylor had to leave. (This was kind of
the [2]make-up Prom crowd, for those of you who remember back that far. Everyone got along exceedingly
well, and we kept talking and talking for probably an hour in the parking lot afterwards. I didn’t want to
leave, and neither did anyone else, until it got ridiculously cold outside. I feel like I can talk to people in
that group, especially Hilary, for hours. She said the same thing in her (per usual) beautiful letter that I got
today, claiming that she ”never get[s] tired of talking to [me], which is odd because we tend to talk about
the silliest things.” That’s true, but we can talk about serious things with ease, too, whether it’s literature
or art or films or anything. If she wasn’t so wonderful, I wouldn’t have to be stuck on her, which brings me
to something I wrote tonight while freezing in my winter coat sitting at the Engineering Quad. I’ll go ahead
and transcribe:
”Cycling down the streets of Boulder, singing to myself sometimes loud but mostly softer, any song from
’Shine’ to ’Loch Lomond,’ I’m trying to hunt down a spot of benches and trees and lights while trying to find
my own voice. Inscribed in bricks upon the ground lies a sentence from Proust. One sentence, a flowered
poem that readches its leaves towards the sun each day. ’The real voyage of discovery,’ he writes, ’consists
not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.’ This is why he wrote A la recherche du temps perdu.
To remember the lost time, the time seen without new eyes. While the reader reads to see through the eyes of
another, writers write to rejuvenate their eyes. A youthful poem full of near rhymes and unsure handwriting
is an old pair of glasses. Once, they worked just fine, but when the next rolls around, it’s time for a new
prescription. (Next time, that analogy won’t seem too real, and I’ll have to try it again.)
Seeing clearly now, I gaze back at older landscapes, from yesterday to years ago, and they run together
seamlessly, a blowing in the wind. The low but lilting tone of her laugh last night, slightly ashamed that she
was one of the few to get the joke designed for the intelligentsia. That’s the one that stands out the most.
Or so I thought. Then, I imagine my hopeless picture of us in a downtown carriage on Christmas Eve, my
arms around her like some long-lost photo shoot for a Dylan album cover. The snowflake, as we draw nearer
and nearer to my mind’s eye, falls on the middle of her bottom lip, and we’re carried off again instantly,
sharing a cup of coffee. Together. When you think you’re in love – or dare I say, when you really are – you
feel those same warm sensations from years ago in a different way. The cold smell that rests on your tongue
from your mother’s coat during the winter after she’s been out to a movie with your dad, and it’s time for
the babysitter to go home. The breathless feeling you get when you step out of your car in the mountains
after a long trip into the hils. Sensations of old pictures you’ve seen or a love note on the street that fell
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out of a man’s pocket on the way to work. They become one memory, and the memory belongs to just one
person who you just want to lean over and kiss in the light of a darkened theater.
2. http://www.livejournal.com/users/kevincarter/786.html?mode=reply
pipster uwyo (2003-09-29 19:07:15) Moving, eh?
Moving¼s a hard thing to do, at least it was for me anyway. My Dad was in the Air Force, so we moved quite a bit
until he left the service. I can¼t imagine leaving a dog behind. I hope you still get to visit her.
kevincarter (2003-09-29 21:37:33) Re: Moving, eh?
I think I¼ll still be able to visit Callie once in a while, which was really the most difficult part of the move. I guess
I¼ve already separated myself from my family, to some extent, and that made the move much easier. -K
plastichope (2003-09-29 20:55:37)
i hate moving. i¼ve moved fifteen times in my whole life and it never gets easier. but i love my town house. we
don¼t have to do any lawn work. the only thing that really sucks is the terribly old neighbors that you know will
call the cops if you even look at their side wrong. well, i hope you adjust well. ˆ ˆ
kevincarter (2003-09-29 21:38:26)
Thanks. Again, the adjustment period won¼t be too bad, since I¼ll probably only be living there during the
summers. (I might not even live there during that time.) Our neighbors, although they¼re old, seem pretty nice for
the most part, so that¼s good. -K
1.5.13
Goddammit. (2003-09-30 02:04)
Yes, it’s 2:00 AM, and I promised myself I’d go to bed a half-hour ago, but I need to update this thing. (It’s
more addictive than any drug I’ve had while at college.)
I got off the phone with Hilary an hour ago. (Have you noticed many recent posts are about Hilary?
This is because I am extremely infatuated with this girl. How about a song by the Magnetic Fields called ”I
Wanna Get Over You Except I Can’t Because You’re Beautiful”? Catchy title, huh?) I’m horribly confused,
but it’s still an amazing feeling. I mean, she e-mailed me tonight depressed about not making her a capella
choir – which she should have, since she has the most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard and that’s not the crush
talking – and said that she wrote the e-mail because she ”just [didn’t] feel like talking to anyone else.” (For
those of you who know me, understand that I have the right to creepily quote your e-mails to me in this
journal.) So, as I was riding on my bike back from Norlin in the dark without a helmet (not good, kiddies!),
I was... well... not concentrating so much on what I was doing and more concentrating on what I was going
to say to her on the phone when I bit it. So, now, my knee hurts and my arm hurts, but I’m lucky I didn’t
get hurt, but that’s beside the point. I called her up, wanting to talk to her, and did for an hour and a half.
This is significant because I thought we talked about everything possible over the course of Saturday night,
which we obviously couldn’t have. It wasn’t even anything deep, really. Just talking and listening to each
other and having someone that understood that was important. And I’m sighing all night and am probably
going to turn on either Desire or Nashville Skyline in a minute.
I don’t know what to do, because I’ve fallen so hard (not on my bike, but metaphorically) and things
are so confusing. Why can’t I let go? (Easy: because I don’t want to.) I really honestly care about her
so much, and I’m overwhelmed with emotion all the time, and it’s not healthy, and I can’t write tonight,
but at least I’m getting some things off of my chest. I don’t want to wait for her, because first of all she
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wouldn’t date me. I know she wouldn’t. There’s too much there for her to want to date me, and there’s
too much distance, and there’s too much everything. I’m almost positive she knows how I feel and shows
no signs of reciprocating (well, very minimal signs, but I read into things too much), so why do I bother? I
bother because I have to, and because I’m wholly under the spell of the drowsy way she talks when she’s on
Sudafed or the way she laughs at a stupid joke or anything.
What am I doing? I don’t know. All I can do, it feels like, is write shitty emo sob stories about things
and compose lousy prose in my notebook. Off to do that now.
ajestyr (2003-09-30 11:15:51)
i know where ur comming from, most of us do and we¼ve gone through the same thing, all i have to say is take a
chance. bite the bullit and ask her on a date. do it dude, and by the way this is andy ttyl
kevincarter (2003-10-01 18:31:29)
Andy, you aren¼t cool at all. Not a bit. You need to read the rest of the journal and use proper grammar and
spelling before I¼ll take your advice. In all honesty, it was fun having dinner tonight, but not so much with Heidi,
who really has a tendency to get under my skin. Have a good one. :) -K
ecredes (2003-09-30 22:45:35) ...
i take a chance...tell myself...”hmm...i havent checked everyones blogs for quite a long while...maybe ill just read a
few..” yours is the first one i read...and i think to myself ”...wait...kevin carter is getting lazy on us...he just copy and
pasted his post about hilary from a month ago...! no wait...he added the part about falling off his bike...i guess it
counts as a new post” http://maddox.xmission.com/suicide.html #2 is particularly amusing to me...and i dont know
what it is about #10 but i cried from laughing so hard.. Do i need to spell it out for you? Yes, i¼m quite aware that
link applies to me too...and i think i¼ve pointed it out before...but thats the reason i can judge...
kevincarter (2003-10-02 15:24:06) Re: ...
Oh, god. I really am copying and pasting posts at this point. Maybe that¼s because my emotion can¼t possibly
grow any more if we¼re not involved in a relationship where both of us are actively participating. Plus, that part
about the bike was funny. You¼ve gotta admit that. Maddox rocks shit, in the words of Dallas Lynn. He¼s a
frickin¼ genius, and I find him extremely hilarious. Both of them, really. #2 applies quite a bit to the both of us,
but I think we should stick it out until it doesn¼t any more. -K
airik (2003-10-02 08:19:16) ...i know you've alreay probably memorized the site but.....
http://www.intellectualwhores.com threes something about girls using a guy for emotional support blab blab blab....
kevincarter (2003-10-02 15:25:03) Re: ...i know you've alreay probably memorized the site but.....
Right now, I¼m starting to understand that I¼m an intellectual whore, but I¼m at the point where I just don¼t
care about my status with her, as long as I have status with her. And, yes, I have memorized the site. :) -K
(2003-10-02 20:23:18)
KEvin Cartere falling off his bkie!!!!!! Funniest thing evewr pictured in my head!!!@@!!
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1.6
1.6.1
October
Off. (2003-10-02 19:40)
I’m, uh, off to the mountains for tonight to get absolutely trashed. My e-mail address isn’t working at the
moment, but you *can* e-mail me at [email protected] if you need to. Have a good night!
fakesuicide (2003-10-02 18:46:20)
Sounds like a blast :/
1.6.2
Trial. (2003-10-04 17:02)
Ouch. Burn. This post used to be a recap of the journal so far, but I’m editing it since someone let me
know it was a pretty crappy idea. Anyway, if you’re just starting to read this journal, post so I know it’s
you. Thanks.
mycalliope (2003-10-04 19:03:38)
k, this has absolutely nothing to do with your post, but... 1) do you have the Hammomoto book we¼re supposed
to read for class tuesday? have you read it? if you don¼t plan on leaving the reading off til the last minute-and
therefore need it monday night-could i possibly borrow it? 2) want to go get coffee sometime? k, thats all.
kevincarter (2003-10-05 16:12:10)
1) I do have a copy of Hamamoto, and I¼m planning on reading it tonight, so I can deliver it to you tomorrow
if you¼re going to be on campus. Just e-mail me or give me a call at (303) 786-0031. 2) I¼d love to get coffee
sometime, and maybe we could even grab it tomorrow to save you a trip. On second thought, maybe we could meet
at Prufrock¼s or Buchanan¼s or something tomorrow, and I could give you the book then. -K
mycalliope (2003-10-05 16:18:33)
sweet! you are my new hero. i have a break between classes from 2-3 and 4-5:45 and then i get out of class at seven.
so i can get coffee anytime in the evening, or between classes, if that works for you. lemme know. i haven¼t been
to buchanans. how is it? i tend to go to prufrocks, but i¼m always open to new coffee shops :-)
kevincarter (2003-10-06 09:08:55)
If it would work for you, I could deliver the book at 2ish. Where do you have class? I just realized how much easier
this would be if we used the standard mode of communication: telephones. :) I¼ll be on main campus, so that¼ll
work out nicely. Also, since I didn¼t exactly get a lot of sleep last night, besides having Choir tonight, is there
anyway I could take a rain check on coffee? We could do it tomorrow evening or something. I haven¼t been to
Buchanan¼s either, so we¼ll have to make a choice on whether to stick to Old Reliable or not. -K
mycalliope (2003-10-06 09:46:33)
NO! I¼m going to force you to get coffee. j/k, thats fine :-) how about i give you a call later once i¼m on campus?
ecredes (2003-10-07 22:25:04) haha
haha i thougth you were gonna completely turn the sentence around on her once i read ”on second thought” ”I¼d
love to get coffee sometime, and maybe we could even grab it tomorrow to save you a trip. On second thought,
killing myself seems like a better idea...” such a perfect chance to make someone feel like shit too...why cant someone
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that deserves those situations be put in them? :-*
airik (2003-10-05 00:41:43) hey
wow...all i ever needed to know about KEVIN CARTER like a table of contents! you forget to mention the time when
you threw my controller....and that other time when um....you got lain back. hahahhaha whattta joke! (lain)
kevincarter (2003-10-05 16:13:08) Re: hey
Sadly, it really is all you need to know about me. Actually, it¼s a lot more than you did. I really do need to write
about when I threw your controller. Oh, yeah. I watched Lain last night, since I have the tapes and all. THANKS,
DEVIN. -K
(2003-10-05 02:24:48)
You certainly have a high opinion of yourself and the degree of interest you hold.
lostheaven (2003-10-05 10:41:48)
hey kevin, I think this anonymous user thinks you¼re full of yourself. <marquee>:-*</marquee>
kevincarter (2003-10-05 16:18:05)
Thanks, Jared. Until I read your comment, that wasn¼t clear at all. Oh, and why didn¼t you come down last
night? We had a Denny¼s night and looked at all of the pain.jpg¼s at Adam¼s house. It was amazing. -K
pipster uwyo (2003-10-05 11:59:16)
nods in agreement* Kevin sure does. Just don¼t argue theology with him.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-05 12:17:18)
That sounded mean. Sorry. I was just kidding. Still friends? :)
kevincarter (2003-10-05 16:20:02)
Still friends. And it didn¼t sound that mean. The problem is I¼m not exactly as firm on my theological points
lately. In general, I can discuss Christianity with some knowledge, but in anything else, someone with a general
knowledge of the subject can talk circles around me. Hopefully, I can take a comparative religion course up at CU.
-K
kevincarter (2003-10-05 16:16:49)
I got zinged. Big time. Oh well. Generally, my journal entries aren¼t that self-aggrandizing, and I didn¼t really
think this one was either, but you might be right. Really, it was designed for people who wouldn¼t have wanted to
read all of my entries, so my assumption was that people interested in the post wouldn¼t care to know every single
detail of my life. The whole ”Best of Kevin Carter” thing was a self-deprecating, facetious joke. I remember seeing
people do these kind of posts in the past, and it was never that big of a deal. Oh, and you missed the whole point
of the original post! You were supposed to tell me who you were if you were reading anonymously. No hard feelings;
promise. -K
Screw people like that. They aren¼t worth your time or effort. Personally, I thought that it was a good post, and
I¼ve been in the same situation. I went friends-only, which diappointed me, but was necessary.
kevincarter (2003-10-05 16:21:09)
Going friends-only wouldn¼t be a good decision for me, because the whole purpose of my journal is clearing the air
about my feelings. I don¼t want to stir drama, but if drama is stirred by people taking offense to posts, I guess
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that¼s the price I have to pay for this little experiment. :) -K
yesthatems (2003-10-05 13:07:00)
I didn¼t even see the post, but it sounds intriguing. *cough*
kevincarter (2003-10-05 16:22:04)
I think I¼m probably going to add the entries to my memories list, so if you¼d really like to, you can always see
them later. Oh, and I know I¼m hopelessly overdue on the paper. Can I give it to you for half-credit, because my
e-mail account has been down? Pretty please? -K
yesthatems (2003-10-05 18:17:49) The sugar bowl
ponders* Mmkay. I was beginning to think that when you said, ”You¼ll hear from me”, you were talking about
sometime within your future life span, and not within the given time period. Besides, I¼ve been reading this, which
has most of the basic Challenge requirements.
yesthatems (2003-10-05 18:19:08) Re: The sugar bowl
I¼ve been reading this, which This meaning your LJ. Duhr.
dim sim sophia (2003-10-07 05:55:09)
congratulations.... you have another friend you¼ll probably never speak to, see or even read their journal... but i
added you anyway. hope you¼re not hideously offended! sophia
1.6.3
(2003-10-09 13:00)
So, I know I haven’t updated recently, and while I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seats waiting for the
alcohol story, you’re just going to have to wait a little longer. (This was me being sarcastic, not serious, just
in case anyone wants to criticize me for being self-aggrandizing.)
I’m finally getting a computer tonight, which is why! Hello livejournal, Something Awful forums, and
AIM. Plus a word processor for NaNoWriMo, which I want to do some prep for today. Off to do something
amazingly productive, such as writing thank you letters to my relatives for birthday presents, as well as
planning for my novel and getting a little shuteye.
1.6.4
A post. (2003-10-10 11:46)
Well, regrettably, my dad didn’t end up bringing his laptop last night, because he couldn’t get his files sent
to himself through e-mail on Hotmail. I suppose I can hold out for a few more days. Ah well.
So, I’m at work yet again, and I’ll probably have to leave in around... oh... ten minutes, since I’m
supposed to be pulling books right now. (I’ve already finished, and the comment I get after taking a few
minutes for leisure time is ”you’re so fast!” I don’t think it can hurt to take a few minutes from The Man.
So, a basic update of what’s been going on in my life might be in order. As a few of you know,
last Thursday during Fall Break, I went up to Empire to a guy on my floor’s (Caden) cabin. Everyone
donated a little money for the good cause of celebrating our liberation from the hands of classes and
homework, which didn’t eliminate the fact that we had to do it all anyway on Sunday night, but it made
coping with the idea a little easier.
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One special brew, I get pissed quick
And get sick,
So I don’t do it no more.
I won’t find
Peace of mind
Rollin’ around on the floor.
-Maxi Jazz, Faithless, ”Reverence”
So, this becomes known as the drunk post. We ended up buying mass quantities of Keystone Light
(which is a terrible beer that you should never drink, even if you’re into that sort of thing), and we packed
our bags and headed up there. By the time we had gotten up there, I already had four beers in my system
and was starting to get a little woozy. I was having a good time, and we were jamming to horrible music
but still getting really into it. Strange how much of an negative effect alcohol has on good taste.
At any rate, we started eating chips and playing King’s Cup, which is actually kind of a fun game.
However, I felt guilty hearing
Don’t you know the game Kazaam? It’s a better game. You point your hand at someone and then
say somebody else’s name. And it alternates whose turn it is, and if you lose, you drink. They said, ’Man,
you really make us think. Yeah, you make us think
in my head, thinking about how I was just another member of the ”Party Generation.” Somehow,
though, I didn’t care too much at that point. I was much more into acting stupid and loudly banging
my hands on the table to the rhythm of Led Zeppelin, which was playing. Someone had the bright idea,
after a while, of turning Zeppelin off in favor of some crappy rap music, which we proceeded to (quite
embarassingly) dance to. Trust me; this was not a pretty sight. We have pictures. That’s not a good thing.
Dancing is much easier when drunk, though. You lose your inhibitions and can actually move your
body without being horribly embarassed or self-conscious. I think that when I’m drunk, I’m like most
normal high-schoolers were while sober, which is certainly not a good thing. (Hence, the Faithless lyrics
above.) Of course, I started even more embarassingly dancing with Colleen and Valerie, which turned into
grinding that made for extremely awkward conversation the next day. Colleen, who’s a cool pre-journalism
major, still gives me a bad time about suddenly transforming from liberal hipster to misogynist in a matter
of minutes. This also turned into several awkward lip-touches. I won’t call them kisses, because we were
pretty much too drunk to actually kiss. It was more trying to touch our lips together without banging into
other things. Not a great experience.
All in all, being drunk for the first time made me into a prehistoric ape. It’s not something that I
plan to do again any time soon, and there was absolutely not intellectual appeal to it. Getting a slight buzz
is something I plan to do at parties or whatever if alcohol is being served, but I never want to end up puking
drunk again.
I’ll probably edit this post later to actually add some decent commentary about this whole experience, but for now, I need to head back to work.
lain iwakura (2003-10-10 12:11:30)
That is why I have yet to do it... thanks for reinforcing it. :)
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kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:14:08)
You¼re welcome. I would recommend the experience, because it isn¼t all that harmful, but certainly not the
experience twice. -K
the chuck (2003-10-10 12:48:47)
ugh!! they drink keystone light here too. it¼s terrible. some girl got hammered to fuck last night and proceeded to
vomit in the girls¼ bathroom, so i took a picture of it and submitted it to boners.com. i pray they put it up. if i had
to drink, i would totally avoid keystone and natural light. i have yet to try bacardi.. hmm
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:16:08)
Chances are that if, for some unknown reason, I was required to get drunk again, I would choose liquor rather than
beer. Generally, mixed drinks have a much better taste, and you don¼t get as full from drinking them. This is a
better situation, or so it seems to me. Plus, if I ever drink mass quantities of beer again, it will be to enjoy the taste
of a good one. Probably imported, because I have to live up to the hipster title. -K
airik (2003-10-10 15:04:50) hmm..
So you got drunk....how drunk? what did you puke on? did you even puke? did you pass out? and all you drank was
keystone.....boO! and bacardi is good, just to let you know.
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:18:50) Re: hmm..
Edited to answer your questions. I... uh... kinda passed out, but I think it might have been a combination of both
exhaustion and drunkenness. Keystone sucks. -K
pipster uwyo (2003-10-10 20:02:10) I stand corrected...
You don¼t need a theme song. No. You need a drinking song. And I¼m thinking maybe Tracy Byrd¼s ”Drinkin
Bone” is a good song for you. :) The drinkin¼ bone is connected to the party bone The party bone¼s connected
to the stayin¼ out all night long And she won¼t think it¼s funny And I¼ll wind up all alone And the lonely bone¼s
connected to the drinkin¼ bone 
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:19:48) Re: I stand corrected...
I refuse to have a country song as my drinking song. Far preferable to this is any other kind of song, optimally some
form of music. :) -K
plastichope (2003-10-10 23:29:21)
you¼re the only person i know who writes about being drunk in a very analytic manner. but that¼s cool, i wouldn¼t
expect anything else from ya. ;) just try not to take it so seriously. it¼ll just raise hell, trust me.
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:22:08)
If there¼s one thing someone can say about me, it¼s that I¼m overly analytical. Taking things seriously is probably
another. For me, most of this stuff is an intellectual exercise, or at least it gets me off the hook to claim that. There
are so many experiences that I haven¼t had, and I feel like I¼m playing catch-up somehow. To understand what
other people are talking about, I think you should have some concept of what being drunk feels like as a sensation
and a mental state. -K
mycalliope (2003-10-11 00:32:47)
keystone light??????
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kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:22:24)
It was god-awful. -K
ex turbulenc506 (2003-10-11 13:52:14)
I think that when I¼m drunk, I¼m like most normal high-schoolers were while sober, which is certainly not a
good thing. Are you saying sober-<lj user=”turbulence”> acts like drunk-<lj user=”kevincarter”>, or are you
saying that <lj user=”turbulence”> is not normal?
kevincarter (2003-10-11 14:02:10)
I¼m saying that <lj user=”turbulence”> is not normal, which is a very good thing. -K
1.6.5
(2003-10-11 12:03)
You are about to engage in stupid teen angst psychodrama that is cliched and stupid. The problem isn’t
that I know this; the problem is that I’m going to tell you about it anyway, because I’m angry.
Well, the plan was for [1]Brandon and me to head up to [2]CSU today to see [3]Hilary and Jessica.
(I think you can see from that post that I really care about her, but that I’m just angry about what
happened today.) Yesterday, we called them up to see if today would be a good day to come up, and it was
decided on that we should come up during the early afternoon and hang out to see the sights of Fort Collins.
Brandon was planning on leaving Mines at 12:30 PM and picking me up at 1:00 PM, so we dutifully set our
alarm clocks after going to sleep pretty damned late last night. This was after a visit to Mines, which was
fun but considerably less important than what else happened today.
My phone rings at about 11:45, about fifteen minutes before I would have showered, gotten dressed,
eaten something, and headed out the door. It’s Hilary on the line, saying that she had to go home today
because she told her mom she would. First of all, calling a half-hour before someone comes up is patently
absurd, particularly when you’ve confirmed that things were going to work out for that day. In defense
of this action, I guess, she told me that she was considering going home when we talked on the phone
yesterday, but sounded like she was almost certainly going to scrap the idea. She had to take our mutual
friend Elizabeth back to Arvada, which would have required a trip from her, but I offered to do it. Anyway,
I don’t think this will be a problem, so I tell her just to go back a little later tonight. I said that we didn’t
need to spend the entire day or anything up there, so she should head back after a few hours. Somehow, she
felt the situation was extremely urgent to go back home, even though she really had nothing to do today.
What I’m writing isn’t making any sense.
Now, if this would have been Sunday, I could have understood the studying thing. If you have a
test during the week to come, studying for it is certainly acceptable. Of course, I don’t begrudge her for
that. The problem is that it’s Saturday, and she has a full two days to study for the test. She talked about
not being able to study at the library and only being able to study for hour breaks at a time, but this is
considering the fact that we’ve done quite a bit of homework together, and I’ve never seen this characteristic
surface at all. Her story wasn’t checking out. Things were fishy. Every suggestion I offered on how we
could come up was denied flat-out, without a reason. When I asked why she couldn’t just stay at home
back in Arvada and do a little studying there, she simply said that she didn’t ”want to sleep the night over
there,” with no reasoning about why this is true. Normally, she’s a good liar, but I don’t think she could
manufacture answers to the questions I was asking that quickly.
Now, I think Jessica’s excuses were perfectly legitimate.
She had three tests to study for, which
141
means that this weekend wouldn’t have worked out. That’s absolutely fine with me... I can understand
perfectly how it is when you just don’t have time to see people. My one suggestion to her would have been
to call me earlier, before Brandon was about to drive all the way to Boulder to pick me up. Or, when we
say that we’re thinking about coming up tomorrow, tell us that it’s not going to work. I would have been
completely cool with that.
Now, I see this could have happened two ways.
A) She actually wanted to see me, which was really difficult for her to do this weekend because of
large quantities of homework. Again, this wouldn’t have been a big deal. Just tell us beforehand. In this
case, I feel really bad for calling bullshit on all of her excuses right now. Maybe she just couldn’t articulate
how much she had to do and why she couldn’t do it. In which case, I feel kind of guilty about the way I’m
acting.
or the far more likely
B) She didn’t want to see me, which is fine. The problem with this is her passive-aggressiveness
coming out again. She told me that she wanted to reschedule, which has happened before, as those of you
who know about the Make-Up Prom incident know. What I’m guessing is that, perhaps after talking about
the situation with other people, they advised her to stop ”leading [me] on” if she wasn’t going to date me,
or something like that, by not having me come up to see her at college. This is probably very sound advice.
What she should have said in this case was that she didn’t really want me to drive all the way up there
only to give me a wrong impression about the future of our relationship. Because, let’s face it: there’s an
awkwardness about how we act toward each other right now. I mean, we send long letters back and forth,
we try to meet up when we’re both in town. We do a lot of things that a couple would traditionally do. So,
I can see how me going up to visit her would be a big step that she’s not entirely comfortable with.
The fact that she told me we’ll reschedule it is so reminiscent of the Make-up Prom thing that I
want to spit. When she doesn’t want to do things, she feels like she can put them off until they’re forgotten
about. Well, I’m not going to forget about it, so I decided I wasn’t going to go easy on her after I called her.
It’s the second time that something very similar has happened. I had to call her back up to tell her that
I couldn’t get a hold of Brandon at his house in Arvada, which meant that he would have to drive all the
way up to Boulder from Golden, only to be told that we weren’t going up today if the decision still stood.
She was pretty selfishly fine with that, thinking that whatever served her purposes was fine. Before I got off
the phone, I gave her a piece of my mind about all of this. I told her that she shouldn’t continue doing this
crap. I told her to give us some notice if something like this happens, and that she could just tell me if she
didn’t want us to come up there for some reason. Before I got off the phone, Jessica wanted to talk to me.
(I honestly don’t feel that this debacle was Jessica’s fault at all.) She told me not to make Hilary feel guilty
about this thing, because they needed to study too. I acknowledged the validity of this. I wasn’t trying to
make Hilary feel bad. I wasn’t trying to make her cry. All I wanted to do was set the record straight that I
wasn’t going to continue letting this stuff happen to me.
All I know is that I’m not going to feel guilty for this happening, regardless. It’s just common courtesy to let someone know beforehand that something isn’t going to work out if they’re planning on driving
an hour-and-a-half to see you. Yes, I’m angry about it, and I have the right to be. Particularly if this whole
thing wasn’t at all about homework, which I suspect.
I feel a little bit better now, but I need to do some writing about how I feel. (Not that I haven’t
already, as you’ve clearly seen in this post.) Or maybe I need to get some sleep or get my mind off of all of
this somehow. Or maybe I’ll just read the letters and be a big emo kid and sob in my pillow while listening
142
to Sigur Ros. That last option is sounding pretty damned appealing.
TL;DR version: Hilary doesn’t want me to come to Fort Collins because she doesn’t
like me, and I’m going to be a sad puppy for the remainder of the day.
2. http://www.colostate.edu/
obsidion knight (2003-10-11 12:07:18)
All I have to say is, CSU fucks with women... DAMN YOU CSU!!!!!!!!!!! *throws keys at CSU* ... shit...
forsberg21 (2003-10-11 20:11:15)
haha! that¼s funny. And probably true. CSU is crap anyways.
obsidion knight (2003-10-11 20:23:45)
.... ok... first off.... I almost creamed my pants when my pop up window told me Peter Forsberg responded to my
post... Unfortunately, it wasn¼t Peter, but I became happy when I saw it was a cute woman called Jen-Jen who
likes the best player (non goalie) in hockey history. Anyways. On the ”probably true” part, it is very true. Just look
at a few of my updates. Again, DAMN YOU CSU!!!!!! And Kevin, thanks for coming to Mines Friday. Had a lot of
fun, and it killed some pain :-p ...good away message... And if you ever want to try that... freaky, indian ”herbal”
stuff, I¼ll watch you and make sure you don¼t stumble out into the street or anything. It¼s really unfortunate
about what has produced out of your relationship with Hilary, but realize you¼re at freakin¼ CU.
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:40:32)
Ha, ha! I didn¼t even realize the significance of the consecutive hockey fan comments until you pointed it out.
You¼re absolutely welcome for coming up to Mines. I had an awesome time... eating outside of Kinko¼s and
viewing SA images. I meant that to be sarcastic, but I really did have fun. Come down here sometime, and we¼ll
kill pain together! Thanks for watching me while I¼m high off of sketchy substances. I¼m more than willing to
do the same thing for you! Realizing I¼m at CU is a good idea, too. Later. -K
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:24:17)
That¼s right. Colorado¼s Second University. Comedy gold. -K
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:23:35)
Jeremy, you have to throw something that you don¼t need at CSU. Preferably something I was supposed to deliver
today. -K
obsidion knight (2003-10-11 20:29:24)
al;skdjf Shit, you¼re right. It took me about 30 mins to find those fucking keys, while I was starving and trying to
get to Subway. And actually, when I was up at CSU, and realized I still had her make-up, I wanted to throw it at
the dorm, but, alas, I didn¼t. *throws case this time* HA HA1 TAKE THAT CSU!!!!!
kevincarter (2003-10-12 12:01:14)
Oh, god... I hadn¼t realized before about how good that image would be in an emo song. 1st VERSE: I¼m
driving back from heartache– Just another earthquake. Before we reach the hilltop, This old car hits a dead stop.
CHORUS: And your makeup case Flies from its place On the floor. Your smile flashes Through my eyes; My soul
is sore. – Sweet Jesus... I¼m Chris Carraba without the yelling fanbase. -K
143
obsidion knight (2003-10-12 12:02:40)
haha! krazy kevin karter.
(2003-10-11 12:12:24) Mr. Wark
Dude, that is so fucked up. If she ever pulls this shit again, you should call her again and get a real fucking reason
why the bitch doesn¼t want you up there... make her cry... make her feel fucking guilty. Hey, I know girls are great,
I love em.. but you can¼t let anyone, guy or girl fuck with you. Drop kick the bitch into next week a then she if she
ever feels like fucking with you again. Goddamn bitches, think they have all the fucking power. You deserve better
than that cunt of a whore named Hilllllarey. Stupid bitch. Dude, you have like 183942348 fucking girls up at CU, I
am sure you could find a good one, and while your at it, get me one! *Disclaimer: I mean no harm towards women,
nor the degredation of women in any fashion. Just those that fuck with a guy¼s heart. Stupid Bitches
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:28:26) Re: Mr. Wark
It¼s fucked up, and I shouldn¼t take it, but I don¼t want to make her hurt because of it either. This might be
the impetus behind me finally moving on to stop being an absolute lovesick baby about this stuff. Being passive
aggressive and making her feel guilty is only further causing the problem, I think. Needless to say, dropkicking
probably isn¼t the best option. :) In short, Hilary isn¼t a cunt of a whore. She¼s a confused person (and aren¼t
we all) who doesn¼t understand exactly what she wants. I don¼t think I deserve better, but I think I need
someone different at this point in my life. Trust me, though. After I find someone, you¼re next up on my
matchmaking list. -K
pipster uwyo (2003-10-11 14:54:11)
I don¼t think you want to know my personal opinions about Hilary. Girls can be unreasonably cruel and dishonest,
not only to guys, but to other girls as well. It¼s not fair and not cool. Life would be a whole lot easier if people were
just honest with each other.
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:29:50)
I agree with the above. Guys can also be unreasonably cruel and dishonest, though, as I¼ve seen multiple times.
I¼ve tried to be as honest as I can without being a complete sap and making unwanted advances, but it really
hasn¼t gotten me anywhere in the relationship. Time to start coping with the fact that it isn¼t going to happen.
-K
plastichope (2003-10-11 18:45:31)
that¼s good that you gave her a peice of your mind. maybe it¼ll give her something to think about. i hate when
people do things like that to me too. recently that happened to me and it upset me since i told people i couldn¼t
do anything because of something that i planned a week ago, only for the other person to bail out on me. not cool.
don¼t let her get to you too much and if she does, then don¼t bother with it. you¼re too young to be worrying
about one girl. you¼re in college, for christ¼s sakes. meet some more girls and live it up. lol. ;)
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:31:42)
Not at all bad advice. It¼s not that big of a deal if she broke it off for a good reason, but at this point, I probably
don¼t have any reason to bother with it. Thanks for putting this into perspective. -K
lostheaven (2003-10-11 19:18:52)
Kevin, take off your love goggles for just one moment and realize that you¼ll never have a relationship with her.
What she has done is pretty fucked up but its not entirely her fault, its partially yours too.
144
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:32:06)
Thanks, Jared. This isn¼t what I wanted to hear right now, but it¼s probably what I needed to. -K
lostheaven (2003-10-11 21:18:40)
Yeah, I know. If you¼re offended... then get over it. I¼m sorry if it hurts but sometimes the truth hurts. The
truth helped me. It should hopefully help you!
kevincarter (2003-10-12 11:51:19)
Nope. As you know, I¼m not offended, and I followed your advice on how to forget without a hangover, which
seemed to work. The truth shall set you free. -K
mycalliope (2003-10-11 20:27:48)
i wish you¼d made it up to fort collins, because that¼s where i am and i¼m fucking bored and in a really bad mood
and not wanting to hang out with any of my friends and then i could have made you go get coffee with me....
kevincarter (2003-10-11 20:34:53)
Hey, you should be in Boulder right now. Being made to get coffee with you isn¼t exactly something you¼d have
to force me to do. :) Before I got this comment, I was thinking about giving you a call. Damn. Maybe tomorrow?
(Don¼t you love how we use livejournal for our social planning calendars?) -K
mycalliope (2003-10-11 20:38:04)
i wish i was in boulder. i don¼t like being in fort collins. for some reason it always puts me in a bad mood. i have
to help my mom with her art show for a couple hours tomorrow, but i¼ll be back in boulder around four, so i can
definitely get coffee after that :-) and i think that livejournal is a perfectly acceptable tool for planning stuff. i think
its easier than playing phone tag for hours and hours which is what i always end up doing with people.
kevincarter (2003-10-12 11:50:03)
Sounds good. And I agree that LJ can be effectively used as a tool. I just think it¼s funny that five years ago, we
never would have imagined anything like this happening. I mean, the fact that we knew each other online before
we met by chance in real life is... bizarre. Anyway, I¼ll give you a call pre-coffee, leaving correspondence here as
the next best option. :) -K
mycalliope (2003-10-12 13:59:11)
ok, now i think i¼m going to have to take a rain check. i didn¼t get any sleep last night or the night before, so
i don¼t think i¼d be much fun hang out with. sorry!
forsberg21 (2003-10-11 20:45:26)
That¼s right! Don¼t let someone fuck with ya like that!! Sheesh, you¼re at CU. Honestly. Someone doing that to
you is a huge red flag. Don¼t let someone treat you like that :(
kevincarter (2003-10-12 11:53:55)
I think you¼re right, but I also think that relationships are people (figuratively and sometimes literally) fucking
with each other. Of course, if it becomes too much, then it¼s unhealthy. If my suspicions are right about this whole
situation, it¼s a huge red flag. If not, it¼s a very, very minor one that has little or no relevance. Which means
I¼m a complete bastard, basically. :) But thanks for your commentary... it really did help. -K
(2003-10-11 21:45:05)
First of all,I still believe that you hold a rather high opinion of yourself, Kevin Carter. Secondly, I understand that
it sucks when plans get cancelled, but you have to realize that it¼s part of life. thirdly, if you love this girl, Hillary,
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the way you say you do, then why are you SO angry. It¼s natural to be upset, but if she told her mom she would
go home, then doesn¼t it make sense that she would? Maybe she honestly had alot of homework to do, and you are
just being really selfish. you have made her out to be a really intelligent girl, so it would also make sense that she
would study. And for your knowledge, just because a person has two days to study, that doesn¼t meant that they
will automatically leave it to the last day. An intelligent sounding person like you should know that. And as a girl, I
will tell you personally that if you haven¼t gotten the hint by now that nothing is going to happen, then you need
to realize that the truth hurts, but that¼s what this is. I know in her not telling to your face you she has hurt you
more, but do you really want to hear her say ”I don¼t care for you?” I didn¼t think so.
(2003-10-12 10:46:43)
In these posts i see a lot of dichotomy about how boys and girls think/act. It would do us all a world of good to
at least imagine for a moment that boys and girls think the same way, and then we can put ourselves in Hilary¼s
shoes. She may be confused, and she may not want to hurt anyone, but unfortunately, what she can¼t see is that the
least painful thing she could do is tell the truth. Nothing is going to change the facts (assuming these are the facts)
that she doesnt want to date Kevin, and for that reason feels uncomfortable, so she ought to just get the facts out
in the open stop playing games. And it is not unreasonable for Kevin to the demand the truth – from ANYBODY.
The unfortunate thing is that for every piece of confusion and uncertainty that Hilary throws at Kevin, he has to
deal with it with his own insecurities/confusion, which is the big fat mess that every teenage relationship starts/ends
with. A question for Kevin: Does Hilary know about this site? If so, are you sure you aren¼t using it to manipulate
her? If not, are you sure you really have been honest with her?
(2003-10-12 10:57:56)
One more thing; it think it would benefit you, Kevin, if in relationships you plain stopped trusting people¼s words
over their actions. Forget every thing Hilary commented about it – and looking only at the things she did and not
said, do you think she has feelings for you? Words are often misguided as well as sugar coated, but very rarely will
someone misguide you with their actions.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-12 11:17:18)
For an anonymous person, you sure have a lot to say and you seem to hold a pretty high opinion of yourself and
your advice. Ironic.
kevincarter (2003-10-12 11:42:21)
These were actually two unique anonymous people that commented. Their attitudes about the situation are very, very different. Also, their IP addresses indicate that one (129.82.60.144 with the hostname
brai60144.halls.colostate.edu) is posting from Braiden Hall at CSU, while the other (128.138.34.65 with the hostname dlyt34-65-dhcp.resnet.colorado.edu) is posting from an unknown location here at CU. I¼ll make replies in
a while to both of them, because I think they both bring up some interesting points. -K
kevincarter (2003-10-12 11:47:07)
Just realized that the hostname dlyt indicated Darley Towers here at CU. Apparently, you¼re never really anonymous on the internet. Scary thought. -K
kevincarter (2003-10-12 12:31:38)
You make really interesting points about the dichotomy between the ways that boys and girls think and act. I¼ve
seen this happen in relationships before, when it would have been much easier for the girl to tell me that she wasn¼t
interested. This is especially helpful for me, because I have a somewhat difficult time establishing connections with
people. When I do, I feel like everything clicks, even if it doesn¼t. If it doesn¼t, I feel like I should know about,
so I agree with what you¼ve said there. Game playing is not something I like, and it¼s not something I¼m
good at, either. Your point about confusion and uncertainty on both sides really struck me. These things could be
146
eliminated, it seems, if both sides were truthful which each other, which may be a very good reason to call Hilary
today and ultimately work things out. Hilary does know about this site, because I wrote it to her in a letter during
one of those ”baring my soul to you” things. This was definitely a bad idea, because I write about her quite a bit
and the manipulation aspect wouldn¼t be good at all. It doesn¼t matter that much, though, because after that,
she told me she didn¼t want to read what should be secrets for people. She said that because she wouldn¼t want
anyone reading what¼s in her journal, she¼d do the same thing. So, manipulation thankfully wouldn¼t be going
on in this situation. Which brings be to your next question, about whether I¼ve been honest with her. Sometimes,
I feel like I¼ve been too honest and making unwanted advances towards a relationship. I¼ve backed off on that
a little bit lately, but probably not enough. If anything, I¼ve been too overt. Your advice to trust actions rather
than words is also good advice, and it¼s helped me see the light a little bit more. The problem is that some of the
actions indicate different things, too. The two of us going swing dancing, writing letters back and forth, etc. proves
to be a bit problematic when analyzing that angle. Of course, overall, actions indicate that she probably isn¼t too
keen on having a relationship. Sometimes, I feel like I can convince girls to like me by being a better person, but
that¼s simply not true. It boils down to two people being passionate about each other, which in this case, probably
isn¼t happening right now. Thanks for your comments, and since you¼re on campus, I¼m really curious as to
who you are. Feel free to e-mail me at <a href=”mailto:[email protected]”>[email protected]</a
>. -K
kevincarter (2003-10-12 12:17:51)
Point taken that you think my ego is getting in the way in this situation. Doing this journal thing is probably
one of the most narcissistic and self-gratifying things that I do. Do I love other people reading about my life and
commenting on it? Absolutely. Is that a little bit pigheaded? Yep. Does it also help me reflect on my past and be
better in the future? I think it does. If you don¼t like it, change the channel. Plans getting cancelled is definitely
part of life. If this was the first time that something like this had happened, I think it would be an entirely different
issue. However, the fact that Hilary has a tendency to avoid me when she¼s uncomfortable about things in our
friendship tells me that this might be shades of what has happened before. I do certainly love Hilary. Certainly not
with the love that married couples have for each other, or that parents have for their children, but it¼s an early
stage of love that could potentially blossom into a later stage. People can be both upset and angry with people
they love. Their love doesn¼t make this impossible. Also, this post was written in the heat of the moment to vent,
and I don¼t feel exactly like this anymore. I¼m upset with what happened, yes, but after taking some time to
reflect on it, ”I¼m not angry anymore.” (This Elvis Costello song is referenced without the bitter, ironic sneering
that generally accompanies the piece.) She might have had a lot of homework to do, which I completely understand,
but she knew this before we made plans for me to come up there yesterday. She also knew that she was going to be
up late Friday night and probably wouldn¼t get anything done if we were there the next day, so that¼s really no
excuse. Of course she should study. And of course she doesn¼t have to cram it all into one day. If I would have
expected to spend the entire night up there, it would have been one thing. If she would have said in the first place
that she had tons of homework this weekend, it would have been another. But the fact that this was a last minute
excuse was... well... inexcusable. The ”take the hint” option is definitely the thing I agree with most that you said.
Although the truth here seems to be obfuscated here by a bunch of phoniness. I¼m not sure how you would know
that this is indicative of the way the relationship is going, particularly since this is supposed to be – in your words –
her having too much homework for me to come up, but don¼t you think the fact that I picked up on this ”hint” and
am upset about it is acceptable? Of course I don¼t want to hear her say ”I don¼t care for you,” but I also don¼t
want to be strung along for months feeling incapable of having other relationships, either. I¼m willing to wait if
after the waiting, something really special happens between us, but I¼m not willing to wait if she has no intention of
having anything more than a friendship with me. In this case, I¼d like to stay friends with her if possible, because
I really enjoy her company, but I¼m upset right now. Thanks for adding your two cents, and feel free to e-mail me
at <a href=”mailto:[email protected]”>[email protected]</A > to let me know who you are. -K
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(2003-10-12 13:16:34) From the friend
Kevin, It is one thing to vent in a journal that you have in a secret place and you are the only one who knows where
it is and reads it. It is another thing when this online journal is aviable to every one who wants to read it. I know
that writing things in the ”heat of the moment” makes you feel better, but think about the other person. Hilary is
now one the internet for people to judge, and they don¼t even know her. After reading some of the other comments
that people have left, they are saying things that are not true about Hilary. You are making her out to be the bad
person, without many of them knowing what has happened in the past. For people to call her a bitch is uncalled
for. I know that most of these people are your friends, but that is not cool to say about another person. And on
another note, I also go to CSU as you could tell from my IP posting and the things that you are saying about CSU
are uncalled for. I know that CU and CSU have been rivles for a long time, but don¼t use these things to add fuel
to the fire. I am sorry that you have these feelings about CSU, but remember that the person that you ”love” goes
here and I am sure that she is really hurt that you and others say that the school she goes to is second rate. It is a
personl desicion where some one wants to go to school and you should not judge people on that personal desssion.
I know that these things hurt, but you are not the only person who has been hurt in this situation, but she should
have a chance to state her side of the story and stand up for herself.
kevincarter (2003-10-12 13:29:33) Re: From the friend
In retrospect, you¼re definitely right. This post should have been written out in my private journal rather than
posted online. It¼s here right now, though, and after the discussion based on it, I¼d rather not take it down.
People have left me both insightful commentary, I think, as well as opinions which I don¼t agree with. However,
that doesn¼t mean that the marketplace of ideas shouldn¼t flourish. In my own defense, I have disagreed with
people who have said bad things about Hilary, defending her to people who have called her a ”bitch” and other
names that simply aren¼t true. Another thing is that just because these people are judging her online doesn¼t
mean that we don¼t judge people everyday in our personal lives. If this was just gossip, I¼d feel bad about it, but
I¼m searching for answers from people I care about. At least, I¼m searching for some help in finding the answers.
You¼re right that Hilary should have a chance to defend herself, but we don¼t always get those chances. I know
that I haven¼t had the opportunity to defend myself when people have said things about me. Simply because this
journal is online doesn¼t necessarily entitle anyone to that. Regarding the CSU thing, it¼s a complete joke. I
have quite possibly the least school spirit of anyone I know. For a while, I heavily considered going up to CSU for
the far superior journalism program, but I had second thoughts and decided on CU, because I felt the rest of the
liberal arts programs here were superior. Your school¼s veterinary care program is one of the best in the nation,
for instance, and your teaching program is also better than ours. CSU is by no means an inferior school, and the
rivalry between them means nothing to me. My dad and aunt both went to CSU, and I know a lot of people up
there. I don¼t think there¼s any relevance as to the CU-CSU thing in this discussion. I¼m sure I haven¼t been
the only one hurt in this situation, but overall, I want the hurt to stop. -K
yesthatems (2003-10-11 22:02:31) ...it is a tale/Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury/Signifying......nothing.
Oh, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Obviously you¼ve had incredible amounts of comments from the Peanut Gallery, but
everyone needs advice from a certified jaded reclusive lunatic, so here goes: infatuation sucks when the other person
doesn¼t feel the same way. It really, really really sucks, hard and often. BUT. It will end. AND. Frankly, from what
I¼ve seen of your relationship with Hilary (admittedly not much), it reads like the script of a really awful but funny
ABC Family movie of the week starring Holly Marie Combs and one of the lesser Baldwin brothers. SO. Find your
laugh track. Eventually you will find someone with cuter idiosyncrasies and find a new Legendary UnRequited Love
Interest (LURLI) Get kicks and giggles out of your losses and get the hell out of there. Hugs and shrugs, Ems
kevincarter (2003-10-12 12:39:28) Re: ...it is a tale/Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury/Signifying......nothing.
Regarding your title: hopefully I¼m a little bit more coherent than Benjy or an insane Hamlet, although I doubt
it. Where can I get certification on being a reclusive lunatic? (I¼m not jaded yet. No matter how many Araby
bazaars I attend, I still long for the Eastern mystic qualities and the ability to buy exotic presents.) I think we both
148
know our share about infatuation, but judging by your interest in certain Buzbys and Miks or whatever those people
with weird names are at your school, we haven¼t learned too much from it. Unless you¼re a lot more jaded than I
think you are. I can¼t believe you¼re knocking Holly Marie Combs and the Baldwins. You really are jaded if you
don¼t adore the work of those fine actors. Seriously, every piece of work they¼ve done is truly scrumptrulescent.
Are you proposing that I treat this as the theater of the absurd? If so, I think that¼s a pretty marvellous suggestion.
Treating the horrible as funny is something I haven¼t been doing enough of, and finding a new LURLI is also a
great idea, but I think I need to wait a while. Thanks. And I¼m this close *pinches fingers* to finishing your e-mail.
Hopefully its belatedness won¼t impact the score, although I doubt that. -K
(2003-10-12 14:44:23) To The Dumb Ass
This is to the ignoramous who thinks they are in love. I was walking down the hall of my second rate dorm at this
second rate university, when I saw one of my good friends crying over some asshole who thinks they are being funny.
At first, I thought,t why do you even give him the time of day to cry over him. But then I saw what your stupid,
insecure, bitch ass posted online for the world to see. Now this may sound strange comeing from somone who goes
to CSU, you know the second rate school, but are you people at CU complete computer nerds with nothing better
to do with your lives but comment on other people¼s business which you obviously know nothing about. For any of
you to have ever called Hilary a friend makes me cringe to think what you are doing with your first-rate education.
But I¼m pretty sure you will still be typing away on your pitiful onine journal. For you to say you love her this is
the most kindergarten way of going about things. Are you mentally retarded, because if you are, I spologize for ever
thinking you could comprehend real life. But no, wait, you¼re not retarded, you¼re just a fuck ass with nothing
better to do with your time than want other idiots to feel sorry for you. At first I thought, wow, I can respect this
guy for telling her how he feels and then letting her make the decision, but now I don¼t know what the fuck to think.
Oh, but wait - you go to CU, that explains a lot. I applaud Hilary for not dating you, it shows me she does have
enought sense to know an insane person when she sees one. Don¼t put shit about people online - how old are you?
Keep your personal life personal. And I have enough sense to know that you¼re going to tell some of your friends.
We are all entitled to seek advice from people who are close to us - but keep it off line. You don¼t even have the
decency to not allow people to say shit about her, which I¼m sure you know is not true, unless you are a complete
idiot who falls in love with strange people. So what does that say about you? Not a whole lot, I know. Not don¼t
take this the wrong way, we are all entitle to our own opinions, but have enough respect for the coolest person you
will ever have the privelage to call a friend, and keep it to yourself. Maybe if you stop acting like a bitch now, you
can hold on to her friendship, which if you honestly loved her, would be enough to make you happy. Just to have her
around should fill you with pride. Stop being a prick, swallow your pride, admit you were copletely in the wrong, and
pray she isn¼t too pissed at you to keep this friendship alive.
1.6.6
(2003-10-12 16:05)
I hurt people in this journal in trying to understand how not to hurt people. These were people I cared
about and still care about. I’m sorry for any harm I caused them. That doesn’t change the fact that I hurt
them, and nothing will. I can only hope that I can build back trust somehow, if these people will let me.
This journal has been deleted.
groupie supreme (2003-10-12 15:13:40)
That¼s too bad. You said a lot of good things here, and it¼s too bad that your intentions were lost in connotation.
Are you going to keep writing in your newly empty journal, or just leave it at this?
kevincarter (2003-10-12 15:17:02)
The things I said here, I archived on my hard drive so I could look back and see both the good things I said here
and the enormity of my mistakes. I will no longer keep an online journal, but I will continue to comment and read
149
in other people¼s. I will keep writing, because I can¼t not write. But this journal will remain like this.
groupie supreme (2003-10-12 15:19:04)
Good, I¼m glad you saved your thoughts, things like that shouldn¼t be lost. I feel a bit guilty for not commenting
in your journal when I should have now. My friends page will miss you, indeed.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-12 15:29:40)
No more journal from Kevin Carter? How depressing. For the record, I always enjoyed reading your journal, although
some of your posts are so deep and intellectual that, by the end of reading them, I feel really stupid. I hope you will
still read my journal and offer your infinite wisdom via comments. :) Today there shall be no Patented Happy Dance
as today is the death of Kevin¼s Journal...
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:45:06)
I¼ll definitely continue to read and comment on your posts.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-12 20:19:01)
Good, since this seems to be the only means of communication that you and I have. :) ”Be happy–if you¼re not
even happy what¼s so good about surviving?”–Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
laurenoid (2003-10-12 15:51:12)
holy pancakes, batman. do you need to talk? aim¼s always on, and so¼s the phone.
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:45:32)
Thanks for the talk, Lauren. It really helped.
cafe aulait (2003-10-12 15:54:30)
Please don¼t.
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:46:40)
It¼s the only thing I can do. I¼ve hurt people by invading their privacy, and I don¼t want to do it anymore.
cafe aulait (2003-10-12 19:11:03)
Please.. you haven¼t invaded mine. :(
ex turbulenc506 (2003-10-12 15:55:20)
I¼m really sorry to hear that. I¼ve always enjoyed reading your entries. Hopefully this doesn¼t mean that we¼ll
lose contact, because I have a lot in common with you and I¼ve always wanted to get to know you better.
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:47:10)
We absolutely won¼t lose contact. Promise.
mycalliope (2003-10-12 16:01:10)
i¼m gonna miss reading your journal, too, but i guess i can be satisfied with hearing from you in RL :-) i hope
everything¼s ok.
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:47:52)
Everything¼s fine as it can be, and obviously, this won¼t end our contact.
150
wynand (2003-10-12 16:12:17)
If you¼re just avoiding people so as not to hurt them, how will you understand how to express yourself openly and
honestly and not hurt them? Do not do this!
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:48:41)
The reason I hurt people isn¼t because I expressed myself openly and honestly; it¼s because I did it while invading
their privacy.
plastichope (2003-10-12 16:13:25)
damn. what a bummer. one of the few journals i actually made a point to read. it¼s so hard to find smart people
on livejournal these days. oh, well. it¼s your choice. you just have to do what you think is best. :)
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:49:35)
This is definitely what I think is best.
arundel (2003-10-12 17:23:05)
Yeah, please don¼t delete it. That¼d make me a sad panda. :(
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:50:20)
Don¼t worry. I¼ll still be around, but I won¼t be posting anymore.
obsidion knight (2003-10-12 18:05:35)
tears up, places a black rose on computer, walks away*
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:51:05)
No need for an elegy... the computer will still be here, and so will I.
(2003-10-12 18:13:40)
I dont remember reading anything that would be hurtful to anyone, so I¼m extremely un-convinced that this is
warrented. Obviously, to warrent his actions would be to let us in on things Kevin doesnt want us to know, and
hopefully this is more than a cry for attention.
kevincarter (2003-10-12 18:52:05)
This is definitely more than a cry for attention. I¼ve done enough attention whoring as it is. Trust me, though... I
did things that were very hurtful to people, which is the reason this was deleted.
bileograph (2003-10-12 19:26:16)
WHAT? That¼s gay. Rock on, you free bird, you.
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:47:08)
Thanks, Billy. I plan on continuing to write. A lot. Just not in this format. I¼ll still be hanging around here,
though.
lostheaven (2003-10-12 19:37:31)
Kevin. Don¼t. It only hurt a little the first time you invaded me. But after a few times I got used to it. .... .... Oh
god. *hangs head* Why do I always have to go there? Well, I¼m sorr you have to stop writing. It was good readin¼
your shit.
151
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:47:52)
You really do always go there, Jared, but that¼s why we love you. Thanks for the comment.
yesthatems (2003-10-12 20:19:26) So this is a letdown
Let us just say that you will be missed, Mister C. Dearly and daily. Extra-sisterly hugs and shrugs, Ems
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:48:53) Re: So this is a letdown
Thanks, Ems.
designingdreams (2003-10-12 21:20:42) another disappointed reader...
I¼m sad to see this journal go. You¼re so intelligent and insightful- it was really a breath of fresh air to read your
journal. I¼ve been through the same situation as you, exactly. I changed lj names and made everything friends-only.
I hope you¼ll consider the same, you¼d be missed. Writing in general is, of course, good for venting, but there¼s
something about people reading and responding that is very cleansing. Best of luck in everything. Maybe
I¼ll meet you sometime.
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:50:23) Re: another disappointed reader...
The reading and responding element of Livejournal has always been what appeals to me. I don¼t plan at all on
letting that slip, whether it¼s joining a writer¼s group, doing open mic readings, or submitting to the literary magazine. The friends-only idea seems to eliminate what the purpose of Livejournal was for me, which was expression.
However, I can see how that might be an option for some people.
bethyjoy (2003-10-12 22:12:03)
Well that sucks. Can¼t you at least still post some fiction sometimes? That¼s not invading privacy.... Otherwise
I¼m going to cry. Gah. You¼re one of the few people who can actually write.
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:51:18)
That¼s an interesting thought, Beth, but there are times when my fiction tends to border on being a roman a clef.
The line between the two might blur too much for this to be an option.
airik (2003-10-12 22:52:55) .....
it doesn¼t make any sense that you are stopping because you hurt ”people.” And geussing by your last post which
seemed to carry your thoughts at the moment about one person in particular, which you mentioned one person in
particular, seemed perfectly normal for someone¼s journal....making assumptions and stating what you thoughts were
and how you were feeling. I¼m geussing you really like doing journaling, and why should you let another person
change you? If you want to modify what you type, just omit those portions about those ”people” that you offend, or
put it in an entry for your eyes only. I will be almost as sad as Jeremy if you stop journaling. infact it would offend
me if you stop ;)
pipster uwyo (2003-10-12 22:55:39) Re: .....
I agree. What do you say we start a petition?
airik (2003-10-12 22:58:32) Petition name #1
Erik Pfeif
pipster uwyo (2003-10-12 22:59:57) Re: Petition name #1
Emily Hall
152
ecredes (2003-10-15 20:32:45) Re: .....
haha...oh god...my stomach hurts...deep breaths...whew...
pipster uwyo (2003-10-16 08:48:46) Re: .....
You okay there?
kevincarter (2003-10-18 10:57:18) Re: .....
Chances are that petitions aren¼t going to push me over the edge, but thanks anyway. (It¼s far more likely that
a Livejournal addiction will do it, as well as a tendency for attention whoring, if anything does.)
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:53:51) Re: .....
It seemed normal for someone¼s journal, but let¼s consider the fact that these journals are somewhat abnormal
in nature. In all actuality, the problem was the privacy invasion, I think, rather than the things that were said.
Omitting the portions about people that I offend would be untrue to what I¼m writing about. This same sort
of thing happened in my last journal, where I wasn¼t able to talk about people because they were on my friends
list. I became so self-conscious that sometimes I would posture by changing the current music selection from what I
was actually listening to into something hipper. I don¼t want to fall into this cycle again. While I appreciate the
petition, it¼s pretty much a no go.
airik (2003-10-13 13:39:17) Re: .....
cries*
xcape reality03 (2003-10-12 22:55:33) Notice the outraged look upon my face
because it¼s there. It¼s sad to see this journal go. You were always so fun to read, I never really get to talk to you
and this gave me a little piece of your life. :( Well, you do what you gotta do. Maybe one day you will come
back to us here in live journal world? *lowers head* Well, I guess I can always hope... Miss you already!
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:54:26) Re: Notice the outraged look upon my face
Thanks, Mollye. I¼ll try to be on AIM more after I get my laptop up and running, which should help problems.
(2003-10-13 08:19:41) BMW
Call me at my dorm when you get this... I would call you, but I don¼t want to wake you up.
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:55:04) Re: BMW
Just got the message. I¼ll call you in about an hour and a half, after I¼m off work.
(2003-10-13 12:49:36) Re: BMW
I updated my blog... and it relates to this
obsidion knight (2003-10-13 15:23:34) Re: BMW
face.
whitcomb (2003-10-13 08:42:46)
Are you sleeping, are you sleeping Brother John, Brother John? Morning bells are ringing, morning bells are ringing
Ding dang dong, ding dang dong. Good luck.
kevincarter (2003-10-13 10:55:33)
Thanks. Don¼t think this means I¼m going to stop reading your extremely well-written entries.
153
whitcomb (2003-10-13 12:30:23)
This apparently does mean that I¼m going to have to stop reading your extremely well-written ones, though. Yo
estoy triste.
ajestyr (2003-10-14 11:32:24) Im Sorry
One thing i have learned in this life is that you cant please everyone, If a few people got there feelings hurt, thats
hardly the reason to give up something you love. If I stopped teaching lessons because of a couple negitive comments
i would have stopped 3 years ago, I know that i do know the whole story but look at all the replys you have gotten,
40 or so saying they want you on. You should apologize to the people you have hurt and not change your self. If you
change for these people who do change for next. People are not always gonna like what you like. I had a lot of bad
entries that people didnt like, i didnt stop writing because of it. Things that annoy me #34. People who change who
they are to get others to like them.
kevincarter (2003-10-18 10:59:12) Re: Im Sorry
You made some good points. Of course, you can¼t please everyone, but I think that after you hurt someone doing
something, you have a responsibility to fix it. I¼m not trying to change who I am to get other people to like me;
I¼m changing what I¼m doing to avoid hurting people again.
flicker (2003-10-14 17:32:16)
So there¼s no way to maintain a journal without harming people further?It¼s a shame–but good luck in future
writing
kevincarter (2003-10-18 10:59:59)
I¼ve been considering this option a bit, as I was fairly sure I would, but I¼m not sure there¼s a way to journal
honestly and not hurt people in some way. Thanks for the good luck wishes.
ecredes (2003-10-15 20:43:18) ...
this is funny...the petition really got me teared up... now...i wonder who¼s privacy you invaded...someone that you
obviously care a lot about otherwise you would continue doing it...hmm....what could this persons name possibly be?
did it ever occur to you that this person you invaded the privacy of would eventually find your LJ? oh wait...it takes
a genius to figure that one out...forget i asked... i suggest you stop being such a pussy and take brandons advice.
oh...and continue invading peoples privacy in your journal...it¼ll be funnier than cancling it all together... we are
going for laughs here.. right? :-*
kevincarter (2003-10-18 11:01:36) Re: ...
Actually, I cried rivers after the petition. Literally, everybody in Willard thought that someone pulled the fire alarm,
because it was like the indoor sprinklers came on or something. Living life by laughing is the way to go.
1.6.7
Friends-only. (2003-10-22 11:54)
”To A Passing Stranger”
For the first time in a while,
I force a guarded, awkward smile.
You just avert your steel grey eyes,
and streets of silent passerbys
can only see your pursed blue lips.
Sentimental dolor grips
154
my swollen heart. A line or two
will ease this hazy, dismal blue:
the kind of blue note Miles would play
for pretty little Melonae.
But scribbling in this freezing street,
I know if our sad eyes could meet,
for just one moment, warmth would flow
and melt this vicious, chilling snow.
[1]Let our eyes meet.
1. http://www.livejournal.com/friends/add.bml?user=kevincarter
laurenoid (2003-10-22 12:09:13)
yo.
kevincarter (2003-10-22 12:12:15)
Hopefully this doesn¼t invalidate anything that you might have written. If so, STOP THE PRESSES! (I¼ve always
wanted to say that.)
belle27 (2003-10-23 12:20:55)
I like reading your journal....friend me please :)
kevincarter (2003-10-23 15:55:06)
Aw, shucks. Added.
lostheaven (2003-10-23 22:12:35)
YOU HAVE ME ADDED RIGHT!?
kevincarter (2003-10-24 17:14:41)
Don¼t panic, Jared. You¼re good. :-*
ecredes (2003-10-25 01:34:38) ...
is this still the latest post of yours? or am i just not on the friends list yet...
kevincarter (2003-10-25 10:07:43) Re: ...
You¼re on the friends list, but you¼re probably not logged in under your username while reading your friends page.
Just set up the option where you¼re continually logged into livejournal, and you can see my most recent posts.
wardenusa (2003-11-01 10:47:59)
Hook up a brother up ;) Andrew Stadler
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:23:17)
Done, quite obviously.
jamie787 (2003-11-08 11:03:46)
hey can you add me? you seem really interestign and id like to see what you have to say
kevincarter (2003-11-09 12:42:19)
Added.
155
(2003-11-10 21:46:25) Add me to friends
Hey I came across this journal one day online, and I thought it was very interesting. But alas, it no longer is here! Is
there anyway you can hook me up with a free account or something because I really am interested in your musings.
Matt
kevincarter (2003-11-18 05:45:18) Re: Add me to friends
Yeah. Drop me an e-mail, and I¼ll see what I can do.
secret tears (2003-11-17 17:11:24)
hey kevin :) i was just searching for some LJ users that are interested in a lot of the same things i am and came across
yours quite a few times. may i be added as a friend?
kevincarter (2003-11-18 05:44:51)
Gotcha. :)
pandorasparkle (2003-11-19 22:47:20) yay
::Waves hand:: hey! we have a million (ok, not a million) interests in common, add me.
kevincarter (2003-11-19 23:17:34) Re: yay
Already done.
1termpresident (2003-11-20 15:40:52) Me and Technology...
I don¼t know if it¼s the fact that you haven¼t added me to your friends, or it¼s my wonderful expertise with computers, (most likely the latter), but I still can¼t see the journal. The account worked fine, but, alas, no journal...help
me! Matt
kevincarter (2003-11-20 15:53:50) Re: Me and Technology...
It was the former. You¼re added, now. :)
burningtyger (2003-12-22 18:23:44) hi
I¼m a friend of Brett¼s and I was reading your profile and you are seriously one of the only other people who likes
neutral milk hotel (beyond other real cool things), so you should add me to your friend list, if you want to.
richardparker (2003-12-26 13:51:51) hi
You are part of nonpaste, and you like many things I am interested. I would like to be added as one of your friends,
so I can learn more about you and hopefully we will be able to talk about literature, art, music...anything. I shall add
you, and hopefully the favor will be reciprocated. Sorry for jabbering, have a nice day.
saturnsolarray8 (2004-01-12 17:14:39) just a wistful slice of commentary
I¼m relatively new to this whole live journal thing. A friend introduced me to Dead Journal, but that just
wasn¼t...ummm...I guess as uplifting and optimistic as this journal data base is. I might find dark, mysterious
things fasinating but I really ought to expose myself to more sane and normal conditions and surrounding b/c that
should help balance out my psyco life. Anyways, I was randomly picking ”users” from a list under ”poetry” search and
you were lucky enough to be one of them. So, I wanted to say that its awesome that you¼re into poetry and various
other items that are catergorized as ”arts” b/c so much of the world¼s unique styles and personalities have desperately
fleeted into an eternal nothingness. I encourage you to continue your interests and acknowledge you even more so that
you are a guy, and I know very few who are truly into poetry, art, and (real) music–not just that pop/poser junk.
156
bless cyborgs (2004-01-26 16:43:24)
Hi, I did a search for people who also had music snobbery listed as an interest in their user info. Then I saw such
things as wilco and miles davis and other things I enjoy as well. If you care to add me, you should. Caitlin
corduroy (2004-02-16 09:50:34)
you seem really bright and interesting. i¼d like to read your writing, if you¼d like to add me. <3
tighter bitties (2004-02-18 19:59:53)
let me read more.....
mokeyonwheels (2004-02-23 10:51:28)
Tell me if this is creepy. you¼re on a buddy list... of a FRIEND of mine. goldenburning. Anyway, I like this. Did
you write it? It¼s fantastic. If I added you, would you call me a creepy stalker? I sure hope not. I seemed to have
said too much in this comment. Forgive me. -Meghexquisitepulse (2004-02-28 03:01:33)
i will make liquid of ice. friended. -lindsey
sooner rose (2004-02-28 18:50:31) Greetings
You sound very clever. I am interested in reading more. It is not everyday that you find someone with such an
intelligent artistic view. Will you add me to you friend list so I may read on?
starpaw (2004-03-09 06:06:41)
Okay, so this off subject and spam posts are tottally annoying, but I¼m starting a lester bangs discussion community, to talk about him and post rock writing and wondered if you¼d be interested?
<a
href=”http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=coughsyrup rock”>Cough Syrup Rock</a> if not just ignore
me, i¼ll go away ;)
ladylovelorn (2004-03-14 20:43:07)
its nice to find a journal with poetry on it...i¼ve sifted through endless mindless drivel for the last 7 hours
(2004-03-20 22:10:36)
<img src=”http://img19.photobucket.com/albums/v57/joanisradical/thisgirls stupid/4f81a694.bmp”>
ringmorequietly (2004-03-27 17:30:56)
How do you like it at the biggest party school in the states?
richesseducoeur (2004-04-02 18:58:55)
kevincarter...i know you want to add another friend to your already extensive list....i was reading and came across
that poem. awesome.
(2004-04-06 01:37:15)
I wonder if you¼ll ever know or care who this is, but I just wanted to let you know that I was up in Boulder the other
day and I thought of you. Random, but oh well.
jazzgirlie (2004-04-07 16:00:52)
Hi, I¼m from the amelie community. Please can you send me your address for the journal project? My email is
[email protected] (that¼s a zero in l0ve) Thanks! ps can you include your lj user name in the email Zoe
157
bandnamdcharlie (2004-04-11 17:50:27)
hiya.. hmm would u please add me.. i found ur name on one of my friends journals.. and well u seem to be into
poetry and writing and such.. as am i so please if you would.. add me
distilledcoffee (2004-04-28 20:31:52) vanilla papiros...
hello I¼m kary... if you want add me to your friends list so I can see more of your writings, you seem to be interesting!
:)
hopper565 (2004-05-24 00:28:51) hi
Hi, id like to see your journal, add me please ?
94 days (2004-06-10 22:50:03)
hi. i saw your name on my friend¼s (crayon rosary) friend¼s list and saw that you liked alot of the same things as
me (especially Ferlinghetti and Sigur Ros!) so...i added you to my friends list. add me?
slinkystrings (2004-06-12 21:14:38)
Hey random person Show me yours and I¼ll show you mine That sounded super slutty forgive me Add me Do it...
Pretty please
tehrellianmel (2004-06-17 01:51:40)
Well isn¼t someone just Mr. Popular? I¼ve never seen so many requests to be added to a Friends list on one
journal before! I must also add that you have good music taste. Okay, I¼m done. Just wanted to leave my dues.
eridanus1531 (2004-07-02 23:16:20) awesome
hey I came across your poem and thought it was awesome. it makes you seem like an intriguing person to get to know
better....we should talk sometime! Send me a message sometime if you wanna.
ready set fail (2004-07-12 04:34:40)
<a
href=”http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=
src=”http://img14.photobucket.com/albums/v42/lucifersxxxangel/banner .jpg”></a>
thehotsquad”><img
uncleirv (2004-07-17 02:50:03)
nice poem kevin nice rhyme nice rhythm nice images
pukegreenpoetry (2004-08-04 15:51:32) yo yo hello
Hey kevin, it¼s lauren from the old blog days. i wondered if i could keep checking out your journal–could you add
me as well?
1.6.8
Back. (2003-10-22 11:57)
After a lot of thought, I’ve decided to restart this journal. Sorry about all the drama. I was faced with a
difficult decision, since someone asked me to take the journal down, and I didn’t know what to do. Thus came
the privatizing of all the entries. I know this contradicts things that I’ve said in the past. ”Do I contradict
myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large, I contain multitudes.”
Having this journal, and having people that care enough to read what I’m thinking on a daily basis is
worth a lot to me, and I haven’t realized that until now. I need to write, and I need to feel that my writing
has an audience. This journal provides me with that outlet.
158
I know this is a juvenile thing to do, but I want to keep writing in here, so I’m going to. This might
have seemed like a ploy for attention, and it might have been. If so, I’m sorry for that. What I gradually
realized is that I didn’t say anything that offensive about Hilary. It was the violation of privacy that caused
the problems. In the future, things like e-mails won’t be quoted, but my ideas about individuals will still be
reflected. Having this journal friends-only will allow me to do that, I think.
Throughout the day, I’ll be changing the past entries back to friends-only from private. Thank you all
for reading, and it feels really good to be back. (I promise: no more drama like this again.)
whitcomb (2003-10-22 11:13:01)
It¼s ok. A lot of people do this. (About half of my friends list has.) I did it for a week or so and then said, ”Fuck it,
I¼ll just go mostly friends-only”. Glad to see you back, Mr. Carter.
kevincarter (2003-10-22 21:55:52)
Thanks for the comfort. I know it¼s pretty common to do this sort of thing online, which is why it bothered me that
I did it. ”I¼m leaving this forum, blah blah blah.” At least I wasn¼t storming out, saying that I hated everyone or
anything. It¼s great to be back. (Why did I think of the theme song to ”Welcome Back, Kotter” when I read ”Glad
to see you back, Mr. Carter”? I love that song.) Regardless of my hypocrisy, I¼m liking it.
yesthatems (2003-10-22 11:58:25) Thank you.
You made the right decision. Hugs and shrugs, Ems
kevincarter (2003-10-22 21:56:14) Re: Thank you.
Thanks. I hope so.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-22 12:23:13) *celebrates*
Yay Kevin¼s back! I knew you wouldn¼t be able to stay away for long. It¼s good to have you back. :)
kevincarter (2003-10-22 21:56:47) Re: *celebrates*
I was thinking the same thing myself. Now, you won¼t have to try to elicit comments from me anymore by posting
provocative things! :)
bethyjoy (2003-10-22 13:26:07)
YAY! Insert happiness at getting to read Kevincarter¼s musings here [ ].
kevincarter (2003-10-22 21:57:20)
Having to post inside the brackets wouldn¼t leave me that much room. Unless I wrote very, very small.
goldenburning (2003-10-22 14:00:07)
I know I rarely comment, but I maintain any and all reading skills I may have from reading your journal. It actually
SAYS something. Which is rare on blogs.
kevincarter (2003-10-22 21:57:47)
Thanks... I feel precisely the same way about yours. Post more!
xcape reality03 (2003-10-22 17:29:27) *does happy dance*
YAY! Don¼t worry, at least you don¼t have to put your journal on ¼friends only¼ because your family members
use it against you...oh well, could be worse I suppose. Welcome back!
159
kevincarter (2003-10-22 21:59:18) Re: *does happy dance*
I hope that didn¼t happen to you, Mollye. Because that would be horrible. At least you can cut off relations with
isolated people who are offended by what you write. Family members are always there.
xcape reality03 (2003-10-22 22:22:37) Re: *does happy dance*
sadly, this did happen to me,that¼s why I¼ve got to have a friends only journal because a sibling of mine decided
that they would read it and then report it back to my step-mom. My step-mom then approached me and told me
that I wasn¼t to write about the family at all in this because it would look as if I was ”trying to make myself look
better”. *smiles cynically* Yeah, things aren¼t that good around my household as of now. So since I didn¼t want
to stop writing in this, I made it to where my nosy tattling sibling wouldn¼t be able to read anymore of it.
prometheus911 (2003-10-22 19:55:43) You're back
You said her name!!!! Don¼t you know that you will get hate e-mail now?!?!?!?!?! 8-)
kevincarter (2003-10-22 22:00:05) Re: You're back
I can only hope so. (Thankfully, this post is friends-only.)
1.6.9
Catching up. (2003-10-22 22:09)
There’s an awful lot to write about.
Philosophically:
The buildings of New York
Look just like mountains through the snow.
Just being alive, it can really hurt.
And these moments given are a gift from time.
Just let us try to give these moments back to those we love,
To those who will survive.
And I can hear my mother saying
”Every old sock meets an old shoe.”
–Kate Bush, ”Moments of Pleasure”
Lately, I’ve been in this state of perplexity that I can’t seem to escape. All of life’s options are simultaneously unfolding in front of me. Pictures in daily life fade together but still flicker persistently, in
rapid successions, like individual frames of a movie flashing upon the screen. I don’t know at all what I’m
talking about, so I’ll just keep talking in hopes that the unfathomable will change.
Everything’s so intense now. I walk through the cafeteria and watch people’s eyes. The colors are
vibrant and piercing, echoing in my mind for days. It’s not just the people that radiate beauty, either. It’s
everyone. People that I normally wouldn’t have given a second thought to mean so much to me. Their mere
existence. During the past few nights, I kept having visions of the [1]Over-Soul, through which my being
is ”contained and made one with all the other.” I’ve felt such empathy towards other people, but there’s a
disconnection there at the same time. The last few nights, I’ve felt like I’ve delved into the minds of others.
Some of the thoughts that they have, I have. The sensations and longings of their hearts, I feel too. What
is this? Some sort of Jungian collective unconscious? God, I don’t know.
160
When I’ve written, things come across that I would rarely say. For some reason, I’ve been focusing
on concepts like the ”nothing-world,” sort of like Hemingway’s [2]”A Clean, Well-lighted Place.” Our nada
who art in nada. Not just that, but the experience of emotional connections and how they relate to physical
pain. Obessions captivate me, yet I’m disgusted by my own. Things are absurd right now, and I can’t put
my finger on it. Because of this, I need to keep writing. I feel like that’s the only way I can ever come
clearer to a picture of what’s really going on in both my head and the world.
Beautiful images have been floating into my mind, and I forget them just as soon as they flash by.
Her letters to me – the ones that should be torn-up in a trash can – have been placed neatly in the drawer
where I kept them before. I want to write everything down obsessively. Carry around a notebook or a tape
recorder. Sing melodies loudly into my answering machine, in hopes that I can remember them tomorrow.
Everything’s wasted. These thoughts and feelings are gone as soon as they’re here. Pieces of music make me
shiver. ”Moments of Pleasure” by Kate Bush sat on repeat tonight for an hour-and-a-half, and I meditated
on the words and the sounds. Each one of her words is held for the exact amount of time that it needs to
be. What a gorgeous song. Music is magic.
Interpersonally:
Come on, baby, now throw me a right to the chin!
Don’t just stare like you never cared;
I know you did!
But you just smile,
Like a bankteller
Blankly telling me, ”Have a nice life.”
-Ben Folds Five, ”Selfless, Cold, and Composed”
The drama of this whole situation hasn’t passed. Hilary hasn’t answered the e-mail I sent or the
message I left. I don’t want to hear her voice broken, but I do. This journal isn’t an invasion of her privacy
any more than her telling her friends about everything that I’ve done. If she was so concerned about keeping
her privacy, why did she spread the URL around to everyone she knew? In fact, I’ve been told in confidence
that she has given the URL out to numerous people. This whole thing is a big attention-getter for her, and
she can play it off as if it was something really, really strange. It’s a self-esteem booster. Her ego-centrism is
growing to revolting heights, and I can’t handle it anymore. There’s no reason for me to handle it anymore.
Yes, she’s wonderful and has cute little quirks, but she’s stubborn and unyielding and manipulative and
doesn’t know what the hell she wants. They flee from me, that sometime did me seek.
The only way I could keep this going was to make my journal entries friends-only. (Also, if you’re
interested about what I’m talking about because you didn’t see the post before I took it down, feel free to
check it out right [3]here and [4]here.) Why do I wrap myself into these kind of relationships? I think it’s
the Faith mentality. For those of you that don’t know, I attended a private school called [5]Faith Christian
Academy from fourth grade until ninth grade. During this time, I was trampled upon, indoctrinated, and
generally suppressed by a bunch of people who thought they were doing this stuff for my own good. They
attempted to cram the principles of courtship down our throat. This philosophy involved an extremely
antiquated and archaic system in which boys and girls weren’t allowed to date until they were married. At
this point, a period of prolonged friendship in group situations had to exist before they could go on any
dates. All of these principles, I think, gave many people there the philosophy that there was just one person
that God had picked out especially for you, and that it was your responsibility to dwell on that person,
develop a friendship with them, and hide all romantic love that you had for them until the right moment.
It’s not at all a healthy thing, and I see both my brother and sister struggling with it, as well as other people
that I know who went to Faith. Granted, this isn’t a problem that solely exist here, but I think people with
161
a proclivity to those ideas in the first place become particularly enthralled by this idealized concept. That’s
certainly contributed to these feelings.
I’ve gotten very good advice from people who know both Hilary and me. They say, basically, that
I’m not really that in love with her... more the idea of her. I think that’s a very accurate statement to
make. I’ve been able to take her out of what she really is and turn her into something that she’s simply not.
This is an unwise thing to do, and that’s one of the reasons why I’ve been haunted by this whole thing. But
I don’t know... I’m torn. I have feelings of anger and longing, and the whole thing is bittersweet.
Literarily:
I couldn’t tell if it’d bring my heart
The way I wanted,
When I started
Writing this letter to you.
-Wilco, ”I’m the Man Who Loves You.”
The emotions that have me wrapped around their thumb right now are turning into ideas for writing. In fact, I’m considering titling my [6]November novel after a poem by Keats. La Belle Dame Sans
Merci. Yes, I know it’s oh-so-tortured and angsty and far too much like a roman a clef, but it’s what I
feel nonetheless. Write what you know? Well, this first work will be just that, and it’s something I can
remain interested in. Thinking about potential plotlines that aren’t puerile beyond what people can handle,
and I haven’t thought of anything yet. I want it to be in the same vein as The Beautiful and Damned by
Fitzgerald, but I haven’t gotten to the point where I can conceive a decent milieu. Oh well... we’ll see
what happens there. Suffice it to say that I’m extremely excited for NaNoWriMo to roll around. (Yes,
Fitzgerald did have La Belle Dame Sans Merci as a working title for The Beautiful and Damned. Thanks
for bringing up my admiring plagiarism. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery.) I’ve also been thinking
about submitting some pieces to the honors journal, but I’m scared to do that, because I’ve never taken a
creative writing course of any kind. Generally, I’m comfortable in my own ability to write essays, but when
it gets beyond that, I get shy about submitting to publications of higher quality. I dunno.
Right now, I’m reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, to fulfill an old Brett Burton recommendation. I’m loving it, and there are some incredibly profound things being said throughout it, particularly
about the Universal Language of love and the nature of alchemy. It makes me extremely curious about
some of the Gnostic ideals of years past and how they connect to Christianity. Elaine Pagels must be read
soon. Oh, another thing is that lately, I’ve taken up the quest of eventually getting through Encyclopedia
Britannica’s [7]Great Books of the Western World series as a primer of sorts to the Western Canon. Should
be a fascinating journal that could take me years, but I’m ready for it.
This feels really good, and I’m sorry for taking up so much of your friends page.
for later.
I’ll save the rest
1. http://www.rwe.org/works/Essays-1st_Series_09_The_Over-Soul.htm
2. http://www.online-library.org/fictions/cleanplc.html
5. http://www.fca-schools.org/
6. http://www.nanowrimo.org/
7.
http:
//www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0852295316/ref=pd_sim_books_1/002-8312855-4370446?v=glance&s=books
162
I¼m really glad you are back. That was a really good entry. I definitely think you should submit your writing, it¼s
fantastic from what I¼ve seen.
kevincarter (2003-10-22 22:14:00)
Thanks, Britney. Your experience with moving to friends-only is one of the major things that changed my mind
about quitting. I¼m not quite sure which piece to submit, though... Maybe it¼s time for a good, ol-fashioned poll.
plastichope (2003-10-22 21:35:17)
actually, thanks for filling up my friends page. it¼s refreshing to go from somebody bitching about wanting a
boyfriend, to someone who actually understands life more then they think they do. although it just seems like another
entry to you, it feels like a grand novel to me. lol. good to have to back. :)
kevincarter (2003-10-22 22:14:44)
Heheh. Well, in reality, I¼m just bitching about wanting a girlfriend and reading books. So, I¼m not that much
different. But thank you! Good to be back.
mycalliope (2003-10-22 22:07:38)
your journal–and the loads of compliments you get on it–makes me feel really self-conscious about my own journal....
kevincarter (2003-10-22 22:11:09)
You shouldn¼t feel self-conscious about your own journal. First of all, it¼s because it¼s good. Second of all,
self-consciousness won¼t allow you to write as well as you do. Keep in mind who the person was that saved our
paper from being the other person¼s late night meanderings. Then, just try to feel self-conscious. :)
mycalliope (2003-10-23 12:58:08)
yeah, i dunno.... no class this morning? we still didn¼t finish all the presentations...
kevincarter (2003-10-23 13:11:23)
I slept in. Very, very bad idea. Although I did get to watch Requiem for a Dream in the wee hours of
the morning last night, which was a lot of fun, there are a few trade-offs. I knew we wouldn¼t get through the
presentations, too. Must send Dr. Rajgopal an ”I know I was absent and I¼m sorry I slept in” e-mail.
mycalliope (2003-10-23 17:21:11)
god am i jealous. i HATE my eight o¼clock class. we went over johnson, ho chi min, diem, and that vietnemese
general who¼s name is escaping me.... oh, and malcom x, but that group didn¼t have almost any information
about his involvement in vietnam, so they just talked about him in general.
ex turbulenc506 (2003-10-22 22:52:19)
Hey again. Psst–great soundtrack as you were writing this.
kevincarter (2003-10-23 13:18:10)
Hey yourself. I know I enjoyed the soundtrack thoroughly. (How on earth did I end up with such strange musical
taste? Listening to Portishead followed by the Beatles isn¼t exactly logical. Sometimes things like that make me
worry about myself.) I like the fact that the parenthetical portion of this reply was longer than the rest of it.
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ex turbulenc506 (2003-10-24 10:41:50)
(Hey, it¼s not that strange. You could have listened to Mozart followed by MC Hammer or something.)
I think <lj user=”kevincarter”>:parentheses::<lj user=”turbulence”>:italics.
corvidae (2003-10-23 01:30:55)
Hmm, so according to you, because I believe in archaic principles of courtship I¼m unhealthy? Personally, my
romantic beliefs have nothing at all to do with Faith–I barely even realized until I read your post that they were
attempting to teach us anything of the sort. Granted, I¼m not exactly fitted into the ”normal” category when it
comes to relationships, but I wouldn¼t categorize myself as unhealthy either. What exactly is wrong with believing
there¼s one person for you, though? Are you saying everyone should be polyamorous?
obsidion knight (2003-10-23 09:46:06)
Because when you think there is one person for you it all goes horribly wrong and you feel like shit for the next three
weeks.
azurewhisperer (2003-10-23 10:23:24)
”Because when you think there is one person for you it all goes horribly wrong and you feel like shit for the next
three weeks.” Quoted for truth. Kevin, I figure you might get a kick out of this.
kevincarter (2003-10-23 13:30:35)
Andrew came out of the closet to say: Quoted for truth. Kevin, I figure you might get a kick out of
this. Wouldn¼t it be cool if Livejournal actually turned into the forums? Although, it would be a paradox
to have something that most forum members hate so much become integrated into here. I did, without a doubt,
get a kick out of this.
obsidion knight (2003-10-23 17:50:27)
You insult my beautiful response with an expression from SA..... I HATE YOU!!!! *cries*
kevincarter (2003-10-23 13:28:53)
You¼re so right that it¼s scary.
kevincarter (2003-10-23 13:27:41)
Hmm, so according to you, because I believe in archaic principles of courtship I¼m unhealthy? Absolutely
not. But I feel like a lot of those principles of courtship have had an unhealthy effect on me. It¼s very difficult to
exist on those idealistic notions in the modern world, and that¼s one of the things that I¼ve had to figure out.
Incidentally, I don¼t think courtship was a horrible model, but I think it did some damage even in the nineteenth
century. Overall, it was a fairly repressive system that caused a lot of pain for both men and women. Not that I
think the current way of doing things is much better. I guess I¼m searching for an alternative to both courtship
and ”dating.” Personally, my romantic beliefs have nothing at all to do with Faith–I barely even realized until I
read your post that they were attempting to teach us anything of the sort. I think the ideals of courtship were
pounded more firmly into the heads of seventh and eighth grade boys during Mr. Smith¼s Bible class. Courtship
principles weren¼t discussed during every chapel or anything, but there was sort of a tacit approval of such a philosophy in general. Don¼t you remember Purity Under Pressure, or the constant recommendation to get I
Kissed Dating Goodbye from virtually every teacher at the school? Now, I can definitely understand if your
philosophy has moved away from the one at Faith, because I¼m trying to do the same thing, but I can¼t understand
not remembering some of these key principles of what they were trying to teach us impressionable middle-schoolers.
Granted, I¼m not exactly fitted into the ”normal” category when it comes to relationships, but I wouldn¼t
categorize myself as unhealthy either. Very true. I wouldn¼t consider myself normal either, but a few of the
relationships I¼ve had really have been unhealthy for me. I feel like I should have taken a completely different
164
approach to dating than I have, which would have been taking risks and asking girls to go to a movie rather than
waiting idly and trying to gain their approval. Meeting a lot of different people and understanding what kind of people you blend well with, I think, is pretty key to a successful relationship. What exactly is wrong with believing
there¼s one person for you, though? Are you saying everyone should be polyamorous? Because I think people
can be happy with someone that¼s not ”the one person for them.” Humans have the capacity to love many different
kinds of people for many different reasons. I¼m certainly not saying everyone should be polyamorous. I¼m just
saying that for me, it¼s going to be important for me to get idealized concepts of relationships out of my head for a
while, in favor of concentrating on the reality of them. This really sounded like an angry post, but it wasn¼t! I just
think the points you brought up were really, really interesting, and they made me think quite a bit about things.
corvidae (2003-10-23 15:05:26)
Well. My comment is too long to be posted in one post... so... Part 1: Not that I think the current way of doing
things is much better. Alright, so that we agree on. I don¼t precisely hold to the old ways, but I know I don¼t
like the new ones. Don¼t you remember Purity Under Pressure, or the constant recommendation to get I Kissed
Dating Goodbye from virtually every teacher at the school? Now, I can definitely understand if your philosophy
has moved away from the one at Faith, because I¼m trying to do the same thing, but I can¼t understand not
remembering some of these key principles of what they were trying to teach us impressionable middle-schoolers.
Quite honestly, I had forgotten about it until right now when you¼d mentioned it. Bible was always the class I
paid the least attention to, and in Hasz¼s class it was all about the home ec for me. I liked learning to sew and
cook, and I could care less what else she was trying to teach me. In Wiebecke¼s class I just found the topics we
covered to be interesting. I¼ve never even heard of I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I laugh about the six inch rules,
but they never bothered me while I was there... I wasn¼t interested in romance even on a basic level until nearing
the end of high school. And I¼ve always kind of been of the philosophy that I follow what I¼ve thought over and
believe is right. The only reason I fell into Christian beliefs was that it seemed very logical at the time. A lot of
it coincides with what I already believe. I just found out later that the parts that don¼t coincide are the parts
that make me miserable to try to force myself into. I haven¼t really ”moved away” from my philosophy that was
in place at Faith... almost everything I believed in then I still believe now... just without the pressure of needing to
be ”God¼s child” and follow the Bible for salvation. Very true. I wouldn¼t consider myself normal either, but
a few of the relationships I¼ve had really have been unhealthy for me. I feel like I should have taken a completely
different approach to dating than I have, which would have been taking risks and asking girls to go to a movie rather
than waiting idly and trying to gain their approval. Meeting a lot of different people and understanding what kind
of people you blend well with, I think, is pretty key to a successful relationship. I think it also depends on the
type of person you¼re trying to attract. For you, the girls who would be fine with getting to know a guy for a
while before moving up aren¼t the kind of girl you want to be with. So in that case it does make sense that you
should be trying more actively. Personally, I can¼t find it in me to even commit to dating unless I¼m sure I love
someone. Hence my current no-dating policy. Meeting different people I agree with, though. Knowing what kind of
person you fit with is definitely a key part in a successful relationship.
corvidae (2003-10-23 15:06:15)
Part 2: Because I think people can be happy with someone that¼s not ”the one person for them.” Humans have
the capacity to love many different kinds of people for many different reasons. I¼m certainly not saying everyone
should be polyamorous. I¼m just saying that for me, it¼s going to be important for me to get idealized concepts
of relationships out of my head for a while, in favor of concentrating on the reality of them. I think I¼m still
not quite understanding. I agree with the idea that humans are capable of loving many different kinds of people in
many different kinds of ways or for different reasons. But maybe we have different perceptions of this ”one person.”
To me, it¼s just saying that one person that if I find (and being me, I likely may never find them) I¼ll settle down
with and be with for the rest of my life. I¼m not going to limit my life, though, just because I haven¼t found
them yet, which is, I think, the point you were making unless I misunderstand completely. On the other hand,
I¼m not likely to be exploring in many directions other than friendship, since that is, for me, the most important
165
thing to have. I¼d rather have one really close friend than dozens of experimental lovers. Somehow I got off on a
tangent, which is still somewhat relevant but I don¼t know why this portion is here. But anyway... going back to
half-explain what my original post said by way of explaining why I don¼t view myself as being unhealthy: So by
the eyes of the majority, I¼m following old standards that are long out of date, which is why, for simplicity¼s sake
I tend to say that I follow those behavorial standards. Besides that, I¼m too feminine to be much of a feminist.
I would have put that in the original post but it was written in the wee hours of the morn¼ and I didn¼t really
have much coherent thought left in me. After I¼d written and posted I realized that I¼d missed saying a couple
things I¼d meant to, but I was too lazy to be bothered to fix it. Oh, and your post didn¼t sound angry, by the
way. It was definitely in a debate voice. ;)
groupie supreme (2003-10-23 12:43:20)
The Alchemist! I read it about two years ago and love it dearly. I¼ll have to reread once I forget it a little more.
kevincarter (2003-10-23 13:31:38)
I¼m reading it once for pleasure, and then I¼ll be going through it again (probably today) to further understand
some of the overarching themes and advice of the book. It¼s fantastic.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-23 16:52:26) Uh...
See? I feel dumber already! Wait, is it ”dumber” or ”more dumb”? Whatever the case, it¼s a good kind of stupidity.
Nothing like Kevin Carter¼s infinite literary wisdom to humble the astronomy/physics nerd. One of these days I
shall confound you all with the vastness of my knowledge of the universe. Just you wait. :)
kevincarter (2003-10-26 10:07:32) Re: Uh...
I think I¼m already confounded by the universe, so when I¼m confounded by your knowledge of it, I¼ll probably
combust.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-26 14:30:44) Re: Uh...
Aww, you just made my day. :)
ecredes (2003-10-26 00:53:17) :-*
that whole first section i got the message that you¼ve been high all week. funny thing because from what you¼ve
told me, you have been high all week...then i read the second section...and i decided...”alright...i dont even want to
read the 3rd...” :-*
ecredes (2003-10-26 01:01:04) Re: :-*
speaking of which...you bring weed in my car without my knowledge again...and i¼m not driving you anywhere
anymore..
kevincarter (2003-10-26 10:02:32) Re: :-*
Fair enough. Horrible call on my part.
kevincarter (2003-10-26 10:06:47) Re: :-*
Well, when I said I was high all week, I didn¼t mean it literally. Really, it¼s only during the nights that I¼ve
smoked. It might be the residual effects of the THC, but I doubt it. During the day, everything seemed extremely
clear somehow, and I hope it was my artistic sense rather than my drugged-out sense.
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1.6.10
Jesus Christ. (2003-10-26 11:16)
Okay. Great, great night the other night. Well, in some ways. In some ways, not. A few nights ago, I
went to a [1]GoonMeet with [ LJ User: azurewhisperer ] (Andrew) at the local sub shop, Jimmy John’s. A
GoonMeet, for those of you that don’t know, is a real life meeting of a bunch of people that hang out on the
Somethingawful.com forums. There, we had an amazing experience. First of all, we met a drunken Irishman
who is apparently forced to fight off comparisons to Union General Ulysses S. Grant quite often, has written
two books, and is a firm believer in the concept that Irishmen drink quite often. You really did have to be
there. Then, men with stilts walked into the store shortly after that, prooffering their ”gypsy trance” music
to us. Sweet jesus. I’m not making any of this up. This post isn’t very timely, seeing as how I wrote it a
few nights ago. Anyway, I had an excellent time there. Then, [ LJ User: ecredes ] (Adam) picked Andrew
and me up, and we drove up to Mines to celebrate Jared’s party. While there, they had a bottle of Southern
Comfort that was almost gone. Jared offered me a shot, and I took two. After that, of course, I was a little
tipsy. Adam had fun exploiting this by telling me that I needed to drink more. At this point, I thought what
he was saying was gospel truth, apparently, so I just started pouring SoCo into my Vanilla Coke. It didn’t
taste like Vanilla Coke anymore, which I should have recognized as a bad thing. So, of course, I started
acting like an absolute ass, which included me calling my own phone to leave a message of a composed song
that was going through my head, me acting sentimental, quite attractively throwing up in the bushes, and
finally, singing both Afroman and The Magnetic Fields in a horribly emotional and stumbling way. Sorry
to any of you people that were there, because it was very stupid. It’s one thing to get a little buzz going to
be more social, particularly for us introverted folk, but not more than that. Everything in moderation; the
middle path.
Today, I’m hoping to plan the first stages of La Belle Dame Sans Merci, my proposed novel. I’m kind
of afraid that [2]NaNoWriMo is going to take away quite a bit of my time from journalling, but that may
have to happen for a while, considering I have to write 1,666 words per day, on top of any essays or other
projects that I’ll be doing. Oh well. Perhaps I’ll occasionally post little snippets of what I’m writing on here.
This was not a profound post. (Not that any of mine are.) I’ll try harder next time.
2. http://www.nanowrimo.org/
xcape reality03 (2003-10-26 10:43:20) ??
So, of course, I started acting like an absolute ass Emily and I both agree that you started acting like
an ass by taking two shots. It should have ended there friend!! *sigh* But we still love you. *turns to Pippy*
Emily! Stop twitching!
ecredes (2003-10-26 12:33:49) :-*
what can i say? if you need to drink alcohol to have a good time...you might as well drink a lot. I have to admit...when you fell over when getting more SoCo...that was the highlight of my night...no wait...when you made the
claim...”look..i¼m not that drunk guys...i can walk in a straight light...” and then you nearly fell over after the second
step...that was the highlight of my night.
bileograph (2003-10-26 12:42:40) C'est moi.
Don¼t worry about ”the middle path”. You¼ll know that you¼re too far off it once you start acting like an asshole
WITHOUT being drunk.
167
wardenusa (2003-11-03 20:52:42)
What would Kwalllllllla say?
1.6.11
More fucking drama. (2003-10-27 01:31)
Well, we’ve been infiltrated. Jessica, probably due to some irrational fear that I’m spreading a rumor about
her or just a general taste for drama of all sorts, asked me what I would ”honestly” think about letting he
read my journal now. Goddammit. What was I going to do, say no? That’s, like, self-incrimination. It’s
like pleading the fifth during the McCarthy hearings. Through the words she used, she strongly insinuated
that I was supposed to give her an account. Now, I’m not going to shield my ideas from this journal at any
cost. So, I’m giving her an account, and making Hilary-relevant friendly posts viewable for you all but not
for her. Thank god for LJ friends filters. Unfortunately, this is the price I’m going to have to pay to keep
doing this. Oh well. Please feel free to comment on entries regardless, because only posts relevant to Hilary
will be blocked for her. This is the one exception I’m making to the rule. Goddammit.
Ugh. Just when I thought this whole thing was over. Sorry to overload this thing again, but I thought
you should at least know.
arundel (2003-10-27 00:50:12)
Don¼t be sorry about it. Hell, I know what it¼s like having to make layers upon layers. But it¼s sorta the price
you pay when you have friends and want to maintain privacy in a journal at once.
obsidion knight (2003-10-27 08:45:21)
;laskdjf DONT GIVE HER AN ACCOUNT!!!!!!!!!!!! NOBODY LIKES HER!!!!!!!! except brandon... but he doesnt
count. DONT DO IT KEVIN!!!! if you do... i just might have to back out of our music career.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-27 14:31:27) Oh geez...
How old are we again? Honestly. If I were you, I wouldn¼t give her an account. You don¼t owe her anything and
for her to basically demand that you give her an account is not fair to you. Talk about invasion of privacy...seems a
little ironic to me. You aren¼t allowed to ”invade” other¼s privacy, but she can invade yours. *shakes head* I was
under the impression that high school was over, but I could always be wrong. It¼s like pleading the fifth during
the McCarthy hearings. That is quite possibly the funniest thing I¼ve read all day. :)
ecredes (2003-10-27 21:38:23) :-*
this is funny.
1.6.12
Uh, that was fun. (2003-10-27 01:55)
Something I wrote earlier today, while observing things in Pearl Street. Very rough sketches, and it’s not
cleaned up yet, but I wanted to see what seem people think of the ideas, rather than the presentation style.
It’s a lot of questioning and not very coherent, but here it is anyway. The ideology behind this poem is more
important than the presence of any images, because my images aren’t that well-chosen yet.
Each person in the city has a story to tell. If I can live through these stories, rather than through my
168
own life, I will feel less pain. It’s autumn and people are bundled up in scarfs. Their tattered jackets and
sweaters and jeans blow softly in the wind. A little boy looks quizzically in my direction. First I have the
vanity to think he’s looking at me. Pondering my eyes upon his, maybe the shaggy hair on my face. Actually,
he gazes longingly at my pizza, and he and his mother walk into the restaurant to feed his sudden craving.
Eventually, they take a seat next to me. And this day will never be here again. These people will never
gather here again. They may never be in the same city again. If they were, what a miracle! But no one
would notice. Everything dances around me to the caustic, manic beat of bongos. Am I actually developing
a novelist’s eye? And my youth is gone before I even knew it was youth. When I could look into another
person’s eyes without fear. And now, I am 18. An adult who decided to go to Pearl Street to fix this watch,
for some reason wanting to keep time flowing on without him. A thundering trumpet plays down the street.
It’s wailing and shouting in the lighteness of this morning. ”Mist over graveyard on silent spring morning.”
Each one of these sensations is new, but it recalls another from the past. Why don’t we travel outside the
classroom to experience the real world? Take off your clothes and be touched! Open your eyes! Open your
eyes! Echoes of ”Howl” through my head and a chill in my bones. A man with a balloon animal on tiptoe,
secretly making others happy. How can you not photograph these people? How can you not? How can you
not make everything in your art revolve around their lives? These lives culminate as an amalgam of what
my life will never be! First instinct in life: to cry. We should cry sorrowfully at Lear and sentimentally at
Chaplin and everyone else, because we should have some reaction to them. I should have a sweatshirt on
now, but I prefer to shiver. Her pink scarf matches her pink hair. Many women on the streets today have
seen their once perfect bodies deteriorate. As skin sags, gravity taking its toll. A squirrel climbs up a tree
smelling leaves, and I am jealous, so jealous. So jealous of this animal in tune that I will spite him by getting
in touch with this city. The only thing we can do better! A man with a guitar on his back. Their lives must
be chronicled. I could take one thousand pictures and never do it. Nor would ten thousand suffice. In video,
each frame is not appreciated.
And now, everything is saccharine, just like the soda I’m drinking.
I don’t even know why I asked you to read that, because not even the ideas are important. I stole them all
from Ginsberg, Joyce, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, Keats, and everyone else who ever wrote. My ideas are unoriginal. How can I reach originality in a world where so much has already been done? I’m horribly frustrated.
I’m not as depressed tonight as I seem.
arundel (2003-10-27 01:02:15)
I was in the same boat you were when I realized that nothing you can do is original. But it should be a relief, you
know? It¼s obviously something that you can¼t resolve and you should just write with the most sincerity you can
muster. Just don¼t let it frustrate you. It¼s not crying over spilt milk, it¼s more like yelling and spitting at it and
calling its mother a whore.
kevincarter (2003-11-06 11:58:20)
That¼s true, I think. Remaining sincere has got to be my ultimate objective through everything, despite lacking
originality. But, finally, I feel like I¼m starting to discover the unique gifts that I have as a person. Everyone else has
these same kind of gifts, of course, but mine are different, just like everyone else¼s are different. Thus, frustrations
are past. Thank you!
169
groupie supreme (2003-10-27 04:00:56)
Perhaps your ideas may not all be original, but one thing you can control is how you express them. There are only
a handful of good writers out there, and each one has undoubtably been influenced by another. You are a
good writer. Accept that the only way you¼re going to find your voice is by listening to others¼.
belle27 (2003-10-27 22:43:12)
thats actually the best user icon ever.
groupie supreme (2003-10-28 03:18:08)
Haha, well thank you very much.
kevincarter (2003-11-06 11:59:31)
That¼s the model that most great writers have taken, I suppose. Kerouac didn¼t find his style until he mimicked
Thomas Wolfe for a while. So, you¼re right. Reading and learning is the only way I¼m going to find the voice that
I want to find.
bileograph (2003-10-27 05:03:58) Never kiss a gun street girl again
Originality, so I¼m told, comes from an original perspective. Given the entire population of the earth, no two humans
are the same. They each have a different history, and a different take on the world. It is the expression of that take
that resembles best originality. Another literary belief is that in order to join the canon of great writers, one must
necessarily write about the themes of one¼s predecesessors. Universal and essential elements, repeated until forever.
Homer. Chaucer. Shakespeare. Milton. Etc. etc. This repetition is important, because the themes are important to
all of mankind and stretch in all directions into the past, the present, and the future. .... or you can meditate and
clear your mind.
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:01:32) Re: Never kiss a gun street girl again
Sometimes, it seems that those humans aren¼t the same, because they attempt to be so much alike. I don¼t know.
I¼ve started to see through that a bit lately, and realize that there¼s really no such things as non-conformists in
the first place. Those of us who call ourselves that just conform a bit less than everyone else. Thematic writing is
a great suggestion, as is meditation. I focused on my inhalation and exhalation last night and found it an amazing
experience. Being overcome by oxygen, like you suggested, has proved awfully handy in writing.
wynand (2003-10-27 10:29:39)
Originality doesn¼t mean you have to top these people; it means you have to be able to look honestly at the world and
organize it somehow, facts prior to organization. Try to really see things as they are, then generalize from them. Also
question everything you¼re doing, always, to make sure you¼re not just borrowing a ”framework” from someone. It
makes things very hard, but I think it has better results in the long run, or should have better results. I¼m taking
a lot of this from Plato and Robert Frost, but I don¼t think taking things is a problem *if* they lead you to things
you didn¼t know before. If you look at people and think ”We must capture their stories!” or ”We must recognize
the tragedy of their lives!” or ”We must x!” then you already know what you want to do, right? All the problems are
solved. You can¼t totally get away from this sort of thing, but at least you can question it, try to find the other side
of things, and any generalization or organization you do after that will be better for it. But anyway, why be concerned
with originality, ultimately? Why not be concerned with expressing what you think and then doing what you *see*
as right? If you just strive for *originality* for its own sake, you don¼t have a lot of options and you¼re going to
cut yourself off from a lot of what you find personally relevant in yourself.
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:04:34)
Borrowing that framework is something I¼ve done too often until now, so I think it¼s always good to question
whether you¼re really creating or borrowing for the sake of borrowing. Taking some of the same ideas of others has
170
led me to different methods of thought, though, as you said it could. You¼re right, too, about knowing what I want
to do. It¼s just a matter of doing it, writing it down on paper where it can be something almost concrete. A proof
of my growth as a person, I suppose. Originality, it seems like you¼re saying, is an ends rather than a means. I
think that¼s a great way to look at it.
wynand (2003-11-06 20:17:24)
I¼m actually saying the exact opposite: I don¼t think of originality as an end in the sense of something you strive
for; I think of it more as an accidental consequence of having something eerie and awesome to say that comes out
of your own life or observations or fooling around or honestly whatever. I¼m going to do a post in some minutes
involving Rhygar which has something to do with what I think of originality, though I¼m not sure how transparent
the point is going to be.
pipster uwyo (2003-10-27 14:39:16) *stares in awe*
You are an amazing writer. Just thought you ought to know. And I¼m not just saying that. Reading this has
increased my homesickness dramatically. You say that the imagery isn¼t polished yet, but honestly, I could just
imagine sitting there watching the people pass. I am thoroughly impressed.
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:05:14) Re: *stares in awe*
Thanks, Emily. Although I¼m sorry you were homesick, it¼s sounding like you¼re starting to get adjusted up
there. Good for you.
belle27 (2003-10-27 22:42:14)
You¼re right there are no orginal themes left. There are a handful of basic story lines and they have all been used
about ten billion times over. I don¼t believe that good writing should have an obvious theme, in fact I don¼t believe
it should give anything away. Instead good writing is in the details, and one¼s ability to create one complete reality.
I also believe that good writing takes a lot of personal experience and that its nearly impossible to create incredible
at a young age. I¼m not saying I¼m any better but I have a fair amount of writing experience so if you want advice
I can help.
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:07:33)
See, I agree that many story lines have been done, but I think there¼s still room for originality. Also, I disagree
that no good writing should have an obvious theme. Every great work I¼ve ever read has had numerous themes
throughout. Not calling To Kill a Mockingbird or 1984 a great work of literature simply because
it has thematic, somewhat didactic value is ridiculous, in my eyes. Heheh... this post is turning into a big debate all
of a sudden. If we rejected all works by poets under 25 on the grounds that they don¼t have enough experience,
we would lose all of Rimbaud¼s poetry. That¼s a sacrifice I wouldn¼t want to make. Thanks for offering your
advice... I¼m sure I¼ll be able to prosper from it.
1.6.13
Everything. (2003-10-30 11:42)
Been too long since my last update, probably due to quite a bit of work and fun up here. Honestly, I’m
thoroughly enjoying myself. I realized last night that while everyone seems so similar, our minds work so
differently. Each of us have our own personal experiences that color our views of everything around us. The
human mind, in and of itself, is a wonder.
Not being able to read for the next month because of NaNoWriMo won’t exactly be a picnic, but it’s
necessary. Especially since Italo Calvino’s If on a winter’s night a traveler came in from Prospector today
to the library. Very, very tempting to start on it, but I shouldn’t. Planning for La Belle Dame Sans Merci
171
is coming along swimmingly, and I’ve largely been able to come up with a basic plot and a character sketch
of the male protagonist. (As of yet unnamed! If you have any suggestions, please give them to me.)
Oh, there are so many things to write that I can’t think of, so I’m just going to list main points.
-Spirituality is going to become a major focus of my life soon.
-I’m being a horrible person by burning and inhaling leaves of a plant, and perhaps as a result, my creativity during the past few weeks has been astounding. Nonsensical ”Pull My Daisy” type poems have been
flowing out of me almost continually. I’m almost ashamedly analogous to Trent from Youth in Revolt right
now. Ha.
-Some girls are keen.
-Some girls are not keen.
-I’m not very up to date on politics, but I saw Howard Dean somewhat convincingly rally the troops up
in Boulder. He said a few things that were pretty shaky: ”Everyone loves their SUVs; hell, I have two” that
drew some boos from the crowd, but I think he might be the Dems best candidate at this point. I think
Lieberman could win the election, but that’s only because he’s going to go as moderate as possible. Dean,
on most issues, will remain quite liberal, I think.
-That last bit was not a blurb.
-I will update this better when I know what to say.
arundel (2003-10-30 11:18:13)
What exactly is NaNoWriMo?
kevincarter (2003-10-30 13:20:47)
NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month, which happens to be November. A bunch of us <a
href=”http://www.nanowrimo.org”>masochistic idiots</a> get together to write a 50,000 word novel in a month.
This is my first time participating, so it should be interesting. Anyway, La Belle Dame Sans Merci is the
working-title of mine. Wish me luck. I¼ll need it.
arundel (2003-10-30 14:38:05)
Ah, what does that mean? Anyways, best of luck Kevin. I didn¼t know there was a special month for that. If
that¼s the case, then I¼m already finished. ;) You know, I¼d love to share some of my writing with you if you
wouldn¼t mine sharing some with me. When we both complete our pieces, would you want to trade?
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:09:16)
Absolutely! Although LBDSM and all of NaNoWriMo has been postponed, I¼d love to trade writing
back and forth.
yesthatems (2003-10-30 12:02:45) Lingo
-Some girls are keen. Heh heh. Keen is the word.
kevincarter (2003-10-30 13:26:09) Re: Lingo
I was wondering where I picked that up from, and I think it was you.
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yesthatems (2003-10-30 13:46:18) Re: Lingo
Probably. If you ever start saying ”wicked”, feel free to sue.
mycalliope (2003-10-30 12:53:48)
did he really say he had two SUVs? i missed that. what is it with people who are otherwise environmentally concious
but can¼t give up their SUVs? my enviornmental geography teacher told us that he owned one too. I am really
interested in Dean as a canidate, but i¼m afraid if he runs against Bush they are going to bring up his involvement in
gay-rights issues which, while i agree with wholeheartedly, would lose him a lot of votes from those right in the middle
who run away screaming from the words ”civil union.” oh, and off topic... sorry i ran off this morning (literally!) i just
really really really didn¼t want to stand and wait in the cold for the next bus.
kevincarter (2003-10-30 13:29:27)
Dean might be too liberal to win the primary, which is what I¼m worried about. Lieberman might take the nomination, which wouldn¼t be a good thing at all, considering he¼s part of the ”moderate” group. I do vividly remember
Dean saying that, although I can¼t find a transcript of the speech anywhere. The audience was not a big fan of
what he said about that, but he very quickly changed topics after judging their reaction. I think the reason for the
frequency of pro-environment, pro-SUV people is that they can¼t live by what they preach. It¼s basically just
hypocrisy. And please don¼t worry about running off. With how cold it was out today, I¼m surprised you even
said goodbye! Did you make the bus, or was it a Chicago-style driver? :)
mycalliope (2003-10-30 13:49:34)
Lieberman is way behind though, isn¼t he? i don¼t think that he¼s actually going to win. see, i can see Dean
winning the primary, b/c its just democrats, and then having trouble in the actual election. what do you think of
Clark? yeah, i caught the bus. although the bus driver was all ”at first i thought you were just waving, and i almost
didn¼t stop.” hello??? why would i be running and waving if i didn¼t want to get on?!? and it was creepy, b/c
the lights weren¼t on in the bus, so when i got on i couldn¼t see anything. very creepy.
wynand (2003-10-30 14:26:47)
(1) Why spirituality? (2) Watch the marijuana! It boosts some aspects of creativity, but makes you never want to do
anything involving structure or effort ever again, and after a certain point structure and effort are difficult to deny as
Good Things (3) Why If on a winter¼s night? I thought it was neatly constructed but boring to read, overall
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:11:55)
1) Spirituality is a method of connecting a lot of the feelings that I have right now to something more than that,
I think. Which is pretty important to me. Everything seems fleeting, like it could go away at an instant, and I
don¼t want it to. Some metaphorical soma from a church might do me good right now. However, I might eventually
have to face facts that this really is it. 2) After doing a little experimentation, I¼m trying to form some of what
I¼ve written into something with structure and cogency. We¼ll see how it works. 3) I wanted to write in sort of
an experimental voice in my proposed novel, but now that it¼s done, I really have no place for Calvino right now.
Reading other things first seems more important to me.
bileograph (2003-10-30 21:20:35)
though I¼ve never tried it, I¼m not a big proponent of drug-induced writing. I mean, what if suddenly the marijuana
plant in your lifetime became extinct! How frustrating it must be trying to return to that former stoned-glory! Better
to not rely on those buds and, like Dickinson, become inebriated with Air!
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:13:00)
More likely than the marijuana plant becoming extinct is either not having the money to buy it or not wanting to
173
be under its influence anymore. Your excellent advice has helped me in the past week. Thanks, as always.
1.6.14
(2003-10-30 19:46)
Oh, god, it’s time for some Magnetic Fields. I love love.
abstractpianos (2003-10-30 19:09:11)
...
pipster uwyo (2003-10-30 19:42:15)
...?
yesthatems (2003-10-30 20:20:05) Oy vey
Golly moses, Batman, who is it this time?
honestthistime (2003-10-30 21:23:03) I'm Taking Over..
So this is an official vote in effort to motivate our dear Kevin Andrew Carter to find a way to get a single picture of
himself digitized and on to the web. WHO WANTS TO KNOW WHAT KEVIN LOOKS LIKE??
xcape reality03 (2003-10-30 22:31:55) Re: I'm Taking Over..
I know what he looks like! *smiles* Well, to my knowledge, Kevin Carter looks like a human version of a teddy bear.
Very smiley and cheery. Makes one feel very welcome. Has cool glasses and a cool beard. But then again, I
haven¼t seen Kevin in about...3 months, so this could be completely different. Chao! But yes, Kevin put a picture
up of you, I¼m starting to think that you look like your icon...a little frightening if you ask me...
kevincarter (2003-10-31 08:26:11) Re: I'm Taking Over..
Heheh. Thanks for the description, Mollye. The beard is making its comeback. Thankfully, the horrors of dorm food
has made me a slightly slimmer teddy bear, but that¼s about the only dramatic change in the last three months.
(Has it honestly been three months? Actually, I think it¼s been closer to five. We ran into each other in June at
Starbucks, but that¼s the last time I can remember.) And, personally, I wouldn¼t mind looking like Jack Kerouac
at all, as long as I could write like him.
mycalliope (2003-10-31 11:20:10) Re: I'm Taking Over..
you had a beard?
pipster uwyo (2003-10-31 07:24:48) Re: I'm Taking Over..
holds up yearbook and points to picture of Kevin Carter* He looks like that.
I hate that yearbook picture. Actually, I was quite upset, because my mom decided to pick my four least favorite of
the yearbook photo session and submit a really horrible one to the yearbook. I wanted one that looked extremely
angsty and contemplative, but she wasn¼t buying that. (And it was her money, too, so I suppose she didn¼t
have to buy it. Ba dum chh.
pipster uwyo (2003-11-02 17:08:40) Re: I'm Taking Over..
Merry Christmas!!!!
174
obsidion knight (2003-10-31 08:14:01) Re: I'm Taking Over..
ive got pictures.... and since you¼re interested, ill put them online soon...
No. Drunk. Pictures. :-* In fact, no pictures at all. I¼m sure all of you could find some horribly embarassing ones
of me, and I don¼t really want that.
I¼ll post one in good time. I want to go out with a camera this weekend anyway, so when I scan those pictures,
I¼ll scan a few of myself. :) If one seems pseudo-poetic enough, I might even add it to the circulation of LJ icons,
which would also motivate me to create a Stephin Merritt icon.
groupie supreme (2005-10-08 04:57:54)
I loved you then. I love you now.
groupie supreme (2008-05-16 02:30:06)
And now.
1.7
1.7.1
November
A stupid survey post. (2003-11-04 20:07)
I try not to post these too much, but this one is actually good.
1.) Are you male or female?
”I’m a boy, I’m a boy! But if I say I am, I get it.” –The Who, ”I’m A Boy” (Thought about ”When
I was a boy, everything was riiiiiight” by The Beatles, but then it would sound like I’m not anymore.)
2.) Describe your neighborhood.
”But soot is the colour of the white city.” –Thomas Dolby, ”The White City”
3.) How do you look?
”Woke up; got out of bed; dragged a comb across my head.” –The Beatles, ”A Day in the Life”
4.) If you could say something to the person you like, what would it be?
”I could drink a case of you, and still, I’d be on my feet. I would still be on my feet.” –Joni Mitchell, ”A
Case of You”
5.) Where do you wish you were right now?
”I can’t wait to get back to New York City, where at least when I walk down the street, no one
ever hesitates to tell me exactly what they think of me.” –Ani Difranco, ”Every State Line”
6.) What would you say to your best friend(s)?
175
”I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends.” –Joe Cocker, ”With A Little Help From My
Friends,” the Beatles cover.
7.) Any words of wisdom?
”Just let us try to give these moments back to those we love, to those who will survive.” –Kate
Bush, ”Moments of Pleasure”
8.) What do you wish you were doing right now?
”On a ferris wheel, looking out on Coney Island.” –The Magnetic Fields, ”Strange Powers”
9.) What do you think of drugs and alcohol?
”It costs a lot more than it’s worth, and yet, there is no substitute.” –The Magnetic Fields, ”Love Is
Like A Bottle of Gin”
10.) If you could say one thing to your enemy, what would it be?
”But I don’t want a lover. I just want to be seen in the back of your car.” –The Smiths, ”You’ve
Got Everything Now,” sung to me like Morrissey imagined it being sung to him.
11.) What do you usually do on Friday nights?
”When the night comes, it’ll help you disappear. When the night comes, forget about the day that
brought you here.” –The Boomtown Rats, ”When the Night Comes”
12.) Are you for world peace?
”Oh, come take me away. Oh, ’cause everything is wrong today. I look to the east; there are colours in the
sky. The sun on my face, and oh, I’ve started to cry.” –Moby, ”Everytime You Touch Me”
13.) What do you think about school?
”No dark sarcasm in the classroom.
in the Wall pt. 2”
Teachers, leave them kids alone.” –Pink Floyd, ”Another Brick
14.) How do you feel right now?
”I feel like a quote out of context, withholding the rest, so I can be for you what you wanna see.”
–Ben Folds Five, ”Best Imitation of Myself”
15.) Any closing words?
”You have come by way of worry; you have come by way of tears. But you’ll reach your destiny,
meant to find you all these years.” –Cry Cry Cry, ”By Way of Sorrow,” the Julie Miller cover.
Real entry coming later. Promise.
176
prometheus911 (2003-11-04 19:27:50) Wow, finally an update!
You finally updated!
kevincarter (2003-11-04 20:08:43) Re: Wow, finally an update!
I¼m sure that the planets were shaken in their orbit when I posted an update today.
pipster uwyo (2003-11-04 20:44:38) Re: Wow, finally an update!
Actually...
shinryuusith (2003-11-04 19:43:04)
By ”actually good”, you mean an excuse to shamelessly post a bunch of song lyrics you like? Not that there¼s
anything wrong with that.
kevincarter (2003-11-04 20:29:25)
Yes. Exactly.
darth carnate (2003-11-04 19:48:18)
So, I¼m confused. Do you even think for yourself? J/K.
kevincarter (2003-11-04 20:07:38) Trust me.
On the next entry, you¼ll read me thinking too much. This is clearly preferable. :)
ecredes (2003-11-06 08:11:40) ...
you ruined the fucking survey by the way you answered. i got tired of reading it once i saw the magnetic fields quote...
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:14:10) Re: ...
Well, before you complain about my survey (cliched as it may be), I want to see yours. ”Purple People Eater” better
not be every song.
ecredes (2003-11-06 13:14:34) Re: ...
leave purple people eater out of this. that was low.
1.7.2
This isn’t the real entry. This is an artsy entry, when I’m stoned, when you are
seeing my mind. (2003-11-04 21:22)
If writing a novel just would have been writing pages of ethereal nonsense, over 1500 words a night would
never have seemed enough to do it in.
Mumbling, ”Sorrowful, tired, tiptoe-artists do that, don’t they?”
I am not myself right now, and I don’t know if you know what I mean.
This isn’t about you and you and you and you and you and you; it’s about her.
about you.
Or maybe it’s
Safety triggers an inevitable response in your veins. It stops your blood cold, in fear that something
might happen. Something sad and depressed and melancholy and sentimental Sentimentality is all I can
live for these days. And I fade off.
177
And maybe artists can’t make sense of their own work because they’re hiding something.
Everyone else’s minds are amazing. All of you. All of you.
So here goes. ”First thought, best thought, then edit it fifty times,” I tell myself blithely. Instinctually, I know what ’blithe’ means, but I thought I had forgotten, even though I read it before in the dust of
a dictionary. Dictionaries hold treasures. Each word is a treasure, and when I speak about you with these
words, my heart will never land and fade in the distance.
Flickering on an ancient television set of yesteryear (that’s the right write word) and there are shots
through my brain and shots through my brain. Not gunshots. They shutter in a magnificent wave of
fascination, and I’m not sorry if I’m not sorry. Love has left my veins lately, not life, and I’m not sure
what’s worse. Okay, I do know what’s worse. When it peaks up again inside you and you can notice it but
you can’t stop it and it loves you anyway (it tries to use its fierce magic on you) but you prevail through
genius monasticism. Get thee to a nunnery. Fiery storms of diamond skies and I’ll love you first; not all the
time. And the statement of everything’s filled and it’s sweet and the light in the darkness where someone
would creep. And a smile and a sneer and a pierced breath, my dear. These legends go to the end and they
refuse to wavor and the incredible, fantastic genius of the sun! can’t transform you in the way you thought
it could. But you cling to it, regardless. It’s your last breath, and it simply must be the last breath of this
pure air that gives feeling to our bones and life to our eyes!
And I loved you first, the girl said to the crab. And I loved you sixth, the girl said to the sap. But
the one I loved most I am with right now. He is my everything. He is my sunshine, he is my sunshine! He
makes me happy when skies are grey! You’ll never know, dear, just how I love him! So, please don’t take my
sunshine away! And he wallows in the sentimentality, he swims in a sea of it that is filled with syrup. And
all of her genius is turned out against her and life is clutching her always by the throat, because she hasn’t
had his ways of coping. He’s ravaged and striving, but nothing makes sense. He’s breathless and driving,
but he’s cutting the present tense from everyday life the present is out and the past and future remain, but
I think there is no future in him. And a new girl is standing there folding a blanket; she’s tracing a call
from a number to thank it. These fantasies haunt me, they haunt me, they haunt me. I wish they’d slow
down, but they haunt me; they haunt me! I’m taciturn, meaningless, scared in my bones and this loneliness
stays and this loneliness goes ’til the final caves in, ’til the masses lose touch; ’til he’s inside his windows and
outside her touch. ’Til he’s out on a limb by the roof on her house and knocking the windows, but no one
comes out. All in her splintering, steely-eyed gaze. All in her touch, in a warp, in a tomb. The man’s diving
and diving, but he can’t hear the tune, and he can’t whisper or make jokes anymore. He can’t, he can’t,
he can’t even hold onto his own breath, so how could he make the breath of another stop? It’s endlessly
whispering, it’s decaying, it’s creaking. It’s deceiving the pictures of past and the planned, the transforming
illusions of nothing he had, the escaping, the suff’ring to get through the turns. He’s recording, translucent,
and no one can defer. ”You might, you just might,” said the ghost to the cat. ”But you won’t hear me out,
and the language is that!”
I could start making sense, but performance is fine. Preferring illusions to real isn’t yours. Never
losing reality’s simply a bore. ”I feel a step closer to genius,” cried he. ”In transforming confusion, I first
try to think. Then, I first try to act as much as I can. But it doesn’t seem enough. Someone’s holding
the key, and these rhymes are faked and these rhymes are added to, but it’s getting you closer to where I
want to be, and it’s getting me closer to where I want to be. Withholding the keyhole, transferred through
the door, these visions are something I haven’t before. I haven’t them, haven’t experienced or had them.
Stream-of-consciousness is rambling, these words are a gambling that you’ll soon come back home, past the
woodlands and meadows and cows and the corn. The clock just won’t stop! it won’t stop! I’m transmuting
178
the wheat fields, transforming their tongues. I’m abusing each sorrow, abusing each thought. It’s a life of
a loser, the life of a slob. One who won’t spit when you kick at his shoe. His shoes are translucent; they
just don’t quite mix. They’re part of the rapture, they’re part of the sticks. Convoluting the passions of
those left behind, not reading the page that won’t let him rewind. They confuse through the echoes of
time through their tracks, their magnificent keyholes, their eluding fast tracks. These are softly persuading,
they’re begging and purring. They coo in your ear, and you’re lost to their whims. Anything goes with
their hair and eyelashes; why do they ask you which dress better matches? This is all nonsense; I’m leading
you on, in hopes that you’ll find meaning in what I cannot.
Illustriously carrying easter egg dye I can taste in my mouth as I talk to you now the rhythm of
words is pulsating in me, the rhythm and style of the writers of now of here of listening or walking of doing
something to break the action in life. A subplot, a film script, a chapter flies by. The chapters fly by as the
minutes tick on. They tick and they tick and they tick and they tick; they won’t leave me alone, they’re
amazingly rude. Their transmission is lost in this static wave too. If this is familiar to you, maybe it should
be. Maybe you should feel what I feel, but definitely should I feel what you feel. Experience your thoughts in
whatever medium possible. You’re winning, you’re winning! You were born to glide. You were born for me,
beautiful and blue. I could stay and hear with you. Hear the calling of the ages, hear the singing of the sea.
Hear the sweet, sweet kisses that were always promised me. Contemplation’s on the doorway, so what can I
do? I’ll shut him out alone, and I’ll just take a trip with you. We’re on a roll, struggling through beat-up
boxes on the horizon of joy, the horizon of pleasure or whatever can be counted pleasure in this muck that
stays on the back of my jeans and my face. Each face carries and shows some dirt. Your secrets can be
seen through a twitch in your lip or a blink of an eye. The last trumpet. The Second Coming: ideological,
philosophical, or even religious may come. I wanted to take pictures tonight, but writing these thoughts is
more important. The Gnostic ideal: mind over body. Mind over matter. Spirit over mind. Eternity over
spirit, because spirit does not define eternity. Instinct defies this reality. This reality is meaningless. It’s
meaningless.
Romantic poets of the city, you define everything! You purchase crackers to eat as you sit, writing
those salty sentences that make us chuckle. You go out at night, wandering the city, collecting leaves for
beautiful letters that I’m not allowed to mention. If you see anything here that means something to you,
eat it. Digest it. Feel it in the pit of your stomach. Those feelings mean something to me, too. Know that
the samples I give you of life will be short. Is this a poem to a beloved in the future? Maybe you’re just
receiving the poem for me. It was written for you, on October 4, 2003. You deserve it, because I don’t
deserve you.
The hims and the hes and the hers and the shes are all mes and yous inside. I want to touch your
heart, because I want the shallow promise of having my heart touched one day. ”For the love of that girl,
greed’s all gone now. Panic subsides.” Tindersticks. The sticks are tindered in our hearts, but the flame is
never burned. It has never. Maybe it will someday. No. I need to savor that ”ever.” It needs to become
plain to me. Everything is obscure but specific, and for that reason it is good, according to my mind. Until
the next song comes on the radio that sends shivers down my spine and threatens me with tears. Always,
now, I feel that sensation right before you’re about to cry. The one you wanted to hang onto forever, that
diamond sky flashes back up. This is so I can think back later, feel what I feel now, but feel it as everyday
citizens do. Yes, I will take you away. If you will take me away. Characters from a bad beach novel, but I
feel like them. I know the reason they exist.
Almost more than anything, lately, I love the freedom of knowing that I can always write. I have
been writing, but if I showed them to you, I would be violating [1]Jack Kerouac’s 1st belief and technique
about modern writing, and I don’t really want to do that. Even though I violate the rest of them all the
time anyway.
179
And this is meaningless, and I’m sorry, like I always am.
1. http://www.english.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88/kerouac-technique.html
pipster uwyo (2003-11-04 20:42:31) If the pot doesn't kill you, I might.
Emily¼s Translation of Kevin¼s Post: ”Blah, blah, blah. I¼m an idiot. Blah, blah, blah. I¼m an idiot.” When
I¼m seeing your mind, eh? I disected a sheep¼s brain in sixth grade. Before we started cutting it apart: This
is Kevin¼s brain. After we had finished slicing and dicing: This is Kevin¼s brain on drugs after Emily gets done
beating some sense into him.
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:14:46) Re: If the pot doesn't kill you, I might.
Aw, Emily, don¼t go Nancy Reagan on me. It doesn¼t suit you.
bileograph (2003-11-04 21:06:21)
I envy you in many ways. You¼ve got drive... you haven¼t got arms, and fingers, and limbs and imagination made
of stone.
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:15:29)
You haven¼t got arms, and fingers, and limbs and imagination made of stone either. They¼re made of rushing
water, and you¼re constantly flowing. At least it seems that way to me.
wardenusa (2003-11-04 23:17:00)
Hey Kevin. Now, work through this with me... Put the wacky Tobacky down Come back to the good side... ;)
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:16:11)
I can seriously picture you saying that. I¼d like to get together with everyone this weekend. When/where are you
guys doing something?
wardenusa (2003-11-06 12:19:29) Your mom
I think I¼m staying up in Fort. Collings this weekend. I know Jaegle (call him J-man) is trying to get everyone
together Sat. but I have a new girlfriend (yea, something is wrong) so I¼ll probably be up here. I¼m sure I¼ll
be able to cya soon though, esp. with thanksgiving break approaching. Yay for holiday about getting food from
Indians ;)
wynand (2003-11-05 11:42:59)
Oh god, why go by Kerouac¼s techniques? They all amount to ”be an honest soul who writes what is true and good
about people”, except for the ones about never revising, which I¼ve thought through and which it¼s difficult to make
sense of: how is ”the first word the best word”?
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:17:43)
Kerouac¼s techniques are far from perfect, which is why I rarely actually adopt them. Even the one I actually try
to hold as a personal rule, keeping secret notebooks, is often broken if I¼m tempted to show a fellow writer some
of my writing. Reading them just gives me a good feeling inside, because of the false belief that there are actually
steps to becoming a great writer. I have to accept that there aren¼t and keep working despite that fact.
180
1.7.3
(2003-11-05 11:36)
Perhaps there will actually be a time when I will post how I’m feeling about everything in a not quite so
ambiguous way, but this is not that time. Instead, you’re going to get more writing out of me while I’m at
work, thinking about how many things are more important than the math tests I’m about to take. (You are
not your test score.)
I sat in the fourth grade classroom, unaware of myself completely, pudgy, with crooked round glasses and
mussed hair that would turn from combed to uncombed by the end of the day, when the hair spray wore off.
I knew everything; I knew nothing. The teacher at the front of the classroom knew less and less.
We read Fox’s Book of Martyrs in class. (No wonder my passion for reading only started a few years
ago.) This book sat on Mrs. Harmon’s bedstand. She told us that she had repeatedly read this book and
that it provided inspiration to her. We were fourth graders. No concept of death or sex or anything. ”What
did I know, what did I know, of love’s austere and lonely offices?” What do I now know of them? She asked
us if we would die for our faith. We all lied to ourselves, smugly, knowing deep down that we would, even if
we couldn’t have told you what kind of a man Jesus was.
I don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s awful, what they did, but that’s all I know somehow. My
voice is clenched and cackling, undeniable yet ineffable. I want it to resonate throughout the world. This
expression must be my highest priority.
All I know is there’s magic all around me. In the cracks of the windows or the fire escape stairs. The
pool-tabled dance halls and stolen red glances. The burning of rush and the fire of spirits, alcoholic and
ethereal. Entrancing and frightening, her eyes in the wind. I can never quite glimpse them. I’m always just
hidden. Hidden by my own lack of thoughts. What to do next? A hand on her cheek would scare her away.
And this idealization will hurt me again, but I will learn from the hurt and thus be hurt again, because there
is progress in this hurting. Above all, there is life in everything I thought there was before. I was right, and
I will remain right about that singular thing. (Specifics won’t land, and my eyes just can’t muster the image
I want and parades circle through and the rust on the wall and the rain on the roof. And the smell of the
leaves and the smell of the torn-out pages. I want to write a 10,000 page manuscript and have time to edit
out the good stuff.
When I look around,
I think this– this is good enough,
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings.
’cause when I look down,
I just miss all the good stuff,
And when I look up,
I just trip over things.
181
You’re all the black graphite in this pencil and the rough surface of a flowery boulder in spring. The
essence of time and a singular weed growing fast through a crack in the pavement. You’re everything and
nothing, and ”all the things we said you’d never say and you said anyway – the things we did and didn’t
do, the things we did and didn’t do – come flooding back to me now.” Everything is an epic, steel-toed and
lazy. These dreamers, it seems that they’re odd and they’re crazy. But looking out over this city, I feel that
nothing is dead that can now seem so real.
Even if love does not appear in these words, I can feel it flowing.
Social blogging and ”what I did today” post later.
obsidion knight (2003-11-05 11:17:26)
you are not your test score, especially when its choose your own work algebra... :-* just joking kevin!!!!!
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:19:20)
It¼s not choose your own work, unfortunately, or I¼d still be back on arithmetic. I had to take four tests yesterday,
which made me sob so much that the pencil lead on the test was smeared. (Okay, not really.) But they were still
difficult, especially since I haven¼t done any of the suggested homework for the class since, like, five tests ago. :-*
wardenusa (2003-11-05 13:19:29)
Maybe you should comb your hair
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:19:51)
That takes, like, three minutes. Plus, I don¼t want to get the Stadler comb-over look going.
wardenusa (2003-11-06 12:20:50)
LOL, you should see my hair now. It¼s spiked and has blonde tips. Yea, I¼m crazy......... I know you liked my
hair the way it was before anyway =P
bileograph (2003-11-05 19:22:59)
!!!
kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:20:04)
???
1.7.4
(2003-11-06 11:48)
An actual post follows to keep people reading this past the insurmountably abstract words I’ve been posting
in here lately.
Things are going really well up here in Boulder. I’m enjoying the feeling of being able to do things when
182
I want, procrastinating other things, riding the busses all over town for absurd purposes like returning a
tuxedo or getting a winter coat. The weather is gorgeous, and sometimes I’m glad that I’m here, where I
can experience all of the different seasons in a day and not think twice about it. The skies are a ”fathomless
blue,” and the mountains are bare and rugged, and the streetlamps shine wherever I go.
Writing has been helping me get over some of the shit I’ve been through in the past few months. Pouring
these emotions out, even if they’re incomprehensible to others, has been good for me. From now on, most of
those entries will probably just be kept in my pen and paper journal, but nonetheless, thank you for reading
some of them. I’m at a point, though, where I’ll mostly be posting things that actually made sense, because
a writer is denied a chance to live without an audience of some sort. But I guess even dead trees are an
audience.
Relationships are the same as that fathomless blue sky, so I’m not sure I can even wrap my mind around
them enough to describe what’s going on right now.
Last weekend was excellent. Being Adam’s very own Public was quite a bit of fun. Although I still feel
bad (not really) for calling him from Nick’s cell phone. I love getting together with everyone, though, just
to catch up. I think the friendships that we’ve formed are important, and we have to make sure that we
hang onto them, even if those friendships change sometimes. Also, going up to Central City’s graveyard with
Brandon was a ton of fun. We’ll probably be heading back up there April 15 of next year, so you can feel
free to eventually join the crowd. It was eerie, though. I wish more paranormal experiences happened to me.
If those of you that know me are starting to sense a change in me, I think it’s a good kind of change.
My thoughts are becoming purer, and I’m feeling more a part of the wind around me. This sounds like
new-age bullshit, but it’s not. Your words and the way you think mean a lot to me, and looking in your
eyes, I can see light reverberating through you.
Speaking of eyes, I want to look into everyone else’s lately, just to show I’m alive and human and want
to reach out to them somehow, even if I never have enough time to do that. Everytime I walk down the
street and just try to meet my eyes with theirs, they look for a second, but finally turn away, frantic. I can’t
claim that ”I never avert my eyes” or that ”I never compromise,” like Ani can, but I haven’t been lately. If
someone looks at me, I look at them back. This isn’t to be creepy or anything. It’s just trying to understand
someone else a little more by the emotion you see welling up inside them.
They’re getting better, because it’s teaching me about rhythm, along with ”sound and sense.” (Yes, I know
that everything I’m doing is contradicting Pope in a ridiculous way, because according to him, ”True ease
in writing comes from art, not chance.” However, experimenting with rhythms and the sounds of words is
crucial to discovering that Great American Poetry that really is in all of us.
With that said, I might type up some of this pseudo-poetry that deals with sound over sense. Unfortunately, the lines are flying o’er the unbending corn, but Camilla’s not there at all. I need to get her there,
eventually.
This wasn’t a real entry, but at least I’m acknowledging the necessity of proper thought into my writing.
Until a few minutes from now.
wardenusa (2003-11-06 11:29:04)
Kevin, all entrys are real entrys silly!
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kevincarter (2003-11-06 12:21:04)
Well, by a real entry, I guess I meant an entertaining entry. But I don¼t think I¼ve ever written one of those, so
we¼re good.
pipster uwyo (2003-11-06 12:50:32)
I won¼t go Nancy Reagan on you. I just wish you would stop smoking pot. Maybe next weekend I¼ll be able to get
to CU and visit everyone. :)
kevincarter (2003-11-06 13:54:21)
Fair enough. Looking forward to seeing you if you can make it down.
ecredes (2003-11-06 13:26:11) :-*
this is the type of post i was waiting for. all those piece of shit ones that i couldnt get past the first paragraph before
i lost interest...i was feeling ripped off, this one made up for it though. and i¼m sorry you couldnt join us for the
matrix last night..
kevincarter (2003-11-06 13:53:53) Re: :-*
Haha. Well, I¼m glad you enjoyed it. What did you guys think of The Matrix? Honestly, that might dictate whether
I even see it, because I was really disappointed with the second one.
pipster uwyo (2003-11-06 14:17:16) Re: :-*
I thought the second one was terrible. Although I did find it funny that Keanu Reeves had to do a ”cool” pose before
every, single fight scene. And, what was the point of the orgy anyway? I had to shield my sister¼s eyes.
1.7.5
(2003-11-06 15:31)
Some of the results of my scrambled writing over the past few days follow. The first is a genuine free-write,
and the second is a compilation of some random thoughts and images that have been going through my
mind. After that, though, it turned into a free-write after all. It’s not good, but I think there’s some good
to be taken from it.
11/5/03
Raging across the infinite skies,
With rage in her bones
And love in her eyes.
Thoughts and plans must yield to action,
But would living a dream
In Elysian fields
Be somehow inferior to this
World of routine with a chance
Of breaking the pattern?
I can’t recall those old pictures,
Portraits with tears from
the broken memories
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That can’t be replaced
Within my heart.
The green of a shrub
Or the rush of a basketball,
Speedlines radiating from it.
I’m cut in half
Just when I thought the scars were all faded.
You loved a breath of indignation
Just to shut it up.
You pushed me on the ground,
Bashed me in the tooth,
Made me bleed, just
For remembering you.
I wanted to.
To feel that pain again
Grape digging this time into
My scarred palate.
I savored the pain,
Collected my bones,
Rushed up through the house,
Screaming, ”Leave me alone!”
Rats in the bedroom,
Digging to scratch,
Telephones buzzing,
Sound faces back.
Criticized it all,
Threw down a flood,
Kinetic reflections
Of a world far above.
Tightening their grip,
Soft and sleepless nights
Choking everything.
I’m toothless and iced.
Power stops again, with
Races etched in stone.
Calligraphy replaces
Print’s hollow grave.
Magic will attack
Staid and chronicled.
The mess of silver powdered streams,
The rage and softly-arrowed fields,
Sung with delight.
Strong in its death,
Pity in its eyes.
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Winter’s harshness finds us.
Lack of things to say;
Too many things to do.
Tops dangle ceaselessly.
Another page, another page
Of black-inky memories
That no one will know;
No one can know (or even should)
The emotions behind these
Struggling, starving words.
Pixel-wheeled, tired cars snap away.
You’re the one who’s loved
In this tourist town.
Tender gaze moves a face of red,
Telling secrets never told,
Selling secrets never sold.
I’ll tell you what I love
When I hear those words
Come out of your mouth.
I’m sure I sound tortured,
But I’m not.
”Freedom tastes of reality.”
How could the music ever stop?
It only stops when the singer
Forgets his song.
Trash cans and boots
And creeks behind houses.
Eternally signalling
Spring is too far.
But ”April is the
Cruellest month,”
Offering us laughable hope,
Sorrowful joy.
Campgrounds remove
A certain loathing of the city.
Respite. I’m searching for respite.
Calls you on the phone,
Telling you to wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No more waiting.
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Tender ever-hearts go down easy
In daydream otherworlds.
I told you falsely. I did.
Memory is fading.
Few thoughts of parents are next.
Everything’s a farce,
But we’re the actors,
And dammit,
The show must go on.
and
11/3-11/6
I want a girl to use exclamation points!
I feel like my mind connects with the minds of others.
Release.
Sometimes, people wish for the opposite of experience. Why?
What if the thoughts of my mind – every single one – were transcribed for me to read later? Every
abstract emotion written down. I feel like if this happened, the gates of heaven would be near for me.
If I followed the advice of the people I respect, I wouldn’t get into trouble nearly as often.
This is a moment of clarity.
Everything is heavy, and I can’t walk. How could I wait this long to write?
That last breath of air was a relief.
Smell of the night air when our whole family was going out to dinner.
Some people leave us without suicide notes to understand why.
Revolution continues through today: ”Girls with pink hair for Dean!”
My watch is slowing down.
That camera won’t stop ringing;
The constructor’s all alone.
The piano keys are clinging,
And trees echo their tone.
The fire’s been burned out
187
But started up again.
Cleaning out the grout;
I’ll meet you there in ten.
Perspective’s getting thin,
And change is in the air.
People that continue to complain about the weather don’t, and perhaps can’t, understand the beauty of it
all.
Dexterity is the order of strength.
In the end, the forests will all die.
A working clock tells the right time 86,400 times a day.
At the crossroads,
Standing in the sun;
I’ve got a knife,
And he has a gun.
Tell me in the end
The splashing of the trees.
Tell me, tell me, tell me.
Bring me to my knees.
On the tightrope,
Walking off the edge.
Bitter, strange aromas
Laugh me off my head.
In the moment,
Terrifying all the snakes.
Incense, removal.
Love is just a game.
Sneaky driver told me
Love was just a test.
I couldn’t take it;
Had to get a rest.
Two slick-necked rowboats ahead
Living in your ear
Trace that gold
Pop you in the mouth,
Shoot you in the face.
Get me outta this awful place.
Ducks in a row,
Watchin’ TV
188
Everybody always knows these little things but me.
Air tip row tight jaw amazed,
Looking for a demon,
You might say I’m evil-crazed.
Tallied votes always run amok
When the situation’s up to snuff,
You gotta run. Just slippin’ by.
In the end, the poets all die.
I’ll love you ’til I’m ill,
Love you ’til I feel
This rapping on the door.
Tender floorboards
Sniffin’ glue
”I’ll do what I want to do.”
I need gloves.
Talk-show host
Peel these arms around you.
Feel my presence warm you.
You’ll never stop feelin’ me ’til...
Smoke has gone away.
Time is here to stay.
Why’d you wanna go and wreck
And wreck and wreck
The soft words of our love today?
Poking me, I said the time is gone now.
What you wanna do?
Kick the floorboards.
There’s another chase:
Ever-loving grace.
The fruitless murmur of another
Year gone by.
She’s sitting next to me,
Reading all my
Half-drunk ramblings.
But what am I drunk on?
I’m drunk on the world.
Leaves blowing in the wind.
Tires giving out.
Terrorized
By your silent eyes,
I sit,
Twisted.
I’ll love you ’til I die.
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Love you ’til I die.
My loneliness is all you can take from me.
groupie supreme (2003-11-06 14:45:25)
I¼m just going to sit here, and read these over and over again.
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:11:29)
You are too kind, as usual.
groupie supreme (2003-11-11 08:27:50)
Well, it¼s nice to have someone to be nice to.
plastichope (2003-11-06 17:17:05)
some of it reminds me of a good folk/rock song. mind if i take a clip for my AIM profile? :)
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:11:57)
Thanks, and go for it. :)
jokaswild (2003-11-07 05:54:42) Kevin, my friend...
as much as i think that you have officially transformed into hippy/beatnick now that you¼ve experienced the barfoot
hokey pokey that is CU, i still find some of your words meaningful and indulging, also, although i am in the dark on
your most recent issues, i would much like to talk and help you in any ways you will allow, hopefully you will read
this soon, my AIM name is armygamer1213 and my yahoo is armygamer ok? well, hoping he¼ll talk to you later, the
friend you want to hold on to most of all...-Mike
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:14:37) Re: Kevin, my friend...
Great to hear from you, Mike, and I¼m glad Livejournal has spread all the way there. I really haven¼t transformed
into hippie/beatnik, either. I¼m just pretending. One day, I wrote down the following in my notebook: ”I¼m trying
to be Jack Kerouac.” It¼s so true. Anyway, I¼d really like to talk to you soon, too, if you¼re not too busy playing
videogames next time! ...just kidding. :) Have a good one.
1.7.6
(2003-11-07 00:30)
Tonight’s the night that I’ve been waiting for.
Oh, I know you see me worship you from afar.
And I might tell you that I love you, and I will
But just for tonight.
One night’s all right, tonight.
Just one night, just one night, just one night.
–The Boomtown Rats, ”When the Night Comes,” one of my very favorite songs ever.
And the guitar flies off. Here I am, head floating thanks to the Red Bull I drank trying to write my
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English paper... but not before studying for my Math midterm and doing Grammar homework. Things are
pretty damn chaotic right now. If I keep listening to this song, I’m sure to be depressed. I don’t really want
to mix caffeine with anxiety and depression, so I probably won’t.
Words mean nothing to me right at this second. They’re particles and gerunds and verbs with a conditional present perfective aspect right now. Everything rises and falls, and I remain the same, my heart
beating faster and faster. ”The names were tex and frequently koid. Or they were flex and oid or they were
duroid (sand) or flexsan (duro), but everything was glass (but not quite glass) and the thing that you touched
(the surface, washable, crease-resistant) was rubber, only it wasn’t quite rubber and you didn’t quite touch
it but almost.” Yes, that story means so much to me, but I need the ground to come up slightly to meet my
foot this time. I need to leave for a while, and I don’t know the way out. Of course, I won’t, and I have
nowhere to turn. But I want to go to Europe and love someone by The Louvre tonight. On a plane to Paris,
ignorant of the language, hopeful that I can glean from it the grandeur that the expats never quite could.
Then I want to kiss a river and the girl, feeling a chill on my lips. ”Close to the edge, down by a river. Not
right away, not right away.” Most of these dreams will remain unfulfilled.
I don’t know what to write or say or think and my head hurts. It hurts and my body is tingling like
it’s giving out. Spite the gods.
prometheus911 (2003-11-06 23:46:04) Spite the Gods?
That¼s what Prometheus did....
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:15:52) Re: Spite the Gods?
Same with Sisyphus. Oftentimes, that¼s one of my primary reasons for going on.
prometheus911 (2003-11-10 21:01:53) Re: Spite the Gods?
/- { }-\
jokaswild (2003-11-07 05:57:01) Kevin, my friend...
as much as i think that you have officially transformed into hippy/beatnick now that you¼ve experienced the barfoot
hokey pokey that is CU, i still find some of your words meaningful and indulging, also, although i am in the dark on
your most recent issues, i would much like to talk and help you in any ways you will allow, hopefully you will read
this soon, my AIM name is armygamer1213 and my yahoo is armygamer ok? well, hoping he¼ll talk to you later, the
friend you want to hold on to most of all...-Mike
wardenusa (2003-11-07 13:10:33) Re: Kevin, my friend...
If your not sure who this punk ass bitch is, it¼s mike. He¼s off in South Mexico Fighting the arab¼s who are trying
to build weapons of mass oil. Or at least that¼s what I was told. And he¼s lying if he says he can understand even
a little bit of what your saying ;)
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:18:37) Re: Kevin, my friend...
Actually, considering the current administration in Washington, I¼m not surprised that¼s what you were told.
And I know I¼m incohere– I mean, mysterious and enigmatic.
pipster uwyo (2003-11-07 14:28:27) AAHHHHH! THE DOOR!
Just remember, ”the man understands that life is always going to be difficult and change is always going to happen,
but the key to surviving is not to hide or wallow in self-pity, but to press on and not let change ¼unsettle the mind.¼”
By the way, according to Newton¼s third law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, the ground
actually does come up to meet your foot. No really, it does. :)
191
wardenusa (2003-11-07 22:49:12) Re: AAHHHHH! THE DOOR!
Psss, this talk of science isn¼t good. Remember, you own the ground. It is your bitch ;)
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:22:43) Re: AAHHHHH! THE DOOR!
Sometimes, I think change should unsettle the mind a bit. I think it makes us more aware of what¼s
around us and lets us appreciate the beauty of life all the more. Of course, a side effect is depressing Livejournal
posts. Sounds like it¼s time for some cost-benefit analysis. Bah to science. I like E.B. White¼s version better. ”I
don¼t know whether to tell her about the door they substituted or not, he said, the one with the equation on it and
the picture of the amoeba reproducing itself by division.” Science failed him, and it has failed me. So ha! :)
pipster uwyo (2003-11-10 19:33:03) Re: AAHHHHH! THE DOOR!
M*V, just a little momentum, my friend. A little momentum. There¼s science in everything. You can¼t escape it.
And unless you are floating through the air, I¼d say gravity hasn¼t failed you. If it¼s not my musical interests
you¼re criticizing, it¼s my major. :) *throws things at Kevin in perfect parabolic paths*
1.7.7
(2003-11-09 13:28)
What a surprise. Kevin’s going to return to the Livejournal days of yesteryear, with an overanalytical emotional essay regarding a relationship that never had the chance of going anywhere, especially now. Maybe if
I type enough of these words, I can eventually figure these things out, but I don’t think so.
I
don’t
know
why I
feel
so
tonguetied.
–Radiohead, ”Myxomatosis”
I feel like this weekend has been an absolute waste. No homework has been done, and I’ve been hanging out with people I don’t care too much for. These Bacchanal tendencies are doing almost nothing to me
other than further devoting me to samsara rather than self-actualization. I can’t express myself to people
that I love. Other times, though, everything that I’m thinking can be articulated perfectly in a moment of
clarity. I can say everything I want, people laugh at my jokes, and there’s never that dangling conversation.
You say good things come to those who wait.
Into the spiral,
Your world and my world,
It’s never final.
Love just leaves you bruised.
...
And I’ve got the scars to prove it.
–The Bens, ”Bruised”
Over the last week or so, I’ve been doing a pretty close read of a book by a few professors of psychology at Case Western Reserve called Breaking Hearts: The Two Sides of Unrequited Love. Supposedly, this
192
book was for external character research on my novel, which would have helped better portray the interior
monologue of the belle dame sans merci towards Cain’s character. Of course, deep down, I knew it was for
me. For figuring out why unrequited love pours out of me and how much damage it does to me and the other
person. Needless to say, it wasn’t exactly a beach read. However, I think there was some valuable insight
for me within it.
(I’m plagiarizing the jargon from the book, so forgive me for that.)
To me, the most important portion of the book regarded the so-called ”scriptlessness” of the rejector. They,
unlike the secretive, pining lover, have no societal stereotype to adopt. They are left without a script, without
a means to reject the would-be lover. What’s the best way to do it? Well, of course, the rejector should
tell the would-be lover immediately that they have no romantic interest. This rarely happens to me, and
while I claim that I wish it would, I’m probably lying. In cases when I’ve been told this, I’ve had a sense of
bitterness towards that person anyway, so it doesn’t matter too much.
However, a much more often (and painful) occurrence has to do with the rejector telling me they’re not
interested in terms that are far too vague to mean anything. Some excerpts from the book:
• The explicitness of the rejection was often more apparent to the rejector than to the would-be lover.
Perhaps the rejector intended to be clear and explicit, but in the act tried to sweeten the blow with some
compliments of kind words or other things that enabled the would-be lover to salvage some hope. The
effort to be clear and explicit, in other words, may have ended up as another mixed message.”
• Tennov has suggested that the only cure for being in love is to get indisputable evidence that the target
of one’s love is not interested.
• It is very plausible that there were simply mixed and ambiguous signals regarding the rejector’s feelings.
Often there was friendship between the two, or even some degree of mutual attraction. And even when
the rejector is certain that he or she does not want this romance, the rejector does not want to be
cruel and so may say kind things as a way of being nice and minimizing the hurt of rejection. But kind
words or nice, friendly acts may be interpreted by the would-be lover as suggesting that there is hope
after all.
The issue of scriptlessness on the part of the rejector has always hurt me, personally, in relationships. Let’s
analyze, shall we? And then fire Shot down From the sky in bolts Like shining blades of life. And it ripped
Right through the flesh Of the children of the sun, and the moon, and the earth. –Rufus Wainwright, ”The
Origin of Love,” his cover of a song from Hedwig and the Angry Inch With [1]Kate, this ambiguity was
constant in our relationship. Holding each other on cold, tired nights. Whispering to her and trying to hear
her whispers back to me. There were moments of sheer joy for both of us, I know, but I hadn’t reached
the point that she needed me to. She wanted to hold onto me for my friendship, but of course, she wasn’t
interested in me romantically. I can’t imagine anyone being at that time. I was hurting, nearly friendless,
overweight, and wrote her horrible poetry that came out of just where it should have come from: a 16
year old’s notebook. Her scriptlessness contributed to all of the mixed signals. There was something there,
though, but I don’t know what it was. Hilary was intentionally ambiguous, which was the worst part. She
even told me that at some point there was a chance of us dating. Why would she have done that? Because
she didn’t know what else to say! We always follow these media models of how to act, and when we don’t
have them, we’re helpless! We do all we can do to protect ourselves from any blame in the situation. There
is so much more to say about this, but I don’t know it. I don’t know it. The only thing I can do is try to
pick this up and repair ”the pain” that ”cuts a straight line down through the heart.” I don’t even know what
I’m talking about anymore.
193
wardenusa (2003-11-09 12:52:57)
Ouch, massive burn from the whole Kate thing Kevin. I wish I had been there when that happened, I have had girls
do some pretty horrible things to me and I know the feeling. Let me give a very small piece of advise when it comes
to women. I understand if you don¼t take it, since I know almost nothing about women, but I think that this might
help a bit. For you to have a true loving relationship you have to have 3 things. These three things are Passion,
Intamacy, and commitment. While it¼s possible to have a loving relationship with only one or two of these things
the most complete love would have all three. Now here¼s the advice from me: ”People don¼t change, even if you
and them want to”. If someone is an @ $ $ to you one day it¼s likely for them to be an @ $ $ the next day and the
day after that. If your in a relationship and the other person does or doesn¼t do something that is really important
to you I like to give them the LAST CHANCE ”try”. Because it¼s possible for someone to change and I believe that
everyone should at least be givin a first chance tell them what it is that is important to you and see if they respond.
99 % of the time it won¼t matter, but I¼m a romantic at heart, so I think they should be givin a chance. Not sure
if that¼s even topical....Stupid brain ;)
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:28:59)
Were you around for any of the Kate thing? I know you weren¼t when I was interested in her, but were you when
Dennis Sauter was? An all-too-similar thing happened to him, unfortunately. Passion, intimacy, and commitment
sound like awesome keys to a relationship. My problem is that I don¼t know how to get there. I always have the
passion and the commitment down, but the intimacy is a problem. Well, maybe it¼s not the intimacy so much as it
is that all of the characteristics you mentioned are reciprocal. All of those things have always been evident to some
extent, but they¼re not there on both sides. A relationship takes two people, and while that¼s an absurdly obvious
statement, it never seems to click for me. That¼s extremely topical. Thanks, yet again.
pipster uwyo (2003-11-09 13:54:38) *sigh*
Well this has got to be the most depressing thing I¼ve read all weekend. I have absolutely no romantic advice to give
you. Sorry. I do, however, think you need a vacation and I hope you caught the lunar eclipse last night. :)
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:32:41) Re: *sigh*
I promise... I don¼t intentionally make people feel like shit in my journal entries. Sometimes, it just happens.
angst++, eh Andrew? (No more inside jokes to people on comments not addressed to that person.) Moving on.
Thankfully, I don¼t think there¼s a lot of romantic advice to give. I¼m kind of in relationship stasis right now,
which has helped me think about a lot of different issues, moving me to quite the opposite of a contemplative stasis.
I do need a vacation of some sort, and I¼d like to head up with some people to the mountains for a weekend to get
away from it all, if anyone¼s interested. Also, I caught the tail end of the lunar eclipse and was still amazed.
goldenburning (2003-11-09 14:26:40)
Random, pointless comment: It¼s almost scary how sometimes your journal entries manage to contextualize my
thoughts.
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:37:18)
Glad to hear that it happens for someone else, and I think you put it extremely well. Both my and other people¼s
entries (yours certainly included) contextualize, but don¼t necessarily dictate, how I feel. What I write is very often
used to remind me a few days (or weeks or years) later how I felt at that point in time, which allows me to better
assess how I¼m feeling in the moment. You should update much more, because I love reading your posts.
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groupie supreme (2003-11-09 14:33:37)
What a fantastic (to me, at least) mood. It implies so many things. See? You aren¼t too grown up. If anything, this
is just another example of how much growing in you still are able to do, and despite whichever connotation
you may choose, that¼s a good thing.
kevincarter (2003-11-10 19:41:32)
That¼s definitely the mood I was in at the moment. I love achieving the mot juste every once in a while,
and if I did it enough, I¼d probably become obsessed with it. (Jesus Christ, I¼m talking like a section man. Maybe
even Lane Coutell, god forbid.) Sometimes, I¼m worried that the ecstasy or dread I¼m feeling – often, both in the
same day – is part of adulthood, and I don¼t want it to be. But you¼re definitely right: there¼s a lot of growing
in that everyone, regardless of their age, can still do.
groupie supreme (2003-11-11 08:30:59)
You are far too intuitive to be compared to Lane Coutell. Adulthood, like everything else, is only what you make
it. Hah. Says the sixteen year old who so obviously has no experience in said matter.
mycalliope (2003-11-09 15:23:37)
that book sounds really interesting. To me, the most important portion of the book regarded the so-called ”scriptlessness” of the rejector. They, unlike the secretive, pining lover, have no societal stereotype to adopt. i¼ve been
on the side of the ”rejector” quite a few times, and i think that it is quite accurate to say that there is no societal
stereotype to follow in this position. especially when both people in the situation are teenagers. I know that as a
teenage girl, i was accused of ”leading people on” several times, when i had no idea that i was doing any such thing.
I was just starting to realize that i had some kind of power over the men around me, but i was still unsure of how
much power i had, or how to deal with it. because of this, i made a lot of people really unhappy, because they
thought that i was showing sexual interest in them, while i thought that i¼d made it clear that i wanted nothing
more than friendship. the rejector does not want to be cruel and so may say kind things as a way of being nice
and minimizing the hurt of rejection. But kind words or nice, friendly acts may be interpreted by the would-be lover
as suggesting that there is hope after all. over time, i¼ve learned to be more careful about the signals that
i¼m giving out, but sometimes it is still hard for me to be brutally honest about my feelings, and i see that there
is a distinct possibility that in my attempts at being nice i have actually been sending mixed signals. I feel like a
lot of times when i¼ve had male friends there has been a lot of miscommunication about what is wanted out of the
friendship. I find it really frustating when i think that friendship has been going fine, and then i find that the other
person has feelings for me and is under the impression that i feel the same way. but its so hard to flat out tell someone
that i am not interested in them more than as a friend, because if i do that and the person says ”what are you talking
about? don¼t flatter yourself–i¼m not interested in you!” i feel really stupid, like i¼ve been being conceited and
thinking someone is interested in me when they are not. so instead, i try to just drop hints, but then half the time
the person has no idea, and i end up looking like a bitch. i think that another thing that is hard for the rejector is
that they never asked for the other person to love them, and now they are in this situation that they are obligated
to deal with, and they never wanted in the first place. because of this, its easy to just try to ignore the situation and
hope that it goes away. this happened to a friend of mine over the summer, and she told me how frustrated she was
with the entire situation, because she didn¼t feel like she¼d had any control over it happening. well, i think i¼m
starting to babble now, but this is something that i¼ve encountered a lot over the past few years, and so i¼ve done
a lot of thinking about it.
kevincarter (2003-11-10 20:00:04)
i¼ve been on the side of the ”rejector” quite a few times, and i think that it is quite accurate to say that there is
no societal stereotype to follow in this position. especially when both people in the situation are teenagers. I know
that as a teenage girl, i was accused of ”leading people on” several times, when i had no idea that i was doing any
such thing I can definitely see where you¼re coming from, and I¼m sorry for it, but I think I might be able
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to explain it to you, particularly since – if I recall correctly – you were hanging out with people a bit outside of the
norm. Nerds, geeks, and generally misfits tend to be led on a lot easier than other people. Take me, for instance.
In 6th through 8th grade, when I was basically the laughing stock of Faith Christian Middle School, very few people
were nice to me. I even got kicked out of the nerd group with the declaration that they, quite simply, didn¼t want
me sitting at their table. ”Go away; we don¼t want you here” constantly echoed through my ears, and it sparks
up at times even today. Anyway, there was a girl (Lynn Richter, who I mentioned in one of those long relationship
posts that I don¼t feel like looking up the URL for) who treated me decently. As in saying hi to me in the halls and
occasionally talking to me in class if no one else was around. Quite needless to say, I was overjoyed. However, because
she treated me so differently, I was like a puppy dog around her. I thought that if I was nice enough and smart
enough that somehow I would win her. I agonized over the whole situation and tried to ask her to Homecoming.
Of course, she didn¼t really know any of this was coming, and declined my invitation. (Who wouldn¼t have back
then?) Anyway, I couldn¼t understand it. She showed extra affection for me; how could she not be romantically
interested? Well, of course, now I know that there¼s a difference between love and pity. But I didn¼t at the time,
and trying to replay that scenario in my head has probably caused me quite a bit of harm in relationships. It¼s easy
for social outcasts to fall into the trap of ”needing” someone to love them as a way of negating other people¼s dislike
for them. I always felt like it would offer me some consolation if there was one person out there that understood me
enough to touch me or kiss me or anything. Wow. I will not allow this comment to reach the length of a full-fledged
post. its so hard to flat out tell someone that i am not interested in them more than as a friend, because if i
do that and the person says ”what are you talking about? don¼t flatter yourself–i¼m not interested in you!”
Jesus. I made the unforgivable mistake of doing this to someone during this summer while I really did have
feelings for her, just to try to minimize my own hurt. It was a terrible mistake, and I still feel remorse for it. Usually,
when you flat out tell someone that you¼re not interested, it¼s a result of their fairly obvious affection for you, so I
wouldn¼t (and won¼t) hesitate to do that in the future. i think that another thing that is hard for the rejector
is that they never asked for the other person to love them, and now they are in this situation that they are obligated
to deal with, and they never wanted in the first place. because of this, its easy to just try to ignore the situation
and hope that it goes away. This is a great point. Rejectors never stand to gain anything from their position.
They¼re in a lose-lose situation, really. They can¼t make the other person happy, regardless of what they do. All
they can do is try to shield them from the pain as best as they can, which can sometimes mean taking on part of the
pain themselves. Anyway, thanks for the well-thought-out comment. It really made me consider a few things about
my life with regard to this stuff.
pmaguardian (2003-11-09 15:53:35)
Hey Kev... you wanted a reason why I think Radiohead is overrated? See those lyrics from that Radiohead song that
you posted in your update? They suck. The end. *Walks away* I am the Alpha, I am the Omega, I am Batman
Nick
kevincarter (2003-11-10 20:02:28)
Oh, they don¼t suck. And I almost believed you that they were ”like shitty emo band lyrics” at first, but then I
realized that most great art has to do with expression of emotions in some form. There are far worse evils in the world
than Radiohead, even if you don¼t like them. For instance, isn¼t there a local band with a new album coming out
soon that¼s a little bit worse?
jokaswild (2003-11-10 09:23:44) hmmmmmmmmm
not sure what to say, just letting you know I exist. I have an opinion...somewhere, I can¼t compete though, all those
fancy words, I¼m serious. Pfft, and I thought I was relativley intelligent, now I realize exactly how relative. Yup,
girls are strange, no doubt, but it¼s just another one of those mysteries of life. You know, we¼re meant to not
know, it¼s part of the population control, the Maker¼s way of COMPLETLEY rampant sex. This plan is slowly
falling through though, damn humans, we¼re evolving to get what we need...a good lay. Men are slowly learning
that you don¼t need to know the girl, but you need to know the routine that is set by society, in order to achieve the
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ultimate goal. Sigh, we are our own destruction...ANYWAY, enough of my arbitrary(right word?) babbling. JENGA
ANYONE?!?!
kevincarter (2003-11-10 20:06:26) Re: hmmmmmmmmm
All the fancy words are just there to mask the utter simplicity and banality of my life. (As in, ”God, I hate my life.”)
As Nick said, don¼t be intimidated. Hope to talk to you soon.
jokaswild (2003-11-10 20:10:14) Re: hmmmmmmmmm
then get on AIM dammit!!!
kevincarter (2003-11-10 21:25:08) Re: hmmmmmmmmm
I¼m getting on AIM as soon as I get home from the library tonight.
pmaguardian (2003-11-10 16:48:23)
Don¼t EVEN be intimidated by Lord Kevin. Yes... he¼s a Lord now. But seriously, he has a reputation for being a
pompous prick that truly knows absolutely nothing about the real world, and who¼s vocab is primarily derived from
Radiohead and 11th grade english. Y¼see Kev! I can use words like pompous and derived! Are you jealous? Just
kiddin buddy. You know what? You should really um... work at Norlin. Oh wait. Nevermind. Good library. Hope
to see your drunken ass up there again sometime.
kevincarter (2003-11-10 20:03:44)
”Don¼t EVEN be intimidated by Lord Kevin. Yes... he¼s a Lord now. But seriously, he has a reputation for being
a pompous prick that truly knows absolutely nothing about the real world, and who¼s vocab is primarily derived
from Radiohead and 11th grade english.” That¼s going in my AIM profile. Oh, and guess where I am right now?
Where else?
yesthatems (2003-11-10 20:37:18) Whoosh.
The only thing I can do is try to pick this up and repair ”the pain” that ”cuts a straight line down through the
heart.” I don¼t even know what I¼m talking about anymore. Neither do we, Kevin. Neither do we.
kevincarter (2003-11-10 21:24:46) Re: Whoosh.
Ems, you need to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch RIGHT NOW. Actually, before that, rent Amelie.
Then watch Hedwig. You will adore both of them and thank me later.
yesthatems (2003-11-11 11:46:05) Re: Whoosh.
You are the fourth male to recommend Hedwig to me in this week alone. I should probably see it.
pmaguardian (2003-11-10 22:56:06)
Amelie is a shitty movie. And damn it Kevin, Audrey would be very disappointed that you would even suggest seeing
her in a movie. FOR SHAME. FOR SHAME. I am the Alpha, I am the Omega, I am Darkwing Duck Nick
kevincarter (2003-11-11 00:58:03)
On everything but your signature: ... On your signature: the original is better.
1.7.8
(2003-11-11 21:30)
Watched Fricke’s film Baraka last night and was entranced. I scrambled back into my room, grabbed my
notebook, and started writing. This ”emotion recollected in tranquility” is inspired by Baraka but shouldn’t
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be seen as a strict interpretation of the movie. Instead, it’s an expression of where the film’s images took
me.
”Baraka”
The waterfall sounds like harsh music.
I don’t want to die in a box. I want to be the breath of air. Glimpses of everything:
Airport mumblings,
Sweat pouring down our foreheads,
We gaze through kaleidoscope eyes.
Custom’s dead,
Despite everything else.
Ringing a bell
Doesn’t matter; never mind.
The tragedy of the city:
Cars race by with epic propulsion.
A car passes,
You lose her
Like nothing at all.
She weaves in the darkness
Where you’ll never see.
She’s glass in this glass world.
People stop for a moment,
Now fading away.
Terra nova lies just out of touch.
And the lines form;
The tears bite.
It bothers you sometimes.
But it can’t just go away.
An assembly line
And a mistake made by time.
The terror of your heart;
The longing of mine.
How much longer can we cope?
Under the metal highway debris,
I sold you and you sold me.
Consume and gratify,
Recless and ratified.
”People just push each other
To get through.”
Deeper into
False tranquility we fall.
The pulse that beats onward
Is winding ferociously away.
198
Travelers distant
Proceed to the sound.
Millions and millions,
Chained to the sound,
Creating sound in the midst
Of those who are never there,
Who will never care.
Everything gone,
Twisted-up
Deadness of leaves,
And boxes, and sheets.
Holding each other for comfort
Was all we could do.
Blanketed coffins,
Loose organs, and moonbeams.
Dazzled apocalyptic city,
Caring for all there is.
Pushing on into
Spiritual oblivion
And the dim hammer
Of the white sky,
Despair in their eyes
And in everything.
Tightness of heart controls
Nothing. Broken
Shoes dancing on mailboxes,
Gathered in seas.
Shaken by wind, and glass,
And trees.
Distant clouds and
Bagpipes roar.
Everything here is on fire.
My feet are burning with
Desire to move and change.
A deliberate refrain.
His mind is clearer;
Hers more intricate.
There are words.
Nothing but in images.
Still young and genius,
More sad and indirect
Barbed wire glances.
This woman’s face is
Devastatingly sorrowful.
It’s teary and
A wet windshield wiper,
A rainy gas station
After a long spirng drive.
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Skeletons in the closet:
Life in the den.
Bones piled high.
(Help me again.)
Old rust is humming
Its silence: amour.
Corridor-watching
Into the storm.
Icicle fingers,
Lips that shatter,
Freezing snowflakes.
And only she matters.
Statues’ eyes blaze,
An eartful murmur;
A visage away from its body.
Electric-lined doorways,
Airways that speak.
Abandoned pharaohs,
Drinking their wine
At the hour of death.
”Look upon my works,
Ye mighty,
And despair!”
Narrow pathways and
Xanadu desertion
Are all that remain.
Instead, be virginal, natural.
Live and grow, precious things.
Never let your requiem be played.
Tie your hands to the sun.
Let the river rinse your tired feet.
Sun-baked beaches of torn sand
Mixed with yesterday’s rain.
I’m wishing to capture
Yesterday’s rain,
Carry it in a jar
And kiss it softly.
Tin-covered violets,
Restless and worn.
Lighthoused eyes.
Our lives have sworn
Nothing but paradise,
Pleasure, and peace.
Despite all our longing,
It will all cease,
Antique and dusty,
Flawless and frail.
Death-travelled fingers,
But no one can tell.
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Waves of clouds
Over devastating sunset.
The blue of the fields.
A brilliant bellringer
Whispers to tulips,
Delights in their smell.
Haloes encircle their
Heads, turned skyward.
Dances of the self.
My peace is through weakness,
And the dance
Shivers my body,
Arrests my helpless bones,
And restores my old longing.
My only voice is her.
Smiling through my window,
Magic through the storm.
Awoken to delight
By the music of the night.
Love issues forward,
Solving wayward glances,
Making the beautiful
Know for certain that they are beautiful.
Life is the same
In an inchoate way.
It expresses the feelings
Of thoughts that have passed.
And the man meditating,
At one with it all
Knows deeper:
He is one with it all.
A childlike blindness
Of infinite sea
Erases the tension
Between you and me.
Flashes of light
Touch the sky in deep faith.
Brushes wash over the mountains.
Skylines bow to the majesty,
Their shadows displaying
Their deference to the holiness
Of one soul,
Over-soul,
Swiftly through our minds;
Faster and faster,
Our memories unwind.
Ghosts fly over the shady tree.
Boundless stars and universe.
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Dark you fall,
But light you live.
and
If he fell in love right now, already being in love with everything, he couldn’t make it. So he hugged her
with one arm, because he was afraid of being dragged into her vortex: the cobwebs of her eyes. Too many
bittersweet embraces had already passed him by. She told him not to kiss her, because she loved him. He
understood and turned away. If feeling the warmth of her body for a few ephemeral, transient moments was
too much, he thought, he would never escape her lips’ addictive allure. These were the lips that haunted
men on their deathbeds. He confessed the jazz, the burning, the longing. She told him the same thing. He
lit a cigarette on that late, late Sunday night. Each of them took a long puff off of it, celestially tasting each
other’s lips on the tip of the smouldering cigarette.
pmaguardian (2003-11-12 13:04:32)
In the eternal words of Mike Riley... I¼m gonna go Baraka on yo¼ ass! Although I¼m sure your little film noire or
whatever the hell is was, was NOT about a bald sharp toothed freak with blades coming out of his wrists. But hey,
who knows? I am the Alpha, I am the Omega, I am Batman Nick
kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:50:18)
I really need to meet this Mike Riley kid. ...or maybe I don¼t. And film noir? It would be awesome if I actually
watched it, but regrettably, I don¼t. Any good recommendations?
groupie supreme (2003-11-12 15:56:08)
Wonderful. You should scan pages of your notebook some time, even if it¼s near illegible. A person¼s handwriting
says so much.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:51:27)
Handwriting analysis has always been very interesting to me, but I¼ve never really read up on it. I¼ll definitely
try to scan some notebook pages when/if I go home this weekend. And thanks.
plastichope (2003-11-12 16:29:18)
sometimes babble can be good. it can mean so much more then fluent sentences. i like the second story too. made
me really want a cigarette though. - -;
kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:52:40)
There¼s something horribly romantic about smoking cigarettes. I¼m not interested in it, because of the physical
addiction, but it¼s still fun to write about. ”Cigarettes and chocolate milk,” as Rufus Wainwright would say.
plastichope (2003-11-20 15:29:37)
i completely agree. i looove that Rufus song! :D
justlikelarry (2003-11-15 21:39:11)
hey, my name¼s lynn. i saw you added me, so i¼m adding you back. :)
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kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:53:22)
Hey, Lynn. Nice to meet you.
1.7.9
A road trip. (2003-11-16 20:00)
You see,
I have this–
I feel this
Great, great pressure
Falling down on me,
Crushing me.
–Jason Slocumb, in Igby Goes Down
This pressure, over the last few weeks, has been bearing down on me. Perhaps not to the extent
that it does to others, perhaps an equal amount, or perhaps more. I can only hope for others that what I
have been feeling is extraordinary and completely out of the rest of human experience, but I highly doubt
that. I felt like a Prufrock, an Ethan Frome, un étranger, a Kerouac wandering in the darkness on the road,
crying out, ”Oh where is the girl I love?” and looking ”everywhere in the little world below.”
Everything was dark for a while, and the waters were above my head. I was trying to breathe, but
only water was flooding my lungs. Frantic, I did the one thing I knew I could. Erase the lame, overdone,
tired escapism of television and video games and the whole mass of desperation and do something about it.
Do some real escaping. Escape them, for a change. Experience the lion for real, the road for its truth, the
books for their pages, the truck stops for their charm. Things haven’t been genuine for a long time, and I
wanted to climb inside the genuineness of everything, kiss the wind full on the lips, and even feel the wind
for once. See the cloudbursts and jagged mountains that surround me everyday and go unseen. The sparkle
of the snow, torrential waters from the sky, and the taillights of the Buddhist truck driver in front of you
that’s driving so slow because he’s wholly absorbed by the oneness of all around him and nothing else.
Drive, drive, drive
.Down these roads.
–Jason Spidle, [1]”These Roads”
Complacency was sinking into me at the same time as absolute distaste for everything around me. I
was both unconcerned about changing things in the world, while at the same time hating them. (It’s not
a good place to be, and I would highly advise you to avoid it, if possible.) Everything was a massive
contradiction. I had dreams about suicide when I wasn’t suicidal. Everything was hazy and blurry, a restless
portrait of everything that I had no interest in being. I want to be cognizant of everything, and a few days
ago, I was cognizant of nothing. It was a cycle of missing classes, ignored assignments, novels in front of me
sitting unread, forgetting the equation for finding a vertical asymptote. (Even now, I can’t remember that.
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-2b/a?)
I knew what I had to do. It was time. Immediately, I recognized this feeling in others too. I felt
like they might need the same thing that I did: adventure. A return to cowboys with their warm drawls
flooding bars, towns full of gossips that were taking it easy for the night, feeling a shot of Southern Comfort
burn as it swims down their throats. The kind of people that make me want to drop out of this school
with teachers that are obsessed with Anthony Trollope and go write about the world around me. So many
important things need to be said, and I feel like sometimes I haven’t said anything.
I was locked
Into being my mother’s daughter.
Yeah, I was just eating bread and water,
Thinking, ”Nothing every changes.”
And I was shocked
To see the mistakes of
Each generation
Will just fade like a radio station,
When you drive.
You’ve just gotta drive out of range.
–Ani Difranco, ”Out of Range”
I tried not to let anything whatsoever stop our embarkation, regardless of what it was. The first
difficulty was getting a car, which was reasonably difficult. My mom, after [2]my brother’s recent (and
thankfully, non-serious) car accident, was extremely hesitant about letting us go anywhere. Thankfully,
my dad let me borrow his car after a bit of pandering to his recent love of spontaneity and escaping the
mundane. (”We just want to escape the cyclical pattern that life can ensnare us in” and things of the sort.)
Thankfully, the pandering approach was effective, and we had our car. (But more on that later.) We didn’t
want to be stopped by the weather, what time we were leaving, money, or anything. And, even though we
didn’t reach our semi-planned destination, I don’t think we were stopped.
[3]Brandon and I took off at about 7:30 PM on Friday from the Colorado School of Mines, on our
way to... well... we weren’t exactly sure quite where. One of the proposed plans was to go down to the
Four Corners, so we decided to do that. Here’s the best part: there was no itinerary. It was driving to
anywhere we wanted to go. Gunning down a straight road at 100 mph, we were off. (Notwithstanding
worries in my mind about whether the police were around and calculating in my head how much my ticket
would be for: roughly $350 and an almost certain seizure of my driver’s license.) Brandon and I had a
really good conversation about so many different things, and it was because we finally felt like we had time
to sit down and talk about things. It was really great, although he was forced into the quite unfortunate
position of having to psychoanalyze me and my horribly depressing ramblings. (”I don’t know what I’m
living for,” ”Everything seems empty right now,” etc. I’m extremely grateful to him for helping me realize
that, while I’m different than other people, I’m not insane. Thanks, Brandon.) We drove down Highway
285, stopping periodically to get gas, stretch, and admire everything around us. We got out of the car on
the ”soft shoulder” to take in the beauty of the mist that wafted through the night air. After a while, and a
few of my several impatient requests to stop, we ate at a truck stop at around 11:30. There, I continued my
whining session and we had a gigantic cinnamon roll (me) and chili cheese fries (Brandon). At this point,
my depression was curbed almost completely. We started rolling down the highway again. Even the sky
204
seemed brighter; the moon, in her glory, wanted to help us go wherever we were going.
Our troubles started here, but I don’t want to talk about them too much, because they’re not nearly as
important as what I got out of the journey on the whole. The car started leaking antifreeze, which was no
picnic while sitting at a rest stop at around 1:30 AM, waiting for the engine to revert back to its normal
temperature. After realizing that gas stations would no longer be open to sell us more antifreeze, we decided
to camp out in cold Southern Colorado, by South Fork. We tried to get a few hours of sleep, only succeeded
in getting about two, and then froze for a little while. Because we weren’t in the mood to spend a money
on a hotel, we brought a tent. There was a problem with the tent idea, though: there were a few inches of
snow on the ground. We resolved to spend the night in the car.
A little town in Pennsylvania:
There was snow on the ground.
I parked in an empty lot,
Where there was no one else around.
–Ani, ”Every State Line”
It was probably the coldest I’ve ever been in my life. Brandon and I were extremely unprepared,
with only one glove between us, t-shirts under our jackets, and thin jeans. Tossing and turning in a car
that’s rapidly accumulating frost on the INSIDE of the car was not the greatest hour and a half of my life.
My only solace (as I wrote in the rest stop’s guestbook) was their heated bathroom. Basically, the place
was heavenly. I brought in a copy of On the Road and a notebook and sat there reading for a few hours. At
that point, we headed over to Del Norte’s gas station to buy some antifreeze. There, we found the problem:
there was a leak. It was there that we decided, for the sake of the borrowed car, that we should head back.
Well, Brandon decided that, and I went along with it, because I knew it was much smarter than what I
wanted to do, which was go the next two hours to the Four Corners. We called an auto mechanic while
we were in South Park, the now infamous town outside of Fairplay. A man came by, charged us $35, and
basically told us that we’d be fine getting back. He did escort us all the way back to Bailey, which was
really nice of him. We drove back, still happy that I dropped Brandon off at Mines, returned the car to my
dad, and slept for an eternity, dreaming of still unexplored roads.
The trip was not, as I called it yesterday, a disaster. It was a beautiful journey, really, and I hope
it’s only the beginning of doing things like this. I’m sorry that the car acted up, but not sorry for any of the
experiences I had. At long last, I get to press the ”Post entry” button!
1. http://www.livejournal.com/users/panoptican/31473.html#cutid1
2. http://www.livejournal.com/users/sionater
3. http://www.livejournal.com/users/prometheus911
mycalliope (2003-11-16 21:22:39)
i want to go on a road trip!!
kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:54:05)
Trust me. Going on one doesn¼t cut down your desire to go on another one.
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prometheus911 (2003-11-16 22:05:05) Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
What Tyler had created was the shadow of a giant hand. Only now the fingers were Nosferatu-long and the thumb
was too short, but he said how at exactly four-thirty the hand was perfect. The giant shadow hand was perfect for
one minute, and for one perfect minute Tyler had sat in the palm of a perfection he¼d created himself. One minute
was enough, Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment
was the most you could ever expect from perfection.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:54:32) Re: Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
Excellent quote. Live for the moments of perfection.
wynand (2003-11-16 22:23:17)
”The kind of people that make me want to drop out of this school with teachers that are obsessed with Anthony
Trollope and go write about the world around me.” Yeah, fuck Trollope! But more substantially: this is a great entry,
sounds like a great moment in life. Things like this make life better, certainly made my evening more enjoyable.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:56:32)
Honestly. My ”Victorianist” professor drives me up the wall sometimes. She starts into these rants about 19th century
criminology that are horribly boring and irrelevant. And it was definitely a great moment in life; it¼s just a matter
of having more of those moments.
belle27 (2003-11-17 15:13:07)
I love road trips!! ON the last one I took my friend and I made it to the beach at five am and cracked open a bottle
of wine and just sat and drank and waited for the sun to come up, it was great.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:57:45)
Wine tastes so much better than beer. I can understand the pure joy of it as a drink, but I can only imagine drinking
beer for the mere purpose of getting drunk. Probably because I¼ve never had really good beer.
panoptican (2003-11-17 16:17:46)
The best road trips are undefined. I try to take one once a month. Sometimes alone, sometimes not. I¼m glad to
hear that you didn¼t allow logistical problems to mar the trip. Were in the same boat, and it does have a destination.
Idealism is a tough thought to carry, it lends an emptiness to everything. But things are changing, you¼ll see... were
on the brink of something incredible. And with that, I¼m done preaching.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 10:58:47)
Were you out on the road when you wrote the poem I quoted in this post? Just curious. I thought it was absolutely
fantastic, by the way. I know that we¼re about to break through, and I can¼t wait to see what¼s in store.
panoptican (2003-11-21 00:12:13)
I did. But then, I¼m on the road a lot (if not road trips at least long drives).
1.7.10
(2003-11-16 20:19)
Almost everywhere I move,
And everywhere I think;
Any time I lose myself,
My mind is on the blink,
And I pretend
206
That the sky right now is blue,
And it’s all because of you.
And here I stand,
Writing songs,
Rhyming endless words that I can’t stand.
And I can’t stand.
These roses that I held for you
Of poems black on white and blue
Their leaves are falling, haunting on the ground.
The trees are shaven in the sun;
The words are out and she’s the only one
Dancing there.
And nature’s loving in the night;
The world is spinning round and round.
These images in black and white
Cannot transmit what I once held in sight,
And she’s still standing there.
And I can’t stand.
And I can’t stand you dreaming there.
I can’t stand.
jokaswild (2003-11-17 06:01:23) *ring, ring*
Hello? old lady from Titanic?....YOU STINK (tee hee hee)
kevincarter (2003-11-18 14:04:51) Re: *ring, ring*
WTF? ˆˆ ... I hate my life.
plastichope (2003-11-17 14:42:02)
beautiful. almost flows like lyrics. <3
kevincarter (2003-11-18 14:07:44)
Thanks, Chelly. That¼s really what I had in mind with the piece, so I¼m glad I communicated it. Kind of a
Beatles-esque melody goes with it. In fact, I¼m pretty sure it¼s ripped off from the Beatles, but I can¼t remember
which song. Most of my songs end up that way. Ah well. I¼m destined to a life of plagiarism.
plastichope (2003-11-18 19:58:01)
don¼t worry, i¼m prone to doing that to a song i¼ve listened to or am listening to. i think it just happens, but
sometimes you need a little help with insperation to really make something intresting. :)
secret tears (2003-11-18 07:41:13)
its fantasic, flows amazingly. i loved it.
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kevincarter (2003-11-18 14:11:29)
Thank you! I¼ve been meeting to tell you that your poems also flow wonderfully. You¼re writing in ”the language
of real men,” which the Romantics continually tried to achieve. This is a Great Thing. Can¼t wait to see the rest
of your writing. :)
1.7.11
”A Whirlwind Romance” (2003-11-18 14:40)
The invisible, brutally lovely wind rips the leaves from the branches before my eyes. For a moment, I can’t
believe that I have, yet again, fallen under the spell of such a harsh lover. But even now, while the leaves
are being forced to the ground to be casually crushed by cars and children, there is beauty in her. I close my
eyes, and instantly, I am drunk on her intensity. This seduction is so different from any other. She playfully
lifts up the tails of my winter coat, whispering sweet nothing into my ear. These words are secrets between
us. She tells a winding, lilting story about blowing a man’s hat off earlier today, and I chuckle and nod,
observing her soft grace all the while. Her breath blows upon my neck, and I shiver. All I can do is open
my arms wide, full of adoration for her. I feel content. Her kisses touch the tips of the hair on my arms.
She is majestic. Poets’ songs of wind begin swooping into my head. Kansas’ ”Lonely Wind,” warming and
expressing the earthly beauty that was gone when, in desperation, they wrote ”Dust in the Wind.” Oh, it’s
breathlessly lovely... Cry for me; sigh for me! Sad, my breezes blow! Her voice echoes over the field, from
past the trees, through the cavernous mystery of the flatirons.
Now, my head gazes upwards, and the wind kisses my lips sorrowfully, in a melancholy fervor, trying to
hang onto this moment, making me her devotee. And I am, but all I can do is sing this song and weave these
words, letting her know that I can’t be swept away forever by her voice. Now, I need to project the beauty
of not only her, but every other beautiful thing in this world to anyone who will listen. This is the way these
things must go. Wordsworth couldn’t climb up above Tintern Abbey each day; he would have loved to, but
the Wind – as he would have called her – would have become ordinary to him. It would be cold coffeestains
on his newspaper and her across the table, a wedding ring on her finger and a dejected look in her eye as
she ate her cereal, wan and full of dread. No, a whirlwind romance was best for both of us, just as it was for
him and his mistress. She blows me one last kiss that I savor on my lips, and I sing.
When I’m needin’ a friend,
I’ll remember the wind,
And my life here with the breezes of sorrow.
I’ll be leaving him soon,
’Cause I’ve got to make room
For the lonely that will find him tomorrow.
On a black stormy night,
In your bosom, I’ll cling,
And I’ll know I’ve found love,
And the last song we’ll sing.
Feeling her dark eyes on me, though, I know I haven’t found love, and I secretly dread that black stormy
night. We weave through the trees on another joyous night spent together.
mycalliope (2003-11-18 13:48:17)
do you still want to get coffee/borrow my notes today?
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kevincarter (2003-11-18 13:51:25)
Definitely. At 4, I have to go to an advising meeting until 5, but I¼ll give you a call right after that.
mycalliope (2003-11-18 13:54:01)
ok :-)
groupie supreme (2003-11-18 15:52:07)
Mm. That second-to-last line is particularly powerful.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:01:26)
Thanks, Alisha. It kind of sums up my simultaneous fear and longing for love, that anxious feeling that leaves you
wondering whether you were ever meant to love or be loved. Emo kids unite.
1.7.12
(2003-11-18 14:59)
Haha... shit. I’m destined for an eventual career as a romance novelist. Ready or not, Harlequin, here I
come.
I’ve just been chilling out up here, completely. Sleeping a lot, reading a lot, and going to class, which
is a profound (and very good) change. Things are generally going well. I have stuff to do, as always, but it’s
not really necessary stuff. Like, my professor assigned the entire AP English curriculum as the material for
our class. So, I’m supposed to be reading Heart of Darkness and Frankenstein right now. Do you see my
dilemma? Of course, I should read them again, but I probably won’t.
I want to start making art, but I don’t know how to draw. I’ve had the crazy idea of signing up for a
Fine Arts class tonight if I can get in. I won’t be able to get into anything at all, though, so it won’t be a
big deal.
I’m reading Anne Fadiman’s The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down for Asian-American Studies. Right
now, I have a negative opinion about both traditional Hmong culture and the way they were treated because
of this culture, so I need to get into the book a lot more. She writes very good, very readable prose, so it’ll
be enjoyable. Besides, I enjoy different cultural customs, so exploring those will be awesome. Meanwhile,
Paradise Lost and the overdue Iliad sit almost unread on my desk. Ugh.
I would like to announce that the FYAD-esque [1]image macros on Livejournal are going to stop, as of
now. But I still don’t think that pun got nearly enough love. Just watch; this post is going to get more
comments than any of the ones I really care about. I love you people.
I love my Oxford Essential Thesaurus more than most people that I know casually. Is this a good thing or
a bad thing? Talk amongst yourselves.
Not having class puts me in a really, really good mood. I’m excited to register tonight, too. Hopefully,
I can get into a Literary Theory class and a non-8:00 AM Spanish class. We’ll see what happens. My
electives have been good for me this semester, but I need to take an Intro to Philosophy course like no one’s
buisness.
I don’t really know what to write now, other than I’m kind of upset that early adopters don’t get phone post
privileges. ”Whine, whine, bitch, bitch, I’m moving to DeadJournal/Xanga/etc.” This service is probably
209
the most well-maintained that I’ve seen online, so I shouldn’t complain a bit. I just think it’s a neat feature.
I’m considering deleting this entry because of its idiocy. We’ll wait and see.
1. http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-11/493016/rabbits!.jpg
yesthatems (2003-11-18 14:24:14) Robots
Don¼t delete this - it (meaning the post. Hail antecedents) is a healthy reminder that you¼re just the same as the
rest of us humans who post pathetic randomness in our journals. Cough cough.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:11:10) Re: Robots
I¼m keeping with your advice, and it¼s staying up. So, you¼re in the market for more pathetic randomness? I think I can probably deliver.
flicker (2003-11-18 15:10:50)
I don¼t think many people really need to read Heart of Darkness twice. Also, transcribing messages is my
new favorite hobby for other people, just past ”handing out cash on the street.” Thanks.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:14:33)
A student-teacher that I had for theater during junior year sympathized with my struggle to get through Conrad the
first time, but he advised me to read him again further down the road, just for his beautiful imagery and skill with
the language. I don¼t think I got much out of it the first time, so I want to read him again eventually. And no
problem on transcribing your phone post. I love doing that. It gives me a feel for the rhythm of dialogue. Some of
the most interesting parts of Visions of Cody, to me, were transcripts of conversations that Neal Cassady
and Kerouac had. In all actuality, you were providing me with some geeky fun, so I should thank you.
pugofwar (2003-11-18 15:46:39)
Advice from EF, the PUG OF WAR Don¼t read Heart of Darkness or Frankenstein. INSTEAD... Go to Video Station and rent Army of Darkness and Young Einstein. ”What
will that prove?” asks Kevin Carter. Nothing whatsoever. I just think a shot o¼ Bruce Campbell followed
by a dram of Yahoo Serious will do wonders for your health.
mystae (2003-11-18 21:06:21)
I have to agree here. Fiddling with different weapons to determine which is the best at dismembering zombies is
good for the health.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:16:28)
What about Young Frankenstein, though? A Mel Brooks film a day keeps the doctor away. I don¼t have
a VCR or DVD player, either, which is very frustrating. Maybe I¼ll try to get them pirated. (So far, I have followed
your advice and haven¼t picked up either of the books. It¼s working wonders so far.)
groupie supreme (2003-11-18 15:54:28)
Just watch; this post is going to get more comments than any of the ones I really care about. Unfair. You
stuck a typo in this entry just so I would fall for that ˆ. But at least I¼ll let you find it on your own.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:17:11)
Found and fixed (unless I missed another one). Spelling snobs make the world go ¼round.
210
pipster uwyo (2003-11-18 18:47:42) You sound reasonable...
...Time to up the medication. Don¼t delete this post. I can actually understand most of what you¼re talking
about here. Don¼t read Heart of Darkness. Burn it. If you enjoy exploring different cultural customs, I
would recommend a cultural anthropology class. Although, I would not recommend my cultural
anthropology class. I have a feeling that the professor¼s inability to actually teach would drive you up the wall.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:19:33) Re: You sound reasonable...
Ha... I guess this post was a little more intelligible than most of mine have been as of late. I really want to get
into Physical Anthro for my Natural Sciences credit. Either that or Astronomy. Your thoughts? Also, I have FOUR
copies of HoD, since I bought a few just for the literary criticism in them, at the eleventh hour of the due
date for Pera¼s research paper. Now, if only I knew four people that would actually want a copy of that
book...
pipster uwyo (2003-11-20 11:45:02) Re: You sound reasonable...
Well, unless you¼re into studying evolution and prehistory, I wouldn¼t recommend Physical Anthro. That¼s
pretty much all it consists of. Evolution and how people use resources. It¼ll be a lot about monkeys and our
similarities. There would probably be a lot of biology involved in a course like that. If you want to look into it, this
is a good site (one I use frequently to study for tests): http://www.wadsworth.com/anthropology d/ Personally, I
would go with Astronomy for a Natural Science credit...wait. I did go with Astronomy for a Natural Science credit.
A nice survey (overview) course shouldn¼t have too much math, since I know math¼s your nemesis. Basically,
if you can divide and multiply numbers, the math shouldn¼t give you any trouble. Not to mention that learning
about the universe is mind-blowing. Obviously, my advice is a little biased. But I would still recommend Astronomy,
and if you ever needed help, you know where to find me.
wake up donnie (2003-11-18 20:50:20) I agree
I¼m not one for burning books, but everything we read in AP English 11 except for Frankenstein(Heart of Darkness,
Cry the Beloved Country, and Things Fall Apart) should do the world a favor and simply jump into an open flame.
Stupid Joseph Conrad 87 pages, 3 paragraphs: Doesn¼t work. Damn you Kurtz.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:21:07) Re: I agree
Cry the Beloved and Things Fall Apart are both spectacular, I think. Both of the books are
written in an unconventional style, but they¼re both beautiful and make their points in a strong yet somewhat
subtle fashion. I agree, though, that it¼s difficult for the modern reader to handle extremely long paragraphs.
airik (2003-11-18 22:54:59)
i would love for you to FYAD-esque my livejournal...ya know spice it up a bit
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:21:19)
We¼ll see what we can do.
bileograph (2003-11-19 05:36:04)
Incidentally, i was just telling Flicker how creepily real your phone post transcription was.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:21:53)
Creepily real? Hopefully, that¼s a good thing. As I was telling flicker, I love transcribing things. There is no end to
my nerdiness.
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1.7.13
(2003-11-19 02:04)
[1]My spring schedule.
1.
http://bitman.freeshell.org/schedulebuilder.php?title=Spring+2004+Semester&events=MWF+12%3A00-12%3A50+PM+
ENGL+1191+-+Introduction+to+Creative+Writing%0D%0ATTh+2%3A00-2%3A50+PM+ENGL+2010+-+Introduction+to+Literary+
Theory%0D%0AF+1%3A00-1%3A50+PM+Literary+Theory+Recitation%0D%0AMWF+10%3A00-10%3A50+PM+PHIL+1000+-+
Introduction+to+Philosophy%0D%0AMTWThF+11%3A00-11%3A50+AM+SPAN+1020+-+Beginning+Spanish+2&sln=&quarter=
AUT&year=2003&finalize=true&grid=true
bileograph (2003-11-19 05:30:08)
Theory Recitation! That sounds vaguely EVIL somehow
mycalliope (2003-11-19 09:55:00)
i know mine is, but that¼s because its at eight in the morning. ha ha kevin, you get to hear me complain about it
yet again!
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:24:52)
It¼s so close to being over... just a few more weeks! Stick it out.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:24:32)
I can picture fifteen drones, repeating the precious words of Derrida over and over again. ”I will speak therefore of a
letter of the first letter if the alphabet and most of the speculations...” Scary.
whitcomb (2003-11-19 12:00:34)
Ooh. I¼m damn jealous.
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:25:09)
I¼m jealous of next semester¼s schedule already.
1.7.14
(2003-11-19 11:26)
Love is all, oh my soul. You’re my playground love. Love could stay, if I changed my way. Lonely long
days would depart. This is another phase, a starward gaze. Time for another broken heart. But on the
merry-go-round, we hung on tight. Our feet shook the smoke from the pebbly ground. We were layered
with leaves. And now, the grass is ugly and uncut. Hazy; I can’t remember what you used to be, and life
rushes over me. Dipped in the light, eighteen and three months. You’re getting much older, and it’s getting
much colder in the night. Love is ruthless and cold, and it’s strange, and it’s bold. And I wanted to write
you tonight in the snow. Long, Wolfean letters telling you about the places I have been since I lost you and
you lost me. But it was too dark, and my handwriting would have looked like scribbles to you, illegible but
still telling you everything that I felt. And I didn’t want to tell you everything, and I don’t even know your
address. So I didn’t write you a letter, but I dreamed about you. In those hours of sleep that I can never
quite recall, I’m sure I dreamed about your face, and it gave me enough comfort to withstand the nightmares
to come. Otherwise, I would have broke down crying on my bed, wiping my face with my pillow, imploring
in a whisper for someone to hold me, to stop these dreams and to help me begin a new one. And you’re gone,
and I don’t know how I can recover. It’s not you, of course, and if we met now, you’d know that. It’s the
feelings you evoke in me: nostalgia and regret. Now, all I can do is savor the feelings you gave me, holding
onto them like sand that’s leaking from an hourglass.
212
plastichope (2003-11-19 15:19:21)
sigh. you really do have a beautiful mind.
prometheus911 (2003-11-19 20:20:04)
A Beautiful Mind? Like the movie with Russel Crow?! Dude, are you crazy like him Kevin?! You should be. Then
you could join us conspiracy nuts!!!
plastichope (2003-11-19 20:42:34)
do i get a badge? if so, count me in! ;)
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:26:20)
Of course I¼m crazy. And I¼m already a conspiracy nut. I thought you knew...
kevincarter (2003-11-20 11:25:34)
What a great compliment. Thank you.
maisnolemot (2003-11-21 20:36:12) mm :d
tis like sweet candy for me brain **said in horribly done irish accent** le sigh, thats good; goes with the ed harcourt
im listening to too hehe what timing....
kevincarter (2003-11-24 07:58:36) Re: mm :d
Thanks a lot. Even compliments done in horrible Irish accents are worthwhile. :) And I¼ve been meaning to listen
to Ed Harcourt after hearing him compared to Rufus Wainwright and Elliott Smith. Would you recommend him?
maisnolemot (2003-11-24 22:55:39) Re: mm :d
hmm... i duno what rufus rainwright sounds like, but yes ed harcourt is great stuff. i dont really know much about
him though but what ive heard i liked, somewhat comparable to elliot smith, although elliot smith i think is kinda
different.
1.7.15
Just writing away. (2003-11-19 12:24)
You took me to your library
And kissed me in the stacks.
–The Magnetic Fields, ”Swinging London”
Is there a better place to kiss someone you love than in the musky, lonely stacks of the library when no
one is around? Of course not. The low buzz of the heater during the winter time fogs up the windows, assuring you privacy. Besides, shocking bookworms by rolling out into the aisle could really be quite a pastime.
And, for the more serious and dignified lovers, think of the vast knowledge included up there. Reading each
other your favorite Neruda poems, singing the body electric with that lonely old grubber, and maybe even
grabbing a copy of the Kama Sutra for those nights when you avoid the guards and sleep there after closing,
only to wake up to an owl-eyed librarian staring haughtily down on you the next morning.
Yes, I know I’m a nerd.
mystae (2003-11-19 11:39:16)
A nerd, maybe, but a fun thought. Kissing in the fiction section. *smile*
213
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:07:13)
I¼ll fully admit my nerdiness, because I¼ve realized at this point that there¼s absolutely no way to hide it. Kissing
in the fiction section itself might be a little bit risky, though, because there are a lot of people that go in and out of
there. Personally, I¼d prefer some privacy. Of course, one would still have to run up to the fiction section to grab
books, but the kissing should be saved for later. Maybe in the science stacks... scientists would probably mind their
own business if they saw lewd acts of passion going on. The worst they could do is want to research you for some
weird biology project. I don¼t even know what I¼m talking about anymore. :)
justlikelarry (2003-11-19 13:24:46)
i totally want to kiss someone in a library now.
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:08:38)
The nerdiness is contagious. Watch out.
obsidion knight (2003-11-19 14:00:05)
... this reminds me of the story my suite mate told me. closing the library, he goes around to all the study rooms,
telling people to leave. the last one he comes to he hears noises inside, sees through the fogged window two people
connected at the waists. my friend knocks, the people inside freak out, a few mins later, the two come out of the room
disheveled, the girl very imbarrassed... twas a good story.
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:09:18)
Wait. There are girls at Mines? Sorry, Jeremy. :-*
plastichope (2003-11-19 15:13:39)
wow. very hot idea. now i feel the need to do that. >:p
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:17:47)
Unfortunately, most bookworms are stereotypically the unromantic, prudish types. Finding a warm-blooded reader
has become my new life goal.
whiskeydick (2003-11-21 18:36:16)
Everytime I sit in a chair in Norlin, I wonder if someone beat off there.
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:13:20)
Chances are that those little cubicle things are havens for masturbation. DH Lawrence is just a quick jaunt away, up
on floor 3C. Those things are so dirty. It¼s awful, because I always end up sitting in a filthy one because the rest
are taken. I¼m willing to endure some squalor for the sake of a place to sit.
maisnolemot (2003-11-21 20:39:29) *cough*pervy hobbit fanciers*cough*
haha i have actualy thought of doing that before strangely enough... O.o but of course i would never do so the thought
is rather fun though, especially in the back of say.. the denver public where its all lonelies and stuff
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:16:32) Re: *cough*pervy hobbit fanciers*cough*
Haha. I don¼t buy your little innocence act, especially since you¼ve already considered what the best libraries are
for the deed. You can¼t fool me.
maisnolemot (2003-11-24 22:50:21) Re: *cough*pervy hobbit fanciers*cough*
hehe....
214
imperialviolets (2003-11-25 10:37:49)
Haha been there, done that Seriously it is aweomse- more in solitude (with out other readers)...Even if he does only
allow you one kiss because hes more interested in Dicken¼s than you (one could only guess that this is wynand)
1.7.16
”I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.” (2003-11-23 16:47)
Heartache avenues of surrender
Travel in every direction
Except northeast.
Now, in the snow, I think it’s June.
I dream we kiss upon the moon.
I see stars in your eyes
And stars in the skies.
I reach to touch your gentle hair
And sigh when there is no one there.
(Rhyming seemed older
And so much colder
When all I wrote was lies.
But I’m sincere,
And things are clear.
I look up to the skies.)
To match the stars,
Your dress is Mars.
My eyes are Pluto’s blue.
I kiss your lips,
Your neck, your hips.
I can’t not think of you.
When everything should be dead,
In this frozen winter,
It’s just coming to life.
Is it snowing there too?
”Everything is just beginning.”
A scribble in my notebook
From a few days ago.
And I think it is.
plastichope (2003-11-23 16:14:40)
those are really good. i especially like the last one. :)
215
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:23:51)
Thanks a lot. Starry nights tend to give me dreams outside of earth, and I¼m eternally grateful for that.
prometheus911 (2003-11-23 17:43:08)
That was nice
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:24:25)
Thanks, Brandon. And, see, I¼m updating quite a bit! Okay, I¼m not. But I will be soon, and they won¼t all be
poetry posts.
pipster uwyo (2003-11-23 18:25:35)
”I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.” Funny story. Yesterday, as we were saying ”good-bye” to Valerie
and Savannah, my friend Stacy went outside, in 7 degree blizzard conditions, wearing nothing but flip-flops and a
bathrobe. And she wondered why she was cold. Just thought you ought to know...
kevincarter (2003-11-24 08:26:08)
Haha... that¼s ridiculous. People just don¼t get it, sometimes. And the title of the post is a lyric from a song by
The Shins called ”Caring is Creepy” off of the Oh, Inverted World album. Highly, highly recommended.
skylar82 (2003-11-24 10:11:41)
did you see the shins at the fox?
kevincarter (2003-11-24 11:03:33)
Unfortunately, no. I¼m just starting to listen to them and haven¼t even heard the new album yet. But, all the
same, I regret not seeing them live, even if I didn¼t know every note of the music. I heard it was an awesome
show, though.
pugofwar (2003-11-24 11:53:11)
The show was astounding. I rocked out to the max. <lj user=”belle27”> went with me. She rocked out, too.
There were no survivors.
1.7.17
(2003-11-25 22:38)
My space bar doesn’t work, which is why you aren’t seeing a real update today. What a pity. (And, yes, I’m
manually pressing the mechanism that the key normally pushes. Oh, no, it’s not irritating at all.) Sometimes,
I think the Luddites were really on to something.
That happened to me, with my ¼E¼ key, but it wouldn¼t work at all. Let me tell you how fun it is to try to word
things in a way that makes sense without using E¼s!
mokeyonwheels (2004-03-07 13:38:01) [amused]
<center>Mine works, but barely. It randomly puts in spaces everywhere. So, I have to copy and paste
everything on word to remove the erroneous spaces. Bah. Do you know how much of my time I waste this way? (By
the way, totally just c &ped this into word!)
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1.7.18
(2003-11-28 18:59)
Okay, I’m so overdue for an update that it’s not even funny, so I’m going to do a quick overview of stuff I
did this week.
-Caught up on homework that has been neglected for far too long.
-Listened to music excessively, including early Tom Waits and (quite shamefully) Bright Eyes.
-Established deep-rooted metaphysical connections with magical people.
-Enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Tonight, I’ll probably write a 10,000 word essay on everything that I’ve mentioned and many more things,
but if you don’t want to read it, this is all you really need to know.
Oh, and for the record, I’m disappointed that I’m not at Adam’s house watching Penny run frantically
around the house dressed like a turkey. Thanks a million. :-*
groupie supreme (2003-11-28 19:31:47)
Bright Eyes? Bright Eyes??? Kevin, I¼m disappointed.
kevincarter (2003-11-29 00:22:36)
As well you should be. At least it wasn¼t Dashboard, Alisha.
mycalliope (2003-11-29 00:52:48)
any particular tom waits?
kevincarter (2003-11-29 01:06:29)
The early stuff, where he doesn¼t sound like he¼s coughing up a lung whenever he sings. Closing Time,
to be a bit more precise. I love eccentric voices, but sometimes, later Waits stuff just doesn¼t do it for me.
mycalliope (2003-11-29 01:11:52)
do you have mule variations? that is my favorite. makes me so sad, but i love it.
kevincarter (2003-11-30 21:26:14)
Unfortunately, no. But I heard some of his material at about the same time it came out, and it didn¼t really do
it for me. Kind of like Leonard Cohen: works better as poetry than as music. To be fair, though, I didn¼t really
give it a lot of listening time. I¼m sure, though, that with his lyricism, there¼s a lot of his music that¼s really
amazing. I¼ll definitely try giving Mule Variations a listen.
mycalliope (2003-11-30 23:25:30)
i think i have an extra burned copy of it lying around. if i find it i¼ll bring it to you on wednesday.
obsidion knight (2003-11-30 20:55:57)
Hey Kevin, I talked a friend of mine into getting LJ and I was wondering if I could give them one of your codes? :-*
I hope that¼s not violating anyting.
kevincarter (2003-11-30 21:22:09)
Just e-mailed the code. Sometimes, I¼m not too fond of the fact that Livejournal controls the user base so vigilantly,
but I guess it¼s not my bandwidth.
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jessocat (2003-12-01 23:38:14) p.s.
im also an INFP and i added you
kevincarter (2003-12-03 21:48:00) Re: p.s.
Thanks for adding me; we INFPs have to stick together. :) I¼ve thoroughly enjoyed your journal so far. There¼s
something about the rhythm of your words that¼s... hypnotizing, in a way. This is, without a doubt, a good thing.
Keep writing.
jessocat (2003-12-03 22:46:13) Re: p.s.
wow what a fucking compliment thank you i would enter a smiley but i think it may be against my religion so:
smiley
(2003-12-11 22:35:36)
http://dustedmagazine.com/features/155 I thought of you when I read this. -brandon
1.8
1.8.1
December
(2003-12-03 12:40)
The picture’s far too big to look at, kid.
Your eyes won’t open wide enough,
And you’re constantly surrounded
By the swirling stream of what is and what was.
–Bright Eyes, ”The Big Picture”
This earth, it is constantly in revolution. It revolves and shifts at the moment of abstraction. Shadows
define my world, her shadow and mine, lying there asleep on a sunbeam. Between the abstractions, there is
nothing. A thought of echoing glances that never were hits my mind. If poetry is the ”spontaneous overflow
of powerful feelings” and ”emotion recollected in tranquility,” as Wordsworth wrote, I have the emotion and
nothing to recollect. The inability to remember every single memory I have terrifies me to no end. If I’m
constantly wrapped up in a life that feels tumultuous at all times, am I living with the right aesthetic? With
the right viewpoint? I attach myself to whatever idea I surround myself with in such a dangerous way. Why
can’t I be more of a skeptic? I want to live fully? I’m inundated by everything. I feel like I’m just beginning
to understand the subjectivity of consciousness in a new way. I’m breaking through to something else; I’m
just not quite sure what it is yet.
1.8.2
When Romantics get cynical. (2003-12-03 14:00)
”I belong to the blank generation, and I can take it or leave it each time.”
Richard Hell’s infuriated rasp amidst a roar of electric guitar static is the voice of this generation crying out, without definition. Here’s how bad it is: not only are ”all Gods dead, all wars fought, and all faiths
in man shaken”; now, we can’t even describe ourselves like that, because another generation already decided
to do it. Violence has become nonsensical and hilarious. Families are more likely to split up than they are
to stay together. Our country fights wars with other countries because we abuse too many of the earth’s
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natural resources. Your jokes fail, and the fact that they failed makes them funny. Your failures make you a
success. The books you read don’t tell you how to live, so illogically, you read more of them to find out why.
You’re addicted to coffee or buying clothes or watching TV or something. Maybe you love to paint, but you
can never master the human form. Maybe you’re a writer, but you always agonize over whether every word
you say is the right one. Or maybe all you want is to project your voice to the world, but you sing off-key.
You memorize trivia although its very name tells you that it’s trivial. You love someone and they don’t love
you. It doesn’t really matter what your flaw is. You’re obviously not going to live the model life, because
you can rarely replicate your dreams in waking life. Ben Folds said it best. ”There’s always someone cooler
than you.”
Every moment you live is absurd, and you don’t feel like playing the role of Sisyphus in a world where
no one will help you roll the boulder up the hill. Everything is chaos, and it’s not a beautiful chaos. So the
question arises: why bother trying?
On a sociological level, before this generation, humans have always had something to live for. There was
always a reason for life, at least for most people, whether it was God or the Empire or whatever the trend was
that week. Then, when Nietszche wrote God’s obituary, everything changed somehow. People tried absurdity
for a while, and it didn’t work too well. Samuel Beckett said that he stopped writing because every word
that he wrote was ”an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.” Only we could live in a world where an
absurdist writer stopped writing because writing itself was too absurd. Our generation is different. We have
eclipsed absurdity and moved on to another state. We’re only disillusioned because everything around us is
illusion. We feel insignificant, and why shouldn’t we? We vote and our choice for President isn’t elected.
People tell us that it’s a lost cause. (There’s that nasty undefined ’it,’ that expletive pronoun that sometimes
just means ’everything.’) Failure is an inevitable part of life. Shouldn’t we make the best of it?
Here’s how: even in your deepest tragedies, there is something that makes you laugh. Because tragedy
is constantly occurring, the only way to enjoy life is to make your own individual tragedy into a comedy.
Here’s the philosophy, in two words:
It’s funny.
Because of the extraordinary strain and incomprehensibility of modern life, everything has evolved to that
point. Instead of walking around looking depressed all the time, which any person who contemplates life
would normally do, you might as well laugh about the misery.
You’ve already read the crux of the philosophy, but apparently, you want more examples of how it can
be applied to real life. Well, that’s an example in and of itself. You basically know what I’m going to say
right now, so why continue reading? It’s because you’re drawn to something far beyond the absurd: the
morbid belief that everything is, in some sense, funny. Our society’s sense of humor is so morbid now that
even the most grotesque and horrible parts of life are made fun of. Whether it’s dead babies, the Columbia
crash, or even the World Trade Center attacks, jokes are cracked about them. Yes, things are awful, but we
might as well be happy as we can. I want to write more about this right now, but I won’t. It’s funny.
(ed. This whole thing is a really rough draft. I’m preaching to myself just as much as I’m preaching to
you, so don’t take offense. This is the beginning of a lot of private writing that I’m probably going to do on
this topic, so if you’d like to see more, say something and I’ll post it.)
timberwolves (2003-12-03 14:11:23)
There are some truths in this paper. Yet, there are major presumptions that should be reworked. Amazing though
219
that you would take the time to sit and think about these things. Not very many people actually philosophize about
their existence.
kevincarter (2003-12-03 14:32:18)
Thanks for the comment, James. I agree that the essay is definitely too presumptuous at this point, but I was trying
to shock myself into thinking about some of the things that are going on in my life. That¼s actually my whole
problem with this idea. I¼m not really sure how to explain it. It would be interesting to see if some sociologists or
theorists have studied the role of humor on a psychological level. I haven¼t done very angry, angst-filled writing in
a while, so it felt good to do it. :)
yesthatems (2003-12-03 14:24:01) Huh
At first I bypassed this, presuming it to be more marijuana-induced psychobabble, but on the four-hundreth or so
checking of my friends page (a procedure completed approximately every seven seconds, on the second) it struck a
familiar chord. You have some pretty fascinating insight on escapist humor. Besides, if trivia is so trivial, why has
Jeopardy been on the air for so many years? Hmm? Answer that, mister smarty head.
kevincarter (2003-12-03 21:54:46) Re: Huh
I would rather my words be nonsense than psychobabble. That is, until I take Psych 101. Familiar chords are
the best, sometimes, whether you¼re talking about music or life. There¼s a lot of comfort in knowing that what
the next note in the music is going to be. I don¼t think that the philosophy that I¼ve talked about is escapist,
necessarily. It¼s more about embracing the frustrating moments of life rather than rejecting and running away from
them. It¼s all part of accepting our own consciousness and discovering its purpose. And Jeopardy¼s been on the
air for so many years only because Alex Trebek is the man.
chatjam (2003-12-03 14:24:04)
i liked it. you made me believe that we are parts of a different generation. apathy and irony are what describe us i
think.
kevincarter (2003-12-03 22:02:16)
I think that both apathy and the need to be ironic describe us most of the time, but that it¼s dangerous to take
those qualities too seriously. We¼ve already seen other generations fail when they didn¼t consider how absurd life
is, and we can¼t fall into that trap again. This is almost a post-absurdist philosophy, where realizing the absurdity
of everything can bring us to a state where nothing is absurd.
ex turbulenc506 (2003-12-03 16:40:59)
<a href=”http://www.theavclub.com/avclub3532/avfeature3532.html”>Momus interviewed by the Onion:</a>
O: Do you ever get uncomfortable with irony? M: Um, no, actually. I have a lot of respect for people owning up to being ironic. I mean, I had a conversation with Beck a couple of years ago about whether he was ironic,
and he seemed very, very wary of admitting that his work is ironic. And to me, it¼s blazingly obvioushe¼s very
ironicbut if you say that, people start saying that your work is not real, or it¼s too clever, or it doesn¼t have the
emotional quality of some sincere artist¼s work. And I don¼t think that¼s true. I think irony is simply the oxygen
of our contemporary culture, because we all feel dispossessed, we all feel rootless, and we all feel part of the global,
kind of weird electronic biosphere, and irony is the most natural response to that. Hmm...yeah. That was a
really interesting post, Kevin. I, personally, would love to read more of your thoughts on the subject. You¼re so
smart. If you weren¼t such a friendly person, it would be rather intimidating!
kevincarter (2003-12-03 22:11:58)
Reading that interview with Momus makes him sound like he has some pretty phenomenal ideas. I¼ve heard him
mentioned before, but I haven¼t listened to any of his music yet. Any recommended albums, in particular? And
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thank you for the compliments, undeserved though they may be. I know that being conceited isn¼t exactly very
nice, but knowing that people enjoy what I write makes me want to write more. And it should make you write more
too, you slacker.
ex turbulenc506 (2003-12-06 15:45:57)
<lj user=”absolutelyfree”> got me interested in him. I own The Little Red Songbook (legally) and The
Philosophy of Momus (illegally–shh). Out of the two, I like The Philosophy of Momus better. I¼ve
read that Tender Pervert is really good – I might go with that one based on what I¼ve heard about it.
Um, wow. Summary: I couldn¼t say. Oh, you¼re faaaaarrr from conceited – or, if not, you¼re exceptionally
good at hiding it. And yes, write a lot. Writing from Kevin = mm. As for <lj user=”turbulence”>¼s lack of recent
updates– I haven¼t had much of interest to say lately, and boring people is never good!
ecredes (2003-12-03 16:49:34) :-*
Hey kevin...i shouldnt need to ask this for obvious reasons to you and i...but i fail to see how the philosophy applies
to my post about the old brittle woman getting mauled to death by 3 pitbulls...as i said before i think its funny, just
like the philosophy suggests...but on further thinking, i failed to find what the funny part was....why i find it funny?
now...i dont know if you find it funny as well...but even if you dont you might be able to probe the matter enough to
find out why i do...
ecredes (2003-12-03 16:58:58) Re: :-*
...nevermind....i¼m such an avid believer in the philosophy that these things kinda come naturally to me now...but
on further speculation i found out the funny part....and man is it funny(theres probably multiple funny parts but i
thought of this one and gave up thinking...ill tell you later if you want to know what i was thinking). Those of you
that think i¼m a horrible person because of this...are probably right(thats the funny part!!), but why? :-*
kevincarter (2003-12-03 22:23:32) Re: :-*
Because I found this incident extremely morbid and funny, I¼ll deconstruct why we laugh at this whole thing. There
is no rhyme or reason as to why these pit bulls would have attacked this woman, other than sheer viciousness. Of
course, she had no intent on doing any harm to any of the dogs. It¼s completely meaningless. If you dig down to the
details of anything, the absurd nature of life is almost immediately apparent. The mere fact that this information was
broadcast on the news to thousands of people to make money for a corporation is ridiculous. Let alone the situation
on the whole. Karma seems to have no effect on anything anymore. What did the woman do to deserve being mauled?
Nothing. The sheer purposelessness of everything is terrifying and hilarious all at once. Our society¼s attempt to
look at life in a logical fashion is at the root of this. Almost nothing that we do in life is logical if everything is
absurd. We laugh at this incident because it makes us uncomfortable. Our distance from the woman is absurd; we
have never even passed by her on the street, more likely than not. We laugh at our uncomfortability because crying
all the time would make us miserable; laughter and humor are the only societal constructs that can possibly help us
deal with everything. It¼s a coping mechanism. Of course, since you¼ve already figured out why your post was
funny, this post is funny. QED.
ecredes (2003-12-03 22:36:22) Re: :-*
...i actually was thinking it was because 3 pitbulls is extreme overkill to kill the old brittle woman... where just
falling down one step would be enough to cripple her and render her immobile for a few days and die...
mycalliope (2003-12-03 23:12:48) Re: :-*
i don¼t find that incident funny at all. in fact, just thinking about makes me sick to my stomach and want to cry.
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ecredes (2003-12-04 12:37:03) Re: :-*
you have a retarded sense of humor then.
mycalliope (2003-12-04 12:48:03) Re: :-*
um, ok?
mycalliope (2003-12-03 17:11:32)
hey, if you read this, you don¼t have to worry about getting me a quote from Hammomoto. I found an exerpt of it
online, and i¼m just gonna use something general. Thanks though!
kevincarter (2003-12-03 22:24:40)
No problem. Now, all I have to do is start work on my own essay. ... Oh, no. Obviously, the work will just go away
if I procrastinate it longer. Never mind.
yesthatems (2003-12-04 19:04:15) As a follow-up, two Mel Brooks quotes
”Tragedy is if I cut my finger, comedy is if I walk into an open sewer and die.” ”Humor is just another defense against
the universe.” Coincidence? Perhaps.
kevincarter (2003-12-04 21:01:50) Re: As a follow-up, two Mel Brooks quotes
Only a man who had that philosophy could write a mini-musical glorifying Hitler. Mel Brooks is brilliant.
maisnolemot (2003-12-06 12:26:42)
www.despair.com
1.8.3
(2003-12-04 01:53)
Right now, I feel like this place is an asylum. Like there are a whole collection of crazy people stumbling
around up here without anyone to supervise them. It’s not a good feeling. Thankfully, other people are
having the same anxious feelings as me about things.
I think I need to explain some of the last post. At the bottom of it, It was an indictment of myself for
occasionally buying into a philosophy like that. Sometimes, it’s easier for me to write in the voice of a
character before I can articulate whether I agree with the character. People’s minds fascinate me so much
right now, and I want to document each thought. Yes, sometimes I am a horrible person and find absolute
tragedies funny. But I don’t like the fact that I do it. I’m trying to figure out what my mind and others’
minds are thinking. I’m not saying that I apply that philosophy to everything I do, because I clearly don’t.
If I felt that everything was really meaningless, I wouldn’t be living right now. Nihilism is appealing in a
horrifying way, but I could never adopt it in my own life.
If I’m really honest in this journal, I think there are probably going to be things that horrify other people in
what I write. I don’t know what’s going on in my life, and everything’s spinning in circles. It’s a very disorienting feeling, and sometimes it can result in writing down things that can be misinterpreted. Everything
is piling up, and I don’t know how to cope with it other than writing. I feel unstable, like my two feet have
been knocked out from under me. The feeling of alienation is disturbing
I need something, or someone, to rely on.
222
1.8.4
(2003-12-06 12:41)
If my sole desire in life is justifying the ways of man to man, and I don’t even have enough time to write
down the beautiful things that I see around me, how can I fulfill my purpose?
obsidion knight (2003-12-06 14:28:14)
oh come on!!!! why would you delete adam¼s response??!?!?!!? its good adivice!!!!! ...
kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:02:36)
...
wardenusa (2003-12-06 14:28:34)
With BEER...or women!
kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:07:52)
Damn those prohibitory laws. For now, I guess I¼ll just have to shoulder-tap outside of liquor stores. As far as
women go, much of this journal has been a chronicling of my romantic angst. If you don¼t want to read more lame,
emo entries, don¼t encourage me like that! Also, are you coming back down to Arvada for the break?
yesthatems (2003-12-06 19:33:57)
How do you know that your purpose is justifying the ways of man to man? I don¼t even know what that¼s supposed
to mean. Maybe your purpose in life is selling quality Oriental rugs at rock bottom prices. Maybe it¼s donning a
cape and fighting crime under the guise of ebony night. Hell, maybe it¼s teaching creative writing in a small Rhode
Island town and opening the hearts of ignorant youngsters, erstwhile coaching the misfit school hockey team and
leading them to win the state finals. In any case, we¼re all far too inexperiened and young to know. You have an
average of 57 years left on Earth - that¼s a long time to figure out what life is truly about. When you¼re sitting in
a rocking chair, toothless, wrinkly and surrounded by acres of grandchildren, then it will be easy to find the purpose
in life. But right now you have so many options - just keep your mind open. Go for a run or something; endorphins
are nature¼s Prozac. Or get some Prozac. Or watch Sleepless in Seattle. Whatever.
kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:03:36)
This is the best advice I¼ve gotten from anyone in a long time. Seriously, thank you.
bileograph (2003-12-06 19:54:34)
fuggit. I don¼t believe in purpose, at least not in the grand Religious sense. I suppose purpose can exist if you
impose it on yourself. ”Because I like it.” It¼s a funny thing about liking things. Sometimes you¼ll wake up and
think, ”Maybe I don¼t.” But that aside, I carry around a reporter¼s notebook and a pen in my jacket. The real
problem isn¼t finding the time, it¼s finding beauty in things.
kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:14:26)
As always, Billy, thanks for your perspective on things. Because I¼m not sure what my purpose is, or if I even have
one, I just need to live day to day. ”Because I like it” fits in pretty well with what I¼ve been thinking.
pmaguardian (2003-12-09 14:22:55)
You have no purpose Kevin. You are just a fucking blemish to the world, like all humans. Deal with it and just go
with the flow. If you want, we can kill some people, that¼ll make you feel like rockin out. And just to note, before
you read my recent post... it wasn¼t a DISS to you. I just don¼t bother reading your posts just like I don¼t bother
reading Wark¼s. Non-sensical balls of philosophical prattle which makes me want to shit a muffin. Not that it¼s a
bad thing. I¼d just rather read you post something like: ”Hi. I had a good day. I talked to a girl. I hate my life.
223
Reflecting on my life, it is bad. Screw life.” Just kiddin dude... keep on rockin like Dokken. I am the Alpha, I am
the Omega, I am Batman Nick
kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:16:24)
Word up, Nick.
prometheus911 (2003-12-12 15:44:45)
Kevin! Call me when you get home tonight, of get on AIM. We should hang out! Talk to you soon! -Brandon
1.8.5
(2003-12-12 16:51)
After a few stressful days full of playing catch-up, I’m finished with finals. Hopefully, having some time off
will give me a lot of perspective on what I’ve done over the past semester, the people I’ve met, and generally
how I’ve conducted my life. The new year seems like it’s rolling around at precisely the time it needs to.
Thinking about how much I’ve changed in the past year is shocking. Everything I saw and felt then seems
antithetical to how I experience things now. Reflection is something that I haven’t had enough time for
lately. Ironically enough, the reason for that has been writing these so-called ”reflection papers” for classes.
Funny how things work out.
I can’t believe that I’ve already spent a semester up here. What’s scary is that so much of it has been
a blur. Over the break, I’m really hoping to write a lot more than I have been lately. So, basically, more
entries soon.
smellyvans (2003-12-12 16:35:48)
Arg...I still have finals, not looking forward to those. You school life sounds so grand, I hope I can acheive that one
day.
kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:17:29)
Good luck on finals. School has been amazing and eye-opening both, but now that I¼m off, I¼m ecstatic to be back
around friends and family.
bileograph (2003-12-12 21:30:31)
Why don¼t you IM me one of these days. We well speak of girls, and beers, and drugs, and graffiti, and the way the
nights look in different parts of the world! Beorcen, yes. – The Fool, Billy
kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:19:19)
Absolutely. Looking forward to it already.
lostheaven (2003-12-13 18:57:47) you're dead kevin
DEAD. so i transferred all my songs from my old computer to my new computer and winamp randomly selects...
SCOOTER. cough Kevin. Cough. Seriously though. I miss you. We need to hang out soon.
kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:21:18) Re: you're dead kevin
God, I <strike>love</strike> hate Scooter.
(2003-12-17 01:48:27)
stupid
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kevincarter (2003-12-17 20:21:59)
I hate when I forget to make entries friends-only.
1.8.6
(2003-12-17 20:59)
I’ve been writing a lot lately, but most of it hasn’t been on here. When I sat down to transcribe some of it
tonight, I realized that I left my notebook at the movie theater during Return of the King, which was a great
movie. So, really, massive updates are coming once I find it, including tons of introspection and angst-filled,
incoherent teenage poetry. Hopefully, you can control yourselves until then. Anyway, I’m having a great
Christmas break so far, and hopefully, it only gets better from here. Talk to you all soon!
mycalliope (2003-12-17 22:28:25)
i¼m glad you¼re having a good break :-)
1.8.7
(2003-12-21 15:59)
10 Years of American Haikus
(variations on a [1]theme by Kerouac)
The First Year
Luscious drops pour
From the gardener’s pail–
Flowers spring to life
Newspaper in the gutter
The bars are closing–
He’s drunk on summer
A wrinkled woman
Singing lullabies to no one–
Phone line dead as autumn leaves
Her throat is sore
From singing and coughing–
Love: the winter disease
The Second Year
Sitting on the sidewalk,
The sun warm on her neck–
Idyllic spring
Dotted white lines
Appear solid at high speeds–
Sweet summer escape
225
Ragged knapsack
Resting on his shoulder–
A fall from grace
His coat crushes
The brittle grass–
Lonesome winter dusk
”A Fantasy”
On the merry-go-round,
We clung tightly to the bars.
Our feet shook dust
From the pebbles.
We were layered with leaves
In my technicolor daydreams,
But it’s getting colder
In the night.
My feet never touch the ground anymore.
I get dizzy at the thought of you
And the swirling world around me.
1. http://users.rcn.com/jhudak.interport/Jack.html
1.8.8
(2003-12-22 20:19)
The Third Year
A rained-out garage sale:
Old, wet clothes–
Spring is the cruellest season
She takes a sip
From his Coke can–
Saccharine summer love
A night spent watching TV,
Wishing that something would happen–
Another freefall
He sips hot cocoa
Under mountains of blankets–
Winter’s soft pleasures
226
The Fourth Year
Screaming his lungs out
With the singer on the radio–
Midnight drives down Spring Street
Tender petals crushed
By hail and basketballs–
Harsh, playful summer
A program for a buck
And cold beer for two–
The fall classic
In the theater,
Their arms awkwardly touch–
Winter deludes you with love
justlikelarry (2003-12-22 19:55:41)
i¼m glad you¼re putting these in your journal. i like reading them.
panoptican (2003-12-22 20:07:31)
I was wondering where years 3-10 were...
mycalliope (2003-12-22 22:04:42)
me too
grlinabox (2003-12-23 05:36:20)
I really loved the garage sale one... nice job on all tho keep em coming
1.8.9
(2003-12-24 01:16)
The Fifth Year
Two boys fishing
And eating tuna sandwiches–
Lush, green spring
They walk through the park
Holding hands–
Summer renews love
A week at college
And she yearns for home–
Those lonesome fall blues
227
A pagan sings hymns
He should have forgotten–
Nostalgic wintertime
The Sixth Year
The wind
Catches a red frisbee–
Soaring, simple spring
Backpacks full of
Books to cover–
The end of the summer
The sweater’s static
Shocks her cold body–
Her name is Autumn
Her novel has five pages
Written long ago–
She longs for that winter
airik (2003-12-24 11:47:37)
what the hell why would you write that in a journal?>
kevincarter (2003-12-24 21:48:08)
Quoth your journal on 12/10/2003: MOOO: GODDAMNFUCKINGAGNRYASHELL I rest my case. :)
airik (2003-12-24 22:24:46)
that was supposed to be Mood: GODDAMNFUCKINGANGRYASHELL ...sorry for the misconception. anywho i
still dont understand why that was your total journal entry. Isnt it supposed to have some substance, complaining
or telling about the miserable occurances of one¼s life?
burningtyger (2003-12-24 14:33:16) I like
I like what you¼re doing here, very nice to read becuase I love poetry, but technically those aren¼t haikus....but
thats only if you go by the rules..
kevincarter (2003-12-24 21:46:18) Re: I like
Thanks for your comments. I do realize that they¼re not haikus in the traditional sense, but I¼m modeling them
off of Jack Kerouac¼s formula for a new sort of American haiku. Here¼s what he has to say about them: The
American Haiku is not exactly the Japanese Haiku. The Japanese Haiku is strictly disciplined to seventeen syllables,
but since the language structure is different I don¼t think American Haiku¼s (short three-line poems intended
to be completely packed with Void of Whole) should worry about syllables because American speech is something
again...bursting to pop. I still tried to use the Japanese haiku structure by including a poetic shift after the
second line and a seasonal reference in the third line. Kerouac and others don¼t feel that the syllable structure of
haikus are as important in English as they are in Japanese, just because of the differences between the languages.
Glad you enjoyed them. :)
228
burningtyger (2003-12-25 14:47:56) Re: I like
Thanks for explaining, I love Kerouac, he is one of my favorite authors/poets.
1.8.10
(2003-12-25 04:12)
The Seventh Year
He cries, remembering
Elementary school valentines–
Spring kisses are gone
The needle scratches
The vinyl again–
A record of last summer
She puts off homework
For a stroll around the parkWho cares if her grades fall?
He sits on the corner
Singing sad songs–
Ruthless, cold winter
The Eighth Year
The mailtruck delivers
Her letter to him–
Mud-luscious spring
Vanilla ice cream
And cookie dough–
Summer melts away
The key to her heart
Stayed in her notebook–
Things fall apart
A little girl shouts,
”Merry Christmas!”–
The winter snow is melting
The Ninth Year
Her Easter dress
Waves in the wind–
The frailest spring
229
He licks his
Sticky popsicle fingers–
Green summer grass
She waits for him
To come home–
A ghostly autumn moon
She blows cool air
Into his ear–
Heavy winter moments
The Tenth Year
He drives,
And she kisses–
Old spring feels so new
The ambrosia
Of a rainstorm–
Could summer ever end?
On her rooftop,
Serenely smiling–
Autumn changes everything
He hugs his grandpa’s
Big, round belly–
Winter becomes spring
pugofwar (2003-12-25 08:03:02)
You¼re such a ¼bot. But the ¼American Haiku¼ needs a champion. And his name is KC 9000. Nice work.
Perhaps you should wear a cape?
kevincarter (2003-12-25 13:43:09)
Seriously, I¼m way too much of an emo kid to be a robot. But the cape is tempting. Hmmm...
1.8.11
A Christmas Mixtape (2003-12-25 14:35)
I made a mixtape for this Christmas, because somehow, I actually wasn’t a grinch this year. And lucky you.
You get to see the tracklist. (I’ll do one of those full ”how is my life going?” posts soon, I assure you.)
01.
02.
03.
04.
05.
230
The Pogues - The Fairytale of New York
Phantom Planet - Winter Wonderland
Jimmy Eat World - 12.23.95
Ben Folds - Lonely Christmas Eve
Dar Williams - The Christians and the Pagans
06.
07.
08.
09.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.
17.
18.
19.
20.
Tori Amos - Little Drummer Boy
Joni Mitchell - River
Tom Waits - Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis
Belle and Sebastian - The Twelve Days of Christmas
RENT - Christmas Bells
The Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan - God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
The Beatles - Christmas Time (Is Here Again)
Beck - The Little Drum Machine Boy
Patti Smith - We Three Kings
The Vandals - I Don’t Believe in Santa Claus
Weezer - The Christmas Song
Bright Eyes - Blue Christmas
The Pretenders - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Spinal Tap - Christmas With the Devil
John Lennon and Yoko Ono - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
zztknightt (2003-12-25 15:23:47)
yay for weezer. and the beatles.
kevincarter (2003-12-27 12:44:43)
Agreed.
wandering binx (2003-12-25 17:02:58)
Can you make me a Cd there is 2.50 in it for you!
kevincarter (2003-12-27 12:45:45)
Definitely. I¼m going to buy some new CD-Rs today, so you¼ll get a copy soon. And don¼t worry about the
$2.50. The enjoyment I get out of forcing people to listen to my music is worth way more than that. :)
wandering binx (2003-12-27 14:19:48)
SwEEEEEEEt!
ex turbulenc506 (2003-12-25 17:56:34)
OHMYGOD. That¼s the best ever. Spinal Tap, RENT, Pogues – good calls!
kevincarter (2003-12-27 12:54:26)
”Christmas With the Devil” rocks Christmas like no other.
xcape reality03 (2003-12-25 19:59:55)
Freakin John Lennon and Yoko rule. That has become my favorite christmas song ever. All these songs kick ass, I
love Phantom Planet and Bright Eyes, I was listening to them last night when we drove down to see Zoo Ligths...or
whatever its called. Good call on ¼God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen¼ by BNL and Sarah McLachlan. That is
my mom¼s favorite song and I think we listened to it about 99 times today. I have to say that Greensleeve (I
think that¼s what its called) performed by Vanessa Carlton is smashingly done. You should listen to it. Man,
this was long. But I never reply to your journals, so hey...
kevincarter (2003-12-27 12:50:18)
I love ”Happy Xmas.” Now, it¼s just a matter of trying to make the words in the song come true. And I agree with
you about ”God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen.” It¼s a great version, especially the pseudo-country vibe throughout the
song. Haven¼t heard Vanessa Carlton do ”Greensleeves,” but I have to admit that ”A Thousand Miles” is a guilty
pleasure, so I¼ll have to check it out.
231
chatjam (2003-12-26 01:08:12)
maybe ”a long december” by the counting crows may be added, in my humble opinion 8=)
pmaguardian (2003-12-26 23:26:08)
What a crappy Christmas album. No Trans Siberian? Blasphemy. I am the Alpha, I am the Omega, I am Batman
Nick
ex rosabel b372 (2003-12-27 10:45:09)
This has nothing to do with your entry, but I just noticed you added me to your friends list, but I have no idea who
you are. How did you get my user name? Why did you add me? Just trying to straighten out my confusion. :-)
kevincarter (2003-12-27 23:44:47)
I did an LJ search for people in Arvada, and your username showed up. We have quite a few similar interests, so I
added you. :)
ex rosabel b372 (2003-12-27 23:47:46)
Alright. Cool. Works for me! I see you live in Boulder. I work in Boulder.
ex rosabel b372 (2003-12-27 23:52:36)
Ah, I should also let you know that I¼ve added you back, and if you try to read any of my entries prior to today¼s
entry, you won¼t see anything, as just this morning, I made all my back-entries ”private.” Just to explain why, at
this point, if you were to read my journal, you would see one, and only one, entry. :-) By the way, I couldn¼t be
happier to find another Kate Bush fan. Just last week I was bemoaning the fact that no ”younger” people today
(i.e., people under 25 or so) seem to appreciate her, or even know who she is. I¼m glad to see you do!!! Have you
joined <lj comm=”gaffa”>, the Kate Bush community?
brinagirl (2003-12-30 20:19:09)
The Pogues - The Fairytale of New York This is a great song. Have you heard the awesome punkish cover by No
Use for a Name?
milkmansmeagol (2003-12-31 02:06:10) omg
boy i bet that tori amos song is wicked sweet. i wonder how she was able to ruin a good christmas carol, one of my
favs at least.
1.8.12
(2003-12-29 15:04)
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
9:00
9:30
THTR 1009: Introduction to Theatre
(Waitlisted)
THTR 1009: Introduction to Theatre
(Waitlisted)
10:00
PHIL 1000: Introduction to Philosophy
PHIL
1000: Introduction to Philosophy
PHIL 1000: Introduction to
Philosophy
10:30
232
11:00
SPAN 1020: Beginning Spanish 2
SPAN 1020:
Beginning Spanish 2
11:30
12:00
ENGL 1191: Introduction to Creative Writing
ENGL 1191: Introduction to Creative Writing
ENGL
1191: Introduction to Creative Writing
12:30
1:00
ENGL 2010: Recitation
1:30
2:00
ENGL 2010: Introduction to Literary Theory
ENGL 2010: Introduction to Literary Theory
2:30
3:00
This schedule was generated using bitman’s
[1]Schedule Builder.
1. http://bitman.freeshell.org/schedulebuilder.php
pipster uwyo (2003-12-30 19:27:37)
WHAT IS THIS? ”Intro to Philosophy”? ”Intro to Theatre”? *shudders* (Thems some bad memories) Where, may I
ask, is the science? Oh well, with a four hour Chemistry lab, I¼ll be having enough science for the both of us. :)
milkmansmeagol (2003-12-31 02:04:32) hmm
that sux that yu have to take spanish every day of the week for an hour. It also seems like u have some tough classes
there. good luck.
(2004-01-09 20:01:37) You can say, "I told you so."
Hello there Kevin. I always said I wouldn¼t get an lj. But apparently I was wrong. But that doesn¼t mean I have
to tell you what my user-name is. *snicker*
1.8.13
(2003-12-29 18:16)
This break has been amazing so far, but it’s hard to believe that two weeks of it has already passed me
by. For once, I’m actually going to journal about it, instead of writing haikus in here. Introspection and
contemplation are two of the most valuable parts of having breaks from school, and that’s what I’ve been
doing.
I finished my first semester at CU. One of the things I’ve realized lately is how little time I’ll actually
have there. With AP credits, after the first semester, I’m already a sophomore. There’s so much I want to
do in the three years that I have left, including studying abroad in England, which I’ve gotten more and
more serious about. I was pretty disappointed with the academic experience overall this semester, identifying
somewhat with Franny on the phoniness of college professors, but college on the whole was great for me.
233
I feel like I’ve grown a lot through my experiences this semester. I realized that I’ve been taking friends,
family, and the beauty in life for granted, and I’m going to try to reverse that starting now.
As many people predicted, the Boulderites have finally gotten to me. I’m considering becoming a vegetarian. If nothing else, I will probably cut beef out of my diet altogether. [1]Mad Cow disease in the U.S. – a
phenomenon which all too few people seem to know about – was the last straw. I’ve been contemplating the
change for quite a while, particularly after reading stuff like Eric Schlosser’s Fast Food Nation, a book that
made me stop eating at McDonald’s over a year ago. The shocking conditions at slaughterhouses and even
on farms really create a humanitarian dilemma. Cows are herbivores, not cannibals. And now, the USDA
is [2]putting humans in danger too. It’s sad that it took an event like that to change my mind about eating
beef, but it has. Unless the U.S. beef industry makes radical changes in the upcoming months, hamburgers
are out for good. I’m not hopeful, though, with Bush’s almost unconditional support of the industries over
the general welfare in the past.
I really love music. A lot. Yesterday, I finished re-reading Lester Bangs’ Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor
Dung and was amazed by it all over again. The man’s passion for music is enviable. Music journalism is
sounding more and more appealing by the day, especially if I want to get a writing career off of the ground.
With how much time I already spend listening to it, it just makes sense.
Relationships: mystified, as usual. So much so that I don’t even feel like writing about them right now.
I’ve spent a majority of the break hanging out with friends, which has been extremely good for me. Somehow,
you guys always seem to be the ones that help me grow the most. So, as cheesy as it may sound, thank you
all for being there when I needed you to be.
I have a lot more to say, but I’ll probably end up splitting it into a few different posts over the next
few days. Until then.
1. http://www.organicconsumers.org/madcow.htm
2. http://www.ems.org/creutzfeldt-jakob_disease/facts.html
ex rosabel b372 (2003-12-29 18:05:03)
I love the Salinger reference. :-)
kevincarter (2003-12-30 12:13:30)
Haha. Thanks. I love Salinger, period. He was one of the authors that first stirred the love of literature in me, so
I¼ll also have a sentimental attachment to him.
psychotik (2003-12-29 18:52:47)
i know about the mad cow disease, but i¼m not too worried about it. then again, i spent considerable time in
europe/the UK right smack in the middle of the mad cow disease/hoof and mouth fiasco. it¼s just about control...anything sucks if it¼s not in moderation. i don¼t eat meat very often, but i don¼t really think it¼s healthy
to cut it out completely... just my two cents, i guess.
kevincarter (2003-12-30 12:20:17)
I¼m not as worried about the spread of the disease as I am the brutality of the industry right now. Mad cow, for
me, was just the last straw. Shamefully, one of my problems is that I¼m just really picky. A lot of my favorite dishes
have meat in them, and at college, it¼s tough finding edible stuff in the dining halls. But convenience shouldn¼t
dictate my moral choices. (Thanks, <lj user=”thedexter”>, for helping me learn that. I¼m giving up Starbucks for
the New Year too.) I¼m also somewhat concerned about health. I don¼t think I get enough protein as it is, and it
234
would be much more difficult with a vegetarian diet. Thanks for your input.
ecredes (2003-12-31 11:32:01)
why the fuck are you giving up starbucks
like fire (2003-12-29 19:59:41)
i don¼t know you or anything but having been a vegetarian for almost 9 years now, i had to comment and tell you
that it was the best decision of my life. aside from the moral issues (which are stirring for me, but not for many
people), it¼s so much healthier for you than eating meat, and i would highly suggest you give it a try. after i turned
vegetarian, i also started to pay a lot more attention to what i was eating and this made it easier to try a much
wider variety of food that may have never been an option when i was eating meat...i don¼t want to ramble, but just
thought that i would encourage you to try it out at least. good luck.
kevincarter (2003-12-30 12:22:35)
Thanks for commenting. I was really hoping that someone who was a vegetarian was going to give me some encouragement. Are there any resources you would recommend for vegetarian dishes and alternatives at restaurants?
like fire (2003-12-30 15:57:41)
There is a great recipe page <a href=”http://www.vegetarianrecipe.com/”>here</a>. there¼s a ton of stuff
there, and it¼s cool because it gives you the nutrition facts. For fast food, <a href=”http://www.vegetarianrestaurants.net/OtherInfo/FastFoodRest.h tm”>this page</a> gives all the vegetarian options at pretty much every fast food/casual dining chain in america. also, i wouldn¼t be too concerned about protien. Americans pretty
much get way more protien than they actually need, and as long as you eat enough in general, you will probably
be getting your daily protien needs. if you¼re concerned, nuts, legumes, fake meat products (and all other soy
products), and leafy green vegetables are all full of protien. there are so many fake meat products on the market
that taste really good (my meat eating family loves some of them), and i find that they help a lot for people just
becoming vegetarian. oh, and a multi-vitamen isn¼t gonna hurt anyone either. good luck...if you ever have any
questions, i¼ve become sort of consumed with the moral and nutritional aspects of vegetarianism, so feel free to
ask as i¼ve read up a lot on so many related topics.
corvidae (2003-12-29 23:38:19)
...identifying somewhat with Franny on the phoniness of college professors... ...didn¼t realize they were
phony. Overenthusiastic, maybe, but not phony.
kevincarter (2003-12-30 12:23:49)
We had different teachers, though. I would definitely categorize a few of the ones I had as phony, and none of them
were particularly enthusiastic about the material they were teachign.
milkmansmeagol (2003-12-31 02:01:41) ha loser
kevin dawg i would make so much fun of you if u became a fu**ing vegetarian. what¼s the point? and mad cow
disease is in the spine and the brain, parts which are not sold for consumption. also i was doing my reading, and
eating soy products can cause irregularities in one¼s vison. www.worldnewsstand.net/health/canola.htm. check out
that site for more info. although there may be some danger to mad cow disease in the steak that we buy. because
japan has boycotted all american beef. maybe they know something we don¼t. although there was only one cow that
i heard about that had mad cow. and they are not even sure where it came from. Is it a cow epidemic yet? i really
don¼t think it is a national threat or anything to worry about.
235
1.8.14
(2003-12-30 04:46)
Tonight, I wanted to write you a love poem. It would have been filled with desperate words trying to recreate
you and your dazzling eyes between two blue lines on a piece of paper. A hopeless task, of course. That’s
what I get for trying to speak the ineffable. I would have blathered on about how you look like a ’20s
Hollywood starlet when you smile or how I want to be the one to give you that sweet midnight kiss tomorrow
night. But instead, I’ll just dream of singing these words through a whisper into your ear, long after the
parties are over, long after the last drop of champagne has been sipped:
I’ll be your mirror.
(Reflect what you are
In case you don’t know.)
I’ll be the wind, the rain, and the sunset.
The light on your door
To show that you’re home.
maccy (2003-12-30 05:25:06) Not to put a dampener or anything, but...
According to John Cale¼s autobiography, Lou Reed wrote that for Nico and when she left him it was with the words
”I can no longer love Jews.” A cheery though for the end of the year...
kevincarter (2003-12-30 11:52:43) Re: Not to put a dampener or anything, but...
I believe it. Nico was kicked off of Island Records after making comments about not liking ”negroes.” I think it¼s
one of the sweetest love songs ever written. If only Lou wouldn¼t have gone off the deep end in his solo career.
groupie supreme (2003-12-30 07:20:51)
Lord, do I need to speak to you. It¼s been entirely too long.
kevincarter (2003-12-30 12:24:55)
Agreed.
bileograph (2003-12-30 10:29:15) Mon dieu
That is the best.
kevincarter (2003-12-30 12:28:19) Re: Mon dieu
Thanks, Billy.
smellyvans (2003-12-30 17:12:54)
It¼s lovely. Your like a hopeless romantic with much to hope for.
kevincarter (2004-01-05 12:50:49)
Thanks. Sometimes, I think hope is all we have, so we better hold on to it.
obsolete xo (2004-01-04 20:06:37)
i just wanted to say thanks again for saying happy birthday. im going to add you, is that alright?
kevincarter (2004-01-05 12:52:12)
Definitely.
236
Chapter 2
2004
2.1
2.1.1
January
”Get it down. Take chances. It may be bad, but it’s the only way you can do
anything really good.” (2004-01-23 03:39)
The quote in the subject is from Faulkner. God bless that man. For too long, I’ve been intimidated by how
many beautiful things there are to write about. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem like I can scribble those images
down fast enough. But that should never be an excuse for not writing anything at all, and that’s what it
has become. So today, I decided to spend my time doing something much better than homework with my
time: writing.
”To a Passing Stranger”
For the first time in a while,
I force a guarded, awkward smile.
You just avert your steel grey eyes,
and streets of silent passerbys
can only see your pursed blue lips.
Sentimental dolor grips
my swollen heart. A line or two
will ease this dismal, hazy blue:
the kind of blue note Miles would play
for pretty little Melonae.
But scribbling in this freezing street,
I know if our sad eyes could meet,
for just one moment, warmth would flow
and melt this vicious, chilling snow.
secret tears (2004-01-23 06:27:07)
not bad at all, you definetely have a way with words.
bileograph (2004-01-23 08:23:38)
I remember when I used to always feel like that.
237
miraminn (2004-01-24 05:35:28)
Definitely understand, about feeling dwarfed or overwhelmed by beauty. It keeps me from writing or drawing as much
as I¼d like to... but in the longrun, I find that if I just make myself sit down and indulge in one aspect of the depth
I see, it¼s immensely rewarding. I have considerable admiration for anyone who conveys thoughts well in meter and
rhyme. I myself find that it tends to make my writing trite or predictable, but yours seems to be neither of the two.
Very cool. =)
hepcatscratch (2004-01-25 01:06:31) Subject... uh... "good poem?"
I agree with the poster previous to mine. I find that when I write poetry, rhyming makes it bland and it turns out
much better if I just use meter. Sometimes I¼ll use neither, but one must remember to not write poetry devoid of
any literary devices. Should that occur, poetry isn¼t that at all... it¼s just freehand writing that would probably
fit better in an online journal... But seriously Kevin, I love that poem. I have to say that I was quite taken aback
by your first two lines. Very striking. It is amazing to me, as well, to ponder the poetic possibilities. It is too bad
that the way life comes to me is such a dull palette of grays and blues. My canvas is a limited scape of abstract lines
almost intersecting and crashing before they fall off of the sheet. I hope to see life¼s more vivid colors someday, as
most artists do. I applaud your artistic aptitude, Kev, and I hope that you and I will be able to spend much more
time together. Perhaps you¼ll help show me things... one color at a time.
56light56 (2004-01-25 21:26:34)
Yeah, that¼s a cool poem. Sorry this has nothing to do with the poem, but I wanted to say thanks again for bringing
the Tostidos to the party and I hope you weren¼t too freaked out by the end. It was lots of fun, though, and I hope
you thought so as well. I added you if that¼s ok. :)
lostheaven (2004-01-26 14:45:04)
needs more victor
mokeyonwheels (2004-02-28 17:10:45)
I do that too sometimes. Its like four in the morning, And I haven¼t done any of my homework. But, hell, I have
one helluva good poem. It evens out in the end.
kevincarter (2004-03-01 22:57:56)
I always feel like I¼ve done more for myself whenever I write instead of doing homework. That attitude won¼t
exactly get me into an Ivy League grad school. Sidenote: I¼ve loved reading your journal so far. Keep writing, keep
writing, keep writing. :)
mokeyonwheels (2004-03-02 10:24:44)
(blush) Thanks. I love writing. ...I¼m glad you enjoy it.
2.1.2
”The Broken Piano” (2004-01-26 14:09)
Rain glazed the cracking windowpane;
I shivered beneath the covers.
My mind played back the sweet refrain
Of sentimental lovers.
Singing saccharine melodies,
Their voices merged in one soft sigh.
I dusted off the piano keys
And sang myself a lullaby.
238
On that poor piano (rusted metal,
Old, chipped wood, and out of tune)
I pressed down on the broken pedal
And sang a requiem for the moon.
Again, its music filled the air
In sad tones high and deep.
I wafted off, without a care,
And dreamt my way to sleep.
pipster uwyo (2004-01-26 13:23:54) Beautiful.
This, I like! :)
casey (2004-01-26 13:42:17)
Fantastic, Kevin. Enviable work.
obsidion knight (2004-01-26 14:19:04)
... needs more victor...
lostheaven (2004-01-26 14:38:09)
nods head in agreement* Y¼know... I didn¼t realize that I had to be logged in to see your posts. So I literally
haven¼t seen the past couple of months posts from you or Mandy. How funny. MUCH MORE VICTOR.
ex turbulenc506 (2004-01-26 14:28:24)
It¼s so nice having the daily ”FUCKTHISFUCKTHAT” rants interspersed with Kevin¼s beautiful poetry. This is
a particularly nice one.
plastichope (2004-01-26 15:28:57)
love it. :D
burningtyger (2004-01-26 18:38:54)
I like all the poetry you have written here, but i¼m sure your sick of praise and want critism...and that i cannot give
you.
misskrist (2004-01-26 19:03:24)
Lovely. So wistful!
richardparker (2004-01-26 19:14:54) ...Sigh misty morning
How do you learn? I am still puzzled that poetry, or that kind of writing, just comes within, and yours sounds so
truthful, or so...not stupid? Haha, oh how I am bitter. I don¼t know how to describe it, but some that I have heard
(and have shamelessly written) just comes out silly, and I can¼t see that thing the way I see it in yours. I want
desperately to learn, but no one seems to be willing to teach, or knows how to. Sigh...what a gift you possess. I envy
you, and rejoice, knowing that you can create something so magnificant. it¼s lovely. I wonder what stirred this from
within. That¼s always another question: the inspirer.
bileograph (2004-01-26 21:35:24)
I am currently a lyricist for a hobbling fledgling band. This inspires me to be much better!
239
yesthatems (2004-01-26 22:42:00)
Oh, Kevin. You wrote a poem hat evokes true emotion in me. That doesn¼t happen often. And it¼s nice to see a
rhyming poem that isn¼t trite. Good job.
groupie supreme (2004-01-27 09:02:07)
Teach me how to rhyme.
panoptican (2004-02-09 19:21:42)
Kevin, though there is probably a very good reason for your recent abscence, I must say your break from LJ (and
thus my break from your words) has made me a bit sad. Hopefully you return.
56light56 (2004-02-10 08:37:03)
Nice Poem. I cannot write poetry, but I sure do enjoy it. I used to play the piano. Now, it¼d probably sound the
same if I were playing it while asleep. Oh, well.
2.2
2.2.1
February
(2004-02-17 03:13)
No more silence.
"Why I Loved You On The Dancefloor"
Because your throaty voice whispered lilting,
lovey-dovey ballads softly into my ear
Because when the tempo picked up, you danced
circles around me, sliding your finger
along my back, consciously flirting
with everyone in the room
Because when we one-stepped, our bodies fit
together like clichéd puzzle pieces
Because when we switched partners, the puzzle
was incomplete; pieces were lost under
the couch cushions
Because you were my Daisy Buchanan in that
flapper dress, except you didn’t need to
mumble to get me to lean closer to you
Because I was lost in a dream, a fleeting
fantasy that finally fleeted
Last night, I listened to the songs I want you to hear. They’re the saddest, loneliest ones I could think
of, songs mixed with desire and desperation. I wanted you to have a soundtrack for rainy nights spent
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restless under the covers, for nights when thunder boomed and you felt overwhelmed with the constant
pressure of life pushing down on you. All of them revolved around distance, the spaces and dashes between
two souls that have passion, if nothing else. I closed my eyes and sighed all the way through it, breathing
as impressionistic paintings of serene lovers flooded my mind, haunting me with their perfection and their
closeness. But after the last note played, fading off, tears started flowing, drip-dropping on the pages of this
notebook, blurring the ink, obscuring the words I was writing to you. My sobbing sounded foreign, bestial.
I cried until I thought I would be sick, and I stopped. My eyes hurt too badly to keep going, my voice was
broken, and I was broken. Exhausted, I played the album again and went to sleep. Strangely, it’s the saddest
songs that can take the edge off of your sadness, that can give you the sense of relief that you only get after
crying.
Now, caffeine and nicotine swirl in my mouth. They are the drugs I try to replace you with. My heartrate
speeds as it would at the sight of you. I kiss my cigarette again, imagining instead your smoky warmth inside
my mouth, lips on lips, skin on skin. But I’m drawn back to reality, the cruellest word I can think of. I’m
having another love affair with paper, the paper filter on this cigarette, the paper I’m writing to you on.
This goddamn cigarette resting on my lips instead of your skin. The warmth I feel is artificial, a chimera.
This is how it always goes. Stamps and looseleafs and books fill my eyes rather than your radiant beauty.
I read your letter again today, realizing that your smell had left it, evaporating into the air. I unlock my
mailbox two or three times a day, imagining the postman delivering your letters at midnight. The smoke of
my breath, the smoke of this coffee cup, the smoke of the cigarette. They mingle in the air, twisting, swirling,
drifting up through the air until they reach you, your mouth breathing the oxygen in. It’s the closest I can
get to you right now.
So tomorrow, I’ll put your letter and this CD in the mail and wish it was me flying to your doorstep
instead.
obsidianfawn (2004-02-17 07:08:46)
sighs and shakes her head*
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:23:44) Re:
Post more of your writing. Please?
obsidianfawn (2004-02-20 07:28:14)
was that sarcastic? or am i actually supposed to post my writing? and why would you want me to do that anyway?
kevincarter (2004-02-20 12:59:16) Re:
Of course it wasn¼t sarcastic. Here¼s why: 1) I like to read your writing. 2) Deep in your heart of hearts, you
like writing too. Otherwise, you wouldn¼t do it. 3) Therefore, you should post your writing.
obsidianfawn (2004-02-20 14:07:22)
But I don¼t write much anymore...although I should. Maybe I¼ll take your idea into conisderation.
panoptican (2004-02-17 08:27:25)
You parallel me. Am I reading my thoughts or are these your words? I can hardly tell the difference. Well, I guess I
can... you write it better than I could. I¼m glad you¼re back.
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:33:19) Re:
I feel the same way whenever I read any of your writing, but I know you¼d get sick of seeing that comment after
every one of your posts. Guess you wouldn¼t be my interstate doppelganger otherwise. Also, I wanted to let you
241
know that I¼m extremely happy that you and Marianne are so in love. Both of you deserve it.
panoptican (2004-02-20 21:54:33) Re:
Heh, and that is exactly why I don¼t post comment after comment praising you. But this deserved a comment.
obsidion knight (2004-02-17 09:39:32)
I don¼t ususally like your writing or poems, they¼re just not the style I like. But I enjoyed this thoroughly. Beautiful.
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:35:05) Re:
Thanks, Jeremy. I really hope that you¼re feeling better about things. Are you coming home this weekend? Regardless, we should hang out.
stripedcandee (2004-02-17 09:43:26) *dreamy eyed
you make me get all swoony. I wish I could write like that....
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:36:59) Re: *dreamy eyed
I think that if I could pick one adjective to describe myself right now, dreamy eyed would be it. Thanks.
jessocat (2004-02-17 10:15:32)
wow.
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:40:40) Re:
I¼ve loved reading the stuff you¼ve written about this new boy. Hopefully, everything works out just like you want
it to. You should update more, because I love both your writing and hearing about other people¼s love lives. :)
burningtyger (2004-02-17 11:47:52)
Kevin, these have to be about someone, and you should tell that person becuase I swear to you, if you feel this much
love for her, and you let her read this and you let her know the rest of your thoughts, then she will fall in love with
you back.....BUT if this isnt to anyone (or if you insist on that) then, its really good writing, and it almost made me
cry, and did make me gasp.
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:41:56) Re:
Thanks Alex.
lostheaven (2004-02-17 12:23:07)
good stuff kevin, i can relate
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:42:26) Re:
Thanks Jared. I hope things are going well. Let¼s actually talk some time, okay?
loveis2sweet (2004-02-17 12:38:24)
beautiful words. to find pleasure you must first know what pain is....
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:42:41) Re:
So true...
kellykatherine (2004-02-17 14:07:57)
A good writer is one that can make the reader relate. Very good.
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kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:44:00) Re:
Thanks. I think you¼re right about writer-reader relation. That¼s one of the ways that I really want to grow as a
writer: exploring the universal and trying to get it down on paper.
bethyjoy (2004-02-17 16:53:04)
Man, after reading this, I think I want to marry you. Wow. Please tell me you¼ll really send this to her.
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:46:48) Re:
Thanks Beth. And, yes, she has seen this. If I couldn¼t express these feelings to her, I think I¼d combust. :)
gummybearbay (2004-02-17 21:40:48) Brilliant.
I¼ve never really commented on your journal before, but we¼re on each others friends list, so I thought I needed
to say something about your writing. This is brilliant. Truly. It¼s very rare to find someone who can convey the
feelings of love like this... Brilliant.
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:47:22) Re: Brilliant.
Thank you so much... it makes my day to receive compliments like that.
milkmansmeagol (2004-02-17 21:59:16)
Dude i didn¼t know u smoked
kevincarter (2004-02-20 03:48:51) Re:
I try only to smoke occasionally, usually in moments of desperation. A cigarette every once in a while can be an
amazingly pleasurable guilty pleasure.
milkmansmeagol (2004-02-17 21:59:50)
anyway this is some good stuff. screw my sonnets.
kevincarter (2004-02-20 04:12:52) Re:
Thanks, Nick, but don¼t screw your sonnets. Keep writing, no matter what.
secret tears (2004-02-18 19:53:43)
i agree with all them up there ˆˆ- this is by far my favorite entry of yours :) x. liss
kevincarter (2004-02-20 04:13:59) Re:
Thanks Liss. I really appreciate that.
maisnolemot (2004-02-25 22:41:55) wow
that is truly beautiful, soo fitting to the mood im in right now as well ;) *gives you a cookie*
loverlymle (2004-03-20 21:12:25)
you get more compliments on your writing than anyone i have ever met. but, they are well-deserved compliments.
you¼re writing puts mine to shame.
pushyouaround (2004-03-30 14:34:36)
”Why I Loved You On The Dancefloor” is that yours?
heathyrre (2004-04-14 00:00:55)
Ooh my. I just realized with a jolt where the lyrics on your user info page is from. I love The Postal Service and that
243
song is my favorite on ”Give Up”. I feel a bit dimwitted for not realizing its origins sooner. :)
captainmplanet (2005-10-02 06:36:58)
I just read this again (Jason showed me this entry a long time ago), and it made me cry. I¼m crying still
as I write this. All I can really think to say is...wow. You¼re an incredible writer, Kevin.
2.3
2.3.1
April
(2004-04-25 08:30)
So, I haven’t updated this in a really long time, mostly because I thought that spending so much time online
is unhealthy. Which it is, in fact, but not posting on LiveJournal anymore didn’t stop me from using the
computer just as much. It just meant that I read infinitely more [1]pretentious online music reviews and
reloaded my friends page twice as often as normal instead of doing worthwhile things like honing my writing.
I’ve realized lately that I miss doing this, and then I realized tonight that I didn’t have to miss it anymore.
This is a place where I’m able to write to other people and read other people’s writing, both of which are
some of my favorite things to do. Which means I’m back at it. The Internet is great if you use it correctly
and awful if you use it incorrectly. I want to start using it correctly again. Eventually. First, though, I have
to write this inane post.
I promise that I’ll post stuff that I’ve been writing, thinking, and doing soon. But for now, pseudo-satirical,
self-consciously emo pictures that I took with [2]Andrew and [3]Adam will have to suffice, since I’ve pretended to look like Jack Kerouac for a bit too long. Attention whoring begins... now. (Like it didn’t begin
the first day I started this thing.)
1. http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/
2. http://www.livejournal.com/users/abstractpianos
3. http://www.livejournal.com/users/ecredes
abstractpianos (2004-04-25 07:38:41)
First comment in a Kevin post. On a more serious note, I must say: ”The Internet is great if you use it correctly
and awful if you use it incorrectly.” I heavily agree with this statement. Unfortunately, I¼m still debating
244
whether I am using it correctly or incorrectly. However, the main solution to my problem is that I need to spend less
time on it. By the way, good night of taking pictures.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 14:20:02)
By the way, good night of taking pictures. Agreed. It was a good night in general. Seriously, how could we
fail to have a great time after coming up with both the best short story and community ever? Speaking of which,
the night¼s still going for me, since I still haven¼t slept yet. I can¼t believe you wimped out on me. And you call
yourself an insomniac. I think I may have mentioned this before, but nice icon. Did you add a filter to it
at all, or is it just monochrome?
corvidae (2004-04-25 14:25:39)
Looks like there¼s a paint daub or some such filter on his icon... I know I¼ve used a filter that makes images look
like that anyway, I just can¼t remember what it¼s called. Way to not sleep. Although I¼ve barely had sleep,
technically..
kevincarter (2004-04-25 14:35:21)
Yeah. The coffee sort of kept me going. I¼ll probably sleep through class tomorrow at this rate. And one of you
people should teach me how to use Photoshop, because I¼m still running on a really old version of PSP.
mycalliope (2004-04-25 14:59:02)
yeah, you really need to move to photoshop. its sooo much better.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:33:38)
If you use Photoshop to edit the pictures you¼ve been doing, I¼m definitely making the switch.
abstractpianos (2004-04-25 18:21:39)
I added a filter to it, actually, although I can¼t seem to recall which one. I believe my process was desaturating
it, fiddling with the contrast and brightness, and then applying the filter from the ”Artistic” menu. At least, I
believe that¼s how it went. Those last few hours before I passed out are not easy to remember. Hey, you had
more coffee than I did. I had every reason to pass out before you.
mycalliope (2004-04-25 19:10:31)
in my opinion photoshop is the only way to go. unless your computer is too slow to run it, because then its a
pain in the ass to do anything.
pugofwar (2004-04-25 08:49:18)
As per your request, here is some ATTENTION. *hands over expertly
wrapped parcel* Enjoy.
<center>LONG LIVE KC9000XL!</CENTER>
kevincarter (2004-04-25 14:29:29)
And long live the PUG OF WAR! Glad you fell for the ol¼ Newcastle and Parker Posey trick. Works every
time. Are you rocking out to The Shins again when they come in May? If so, we should go and show those headbobbing scenesters how to have fun at a concert.
obsidion knight (2004-04-25 08:50:30)
kevins back in the hizouse!!!! good pictures, except for the one where you have your legs wrapped around the pillow...
it looks like you¼re trying to have sex with it... unsuccessfully.
245
kevincarter (2004-04-25 14:40:53)
Thanks Jeremy. Actually, the angle of the picture¼s a little weird. Both of my legs aren¼t wrapped around the
pillow; it¼s my arms and my leg. But you¼re right; it looks really strange. Sorry the party didn¼t work out today.
We¼ll have to have one soon to make up for it.
pipster uwyo (2004-04-25 09:14:51)
I was just going to email you and see what¼s up. It¼s great to see a Kevin update, especially one with pictures as
I was beginning to forget what you look like. :)
kevincarter (2004-04-25 14:47:47)
Yeah, it felt good to post again. When are you coming back from Laramie? Sounds you¼re having a great time up
there, which is awesome. Whenever it is, we¼ll definitely have to hang out soon.
pipster uwyo (2004-04-25 16:50:44)
I¼ll be back the end of June. And you¼re right, we should most definitely hang out. :)
mokeyonwheels (2004-04-25 09:44:50) you got me.
whoa kevin, is this post? astounding! anyhow, mmm, interesting pictures. you sure do love the pillow, eh? i
sure am glad you¼re back to posting. have a great day. -meghkevincarter (2004-04-25 14:53:54) Re: you got me.
you sure do love the pillow, eh? Haha, I thought it would be the archetypal emo pose to use, cuddled up
with a pillow. Thanks for the welcome back, and I¼ll talk to you soon.
secret tears (2004-04-25 10:14:09)
its been awhile! missed this.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 14:56:17)
Hey Liss. You¼re right; it has been a while. Even though I haven¼t been updating lately, I¼ve really enjoyed
reading the stuff you¼ve been posting. So, keep doing it. :)
dive (2004-04-25 10:19:18) interesting..
you sure as hell are older than last time i saw you. -dive
noodleboi (2004-04-25 11:42:51) Re: interesting..
I second that. Then again, last Kev pic I saw was probably one from 3 or 4 years ago... :P
dive (2004-04-25 13:05:52) Re: interesting..
probably more like 5ish for me. it¼s been a damn long while. i suppose we all look a good bit older. heh.. the
good ole days. -dive
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:03:21) Re: interesting..
Haha... I was looking for the old IF picture site the other day. What I said to Daniel goes for you too; we should
definitely catch up on everything that¼s new in our lives. I mean, we read each other¼s journals, but it¼s not
quite the same. Great hearing from you.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:01:14) Re: interesting..
Jesus, it¼s been way too long. Before any of us were in high school. I¼m hearing rumors of a Gathering circa-1998
246
for oldbies coming up soon. It would be fun to talk to everyone and see what they¼re up to. We should seriously
catch up sometime. My AIM screenname is ¼shotintoeternity,¼ so IM me sometime.
chatjam (2004-04-25 12:33:25)
it¼s good to hear from you again. i¼m really looking fwd to reading your writings. and, it¼s the first time that i
saw your face, gotta say that in the first picture you¼re looking like a young dennis quaid, which is something cool :)
miraminn (2004-04-25 13:17:01)
You *do* look a lot like a younger version of Dennis Quaid. Pretty nifty; I hadn¼t seen what you looked like for
eons. ;)
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:11:29)
Hey Vic, it¼s been forever. I¼ve really missed talking to you and the rest of the Georgia crew. We should fix that.
I love reading your journal, like I love reading your writing in general. So, we should reminisce about the ¼Con
and everything in between soon. AIM: shotintoeternity.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:07:11)
it¼s good to hear from you again. i¼m really looking fwd to reading your writings. Thanks, man. Likewise. I really enjoy reading most of yours, and as far as the rest goes, I just wish I could read Turkish. gotta say
that in the first picture you¼re looking like a young dennis quaid Hey, I¼ve never heard that before, but I¼ll
definitely take it as a compliment. Thanks a lot. :)
ecredes (2004-04-25 14:00:37)
i fucking told you the pillow was a retarded idea.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:14:13)
Haha... it seems like you¼re in the majority. Just think of all the laughter you got out of it, and I think you¼ll
agree that it all worked out for the good. Personally, I think deleting all the jpgs on the FTP server was a retarded
idea, but that¼s just me. (Just kidding; thanks for reuploading them.)
ecredes (2004-04-25 15:28:26)
for one...it all worked out for the good sounds retarded in it self...and for two...i¼m not the retard that told the
fucking ftp program to auto connect to your webspace...ass.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:32:07)
it all worked out for the good sounds retarded in it self You¼re absolutely right. I blame lack of sleep.
”It worked out well in the long run” is better. i¼m not the retard that told the fucking ftp program to auto
connect to your webspace Just one more reason to hate computers.
ecredes (2004-04-25 15:28:58)
..and you¼re welcome.
i still have your piano book.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:17:04)
Awesome. I can¼t wait to learn those songs, now that my wrist is better. But I expect you to play ”Comptine d¼un
Autre Ete: L¼apres Midi” for me as payment for letting you borrow the book. Also, I really wanted to come to the
Honors Journal ceremony to hear you read, but I couldn¼t make it. Next year, I¼m planning on submitting pieces,
247
so maybe we¼ll end up reading on the same stage. :)
whitcomb (2004-04-25 14:09:42)
Sorry if I¼m missing the point, here, but I just wanted to say that I intend to kill you so I can steal that shirt.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:22:33)
Haha, thanks, but there¼s really no need.
You can get one for $14.95.
I made it on <a
href=”http://www.zazzle.com”>Zazzle.com</a>, an online t-shirt/posters/coffee cups/everything shop. You can
get the shirt I designed <a href=”http://www.zazzle.com/products/product/product.asp?searching=o n &searching %5Fsearch %5Fcolumns= %2A &searching %5Fsearch %5Fcondition=godspeed &caching=on &product
%5Fid=235656911038072216 &index=2”>right here</a>, or if you prefer, there¼s an alternate design <a
href=”http://www.zazzle.com/products/product/product.asp?searching=o n &searching %5Fsearch %5Fcolumns=
%2A &searching %5Fsearch %5Fcondition=godspeed &caching=on &product %5Fid=235795875047605825 &index=1”>here</a>. I¼m sure it¼s illegal, but oh well.
cast predicate (2004-04-25 15:20:47)
I saw you at Denny¼s last night/ really freaking early in the morning. Wanted to say hi, but realized we¼ve never
talked before, so I just smiled at you.
kevincarter (2004-04-25 15:29:18)
I did the exact same thing. Next time we run into each other, I¼ll definitely say hi. :)
rachymac (2004-04-25 16:05:01)
ooooh baby i wish you loved me as much as you love that pillow! *r
kevincarter (2004-04-25 16:35:48)
Haha... thanks, Rachael.
goldenburning (2004-04-25 17:17:24)
Emo? Yes. However, they¼re still really cool... I guess I have a secret soft spot for the emo-ness. I¼m really glad
you¼re posting again, your writing is fantastic. You can never leave the internet for very long; it always pulls you
back...
kevincarter (2004-04-26 07:03:00)
Thanks, Annie. Even though the words ”Emo? Yes.” struck pain into my heart. And god knows that will
just make me that much more of a Chris Carrabba fanatic. (Kidding, kidding.) I think this means you have to start
posting again too. Talk to you soon.
yesthatems (2004-04-25 18:10:46) Mine eye is much enamoured of thy shape
Holy god, you¼re hot. Or maybe it¼s just me. But you look way sexier than in the last picture I saw of you...which
was two years ago, but forsooth. Hearts, stars, and horseshoes; Ems
ecredes (2004-04-25 18:14:06) Re: Mine eye is much enamoured of thy shape
i agree.
kevincarter (2004-04-26 07:10:34) Re: Mine eye is much enamoured of thy shape
Everyone should go check out Adam¼s pictures too.
<a href=”http://www.livejournal.com/users/ecredes/40167.html #cutid1”>Emo like whoa</a>.
248
ecredes (2004-04-26 08:53:11) Re: Mine eye is much enamoured of thy shape
thanks a lot kevin!!1
kevincarter (2004-04-26 07:06:05) Re: Mine eye is much enamoured of thy shape
Oh, come on. You know you liked the scraggly, awkward, neo-hippie look. But thank you, even if I know you¼re
absolutely lying through your teeth. :)
burningtyger (2004-04-25 19:24:39) YAY!!
See i knew if i gave you enough shit that you would post, so thank you, now only 2 more to go and i will be able to
post again, and i agree with all the people who said you were hot in those pictures, cuz you are, but don¼t give that
pillow too much loving, somebody might get jealous. :) bye!
kevincarter (2004-04-26 07:14:21) Re: YAY!!
So, even after all that trouble, I still don¼t get to see your new poetry? Lame. i agree with all the people who
said you were hot in those pictures, cuz you are That statement is so ridiculous that I¼m not even going to
dignify it with a response. Somehow, I think if people had to pick between looking at either me or Jack, they¼d go
with the latter. :)
groupie supreme (2004-04-26 14:04:26)
Oh, I¼m sure some would beg to differ.
kevincarter (2004-04-26 21:04:24)
Oh, Alisha, you¼re my favorite today (and always).
mooseka (2004-04-25 20:11:48)
Haha, holy shit I like how you got a million comments.
kevincarter (2004-04-26 07:15:22)
Haha... keep in mind that over half of them are my responses. :)
vivianblank (2004-04-26 07:42:12)
such a doll...
kevincarter (2004-04-26 21:07:45)
Thank you so much. Trust me, you¼re far too kind. :)
gatari85 (2004-04-26 11:13:49)
im glad you¼re back!
kevincarter (2004-04-26 21:09:33)
Thanks Chelsea! I¼m really going to enjoy writing in here again.
lostheaven (2004-04-26 17:25:48)
You are the internet King. Look at all those replies. One of these weekends, we¼ll get together again. Mark my
words, one of these weekends.
kevincarter (2004-04-26 21:25:18)
Oh, the Internet King. I¼m surprised it isn¼t a more widely sought after title. I think it belongs to Dallas Lynn,
anyway. And that weekend better be really soon.
249
forsberg21 (2004-04-26 19:32:22)
The pillow is funny. *grin*
kevincarter (2004-04-26 21:31:57)
And you, Jen, are mean. :)
forsberg21 (2004-04-26 21:56:57)
Naaahhhh... am I? ;) I sure like a few of the shots, really though!
wake up donnie (2004-04-26 22:26:48) HaHa
I just wanted to post to tell you, ”Hey”. And I¼m post # 64, you lucky bastard. By the way, thanks for the great
evening the other night. You really know how to show a group a good time
kevincarter (2004-04-27 02:26:31) Re: HaHa
Hey back, Brandon. The other night was really, really fun. We should do it more often. Summer¼s on its way, so
we¼ll actually have an opportunity to do that. Group is italicized for good reason. Looking forward to more games
of Name That Obscure Tune; the next mix CD I make is going to be really tough. See you soon.
lunar endeavor (2004-04-28 01:33:10) Hey hey.
Do I know you? I¼ve been randomly friended lately by strangers and acquaintances alike, so my brain fuzzes and I
have to check. *Heh* Though I admit, I¼m thinking not.
kevincarter (2004-04-28 12:46:50) Re: Hey hey.
Hey. No, you don¼t know me, but I read your posts in <lj user=”greatpoets”> and <lj user=”literaryquotes”>,
checked out your journal, and decided to add you. Plus, you¼re friends with <lj user=”arundel”> and <lj
user=”pushyouaround”>, who are both awesome.
elegia (2004-04-29 09:28:57)
You added me and I am definitely adding you back ;) I know exactly what you mean about reloading friends¼ pages
*guilt*
kevincarter (2004-06-04 00:04:05)
I haven¼t responded to this comment for way too long thanks to my webmail spam filter (which apparently filters
non-spam at will), but your poem ”Dark Messages” is AMAZING.
elegia (2004-06-05 00:10:32)
Wow, thank you :)
fireroses (2004-04-30 20:12:54)
you seem interesting I like what Ive read so far May our eyes meet someday
kevincarter (2004-06-04 00:02:01)
Thanks... I¼ve really enjoyed reading your journal so far. :)
coalproximity (2004-05-10 15:48:59)
here¼s to another ”you-looked-interesting-so-I-friended-you-back” post. peace.
kevincarter (2004-06-04 00:07:57)
Ditto! :)
250
crayon rosary (2004-06-03 01:14:58)
well...you added me and don¼t know me, but that¼s cool. i guess i¼ll talk to you if you write back (like you say
you do!) just so i know i¼m not wasting my time. oh...and all the other girls are writing to you because they think
you¼re hott! love
kevincarter (2004-06-04 00:18:45)
I promise that no one thinks I¼m hott. Particularly with two t¼s, which (ostensibly) indicates an entire extra
consonant of hotness. Thanks for writing, and I hope I have the chance to write back a lot. :)
crayon rosary (2004-06-04 16:44:07)
well i guess some people jump to conclusions once they see a picture. for example: i take many pictures of myself
however i only keep the really hott ones. so by doing this i create the illusion that i am hott (with 2 t¼s). figuratively
speaking everyone could be doing this just so people will talk to them and could...well... be frankenstein-ish! love
ps. i hope you write back too! also, 7 people who posted like you/think your hott...
2.4
2.4.1
July
(2004-07-02 05:24)
I will never forget.
obsidion knight (2004-07-02 13:03:12)
so kevin... how¼d that camping trip go? :-*
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:05:34)
That is a story in itself which leads to multiple other stories that may be told at some point. Sorry for being cryptic,
but it¼s necessary.
honestthistime (2004-07-02 18:17:52)
geez, are you sure? i think you¼ve forgotten me!... hehe.. soobbsobb
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:07:43)
Hey, the feeling¼s mutual! I¼d really like to try your ten word poem technique soon, but after reading the results,
I know that you¼d win the contest every time.
honestthistime (2004-08-05 21:33:25)
oh whatever! Mine are whatever pops out of my head in 3 minutes or less! You should play with me! Here I will
start: cram strut fly sway wobble silly mutual attentive shy seen
mokeyonwheels (2004-07-02 21:07:14)
Kevin. Carter.
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:10:00)
Meghomala. Chakrabarti. Let¼s talk soon. I have serious explaining to do.
251
mokeyonwheels (2004-07-17 02:59:10)
I dont need your explanations. Just talking to you is enough.
definitiveirony (2004-07-02 21:56:41)
He lives. (I was beginning to doubt your existance) *I¼m Sara, and you¼re Kevin...
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:11:09)
Hi Sara. I really do exist. And this journal is going to get more use. Really. It¼s nice meeting you.
lostheaven (2004-07-02 22:46:31)
Holy shit! He posts! Dude, if you need to talk about anything I¼m always here. Just don¼t call my cellphone.
3034231504
lostheaven (2004-07-03 02:50:06)
Where the fuck are you Kevin? Seriously you need to give me a call tonight.
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:12:59)
Thanks, Jared.
2punkrock4this (2004-07-03 06:24:04)
hey there, add me :)
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:13:58)
Just did.
tehrellianmel (2004-07-03 19:30:42)
That makes it sound an awful lot like you¼re never posting in your journal again...
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:14:49)
That¼s not the case, seriously. I¼ll explain in a post a bit later tonight.
pushyouaround (2004-07-03 22:53:21)
you do not post enough.
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:15:33)
Neither do you. P.S. Your poetry is amazing.
pushyouaround (2004-07-09 01:47:13)
i post all the time. p.s. thank you...so much.
yesthatems (2004-07-04 01:53:54)
Is this the post you were telling me about that was forced out of you at gunpoint? Or is someone dead? Be more
specific, damn you.
yesthatems (2004-07-04 03:32:59)
Someone other than Marlon Brando. I know, I was sad too. Actually, I think Marlon died at 27. The CIA assassinated him in secret and replaced him with an interloper.
252
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:16:31)
Yes. Yes. Specificity is overrated. (Plus, now you know.)
burningtyger (2004-07-05 05:47:18)
YOU BITCH THAT IS NOT AN UPDATE!! IM GONNA KILL YOU!! i tryed to call you tonight by the way, thanks
for not answering!! Yes tell me about this camping trip as well, i would like to hear the story.
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:17:42)
I¼m the lame one this time. I¼ll make up for it soon.
burningtyger (2004-07-09 16:36:39)
Hey, it sucks that we couldn¼t hang out before I left...and you never told me if you were for sure going to New
York, because if you don¼t you know I will be extremely sad, Spencer and I both...so get back to me on that soon
k?
pretty fish (2004-07-05 17:57:48)
Just wondering, how¼d you find my journal to friend me? I like to know before I friend, it makes me feel specialer ;)
kevincarter (2004-07-09 01:20:49)
<lj user=”literaryquotes”>. That and your interest in Franny and Zooey.
pretty fish (2004-07-09 03:24:04)
ah. I do love that book.
milkmansmeagol (2004-07-10 06:04:27)
i know the story and it¼s a good one. Freaking sweet icon dude, it¼s like a creepy shadow lurking vampire. good
post though.
(2004-07-10 09:26:44) Kevin
where the fuck have you been recently, youve gone all not answery on your phone despite the numerous messages me
and alex have left and i miss ever so much this is spencer by the way in case you didnt know and just forgot
loveis2sweet (2004-07-11 05:04:20)
kevin kevin kevin... how the hell are ya?
crayon rosary (2004-07-18 05:11:26)
wow...lucky you...everyone wants to talk to the great and powerful kevin! check your e-mail...i left threats! i almost
came to your house! love
clarablue (2004-08-06 07:17:48)
hello mr. kevin carter. you talked to my seester and i am adding your face.
kevincarter (2004-08-07 16:59:43)
Your face is added. In the face.
253
2.5
2.5.1
August
Phone Post (2004-08-07 13:41)
heathyrre (2004-08-07 21:16:48)
I can¼t hear it :(
heathyrre (2004-08-11 06:35:19)
i want to talk to you right now. you need to magically know this, and call me.
jessocat (2004-08-07 21:23:32)
you should get online and talk to my face.
captainmplanet (2004-08-07 22:34:50)
Ooooh Amelie. But, but, aren¼t you gonna give us an update?
yesthatems (2004-08-08 02:21:09)
That¼s the sound cue for Hermione¼s descent from the pedestal! This music makes my knees happy. Thank you
for sharing. (La Redécouverte is the snowglobe music...track 16).
maisnolemot (2004-08-08 03:25:31) *gasp.....tear falls down cheek*
absolutely love it!! it¼s beautiful ˆ ˆ thanks for posting it :D
pushyouaround (2004-08-08 05:15:30)
that was really pretty. i¼m glad i could have the time to listen.
obsidianfawn (2004-08-09 18:54:29)
Way to be a loser Kevin. Harharhar!
obsidion knight (2004-08-10 02:15:49)
haha!!! agreed!!!!! anyways... kevin, were you at the airport at 7:15 on monday night?!?!
groupie supreme (2004-08-13 01:59:54)
This would sound better over the phone.
yesthatems (2004-08-14 04:46:13)
Hi.
beingtheremag (2004-08-17 18:53:17)
I truly hope you don¼t mind this unsolicited post, but I noticed you were interested in Stephin Merritt, among
others, and thought you might be interested in a new music and film magazine, Being There. One of our feature articles this month is on Stephin Merritt. Check it out: <a href=”http://www.beingtheremag.com”><img
src=”http://www.beingtheremag.com/images/logo.gif”></a>
psychotik (2004-08-24 17:27:01)
please take these questions/comments as sincere, though i fear they may sound otherwise. is this another ”indie”
magazine that trashes (or ignores) anything that¼s ”mainstream,” even if it¼s good? i¼m just curious. as someone
really interested in music and film journalism, these things are important to me.
254
beingtheremag (2004-08-24 17:33:05)
Thanks for your question. The short answer is that no, we don¼t write off everything in the mainstream as crap.
However, we are trying to provide a more equal representation of the music and film world than what you would
normally read about in mainstream press. You are just as likely to find a piece on REM, for instance, as you are
Stephin Merritt. You¼ll find our first issue combines the more mainstream (Fahrenheit 9/11, The Beatles, Bill
Clinton¼s book, and Franz Ferdinand) with the more obscure (Stephin Merritt, Joel Plaskett, Before Sunset, and
Juliana Hatfield). We will however avoid such things as Britney Spears, reality TV, and the latest Brenden Fraser
movie. I hope that answers your question :)
psychotik (2004-08-24 19:10:22)
it does. i just get really annoyed with the number of ”pretentious indie mags” out there that are snotty and narrowminded. it gets just as boring as the entertainment section of the times (and that¼s pretty boring). i
liked the story on TMBG a lot. they¼re so funny. where are you guys based? (sorry i just jumped in here, but i
figured you wouldn¼t mind.)
beingtheremag (2004-08-24 19:31:31)
Understandable. We¼re trying to provide a well-rounded and intelligent music and film magazine. If you like what
you¼ve seen, please spread the word, as at this point we¼re relying pretty heavily on word of mouth advertising.
Also, any feedback would be appreciated :) We¼re primarily located in Toronto, though we have an affiliate staff
member in NYC, and the TMBG piece was written by a freelancer from Dallas.
psychotik (2004-08-24 17:24:03)
i tried to look for you in class today, but never saw you. regardless, i wanted to say happy birthday. cheers.
A PHONE POST?! You said that there would be something interesting... Anyway, my history class was moved to
the stadium, so I will not actually be running into you in the Education building. I cannot believe that I am actually
adding to your collection of posts. I disgust myself. Anyway, we will have to convee in some other, more efficient
manner...But just so you know, I am NOT avoiding you; I have no control over where my class meets. Have a lovely
day!
forsberg21 (2004-08-25 20:05:11)
Whoa! Totally cool!
forsberg21 (2004-08-25 20:05:42)
(is it your birthday????)
whitcomb (2004-09-08 18:25:24)
Uh... I guess you might¼ve disabled comments because you weren¼t opening yourself up for criticism on the latest
entry, but I really liked it. The wordplay in the first stanza was a little cliche (I couldn¼t tell if you meant it to be
or not), but otherwise it ¼spoke to me¼, as the kids say.
2.6
2.6.1
September
(2004-09-11 15:15)
”Adam’s State”
255
I am in Adam’s State,
The Stated State at least.
And I choose fruit.
Not the fruit of the Spirit,
But the fruit of the serpentine.
Humbert hums humorously. Ha.
There are options.
It is not Either/Or.
I’m playing the same name game as him,
Wracked and wrecked by guilt,
Trying to make sense of license plates
And motel guestbooks.
If I eliminated guilt,
Belief is then supposed.
The Two-Part Inventions Of J.S. Bach.
Getting Yours.
The violent bear it away.
I will not bear it away.
I will bare it away;
There will be no faith.
The duality
Of the creations.
I will not presuppose belief.
There are no more Signs
Or Sins.
This poem is my sign.
milkmansmeagol (2004-09-12 04:45:58)
the only part of that i understood was the part about your hallucinigetic night.
kevincarter (2004-09-14 16:46:05)
Then you understood a great deal of it. The poem has to do with my tendency to do Christological readings of life
rather than books, which is a really fucking terrifying thing that I advise you never to do.
burningtyger (2004-09-12 07:36:21) B E A U T I F U L
Bewitching Enticing Alluring Unique Tantalizing Impressive Freeing Uncanny Lovely Yeah I liked it a lot, can you
tell?
kevincarter (2004-09-14 16:46:34) Re: B E A U T I F U L
Thank you, Alex. :)
256
ecredes (2004-09-12 20:03:26)
in EQ there was an item called the ”Serpentine Bracer” its stats were...1 armor class 9 dexterity and 3 agility...i had
a pair of them for a while, i pwnd.
kevincarter (2004-09-14 16:47:53)
One of the best comments on a poem I have ever received, seriously. Hey, let¼s hang out soon!
daredevilninja (2004-09-13 08:27:13)
is humpert and the first part of that in reference to lolita, i just thought i¼d ask, but now that i have im afraid i was
perhaps mistaken, so i hope it is, otherwise i have made foolish of your little poem and apologize
kevincarter (2004-09-14 17:00:51)
You¼re exactly right. The first part is definitely in reference to Lolita. Nabokov fans unite! :)
2.6.2
(2004-09-11 15:16)
”Faith”
I had choices.
I chose to unjoice
With my voice
And rejoice in the beauty
Of lucid, omnipotent dreams
And photos of moonlit streetlamps.
I chose to rejoice
In the dreaming
And in the Dreamers.
Singing from a Satanic hymnal,
I will not fall upon my knees
In the assembly.
Ad Gloriam. Ad Majorem Lucifer Gloriam.
Just like Milton said He said:
”To do aught good never will be our task,
But ever to do ill our sole delight,
As being the contrary to his high will
Whom we resist. If then his Providence
Out of our evil seek to bring forth good,
Our labour must be to pervert that end,
And out of good still to find means of evil;
Which oft-times may succeed, so as perhaps
Shall grieve him, if I fail not, and disturb
His inmost counsels from thir destin’d aim.”
Lucifer is Sisyphus.
Christianity forbids deviation.
257
Christianity forbids non-conformity.
Christianity requires complete submission to the teachings
Of a not-man not-god that didn’t exist.
(Just ask Josephus.)
Suspension of logic.
Even my supposed conversion is explained as
”A personal subjective experience.”
I defined it that way,
Because my psychosis was an act.
Just a piece of
Performance Art.
Method acting is living.
My psychosis was following
The illogical premise
To its illogical conclusion.
My father called me insane
When he called the police
When I had the experience
He told me
Was most important to have.
My Father would not be a father.
If he was. My father is not a father.
My Father is not a Father.
My Father is the Magic Feather.
My Father is the Heavenly Colorado River,
Because God’s Colorado River would be heavenly.
My Father is vomiting water and ambrosiac smoothies
Into a toilet with a noose.
A toilet with a noose.
It is a hallucination,
Either/Or.
”Pick the Prime Mover.”
There are too many Prime Movers.
I am the Prime Mover of these words.
I bowed on my knees
To the female Gods on the couch,
Necessarily contradicting myself on every level,
Taking the communion of irrationalism,
Drinking His Body and Blood.
(Because the others are Gods too,
Because we are Gods.
Because God allowed us to be Gods
By becoming Sons of God.)
And all the other Godmatic bullshit.
I swore not to glut my sorrows on grape-stem words,
But on the Grapevine.
”I will glut my sorrows
On the Grapevine,” I said,
258
And contemplated my breakfast transfiguration
And the heroic conversion of the night,
Where I willed myself to be crucified
By my Father on a coffee table cross.
(He picked it up and shook the leg.
I hallucinated it if it didn’t happen,
Unable to rely on my nonsensical senses.)
I stared at the lamp.
I kept my eyes on
The horizon.
I saw fire where they were burning the nails
Into my hand,
When they lifted me up like Peter
To be crucified upside-down.
I would have done it.
I cried out, ”I will be Shot Into Eternity,
by this Leap Of Faith.”
I called out their names,
The names of the demons,
Like it was some sick Frank Peretti novel.
”Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies.”
”Sit down, I command you in the Name Of Jesus Christ
To sit down!”
They held me down.
I was fighting for eternal life,
Following the straight and narrow,
Which was holding my nose to the carpet,
Attempting to climb Jacob’s ladder,
With my heavenly heartrate
Beating desperately.
(I spit on the faces of the devils,
Red ”Paul” in EMT uniform.)
Thinking it was a grotesque parody,
My descent into Hell began and continued.
I was only regrounded when I realized
That Faith did not matter.
If anyone had Faith,
I had it that day.
That unholy mantra:
The substance of things hoped for,
The evidence of things not seen.
Now I have seen God,
And God lives in an asylum.
dive (2004-09-11 22:14:58)
and here i though your only talent was using 16 colors and rectangles to create artwork. impressive yet again, mr.
anderson. i like what i read.
259
kevincarter (2004-09-12 00:41:31)
Some of us should seriously start making ZZT games again. Let¼s start a company! Revive ZZTek. Thanks for the
compliment. I¼m going to drop you an e-mail later tonight if you¼re not online. :)
yesthatems (2004-09-12 00:30:11)
Hey. I know this story. But nothing about pomegranates, which is strange.
kevincarter (2004-09-12 00:40:15)
That¼s because you¼re not Ada.
yesthatems (2004-09-12 01:42:24)
Who am I then? Lucifer? And you know, scholars are now saying that the fruit in the Garden of Eden was not
actually a pomegranate, but a tangelo.
kevincarter (2004-09-12 01:57:48)
No, you¼re not Lucifer. Not everything is about you. And I don¼t like tangelos. They¼re an ugli fruit.
yesthatems (2004-09-12 02:43:21)
I know. I just like to pretend that something is. Don¼t hate the tangelos. They don¼t hate you.
mokeyonwheels (2004-09-12 04:20:58)
you seem quite inspired lately. it¼s beauty.
kevincarter (2004-09-14 20:01:53)
Thank you Megh. I¼m sorry I haven¼t replied to your e-mail yet. I really couldn¼t think of a way to do it. But
soon.
mokeyonwheels (2004-09-14 20:02:44)
I was silently hurt. But that¼s okay. I¼ll wait.
milkmansmeagol (2004-09-12 04:44:37)
You are good. I understood a lot more. And if I didn¼t know you I would be offended. But to each his own.
kevincarter (2004-09-14 20:02:21)
No offense meant to you, Nick. Just to Christendom.
burningtyger (2004-09-12 07:18:47)
So does this mean you don¼t believe in God? So does this mean you don¼t have any faith?? So does this mean you
aren¼t going to be a priest??? hehe. I¼m silly.
kevincarter (2004-09-14 20:32:07)
You got it. :)
pukegreenpoetry (2004-09-12 18:49:11)
Wow, Kevin, this is really beautiful. i don¼t even know what else to say–i love it :) i really like ”Because God allowed
us to be Gods By becoming Sons of God”. Geeze. keep writing this stuff like your life depends on it!
groupie supreme (2004-09-12 23:02:13)
I think his life does depend on it.
260
kevincarter (2004-09-14 20:33:30)
cue dramatic DUM-DUM-DUUUUUUMMMM*
kevincarter (2004-09-14 20:32:43)
Thank you Lauren!
2.6.3
(2004-09-14 10:26)
When we had both admitted it all,
We threw our heads back,
& we laughed until we cried.
We laughed
because the world is absurd & beautiful & small.
–Ani
clarablue (2004-09-14 18:40:33)
there we were washed up on the curb as the rush hour traffic went out with the tide and i was aware that with every
word spoken and shared i could see her shaking subside i said sister looks to me like you¼re going to be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine
kevincarter (2004-09-14 20:30:41)
I dug up all of her old albums and listened to them this morning, singing in the dorm shower. The boys in the
bathroom gave me dirty looks afterwards.
clarablue (2004-09-14 21:41:45)
you dont have to like me for who i am ill see what youre made of by what you make of me.
kevincarter (2004-09-15 04:28:45)
Thank you. I forget that all too often. Isn¼t she wonderful?
clarablue (2004-09-15 07:01:45)
life-changing-ly so.
2.6.4
(2004-09-14 13:55)
Bare feet tiptoeing in and out of sandals. Shoestars and cars and bars. I will love to love, not to possess.
My mouth has been closed for too long, and this is my awakening. You are my awakening, and I will never
leave you for the spiritual, because you are the spiritual. You are the aesthetic, too. You are my aesthetic.
We are curled up, sending letters to each other with our kisses. The back of your neck is the poem. We
recollect and collect our emotions in perfect tranquility. Thighs on thighs, twin on twin. And you have taken
away my fear. (Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no Evil, for you are
with me.) So I kiss your wrist and remember you on top of me, red ribbons around my wrists. I am tied to
you and the bedposts as you move down and down and up and up. ”Take your hand away. Take it away.”
I remember my complete submission to your commands, and know that now, I have no choice. And once I
am strong, we will roll around free, on top and on bottom. But as you cough, puffing on a pain-is-pleasure
post-coital cigarette, I remember you feeding me words (and fruit and thank you thank you thank you) while
your knees rested on white linen, straddling, pleasure-delaying, treasure-delaying, our bodies straining to be
261
closer, the ropes pulled tight, muscles clenched.
Until you snip-snap the ropes and we slide together.
wake up donnie (2004-09-14 20:16:19) As Always
Welcome back Carter. It¼s good to see you back in classic form. Your poetry is making me actually want to read
poetry inspite of the fact that we¼re going back over Iambic Pentameter and all that other shit now in my Creative
writing class. Anyway, I thought that this poem was beautiful like the others. Especially liked the mixture of spiritual
and aesthetic.
wake up donnie (2004-09-14 20:18:40) Re: As Always
Though that¼s prose anyway. So nevermind. I like prose.
kevincarter (2004-09-15 05:31:37) Re: As Always
Glad you enjoyed it, Brandon. I never understood why the very first part of most poetry units involved meter. Yes,
it¼s certainly an important thing to know, but beginning poetry students don¼t care. They don¼t care because
it doesn¼t concern them. So, basically, that¼s crap. Drop by whenever. (Isn¼t Boulder awesome?) Oh, and one
more thing: <a href=”http://www.allposters.com/IMAGES/PEPH/JT1C2.jpg”>this</a>.
ecredes (2004-09-14 20:35:22) :-*
Sup Kevin.
kevincarter (2004-09-15 05:32:55) Re: :-*
Hi Adam. No EQ analogy? I¼m devastated. You could start a whole new school of literary theory.
kissladylazarus (2004-09-14 21:23:34)
::smiles::
kevincarter (2004-09-15 05:33:36)
returns the smile*
mokeyonwheels (2004-09-14 21:24:01)
I¼m split between feelings overjoyed at your plethora of new entries, to wondering if they¼ll be as meaningful, since they¼re not longer few and far between. Make them beautiful. Make them worthwhile.
kevincarter (2004-09-15 05:34:07)
I¼ll do my very best.
mokeyonwheels (2004-09-15 14:40:47)
Don¼t worry. You usually do pretty excellent.
wynand (2004-09-14 21:31:21)
I made a post a few days ago along these lines: ”Great art is whatever makes you feel bad about your own abilities.”
This has officially made me feel bad about my own abilities.
gummybearbay (2004-09-15 05:04:02)
Indeed. That is exactly what he does, but in a beautiful way. Haha.
262
kevincarter (2004-09-15 05:35:39)
You don¼t realize the magnitude of this compliment. You really don¼t. I say we keep causing each other cognitive
dissonance until we¼re both published.
xcape reality03 (2004-09-14 22:08:24) how are you Kevin?
You seem to be very ”talkative” these last couple of days. For a while there I thought that you had dropped off the
face of the planet. How are things? Email me sometime, I¼d like to know what¼s goin¼ on. Mollye
kevincarter (2004-09-15 05:51:30) Re: how are you Kevin?
Haha, I have been talkative. Things are good. Boulder is lovely. I am doing things that I really love all the time
lately, including having tea parties, climbing flatirons, attending Rachmaninoff concerts, &c &c &c! What are you
up to? I¼ll talk to you soon.
satya 714 (2004-09-14 23:11:29)
Sweet
kevincarter (2004-09-15 06:02:18)
I totally replied to this comment in person. So, hi Lianna!
milkmansmeagol (2004-09-14 23:34:45)
is this a true story? don¼t lie.
kevincarter (2004-09-15 06:03:42)
No, it¼s not. Well, it sort of is. I wish it was.
secret tears (2004-09-15 02:43:20)
i dont think ill ever get enough of your words. you=beautiful. <3
kevincarter (2004-09-15 06:24:27)
Thank you Liss. I¼ve loved reading your latest poetry. :)
mycalliope (2004-09-15 03:05:55)
How come you almost never respond to people¼s comments on your journal but you responded right away to my
comment on the cu journal? Maybe it was just because you were so excited about the new look I gave you in the
photo :-) I was going to write something about your actual entry, but I have a migraine and my head is not working.
But I like it.
kevincarter (2004-09-15 07:01:59)
Hey, I do respond to people¼s comments on my journal. But your photoshopping was a particularly pressing matter. And thank you. :)
burningtyger (2004-09-15 05:19:08)
I was gonna leave this as annonymous but I couldn¼t :( Wow, that got me all hot and bothered. Don¼t stop Kevin
don¼t stop!!!! Oh by the way, I¼m glad you are back to posting, don¼t stop that either.
kevincarter (2004-09-15 08:16:05)
Thanks Alex. :)
263
lightinjuly (2004-09-16 20:48:00)
Its very good for a sex poem from someone who I don¼t believe has had a lot of sex (correct me if I¼m wrong here)
we still need to meet and have a poetry talk and maybe throw in a game of chess to be extra pretentious. I have free
time late friday afternoon does that work for you?
kevincarter (2004-09-17 07:45:37)
Sorry we didn¼t get in touch last night. Phone tag is terrible, particularly when your cell phone is refusing to work.
Yes, tomorrow definitely works for me. I get off of work at 4, so I could meet you at Buchanan¼s or Penny Lane
or whatever at 4:30 tomorrow. (Buchanan¼s would probably be the most convenient for both of us.) Sound good?
Give me a call at 303-786-4240 or leave a comment and let me know. :)
lightinjuly (2004-09-17 20:16:20)
4:30 Buchanan¼s works for me
kevincarter (2004-09-17 20:32:47)
Awesome. See you there. :)
just likeawoman (2004-09-18 19:41:15)
so i was reading this while sitting in my lonely dorm room. the guys down the hall were blasting horrid music and i
wanted to shoot myself because sometimes i feel like im in the wrong place, and im surrounded by idiots. but i read
this, and even though we are many states away, reading prose like this makes the world feel like there is one less idiot.
they¼ve been replaced. that makes no sense at all. its been a long night. but shit like this makes me happy. i guess
thats all you need to really know.
seasand (2006-04-20 18:30:43)
this is about me. and it still lives here.
2.6.5
264
(2004-09-15 14:44)
heathyrre (2004-09-15 21:21:38)
It¼s like that Grimm fairytale. Though I do believe there were 9 swans in the story.
exquisitepulse (2004-09-15 23:41:34)
he was refering to a song. not the story.
heathyrre (2004-09-16 03:31:11)
i dont care what song he was referring to, i just said it reminded me of the fairytale.
kevincarter (2004-09-17 07:18:35)
I think there were six swans in the Grimm fairytale. Which has that weird sort of Biblical numerological significance
and signification.
burningtyger (2004-09-15 21:45:54)
Seven swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and a partridge in a pear tree. :)
exquisitepulse (2004-09-15 23:42:55)
wrong song.
obsidion knight (2004-09-16 04:51:09)
out of curiosity... how do you know who¼s right and who¼s wrong?
lostheaven (2004-09-16 16:25:38)
I think its more of a religious reference. Not a reference to a song.
kevincarter (2004-09-17 07:22:16)
It¼s definitely both.
kevincarter (2004-09-17 07:21:45)
Twins always know.
burningtyger (2004-09-16 16:38:04)
I can sing whatever I want, thank you very much :)
kevincarter (2004-09-17 07:29:03)
If you knew the story, you would understand the need for the correction.
burningtyger (2004-09-17 15:52:34)
Man, why you gotta go kill my singing....I was doing just fine, and now I¼m never going to sing again, and its all
your fault. lol
mokeyonwheels (2004-09-15 22:03:15)
I do love the way the water looks.
kevincarter (2004-09-17 07:33:41)
So do I. The pixellated effect, intentional or not, is striking. I won¼t be able to do justice to the swans with my
words, so I won¼t try. But there is something very beautiful about the way those trees bend down that really haunts
me after analyzing the photograph. It is probably only significant to me, but I can only think of one person who
would really understand.
265
dive (2004-09-16 05:21:05)
i wish they were crocodiles. the pixilation due to compression in the water is awesome. math meets nature, as it were.
kevincarter (2004-09-17 07:34:16)
Precisely. Dropping you an e-mail after the philosophy assignment is finished.
lostheaven (2004-09-16 05:21:45)
<img src=”http://img15.exs.cx/img15/4606/7seven7.jpg” alt=”Image Hosted by ImageShack.us” /> Although it
isn¼t 7 comments anymore... it was!!!!11one1eleven
dive (2004-09-16 09:11:43)
my fault :(
kevincarter (2004-09-17 07:35:07)
Thank you for taking that screenshot. I really like it.
lightinjuly (2004-09-24 19:22:28)
If you still want to meet today give me a call around 5 or so. I¼ll potentially be napping but can wake up quickly.
2.6.6
(2004-09-18 21:07)
2.6.7
(2004-09-19 15:47)
This rather simple epitaph can save your hide, your fallen mind:
Fate isn’t what we’re up against; there’s no design, no flaws to find.
–James Mercer
266
2.6.8
(2004-09-21 15:50)
”Two young ramblers are exceptionally prone to intertwine, and a thorn is always close to a bud.”
”Before his inner bloodshot eye Ada was duplicated and enriched, twinned by entwinement . . .”
–Vladimir Nabokov, Ada, or Ardor
heathyrre (2004-09-21 22:11:18)
That sounds like a good book. I think I¼ll read it.
wynand (2004-09-21 22:12:21)
Oh man, is that good? I¼ve been contemplating reading that for months–basically the only argument against it is
the line in Wonder Boys linking it in style to Finnegans Wake and Gravity¼s Rainbow
whitcomb (2004-09-21 22:50:34)
I can only speak from having read Lolita and various short stories, but in the sense that Nabokov is
consciously artistic and fucks with language overmuch, yes, he is like Joyce and Pynchon. Unlike them, he is an
unquestionably good novelist. Yes, I have a serious grudge against Thomas Pynchon for wasting twenty dollars of
my money and three inches of my bookshelf.
wynand (2004-09-22 00:57:59)
No, no, I¼ve read many a Nabokov book before–I¼ve just heard specific bad things about Ada
whitcomb (2004-09-22 02:45:23)
Oh. How¼s Pale Fire? Or The Luzhin Defense? Those are next on my list. Of Nabokov books
to read. Which comes into play somewhat sporadically.
2.6.9
(2004-09-23 15:50)
P1. All desire is suffering.
P2. The desire to eliminate suffering is suffering.
C. The desire to eliminate desire is suffering.
One cannot be simultaneously desireless and rightly desirous.
And I’m glad this is true, because I could never accept an ideology that would cause the casting off
of my desires. They may cause me pain, even daily, but that pain is sweet. That pain comes to a person
that follows their passions in order to be fulfilled. The achieving of my desires will cause fulfillment, however
I do not know whether achieving them will be possible. I do not want the middle path, the path that carried
me off to the trees when I hallucinated lion’s roars from snores. (I took off my shoes, standing on unholy
ground, my feet frozen and aching when I got back. You remember.)
How do I construct a just notion of morality? I look at unexamined lives around me, and I do not
understand. People have become so complacent that they no longer care about changing the world. When
profound discussions start between me and someone else, I feel like we are often carried back to the banal.
(Excepting and accepting a few very close people to me.)
267
–
I have been obsessed with dreams lately. I want to write them all down constantly, and I have remembered more dreams in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. I am beginning to learn my
body, what I want my body to be, whose bodies I want to touch. I want to give love freely. I am seeing signs
again of God. He is showing me the right path. I feel like I am taking directions from I AM. (And I am.)
I am caught up in even the most intricate details. Even when they seem ridiculous, they are real to me. I
feel like Being B. I flicker on and off, remembering those past glances, but the past glances of lights on the
top of the church, the ones that looked blurred when I squinted up at them, worshipping, my voice opened,
my diaphragm pumping air into my lungs. I felt ecstatic during those moments of pleasure, the ones that
seem to me now to be a gift from Time. A gift from no-Time, a gift from outside of Time, not our Time. I
must continue to be led by the Spirit and not by doubts. I must continue to live anew. With new vision.
Remember the pictures that I still need to develop, the ones that remind me of the feelings I had, the ones
that I’m glad I took. I took them to remind me of God’s hand in my life, what I felt was God’s hand in my
life. God damn. God damn me for being so wishy-washy about wishing for washing. Marijuana was the
fruit in the Garden of Eden. I bought it in the Garden of Edan. It is the choice between right and wrong,
between following and not following. The following is what I want to remember, but how can I erase the
past signs, the signs that I wanted to erect for myself? How can I cleanse them, purify them? Will people
trust me anymore after this?
–
I sobbed because she knew all of my secrets. My body had not released everything it needed to.
She knows, she knows, I don’t know how, but she does. I think about her smell, the way I need her to smell,
the way I envision her, her, endful hers but where is my focus? Where does my focus needs to be? Does it
need to be on a flickering computer screen? No, it needs to be on what controls that flickering computer
screen. But what controls it? Microprocessors. Where do the microprocessors come from? The ideas for
them, the material itself comes from the Prime Mover, but the Prime Mover can be anything? No, it can’t.
The Prime Mover must be that which is all powerful, all good, because he is the first cause. He is causality
epitomized, because He is the self-causer. I am deferent, I bow deferently, differently, when my ears and
eyes are opened.
–
I am doubting.
–
I am so high. I am high off of the fruit of the Tree in the Garden of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
That is what this fruit does, what the serpent says it does. His head will be crushed. But the One’s head
will not be crushed. It will not be crushed by anything I can muster. This is a message being given to me by
God. I feel like fucking Joan of Arc. It’s absurd. I must understand the absurdity of it. Because His head
will be crushed. But how can we distinguish the messages given to us by God or by the Other, the one who
knows nothing, is never present (will never be present, but was, was past tense) and those of humans? How
are humans used to communicate this message? Why didn’t He write it down himself? He could have, He
supposedly did on the pillars, the stone tablets, the Old Promise that has not been fulfilled. It will not be
fulfilled. Oh wait, I am still here. Fuck you. Strike me down with a lightning bolt. Try it, Zeus. You split
us up, and we are back together. Ha, you’re flickering on and off, oh keep flickering, flicker like the Fucker
that keeps driving me insane. If I am made in Your image, then you are mad.
268
–
When I am here, I can retreat into the lioness’ mane. And her hair is on my lips.
2.6.10
(2004-09-26 03:42)
You cannot turn back now. This is it, you are realizing it. You are going to play the Great Gig in the Sky.
Capitalization of God.
2.6.11
(2004-09-26 04:26)
Remember the lot of Lot.
2.6.12
(2004-09-27 04:05)
The sensible is sensible. This is the Philosopher’s way. He is the Supreme Lover Of Knowledge, and He
wants to bestow that knowledge to His creatures. The ones he created. The One who was with Him in the
Beginning.
2.6.13
”The Flush” (2004-09-29 06:10)
Sarah woke up in the middle of the night, awakened by a Holy Apparition. There was a bluejay egg on her
window. Over night, the contents of her mind had become recompartmentalized. Everything divided into
two again, as it was in the beginning. So it shall be in the end.
Lilies grew in the garden in her backyard. She remembered what he said about the lily of the field, but
she knew she was not that lily, nor was it the proverb, the proverb of the ultimate Proverbs. It was the trees
of the field that clapped their hands. Perfection was perverted in pursed purrs and purses of persimmons.
This was getting personal.
She knew that the key was discerning, turning away from her lies, turning towards the Son like a sunflower. She knew Him even before she was told about Him. Jealously, she had wanted Him all to herself.
The only love she needed was His. But everyone else needed His love too.
She touched her flushed cheeks, blushing ashamed in His sight. But there was never a reason to blush.
Her wounds were healed at the touch of the hem of His garment. This was agape love, perfect and unconditional. There was no need for eroticism any longer. She scratched the serpent bite on her neck, but her
wound was healed.
Everything became a sign. She began frantically taking St. Augustine photographs, scribbling them in
her notebook, feeling sober waves of pure physical pleasure rushing through her. She was drunk on the new
wine, the wine of the wholly holy sacrament of Communion, Communion with God, her passion overflowing.
Surely goodness and lovingkindness would follow her all the days of her life, and she would dwell in the
House of the Lord forever.
The pictures were her sign, signifying the infinite. Signifying the self-caused Causer of self. They meant
something only to her, and he would never know.
269
She looked in the mirror. Her pallid, lush skin was flushed. The room was white. She was flushed, flushed
of the iniquities of the past. It had all passed.
bileograph (2004-09-29 16:18:26)
Nice, dude, but what¼s with the running-Christian-theme in your latest works?
kevincarter (2004-10-01 18:34:39)
Thanks, Billy. Lately, I¼ve gone through a spiritual awakening. The only way it can be described is as a theophany.
I¼d definitely like to talk about it with you sometime.
jokaswild (2004-09-30 04:16:17) Excellent
Excellent read Kevin. I think just a smidge more nudity though and I¼m sold!
kevincarter (2004-10-01 18:34:55) Re: Excellent
Wait, where was the nudity?
jokaswild (2004-10-01 22:55:05) Re: Excellent
sigh*
initiates anima (2004-09-30 04:29:32)
Everytime I read one of your posts I feel more enlightened after than when I began. I know analysis is kind of annoying,
but I love your use of alliteration, and not to mention how interesting the relgion theme is getting. Fantastic!
kevincarter (2004-10-01 18:38:58)
Thank you for the compliments, Bailey. Analysis is never annoying, so there is absolutely no need to worry
about that. Alliteration is definitely one of my favorite literary devices. I feel like the English language is so rich in
words that it¼s easy to string a lot of them together and make it flow. Even looking through the dictionary helps,
for me. And trust me, the religion theme is infinitely more interesting than it was a few weeks ago. :)
vanillaskies (2004-09-30 10:03:05)
do you have stairs in your house?
obsidion knight (2004-10-01 05:55:46)
i would answer... but I would be cheating...
vanillaskies (2004-10-01 14:22:01)
obviously not, :gb2gbs:
kevincarter (2004-10-01 18:39:57)
:)
kevincarter (2004-10-01 18:30:20)
I am protected.
270
2.7
2.7.1
October
(2004-10-03 04:51)
There is a filter on my vision. This is what occurs after the Leap of Faith. There is no such thing as a
teleological suspension of the ethical, because teleology comprises the ethical. Aesthetics are not something
that must be given up. Ethics and aesthetics are synthesized within the religious. While the ultimate decision
is an either/or, there is no need to make a choice between the ethical and the aesthetical. The Rose-colored
lenses of my glasses that cover everything I do. But it is the Rose without a thorn, a Rose once crowned
with thorns. Lo, how a Rose e’er blooming from gentle stem hath sprung! of Jesse’s lineage coming, as men
of old hath sung. It came a Flower bright, amidst the cold of winter, when half-spent was the night.
For those God foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son, that he might
be the firstborn among many brothers. He is the only one that can keep the wolf from the Door. Everything
seems so undeniably clear right now, despite my flaws, because there is an Alpha and Omega in sight. If
humanity understands its origins, then it understands its purpose. Its purpose: glorification of the Ultimate,
the Unfathomable, the Inevitable. God.
For the first time in my life, I have been able to freely write music. I was stifled before, but now the
hymns just flow to Him. I am writing music for all of His 150 Psalms, the ones He gave to David while he
was exorcising the spirits from Saul with the lyre. The liar can be stopped by the lyre. But it is not me
who is writing it. It is Him who is writing through me. He knew these events before his creation of the first
adam, Adam. Even before Eve. He could before Cain, and was Able before Abel. We are His actors, like
Zooey said, and we must follow His scene directions, His foreseen directions, which He bestows to us in His
Script. The Scriptures are His Script. He is the Great Playwright, the Bard, the One who sings sweetly to all
of His creation. He is the Artist of the world, the one who painted the plum and the pomegranate, the One
whose design is Supreme. The Bible is God’s Word, but He reveals His Word to us through His Spirit. The
Spirit is the communion between Father and Son, and Jesus died that we might be the firstborn among many
brethren. When I used to hear stories of Jesus’ brothers, I scoured the Scriptures looking for them, then
my attention soured. It still sours. But there are brothers, there are so many brothers of Christ, because of
the Gift of God. All of these moments are a Gift From Time. She called Him Time, because she did not
know His name. She chanted ”Om Mani Padme Hum” because she did not know His name. Even that chant
reveals His glory through deniers of His glory. Om, the practitioner’s impure body, speech, and mind, along
with the Pure and Exalted Body, Speech, and Mind. Mani, the altruistic intention to become enlightened,
compassionate, and loving. Padme, the desire for Wisdom, realizing impermanence. And Hum, the seed
syllable of ”Akshobhya,” the immovable, the unfluctuating, that which cannot be disturbed by anything.
But His glory is revealed through everything. I once thought that the purpose of poetry was to showcase the beauty in the world and to denigrate the ugliness. Now, I know that is what God does. God helps
us look at our flaws and see him. Shelley once wrote that ”Poetry is a mirror which makes beautiful that
which is distorted,” but that is not poetry, it is God. Shelley had a problem with the name of God. It made
sense to him if he called it something that it wasn’t, something human, something impermanent.
My old writing, even old poetry which I want to throw away, never again read, now becomes new. Suddenly
everything has changed.
I am so imperfect, and I am grappling with this imperfection. But the I AM is perfect, and His commandment to us: ”Be perfect, therefore, as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5, the Sermon on
the Mount. Jesus talking directly to us, telling us the only correct way to live. The only way to come to
the Father is through the Son. His sacrifice has been made. It is finished, and it is our choice. But God
271
knows this choice. He knows the choice we will make, and He has promised us eternal salvation if we simply
have faith. He knows how imperfect we are, though, and so (as the Prime Causer, the Prime Ergo of prime
numbers) He commands us to go, but we go the other way. His perfection is unobtainable, but we must
strive for it, because it is all He asks of us. Even when we fail, He comes to find us like the lost sheep we
are, saving us from the wolf.
He has opened my mouth, that I might speak. He has opened my ears, that I might hear. He has let
me hear, making the decision that causes me to hear. He has saved me so many times that I can never repay
Him, and I do not repay Him. He gives me life, despite my failure to pay in any way. That is because this
salvation is a Gift. It is His Gift to us.
My failure has come with my lack of discernment. I was not able to distinguish His still, small voice
from those of the ones who would have me away from Him. Now, He has given me the power of discernment.
Although I fail Him almost constantly, He remains the Good Shepherd, holding me close, letting His love
surround me. Love is all you need, because God is love. Is love all you need? All you need is love. Love is
all you need. Need is all you love. Love is all; you need. You need love is all. All love needs is you.
laurenoid (2004-10-03 14:36:25)
Whoa.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:53:10)
My thoughts exactly. After I typed this out (and reading it now too), I was basically like, ”What the fuck?”
dive (2004-10-03 16:13:18) amen
an excellent work, as per usual, kev.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:53:43) Re: amen
Thanks, Daniel.
pipster uwyo (2004-10-03 16:22:11)
You made me cry. And that is not an easy thing to do.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:54:48)
I¼m sorry. I realize my manic-depressive religious nature has to be really hard on you, and I don¼t mean it to be.
pipster uwyo (2004-10-10 23:28:33)
I¼m still praying for you.
secret tears (2004-10-03 17:18:30)
very inspiring; espiecally that last paragraph. <3
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:09:07)
I¼m planning on extracting part of the last paragraph and putting it into something that¼s actually good. :) Thank
you.
burningtyger (2004-10-03 18:59:51)
Kevin, as I read the words you write here, I become immensely sad, for no particular reason, or maybe its the feeling
of not knowing. You have become a distant star...one I almost can¼t even see anymore. I¼ll tell you what, if you
decide to be seen again, call me, if not then I guess have fun shining bright in another solar system.
272
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:10:04)
Alex, I think you are over-reacting. I am not in another solar system. I am here.
bandnamdcharlie (2004-10-03 21:40:27)
i do not know who you are exactly, but for some reason everything you write seems to speak to me on some level
mostly emotional and spiritual. you¼re simply stellar. and youre writing just makes me look at the world in a
different way–i like that. thank you.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:10:23)
Thank you. :)
loverlymle (2004-10-03 21:59:17)
God is Love, and all who live in God, live in Love and God lives in them. 1 John 4:18 you¼ve pointed out what i¼ve
been running from.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:11:21)
Despite my sort of anti-Christian slant as of late, I am still interested in reading the Bible, for literary purposes. I
guess I¼m still running.
(2004-10-03 22:21:51) Beautiful
That was one of the most beautiful things I have read recently.
You should check out my xanga site
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=kristinalouise, or even better, check out this new book by John Piper: ”When
I Don¼t Desire God: How to Figt For Joy.” Sounds cliche, but it is incredible.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:12:47) Re: Beautiful
Thanks for the link and the recommendation.
mooseka (2004-10-03 23:01:24)
are you high
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:13:34)
This is the weirdest part: I was entirely sober while writing this. Not even any coffee for those few days. But actually,
as I respond to this, I am high. :)
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:13:57)
P.S. Best comment ever award.
obsidianfawn (2004-10-04 01:24:38)
Dude, what¼s with you?
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:15:28)
I really have no idea.
initiates anima (2004-10-04 02:23:48)
I was thinking just the other day what a treat it would be if I was faithful again... Once again, you¼ve made my day.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:18:01)
Thanks, Bailey. I¼d like to talk to you soon if you get a chance. ¼shotintoeternity¼ on AIM.
273
loveis2sweet (2004-10-04 02:53:55)
you referenced to Zooey... that¼s cool, i love Zooey, i love Franny too. Sorry, I¼m not actually saying more about
the post but i have jaded views about my religious upbringing and I make it appoint not to discuss my views when i
see a contrast with those i would be discussing with. But i totally respect people who have strong beliefs. so right on.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:17:23)
”Franny” and ”Zooey” are two of my very favorite short stories ever. A lot of my fictional writing is modelled completely off of Salinger. I also have jaded views about my religious upbringing. I feel like I had Seymour and Buddy
at my crib, except instead of teaching me about the Diamond Sutra, they just paddled Christianity into me.
hopper565 (2004-10-05 20:42:21)
Someone¼s been reading Kierkegaard. Or should be.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:14:58)
Kierkegaard drove someone insane. Do you want to talk sometime? Or hang out, considering you are a great writer
and really interesting and live in the same city I do?
hopper565 (2004-10-10 04:08:37)
Part of me insists upon it. My screen name is the same on instant messenger...
2.7.2
(2004-10-03 23:16)
[1]Pray without ceasing.
1. http://landru.i-link-2.net/shnyves/Prayer_without_Ceasing.html
obsidianfawn (2004-10-04 19:52:50)
Seriously, what the hell happened to you, Kev?
yesthatems (2004-10-04 20:02:00)
Yes, tell us.
ecredes (2004-10-04 23:29:33)
am i the only one that clicked ”Play Casino” at the bottom of that article?
dive (2004-10-05 00:59:16)
as for the link, interesting read. what¼s funny, is these last couple of posts are the kev i have in my brain; the images
left in IRC windows and /msgs. we¼ve both grown older, and both been through interesting roads getting to where
we are now. we¼ll have to catch up more sometime, i¼d like to hear more of the kev story. ...we should swap mix
cds. [because i don¼t own a tape player anymore]
coalproximity (2004-11-24 00:05:08)
burried in an old entry, in a comment from a person you don¼t know: something of small relevence: ”I¼m just sick
of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else¼s. I¼m sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something
distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It¼s disgusting.”...”I¼m sick of not having the courage to be an
absolute nobody.” .. Salinger said something in Franny and Zooey that hit me hard. It had to do with the fat lady¼s
song, and smoking in the bathtub,.. but mostly I just thought I would ask, wouldn¼t you say that awakened life is
already prayer?
274
2.7.3
(2004-10-05 14:00)
01001001001000000110100001100001011101000110010100100000011011000110
100101110110011010010110111001100111001000000110111101101110011011
00011110010010000001101111011011100010000001100011011011110110110101
110000011101010111010001100101011100100111001100101110001000000010 000001001100010011110100110000101110
2.7.4
(2004-10-05 17:49)
I am a psychopath. I have the mental ability to believe anything I want and somehow justify it within my
world view. I’m fucking terrified.
Has anyone ever experienced this before?
October 3, 2004 was the first day I experienced the absolute knowledge of the Holy Spirit working
through my body in a physical manner. Even now, as I type this, my feet are still tingling. I have been
reading about God’s foreknowledge and perfect plan for my life, and I am beginning to realize that I am
truly His child, a member of the tribe of Israel forever if I keep my body pure from sin, and obey His
commandments. I see flashes of light right now too. These things have never happened to me before. I am
not psychotic. This is His Holy Spirit, the Gift that He gives His sons working through my life.
This is the day of Pentecost for me. Today, the Spirit has been given to me wholly. God commands
me to be perfect, and the striving for this perfection is the most important thing I can do. All else is
transient. It is not searching for the self that is important, like Hesse thought. It is driving towards a
complete understanding of God and His creation.
I feel more than a sense of intuition. I feel that everything is new again. I am able to interpret
things around me as a sign of God’s Ultimacy. I have been given ”The Way of the Pilgrim” as a sign about
how to pray without ceasing, how to ceaselessly continue the evidence of this gift in my life.
I am seeing the errors of other people’s ways, shown to me by the Spirit that I might avoid them. I
am being shown the errors of my ways as well. This force, like Kierkegaard talks about, is operating from
outside of me, yet it is internal as well. St. Augustine knew what it was to be filled with the Spirit. It does
not matter that I haven’t yet met others in my personal life who know what I am experiencing due to the
Grace of God. *This is not my mouth speaking, but the mouth of God made manifest in me thanks to His
Gift.* The only One who truly knows my heart is Him. This is more than psychology. This is the spiritual
state that Kierkegaard talked about. I am doing things that are against my will and that are in favor of His
will.
I must read more about how to become a Pilgrim. I must educate myself in the ways of God. I must
make theology, the study of God, my purpose in life. I will follow Him to the ends of the Earth and past
the ends of the earth. For we will dwell with Him for all eternity. He will give us visions of beauty, tongues
of fire. My tongue is already on fire for Him, because my body is on fire. He gives me words, He gives me
songs. I will rejoice in Him all day long. I will make my life a prayer to Him. This is a reminder. Play this
if I forget, but I will never forget, because how can one possibly forget these feelings after He has touched
your life? The feelings that I am experiencing right now are true ecstatic states. When I was on my knees
early this morning, my song rising to Him, the song that He gave me, Holy Holy Holy Lord God Almighty, I
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felt the greatest sensation I have ever felt on earth. I imagine that this will be the Heavenly feeling, but it
will be more than this. It will be greater, and I cannot conceive of that with my pitiful human mind.
He has opened up my voice, that He might speak. It is no longer my voice anymore, but the voice of
the Most High. Thank you God, i Thank You God, for this most amazing day.
Hey, that’s right after my Satanic poetry, right?
blah blah, did anyone fucking read that?
Oh no, but Inscrutabilia sunt judicia Dei.
to me.
Ad Gloriam.
That’s what he says.
Ad Majorem Lucifer Gloriam.
Blah
Everybody’s saying different things
How about An Adorable Swan? How am I supposed to deal with that? How am I supposed to deal
with the fact that I am a sexual being, and the Bible forbids that? Purity. Everything is permissible. The
desire to murder is the same as murder? That’s ridiculous, ridiculous, ridiculous. Shouldn’t what I believe
in life fit in somehow with what I experience?
Yeah, I tried praying the Jesus Prayer all day and got absolutely nothing. Nothing. Yeah, the Pentecost thing again? Nope. Mad, I’m mad. I think that whenever I itch or bite on my nails or someone
sneezes that something cosmic is going on. I’m insane. Someone please help me, tell me you’ve experienced
things like this before.
I’m going to go develop my own St. Augustine photographs and burn them.
Oh, and I think that whenever I type something incorrectly, it’s because I’m not of the spirit. Or
when I play something on the piano wrong, it’s not because I haven’t practiced enough, it’s because I don’t
have enough faith. I’m trying to find a purpose behind everything, but what if there is no purpose, or what
if it’s not God? What if it’s not the God that I’ve been indoctrinated into? What if I’m hurting all the
people around me who ”God” told me to take off my friends list because they were somehow flawed. Because
they had a spelling error or made some obscure reference to snakes or something. God, I just wish I could
apply this ability somehow. Somehow that I would truly know. I’ve thought I’ve known twice. ”This is my
Sign.” ”This is Another Sign, not my Sign.” Oh wait, but that’s different. And God tells me I’m going to be
secure forever, but the very next minute something else happens. What the fuck?
I do not want to use this term, for fear that I might later misinterpret it, but this occupation of the
Holy Spirit within me is likened best to a sexual experience. But this is so much more powerful than an
orgasm. God gave us those for bliss in miraculous marital relations, but this is something more. This is the
reward for devotion to God, this is His Gift to us. When I am not doing His will, He tells me so by causing
my skin to itch or my throat to burp. Everything is in His power, everything. He foreordained the smallest
details from the beginning of time. We must obey His commandments to the fullest, but even if we do not,
as long as we have repentance and faith (for the two go hand in hand), we will reap the benefits of eternal
salvation. For what a man sows, he also reaps, and God has allowed us to reap His eternal life. He has
sewed us together, every stitch revealing the intricacy of His design.
Blah blah blah fucking blah.
Should I have stopped at aesthete? That’s what Ada wanted. That’s what Zelda wants too. Oh, so
witty. Your wit will lead you away from everyone you love. Everything you love. If you believe one thing
unconditionally, of course you’re going to believe it and do your best to justify it to yourself. Of course.
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I do not want to use this term, for fear that I might later misinterpret it, but this occupation of the
Holy Spirit within me is likened best to a sexual experience. But this is so much more powerful than an
orgasm. God gave us those for bliss in miraculous marital relations, but this is something more. This is the
reward for devotion to God, this is His Gift to us. When I am not doing His will, He tells me so by causing
my skin to itch or my throat to burp. Everything is in His power, everything. He foreordained the smallest
details from the beginning of time. We must obey His commandments to the fullest, but even if we do not,
as long as we have repentance and faith (for the two go hand in hand), we will reap the benefits of eternal
salvation. For what a man sows, he also reaps, and God has allowed us to reap His eternal life. He has
sewed us together, every stitch revealing the intricacy of His design.
Oh wow, isn’t this amazing? A few words.
forever, but will they ever add up to anything?
A few words.
I think I can keep writing these words
And here it is.
M22 B11 F7.
The Two-Part Inventions of J.S. Bach
After I ridiculed it, God has sent it back to me, and He has given me new eyes to see it with.
Necessary requisite: sine qua non
More. More. MORE!
”WHAT IS A POET? AN UNHAPPY MAN WHO IN HIS HEART HARBORS A DEEP ANGUISH,
BUT WHOSE LIPS ARE SO FASHIONED THAT THE MOANS AND CRIES WHICH PASS OVER
THEM ARE TRANSFORMED INTO RAVISHING MUSIC. HIS FATE IS LIKE THAT OF THE UNFORTUNATE VICTIMS WHOM THE TYRANT PHALARIS IMPRISONED IN A BRAZEN BULL,
AND SLOWLY TORTURED OVER A STEADY FIRE; THEIR CRIES COULD NOT REACH THE
TYRANT’S EARS SO AS TO STRIKE TERROR INTO HIS HEART; WHEN THEY REACHED HIS
EARS THEY SOUNDED LIKE SWEET MUSIC. AND MEN CROWD ABOUT THE POET AND SAY
TO HIM, ”SING FOR US SOON AGAIN”–WHICH IS AS MUCH AS TO SAY, ”MAY NEW SUFFERINGS
TORMENT YOUR SOUL, BUT MAY YOUR LIPS BE FASHIONED AS BEFORE; FOR THE CRIES
WOULD ONLY DISTRESS US, BUT THE MUSIC, THE MUSIC, IS DELIGHTFUL.”
Oh yes, it’s delightful. It’s delightful if you’re a critic.
not music on lips. Our hair C1 C2 K1 K2.
Hair on lips not music on lips hair on lips
What about the values of temperance & patience? What happened to those? I seem to have forgotten about them, trapped in a false dichotomy between either/or.
In John Berryman’s poem ”Dream Song #4,” a man named Henry voyeristically watches a woman in
a restaurant and laments his inability to romantically obtain her. The narrator’s somber, elegiac tone and
elevatd language seem to indicate that the experience is a very important one to Henry (dem Bones dem
Bones dem DRY BONES), but the woman described in the poem (Ada) is never seen again throughout
the rest of the collection. Throughout the poem, Henry uses exaggerated language WHICH TURNS THE
EVERYDAY EVENT OF WATCHING A WOMAN AT A RESTAURANT INTO WHAT DEVELOPS
INTO AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.
I was there at that moment of fear and trembling, of Fear and Trembling.
I dreamt about William L. Rowe.
277
Her earrings hang down onto her bare neck
The ball on the tip of the string rolls around on tan skin.
–
P1. All desire is suffering.
P2. The desire to eliminate suffering is suffering.
C. The desire to eliminate desire is suffering.
One cannot be simultaneously desireless and rightly desirous.
And I’m glad this is true, because I could never accept an ideology that would cause the casting off
of my desires. They may cause me pain, even daily, but that pain is sweet. That pain comes to a person that
follows their passions in order to be fulfilled. The achieving of my desires will cause fulfillment, however I
do not know whether achieving them will be possible. I do not want the middle path, the path that carried
me off to the trees when I hallucinated lion’s roars from snores. (I took off my shoes, standing on unholy
ground, my feet frozen and aching when I got back. You remember.)
How do I construct a just notion of morality? I look at unexamined lives around me, and I do not
understand. People have become so complacent that they no longer care about changing the world. When
profound discussions start between me and someone else, I feel like we are often carried back to the banal.
(Excepting and accepting a few very close people to me.)
–
I have been obsessed with dreams lately. I want to write them all down constantly, and I have remembered more dreams in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. I am beginning to learn my
body, what I want my body to be, whose bodies I want to touch. I want to give love freely. I am seeing signs
again of God. He is showing me the right path. I feel like I am taking directions from I AM. (And I am.)
I am caught up in even the most intricate details. Even when they seem ridiculous, they are real to me. I
feel like Being B. I flicker on and off, remembering those past glances, but the past glances of lights on the
top of the church, the ones that looked blurred when I squinted up at them, worshipping, my voice opened,
my diaphragm pumping air into my lungs. I felt ecstatic during those moments of pleasure, the ones that
seem to me now to be a gift from Time. A gift from no-Time, a gift from outside of Time, not our Time.
I must continue to be led by the Spirit and not by doubts. I must continue to live anew. With new vision.
Remember the pictures that I still need to develop, the ones that remind me of the feelings I had, the ones
that I’m glad I took. I took them to remind me of God’s hand in my life, what I felt was God’s hand in
my life. God damn. God damn me for being so wishy-washy about wishing for washing. Marijuana was the
fruit in the Garden of Eden. I bought it in the Garden of Edan. It is the choice between right and wrong,
between following and not following. The following is what I want to remember, but how can I erase the past
signs, the signs that I wanted to erect for myself ? How can I cleanse them, purify them? Will people trust
me anymore after this?
–
I sobbed because she knew all of my secrets. My body had not released everything it needed to. She
knows, she knows, I don’t know how, but she does. I think about her smell, the way I need her to smell, the
way I envision her, her, endful hers but where is my focus? Where does my focus needs to be? Does it need
to be on a flickering computer screen? No, it needs to be on what controls that flickering computer screen.
But what controls it? Microprocessors. Where do the microprocessors come from? The ideas for them, the
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material itself comes from the Prime Mover, but the Prime Mover can be anything? No, it can’t. The Prime
Mover must be that which is all powerful, all good, because he is the first cause. He is causality epitomized,
because He is the self-causer. I am deferent, I bow deferently, differently, when my ears and eyes are opened.
–
I am doubting.
–
I am so high. I am high off of the fruit of the Tree in the Garden of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
That is what this fruit does, what the serpent says it does. His head will be crushed. But the One’s head
will not be crushed. It will not be crushed by anything I can muster. This is a message being given to me by
God. I feel like fucking Joan of Arc. It’s absurd. I must understand the absurdity of it. Because His head
will be crushed. But how can we distinguish the messages given to us by God or by the Other, the one who
knows nothing, is never present (will never be present, but was, was past tense) and those of humans? How
are humans used to communicate this message? Why didn’t He write it down himself ? He could have, He
supposedly did on the pillars, the stone tablets, the Old Promise that has not been fulfilled. It will not be
fulfilled. Oh wait, I am still here. Fuck you. Strike me down with a lightning bolt. Try it, Zeus. You split
us up, and we are back together. Ha, you’re flickering on and off, oh keep flickering, flicker like the Fucker
that keeps driving me insane. If I am made in Your image, then you are mad.
–
When I am here, I can retreat into the lioness’ mane. And her hair is on my lips.
–
You cannot turn back now. This is it, you are realizing it. You are going to play the Great Gig in
the Sky. Capitalization of God.
Remember the lot of Lot’s wife.
The sensible is sensible. This is the Philosopher’s way. He is the Supreme Lover Of Knowledge, and
He wants to bestow that knowledge to His creatures. The ones he created. The One who was with Him in
the Beginning.
–
(P1) Sensible objects are what the senses perceive immediately.
(P2) Senses perceive sensible qualities immediately.
(P3) Secondary qualities exist only in the mind.
(P4) Primary qualities exist only in the mind.
(C1) No sensible quality exists outside the mind.
(C2) Physical objects have no non-mental qualities.
279
(C3) Physical objects are entirely mental.
(S3.a) It’s possible for something to appear F* and not-F to different observers.
(S3.b)It’s not possible for something to be F and not-F if F is intrinsic
(C) Secondary qualities are mental (hahaha, mental).
I’m going to appeal to parsimony.
–
The man with the black hat
Shattered face illumined,
Is standing in a room of cobwebbed pianos.
Some of the keys have broken,
Leaving scales unplayable,
Measures unmeasurable.
–
You can’t say ”all birthday parties are fun” just because your last few have been good. You can speculate, but what is the substantive difference between a hypothesis regarding stamp collectors in the room and
electricity which will conduct metal?
Grue: Iff Green and observed before 1/1/08 or Blue and observed after.
Emeralds are green. But they are also grue.
Emeroses are emeralds observed before 1/1/08 or roses observed after.
–
Lick your hand,
Taste your skin,
Savor salty sweat,
Simulated stimulation.
Laissez-faire is so unfair. ”Let them do as they see fit!”
The sun goes behind a cloud,
And the room darkens.
–
Tinted by stagelights, the sloping curves of her center-stage body appear two-dimensional. Her skin’s pallor
is veiled by a gossamer, hazy and white on the stage. The dance begins. A satin scarf slides against scented,
salty skin. The rites of spring set to the Rites of Spring: a celebration of azaleas and twolips. Ecstatic body
flowing across the stage, she is hypnotized by cellist’s bows. Legs and arms unconsciously serving their
commands.
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–
Not convinced yet?
groupie supreme (2004-10-05 23:54:13)
I¼ve gotten so used to my screen name that the correct spelling of ¼psychopath¼ looks unbelievably odd.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:30:46)
I¼m really glad you said this. It helped me not take things so seriously. Story tonight. You have no choice in the
matter.
groupie supreme (2004-10-09 22:54:31)
Oh, hey, you know I¼ll always willingly ignore your psychotic ramblings. I want to hear the story, but I need to
talk to you about it and the others first.
loverlymle (2004-10-05 23:56:19)
you sound like me
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:31:22)
Did you grow up in a really conservative family too?
heathyrre (2004-10-06 02:41:43)
I am convinced of many things.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:31:49)
So am I. (This was a very enigmatic reply.)
heathyrre (2004-11-05 07:01:32)
It¼s because you inspire jealousy in me, no matter what. I need you more than you realize, I think.
initiates anima (2004-10-06 03:31:40) Wow...
...I don¼t mean to insult you, but you and I share many thoughts. ”I think that whenever I itch or bite on my
nails or someone sneezes that something cosmic is going on. I¼m insane. Someone please help me, tell me you¼ve
experienced things like this before.” That is very eerie to me because I had almost the exact same realization... If you
need\want to talk about it more, IM me on AIM: Blue Light Soul. Wow...
songandcheer (2004-10-06 03:43:11) Re: Wow...
Referential Mania. Read ”Signs and Symbols” by Vladimir Nabokov, both of yez.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:41:17) Re: Wow...
”Signs and Symbols” is a fantastic story, but I don¼t think that parallels as much of what I was experiencing as
Humbert does in Lolita. His ability to mentally manipulate words and his environment is something I
(pretty frighteningly) seem to have. Because of the nature of Christianity, I felt overwhelmed by his same sort of
guilt, even though I didn¼t do anything close to what he was doing. Parents who try to instill this sense of morality
in their children (and do it with physical punishment, like mine did) are doing them so much harm that it¼s not
even funny. So unfortunately, you¼re right. During this spiritual crisis of sorts, I was suffering from a lesser degree
of referential mania. Looking for purpose when the world is absurd can do that to you. I just have to use this power
of manipulated mental signification to do really good things rather than dangerous, fundamentalist, fascist things.
281
songandcheer (2004-10-10 03:41:00) stepping away from whatever diagnosis
you probably shouldn¼t understand why yet, but i think many might consider your circumstance hugely enviable.
be well, stranger.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:35:16) Re: Wow...
I¼d definitely like to talk to you about this. During this period of whatever-it-was, I felt like my body was literally
trying to communicate morality to me. If I had an itch, for instance, I was able to convince myself that the reason for
it was some impure thought in my head. Really, really strange, and it¼s a dangerous way to act, because you get so
wrapped up in your own life that you can¼t even concentrate on anything else going on around you. Sort of living
an inward fantasy, which some people in modern society try to classify as ”insanity.” To those people, I recommend
One Flew Over The Cuckoo¼s Nest. Even though it¼s not insanity, it¼s still not good for me at all, and
I should really stop doing that sort of thing.
wynand (2004-10-06 04:04:52)
”It seemed to me for this sunset hour that the world is our bride, given to us to love, and the terror and joy of the
marriage is that we bring to it a nature not our bride¼s.” – John Updike This has helped me feel better about my
life; I hope it¼ll help you too
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:42:39)
I¼ve seen that quote in your AIM profile. (I¼m ¼shotintoeternity,¼ in case you ever want to talk.) It¼s so
fucking beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. I want to have a bridegroom¼s love for the world.
lasweetreve (2004-10-06 04:11:05)
uhm, its all cool and good and all... but could you consider a lj-cut? eh? ; )
jellied (2004-10-06 05:52:56)
fo serious.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:44:52)
Do you actually talk like that?
jellied (2004-10-09 23:43:50)
you know i do.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:48:05)
In the future, all psychotic ramblings will be under a friends cut to preserve the aesthetics of your LiveJournal friends
page. Have a wonderful day!
obsidianfawn (2004-10-06 20:29:25)
Dear kevin, thank you for filling my friends page with your ranting. *smirk* Also, I¼m aware that I¼m commenting
to these things backwards.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 22:48:53)
Dear kevin, thank you for filling my friends page with your ranting. I like to think of it as a community
service. Insanity as entertainment.
obsidianfawn (2004-10-09 22:49:44)
That might be true if your insanity were actually entertaining. Ooooh burn!
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2.7.5
(2004-10-05 18:36)
Notebook (03/10/04-03/11/04)
This is my statement of either/or, but I’m not going to make you choose either one.
This is edited by Kevin Carter. Maybe.
But Vic Hermita is the actual editor of this collection. Maybe.
Hilarius Bookbinder is the author. Or the bookbinder. Maybe.
No, Q R and S are the authors. Because they’re three. But what if T was the author?
The text appears exactly as it is written. Maybe. Sure, I’ll be nice.
actly as it’s written. Can you trust me? Am I a reliable narrator?
I’ll give it to you almost ex-
I want to be the person I am in my letters to you. As a matter of fact, I want to be the person I
am on this page at this second, able to take just a few more moments to compose my thoughts than I can
in the streets. Because of this, I keep my mouth closed more and more, unsettled by the hoarse, high voice
that continually rattles off words that I don’t mean, phrases that I would loathe if they came from anyone
else. I’m worried, too, that I’m becoming more and more phony every day. I get the feeling that people are
beginning to envision me as their very own Fat lady, shining their shoes because it’s the thing to do. And
now I’ve taken my shoes off altogether and grow angrier and angrier when people stare at my feet. But
when I go down, it will be because I’m overwhelmed by beauty, my stomach full with it them, my heart
fuller.
I turned my back on the raccoon with a broken foot, unable to watch as it sulked away.
Edan said tonight, as we chain-smoked in the painfully cold winter air, that I could be a character
in a book. That is a compliment of the highest regard. I don’t deserve it.
Once again, I avoid my problems by pretending they don’t exist, creating more and more in the
long run.
He sat down at this desk, sobbing hysterically, and invented a girl who would keep him warm on
those cold winter nights.
283
The swishing of rainy windshield wipers, unable to rinse away her tears sounded mysterious and
damp in the twilight.
Her kisses rain down
Like tears from above.
In that tattered black gown,
She commands: ”Hide your love.”
Stop calling yourself a writer
or start living up to the name.
Oh, you can take my picture any time you want, but it won’t be me. As the days go by, I will look
more and more different, facial features slowly changing. Some days, the picture will grow dusty or blurry.
On others, I’ll look a little thinner than usual, hipbones protruding, on a no-love diet.
If I had to guess, I would say that her kisses taste like rainbows.
promises about things to come.
Colorful, sad, and full of empty
I want to write you a thousand letters tonight, manifestos and novels, imagistic poems and epics. I
would seal each envelope with the bitter taste of glue on my tongue, wishing that your lips would be next
to me, melting in their sweet taste. A bittersweet romance.
Is it selfish to tell someone (even truthfully) that you love them more than anyone else in the world? What
about that sweet Zen girl in Kyoto, the one that would stare at you with wide eyes, serene in the sunset?
Or the Frenchman who stares at you from the café terrace, still trying to get over his imagined love affair
with Mary Magdalene?
Lauren told me once that extraordinary (gifted, advanced, etc.) people must at some point make a
choice between enjoying life and being ”normal” or doing whatever it takes to be a genius and suffering the
consequences. (This section deleted by the editor.)
As soon as I lit my cigarette, the bus turned the corner. I took one last drag, let it fall to the
ground, and then stomped on it. Most of the time, that’s the way things go.
284
I don’t listen to people talk nearly enough.
strangers and relearn what it is to be human.
Today, I’m going to listen to the conversation of two
I have reservations about everything now. Nothing is constant, not love, not hatred, not even inconstancy. I look into the coffeeshop and think of how I would kiss each girl inside. The girl in the green
sweater in the corner looks sad, talking on the telephone, wiping invisible tears from her eyes with slow
movements of her pinky finger. The girl sitting by the window is numbering the stars, wanting to smoke a
cigarette but quit last year. There is no girl by the window.
The editor burned the book. At last.
bileograph (2004-10-06 02:27:54)
Stop calling yourself a writer or start living up to the name. – This is a vile thing to say. Here is an edit: Never call
yourself a writer. Start living your name.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:20:02)
Instead of submitting that as a revision, you should make it a universal maxim.
mycalliope (2004-10-06 04:42:30)
Lauren told me once that extraordinary (gifted, advanced, etc.) people must at some point make a choice between
enjoying life and being ”normal” or doing whatever it takes to be a genius and suffering the consequences. (This section
deleted by the editor.) My therapist told me the same thing. . . . Was that too much information? But I think
my problem is that I am unable to be at peace with myself and the things around me. Sometimes I¼m resigned to
that. Other times it makes me want to punch walls. Which isn¼t exactly a sign that I am at peace.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:22:54)
No, that wasn¼t too much information. I think I feel very peaceful at times but get scared of that peace and have
to keep reaching for something more. I think punching a wall every once in a while might actually help me out.
mycalliope (2004-10-10 19:01:48)
Yes, as long as its not a wall at your parents house. They don¼t like that very much.
drocko (2004-10-06 06:37:33)
Lauren told me once that extraordinary (gifted, advanced, etc.) people must at some point make a choice between
enjoying life and being ”normal” or doing whatever it takes to be a genius and suffering the consequences. (This
section deleted by the editor.) – I decided this was how it was a long time ago. And its something people don¼t get.
The fact of the matter is when i go home from the studio it doesn¼t stay there. It¼s always going to be on your
mind no matter what. For most of us the choice is already made by the time you realize that there is a choice.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:23:52)
I completely agree that your art has to constantly be with you. That¼s a beautiful idea. How are you? We haven¼t
talked in years.
285
obsidianfawn (2004-10-06 20:23:20)
Lauren told me once that extraordinary (gifted, advanced, etc.) people must at some point make a choice between
enjoying life and being ”normal” or doing whatever it takes to be a genius and suffering the consequences. (This
section deleted by the editor.) You don¼t have to suffer if you make the second choice, y¼know.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:24:19)
I don¼t think you make the second choice.
obsidianfawn (2004-10-09 23:52:09)
did i say that i made the second choice? ¼sides if i did make the second choice, i wouldn¼t suffer because of it.
thats just dismal and pessimistic don¼t you think?
laurenoid (2004-10-06 20:24:37)
i think i do remember talking to you about that. was that me? anyway, lately i believe it less and i think it¼s
possible to be both. actually, no–i think of the concept of being ”normal” as profane. but i think it¼s possible to be
content–that is, feel good, or at least not in tortured pain all of the time–and still be a genius, creating, experiencing.
i mean this in the sense that you must not feel guilty to feel, to love, to relax, because it¼s all part of the human
experience that you want to (and do) write brilliantly about. not to sound incredibly cliche, but never be afraid to
live. life comes first, words come second–and art should be a recreation of things that are real. an explanation, maybe,
so that others can feel even a shred of what you¼ve felt and therefore be better able to connect to the secret world
that i think is universally and profoundly felt by thinkers and artists. the lonely people. i¼m not sure what i¼m
babbling about exactly, but things that you write very often move me, and while i sometimes can¼t understand the
specifics of what you write about, or how you feel/what¼s going through your mind, i¼d still like to say–as a blanket
statement, really, and as a friend–i know just what you mean. ”there is no girl by the window.” but there is. at least
that¼s what i believe in, unwaveringly, is love, especially for people who really know what it is, and the pain involved,
and they keep looking for it anyway. the walking wounded? maybe. you live for love and beauty, kevin, and i respect
you immensely for it. you live in that ”secret world” i mentioned and the funny thing is, i think everyone else does
too. they just can¼t talk about it or write narratives of it anywhere near as well as you do. i hope you¼re doing
well, spiritual crisis (epiphany?) and all. ;) -L
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:32:59)
That was definitely you. So many things from late-night indie-rocktellectual chats have stayed with me. I think
you¼re absolutely right about the lack of mutual exclusivity between contentedness and normalcy. John Ciardi says
that ”adolescence is enough suffering for anyone” to become a poet, and I completely agree. Your advice re: living
first and writing second is wonderful, and I¼m really going to take it to heart. Sometimes, I face the danger of living
solely on the page, hiding away from everyone and baring my soul only to the notebook, and that¼s not a pattern
I want to fall into. To truly create art, I think you need to be able to have experiences to refer to, and that is one
of my goals right now. I guess that¼s why I¼ve tried to be so experimental in terms of things I¼ve done lately,
whether it¼s in terms of drugs or friends or just life in general. What you write always moves me too. (Even poetry
that you wrote when you were 14, which is really saying something.) Thank you for saying that you know just what
I mean. Empathy from someone else is a really nice feeling to have sometimes. There really wasn¼t a girl by the
window when I was writing. But I want there to be, and I believe there eventually will be. I also think that you¼re
absolutely right: everyone lives in the ”secret world.” I really am doing well, despite the stuff that¼s been going on.
The semester¼s really going well, I¼m doing a lot of really fun stuff, and life in Boulder is really great. We should
really hang out sometime soon, because I really miss talking to you.
satya 714 (2004-10-16 07:45:44)
Lauren, this is Lianna Moffatt, you know the girl you run into randomly...
286
2.7.6
(2004-10-05 18:39)
Hey everyone! How’s it going? I’m doing really good. Everything’s great.
:) :) :)
lol
2.7.7
(2004-10-05 19:06)
Re-stabilized.
yesthatems (2004-10-06 01:11:29)
Good luck with that.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:33:35)
Thanks.
readytostand (2004-10-06 04:44:17)
I liked you better un-stabilized.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:33:46)
To be honest, I¼m really not stabilized.
wake up donnie (2004-10-06 06:05:41)
You¼d better be. You¼d also better be ready to write. I¼m come up with a plan but it involves immediate action.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:34:07)
This project is going to be mindblowingly awesome.
2.7.8
(2004-10-06 08:15)
I burned pages of my Bible. In its place, I put poems that will remind me never to go there again. It might
work for some people, but it doesn’t work for me.
I’m sorry for the outburst I subjected everyone to yesterday. Right now, I’m trying to get over being
brainwashed in the super-conservative Protestant ”church.” They told me to stay six inches away from the
opposite sex. They told us courtship was the right way of things and that the Bible was the inspired Word
of God. They told us we were going to Hell if we didn’t believe it. I believed it for so long, finally came to
the realization that it was wrong, and started to reformulate my ideas into a humanistic, open-minded way
of thinking.
Please, if this teaches you anything, it should be that you should not indoctrinate your children.
It is so dangerous, and it leads to them wallowing in guilt for years and years. There is a line in a Tori Amos
song called ”In The Springtime of His Voodoo” that really applies here: Honey, we’re recovering Christians.
It’s so true for me.
287
That is what happens when you try to make sense of the absurd. You become stark, raving mad, unable to deal with reality. My ”signs” began contradicting each other again.
I promise that I am still a normal, functioning human being. This time, there will be no relapse. I take
myself and philosophy way too seriously sometimes, and I forget the beauty of life. There is so much beauty
in the world, and I cannot forget that.
definitiveirony (2004-10-06 14:42:35)
Recovering Mormon here.... I *completely* understand.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:52:03)
I¼m sorry you understand, Sara. This is one case where I definitely don¼t wish for empathy.
drocko (2004-10-06 14:52:12)
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you¼re going to burn in hell. The
other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love. Butch Hancock
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:52:21)
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.
yesthatems (2004-10-06 15:04:04)
You have no idea what wonderful news this is. Well, you probably do. And don¼t insure yourself against relapse.
There may be one. There probably will be one. The human mind works in mysterious way (because of a lot of random
neuron firings, of course.) Just, please...please take care of yourself.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:53:26)
I really do. Actually, I want relapse insurance. Do you think State Farm offers a reasonable plan? I¼m taking care
of myself. Really, I am.
burningtyger (2004-10-06 18:13:51)
Read your email when you get the chance.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:53:44)
Okay.
(2004-10-06 19:37:27)
I am afraid that I simply do not understand what happened. Why is faith a bad thing to have? If anything needs to
be recovered from, it is the false nature of mankind that has twisted religion around to be somethng ugly and hurtful.
That is not how it was meant to be. I¼m sorry you¼ve been hurt, Kevin. You are in my prayers.
obsidianfawn (2004-10-06 20:14:54)
in my opinion, faith is not a bad thing to have. it¼s having faith for the wrong reasons that¼s bad. and if a
person¼s reason is only that their parents or whoever said that¼s what they should believe, that probably isn¼t
a very good reason.
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:59:28)
According to Christianity, faith is ”assurance of things hoped for, proof of things not seen.” (c.f. Hebrews 11:1) That
doesn¼t even make sense.
288
obsidianfawn (2004-10-10 00:20:20)
what i said doesn¼t make sense or what Christianity said doesn¼t make sense?
kevincarter (2004-10-09 23:57:36)
I¼m not talking about the false nature of mankind. In fact, I am even talking about the nature of the Judeo-Christian
God. If I worship a being, I want it to be one that actually exhibits justice in its actions. I don¼t think a God
that commanded Israelites to stone disobedient children (c.f. the entire book of Leviticus) is just. I do not believe
in the divine command theory of morality. Instead, we should establish justice in our society by means of Kant¼s
categorical imperative or some alternative and better moral ideology. If anything hurt me, it was holding onto the
concept of God. If God did exist, then he was the one who hurt me.
(2004-10-10 21:51:22)
have you looked deeper into the reason for these things? don¼t condemn before you understand context.
obsidianfawn (2004-10-06 20:12:02)
glad you¼re back from the abyss. its like ive always told you, you take things way too seriously. its just life, calm
down. everybody else is living it too. lol.
kevincarter (2004-10-10 00:00:28)
Good call.
obsidianfawn (2004-10-10 00:21:12)
dude I didn¼t even realise i commented so many times.
obsidianfawn (2004-10-10 00:21:55)
PS, i am spell real good.
ecredes (2004-10-06 22:03:56)
hey kevin...glad to hear you burnt the holy bible. i hope this means you¼re back to ”normal”..again... and if it does...i
need to talk to you about something...something i think you will find interesting.
kevincarter (2004-10-10 00:03:48)
hey kevin...glad to hear you burnt the holy bible. i hope this means you¼re back to ”normal” Hahaha Oh,
and Kratom! We should buy a kilogram. Or not.
ecredes (2004-10-10 01:28:00)
i think you¼re on to something here.
(2004-10-06 23:18:05) {{{A friend from you past}}}
Kevin, oh its been so long! Always have you been on my mind. And to finaly discover you have a live journal. You
dont know how much joy that brought to me. Ironic enugh i found this right in the time i felt insticfully some thing
needed my atention. Moments later i found this. Kevin you are one of the most briliant people i know, probably
the most briliant i will ever had the chance to know. Your love for music always astounded me, how you create such
beauty from a mear thought of what you herd. That gift can never be compared. I can compleetly understand the
way you feel and think right now.. that was my gift... i could feel and understand exactly how other people felt. You
have seen the crust of the bread, the loaf called christianity, you have seen the outer curst all burnt hard tough and
discusting.... A crust that doesnt have to be there, a crust that has only arived out of traditions and pointless ruteens.
We dont need the crust, however it does make you stronger if you learn to take it! Those who accept the crust become
stronger and better persons though its effect on the mind itself. That is common knoledge. But you can not deny
289
the bread itself, the soft calm bread that is a nessisary for our lives, we do not eat of the bread we die. I understand
the frustration of the result of the crust, and how it has harmed you, but dont stop eating that bread. Jesus himself
was a rebel... he hated how the church back then had become full of pointless ruteens and traditions. Jesus got in
arugments all the time with ”holly” people, calling them fools and burocrats. Did Jesus pick out the holyest people
to follow him around, and force rules and regulations on people!? NO! He picked out, thefs and con artists, and
people who lived out of self pleasure. And said follow me, and be a rebel against this world. Its comin knoledge that
if you keep enduring your own ways, and worldly things, you will come to a dead end, an end of frustration, and
emptyness, and unsatisfying hoplessness. Because we are desighned for some thing else. Do not let your heart harden
and let your mind take compleet conrol, for both are nessisary for life! Jesus didnt want us to be bound by rules and
regulations and to feel encapsulated in a shell of not being able to do stuff. Those who i have meet who love life, and
apreceated everying around them, and constantly travel and have a pure 100 % PASSION for life! They eat from the
soft core constantly, they walk life free of guilt and frustration and even the simple trubles of the world. Those who
got past the nasty ugly crust and saw the truth, and saw what is realy there. You love debate kevin, and in debate
one of the things you must do some times, is stop... drop what you may presume before, and debate what is realy the
underlinging truth, what are the results, what are the consiquences of being wrong, and what you realy are missing.
Man is naturaly genicital, he has an evil core from birth, no one has to tell a baby to disobey and to hate and atack
another... because that is the instict, thats why parents put rules on children so the grow up a good persion! I hope
you atleast consider these words kevin, i hope that you will atlest come one day to a realization that, there is limits,
there are boundrys, just as there are in a phiscal relm, the mind needs boundrys, or it will fail. God bless you kevin,
and i pray constantly that you will let God show you what true joy and happyness and truth realy is.
(2004-10-07 16:32:11) Re: {{{A friend from you past}}}
amen, and i second that: don¼t let your heart be hardened.
ecredes (2004-10-07 18:13:45) Re: {{{A friend from you past}}}
i feel that this needs to be said and i dont think anyone else is going to...so i will. You are retarded...god bless
You.
yesthatems (2004-10-08 03:16:13) Re: {{{A friend from you past}}}
But wait! There¼s more! God also blends, chops, and dices on three settings, removes unsightly facial hair, and
can substitute for butter in many recipes! Now available in seven(several) designer colors. Also, you may want to
consider learning how to spell if you want people to take you seriously.
(2004-10-10 00:06:05) Re: {{{A friend from you past}}}
<img src=”http://home.comcast.net/ kevvsan/pictures/gb2gbs.jpg”>
grey skye (2004-10-06 23:55:54)
Hahaha, grew up in a quasi-Hindu cult called Siddha Yoga and I totally understand. Isn¼t it weird the way you go
through phases where you think it¼s really speaking to you? I think I¼m finally out of it for good now, though, and
I¼m glad you feel the same.
kevincarter (2004-10-10 00:11:46)
That¼s exactly the phase I was going through. And I really do feel the same. :)
myth (2004-10-07 20:34:08)
Whew!
kevincarter (2004-10-10 00:12:01)
My thoughts exactly.
290
goldenburning (2004-10-07 22:22:28)
I know I shouldn¼t say I was disappointed that you found God, but I was a little disappointed when you found God.
I don¼t flatter myself that I know you very well, but I like what I know from what you write. It was kind of a
bummer to have possibly lost that.
kevincarter (2004-10-10 00:14:51)
If I would have found God, I wouldn¼t have been disappointed. But tricking myself into thinking I had found God
was definitely disappointing. I¼m really sorry I¼ve been out of touch. I¼ll do better with that, okay?
cressidas love (2004-10-09 02:47:22)
I noticed that you added me as a friend so I thought I would look at your journal. I am so glad to finally read
something that makes sense. I cannot think of a subject I have a stronger opinion on than indoctrination of children.
I grew up in Tulsa, Oklahoma (a.k.a. ”The belt-buckle of the Bible belt”, the home of Oral Roberts University, a
city which is small but still contains over 800 churches). I was raised a Christian. I was forced to go to two private
Christian schools for six years total. My mom is a pastor. I cannot tell you the endless amount of guilt and fear
I felt when I finally abandoned this senseless religion for reason. I still deal with thoughts in the back of my mind
about burning in hell for eternity. My little brother (who was 5 or 6 at the time) came home from school one day and
informed me that people who don¼t love Jesus go to hell when they die. I could go on forever on this topic. Sorry
to rant about this when I don¼t even know you, but I can definitely sympathize with you.
kevincarter (2004-10-10 00:21:51)
ORU is such a scary place. A lot of people at the school I went to from 4th grade to my freshman year of high
school, <a href=”http://www.fca-schools.org”>Faith Christian Academy</a>, end up going to schools like ORU.
Scary place. The guilt is what drew me back to it both times. Once this summer, and once very recently. When
your family tells you that you¼re going to burn in hell, it¼s very difficult to maintain a really close relationship
with them. Mostly, what I was subconsciously doing in my ”return” to Christianity was showing why the religion
will not work for me in any way possible. I am far too open-minded for even an esoteric branch of Christianity, let
alone mainstream conservatism. (The fact that I even had to say those words scares me, in fact.) Oh, and I saw your
Nietzsche post in the <lj user=”literaryquotes”> community too. It was amazing.
cressidas love (2004-10-10 02:52:08)
I agree, ORU is a scary place; sadly enough, it¼s one of the more normal Christian establishments in this city. I¼m
not sure if you¼ve ever read the quote Oral Roberts made concerning his investment in the City of Faith project
where a 900 foot tall Jesus came to him in a vision and consoled him, but that¼s not such a crazy claim compared
to some I¼ve heard living here. I also agree with you about being too open-minded to be a part of the religion.
Another big impediment to me when considering returning to the religion is the hypocrisy of the majority of people
who practice it. I find it funny that Christians will ignore the parts of the Bible they don¼t like, and then preach
against gays, saying they are sinning because the Bible says so. The Bible also says that women are not supposed
to speak at all in the church because it is ”disgraceful” (1 Corinthians 14:33-35) and that divorce for any reason
besides infidelity and re-marriage is adultery (spoken by Jesus Himself in Matthew 19:8-9), yet Christians choose to
ignore these parts of the Bible because women want to speak in the church and couples want to get divorced. Isn¼t
adultery as bad a sin as homosexuality? It is arguably worse, since one of the Ten Commandments is regarding
adultery, yet there are none regarding homosexuality. I could rant on and on about Christianity, but observing these
faults in the religion and in those who practice it has helped me overcome the guilt and fear of abandoning it. And
yes, Nietzsche is amazing. One more thing and then I will stop rambling: ”Of all religions, the Christian is without
doubt the one which should inspire tolerance most, although up to now the Christians have been the most intolerant
of all men.” – Voltaire
291
initiates anima (2004-10-10 21:12:05)
Oh my God I live next to Faith Christian Academy! I¼ve always thought it to be rather cult-ish...
(2004-10-10 21:54:28)
guilt is from the enemy. it has nothing to do with God, because God is about love.
cressidas love (2004-10-10 23:08:05)
Why would Satan make you feel guilty about turning away from God? Don¼t you think the ”enemy” would leave
you alone if you were doing what he wants? The guilt is a natural reaction to abandoning something that your
family and friends deeply wish for you to hold on to.
pseudo dave (2004-10-10 19:57:49)
your taste in music is immaculate. and youve got balls for doing what youve done. judgment is dirty laundry. as soon
as i escape home, im moving to seattle and starting a non judgmental church, in which i preach and i dont give an f
about the crap people do. just try and help em you know. i wont teach docterine, ill teach beauty
kevincarter (2004-10-14 18:28:41)
Haha, I think immaculate is a funny word to use in this circumstance, but thank you. Judgment is dirty laundry,
even according to strict Biblical literalism, but the judgmental side of me was really exhibiting itself when I was
writing a few weeks ago. A non-judgmental church, however, without ability to discern what is just or unjust, really
wouldn¼t do much good. If you¼re preaching to someone, you probably do give a fuck about what they do. :) I
think beauty is an amazing doctrine to teach, but if you¼re in a strict conservative Christian church, it¼s a difficult
one to teach. For instance, some people believe that erotic fiction or pornography is beautiful. How would you deal
with a claim like that? Clearly, according to a strict Biblical interpretation (hardly legalism for Christians, since this
was one of Christ¼s teachings) ”anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her
in his heart” (Matt. 5:28). It doesn¼t seem like this really upholds the doctrine of beauty above all. Despite the
problems, that¼s a very interesting perspective.
pseudo dave (2004-10-11 03:48:52)
i was thinking, religion is man reaching out to God...the law of moses was religion you know, and that tottaly became
corrupt and split into the pharasiese and the saducese.my point is, religion is like eating from the tree of the knowledge
of good and evil, and that brings death. but when you reach out with your heart to God and to christ, thats eating
from the tree of life,and all that can bring is beauty.
kevincarter (2004-10-14 18:31:06)
Religion is definitely man reaching out for God, I would agree. But the Law of Moses was not religion; according
to the Bible it was the Law of God. It wasn¼t religion. It was God¼s direct commandments to humanity. The
Pharisees and the Sadducees were less concerned with Mosaic law than they were stuff in Leviticus and later church
doctrine, I think. If religion is like eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, then that¼s just one more
ridiculous commandment. That would be God not wanting Adam and Eve to eat the fruit of religion.
pseudo dave (2004-10-14 22:34:07)
you reall know what your talkin about. and as youll come to find, i have a horrible choice in wording. basically, i
want to start a non judgmental and non hypocrytical church, were as i dont refuse anyone or turn anyone away. i
know my mind isnt so sharp, but atleast my heart is in the right place
songandcheer (2004-10-16 06:18:17) 44
I really would too.
292
2.7.9
(2004-10-15 14:48)
Your love’s essence
Is luminescence,
But what I miss
Is just your kiss.
Grandiloquent
Words that I sent
Are not the art.
No: that’s your heart.
A love I have,
A life I halve,
Erasing words.
Since songs are birds,
Now I’ll fly off
And kick that cough.
2.7.10
(2004-10-15 15:16)
I got trés stoned and went to a film by Trey and Stone.
2.7.11
(2004-10-18 18:01)
Notebook (03/11/04)
Standing out in the near-frost of a Thursday night, alone, I must be crazy. Or masochistic, or some combination of the two. Clouding my lungs with bittersweet smoke, I savor that burn at the back of my throat.
It’s like a shot of bad vodka. Ash greys the white on my shoe, and I realize how loneliness feels, the sickening
pain, making me nauseated and jaded.
I watch other people succumb to the habit too, leaving traces of the absence of presence and the presence of absence in their littered cigarette butts strewn about on the concrete under six no-smoking signs.
And this last cigarette (must’ve smoked a pack today) looks imperfectly beautiful, which is really perfectly
beautiful, the end of it curving, twisting, turning into oblivion. I wonder if a trash aesthetic can be one
that governs a life. Ugliness is beautiful too, absurdly misformed human faces cause smiles when they smile,
beautifully reminding us of the gifts we have been given. They’re just accidents of God. Why is my sensitivity to beauty such that even ugliness, grotesqueness, is beautiful? I’m going to eat beauty like bananafishes
until I’m full and explode.
My left hand is growing colder by the second. this notebook, after a single day, is falling apart. Am I
really this lonely, that my confessions have to come out on paper rather than out of my mouth?
Am I out of time to change things, already so drawn into their web that I can’t ever make my way out?
293
I’m subcultured out, marginalized in every situation. Oh, wow, I’m sure that no one’s ever felt like that
before.
2.7.12
(2004-10-19 13:32)
”Lindsey Marie Whitacre”
(an anagram poem)
Icy dreamer twins lie &
Rehearse wild intimacy.
”I’m dirty ice, healer swan.
Hail Mary.” We’d recite sin.
(Wry heretic’s idle mania.)
Her wise liar mendacity &
Warm-eyed nihilist care.
Rhyme, wit, lies, radiance.
Trim, wise, racy headline:
Years Hide Twin Miracle!
Icy dreamer twins lie.
groupie supreme (2004-10-20 19:33:20)
What, no groupies?
kevincarter (2004-10-20 20:58:52)
Apparently, the Internet doesn¼t share my obsessive love of anagrammatical wordplay and abstruse ”kiss-off piss
off” poetry. I may have to result to photo whoring at this rate. :)
cressidas love (2004-10-22 21:04:33)
People aren¼t smart enough to share your interest.
dagidham (2004-10-31 14:34:06)
My question has been forwarded to you: Does Alisha have a slight lisp when she talks, however slight (or not slight)?
How strong is the lisp if there is one?
pedrofeo (2004-11-03 08:58:18)
http://www.livejournal.com/community/cu boulder/169455.html
2.7.13
(2004-10-19 15:43)
ALL AROUND YOU.
ALL IS FULL OF LOVE.
(BUT YOU JUST AIN’T RECEIVING)
294
(YOUR PHONE IS OFF THE HOOK)
(YOUR DOORS ARE SHUT)
(IN ANY LANGUAGE, ALL IS FULL OF LOVE)
2.7.14
(2004-10-25 01:49)
ineffectual intellectual
2.7.15
(2004-10-29 05:27)
I’m tripping shrooms and basically just had the most beautiful experience of my life.
2.8
November
2.8.1
”Election” Day (2004-11-03 09:58)
Will someone please tell me why John Kerry already called Bush to concede this election? Why is this
country relying on what the corporate media is reporting as the ”projected” election results as the objective
truth? There are so many states where the margin of victory was so small that the intention of citizens
would certainly benefit from a recount, or at the very least, the forced assurance that every provisional ballot
is counted. Yet Kerry did the exact same thing Gore did last election, giving up well before it was time for
him to do so.
Bush supporters: do you honestly feel that this man is the most qualified person to run our country?
Do you feel that he possesses character, integrity, knowledge, or ability more than any other individual in
the United States? Should a war hawk be the commander-in-chief of our military forces, sending our young
men to die for political gain and global imperialistic hegemony?
Everything is becoming globalized. George W. Bush will continue his ”war on terror,” which indiscriminately murders innocent Iraqi citizens for the establishment of a U.S.-controlled puppet government. They
are stripping away our civil liberties. Do you know that your library record is available to the FBI? Do you
know that their definition of terrorist is as flexible as they want?
The Electoral College is an archaic, antediluvian remnant of the Federalist movement. Our ”Founding
Fathers” didn’t want citizens to decide on the Presidency. They wanted an elected elite. That is the entire
foundation of Republican (big ’R’ and small ’r’) politics. Taking power from the people, power from the
individual, and bestowing it to bureaucratic corporate-controlled fat cats.
Listen to much-venerated Publius address our nation in [1]Federalist Paper #10:
The effect of the first difference is, on the one hand, to refine and enlarge the public views, by
passing them through the medium of a chosen body of citizens, whose wisdom may best discern
the true interest of their country, and whose patriotism and love of justice will be least likely to
sacrifice it to temporary or partial considerations. Under such a regulation, it may well happen
295
that the public voice, pronounced by the representatives of the people, will be more consonant to
the public good than if pronounced by the people themselves, convened for the purpose. On the
other hand, the effect may be inverted. Men of factious tempers, of local prejudices, or of sinister
designs, may, by intrigue, by corruption, or by other means, first obtain the suffrages, and then
betray the interests, of the people.
I do not need the so-called ”wisdom” of a bunch of elitist pricks to interpret what I mean when I cast my
vote in favor of John Kerry rather than a tyrant. There is no interpretation concerned. Why is this country
still content with undemocratic ideals? Why is John Kerry too weak to stand up and wait for the votes to
be counted? He is lying down before the election is over. He is speaking at 11 o’clock. They had a nice
little chat on the phone promising to do whatever it takes to unite the country. Wonderful. Let’s let our
troops continue dying overseas, and we can all unite together and have a big nation-wide block party! Let’s
celebrate:
COLLATERAL DAMAGE
THE NEW WORLD ORDER
COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM
JESUS THE REPUBLICAN
EXTERMINATION OF THE OTHER
When is revolution justified? I’m talking about peaceful revolution first, sitting on the White House lawn
chanting Blake and Thoreau, asking to talk to the President as a concerned citizen. Can you imagine the
reaction at the doors of the White House if you asked for a discussion with him? You would be scoffed at
and thrown out on your ass. It’s because they don’t care about the opinions of the people. They have a
moneyed elite (Bush’s ”base,” as his telling joke revealed) governing what happens in our everyday life.
[2]400 million people in our world are going hungry daily. There are [3]43.6 million people without health
care in this country. Our country has killed [4]16,000 Iraqis.
I feel like those people in Waking Life, walking down the street. They know all the theory, but they’re
never ready to take action. Someone tell me how to take action, please. Someone tell me how to make
sense in this nonsensical world, how to make sense in it and make sense of it. Or at least how to make the
absurdity that goes on function in a just way. I am obsessed with justice. I’m obsessed with its implications
on how we govern the world. And I can read all the dead philosophers, but will they tell me what justice
means and how to achieve it?
I want to write manifestoes. I want to grow, change, and evolve. I want to erase the negative patterns
of the past from my life and press forward, feeling the tingling in my toes when I read about how everything
can change. I want to change it, no longer being content with ineffectuality in a world that is incomprehensible. Let’s make the world comprehensible. Do you know that we can change it? We can change it.
Everything is open, and life is full of possibilities. Stop believing what your parents told you. They only
think that because their parents told them that. It’s the panopticon, and we can escape it. We are not forced
to live in a jail. Let’s steal the keys from the smug, old jailkeeper while he’s sleeping. Let’s have a jailbreak.
1. http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/federal/fed10.htm
2. http://www.stedwards.edu/ursery/singer.htm
3. http://www.smcm.edu/users/hlzlatarich/
4. http://www.iraqbodycount.net/
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apathyboy (2004-11-03 17:41:16)
Do you know that your library record is available to the FBI? I heard that some libraries stopped keeping
records. They only have them if you¼re in possesion of one of their books. So if some dick steals a book, the FBI
will have every chance to get his record.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 18:05:06)
Some libraries across the country have <a href=”http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/03/10/MN
14634.DTL”>posted warnings</a> to their patrons, and some have gone so far as carrying out acts of civil disobedience by <a href=”http://www.jsonline.com/news/state/oct03/175277.asp”>destroyin g patron records</a>.
The fact is that these laws are draconian and oppressive, undermining citizens¼ right to privacy. The
<a href=”http://www.epic.org”>Electronic Privacy Information Center</a> provides one of the best breakdowns of the PATRIOT Act that I have seen so far right <a href=”http://www.epic.org/privacy/terrorism/usapatriot/”>here</a>.
wynand (2004-11-03 17:46:53)
So what¼s justice? Why should we value it? Why can¼t we follow up on old Mr. Foucault and build lives of our
own, off the Grid? That may be the best way to make the world comprehensible. You start colonizing an island
by building your own house. Apropos of library records and peaceful protest: I¼m thinking of going down today
and checking out a bunch of books on anarchy and violent revolution, seeing what happens. There¼s a great R.
Crumb comic called ”Don¼t Tempt Fate” (available in Mystic Comix #3, out in 2002, probably available in most
incense/head shops) involving Crumb deliberately standing in front of a kid who throws bricks, trying to show him
through self-destruction the immorality of his actions. That¼s probably a good political response these days.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 18:18:06)
I wish that I knew what justice is. Every definition I¼ve tried to provide for it has failed. And I¼ve tried a lot of
them, from the subjective Rawlsian ”justice is fairness” to the divine-command theory, even dipping into Transcendental concepts of individual interest and a Nietzschean denial of the existence of defineable morality. Thankfully, a
lot of other people (Plato and Glaucon, among a handful of others) have struggled with the problem, which is slightly
consolatory. That Crumb comic sounds amazing. I¼ll definitely have to check it out when I¼m at the library (or
headshop) today, as well as actually reading Gandhi and King rather than blindly believing what other people tell me
about them. Also, thanks for your post this morning. It made me extremely angry, so I tried to positively channel
the anger through creation. P.S. Don¼t respond to the 3-way-fight argument.
wake up donnie (2004-11-03 18:25:53)
I¼m actually writing a short story on justice, in fact the story of Socrates vs. Glaucon, it should be done by tomorrow. I¼ll send it to you. But how about this. This is my teacher¼s definition: Justice is a virtue whereby each
essential component of a complex entity executes its appropriate function while never interferring in the functions
of any other component of that entity. In that sense, the US in itself is not just. of course that also implies that the
rulers are actually ruling properly, which quite obviously isn¼t the case. Sorry about the rambling and if none of
this made sense but I¼m just as mad as you are
kevincarter (2004-11-03 21:35:28)
That sounds like a great story! I¼m glad you¼re enjoying your philosophy class so much this semester. Here¼s
my problem with the definition: how can each essential component of a complex entity execute its appropriate
function if it is not interfering in the way of the inappropriate functions of that entity? By definition, they would
have to. Are just things, then, the only essential things? How could we determine justice without injustice? Also,
how is the idea of appropriateness or propriety determined? Is it determined and fatalistic or undetermined and
full of life? These are the questions that will probably make me read philosophy books for the rest of my life. The
US is acting entirely unjustly, if you operate under Kantian moral principles, or even a system of utiliarian cost-
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benefit analysis. Not only is our country continuing to operate in accordance with exploitative foreign economic
and military policy, but the current administration is operating unjustly with regard to domestic policy as well.
Your ”rambling” which wasn¼t rambling at all made tons of sense to me. We have to harness this anger and turn
it into something better, something just.
wynand (2004-11-03 18:42:27)
Apropos of the 3-way fight argument: too late!
zztknightt (2004-11-03 17:54:06)
George Bush fairly won the election. He got the needed electoral votes and overwhelmingly won the popular vote.
John Kerry has conceded. It is time to move on. I am proud of Kerry. I am proud of his campaign. I am proud of
John Edwards and Teresa Heinz-Kerry. But it¼s time for us to realize that this election is over, and we must think
about the future now. 2008...
kevincarter (2004-11-03 18:27:51)
That¼s precisely what I¼m criticizing. George W. Bush did not fairly win the election, because the electoral college
is not a fair system. Electoral votes should not determine the course of an election. Can we at least wait until all
of the ballots are counted? Provisional ballots, absentee ballots, military ballots? My point is precisely that John
Kerry should not concede yet! It¼s not time to worry about the future. It¼s time to worry about the
present. Are the American people really going to stand for this decision? I feel like this is equivalent to saying ”I¼m
against the War in Iraq, but the decision has been made, so GO USA!!! WE SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!!” The way
to really support our troops is to bring them home. Does anyone really believe that the United States
governmental system is flawless? Our electoral process is really fucked up right now, and watching the election last
night made me realize that. I¼m not just talking about provisional votes in Ohio. People are relying on Fox News¼
predictions on what ballots will ultimately say. That sounds like a really dangerous idea to me, since that¼s exactly
what happened in 2000. Supposedly the ”math doesn¼t add up” for Kerry, but what about states other than Ohio?
Their votes are contestably close. This election should not be over. Why isn¼t the Kerry campaign team looking at
other states? Maybe those nice Midwestern folks were just joking.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 18:33:40)
For further study on the media¼s influence on the way the election results actually boil down, see <a
href=”http://www.guardian.co.uk/US election race/Story/0,2763,399882,00.html”>this article</a> in The
Guardian and another media critique and exposé at <a href=”http://mediastudy.com/articles/jellis.html”>mediastudy.com</a> .
zztknightt (2004-11-03 18:50:30)
kev, i love your thoughts and i¼m glad that you¼re still fighting the good fight. but despite the florida of last
election, i¼m confident that, this time around, the stations knew what they were calling, and bush won the election.
cbs was especially cautious, and they, too, have called it for bush. i¼m as upset as you are about bush¼s politics.
but i¼m also realistic. sorry man, the people have spoken... and they disagree with us...
obsidianfawn (2004-11-03 22:56:06)
You are refreshingly mature. Thank you for showing me that people can be adult about this.
zztknightt (2004-11-04 01:58:11)
well, i won¼t lie. i¼m hurt, i¼m very depressed, i¼m angry, and i¼m just really messed up physically and
mentally. but at the same time, i¼m realistic. sometimes the best way to get past a troublesome situation is just
to move on...
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obsidianfawn (2004-11-04 15:05:34)
I friended you, is that alright?
kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:04:04)
The people haven¼t spoken yet, because we can¼t even hear their voices yet, just predictions of what their voices
might be saying. We don¼t have all of the votes and because of this don¼t know the intention of the country¼s
voters. Their intention may not be electing Kerry, but I think it¼s worth looking into.
zztknightt (2004-11-04 01:59:57)
those predictions are reflective enough of what the people said. i respect your opinions quite a bit, but i¼m yet
to hear someone else try to convince others that this election isn¼t over. there would need to be MASSIVE
differences between the predictions and the final votes, and that¼s not happening.
xcape reality03 (2004-11-03 17:57:14)
Kevin, this made me feel slightly better, thank you.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:05:38)
Thanks, Mollye. Your post today about what happened was excellent. I¼m glad to see that other people are upset
about these issues too.
There is no action to take because... who do we take action against? They remain un-named. They¼re faceless. all
hail to the thief.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:12:21)
But they aren¼t faceless. We have to take action against the neo-cons, the deceivers, the puppet puppeteers. We
elected them, we know what they look like, and they are responsible to us. Reform is the only action we can take.
wake up donnie (2004-11-03 18:19:46) I'm announcing my candidacy for 2024
Well fuck, now you¼ve inspired me to write. You¼re right. It¼s time that we started speaking up against the things
that we see as wrong. I¼m ready to get mobilized and how about you. we¼re never going to get change as long as
we stay the current path and only blow smoke. It is time that we remade writing into what it once was: A means to
evoke change.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:15:19) Re: I'm announcing my candidacy for 2024
I¼m ready to get mobilized too. I¼m working on a November novel project (that might distract from ours for the
time being) about the Christian church as a pedagogical and hierarchical societal power, basically satirizing fundamentalism for its hypocrisy. I¼m writing it in almost a monologue style, sort of like the way some of Faulkner¼s
writing is structured. Let¼s use these emotions. Let¼s evoke some change.
wake up donnie (2004-11-04 00:51:43) Re: I'm announcing my candidacy for 2024
Answer your damned phone. I went over to your room after I got out of film class but you weren¼t there. I was
going to tell you about my new idea and how we¼re going to make it a realization. Do you think that you could
write about 10 mins worth of a dream? I¼ll explain it all when you call me.
bethyjoy (2004-11-03 18:33:40)
Wow. You¼re so articulate when you rant.
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kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:17:50)
Thanks, Beth. I loved the story about the fighting four-year-olds. :)
bassist (2004-11-03 19:22:41)
You want change, run for office.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:24:28)
This is a common bit of advice, but I don¼t think it¼s appropriate to give it to anyone who wants change or to
express a political opinion. As an undergraduate college student right now, I neither have the qualifications nor the
time for political service. Nor do I have enough experience in civic duty to garner support for a candidacy. I am
merely a concerned citizen expressing my beliefs. Not everyone has the ability to run for political office, and it¼s
not fair to tell people who want change that if they don¼t run, their voice shouldn¼t be heard.
bassist (2004-11-04 04:18:04)
I would wholeheartedly disagree. A few years ago, a 20-year-old CU student was elected to Boulder City Council.
It may only be a small step, but it¼s a first step and it¼s a good step. I certainly think everyone¼s voice should
be heard, but no matter what, no one can acurately and completely represent you. The reason I haven¼t run for
office is because I work in journalism. I don¼t tru;y have a say, but I can put pressure on those who do to do a
better job. I can¼t speak for others, but I can help others speak for themselves.
mycalliope (2004-11-04 05:21:54)
I think that people can be involved in change without being politicians. Intellectuals, for example, are extremely
important in movement for social change.
dive (2004-11-03 19:33:20)
”Will someone please tell me why John Kerry already called Bush to concede this election? Why is this country
relying on what the corporate media is reporting as the ”projected” election results as the objective truth? There are
so many states where the margin of victory was so small that the intention of citizens would certainly benefit from a
recount, or at the very least, the forced assurance that every provisional ballot is counted. Yet Kerry did the exact
same thing Gore did last election, giving up well before it was time for him to do so. Because you can project
how the votes will turn out usually. As time will show, I¼m sure, these projections will be correct. It would take
some kind of freakish statistic impossibility for the remaining votes to change the outcome. I agree that this country
needs a drastic change. But as for me, I wish we would head far right rather than far left. But, that¼s just my
opinion. I will cast my votes as I see fit, but I will continue to support the decision of the majority even if it is not in
agreement with my personal decisions. Because that is what America is about.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:30:31)
These predictions may be correct, but Kerry should not have let predictions determine how long he stayed in the
race. He should have waited for solid facts and then made his decision. Heading farther right is heading towards
corporate control, governmental totalitarianism and legally prescripted morality, more wars, fewer social programs,
and fewer civil liberties. The decision of the majority has nothing to do with who¼s President, which (yet again) is
my problem with the entire process.
misskrist (2004-11-03 19:33:31)
Thank you, Kevin.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:32:38)
You¼re welcome, Kristina. How have you been lately? You should stop hiding in Fort Collins and hang out down
here. We need to have a group get together during Thanksgiving break.
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misskrist (2004-11-04 05:14:58)
Been well, despite the times. I am down for a get together. Let¼s catch up soon.
readytostand (2004-11-03 19:35:19)
Faced with a similar frustration at such a lack of power myself, I¼ve found a way to diminish my anxiety over the
bigger issues.. I spent most of my highschool years freaking out because I couldn¼t do enough to make people WAKE
UP. You stupid fuckers, DONT YOU REALIZE...it only sent me into a continuous tornado of anger. But the thing
that both you and I, and many of our other peers DO have, is writing. Articulate, by all means. I just spent that
last five minutes reading that while I should be studying. Those people in waking life technically ARE taking action,
because they are involved in a movie that has inspired and provoked so much though in so many of us. You can
do this too. Manifestos, hell yes my friend, do that shit. Also, post it on your journal, you are half the times more
interesting than half the people on my friends list.
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:41:59)
First, how do you diminish your anxiety? I really want to know. I know the exact feeling you¼re talking about as
far as high school goes. People were never willing to question any of the norms that had already been established
in them by their parents. I¼m glad that we both seem to be finding a different environment where we can thrive
in the free marketplace of ideas. What you have been creating lately has fascinated me, whether it¼s your writing
about theology or your pictures. Keep creating, whatever you do.
readytostand (2004-11-04 05:39:57)
I learned to accept.
have you tried practicing zen?
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:44:57)
I¼ve read quite a bit about Zen (the koan method of teaching in particular, which I find fascinating in that they¼re
absurd parables) and have actually tried a few different styles of Zen meditation, but I don¼t think I have gotten
to the level of realization that other people have. Will you teach me about it?
sure thing. there are many different styles of zen, as you have said. this summer i practiced soto zen at Tassajara
Zen Center in California, and i would love to relate the details of the method of sitting taught there (zazen). i am not
sure if you¼d like me to explain in this post or via email or other; let me know because it can be difficult to explain
and/or understand if you are not familiar with it. Anyway, i really do recommend a form of meditation to all. at
first it served merely to aid me in cultivating mindfulness, awareness, consciousness, but as my practice continues
there are some strange things starting to happen to me during sitting. most recently i¼ve held some chants in mind
that are infused with explosively conscious energy, but that¼s an entirely different tangent... anyway, if you¼d like
me to type-explain i will probably do so on my blog so as not to take up all your post-space. let me know :)
(2004-11-03 23:23:24) your vote
who did you vote for? and what are your reasons, good post by the way.
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:45:54) Re: your vote
I voted for Kerry, because I was placed within a false dichotomy, and because of our fucked up electoral system, I
had to operate within it.
301
(2004-11-05 04:01:31) Re: your vote
how would you go about changing the way we vote then?
daredevilninja (2004-11-05 08:48:16) 16000 iraqis
i dont know where you got that number or if it includes civilian deaths but according to the bbc we have killed over
100,000 iraqi civilians alone, and how!
2.8.2
(2004-11-03 13:43)
Liberals, progressives, fellow pinkos, read this! Conservatives, you too.
Okay, sorry for another boring political post today, but after Kerry and Edwards’ ”concession speeches,”
I’m baffled. One of two things is happening:
1. Kerry, Edwards, and their entire campaign team are being totally illogical and are not considering
the options that they have
or
2. They’re being extremely crafty politicians and are playing the gracious losers in order to somehow have a
better position during the appeal process when it finally becomes apparent to people that an appeal process
is necessary. Does anyone else remember when Gore conceded the 2000 election and then [1]retracted it?
This is still possible. Do not give up hope, Democrats! Kerry did this for political reasons.
I hope it’s 2, but if it’s 1, they are being irresponsible if they don’t look at the vote breakdown. An excellent
point-over electoral college map is available right now on the main page at [2]denverpost.com. Currently,
New Mexico (a state Kerry had been campaigning in extensively) and Iowa (leaning towards Kerry before
the election) haven’t even turned in their votes yet. That’s absurd. These politicians are relying on the
predictions of interested corporate media networks rather than finalized official vote reports! How about we
do something radical and actually count all the votes before we decide who won the election? What about
appeals in places like Nevada? The vote in Nevada is only 21,567 votes. Why not ask for a recount there?
It’s five electoral votes. Bush only has 274 electoral votes right now, even if you count Ohio as somehow
being magically given to him, despite provisional votes, which are extremely relevant in this election. Ohio
matters, of course, but Ohio isn’t the only contestable state! If Nevada votes with Kerry after provisional
ballots are counted, Bush’s would have 269 electoral votes, one less than the required 270! Which means the
election is not guaranteed. We’re relying on what are essentially early reports from states before they even
count anything! This is extremely dangerous, and it isn’t following correct electoral procedure. As much as
I despise the electoral college, there are still certain loopholes in the letter of the law which may be able to
help us out in this situation.
I think there is hope that Kerry/Edwards might actually do this. Did anyone else hear the Edwards’
speech, where he essentially said that they would wait and make sure that all the votes were counted? One
news anchor referred to the speeches as a political game of good cop/bad cop, where these candidates are
being conciliatory because it’s sort of expected of them. Edwards is playing bad cop because his political
career is no longer on the line, after he resigned from his Senate position following one term. That could
potentially be why the election team decided to have him deliver the speech instead of Kerry. Kerry’s playing
the ”uniter not divider” role, which even if the campaign is contested and the appeal process fails can be
used to squelch Bush’s chances at an approval of extremely conservative Supreme Court justices or vetoes
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on progressive legislation in Congress.
I think this could potentially be a very viable political theory, so if any of you think that #1 is actually the case, please find a way to get a rambling politically-fascinated teenager a way to talk with the head
of Kerry’s campaign advisors.
TL;DR people: Kerry can still retract his concession, and this election is not over.
1. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/1015441.stm
2. http://www.denverpost.com/
thedexter (2004-11-03 21:12:11)
If Bush loses Nevada and then ends up with 269 votes then he wins the election by virtue of the election going to
the House. The provisional ballots remaining in Ohio would have to be nearly unanimously for Kerry for Kerry to
win. There¼s only one news organization reporting the vote tallies, and that¼s the Associated Press. Concession
doesn¼t have legal weight. If it turns out that Kerry won Ohio or Nevada and Iowa or whatever then he¼ll win the
election.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 22:07:39)
First point, agreed. But shouldn¼t we follow proper electoral procedure instead of this absurd and irrelevant concession? You¼re right about the second too, but again, with a qualification. The provisional ballots would almost
require unanimity for Kerry to win the state. But this excludes the possibility of electoral inconsistencies and irregularities, not just in Ohio, but across the country. Shouldn¼t the process be appealed as much as possible to make
sure ballots were correctly counted? What about marginalization of African-American voters, which was an issue in
2000 and is also being discussed right now? I see very little consistency in the vote tallies right now, even in the
electoral vote tallies. Fox News, CNN, NBC, and my local Fox affiliate were all broadcasting different electoral tallies
this morning. (That¼s a lot more than just the AP.) They are largely hypothesizing what the final vote count is
going to be. It¼s fine that they¼re doing that, but should we as a country trust the press implicitly on this one?
I don¼t think so. You¼re exactly right about the fact that concession has no legal weight. If it had legal weight,
then the recount in the 2000 elections would have been impossible.
thedexter (2004-11-05 18:34:33)
http://www.emergingdemocraticmajorityweblog.com/donkeyrising/archive s/000926.php
zztknightt (2004-11-03 21:41:25)
kev, it¼s over. if it wasn¼t over, networks and websites wouldn¼t be reporting it like this. florida never went to
this level. kerry lost ohio, and he lost the election. i know it hurts and it¼s tough to live with, but it¼s reality.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 22:12:44)
Florida did go to this level, when it was first wrongly announced by Fox News in favor of Bush. Your problem is that
you¼re trusting the conventional media on this one. It¼s one thing to glean information from the media, but we
cannot trust what they say as perfect truth. These editorials and even so-called ”facts” are biased. Otherwise every
network would have had the same electoral vote count last night. Does that make sense? The media is unfortunately
not held to a high standard when it comes to telling untruths. That¼s one of the things that Michael Moore discussed
in Bowling For Columbine: the culture of fear that the media propagates on a daily basis. Kerry has not
lost Ohio. There are still votes to be counted. Before we declare a winner, I think we should count the votes. It¼s
sort of a crazy idea, but it just might work.
303
dive (2004-11-03 22:32:40)
First, Michael Moore is an idiot. :) One of the reaons networks have differing electoral counts is because they analyze
the current results and then take in to account the voting trends of the unreported precents, etc, etc and decide
how they guess the state will go. Most of the major networks have their own team that decides on when they think
it¼s assured enough to call it one way or the other. Fox sat at 269 forever last night, because they just weren¼t
sure how the remaining states would go, but were pretty sure Ohio was going to Bush. Now, other stations thought
Ohio was still in dispute but gave New Mexico and/or Nevada to Bush. It¼s all based on how they inertpreted the
information they had, not so much political bias. Though I wouldn¼t be so foolish as to think that had no impact.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 22:43:55)
First off, Michael Moore is not an idiot. While I would hardly give him the title of liberal rhetoric mastermind or
anything, he¼s not a stupid person, and he¼s actually alerting some Americans (in a humorous style) about some
of the dangerous things that are going on in our country. I feel the same way about Al Franken and Jon Stewart.
If I want to read people who are really espousing liberal ideology, I will read Noam Chomsky or Howard Zinn. I
think it¼s hilarious that in terms of entertainers who are interested in politics, Moore¼s political counterparts
are people like Bill O¼Reilly and Ann Coulter, popular figureheads. Moore comes off much better than any of
his counterparts. You pinpointed why there are differing electoral counts. I¼m saying that we should rely on
assumptions, predictions, or suppositions. We should rely on exactly what the votes say. Fox sat at 269 last night
because they are conservative. CNN stayed at 249 because they are liberal. That¼s the way it works. Our media
reports very few objective facts to us, particularly when they¼re in the dark concerning the amount of information
they have. News networks¼ interpretations of the information they have directly corresponds with their political
bias.
dive (2004-11-03 22:50:56)
I really don¼t think Moore¼s style is humorous at all, but that¼s just me. I find Moore¼s ideas to be a loosely
thrown together attempt to stirr up controversity and make himself known. I¼ve yet to see the ”conservative
response” to F9/1 (I can¼t recall the name at the moment) but I¼m sure it will be just as worthless. I¼m a
huge Jon Stewart fan, though. That man is funny. :)
kevincarter (2004-11-03 22:57:11)
Oh, come on... reading the Patriot Act from a loudspeaker on an ice cream truck so that Congressmen could
actually know what it says? That¼s comedy gold. Have you read any of Moore¼s books or seen any of his
movies? I think that¼s not an unfair criterion for making a criticism of him. The conservative response to Moore
is basically to pick out minute inconsistencies (usually just ironic jokes) in his research and try to invalidate his
overarching points that way. Oh, and a lot of them say ”Michael Moore is fat, lol.” Shallow ad hominem
attacks are enough to win anyone over, right? Jon Stewart is one of the only reasons I watch TV at all. :)
dive (2004-11-03 23:02:15)
I didn¼t find it comedy gold, but maybe that¼s just me. I¼ve seen F9/11 and Bowling. I hated both. So
you¼ve seen the movie already? What is it called, since I can¼t seem to remember at all? I¼d like to see both
sides.
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:04:00)
What objections did you have to Fahrenheit 9/11 or Bowling for Columbine? I think the movie you¼re thinking
about is <a href=”http://www.fahrenhype911.com/”>Fahrenhype 9/11</a>. But there are a ton of movies
that are claiming to be the conservative alternative to Moore¼s.
304
dive (2004-11-03 21:44:22)
As already stated, if it goes down to 269 and 269, then the vote goes to the House. Which almost assuredly will vote
Bush. The provisional ballots most likely will not be enough to change the outcome. Usually only 15 %-25 % of the
provisionals are even valid ballots at all, and even if all of that percentage was Kerry votes then Ohio would still go
Bush. Of course I¼d love to see all the votes counted, and I believe they will be. I just really doubt that the outcome
will change.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 21:59:55)
Usually only 15 %-25 % of the provisionals are even valid ballots at all, and even if all
of that percentage was Kerry votes then Ohio would still go Bush. That is simply not true.
From <a href=”http://wireservice.wired.com/wired/story.asp?section=Breaking &storyId=945101 &tw=wn wire
story”>Reuters</a>: ”An official in Ohio¼s secretary of state¼s office said on Wednesday, ¼We still have to
count every ballot, regardless of whether Mr. Kerry conceded or not.¼ Although some of Ohio¼s votes were cast
on punch-card ballots that caused many controversies over ¼hanging chads¼ in Florida¼s counties, this presented
less of an issue in Ohio due to a uniform statewide standard, Huefner said. In any case, punch cards were primarily
used in Republican-heavy rural counties and would have favored Bush. Ohio¼s Secretary of State Ken Blackwell, a
Republican, had said it would be impossible to say who won Ohio if the difference between Bush and Kerry in the
raw-vote total was smaller than the number of outstanding provisional votes. Blackwell had ordered local election
officials not to even begin counting provisional ballots until noon on Thursday. In 2000, when 100,000 provisional
ballots were cast, Blackwell said about 90 percent of them were legitimate.” I agree with you that in all
likelihood, if Ohio stays on Bush¼s side (which isn¼t officially the case yet), Kerry will lose the election. However,
there is still the possibility (after hearing Edwards¼ speech, I would go so far as to say probability) that an appeal
process could occur. Regardless of the outcome of this election, I think it has shown us very important changes that
must be made in the electoral process. Of course, I thought that about the last election, and very little changed. So
I guess we¼ll have to act first and then see what happens.
zztknightt (2004-11-03 22:04:31)
kev, you¼re putting together a string of ”what if”s and going against every other news source in the planet. if you
acknowledge this and still insist that it¼s not over, then all i can say is good luck and i hope you¼re somehow
right.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 22:15:21)
I¼m not asserting that Kerry will win the election, simply that the election is not yet over and that Kerry has a
chance of winning left. However improbable, it is in any case possible. I am not going against every news source
on the planet, as you might have been able to tell by my comments on these past few posts. I¼m using some of
what the media is saying to justify my own views. Also: I haven¼t talked to you in a really long time. Do you
still have AIM?
zztknightt (2004-11-03 22:46:03)
i can¼t think of many major news sources (or any?) if the top of my head that seem to think this race is still
in doubt. i understand it¼s media projection and what not, but i¼m 100 % positive that they wouldn¼t call
ohio like this if it was definitely for kerry, especially after the florida incident. and kerry¼s, what, 130,000 votes
behind in ohio? if there were 250,000 ballots left, then he would need... 190,000? not happening. yeah, i still use
aim... haven¼t talked to you much lately, indeed! my aim name is... my name. and i mean my NAME...
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:14:27)
That¼s precisely my point, though.
We can¼t trust major news sources.
Take a look at
<a href=”http://www.guardian.co.uk”>The Guardian</a>, <a href=”http://www.indymedia.org”>Indy Media</a>, and other sources that aren¼t corporately controlled. There has been talk about possible vote hack-
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ing, a number of already reported irregularities, and numerous other concerns from this election so far. I¼m
¼shotintoeternity¼ on AIM if you¼d like to talk sometime.
zztknightt (2004-11-04 00:44:53)
well, that first site has this election over, anyway. even if there are some voting irregularities, they will not be
fixed or looked into much. bush won, and except for some minor messups, chances are he won it fair and square.
it hurts, it stings, it depresses, it angers. but it¼s time to move on, in my humble opinion. and i look forward
to dropping you a line.
dive (2004-11-03 22:12:32)
pardon me, then. i heard that figure on the local news [Channel2] and after reading your post, I have verified in a
couple places that you¼re correct, and my local news station once again proved they¼re idiots :) which reminds
me, your state gad the vote to split the eletoral votes, as I¼m sure you know. i¼m curious as to which way you
voted on that one, and why.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 22:25:48)
Don¼t worry about the statistic. It happens. However, the fact that the statistics you heard are different from
the ones I heard proves my point further. The media, especially the corporate-controlled American mainstream
media, has certain interests. Particularly in the cases of blatantly conservative news networks like Fox News. I
actually voted with a Boulder-based <a href=”http://www.bouldervoter.org/”>voting bloc</a> in this election
because I agreed with their election choices. The idea of a voting bloc is accountability for elected officials. For
instance, since Ken Salazar won the United States Senate race in Colorado, our voting bloc now represents the
voices of hundreds of voters across Boulder who voted for him. Now, Salazar has a responsibility to those who put
him in power, right? That¼s where the bloc comes in. It¼s sort of like amalgamation of workers in labor unions
in order to engage in collective bargaining. I voted yes on Amendment 36 with the voter bloc, which is the electoral
vote amendment to the state constitution. Essentially, the idea of the resolution (which unfortunately lost) is that
Colorado¼s 9 electoral votes would be split according to the popular vote. The problem is that on a state-wide
level, this actually devalues the votes of citizens in Colorado, because it¼s hypothesized that politicians won¼t be
as interested in campaigning or representing the interests of a divided vote. Basically, we need our Congressmen to
pass a Constitutional amendment on a federal level that abolishes the electoral college. Unfortunately, no one¼s
going to go for that, because it doesn¼t represent the interests of states who are benefiting from the electoral
college more than they would benefit from a popular vote. Basically, it¼s tied up in the realm of state and federal
politics, which is really frustrating, because the status quo doesn¼t work.
dive (2004-11-03 22:38:10)
I agree. I believe it would be bad for you folks to have the votes split, and since you¼re aware of the concern
of political apathy towards your state I¼m sure you¼re aware of the reasons. I definately agree that a purely
popular vote would be a better idea, but I also highly doubt that will happen any time soon (if ever). Though,
assuming Bush does win this year, it will be nice to see the electoral votes and the popular vote show the same
results.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 23:01:14)
While it may have been slightly detrimental for Colorado citizens to have their vote split, I also think it would
have been a step in the right direction on a national level. The thing is that there wouldn¼t be political apathy
if every person was entitled to one vote which actually decided the course of the election. If citizens knew their
votes were going to count no matter what people in Ohio did, I think more people would go out to the polls.
Unfortunately, America is not a democracy. It¼s a republic, and a republic doesn¼t care about what the citizens
want, but what the electors want.
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dive (2004-11-03 23:07:50)
I believe if all the states went to that system, it would be a positive thing. But for one to do it I believe the harm
to the vote value of that state wouldn¼t be worth it. I agree we¼re not a democracy. We¼re a constitutional
republic. With so many people, do you think a true democracy is the way to go?
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:23:29)
There shouldn¼t be an electoral college in the first place. It¼s an outmoded method of giving power to certain
people by taking power away from others. We need all the states to eventually flock to that system, but the
only way we can do that is via a federal Constitutional amendment, which requires 75 % of Congress to ratify
it. It¼s probably not going to happen soon, unless people understand the necessity of it after this election. I
believe that a system that is truer to the spirit of democracy is the way to go. At least let us democratically
elect our leaders. The delegates who decide our elections aren¼t even elected officials; they are chosen by
members of each political party. They¼re also not required to vote with the popular vote of their precincts. A
true democracy would involve people voting on every issue, which not enough Americans are prepared to do.
However, an actual democratic election of people who make decisions for us ought to take place.
groupie supreme (2004-11-03 22:15:30)
Nevermind the electoral process. Bush won the popular vote by 3.5 million, and is the first president in sixteen
years to win more than fifty percent of the popular vote. 170,000 provisional votes (which, by the by, Kerry would
need to win 90 percent of [see: impossible]) in Ohio isn¼t going to change that fact. The numbers speak
for themselves. As much as it pains me to admit it, a Kerry victory would show even more poorly on our nation¼s
politics.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 22:36:33)
I don¼t think we should just forget about reforming the electoral process, but that¼s just me. Although I do
agree with you that since the process is currently in place, we should abide by the rules. Bush hasn¼t won the
popular vote! The results of this election aren¼t even in yet, which is my entire point in this post. If Kerry does
somehow garner enough votes to win the electorally in Ohio, Nevada, or Iowa, it doesn¼t matter that he didn¼t
get the majority of the general populace¼s vote. It seems like a double standard, but it¼s not. The reason I
objected to the 2000 election was because the votes weren¼t counted correctly, not because Bush won according
to the electoral college. While I may disagree with the laws of our country (and think that the electoral college
is complete bullshit), during times of confusion, it¼s important that our leaders abide by them when establishing
official electoral policy. A victory for Kerry would show more poorly on our nation¼s politics if Bush
retains the popular vote. But maybe then, Republicans would get on the electoral process reform train (which has
a whole bunch of lonely cars right now). What about Nevada? Do you think Kerry should appeal those votes? I
just don¼t think it makes any sense for him to roll over and play dead. We should wait until all of the votes are
in.
groupie supreme (2004-11-03 22:47:12)
I admire your optimism, Kevin. But 3.5 million and a 3 % margin is clear enough. Nevada is comfortably red
at this point, and the other two contested states (New Mexico, Iowa) wouldn¼t bring Kerry anywhere near 270.
Kerry isn¼t playing dead, only realistically. Counting every single vote, while ethically necessary, actually isn¼t.
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:16:46)
What about the margins in Arizona and New Mexico? Both of these races are too close to call when you consider
provisional and absentee ballots. I think it may very well be that Kerry and Edwards might actually be abiding
by the second option, actually. I hope that¼s true.
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bassist (2004-11-04 02:21:18)
Note that 170,000 provisional votes is the number the Bush campaign cited. 250,000 is the number the Kerry
campaign cited. CNN cited both numbers saying it could range anywhere within while Fox News reported 170,000.
yesthatems (2004-11-03 21:59:51)
Hey. Eat some cheerios and take a nap. We¼ve survived four years of this. Statistically, we can survive four more.
Just be glad that you¼re white, male, and straightish. And non-Somalian. Whether Bush, Kerry, or TV¼s Don
Knotts is president, life is going to be hard for everyone on the planet. Sure, when I went out yesterday and cast
my vote for Don Knotts, I thought that the world might someday become a better place. Today, those hopes are
somewhat diminished. Kerry¼s concession was an act of grace and sensibility (albeit that these traits are dismally
overrated.) He lost. So did Don Knotts.
kevincarter (2004-11-03 22:51:09)
I have Toasty-O¼s and even Marshmallow Maties, but alas, no Cheerios. We have survived four years of this, but
guess who hasn¼t? Hundreds of thousands in Sudan, Afghanistan, and Iraq. You can¼t be so blind to think that
our actions in this election will have nothing to do with what happens to other people in the world over the course
of the next four years. And these are things that directly affect you and me and millions of others. I know you¼re
joking about survival, but survival really is an issue for other people. I¼m not content with the current global
political situation, even though I may benefit from it. I¼m concerned with trying to act in a just manner towards
other countries and fostering a spirit of political harmony throughout the world. I¼m tired of our country killing
people and being apathetic about it. These are really serious things to talk about, but thanks for not being serious
all the time. I don¼t think I could handle that. I agree with you when you say that Kerry¼s concession was an act
of grace and sensibility, if by ”grace and sensibility” you mean ”dumbassédness.” P.S. Your Don Knotts story is a lie,
because you¼re 17.
yesthatems (2004-11-03 23:29:46)
Definitely consider indulging in those Marshmallow Mateys, mate, definitely. They warm you heart and soul, doncha know. Usually I do define grace and sensibility as dumbassedness, accent over the e redundant, but
honestly, Kerry¼s decision is somewhat logical. Only Nader is capable of acting with such reckless optimism as to
push on when he is clearly vanquished. And Kerry is, sorry, clearly vanquished. And when you say, ”these are really
serious things to talk about” and post in your journal more than once in a day, it¼s usually right before all your
clothes rip off and you turn green, shouting, ”Kevin smash!” Be wary.
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:28:13)
Kerry is only clearly vanquished according to the mainstream media. They don¼t like to tell you that they don¼t
make the final decision on this stuff because they like to think they do. I can see political motives for Kerry¼s
decision, but otherwise, it doesn¼t seem logical at all. Don¼t worry. There will be no Hulkesque activities, unless
I¼m ridding the world of the dastardly evil of neo-conservatism.
yesthatems (2004-11-04 03:12:35)
Calm down. Kerry conceded because he knows he cannot possibly win. The mainstream media is saying that he
lost because he cannot possibly win. Did you think he would? I didn¼t. Clark, maybe, because Clark has an
identity. Kerry is a non-Bush, a non-identity. If he had been elected, would Sudan be free of genocide? South
Africa free of poverty? Very doubtful. Yes, Bush is a very very bad puppet, like Howdy Satan Doody. But I
doubt his administration can do anything worse than maintain the dismal status quo. And don¼t patronize me
concerning the mainstream media. I¼m part of the damn mainstream media. Kerry didn¼t win. You
can support conspiracy theories and try to suspend your disbelief for as long as you like. It¼s a terribly fun
occupation, particularly on Thursdays for some reason. Just don¼t end up in a mental institution. You told me
to boot you in the bum if you get fanatical, and I¼m doing it.
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groupie supreme (2004-11-04 03:38:20)
Eh, boot him in the bum anyway. Listen to the girl, Kev. She¼s right.
obsidianfawn (2004-11-03 23:05:46)
I would comment against you Kevin, but there would be no point. If I gave you facts, you would say that I made
them up or was interpreting them wrong. If I gave you oppinion, you would say I was evil or blind. And, at no
time, do I believe that you would fairly listen to anything a consertavtive would say. ”Shallow ad hominem
attacks” indeed. Have you read some of the things you¼ve said today about the opposing side? And yet somehow
it¼s different when you say these things about conservatives than when conservatives say things about liberals.
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:32:23)
If you gave me facts, I would evaluate them upon their merit. If you gave me your opinion, I wouldn¼t say you were
evil or blind, but I would evaluate it based on how well you supported it. You¼re also wrong about me never fairly
listening ”to anything a conservative would say.” Some of the best political discourse I have is with conservatives,
actually, so you¼re completely wrong about that. I¼m constantly discussing politics with Republicans, libertarians,
socialists, and people all over the board politically. I have said things against the opposing side, because the opposing
side is doing dangerous things that are robbing Americans of their voice in this election. I am also criticizing my
”side” in questioning why Kerry and Edwards are conceding this election before the votes have been counted. I don¼t
feel that there is a double standard at all. Right now, it¼s important to promote discussion and debate to determine
what are the correct actions to take in the future. Until you¼re willing to do that, I really don¼t have anything to
refute.
obsidianfawn (2004-11-04 15:03:40)
I didn¼t say you were unwilling to discuss. I¼ll never accuse you of that. I said you don¼t listen fairly. At least,
you never have when we have had political discussions. So you might ”evaluate” the things I had to say, but you
would always arrive at the same conclusion. Based on all the things you said in these posts and the responses you
gave to comments, it seems clear to me that your just being emotional about this and that most of your views are
based on what you want to be true not necesarily what is actually true. And personally, because of what Kerry did,
I would actually be willing to shake his hand now. He has shown a much higher character than I thought possible
in him. And, if you so readily voted for him because you thought he was the right man for the job, why aren¼t
you listening to what he has said now, and moving on? Or was your motivation like most extremist liberals and you
just hate Bush so much that it didn¼t matter who beat him?
lostheaven (2004-11-03 23:49:08)
Uh, Kevin!@!11 I would argue with you but your intellectual superiority frightens me. I¼m not going to argue
with you, I¼m only going to scold you. WHY THE FUCK DIDN¼T EVERYONE VOTE NADER? Seriously, fuck
democrats and fuck conservatives. INDEPENDENT ALL THE WAY!
kevincarter (2004-11-04 00:36:08)
Jared, every day that I walk through the engineering library to copy articles and tote around books, I get a better
understanding of how brilliant math and science-oriented people are, and my intellectual inferiority is reinforced. I
didn¼t vote Nader because I was both voting with a voter bloc for Kerry and voting in a swing state. I¼m definitely
an opponent of bipartisanism, but it was so important to win this election that voting for Nader would have been
inconsequential. He wasn¼t even close to 5 % of the federal vote, which would have granted him governmental
funding for his next campaign, which was all he was really going for in the first place, so it doesn¼t matter too
much.
309
lostheaven (2004-11-04 01:09:12)
True, and I think that because of this election there will be even less votes for Nader next election. Citing the fact
that with all of those Nader votes, Kerry could have came even closer.
2punkrock4this (2004-11-04 20:31:16)
You would have to be fucking dumb to vote Nader. It¼s a complete waste. Everyone knows that he would never
win so what¼s the point? The dumb fucks who voted for Nader should have voted for Kerry.
lostheaven (2004-11-05 02:08:40)
Look at the fucking numbers, even if every Nader vote went towards Kerry he still wouldn¼t have won. It isn¼t
a complete waste because if Nader gets a certain amount of votes then he is allowed government funding like Bush
and Kerry. The people who vote for Nader are the people who are sick of a two party system.
losing trust (2004-11-05 06:14:01)
agreed. And people SHOULD be sick of a two party system. For Christ¼s sake, Bush and Kerry are third cousins;
they went to the same college; they were in the same frat. Does it really matter which douche bag we choose?
People need to fight for a true democracy if that¼s what we insist on calling ourselves. This country is a media
controlled republic at best. Anyone that thinks votes for anyone that aren¼t exactly what they allow us to believe
our only choices are, are a waste, are themselves, a waste of breath.
jessocat (2004-11-04 07:25:55)
i miss you! boo.
chatjam (2004-11-04 13:11:22)
it¼s a great post and a great opportunity for me to have an ”insight”. i¼ve learned precious things about the things
going on right there, thank you. as a turk, i¼m really upset about the results. things going like that and middle-east
will still be on fire. maybe in istanbul i may be safe but still no one can guarantee this. i¼m really disappointed
about that election.
ecredes (2004-11-04 19:12:54)
Frankly, Kerry sounds like its some sort of mutant form of mistletoe...and that just has no way to beat a bush.
lostheaven (2004-11-04 20:32:43)
Excellent logic Adam!
2punkrock4this (2004-11-04 20:36:28)
I think I love you. You¼re one of the only Kerry people I know that is still being optimistic after all we¼ve been
through. He said himself that we need to stay strong and keep fighting, and no one seems to be doing that. And to
anyone, if you were one of those people in Nevada or Iowa, wouldn¼t you be a little angry that your vote didn¼t
matter whatsoever, and that it wasn¼t even counted? If you get any shit from any Republican (which has been
happening to me A LOT lately) just let them know that they may be happy now, but when Bush fucks up our country
even more, they¼ll be suffering too. We all live in America, we¼re all fucked.
cressidas love (2004-11-04 22:09:46)
There is no way you can compare this election to the 2000 election. Florida came down to something around 500
votes. Bush is winning in Ohio by something like 140,000 votes. All of the mainstream media was saying Kerry was
going to win. Even after more than 90 % of the precincts in Florida had reported and Bush was ahead by 5 %, they
were still saying Kerry could come back and take the state. I think if there were any chance Kerry could win, they
would be pouncing on it. I seriously doubt they were excited about calling the election for Bush. I think it¼s nearly
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statistically impossible for Kerry to win in Ohio. It really would take a huge miracle at this point for Kerry to win.
losing trust (2004-11-05 06:09:49)
you,kevin, are a genius. That is all. You are right, ( if nothing else ) to adamately back your beliefs that the media
is lying. The media is the fourth branch of government, and considering that, they have every reason to ”bend” the
truth in order to incite popular opinion, or any other sort of emotion they want from people. Don¼t give up your
stance even if things are going to hell in a handbasket.
heathyrre (2004-11-05 06:54:33)
ˆˆˆThat¼s my best friend Nichole. We¼ve been friends since I was 4. Isn¼t she great? I need to talk to you! Call
me tomorrow!
brinagirl (2004-11-11 17:07:52)
how come nobody¼s talking about this anymore? we americans have such regrettably short attention spans. as a
journalist, i demand to know why journalists who actually get to cover national news haven¼t said a damn word
about this election since nov. 3. so ... is it over now? if not, how will we know when it is?
heathyrre (2004-11-16 08:26:24)
sticks out tongue*
districtasleep (2004-11-24 11:41:17)
i don¼t do politics, but do you go around friend-ing random people, & it¼s nice to meet you anyway. holds hand
out, shakes, have a nice day mister. :)
2.8.3
(2004-11-04 00:42)
archy and mehitabel
2.8.4
(2004-11-29 10:49)
dorothy parker in love is love
brought to you by the [1]isLove Generator
1. http://www.dutchfurs.com/~haze/islove/
2.9
2.9.1
December
(2004-12-14 23:19)
[1]When that Southern Anthem sings, you will lay your burdens down.
1.
http://www.subpop.com/scripts/main/download.php?url=/downloads/free/Southern_Anthem194.mp3&mid=
194&PHPSESSID=39edd87a9cb601ea95669064581a498f
311
clarinka (2004-12-15 06:48:14)
I love this song so much... have you heard the rest of the album?
kevincarter (2005-01-05 09:56:17)
Yeah, it¼s amazing! (Sorry, I¼ve been LJ-unfriendly lately.) You are awesome. & I know you through Noah, but
you knew that already, right? Saw you on Facebook too. Ah, the next pseudo-hip social phenomenon!
clarinka (2005-01-05 15:14:17)
I did know it was through noah, but it took me a little while to find out. And thanks, that¼s an enormous,
unexpected, and well-timed compliment!
wake up donnie (2004-12-15 16:43:01)
On a different note: Can you play Greensleeves? I wrote a song that follows the same pattern but with different lyrics.
burningtyger (2004-12-15 21:12:39)
I can play greensleeves! I can! I can! OHHH pick me!!!! PICK ME!!!!
kevincarter (2005-01-05 09:56:36)
:)
kevincarter (2005-01-05 09:56:28)
Yes! I WANT TO HEAR IT.
onewaystreet (2004-12-17 02:35:23)
i wish you updated more often. <3
kevincarter (2005-01-05 09:57:04)
I wish you would have had coffee with me. :)
onewaystreet (2005-01-05 22:38:02)
i wish i had gone to boulder as planned just so i could have. perhaps if we talked on AIM our friendship would
grow? odizzyupthisgirl if youd like. i think youre brillant.
heathyrre (2004-12-17 20:27:47)
YesHelloILoveYouCallMyHouse.
kevincarter (2005-01-05 09:57:32)
I did! You¼re never there. (On the phone, long long distance)
initiates anima (2004-12-27 02:21:17)
Dear Kevin... HAVE AN EXCELLENT HOLIDAY! I¼m in Texas–home is good. I¼m reading your Lolita book and
I¼m loving it...we¼ll discuss it later, over a cup of coffee, freezing again back in Colorado... -Bailey
kevincarter (2005-01-05 09:59:28)
Just the thought of you reading Lolita makes my heart smile. You Bailed on me (haha) at Paris! I tried calling your
house, but I received your Dad¼s answering machine, which I think you ought to re-record into a thousand lovely
roses I¼m being really silly & imagistically high right now, so I¼m gonna go. -K
cressidas love (2004-12-30 04:27:13)
I noticed your comment and thought you might be confusing me with someone you know personally. If not and you
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actually want to talk to me, I¼m not sure you should waste your time. You seem infinitely more intelligent than I
am.
kevincarter (2005-01-05 10:00:20)
You¼re wrong about all the shit you talk about yourself. (shotintoeternity on AIM)
cressidas love (2005-01-05 23:26:21)
Well, I¼m not so sure about that. My AIM screenname is littlechica454..feel free to IM me anytime you see me on.
lightinjuly (2005-01-05 12:30:54)
in another note I totally forgot what sn you imed me from a minute ago.
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314
Chapter 3
2005
3.1
3.1.1
January
(2005-01-06 11:29)
NEWS FROM KEVINLAND:
-Recording tons of [1]music.
-My parents are DOUCHEBAGS.
-I’m back in Boulder @ my dorm.
-Can someone please smoke me out? (Marijuana? No, I wouldn’t talk openly about marijuana!)
-I’m writing a lot.
I miss you people.
ter.
Sorry I’ve been one of those scary real life persons lately.
I’ll try to do bet-
EVERYONE IN THE WORLD SHOULD CALL ME. (720) 261-2977 OR (303) 786-4240
I was caching a bowl like a month ago while ”Cocoon” by The Decemberists was playing, & the
song said ”Only the ashes remain.” I got chills.
Sorry, I’m trying to think of somewhat interesting things to say here that I haven’t already (over)exposed MySpace people to.
Also does anybody want to make out? It’s just kissing, right? (Sorry I’m lonely & cold. I may or
may not mean that, depending on the offers I get.)
Yes this is attention whoring.
”The Catholic Church is the only thing which saves a man from the degrading slavery of being a
child of his own age.” –Chesterton Respond.
Not quite sure how I’m going to pay my tuition this semester, since the failsafe plan I had set up
sort of failed, since my father is the custodian on my mutual fund until I am 21. Sigh.
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Is my life a soap opera?
1. http://www.myspace.com/thecomforteagles
obsidianfawn (2005-01-06 18:51:34)
no your life is not a soap opera. your life is normal like 95 % of the american population¼s. get over it. lol.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:32:30)
What is normalcy? What is life? Who am I?
burningtyger (2005-01-06 18:53:42)
Hi Kevin, Remember me? :) I would call you but your phones don¼t seem to work.. And you don¼t check your
messages, but if this post means thats all going to change, then I will surely call you. I miss you and I haven¼t seen
you with your beard yet, because i found out you had one now. yes, your life is a soap opera. Lay off the....smoking
for a lil bit, that shit messes with your head :) Oh yeah, The Decemberists rock my socks.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:34:24)
Wait, you¼re that Alex girl right? Remember when we were going to hang out? Yeah that happened. Both of my
phones are working. I¼m not sure what you¼re talking about. I check my messages every once in a while, but the
machine was off over break in my dorm room because I had to leave. I agree; my life is a soap opera. Smoking messes
with your head in the same way that contacts hurt people¼s vision. The Decemberists are fucking awesome
wake up donnie (2005-01-06 19:31:54)
I¼m back at my dorm too. We still need to write those songs so give me a call if you are at your dorm right now and
I¼ll head over. I need a good walk.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:35:15)
Songs are easy to write; rock songs are like three chords. Come over tomorrow & check out my recording studio!
mokeyonwheels (2005-01-06 20:35:59)
Mmmm, make out. Ready, set, GO!
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:35:43)
MMMMAsdffjioweflarpmmm (Sorry, I got kind of tongue-tied.)
mokeyonwheels (2005-01-08 20:29:44)
That¼s okay. That¼s how I like ¼em. Hey, kid. Why is it that we haven¼t talked in forever? Let¼s
make that happen again
cressidas love (2005-01-06 20:57:54)
It¼s amazing how often failsafe plans fail. Making out is fun..I¼m sorry you have no make-out partner. Sorry, this
comment is just rambling...I¼m bored, tired, and putting off doing schoolwork. Well..have a nice day.
cressidas love (2005-01-06 21:37:56)
Also, I visited your myspace account and perused your lists of favorites. You have excellent taste in authors.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:36:16)
Thank you!
316
charcoalmonroe (2005-01-06 21:29:25)
I called you once. You didn¼t answer and then I never remembered to call you again. Oh, this is claire, by the way.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:36:47)
You called me like last year when we had to work on our final for Rajgopal. That was it, haha
charcoalmonroe (2005-01-08 15:33:45)
nah ah, I called you once last semester, after you gave me your number at my halloween party, but you didn¼t
answer!
clarinka (2005-01-06 22:21:10)
long-distance makeout?
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:38:36)
Totally!
loveis2sweet (2005-01-06 22:51:32)
kevin. it¼s jen. I have not tried calling. but i might later. maybe.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:37:13)
Hey! Sounds good. :)
onewaystreet (2005-01-06 23:51:36)
<3
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:38:59)
2<3
misskrist (2005-01-07 00:21:53)
Sorry about the parent thing. They often are douchebags. This may be null as a result of my distant perception of
your life, but you always seem to pull through, Kevin.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:39:57)
Parents are often douchebags. I know you¼ve had problems with your dad too, which really sucks. I guess
our first instinct is continued existence, which is the only way I really know how to live. (Ahaha)
abstractpianos (2005-01-07 01:20:26)
something is missing from this comments page
lostheaven (2005-01-07 02:56:15) Hypno-Saget?
<img src=”http://img10.exs.cx/img10/4125/sageteffectsmall1ug.gif” width=”241” height=”402” alt=”Image Hosted
by ImageShack.us” />
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:40:53) Re: Hypno-Saget?
Funniest thing ever! The only thing that could top it would be Hypno-Uncle-Joey.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:40:24)
Also missing: A copy of the arvada dennys¼ community manifesto.
317
airik (2005-01-09 23:07:30) also missing.....Erik's comment...
synopsis, since the last one must have been boring. 1. Get a job (CU Workstudy doesnt count) 2. Your parents
arent the problem, they just hope that by cutting you off, their son will respect their wishes. 3. ”Mind-Enhancers”
too expensive for your lifestyle???? dont do them as much. 4. something else, why did you delete it in the first
place. also missing ”You are just a shell of who you used to be.” –Laureniod
kevincarter (2005-01-10 04:15:34) Re: also missing.....Erik's comment...
There was a reason I deleted it the first time. Because it sucked.
1. What??? Work-study for the past year & a half doesn¼t count? Whatever, Mr. 5 McJobs Man. Fuck that 2.
My parents really are the problem. Or do you actually think that in the two times you¼ve seen me in the last
six months, you have gained significant insight into my relationship with my parents? 3. Fuck off. 4. Because it
was lame. Also missing was Lauren¼s comment, which did not say that, but did say something equally lame. My
journal, my rules, hahaha
laurenoid (2005-01-11 01:53:55) Re: also missing.....Erik's comment...
Kevin, If you¼d like to talk to me in person, let me know. Otherwise, fuck you, because your friends care about
you completely sucking the life out of yourself (which, granted, is your own retarded right), and you¼re being an
asshole. You¼re so much cooler than this. I don¼t think you¼ve lost anything, you¼re just hung up on trying
to convince everyone that you¼re different and that you¼re artsy and interesting. You WERE.
Lauren, I would like to talk to you & have been wanting to talk to you for a long time. Notice that the ¼fuck
you¼ was not directed towards you. However, I would like to ask you a question. How much have you been
around me in the last year? Does that amount of time give you enough exposure to me to judge whether or not
I am ”sucking the life out of [my]self”? Granted, I was being an asshole to Erik. I¼m not hung up on trying to
convince everyone that I¼m different or artsy or interesting; I¼m trying to convince them that at a basic level,
I AM NORMAL. But I have weird interests. P.S. Is this attack Kevin day or something?
yesthatems (2005-01-11 04:18:32) Re: also missing.....Erik's comment...
Yep! I have it marked on my calendar right here. January 11 - ”Attack Kevin Day”. Also, ”International UFO
Sighting Commemoration Day”. *shrugs* What a crazy government this is.
zztknightt (2005-01-07 02:19:01)
loans are evil. that¼s why i¼m gonna go to a school well below my standards. scholarship money, baybay!
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:41:17)
Loans aren¼t evil; they¼re amoral! You¼re going to get into a great school man.
groupie supreme (2005-01-07 02:29:17)
I was caching a bowl like a month ago while ”Cocoon” by The Decemberists was playing, & the song said ”Only
the ashes remain.” I got chills. Laaame :]
readytostand (2005-01-07 05:46:44)
seconded
panoptican (2005-01-07 08:12:10)
And I¼ll third it.
318
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:42:29)
I detect a hint of antagonism in this comment. :) Where have your pictures been??
readytostand (2005-01-08 23:34:58)
ive been in transit collecting them on my picture card, as soon as i have internet in my apartment and i get back
to boulder they¼ll be around
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:41:55)
Haha, everyday occurrences happen like this on a regular basis. I guess I was trying to give a normal example rather
than an extraordinary one.
groupie supreme (2005-01-08 17:57:12)
Even more so, then.
panoptican (2005-01-07 08:15:52)
I have a cigarette and my roommate has a hooka pipe. That¼s about all the smoking out that I can provide though.
Everyone in the world minus everyone in the world but you should call me.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:43:22)
I started smoking cigarettes because of Ben Gibbard¼s songs about them. (Yeah I¼m lame like that.) I will call
you tomorrow!
purpledotpower (2005-01-07 11:55:28)
Weird, I didn¼t know you went to school in Boulder. One of my very good friend goes to school there, and is actually
heading back day after tomorrow and it¼s very sad. If I lived near you I¼d most definetly smoke you out. Soap
operas are entertaining.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:43:58)
Now that I have acquired some very high quality pot, I¼ll match you an eBowl!
yesthatems (2005-01-08 06:21:06)
Dont smoke pot cuz its bad!!1! We talk all the time. I¼d leave a sappy message in your journal if there was one
floating in my head, but there isn¼t so I won¼t. Sit. Stay. Good boy.
kevincarter (2005-01-08 08:44:34)
Drugs are bad, mmkay? I don¼t respond well to dog commands. Unless they¼re given by some people. (oooh,
vague)
yesthatems (2005-01-08 16:39:46)
Yes, vague. You¼re like this close to incurring my wrath.
initiates anima (2005-01-11 19:43:34)
Haha, Kevin, you pissed people off!! We can never catch each other on the phone at the right time, nerd.
goldenburning (2005-01-11 19:51:24)
Mmm, attention whoring.
319
lightinjuly (2005-01-14 21:30:00)
Still too sick to do anything later today but I¼ll call you when I¼m healthy and have things written
Hey, this has nothing to do with anything in the post, but i am putting out a poetry zine–if you¼re interested i¼ll
mail one! -lauren
3.1.2
(2005-01-18 15:56)
I would just like to let the world know that [1]Alisha Levin plays DDR.
The recap of my weekend will take years to write.
Beauty is truth & truth is beauty. I am trying to learn to trust. I am reading about Anna. Esperanto
would be pretty fucking cool to learn. & I have been thinking about the Modest Mouse song ”Dramamine.”
FORT COLLINS IS THE NEW BOHEMIA. At least when certain people are there.
You people astonish me on a daily basis. (In the best possible way that can be intended.)
P.S. I am going to write a longer post later, but I decided that I take myself way too fucking seriously
sometimes. So it might not be up tonight; more likely tomorrow.
-K
1. http://groupie_supreme.livejournal.com/
abstractpianos (2005-01-18 23:01:24)
FIRST POST we need to hang out soon, Kevin
mokeyonwheels (2005-01-18 23:18:05)
Your icon is mesmerizing.
abstractpianos (2005-01-20 10:35:51)
Thanks. Your keys are cool.
mokeyonwheels (2005-01-20 14:37:18)
It¼s the album cover for, ”The Ugly Organ” by Cursive
burningtyger (2005-01-18 23:09:11)
Fort Collins? New Bohemia?!?! What are you talking about! See Kevin this is why being away from you too long
makes me feel stupid and I have no idea what is going on. You are cordially invited to my birthday party on the fifth
of February. Be there or be square :)
tragicomic (2005-01-18 23:30:09)
Esperanto is easy to learn. I taught myself it over the summer, but alas, I have no one here to talk to in Esperanto.
I don¼t think Zamenhof anticipated lazy Americans.
320
wake up donnie (2005-01-19 02:31:26) Thirteen Tales from...
Fort Collins, eh? You¼ll have to explain that one to me when I come over. If I¼m not busy, I¼ll be stopping over
soon. I¼ll surprise you. And I¼ll bring songs.
yesthatems (2005-01-19 17:14:28)
Delete this. I dare you. –|– Isn¼t this a great emoticon? I made it up myself.
yesthatems (2005-01-19 17:16:11)
Joke. Anything to inspire camaraderie.
flicker (2005-01-20 00:55:46)
I¼ve also been trying to hack out the words for all you alls being over there–I don¼t have them yet, but rest assured
it was amazing.
loveis2sweet (2005-01-21 16:50:52)
I¼m trying to learn to trust again also... hey, I¼ll trust you if you trust me... and that should be pretty simple since
well we live miles and miles appart and don¼t really need to trust each other for much... but it¼s good the trust is
there.
3.1.3
(2005-01-18 16:11)
<img src=”http://www.mcs.csuhayward.edu/ malek/chagal1.jpg”>
groupie supreme (2005-01-18 23:49:56)
Oh god oh god oh God I love Chagall.
groupie supreme (2005-10-09 15:58:16)
Fuck. I remember when you posted this Chagall, but I didn¼t remember it was this Chagall. Yes, I am
still going through all of your old entries.
grey skye (2005-01-19 04:29:11)
I love Chagall too, and I LOVE this painting! I think it¼s one of the most romantic paintings in the history of the
world, up there with Klimt¼s The Kiss.
ideaofthememory (2005-01-19 12:43:23)
Thank you. That is one of my absolute favorite paintings. I would agree with you on the post about some of the folks
from Ft.Collins creating the new Bohemia. My isn¼t it interesting to watch?
(2005-01-20 02:01:55)
Dear Kevin, I feel compelled to think up a nickname for you. Until it comes to me, just know that I am thinking of
it. And you know, even after you stole that art book on that guy and we looked at it in the coffee shop, I had no idea
that you like Chagall.
321
3.1.4
(2005-01-18 16:19)
<img src=”http://www.ibiblio.org/louvre/paint/auth/kandinsky/kandinsky.co mp-8.jpg”>
I realized that it was all real when I wanted to whitewash it from world history. I wanted children to
learn that he was this saint. But Anna & Kandinsky make me realize I cannot & never should. That is how
we track the genuineness of history: there are negatives in there, even about the winners. We document our
history every day. That is what good historians do.
I have so much to say that I need to write a book to get it all out. That way people can get it if they
want but don’t have to read it otherwise. And the first ebook will be free, because the first one’s always free–
that’s how they get you. Sometimes the first one’s free and you like it and you keep going and it’s good.
I like being abstract and obfuscated. It’s like Perl. But I would rather be like ZZT-OOP– simple and
straightforward.
Name of the book: ZZT Zen
clarablue (2005-01-18 23:54:08)
no, im obfuscated.
cressidas love (2005-01-19 22:13:26)
You should write a book. Your writing is very interesting (in the good way).
wake up donnie (2005-01-20 02:06:30)
Yeah, come on. If I can do it, anyone can (and should) do it.
cressidas love (2005-01-20 02:10:11)
not everyone should...for example, at least half of all famous authors.
(2005-01-20 02:07:05)
Dear Kevin, I am afraid that your fan club may come and track me down for syaing this, but I don¼t think you
should write a book. I think you would be bored by it. If you are going to write, the only reason to do it is for yourself.
Do not fall into the trap of pleasing people just to please them - they will forget it and all of your effort will have been
in vain. Kandinsky? He is all right. This one, I like, because it is like an explosion - maybe if you and I were to play
pick-up-stix, and suddenly they were taken by a passion for light and sound and SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION!
- this would be the painting to show it.
allie caulfield (2005-01-20 05:33:07)
Hey. I noticed that you friended me, and I don¼t know if that was some sort of fluke or you actually friended me,
either way, I added you back.
wynand (2005-01-21 15:23:41)
I support the idea of this ”ZZT Zen”
crayon rosary (2005-01-22 04:26:44)
wow...i couldn¼t believe you posted! or that you commented on mine! yeah, my b/f saw it and got a little jealous...haha...it was cute though! you missed all the pictures that were on there before!
322
3.1.5
(2005-01-24 05:08)
Oh my God.
I am rediscovering my sincerity.
I had degenerated into this grotesque self-parodical mode. She reminded me how to escape. This beautiful work of art that she has created with what she had to give.
It’s competitive, but it is not for glorification of the ego. I have to continue to understand that. This
is purging, purging out the urges of past lunacies.
OH MY GOD.
EUREKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! ! !! !! ! ! ! ! ! !
3.1.6
(2005-01-24 05:10)
If you want to find out, caaaaaaaaallllllllllllll meeeeeeeeeeeee.
(720) 261-2977
3.1.7
(2005-01-24 05:18)
P.S. Sorry for being an egotistical Lane Coutell.
3.1.8
(2005-01-24 05:48)
Okay, can anyone give me affordable web hosting? Or even free? I need bandwidth to make music. I can
be tidy; I will only store in 128kbps mp3, so I will be talking about a megabyte a minute, but I really need
space.
Like a trap.cx account, right?
Word.
Anyway, if someone could hook me up, I really need it!!! Actually I should just clean up my hard drive
a little, but I don’t want to delete that much music.
Jesus, I have to remember to be nice.
:)
shinryuusith (2005-01-24 14:32:11)
I¼m pretty sure trap.cx is long gone.
323
kevincarter (2005-01-24 14:40:48)
omg pwned
drocko (2005-01-24 18:13:18)
I¼ve got some space and bandwidth. how much disk space do you need? as long as its under like 500 megs it should
be cool. my domain is n22t.com so you can get a subdomain and email if you need.
cressidas love (2005-01-24 18:22:00)
Why do you have to remember to be nice?
thedexter (2005-01-24 21:33:46)
It¼s nice to be important but it¼s important to be nice.
mokeyonwheels (2005-01-24 19:48:11)
I¼m not sure what you¼re looking for. http://www.angst-bunny.com/hosting.htm She goes to my school.
She¼s a little weird. But she hosts?
3.1.9
(2005-01-25 07:53)
My attempt to stir up controversy as to my discovery of yesterday was seemingly foiled, although I did get
a few phone calls. My discovery has to do with sincerity in pursuit of life’s goals and virtues. How noble
and boring!! But anyway, it has less to do with upholding mindless egotism as a life policy and more to do
with some sort of vague utilitarian approach to life in which I am conducting a lifetime survey of virtues.
I had entered this self-parodical mode full of loathing and self-doubt and shit. A little ego death, so to
speak, helped cure that. I realized that my disillusionment was caused by culture jamming campaigns that
made me question the basis of reality as it was given to me. How could people who exalted Mary Kate and
Ashley Olsen possibly have a grip on actuality? My Ft. Collins trip is partly responsible for my recent
growth, since it pretty much restored my faith in the intellect and idealistic pursuit of values. That sounds
melodramatic, but it’s fucking true. Here’s why: I realized that there were other people out there passionate
about the same kind of things I am, which gave me hope for not becoming some kind of alienated and
antisocial Zooey due to intellectual pursuits. (We really need to get together soon, haha)
Yesterday at lunch I got into an argument about the first British PM, during which I invoked the
Magna Carta clause. I said, ”The Magna Carta was instituted in 1215, right?” and faced a wall of silence
from my peers. The Magna Carta Clause reads: ”Anyone that has time to read the Magna Carta is a loser.”
Speaking of peers, I get to read Peer Gynt for my Theatre History class!! Ibsen is a badass, even
though he oftentimes tried to change what was a positive critical approach to his plays. (Not saying I
wouldn’t do the same thing, but I would probably be more willing to accept subversive readings of my work
than conventional ones.)
Last night, while tripping out pretty hardcore, I took a few pages out of Da Vinci’s notebook and
started sketching human anatomy. I am amazed at the complexity of his knowledge of muscles and veins,
and I realized that to be a true scholar, one must be both a generalist and a specialist. Or a Renaissance
man, so to speak. *ba dum chhhhhhh!*
A few days ago, I spent 8 hours at the Boulder Public Library teaching myself how to speed read
and reading Howard Brenton’s excellent translation of Faust. Kaufmann’s translation is remarkable as well
in its depth and trueness to the original language of the author, but Brenton’s translation looks beautiful on
324
the page, rhymes, and is even somewhat colloquial. Highly recommended for Goethe fans. (As opposed to
Minnesota Viking fans.) I got a Transcendentalism reader, Nietzsche’s Ecce Homo, Boccaccio’s Decameron,
Foucault’s History of Sexuality trilogy, a couple of other books, and music by Prokofiev, Chopin, Liszt,
Handel, and Haydn. And anyone can get this stuff free! It’s amazing!!!
After thinking more about my first paragraph, I realize that I was not lacking sincerity so much as
effort. I was sort of trying to half-ass it to see how well I could do with just my base intellect (oh, the
glorious double meanings) and a drastic shortage of elbow grease. But by doing some reading about the
way my life used to be in some ways, I have decided to resume pursuit of starry-eyed romantic ideals, to
some extent. For me, this has endless philosophical repercussions.
I also have a new method for transcribing writing that only super sexy secret spies are privy to. If
you are a super sexy secret spy, please call me before the Gestapo busts our lovely Greenwich Village
coffee plans. Know that I am currently reading the First Virginia Charter, and it is not for my personal
amusement or bemusement. It’s for my personal c-musement!!! Just kidding. But I’m not kidding about
the calling part.
I would
the
of
kitschy code breaking book!
. Be a good cryptographer!! Like Alvin in that
I did a Potterian-Christological interpretation of the novel called life yesterday. CU is Hogwart’s;
you just have to think of the Norton Anthology as a wizardly or alchemical sense of sorts, that allows you
the superpower of using complex rhetoric to rise to power for just and utopian purposes!! Even if it isn’t,
it’s more entertaining thinking of it that way. Poetry is going to rock. Theatre History is going to rock.
We’re studying people I have never heard of before, which makes me much less cynical about the collegiate
system! Philosophy is going to rock, because it’s philosophy!!!! Spanish is going to rock after I figure out
what class I need to be in.
I did something last night that left a nasty taste on my mouth this morning. I can still remember
the smells and tastes, sour and grotesque. I’m justifying it on the basis that it was necessary to the
development of the trash aesthetic and my personal symbological system. (Okay that last part was bullshit.)
This is total stream-of-consciousness, and I’m going to stop being so self-critical and full of bullshit
and just press post.
When we break, we’ll wait for our miracle. God is a place where some holy spectacle lies.
When we break, we’ll wait for our miracle. God is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.
onewaystreet (2005-01-25 15:37:37)
kevin, youre brillant. i espiecally like that youre willing to accept your faults and are eager to grow from them; thats
something you dont see too often. iheartyou.
obsidianfawn (2005-01-25 15:48:21)
Silly Kevin, I¼m not sure you¼ll ever stop being full of bull shit. That seems to be the basis of your personality,
lol. Actually, there were a lot of things I thought of to say to you about this post, but, oddly, I don¼t feel inspired
to argue or have in depth conversation with you right now. Or maybe I just don¼t want to do it in the comments of
a live journal post. *shrug* Also, Neutral Milk Hotel owns you.
325
lightinjuly (2005-01-25 15:56:35)
I¼m a super sexy secret spy. Oh yes. I want to be privy to exciting secrets.
mokeyonwheels (2005-01-25 20:13:01) Aeroplane Over the Sea
Ah shit. She took my reply! Kevin, be proud, I actually read all of that, instead of skimming, or as I usually
do with long entries, skip them all together. Your intellect astounds me. And because I am dying to know: what did
you do last night that left a nasty taste on your mouth this morning? A little ego death eh?
mokeyonwheels (2005-01-25 20:13:46) Re: Aeroplane Over the Sea
And also: I have read the Magna Carta.
lightinjuly (2005-01-25 22:57:55) Re: Aeroplane Over the Sea
Perhaps we can still both be privy to exciting secrets
lunar endeavor (2005-01-25 16:13:44)
Ah,
but
which
<a
survey.htm”>Norton Anthology</a>?
href=”http://www.wwnorton.com/college/English/english
anthologies
yesthatems (2005-01-25 16:18:14)
You confuse me, and yet I like you anyway.
jessocat (2005-01-25 17:54:45)
KEVINCARTER i¼ll show you a spy. yea, i¼ll bust your fuckin knee caps.
cressidas love (2005-01-25 19:36:35)
hooray for Nietzsche and Chopin. p.s. Reading the Magna Carta does not make you a loser. It makes you admirable.
p.s.s. Spanish is not going to rock.
jokaswild (2005-01-25 23:27:57) Question
I¼m not sure what kind of offers you have on the table at the moment, but if nothing else pops up...Kevin, will you
marry me?
groupie supreme (2005-01-26 02:49:38)
You¼re welcome to try to win his hand in marriage, but you¼re going to have some serious competition :]
yesthatems (2005-01-26 04:05:09)
You guys can have him; I fold.
satya 714 (2005-01-26 03:19:50)
Make sure this sinks in deep, and don¼t ever let it slip away. People love you...
pseudo dave (2005-01-26 03:57:26)
have you ever read frany and zooey?
fishcracker (2005-02-07 04:09:12)
This
has
nothing
to
do
with
this post, but I think you¼d like the work of <A HREF=”http://www.jimwoodring.com”>Jim Woodring.</A>
I really do.
326
3.1.10
(2005-01-26 06:26)
This morning, I have been reading, smoking, and going back through old poetry notebooks in a reminder
of 16-year old (which are really only 3 years old) fantasies. There was some dark stuff in there too. OMG
ANGST. :)
Boulder people: show up at the amphitheatre at 4:00 PM if you should wish to discuss the finer things
in life, and perhaps read a play of this ”Shakespeare” fellow we’ve been hearing so much about. (Just kidding; I virtually worship this man, and I want to start truly learning his plays.) I want to get a new Boulder
group talking about Shakespeare and indie music. We should do a read-through of one of the tragic works
or even the comic. Ba dum chhh.
If you are reading these words, you are invited!
[When people talk about travelling within dimensions, they have to work within dimensions. However,
someone can travel interdimensionally in 3-D by thinking about possibilities (or Muppet-style 4-D, haha)]
wake up donnie (2005-01-26 15:14:53)
I can¼t make it at 4:00. I have class. Yarr If it works, do this thing again on a weekend.
onewaystreet (2005-01-26 15:47:26)
i love going back through my old stuff; lol angst is exactly the right word. <3
dive (2005-01-26 16:00:57) on an unrelated note....
i remember seeing your post about needing webspace. Is it still a need? I¼ve got a bit, and I¼d be willing to cut a
chunk of my 7gig pie for an old friend. :) Just let me know if you¼re interested, and I¼ll get things setup.
yesthatems (2005-01-26 17:36:53)
Read Winter¼s Tale or Richard III. Good text in those.
cressidas love (2005-01-26 18:24:44)
I say read Troilus and Cressida and Othello if you haven¼t already, but I¼m sure you have. I
love Shakespeare. The only of his plays I¼ve read so far that I didn¼t particularly like was The Tempest;
I¼m not sure why, maybe because there didn¼t seem to be as much character development and such. I can¼t read
anything I¼ve written in the past without being thoroughly disgusted, so I put everything I write on the computer
so I¼ll be able to get rid of it easily. Of course, you¼re actually a good writer, so I imagine you wouldn¼t need to
do that.
wholesomedick (2005-01-26 19:18:23)
4:00pm today? I might stop by.
lightinjuly (2005-01-26 20:05:48)
I¼d come but large groups of people scare me and I have a sore throat.
mokeyonwheels (2005-01-28 06:02:41)
You¼re the yellow bird that I¼ve been waiting for. The end of paralysis, I was a statuette. Now I¼m
drunk as hell on the piano bench. And when I press the keys it all gets reversed. The sound of loneliness makes me
happier. It just seemed right.
327
cressidas love (2005-02-01 01:23:40)
You should really get on AIM and talk to me sometime.
burningtyger (2005-02-01 18:28:26)
Kevin I know you are starting this ”new bohemia” and what not but before you do that will you please come to my
birthday party on Saterday, February 5th? I mean Brandon is most likely coming, so you should come with him. Give
me a call ok? PLEASE!! :) 303-758-7133 bye Kev!
3.2
3.2.1
February
(2005-02-07 17:12)
Sorry about the lack of updates recently. And lack of responding to comments– sometimes it seems sort of
ridiculous to reply to every single one. I wouldn’t want you thinking I was trying to boost the number of
comments shown on my journal posts.
Here is what I have been working on today. A cover of an Ani Difranco song (off of her very first album) called ”Both Hands.” I added orchestration with my Alesis QS6 and just plugged my mic right into my
1/8” port.
Oh, and there are really shitty vocals.
[1]This is what I came up with.
Enjoy!! More life details later. For now, I’m really tired.
1. http://ucsu.colorado.edu/~carterk/TheComfortEagles-BothHands(AniDifrancoCover).mp3
maisnolemot (2005-02-08 01:34:27)
hehe, wow, is that you singing?! fantastico :)
wake up donnie (2005-02-08 02:04:29) Take my words too.
Dude, that kicked some ass I don¼t even like Ani I can¼t wait for more -A haiku for Kevin My only advice is to
make the microphone your bitch next time. You sounded kinda timid. It might have been the recording. But you¼ve
definitely got a singing voice. I think I¼ll email you all of my lyrics and you can make them into songs. Cause I
can¼t and it probably won¼t get done if you don¼t.
cressidas love (2005-02-08 02:08:26)
I tried to listen to the song. I heard most of it, but AOL and dial-up are definitely not a good combination. You have
a beautiful voice. You should find the song ”Sympathy (For Tomorrow)” by The Cruxshadows (the version from ”The
Mystery of the Whisper”). I think you would like it.
psychotik (2005-02-08 04:32:26)
won¼t work for me, for some reason. oddly enough, i HATE ani...except that one song.
readytostand (2005-02-08 06:00:25)
i¼d be interested in hearing why you hate her
328
psychotik (2005-02-08 06:27:19)
i think her voice is really whiny, and i don¼t find her lyrics to be ”omg so beautiful!” like other people do. hate
is a strong word. i don¼t hate her. however, i¼d never give her a cent of my money. plus, i think i only like the
orchestral version of ”these hands.” reminds me of my high school roommate.
clarablue (2005-02-08 07:45:41)
its both hands.
ecredes (2005-02-08 08:04:14)
pwnd.
psychotik (2005-02-08 14:42:30)
sorry. as i said, not a fan. i didn¼t mean to get anyone people riled up. i merely liked kevin¼s choice of song.
clarablue (2005-02-09 05:56:10)
oh right. because everyone is a fucking napoleon.
psychotik (2005-02-09 07:56:47)
that doesn¼t make any sense to me. sorry. why are you so upset because some person you don¼t know doesn¼t
share your passion for an artist? i fail to see why it¼s a big deal. i¼m not meaning that to sound pretentious
or anything, either. i didn¼t mean to offend you.
clarablue (2005-02-09 08:19:02) *hands you a sedative*
it was a song lyric its all good homie, its all good.
psychotik (2005-02-09 15:45:50) Re: *hands you a sedative*
i don¼t need a sedative, thanks. just confused. is that one of ani¼s lyrics? truth be told i probably would
never know. shame on me. thanks for enlightening me, though. what is your favorite ani song?
burningtyger (2005-02-08 21:47:42)
Well Kevin you have impressed me yet again. I didn¼t know you had THAT much talent. The vocals were a little
hazy but I could still hear that beautiful voice of yours. Um yeah, you know I¼m still mad at you for not going to
my 18th birthday party...meany
mokeyonwheels (2005-02-10 23:44:30)
you seem to be accumulating some LJ drama, kevincarter. so, i think i might want an English major...instead
of poli-sci. but what do i do with an english major. advise me, kid. -[[meghlo]]
lostheaven (2005-02-11 00:52:42)
I didn¼t listen to it. Only because I¼m here to troll. It probably sucked anyways, :-*. <marquee>:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:- *:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:- *:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*: -*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*: -*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*: -*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-* :-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-* :-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-* :-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*:-*</marquee>
seasand (2005-02-11 02:30:30)
yeah. -linds.
329
departed beauty (2005-02-13 03:07:08)
Kev I love this! I¼ve listened to it many times, you have such a great voice and I really like the piano too. I actually
downloaded the Ani song and I like it! Who¼d have thought that, but she is pretty cool and I¼ve downloaded some
of her other stuff too. Well good work I like your rendition of it.
yesthatems (2005-02-13 04:32:51)
Hi. I like you and I like your voice. :-)
yesthatems (2005-02-13 04:34:22)
PS you can plug your mic into my 1/8” port any time.
belleisme (2005-02-18 07:09:57)
boo
3.2.2
(2005-02-19 03:13)
A short list from today
++++++ Daisy chains
+ Leavened cinnamon rolls
+ Anne & Gilbert
+ Donkey Konga en francais
+ Rapture
+ The Rapture
+ Geese at Hourglass Lake
+ ”It’s all object-oriented.”
+ Triumph the Insult Comic Dog nominated for a Grammy
+ Discussions about Prince Eric’s sexual preference
+ 3-5-0-1-2-5 go!!!!
+/+/+/+/+/+/-
114 WPM
Soberness
Missing GWAR
Desperate aching yearning
+/- (the band)
Interview @ ITS
- $2 in my wallet
- Nessie
- 2 cool 4 Sewall
- Night terrors
- Irrationality
- Hardly writing at all
—– Frank Peretti
All in all, I LOVE LIFE.
330
onewaystreet (2005-02-19 14:54:54)
well, i love you. ;) <3
zztknightt (2005-02-19 17:32:31)
ha, i¼m writing something, but it¼s not getting anywhere. i¼m trying to find a central point, a theme. i¼m sure
the theme of the last story i sent you was obvious! 2 bucks? yay for the starving artist cliche!
kevincarter (2005-02-19 23:37:57)
Themes come easier after the fact for me. *starts singing Rent from the beginning*
bassist (2005-02-19 18:43:46)
”+/- +/- the band” That was priceless!
kevincarter (2005-02-19 23:39:10)
Thanks. :) I saw them open for Death Cab this summer. Every time they ended a song, they repeated, ”We¼re
+/-. We¼re from New York City.”
seasand (2005-02-19 20:38:11)
You still call it hourglass lake? The geese aren¼t geese at all. But swans. Seven of them. You have
adopted my affinity for listing. -Lindsey Marie. 
kevincarter (2005-02-19 23:40:48)
Yes. And you¼re right about both of the other things. Even if you aren¼t, I would rather believe you are.
brinagirl (2005-02-20 01:21:13)
love anne and gilbert.
kevincarter (2005-02-22 23:21:37)
Me too!!
groupie supreme (2005-02-20 04:12:50)
A useless vignette: My aunt loved Anne of Green Gables, too. (Come to think of it, maybe she was the one who
gave me the movies. I can¼t remember.) She told me that reading the books, she promised herself that she would
marry a man name Gilbert. She did, in fact, marry my uncle Gil. They¼re divorced now. But they were a damn
beautiful couple for a short while. He, the ex-rocker who looks suspiciously like a still-handsome middle-aged Heath
Ledger and she, the younger and devastatingly gorgeous European with a positively charming accent. I suppose she
lives somewhere in Miami with her sister, who¼s a model, and her brother-in-law, a personal trainer named Thor.
(No joke.) My uncle lives with his son and his dog in a beautiful home he just built. So all¼s well that ends well,
right? No, this has no relevance, but I¼m sure you can give it meaning if you try very hard. Plus, short to-the-point
comments are boooring. And lastly– Prince Eric, as in Ariel¼s Prince Eric? Because that¼s the only one
I can think of. If so, I¼m rather curious as to your conclusions regarding his sexuality. And even if it isn¼t Ariel¼s
Prince Eric, I¼m still curious, because I always thought he was a little colorful myself. But maybe it was just the
accent. (He didn¼t have an accent, did he.)
kevincarter (2005-02-22 23:24:00)
Useless? Really Alisha, I don¼t know what you¼re talking about sometimes. The story about your aunt and uncle
put a smile on my face that isn¼t likely to fade for quite some time. I could listen to you wax poetic about any topic
and be eternally satisfied. Conclusions about Ariel¼s prince¼s sexuality are impossible to reach, but speculations
331
are so much fun.
lightinjuly (2005-02-20 11:36:10) retarded question
Rapture as in job and then The Rapture as in the band or are there really two bands and I¼ve been making an ass
of myself to indie kids?
lightinjuly (2005-02-20 11:36:53) Re: retarded question
JOY not JOB christ thats the second fucking time tonight I made that typo. I think the guilt of being unemployeed
is taking its toll.
bassist (2005-02-20 21:27:13) What Would Happen If Joy Were Actually Spelled Job...
So I was listening to Mozart¼s Ode to Job at work the other day, when this delivery guy came in and
starting bitching to me about his job. He told me it was a job to come every night and be with his jobful little
tykes. Now, as a job counselor, it¼s my job, though not my job, to find jobs for people that gives them job. Job
job job, and job job. Job job job job, job job job job. So, job job job job job, job job job job... oh job...
wake up donnie (2005-02-21 05:49:20) Re: retarded question
everybody sing Happy, Happy, Job, Job. Happy, Happy, Job, Job.
kevincarter (2005-02-22 23:24:31) Re: retarded question
You got it!!! I can¼t believe that people understand what I¼m talking about sometimes.
catboxxx (2005-02-21 04:53:26)
hey, i was gonna see gwar live a few days ago but i got lazy and decided i was gonna sit under my bedcovers and drink
myself into a stupor instead. such is (my) life.
kevincarter (2005-02-22 23:25:46)
Apparently, I was mistaken about missing GWAR... I¼m probably going to Boulder tonight to watch people be
spewed with fake intestinal juices. And hopefully, I¼ll be drinking a bit too!!
catboxxx (2005-02-22 23:48:39)
awesome! clock the jizz for me, will you!
3.2.3
(2005-02-22 15:36)
Over the past few years, I have been intoxicated by comparative religious and philosophical study, oftentimes
to the detriment of my personal and academic life. Studying such things in depth is an emotionally and
physically draining (yet riveting) process, but as I have learned from past lovers of knowledge, it is one of
the most important. I now believe that in order to find what is best in life, it is necessary to examine all
possible ideologies before choosing the best one. There is a sign on Norlin Library in Boulder that says, ”He
who knows only his own generation remains forever a child,” and I agree with that maxim.
However, in studying such matters, it becomes difficult to break outside of the established academic
box for the purpose of creating your own personal pragmatic ideology. Over the past few days, I have been
formulating a number of thoughts about such things. Here we go.
The St. Francis of Assisi Problem: Why Belief in Jesus as the One Incarnated, Perfect God Is A
Limitation on Human Ability
332
(note to the reader, before we start: in order to question the traditional Christian framework around
those who are Christians, it is sometimes necessary to work within the presumptions of Biblical inerrancy,
sometimes known as verbal plenary inspiration of the Scriptures. The fact that I am operating under the
framework does not mean such assumptions should be held as true by you, the reader, or by me as the
writer. It simply means that a few certain assumptions must be made.)
In Salinger’s Franny and Zooey, a text commonly cited by both adherents and opponents to the
Christian belief system, the character Zooey tells Franny that to pray the Jesus prayer effectively, she must
truly learn who Jesus was as a man. Zooey tells her that the Jesus she is praying to is not St. Francis of
Assisi.
That is a really big problem for her. Zooey speculates that Franny likes St. Francis of Assisi better
than Jesus, because he exhibits lovingkindess and meekness in a seemingly more admirable way than
Jesus does. Despite the fact the Francis lived by the principles of Jesus, some people think that his life
was greater than that of Jesus. However, if Jesus is truly the ideal man, then his life is uneclipsable and
untouchable by adherents to the Christian faith. My hypothesis is that the imitation of Christ brings people
further away from their ideas of perfection/quality. If that’s true, then it’s pretty disgusting. In a world
where Jesus was really the perfect example of humans, living a more beautiful, more full life than Jesus’
would be impossible. If one truly lived according to the principles of Jesus, that person’s life would be the
embodiment of perfection.
So the Bible is saying that people cannot be better than Jesus. I believe that this is one of the major limitations of the past two millenia. This isn’t an original idea. Most of it I got from reading Nietzsche,
who despite having some whacked-out ideas about a few things, would likely agree with me. Even if that’s
not what he was trying to say in his denial of past Apollonian thought and acceptance of Dionysus as a
new model, it’s good to think about it in those terms. (Oh, also, just because I know that Nietzsche said
that doesn’t make me insane. The only people who are really insane are those who cease acting based upon
rationality.)
That is a problem for me, personally. I want to live as full of a life as possible, and I’m not sure it
can be done with Jesus as the sole example. Besides, we’re not even given a true picture of Jesus’ life in the
Bible. We just see a few little snapshots, a few glimpses. Nothing from his life from 3 until 12, and nothing
after that from 12 until 30, when his ministry started.
The Crucifixion Problem: What if Jesus Lived Until 37?
It is commonly agreed to by the majority of historians that the crucifixion of Jesus by the ”Holy”
Roman Empire took place when he was 33. (To anyone who believes I am being heretical in asking questions
about Christianity, the concept of this to me is akin to my horror at Socrates being forced to drink hemlock.
It is disgusting and unconscionable to murder someone based on their espoused ideas, despite whatever you
might think of them. As a perfect early twentieth century of biographer perfectly summarized Voltaire’s
ideology on freedom of speech, ”I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will defend to the death
your right to say it.”) Under traditionalist Christian thinking, if Jesus would have been alive for four more
years to continue his healing ministry (without knowing whether such healing gifts were genuine or a form
of mass hysteria similar to Benny Hinn revivalist meetings), his life obviously would have been more ideal
than it was, as his message. So even assuming Jesus’ 33 years on Earth was the perfect way to live a life,
if he would have lived longer, his life would have been even more perfect. (Also, if the concept of imitating
Jesus’ life perfectly is carried out to its illogical conclusion, everyone should learn the trade of carpentry
and gravitate towards a death similar to his. Which makes absolutely no sense at all.) Imagine what these
333
four years could have been, orthodox Christians. How then can you say that Jesus lived the perfect life?
Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say he lived an excellent life, allowing society to have some room to grow?
Of course, such a statement is heretical and would have gotten me burned at the stake in the 13th
century, since making such a statement makes me the antichrist according to Pauline epistles. (Note: the
antichrist in the canonical scriptures is not the antichrist of Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins; it is anyone who
does not profess Jesus to be the literal incarnation of God on earth and that denies the literal resurrection.)
I know I have said some completely inflammatory things that I never backed up in this journal
about the nature of religion, but these are honest problems (similar to the philosophical ”problem of evil”)
that I would really like a Christian to think through and answer. If you really want everyone to eventually
reach the truth, please try to solve these sorts of problems that people like me who desperately, desperately
want to believe (so much they say the Jesus prayer over and over again whenever they get scared) but
cannot accept a seemingly illogical religion.
psychotik (2005-02-22 23:25:56)
and i believe in limitations of humans (humans who are not divine, such as jesus was) and it all makes sense to me...
but i agree 100 % that you have every right not to believe, and i won¼t bug you about it, because that¼s not my
style. the fact that you¼re thinking of everything is pretty awesome, and i liked reading this a lot.
psychotik (2005-02-22 23:32:15)
also, i think that jesus having lived four more years would not necessarily have been better. i mean, yes thigns would
have grown, but i don¼t think there¼s any such thing as ”more perfect.” to me that phrase makes no sense. could
you explain it further? also, do you mind if i pool some of my friends together to address these questions? you¼ve
given me a lot to think about, and i¼d like some more opinions from both christians and non christians. i think
leading a moral life is important, and you¼re right - religion doesn¼t give you all the answers. still, i personally do
not choose to ignore it, because i think it has a kind of framework.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:01:06)
I was thinking about it, and Jesus¼ command to ”love one another as I have loved you” is essentially a commandment to become like a god. I find this fascinating, because I almost think of us in the 21st century as demigods.
However, the problem with imitation of a god is that they sometimes have a limitation that prevents human¼s
potential from being fulfilled. That¼s how I feel about other teachers like Confucius and Siddhartha Gautama
(Buddha) as well. Your reaction that there¼s no such thing as ”more perfect” sort of proves my point. The idea is
if the ministry would have affected more people, and if more people would have been cured of their diseases through
faith, the world would have benefitted greatly. Which brings me to another question: why did Jesus have to leave
the world in the first place? Honestly, it would be much easier for me to believe if I could witness the sort of miracles
he performed with my own eyes. I don¼t mind at all! I would really enjoy having a theological forum of sorts.
Religion definitely isn¼t something to ignore, but I think it is certainly something to think through on a rational
level.
psychotik (2005-02-24 05:59:07)
seeing it before your eyes is great, but it can also take away the element of faith. that¼s kind of like that whole
”why does God let bad things happen?” question. sometimes there are honestly no answers.
readytostand (2005-02-23 00:41:20)
note to self: never fall in love with a theologian
334
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:02:09)
Hahahaha! ”Theologians: They don¼t know nothin¼ About my soul.” –Wilco
bassist (2005-02-23 01:20:29)
I¼m not a Christian, though I¼ve had enough of a background to at least dabble in it tenets, so please, don¼t take
this commentary as anything other than my personal musings. When it was explained to me, Jesus led a good life,
but just as he was killed by men, he was also restricted by men. If he had been allowed to lead as he was meant to,
then his life would¼ve been perfect, but it was not. His death, however, was. The idea of the holy trinity separates
the Jesus who walked the Earth from the Jesus who rose above it. Are they the same? Yes and no. In essence, the
perfection that is Jesus could only truly be realized after he had died. St. Francis of Assisi could have lived the life
closest to perfection, but only because he was given more of an opportunity than Jesus was. Despite this fact, we¼re
meant to understand that Jesus¼s life was designed to be perfect and that we got in the way. Therefore, as St.
Francis did, we should aspire to live the life we denied him. Of course, I have enough difficulty believing Jesus truly
lived, let alone that he¼s the son of a god I don¼t believe in.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:05:19)
Wow, that theodicy seriously makes a lot of sense to me. The philosophical argument that (to me) best explains the
problem of evil in this world is Hick¼s Iraenean argument: that humanity is what caused the perfectly-created world
to be imperfect by its own foolish actions. However, couldn¼t God, through his omnipotence, have designed a world
in which Jesus was not restricted from fully performing his ministry? I would rather be a perfect, omnibenevolent,
omnisicent, and omnipresent god¼s robot than affect the world in such a way.
bassist (2005-02-23 20:21:18)
If earlier scriptures (namely the Old Testament/Torah) are to be believed, God had growing room as well. It seems
that up until the point when God becames a father, he/she was a vengeful God. Once Jesus was born, lived and died,
God suddenly became compassionate. In many ways, this mimics the transformation we see in mankind. Before
the birth of your child, you¼re more likely to be criminal, risk death, and lead an unwholesome life. People seem
to be affected by the act of having children. In the PJE (Post-Jesus-Era), God stopped holding mountains over
people¼s heads, he/she got the devil to do the dirty work, and he/she basically let people live the lives they wanted
to, disappearing from his previous meddling ways. I can¼t be convinced that this change in God¼s image isn¼t a
result of growth on his/her part, and if God had room to grow... There¼s an old myth of Jewish Mysticism known
as Tikun Olam, which translates from the hebrew as heal the world. As I remember it, at the beginning
of time, there were vessels, clay jars, containing all the light in the universe. Somehow, these vessels broke and the
light spread across the sky becoming the stars and the pieces of he pot becoming planets and the raw materials
of life (possibly a metaphor for the big bang???). Our job, as mankind, is to do good deeds, for each good deed
helps heal the universe, rebuilding the jars and containing the light as it was meant to be. In essence, we do have a
destiny, but it¼s so loose that we¼re given the breadth of action with which to complete it. Combine this with Old
Testament scripture, and I think it¼s apparent that in God¼s creation of us, we were given free will. If Jesus was
a man, then God would¼ve given him the same free will since that¼s inherently part of the design. I remember
an old quote that seems apt here: ”Any man can kill; a powerful one knows when not to.” (excuse me if I misquoted
that)
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:45:04)
Holy shit, man. That is intense. Most Christians believe in the idea of an ”omni-everything-good” God, which
means that to orthodox Christians, Yahweh should also be unchanging. However, I don¼t think he is. Yahweh
and Jesus have quite different governmental philosophies, or so it seems to me. It¼s ”eye for an eye, and a tooth
for a tooth” of Mosaic law versus ”turn the other cheek” of the New Testament. Those don¼t compute for me.
Tikun Olam sounds fascinating. I¼ve never heard anything about it before and will have to look into it.
335
darth carnate (2005-02-23 20:30:01)
Ah, but why would God want to be served by robots? Something doesn¼t mean as much if it¼s automatic. Would
you rather receive a gift from someone because they felt like giving it to you, or just have them give you whatever
you want because they have no choice? In the same way, if we were forced to love, honor, obey God, it wouldn¼t
have any meaning. As much as it hurts when someone doesn¼t love you, it¼s worth the joy of someone choosing
you.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:47:52)
Jesus himself asks for us to pray the prayer to the Father for his will to be done. Because this is a command of
Jesus, and because if we don¼t follow his will, this isn¼t really free will but slave morality. It¼s a communist
choice, like in an RPG where no matter what you do, you¼re almost forced to pick a certain option. If God really
wanted the best for the world, it would seem that he would force us to choose. The whole ”angels and free will”
argument also doesn¼t hold much ground, because Lucifer was obviously able to make the choice to rebel against
God in heaven. So God had already created angels with free choice, particularly since a lot of them decided to
rebel against him according to orthodox Christian mythology.
bassist (2005-02-23 21:03:46)
Doesn¼t that make God selfish? Creating things just to worship him/her?
mokeyonwheels (2005-02-23 01:40:59) I can neither argue for, nor against this.
Not only am I not religious, my parents, if anything would be Hindu (though, they also are agnostic, so, you
know, not really), so my knowledge of Christianity is...heavily limited. Regardless, I enjoyed reading this. ...But you
know me, I¼m a KevinCarter fan.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:08:27) Re: I can neither argue for, nor against this.
Hinduism is fascinating... I have been reading excerpts of the Vedas and am really intrigued. The process of comparative religion, I feel, should bring an individual closest to whatever value system makes the most sense to them.
So I¼m hoping it does that for me. Your icon is hypnotizing.
mokeyonwheels (2005-02-23 20:30:53) Oh, Kevin, why do I ramble? You probably don't even care...far too
detailed.
I fear my knowledge of Hinduism is also quiet &minuscule, considering my parents tend to find such practices pointless. My grandparents pray twice a day, and twice a year we go to pujas, one honoring the goddess
Durga (the ten-armed goddess of fertility and plants and the third embodiment of the Devi, who vanquished the
buffalo-demon Mahish), and one honoring the goddess Saraswati (Hindu goddess of learning who represents the
union of power and intelligence from which organized creation arises and possesses all the learnings of the Vedas,
scriptures, dancing, musical power and poetry. She revealed language and writing to man. She is wisdom, fortune,
intelligence, nourishment, brilliance, contentment, splendor, and devotion). I think we limit it to those because of
our ridiculous location in good ol Manhattan, Kansas. So, we venture to Topeka or Kansas City for such occasions.
But I wont lie, my parents only go for social contacts with their out-of-town friends, and I only go cause the food is
good, and because Im forced to (and now I dont even have to go anymore). I know, its a wonderful trashing of ones
own culture, but I wasnt brought up to love it &religiously anyway. [Eek, can you tell I got some of the goddess
information from a website? How awful! I mean, I knew Durga was 10 armed, and I was always supposed to really
pray to Saraswati because she would help my studies, which she never seemed to do so well &but I figured maybe
a website could tell it more eloquently]. I feel like I should stop here before I incriminate myself anymore. I dont
dislike my culture. I just dont know it very well. I can speak my language. And, to be quiet honest, my parents
have given us up to the god of second generation ABCDs (American Born Confused Desi) &a lost cause. Plus, I
couldnt ever really believe in blue people and 10-armed god-people. Not my thing. As for the icon &yeah, it is quiet
mesmerizing. It makes me feel like a goofy fangirl. But, then again, if youve seen my user info, its enough to make
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anyone sick.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:51:18) Re: Oh, Kevin, why do I ramble? You probably don't even care...far too
detailed.
It sounds like you have quite a bit more than a ”miniscule” understanding of Hinduism. That is fascinating... I
really want to read up on Saraswati. She sounds like quite a goddess. :) Haha, ABCD is a funny expression.
charcoalmonroe (2005-02-24 01:33:55) Re: I can neither argue for, nor against this.
See, if your discussion was about Hinduism I would have something to offer... but I know next to nothing about
Christianity. I will say this though: be very careful when getting into comparative religion. Sometimes its tempting
to find parallels between religions, but this can also lead to misinterpretation. Especially when discussing ”religions”
such as ”Hinduism,” which first of all is not a text-based religion in the same way Christianity, Judaism, and Islam
are, but is also not monolithic but instead a massive variety of traditions, practices, and histories that we in the
West have conveniently grouped under one name. A lot of misunderstanding about Hinduism was created by the
British both when they decided to refer to many forms of Indian spirituality under one name and when they tried
to find textual examples proving that modern Indian practices were actually ”Hindu” practices. While the Vedas
and other ancient texts are very important and interesting, there is also a rich history and variety of practice that
is equally, if not more, important in understanding Hinduism. ok, I¼m sort of just babbling now because I¼m
hungry and my brain has turned off...
songandcheer (2005-02-23 01:45:13) Heresy!
Cursory thought ¼cause I¼m on the fly, but it seems to me that Jesus is perfect not for his worldly years, but for
his state of homoousias. What really did the guy have on the rest of us but for being Gods vessel? And not
even a really great one. I mean, the Gospel of Thomas recounts his having killed a playmate! Have you ever killed
anyone Kevin? Have you? There you go. Youre better than Jesus. Yah this is BS, not my real response. Actually
Im thinking about Anselm in here...I know his arguments are ontological but his ”conception of perfect” case might
somehow be applicable. Okay must fly now. Will be back. Cool though.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:16:49) Re: Heresy!
When you use a word (homoousias) that has all of 64 results on Google, thereby nearly stumping the
greatest search engine of Earth¼s information resources, you know that you are one smart cookie. The ”conception
of perfect” argument would make sense from a Christian perspective were we not told Biblically that it was in our
ability through God to not only conceive of that sort of perfection, but also achieve it. (c.f. Matt. 5:48 & Ephesians
5) For being on the fly, you have theological skills that could get you into Oxbridge. :)
bassist (2005-02-23 20:23:33) Re: Heresy!
He misspelled it: <a href=”http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2 &q=Homoousians”>Homoousians</a> - A
Christian supporting the Council of Nicaea¼s Trinitarian definition of Jesus the Son of God as consubstantial with
God the Father. [from <a href=”http://www.dictionary.com/”>Dictionary.com</a>]
Actually, if you look at the etymology of the word, Sarah didn¼t misspell it. The English word ”Homoousians”
comes from the late Latin word ”homousianus,” which is a virtual transliteration of the Greek ”homoousias.” But
that is a badass word.
darth carnate (2005-02-23 20:32:57) Re: Heresy!
To be fair, not only is that actually the Infancy Gospel of Thomas (written by someone else) as opposed to the
Gospel of Thomas, but that particular book isn¼t really accepted as truth by anyone. Also, in the Infancy Gospel
of Thomas, Jesus also kills two different men who try to apprentice Him.
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Some people accept that book as truth. So the statement that it ”isn¼t really accepted by truth by anyone” is...
well... untrue.
darth carnate (2005-02-24 02:38:52) Re: Heresy!
I¼m sorry. I should have said ”generally.” I realize that a few people do accept the Infancy Gospel of Thomas as
true, but I have never really met anyone who did, nor have I heard from anyone who truly thought of it as scripture,
so I assumed (incorrectly) that no one did. For the most part, however, people don¼t accept it as truth.
bethyjoy (2005-02-23 02:06:12)
John 14:12 (Jesus speaking to the disciples): ”I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have
been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” (Italics mine) I¼ll
let you surmise what you will from this b/c I think Scripture speaks for itself.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:35:58)
Wow, that¼s a pretty amazing verse, and it¼s pretty amazing that you knew where to find it!! But who on Earth
has done greater things than Jesus? Very few people in Christendom actually take those words to heart.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:37:46)
Also, if someone does better things than Jesus, shouldn¼t we accept them as our personal Lord and Savior?
bethyjoy (2005-02-24 07:23:26) Don't discount the Holy Spirit
Well, you have to look at the second part of the verse for why we shouldn¼t accept those greater people as our
Savior. Jesus says we will be able to do greater things than he ”because [he is] going to the Father.” Now, elsewhere
in the Bible he says he HAS to go to the Father so that he can send the Counselor, aka the Holy Spirit. See John
14:25-28: ”25All this I have spoken while still with you. 26But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father
will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27Peace I
leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid. 28You heard me say, I am going away and I am coming back to you. If you loved me, you
would be glad that I am going to the Father, for the Father is greater than I.” My interpretation is that Jesus says
we will be able to do greater things than he because once he goes to the Father, he will send the Holy Spirit to
indwell believers, meaning that if you have faith in God, God can do great works through you. Man isn¼t doing
the works. God is doing them through man. I think there¼s a great distinction between ”this man doing better
things than Jesus” and ”this man, through the Holy Spirit, doing better things than Jesus.” Does that make sense?
onewaystreet (2005-02-23 02:10:10)
ive said it before and ill say it again– you are simply brillant.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:38:19)
I am blushing right now. Thank you. Likewise. :)
onewaystreet (2005-02-23 20:40:14)
hahah the great kevin carter? wow. =)
yesthatems (2005-02-23 04:18:05)
Someday, my darling, you will realize the One True Way: my Rockin¼ Lord and Savior, Elvis Presley. I¼m sorry.
I know you take your faith heartbreakingly seriously (and you know my feelings about it / assumptive perfection /
¼there is no such thing as human nature¼ ee tee see) but really isn¼t the world just what we perceive of it? And
therefore there is no true perception? Okay, I¼m babbling and Babbeling. Heartchoo.
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kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:54:56)
Presleybyterianism is so fucking tempting sometimes. If the world is just what we perceive it, then there¼s quite
a bit we can agree on. The earth is round, the sky is blue, and hexagrams are cool shapes. However, the stuff we
don¼t agree on is grounds for debate. I think you would really enjoy Sartre¼s ”Essays on Existentialism.” He gives
grounds as to why humanity should institute some sort of value/ethical system, despite the fact that he doesn¼t
believe moral truth exists in the state of nature. Heartchoo too! (That sounds like a Pokémon.)
bileograph (2005-02-23 04:45:47)
Hey
Kevin.
Here
is
how
you
can
pay
me
back
for the money outstanding: follow this <a href=”https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=79
662 &lis=1 &kntae79662=CC3AC05F7AAA400EB7DA8A763BDFD6A0 &supId=72152702”>link</a> and make the
appropriate donation. Check back with me once you¼ve done it, just so I know- and try to do it soon. Thanks.
(2005-02-23 05:01:19)
Kevin - I would really like to see you so that we can discuss these things in person. Thus, please call me when you¼re
free, and we can go sit at a cafe somewhere until the late hours of the morning. If you don¼t I¼ll assume that
you¼d rather not have your points discussed.... In Peace, Taryn
kevincarter (2005-02-23 21:01:53)
Just did!! Tag, you¼re it.
(2005-02-24 04:14:11)
harharhar.... do you know what I just love? I just love it that I have to confirm that I am human. That is just
fabulous! What i hate is when the little box is hard to read, and you don¼t know if it¼s a g, a q, or a 9. You
know what I mean?
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:55:24)
Awesome. Thanks, Billy! Sorry it¼s taken so long. Nice picture on the site. :)
obsidianfawn (2005-02-23 05:07:23)
I¼m sure you¼re not surprised by this at all, but I just scrolled down this post and all I saw was, ”Mla mla mla, I
am full of shit.” Sometimes you make me laugh Kevin. ;p
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:56:11)
Can I come over today and give you your Ranma DVD?
obsidianfawn (2005-02-23 21:09:14)
Sure thing! I¼ve got your Lain too. What time?
daredevilninja (2005-02-23 22:39:53)
im with devin on this one, sorry but for once shes actually right
obsidianfawn (2005-02-23 22:53:26)
o O for once? lol
piratepyro (2005-02-23 05:40:46)
NOOOO FRANNY AND ZOOEY AND SALINGER NOOOOO! I formally invite the Kevin to join the Boycotting
Salinger campaign. Even if you like him, you can still join, because you are a nice fella. Seriously, that was very
interesting. Especially from my atheist P.O.V. God I love people who are smarter than me. Sara P.
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kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:57:43)
Can I join the boycott even though Salinger is one of my favorite authors and my ideology seems antithetical to the
spirit of the club? The only reason I ask is because it seems like cool people are in it. I would rather join some sort
of honorary Creekie club, to be honest.
heathyrre (2005-02-23 05:56:58)
Awww look at my smart little boy :) You should let all these girls know that you love me before they get hurt. :/
yesthatems (2005-02-23 17:23:52)
We already are, trust me.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:58:22)
Pshaw.
kevincarter (2005-02-23 20:58:14)
I do love you, Heather. But don¼t they say that the more you give, the more you have to give?
heathyrre (2005-02-24 03:15:38)
Thank you for satisfying my need for somewhat-frequent reassurance, which is also what I¼m working on. I love
you, too. And, I don¼t know. I don¼t give very much. :/
(2005-02-23 22:25:31)
Do you believe that St. Francis of Assisi was a greater man than Jesus? And furthermore do you think that during
the years of Jesus¼s life that we did not hear about, that he did great things? Maybe there is a reason why those
years were left out of the Bible.
kevincarter (2005-02-25 18:49:43)
I¼m not sure I personally hold the opinion about St. Francis, but I trust Franny as a character. And I think John
Lennon might have been greater under my personal criteria for what defines great. (I¼m saying this tongue-in-cheek,
but it¼s really my whole point.) If Jesus wanted us to show others His love, it might have been practical for His
followers to know the intimate details of His life through the supposed revelation of Scripture.
cressidas love (2005-02-23 22:50:20)
Perhaps he would have lived four more years if the people hadn¼t chosen to nail him to a cross instead. How long
he lived and what he did during that period of time was limited by the will of the people he lived among. I¼m not
trying to defend the religion though. It¼s fairly obvious I¼m not a Christian. The biggest problem I have with the
religion is the fact that god supposedly gave us free will so that he would be glorified when we chose to serve
him, but look at the choice we have. We can serve god and go to heaven, or we can choose not to serve him and spend
eternity burning in hell. If he truly wanted people to freely choose to follow him, he would allow them the
choice to either follow him and go to heaven, or not follow him and go to an equally desirable destination. Of course,
if that were the case, no one would follow him. Anyway, sorry to bother you with my pointless comment.
kevincarter (2005-02-25 18:52:48)
About the first point, you¼re right. But if God really had the power to do so, He should have engaged in a teleological suspension of the ethical and slain the people that were trying to harm Jesus in Old Testament fashion, at least
until everything He wanted to take care of on Earth was done. (For instance, Jesus could have had more time to
preach to the thief on the cross that rejected him as the Messiah.) It seems weird to talk about this, but in the spirit
of discussing such topics with Christians, it is prudent to first agree to their tenets and then ask questions about
the illogicalities of Biblical events within the system. I think your point about the Communist choice is extremely
340
insightful. & sorry about the last time we talked on AIM. The phone rang, and I had to answer it. I promise, it was
nothing personal. :)
cressidas love (2005-02-25 19:54:28)
You have a good point, although it seems to me that god would have been sending mixed messages if he had done
so. Jesus preached a message of compassion and love, so if god had been smiting people in order to allow his son to
preach such a message it would have been an odd contradiction. Aside from that, Jesus made a point of allowing
people to either accept or reject him. If god had been killing those who rejected him, Jesus would have gained
followers because of fear rather than belief, which wasn¼t what he was about at all. Of course, having made my
previous point about what you call the communist choice, it doesn¼t seem outside of god¼s character to scare
people into belief. I agree completely with your point that it is necessary to accept Christian beliefs before trying
to discuss the problems you have with the religion. That¼s alright. I wasn¼t in the best mood that day.
groupie supreme (2005-02-24 00:52:32)
I now believe that in order to find what is best in life, it is necessary to examine all possible ideologies before
choosing the best one. Alisha¼s very meaningful edit: It is necessary to examine all possible ideologies.
kevincarter (2005-02-25 18:53:02)
You¼re so right. As always.
mooseka (2005-02-24 06:28:48)
tl;dr
kevincarter (2005-02-25 18:53:14)
omg lol
milkmansmeagol (2005-02-28 08:53:51) Awesome
I wrote a similar essay to yours recently. Over the past few days actually. Next time you are online and feel like it, i
could send it to you. it¼s long, but i think we see eye to eye on a few things
(2005-03-08 00:06:04)
Where¼d you go?
3.3
3.3.1
April
(2005-04-01 02:37)
Let’s see. I haven’t really updated this in a while, aside from a few really scattered posts, theological arguments, and really fucking bombastic metaphysical poetry (BOOOORRIINGG). Part of the problem is that
I don’t really know what anyone wants to hear, so meh.
Some weird shit has been going down. After supporting myself fully for a year and a half at college, using
money I earned working at the library without any financial help from them for tuition or spending money,
I was basically broke. This is due to the fact that my parents didn’t help me through college, which is sort
of a difficult thing for an 18 year old. Despite having financial aid based on my academic merit, work-study,
and loans I took out, I wasn’t able to hold things together. Basically, I was going without food and other
fun stuff quite a bit. So when I asked for further help from my parents, they basically said, ”Screw you,
hippie!” This is after both my mom and my dad borrowed $1000 each at the beginning of the semester due
341
to their somewhat ridiculous financial management abilities. It’s not like my family is dirt poor or anything.
My dad makes an excellent income doing software sales, and my mom is a teacher. It is simply that the
allocation of funds doesn’t allow Kevin to have college money. There are more important things than that,
one of which is the forced indoctrination of my brother and sister at Faith Christian High School– sort of a
double whammy for me. So I am slightly bitter.
Granted I am not a perfect individual. There have been many extenuating circumstances, which I am
partly at fault for. But there are some things in my upbringing that by my parents very wishes I did not
have control over, therefore I should not be held responsible. Yeah, that might be against existentialist principles, but what they don’t account for is that some people get really fucked up by their parents! Basically
I find it sort of stupid that I’m working a part-time job just to get to where I had already made it to. It’s
not like they’re so badly off that they couldn’t help me out with, you know, a dwelling place or FOOD every
once in a while. I am extremely frustrated, but my consolation is that I WILL BE BACK AT CU IN
AUGUST. That sort of pisses me off at the same time.
So as of late I have been working at EchoStar Communications, which does DISH Network satellite TV.
I hate selling my soul to the capitalistic machine, and it sort of makes me want to play a Pink Floyd record
over and over until the needle breaks. Fucking Robot Adam Smith and his Malthusian theories. THERE IS
SUCH LITTLE SCARCITY IN THE MODERN WORLD. THE PROBLEM LIES IN DISTRIBUTION OF
RESOURCES or something. We all just need to work together in a sort of spirited Roddenberry-Nashian
communitarian system, featuring the occasional ideology borrowed from Amitai Etzioni or John Rawls! Of
course that wouldn’t really benefit the patrician class, so... whatevz.
Maybe the problem is in my expectations. Actually, I think that’s exactly where it is. I expect things
to be perfect all the time, and they’re not. However, sometimes my expectations of myself are too high and
my expectations of others are too low.
Somehow, though, playing along on the piano to In the Aeroplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel
takes out my frustration and makes me feel better.
I think it’s sort of funny that the romantic problems I’m having now are totally different than the romantic problems I used to have. I have changed a whole lot. Thanks, Boulder!!! (I say that both sincerely
and with a tinge of irony in my voice.)
I miss a lot of people and extremely regret not being able to talk to some of them more. A few off the
top of my head: The Group, Stray Members of The Group, Lindsey Whitacre, Sarah Gantsoudes (whose
initials remain in my wallet), John Thornton, Billy Cheng, Tim Miles, Vincent D’Arrigo, Lauren Varner,
Elizabeth Cobb, Taryn Davis, Marianne Baum, Bailey Moyers, Daniel Auchenpaugh, Marcus Kellis, Molly
Sullivan, &c. &c. &c. If you are reading this, I miss you too– seriously. Call me. (720) 261-2977.
Bulleted list of fun things I have been doing:
• Reading Aleister Crowley and Anton LaVey.
• Trying to find every possible Joy Division album ever released.
• Cranium. Fuck yeah.
• Cultivating an interest in the hermetic sciences.
• Being a hermit. (See above.)
342
• Beating Fable like a nerd. W00T!
• Wishing for things other than reading, writing, and music to lose myself in.
• Searching for purpose and finding 42.
• Learning about what love is.
• Hating Haddaway. (No offense to Haddaway lovers.)
Now that my head and the air has been cleared, maybe I can start writing in here again. I’m horrible with
updating this thing. I just have to treat it like my journal. I haven’t been writing enough lately, and usually
this stuff comes to me in fits. This is a fit. I am throwing a literary fit, and you are bearing witness to it for
some reason.
Writing quite a few short stories lately, working on a game project (Fred, the Misunderstood Demon),
and doing tons of other stuff. Thus concludes the monthly update.
I’m not even going to read back through this post– just let it go. I concentrate too much on getting
things just right and then get frustrated when they’re not. The aim needs to be getting things out, like I
used to do. I’ll probably write more later.
Peace dawg!
wholesomedick (2005-04-01 10:11:39)
Reading Aleister Crowley and Anton LaVey Than can be hazardous for to health – and not for all the
reasons people usually say they are. ;-)
mokeyonwheels (2005-04-01 14:34:05)
It¼s amazing that you managed to support yourself even that long. I admire you wholly.
wake up donnie (2005-04-01 14:44:58)
OMFG!!!! Kevin¼s not dead. I had no proof outside of hearsay. But this must be the real thing. It sounds too much
like him to be an imposter or doppleganger. I have May off. We need to make music Kevin, not for ourselves, but for
the world at large.
airik (2005-04-01 15:30:32)
gj kev. see you this summer.
yesthatems (2005-04-01 16:39:32)
<img src=”http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/yesthatems/robotadamsmit h.jpg” alt=”Image hosted by Photobucket.com”> Love you x1,000 million. We didn¼t get to discuss Dictionopolis last night, which makes me sad.
Was going to call you, but fell asleep. Ah well.
wardenusa (2005-04-01 16:58:30)
stop smoking weed hippie ;)
jessocat (2005-04-01 17:46:44)
ya bastaaahd
343
bassist (2005-04-01 19:47:16)
Remember, you¼re always welcome back at 1190. We can¼t win the war against corporate radio without you.
onewaystreet (2005-04-01 21:58:06)
ugh, i miss you. =\ <3333 hang in there.
bileograph (2005-04-01 22:59:14) Chin up.
Hey fella. I won¼t be heading out West again for quite a bit, and beyond livejournal, I am also sort of incommunicado.
That is the bad news. The good news is that I understand Tim might be heading to Boulder for a concert at some
point.
obsidianfawn (2005-04-01 23:27:09)
Hey Kevin, ever heard of a paragraph break? Not that I would have actually read everything you wrote otherwise,
but it might of helped. Lol.
piratepyro (2005-04-01 23:30:37)
I love how you combine philsophy with words like ”meh” and ”whatevz.” It feels me with adoration. I mean Guadalupé!
Kevin, if I wasn¼t so stupid and annoying I think we could be best friends. And that¼s mean of your parents. And...
yes. Not nice. Forced indoctrination and no moneys. Not nice.
cressidas love (2005-04-02 00:02:25)
Wishing for things other than reading, writing, and music to lose myself in. What else is there?
captainmplanet (2005-04-02 20:21:16)
Kevin Carter! I was just thinking about you as I scanned my friends page in search of an entry of interest. What a
delight to happen upon an update from you! I owe you a call. WE MUST CATCH UP. I¼m so sorry about your
financial/college situation, and that your parents have other priorities financially and fundamentalistically (I might
have made that word up; fundamentally doesn¼t sound RIGHT here, somehow). It is good that you get to go back in
not even six months, and that you have a job in the meantime. I wish you all the best with this unfortunate quandary,
and I¼d be happy to discuss more via phone or...LETTER. I¼ve decided recently that all the kickass people I know
on LJ, with whom I have kept in touch on and off (mostly off lately) for many months and years, would make fantastic
pen-pals. And so, when I call, I will be giving you an address where you can, if you so choose, and if time allows, send
letters to me, and I will also request your mailing address. I think it¼ll be much more effective than trying to keep
up sporadically over the Internet, though I¼m certainly greatly for that connection, and for the opportunity to read
your journal. So if it¼s convenient for you as well, let the letter-writing commence! Take care, and I¼ll talk to you
soon–maybe even before you read this comment.
captainmplanet (2005-04-02 20:29:01)
Uggh I¼m on crack or three hours of shut-eye. Correction: though I¼m certainly grateful for that
connection. Geeeez.
heathyrre (2005-04-04 04:43:58)
do you know how much i love you? you really dont i think. I myself forget how much until i read something like this.
i love you so much!
burningtyger (2005-04-04 16:46:30)
More litarary fits please :)
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3.3.2
(2005-04-01 02:45)
Because I’m in sort of a nostalgic mood, a poem I wrote when I was 14:
”Convicted” 11/14/2000
I stand here now, rejecting God,
though Earth whips me with its displeasure.
Along well-trodden paths I plod
to seek the so elusive treasure.
I need an answer to my question;
I shall complete my quest in
time, yet now I search for something more:
I must walk ’round the open door.
zztknightt (2005-04-01 14:05:06)
that¼s not bad at all... something about the way you placed syllables caught my interest. that¼s the sort of stuff
i¼ve always been writing, though i think you manage to get messages across, while i just put together lines that
sound cool.
wardenusa (2005-04-01 16:59:16)
If you die and go to heaven and talk to god...don¼t show him the poem ;)
piratepyro (2005-04-01 23:16:08)
That¼s a lot better than the crap I wrote when I was 14 that¼s for sure.
bileograph (2005-04-01 23:29:43)
I¼m not very good at poetry but there¼s something weird about the stresses of this. I think it starts to uncoil
around ”the so elusive treasure.” I¼m also unsure about the rhyme question with quest in. It¼s interesting but sort
of irritates the ear somehow. Despite that though, this is pretty amazing for a 14 year old¼s work. That last line is
pretty amazing.
ecredes (2005-04-03 19:17:38)
only up to 5 comments...wow.
(2005-04-06 05:24:27) A message referring to many moons ago... Hail Kev-san from The Digital Darkness with a
Pound.
At least it¼s better than ”It was a kiss/A sweet moment/Pure simple bliss” ˆ ˆ :) + 19
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:30:05) Re: A message referring to many moons ago... Hail Kev-san from The Digital
Darkness with a Pound.
Whoa, Fernando! How are you, man? Freedom was totally a parody of rock operas. I promise. ...okay, it was sincere;
I admit it. A good idea by <a href=”http://www.livejournal.com/users/czircon”>xf</a> spoiled by me.
(2005-05-05 16:30:47) Re: A message referring to many moons ago... Hail Kev-san from The Digital Darkness with
a Pound.
to put it simply, I feel a strange combination of ”fucking awesome” and simply ”goddamnit.” The former mainly due
to things like having a steady girlfriend who loves crazy violent b-movies and having a new computer that doesn¼t
345
putter up and die running Adobe Premiere. The latter due to it being finals week, having a min-wage-slave job and
having stayed up until three in the morning editing on the aforementioned program. other than that, life is good.
[email protected]
coalproximity (2005-04-07 17:13:41)
It¼s a poem that sounds like 14. Like a fairly literate 14 year old, but like a 14 year old, nonetheless. A bit like
a modern-day very young, unpolished, ”Batter my heart, three-personed God;” sort of thing, with less violence, and
more of the wavery familiarness of adolescence. It¼s good that you wrote when you were 14 .. it¼s kind of cool that
you still have it .. good for nostalgia, not too good for introspection, though. What I mean is, I wouldn¼t take it too
seriously.
3.3.3
(2005-04-09 16:56)
Time for another existential bout. If you are happy in your life right now, for your own good,
please do not read this.
I am furious with the way life works in contemporary society. I am sick of this 21st century existence.
This satisfaction with immersion in bullshit materialism, propaganda, and routine. It is brainwashing. People are pulled over and sentenced for driving ten miles an hour too fast in their cars. How on earth can
people possibly rebel against a machine of this nature? Fucking structuralists who instead of advising people
to live in a certain way legislate their sense of morality to the point where it is impossible to break those
codes without being jailed. Oh, I can deal with occasional discomfort at things that I do, but what good
does non-conformity do you when you are sitting in a cell, isolated from others and unable to reach them?
Yeah, I should be content. I should be content living this way, because there are beautiful things in the
world. But are those things really enough to prevent my slow deterioration into an automaton? Even if I
try to rebel, because of the magnitude of the system, I am stuck within it. On an ideological level, I can’t
possibly write without conforming to the standard of this language, which has enough biases in and of itself.
I interpret my own words poorly. I need a flawless hermeneutic. I need truth so much, because its merits
have been preached to me through fucking cartoons and spankings. I am a perfectionist because I have been
told that there exists such a thing. But there is no such thing.
Of course, there are comforts provided by Western culture. They’ve been working at it for quite a while. So
it’s no surprise that occasionally I feel good about things. I can take solace in the beauty and the loveliness
of life. That is what poetry is about for me. And yet even through that there is the constant nagging of
things which are not portrayed in my poetry, things which Ginsberg railed against, things which Leary railed
against. Those who are truly great are not happy, yet I search for happiness. Sometimes I feel so close to
finding it. Sometimes I think I have found it, and yet it is miles and miles away from here, in a different
world, in one that is perhaps illusory. Chimera.
People are scorned for the most ridiculous things, and I have been one of the scorners, persecuting people for their defiance of the rules which I hold sacrosanct. Well my rules for living are bullshit too, since I
have been brainwashed by the television, the books I read, the people around me. My worship and glorification of the past keeps me from pressing on towards the future. That is why I have burned a book, despite my
hatred of that sort of behavior. That is why I can never stay in one place at one time and callously push aside
people who care for me and about me, which causes everyone more misery in the end. I am self-loathing,
because I have a reason to loath myself, this pitiful existence, a dead shrub that I go on trimming.
And people work so hard, which keeps me loving humanity. It’s what Buddha said. Even though their
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attempts at satisfaction are futile because of all the pain and suffering their desires inevitably result in, they
press on. But instead of Sisyphus seeming heroic to me, right now he just seems sad. Pushing the boulder
up the hill. Pushing the boulder up the hill. Pushing the boulder up the hill. Pushing the boulder up the
hill. Eventually I would want to become crushed by the boulder because of that existence. And I get bolder
and bolder in my statements without offering any sort of solutions other than ”break the pattern, break the
cycle.” Oh wow, never heard that one before. And even if the cycle would broken, what can I do? I can’t
make it any better with just my life, my limited manpower. 70 years compared to thousands of years of
manpower, pushing towards this happiness. So am I better off just giving in, tracing the steps of those before
me and learning to be content with sweet suburbia, Toyotas, and Babbitts? NO. I would rather destroy it,
leave a blight on it, be the scar that society just can’t scrub off in the shower. Sometimes that sick part of
me thinks that there would be more contentment ruining. But that’s not true either. I am never really true
with myself. I can’t let go of ”the fiery sadness called desire.” And I am sad and on fire because of it.
I get caught up in the most ridiculous thinking. My personal symbological system needs a total rehaul,
but that’s nothing new either. I work and work and work and try to content myself with a movie, a
videogame, something to take my mind off of the drudgery, the doldrums. I am so exhausted by my dead,
fucking shitty IT job that I can’t go out and culture jam or protest on the street. Maybe the secret is in
escape, fantasy. But if you try to live those fantasies, don’t they end up corrupted by reality again? Maybe
it’s better just to lose yourself in a different world, one where things are nicer, where there is no tragedy and
everyone dances around the Maypole every day. I just need virtual reality goggles and a different sense of
reality. But that is so sad, and I couldn’t possibly leave everyone that I love in the real world. And so I am
torn apart yet again, dissatisfied with my own attempted solution. Because always there is that struggle for
the unknown. And I couldn’t be happy if there was no longer an unknown, yet I would have reached the
top, the zenith of my existence. I depress myself.
Oh someone please tell me, how can I escape this? How can I gain significance, a real significance? It’s
probably impossible, but at this point, I would almost rather be tricked into a sense of it. I would feel better
that way. And it worries me that my instinct for survival is quickly withering away. This is all bullshit.
Manic depression sure is fun.
groupie supreme (2005-04-10 01:19:47)
I have created a new rule, which states that my few and far between comments must have absolutely no relevance to your actual post. With that said, look what the wonders of satellites and keyhole.com can do!
See my house, and my school: <img src=”http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v498/alisha levin/map1.bmp” />
<img src=”http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v498/alisha levin/school1.bmp” /> Okay, so you can¼t actually
see my house, but that¼s as a result of living in the middle of the deep dark forests of Mahopac and satellite
technology giving up on trying to distinguish my tree-colored house from its tree-colored surroundings. (Which, conveniently, are comprised mainly of trees.) And yes, the school is actually shaped like that; the architects were actually
on acid when they designed it– it was the sixties, after all. Okay, so no one knows that for sure, but what we do
know is that the state law that requires districts to hire the cheapest builders regardless of any other external factors
is stoo-pid. Oh, Kevin. You¼re not manic depressive. You just need to (and rest assured I am speaking entirely for
my own benefit here) talk to me, like, now. Ah, fuck– I can¼t even follow my own rules.
groupie supreme (2005-04-10 11:18:51)
Fine. This will be done via the Internet because even your adorable sister can¼t convince you to call me. How
can I gain significance, a real significance? Oh, fuck you. And fuck all of you who are searching for your ”significance.” Do you Ginsberg and Leary and all the rest of your little heroes were trying to become someone essential,
someone remembered? What they did was necessary for their survival, their core existence, not
so their words and ideas would be deemed important by anyone else other than themselves. They weren¼t searching
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for greatness, and they weren¼t searching for happiness either– they were searching for a way to explode into the
world because what they had inside them was something that no one else dared to express before them. And you¼ve
already done that, Kevin, and you¼ll do it again. You have to, just like they had to. But don¼t do it for any other
reason than that it feels necessary. Stop trying to be great and happy and perfect because you think it will make
you somebody. Remember the lines, Kevin? The pink ones, and the yellow ones– those are your significance. How
you affect people. How people affect you. It¼s one of the few things you can be sure of. If you cannot
find your significance in the people who surround you, then you have a stunningly pathetic line of vision. My advice
is, as it always is, get over yourself. You want to rebel against the machine? Well, the machine existed long before
you did, Kevin, and long before we all did. Our days, our calendar (which isn¼t some arbitrary human invention,
so stop thinking that), our very solar system is based on cycles of rotation and revolution. Our universe is based on
cycles of expanding and contracting. Even if we manage not to be ”slaves” to our system, we¼re still slaves to the
natural systems over which we have no control. We shouldn¼t expect to be anything else but an army of
drones led by Sisyphus himself. But if you want to ”break the cycle,” then fucking do it. Just don¼t expect to be
the catalyst for the revolt against capitalism and singlehandedly reverse the effects of the industrial revolution. Just
do it because it feels necessary.
otioselyyours (2005-04-10 17:33:22)
What she said. Verbatim. What I really have to know is, did you actually type ”pushing the boulder up the hill”
multiple times in a row, or did you copy and paste it?
yesthatems (2005-04-10 20:41:24)
Alisha, you are so fucking cool.
groupie supreme (2005-04-10 23:33:39)
Ems, it takes a lot of work.
yesthatems (2005-04-11 03:24:12)
I can only imagine. Some kind of government bureau should be established for keeping our Kevin in line.
groupie supreme (2005-04-11 21:46:06)
Absolutely. And then he can go and protest and culture jam against the enlargement of the bureaucracy– it¼ll
be fun! I have to admit, I really like the phrase ”culture jam.”
(2005-04-12 22:57:24)
I really appreciate this reply. Alisha, you have it exactly right. Amen.
yesthatems (2005-04-13 00:40:36)
It sounds like a sandwich spread. Like Marmite, but mixed with yogurt. Mmm...culture jam.
wake up donnie (2005-04-10 21:44:22)
but if you think about it, everything is narcisism. You don¼t have to yell at Kevin simply for stating the obvious.
Everyone wants to make a difference and that¼s only possible if you have enough drive and desire in your time to
actually go out there and try to get your voice heard. With Ginsberg and Leary, you¼re sorely mistaken if you
think that there wasn¼t any sort of drive for recognition behind their work. It¼s there in all of us. That¼s why
we put words down on paper or in little pixelated caption boxes; we all have an innate desire to be heard by someone
else. I do sort of agree with your advice though. The thing is, as long as we are constrained by systems and rules
beyond nature we¼re never gonna get anywhere. But yeah, start doing something Kevin. You¼ve been waiting
far too long to get your voice heard. That goes for the rest of you out there, too.
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groupie supreme (2005-04-10 23:30:44)
There is a vast difference between wanting significance and wanting to be heard. The person who wants only to be
heard does it because he knows something that he thinks other people should know also. What those other people
think of him is irrelevant. At least, it should be.
bleedingcherub (2005-04-14 04:35:50) Look, all of these commenters are thinking and real.
Perhaps he doesn¼t mean significance in the sense of fame or a spot in history textbooks (or even
idolization by thousands of young idealists rounding up batches of Merry Pranksters-to-be), but in the sense of
endurance, a ghost in his shell, something like that. As for you, Kevin– The system arose largely out of necessity/inevitability. I think that class separation is a result of basic psychology: people got scared and tried to assert
dominance, soon it was aristocracy, soon it was capitalism. America WAS the intellectual community breaking
out of the thick oppression. Someone has tried it, done it, seen it come around to square one. It isn¼t good or
bad that history is cyclical (<-cliche), it just IS. 1) You are not the first or the only. Sartre¼s Nausea.
2) You¼ve got to let the boulder go, man. Release the pain and suffering. Rise; be Buddhalike. 3) Yeah, Western
society and perhaps Earth is generally commercial and chock-full of persons that probably have a mean IQ much
lower than yours or mine. However, there are the pockets of beauty, and those who think like you do. The cuddle
parties? The twelve close friends in one room? The communes whose members shift like tetonic plates? You¼re
going to have to release a little of the disgust and frustration, at least long enough to realize that you aren¼t
living amidst robots. Most people feel things strongly at times, like you. They have dreams and daydreams. 4) I
sometimes plug myself into art/media looking for something fresher than life, but art reflects life. Someone already
said this... anyway, media is NOT how most people are. Forget television if you want to, lie on sidewalks if you
want to, listen to William Shatner¼s ”Common People” because I tell you to. :)
heathyrre (2005-04-10 04:53:44)
you never call me back.
miraminn (2005-04-10 04:56:35)
Thank you, Kevin...this post is a breath of fresh air. I¼m placated, at least for the time being, in knowing that my
obsessive dissatisfaction with the status quo and frustration at my seeming inability to alter it are not just facets of
my own personal craziness. I have been neurotically poring over many of the issues you mentioned here for the past
couple of days, and worked myself into a severe depressive spell; as it is, I often have to resist the need to explode
at total strangers, to break the pretense I see all around me, and demand answers to these and other questions. You
have significant inner strength to be able to stare these social constructs in the eye, to still feel the need to fight and
articulate the situation...and I admire that. This kind of contemplation routinely takes the wind out of me, and leaves
me stranded smack in the delicate balance between desire to live and desire to die, in the no-man¼s-land of complete
and total ennui. (Of course, I¼m crazy enough that this does not deter me in any way from pursuing the thoughts
to whatever ends I can manage.) How can I gain significance, a real significance? I wish I could tell you, but
I¼m out there looking for it myself. If I find any answer at all, I¼ll be sure to let you know.
bassist (2005-04-10 05:53:50)
The system is built in such a way that you can only change it or bring it down from the inside. It¼s defensive. It¼s
got walls with barbed wire. The only way to fight it is by attacking from within. If you don¼t like politics, get
elected and change them. If you don¼t like the military, work your way and change it. Sadly, it¼s the only way, for
no individual, country, or even alliance is strong enough to change the system drom without.
piratepyro (2005-04-10 06:41:37)
I really felt like I couldn¼t respond to this at all, and was sad, because while I don¼t even know you, I am still
addicted to reading every word you write in here. Who knows why. Anyway, then I read the bit about escaping into
fantasy and I said ”Well, hey, I know about that!” I just spent a long time writing a long comment, but realized it can
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be summed up fairly concisely. Fantasy only makes reality more stark, so you can never really escape it. Basically, it
just doesn¼t work. I know. I wish I knew enough to tell you something better than that but I don¼t/can¼t.
piratepyro (2005-04-12 21:29:17)
Oh my fucking God I¼m never leaving a comment on your journal again because mine are always so damn stupid.
drocko (2005-04-10 06:52:46)
I used to think that the world was a totally fucked up place and art was the only thing that made sense to combat the
system. I thought that art was and had always been the weapon to bring down authority. Then I realized it¼s quite
the opposite that is true. Art doesn¼t create any new ideas, it just reinforces ones that are already in place. Nearly
all art is sponsored by the wealthy and powerful people in the world. The top collectors of fine art in America are
insurance companies (I think Prudential is the largest collector in the world). We also live in a world of cool hunters
and appropriators. Everything that is done is instantly added to the machine. So what does it mean for us creators?
Well it means that its likely that everything we have ever done that has brought us to this point is something that
the system created for us. My entry point and original goal was the genius myth. Being insane and reclusive and
”touched” was my goal. Even know as I write this I can feel myself hoping it is true. But it does not exist. All of our
goals are virtual and all of our ideas are constructed by something else. So who or what is steering this? To believe
that their are magister ludi¼s running the show behind the scenes is just as foolish as believing in the genius myth.
There is nothing behind the curtain. Think about your feelings. The machine oppressing you, a brave lonely soldier
dead set on bringing the giant down. Sounds like every hollywood movie or every mythical story back to the dawn of
time. This is not to say that I think the situation is hopeless or that there is no chance for any of us. The problem is
in understanding what makes a life worthwhile. I don¼t know the answer. I do speculate though that we construct
our own realities based on the basic programming in our brains. This transcends all experiences whether they are
manufactured by a large corporation or by nature. This is why we have the same stories. This is why we add drama
to our lives. This is why every thinker thinks these thoughts at our age. Some move on, some don¼t (do not assume I
am making a value judgement here– I¼m not to say that one is better than the other). The four year begining of my
journey is coming to an end and I know less for sure now than I ever did. Being alive allows me to think and thinking
is important to me. Really thats all I know for sure. I don¼t think I can offer any advice to you. My significance
used to be in creating but now I have stepped back to creatings parent: thinking. Funny I should reach this point. I
am working on a diagram of this very idea. It¼s sort of localized in the visual art world right now but it could grow
to other things as well. I should share it with you.
satya 714 (2005-04-10 07:10:52)
My mind was seeking for exactly what you said. Thank you Kevin.
lostheaven (2005-04-10 08:18:22)
<a href=”http://www.imageshack.us”><img src=”http://img230.exs.cx/img230/673/emotwords4xa.gif” border=”0”
width=”46” alt=”Image Hosted by ImageShack.us” /></a>
abstractpianos (2005-04-10 19:26:20)
Kevin, I¼d like to discuss some of the things that you¼ve written, but I find LJ to be a poor place for it. Words on
a screen allow for a wide range of interpretations, and I¼d prefer if we had a conversation where we didn¼t interpret
things the most convenient way.
wake up donnie (2005-04-10 21:56:57) Utopia, Plato's Republic, and You
Okay first off ”Pushing the boulder up the hill. Pushing the boulder up the hill. Pushing the boulder up the hill.
Pushing the boulder up the hill. Eventually I would want to become crushed by the boulder because of that existence.
And I get bolder and bolder” Brilliant! Secondly, you have this incredible knack for saying everything you want to
say without saying anything at all. All of us feel this way. We all know that we feel this way. The question isn¼t
350
”How do you want to phrase it?” The question is how exactly do you intend to change it. Capturing all thought and
feeling is a good place to start if you want people to relate to you. Hell, that¼s all my book is; trying to get people
to sympathize with my situation even though I¼ve really got nothing to complain about or even say with it. But
Kevin, you¼re a better writer than me. It¼s obvious that people will sympathize with you. So so something with
that. You¼re far too content to be content, despite what your post may claim. Everyone is. That¼s why we don¼t
just pack up a few belongings and leave. You can have a bigger impact than you think. Just look at the most obvious
example. Everything in the western world is directly linked in some sad way to the Bible. And that is beyond shitty
writing with an infinite amount of plot holes and muddled concepts. Think of all that could be done with a better
staff of writers. So in summation, people already agree with you and me and everyone that reads these damn useless
online journals but nothing is ever going to change in reality until we start to apply our efforts in the real world.
yesthatems (2005-04-11 03:22:51)
Everything everyone else said. 42.
Burn in the fire, baby! This is the mystical side the Buddha never talked about, but if you read Ram Dass¼ ”Be Here
Now Be Now here” he¼ll teach you how to burn... The Buddha would tell you to stop pushing the boulder. Christ
would tell you to ”resist not him that is evil”, and I would tell you to indulge in the beauty you still know. Life is not
awful and one big conspiracy theory entrapment, I know this as true and you can put faith in me, if you so choose
to escape through the collective consciousness in this way. Don¼t feel bad about leaving behind those who aren¼t
ready for liberation. I think it¼s really weird [and I say this nonjudgementally, honestly] that all these people are
talking about how good your writing is [not to say that it isn¼t, but, um...]. Anyway, Kevin, you¼ve got the fires
of purification raging, so burn up this self that¼s depressed and plunge into the beauty that is all around. Awake.
hopper565 (2005-04-11 04:42:44)
Lawren, have you ever notice that the only unifying element in any kind of art is that it intoxicates the senses? You
should e-mail me whenever you feel like writing. Kevin, When I used to do debate my friends and I had a meeting
one day and decided that the word ¼significant¼ means precisely 20 % or more of the whole. Maybe if you help 20
% or the people you know with 20 % or their troubles you¼ll have made a significant difference.
Jeff: SO next to the reply link under your comment, there is a link that says ”Parent”..... I was thinking about
the senses today and how I am never sure if there is anything else....except awareness–yes!! Which is a part of
everything. Then I listened to this woman I see for energy stuff that Bobby recorded talking about Pure Awareness.
It was fresh. Kevin and Jeff: I have lots of new poems on napkins and in notebooks lost, but if you want me to
share...Jeff you said I should email you when I feel like writing but maybe you meant I should communicate when I
feel like communicating, I don¼t know. Kevin I remember you liked this one poem I wrote..I could send more :) I
am in a play tonight and tomorrow and sunday, guys, you should come to Naropa and see it. Byeeeeeeeee
pukegreenpoetry (2005-04-24 20:44:57) PS Jeff
Have you ever noticed that I¼m a kitten?
hopper565 (2005-04-25 04:44:18) Re: PS Jeff
I have on many occasions, and unbeknownst to you, noticed that you are literally and completely insane, but never
that you are a kitten.
ecredes (2005-04-11 07:09:27)
if i were you kevin...i would smoke a cigarette.
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airik (2005-04-11 10:22:01) Why not be immature?
if i were you kevin, i¼d make out with my myself, then market my sister on the internet.
cressidas love (2005-04-11 22:22:06)
I wish this many people paid attention to my posts..not that my posts are worth paying attention to.
ecredes (2005-04-12 03:33:01)
someone wishes to be you kevin.
cressidas love (2005-04-12 15:21:43)
No, I definitely don¼t wish to be him. I just wish people would comment to all my long ramblings.
daredevilninja (2005-04-12 21:07:07) i think everybody wants to be you
and now for the self serving advice that youll never take read look at the harlequins by nabokov watch wonder
showzen on mtv 2 its the best goddamned thing ever and it will make you laugh like an eight year old girl at a
slumber party and just take life like its a big joke and your the only one who knows the punchline also you can
come join aaron and me when we make our rpgs and do away with the with certain denver landmarks (shhh)
(2005-04-12 23:00:32)
Kevin, I think it is just fabulous, the way that you get people to think and think and THINK until their brains
hurt. That¼s why so many people keep coming back to read all the words you write. It¼s because you give them
something real to think about - you give them the opportunity to do something that society hates for them to do.
You are fighting back without even realising it, I think. Or if you do realise it, you do a very good job at hiding it.
wardenusa (2005-04-13 07:16:24)
Hey Yo, (because that¼s how anything important always starts off) I didn¼t read this post for a while because it
was long and I thought it was just another Keven got high and is writing poetry piece. Since it has some real thought
in it I¼ll give you some answears and unfortunitly for you probably more questions. I¼m going to put things pretty
simply, so if you need me to elaberate then just call me out and tell me what you need.Basically after I read your
tirade I thought it came down to one line: How can I gain significance, a real significance? The answear is not clear,
but it can be achieved. The first thing you need to do is decide if you really do want to be signifigant. Unless your an
idiot you should realize that becoming significant is a big thing and it will be life altering. The second question you
need to decide is why/how do you want to be significant. Many people see themselves as being significant by having
someone they love and possibly raising kids. I see myself being significant right now because I believe that by going
into law enforcment I will be able to put some BAD PEOPLE away and make it easier for people to live a life with
more security and safety. I¼m not sure what it is that you want to be ”significant” about but whatever it is I can
possibly help you figure out what it is that you can do. If the government is the change you want to see in the world
then you need to really figure out what it is that you want to change. I¼ll tell you right now that America is not the
place to be if you want to change a big social structure. Americans love thier freedom and love making money. They
love buying stuff they don¼t need and giving gifts to people who really don¼t need their charity. If you want to
live in a place that isn¼t like that it might be a good idea to go to a different country. I would like/love you to post
exactly what it is that you would like to be significant about and as long as it is a ”good” thing I would be more then
happy to help you. Now, if you want to do something stupid like overthrow the government or something like that
where I would view it as ”wrong” then I¼ll tell you I don¼t agree with you and leave it at that. I hope this makes
sense and if any of your little idiot friends on here who posted Bullshit comments after your entry don¼t like it then
I got two words for them: SUCK IT
digital angel85 (2005-04-18 20:29:01)
How can I gain significance, a real significance? There can be no significance in life if you choose to disregard
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God. Emily
(2005-04-23 19:10:25)
This is true too.
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:28:24)
Wow, I am a drama queen.
groupie supreme (2005-05-04 01:18:35)
I must have already told you about the dream I had in which you came here and turned out to be flamboyantly gay.
Moral of the story? If you¼re going to have to be any kind of queen, be a drama queen.
3.3.4
(2005-04-28 02:26)
This used to be a picture of Grimace the McDonald’s character saying, ”I BATHE IN THE BLOOD OF
THE INNOCENT!” before it was taken down by the folks over at Quazimodo & The Hunch.
I assure you, a picture truly is worth a thousand words.
wholesomedick (2005-04-28 09:32:18)
ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALDS!
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:12:43)
McDonald¼s is a place to rock. It is a restaurant where they buy food to eat. It is a good place to listen to the
music. People flock here to get down to the rock music.
wholesomedick (2005-05-02 17:45:01)
Thats hott. :)
yesthatems (2005-04-28 14:48:37)
Dear Kevin, Where have you been? Love, Ems
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:14:18)
This comment is totally obsolete, because I am really late responding to LJ comments. P.S. There was a comment
here asserting Ems¼ hatred of me & condemnation of my friends as assholes. I am a really lame censor!
lostheaven (2005-04-28 15:37:46)
Dear Kevin, How¼s Kristin? ;-) Love, Jared
abstractpianos (2005-04-28 17:08:15)
Dear Jared, I hope all of your comments begin taking this form. Love, Andrew
lostheaven (2005-04-29 00:05:37)
Dear Andrew, I believe I will keep this form of comments indefinitly. Or until its just notl funny anymore. Love,
Jared
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kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:15:25)
Jared, ... Love, Kevin
abstractpianos (2005-04-28 17:07:53)
This is a rather shocking post!!
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:17:26)
I was thinking about posting it in FYAD, but I decided this was better.
href=”http://home.att.net/ planetgarp/grimace.html”>Just the facts</a>.
Grimace seriously is evil.
<a
cressidas love (2005-04-28 17:35:13)
What ever happened to the music you were writing? I need to stop obsessively leaving comments in your journal.
wake up donnie (2005-04-28 19:43:18)
Yeah, whatever happened to the music we were gonna write you ”no calling me” bastard?
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:22:08)
I am really bad at communication with people I care about, as you have seen. Sorry... I¼ve been faced with
ridiculously little free time lately. Let¼s have a film binge or something really soon– I really need to see your latest
movie.
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:19:44)
Still working on lots of music right now... there are a few songs in the works, one a Psychedelic Furs ripoff with lots
of angst and misanthropy, another an electronic piece, & then something that I¼m really proud of. After I do some
more recording, I¼ll put something up. :) We haven¼t talked in a while either, since I haven¼t been online. I am
itching to talk about Nietzsche with you.
cressidas love (2005-05-02 20:36:03)
Well, I hope that you¼ll post it, because I would like to hear it. I¼m afraid you¼ve probably got a lot more
interesting insight than I do..about everything..but if you still wanna talk just IM me sometime.
mokeyonwheels (2005-04-28 18:48:01)
KevinCarter! Uh. Hey?
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:22:48)
Hey! We should have an in-depth Salinger chat soon. Like whoa.
wake up donnie (2005-04-28 20:22:21)
Don¼t know why I¼m posting this here but more people read your journal than anyone else I know.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/04/27/cartoon.controversy.ap/inde x.html
abstractpianos (2005-04-28 20:29:56)
Quote: ”¼I was thinking about doing [a protest] against homework,¼ he said.” Hahaha, I hope that one works!!!
zztknightt (2005-04-28 20:59:08)
ironically enough, i posted a link to that pic in an irc room a day or two ago. isn¼t it ironic? don¼t you think? a
little bit too ironic... p.s. you have a million lj friends.
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kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:27:09)
Where do you hang out on IRC these days? Also, I played through your 24hozzt Stupid RPG entry the other day. I
hereby retract anything negative I said about the series and hereby claim rights to all future Elixir fanfics. :)
zztknightt (2005-05-03 15:47:32)
lmao (i hate to use AOL lingo, but i had to!). thanks for the kind words! i was playing some old stupid rpg games
the other day, but i couldn¼t help thinking how stupid they are! ehr... though i guess that was the point,
according to the title. they kind of show how my brain worked when i was younger. ... illogical but, in an odd
way, occasionally humorous! by the way, i always thank you for your kind words on Elixir (although i lost it many
years ago) as well. i poured a lot of my heart into that... it was a time in which i felt the need for massive female
affection, and that¼s what came out of my mostly void/vacant skull! i know that my grammar/figurative-language
skills have always been subpar, but i hope the message i was trying to get across overcame that. deep down inside
of many of us, there¼s a tormented lovey person while the capability of inexplicable happiness. i plan on working
on a story called tales of an obese knight. ... it¼s about an obese knight. who saves the world. and it
was particularly influenced by the hitchhiker¼s series, which i¼ve finally gotten around to reading, some oldschool
games of mine, and my marvelously unconscious head chemicals. erp, sorry for rambling. i¼m on slashnet.org...
i think it¼s area51.slashnet.org, or irc.slashnet.org. #rawr, mostly. i¼m kind of bored lately because it¼s been
pretty empty as of late, and i have trouble relating to a lot of newer people. there are some okay conversations
sometimes, when i¼m chilling with evilmario and the topic of discussion isn¼t ¼furries¼ or ¼disgusting pictures
you have been tricked into visiting¼. i¼m kind of looking for other places to visit and split my time more efficiently.
hey, find masamune and we could have a party, while plotting the demise of flame games!
ubermensch (2005-04-28 21:22:12)
he would. he so would. did you get that copy of raberata?
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:25:22)
Yes, I did! Thank you so much for the book... I¼m about a hundred pages through and will send you money for it
after I break out of this impoverished state. The scope of the work is amazing so far– I¼ll try to comment in a more
intelligent way after I¼m finished, promise.
jokaswild (2005-04-28 23:07:09)
kevin...phone number...pronto
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:27:46)
(720) 261-2977. P.S. I do not hate you. Sip on some sizurp!!!
wandering binx (2005-04-29 06:53:38)
Awesome!!!!!
kevincarter (2005-05-02 08:27:57)
:)
3.3.5
(2005-04-29 03:10)
Every time that I try to write something in here, I end up both incommunicative & dramatic. This is not a
good combination for a journaller. Here is an attempt to actually put it down. So, it’s time for a...
LIST!!!!
355
+ Baby alligators eating marshmallows
+ Chaucer... Rabelais... Balzac. Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep!
+ More Thomas Dolby LPs than I can handle
+ Nick Twisp as an expatriate in France
+ Frequent Flyer sacrifices
+ Actually writing some shit.
+ ”Okay, what you’re going to want to do is make sure your receiver is turned on. Good, I’m glad I was able
to fix your problem.”
+ Diphenhydramine dreaming
+ Goldfish in heaven
+ Really getting off on studying the Qliphoth
+ Being really weird and liking it
+ Having really fucking amazing friends that I can’t possibly communicate with enough. (P.S. if you are
reading this, thank you for helping me through life. Seriously.)
++++++ A certain prehistoric reptilian of the Mahopacus genus
- Presence of injustice & strife in the world.
- No one to play Calvinball with right now
Clearly, the positives outweigh the negatives.
lightinjuly (2005-04-29 11:55:46)
I¼d play Calvinball with you
wake up donnie (2005-04-29 17:22:46)
me too, i¼d play it all night long ;)
zztknightt (2005-04-29 12:40:50)
”+ Having really fucking amazing friends that I can¼t possibly communicate with enough. (P.S. if you are reading
this, thank you for helping me through life. Seriously.)” :) :) :)
onewaystreet (2005-04-29 14:59:59)
loveloveloveyou kevin.
grey skye (2005-04-30 01:26:05)
Heeheehee yay Rabelais.
jokaswild (2005-04-30 12:46:50)
The positives DO outweigh the negatives indeed my friend. It¼s too bad you weren¼t referring to me when you
mentioned your friends though. :( Why do you hate me?
abstractpianos (2005-04-30 20:35:00)
I should really give up trying to decode LiveJournal entries. Nonetheless, I was able to find a fair amount of meaning
behind this list. :) I am glad that things are going well.
hopper565 (2005-05-10 06:32:54)
What do you think of this poem? http://www.gober.net/victorian/dover.html
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3.4
3.4.1
May
(2005-05-16 00:48)
I feel like living in a fantasy world until we can live in our reality.
3.4.2
Welcome to the atrocity exhibition. (2005-05-16 04:20)
Jesus, I don’t know why I feel like I can vent here and nowhere else, but that’s what’s happening right now.
I have a severe case of writer’s block, in that everything I write with a pen ends up crossed out because
it seems insignificant in the universal scope of things. (By the way, this is a really stupid way to write,
especially for someone who is obsessed with obscure indie artists, RBI Baseball, and Six Feet Under.)
But still, reading back through what I write is so depressing. It’s either meglalomaniacal, self-obsessed,
nit-picking, obscurantist, adjective-saturated drivel or even worse– poetry. Lately the idea of writing poetry,
despite past poets in the past who are entirely brilliant, seems so bloody pretentious that I can barely
contain the vomit in my stomach from creeping slowly up my esophagus. If something is poetry, it should
be proclaimed as poetry by the people who read it, not by the writer him-or-herself.
What seems even more ridiculous to me is someone who would major in Creative Writing and spend thousands
upon thousands of dollars developing a career trying to be a professional poet. I need to listen to Buddy
Glass and realize that being a poet should not be a vocation; it should be my escape from Buddy Glass.
Well, I listen to Buddy Glass too much anyway, letting my telephone ring when I want more than anything
to hear the person’s voice on the other end, hiding inside myself. Finally I am exploding– this is so necessary.
I am going to write and write and write and not care who reads. Here is what is going on: I do not know
myself, and I end up hurting other people as a result. I love too many things too intensely and hate too
many things too intensely and end up fucking my life up as a result. Causing pain to people that I truly love
and who have given me more than they ever should have seems to be my oh-so-sought-after life’s purpose
lately. SICKENING.
Not all is bad, but so much is looming over my head like some 17-ton anvil that I can’t control the vitriol that
spews from my mouth in order to exorcise these demons of exorcising demons and then trying to exorcise
gods, all while exercising to try to be the way I want to be for someone who is too good for me. I am
so scared. I am a bastard; I try not to see outside myself because when I do, I see an awkward, fawning,
wishy-washy pseudo-beatnik tech support guy who thinks he has all he needs and is lazy and uncaring.
I wish I could live only as a spirit, cast off this mortal coil but still be conscious. But I have not created
enough yet to live as one of the haunting ghosts I wish to be, an Ian Curtis crying out from beyond the grave
on some lonely teenager’s CD player.
ALL THE BODIES LINE UP IN FOUR LINES DANCING ON THE FLOOR.
The best part is that when I can really let myself go like this, I am never high. When I am, I feel too
self-conscious to actually express. I am constantly second-guessing how I would be acting if I wasn’t sober
or hopped up on some pseudoamphetamine that makes me feel nervous and definitely not ”chill” whenever I
swallow them down.
Jesus, I know this is not how people are supposed to operate, writing long, over-blown posts about the
miserable things in their lives, but I have to vent it, and it all seems false on paper. Somehow I guess I hope
someone can commiserate with some of my misery, which is why I bare it. What I want to be doing is baring
it all the time, all the fucking time, not sitting in some god-forsaken room 6 hours out of the day typing
”front panel reset. 119/19/87(g)” all day on a stupid computer, masturbating during fifteen minute breaks
and feeling filthy doing it.
357
Maybe the goal of all of this should be for me to become so disgruntled that I actually invent something that
makes everyone a lot fucking happier. Somehow, I think the world would be a lot better off if everyone was
100 % complacent instead of 90 % complacent. If people actually realized how amazing everything in the
world is, maybe we would take a break from it all and play a nice world-wide game of Yahtzee or something,
call off the wars for a little while.
I can’t afford to have secrets; I can’t afford to keep secrets from those who deserve to know them, but I
am afraid if I let my secrets go, they will be more destructive than they would be otherwise. If everyone
seriously knew the fucked up shit that goes on in my head, there would be more than a decision to ban me
in a Leopold Bloom-esque way. I am much worse than Bloom. Not only do I take Molly for granted, but I
smell the other girl’s perfume and pretend to like it more. Hell, I put the perfume on myself. But I guess
that’s the least of my troubles. When I think about letting that secret out, that one, it makes me feel even
sadder. ”Not only is this person a douche, but he’s so self-absorbed that they think people actually care if
he occasionally likes to indulge in something a little different.” Oh, I tried to speak the way they wanted me
to, and I even succeeded a little, but there’s still that little tongue slip over the teeth that tells a story no
one wanted me to tell. A story they wouldn’t allow me to tell.
Believe it or not, I really am starting to feel better. God, I haven’t written in so long. Not something
genuine, not something real, not something in which I speak through my fingertips what is actually going on
in my mind. No, it’s all about self-censoring. At least now I have a record of these feelings. I know that it’s
not some made up bullshit. I will be able to remember this years down the road.
I need to start living according to what’s true versus what I believe to be true. But I like pretty lies better.
I like Jesus prayers and ”haha fooled you revenge is mine” exorcisms. I love the contradictory nature of these
feelings, and I love thinking about the satisfaction that the ultimate act of aggression would bring me. I hate
thinking of the panic afterwards. As if I could actually do it. If I was told to put it down, I would, and I
would look at the floor a little bit more.
Wow, and then I put down more than I even thought that I would here. Here I am not a persona. Here the
id can manifest itself, and so can the superego. Speaking of the anti-devil Devil, I started again tonight, at
the most absurd time. I thought about how that pretty lie would make me feel better for once. It didn’t.
This isn’t going to end. Keep typing it out. Channel this energy into your insane girl in the novel. Do it.
3.4.3
Dream: 05/19/05 (2005-05-19 13:04)
Just woke up and had to write about it, because it was so fucking disturbing.
I was on a trip with my family, including my grandma (who has had recent cases of acute demential depression) and a few others. Initially, the dream was fairly normal– due to increased focus on my dreams lately
and exercises with lucid dreaming, I have been able to remember them more frequently. What happened
next made me never want to remember a dream again.
We seemed to have a tour guide on the trip, and she was walking with us around the area we were in.
Something that was said caused me to go into this heartfelt monologue to my dad about all the things I felt
about my current situation. Now that I am back in waking life, I can’t even remember the details of what
I said, but in the dream it felt extremely cathartic and sincere, and I thought I was able to impart what I
felt through words. After that, my dad (this really horrifying animus character in the dream) ignored what
I was just talking about and said something that was patronizing and attacking but seemed nice to everyone
else: ”Your mom and I are the only support group you have. Do you really want to lose that?” In response,
I verbally lashed out at him, telling him that my life felt like a tragedy. Afterwards, he said that it could
actually be like a tragedy, and he could systematically kill each of us if he wanted to.
358
Cut to me reading a tragic play with Agamemnon and Paracelsus (the 16th century alchemist). At the
moment the play ended, I began this horrible laughter at the thought of their downfall. When I realized my
mistake, I began praying ”Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.” I got as far as playing ”Lord Jesus
Christ–” and was stabbed by my father. I knew that my prayer was not heard, and I would spend eternity in
hell. Immediately after my death, all I could see in my field of vision was an image of a grotesque, laughing
Satan stabbing a prostrate Jesus in the heart. Then I woke up.
What a wacky subconscious I have!!!
3.4.4
(2005-05-29 20:48)
Is it possible to take yourself seriously while eating food? A closer examination:
Lately, most of my LiveJournal posts have been private. I have no desire to expose people to some parts of
my deranged psyche. I have thankfully had the day off, which has been essential for such tasks as reading
Nietzsche, watching School of Rock, and other such meaningful and fulfilling tasks. Working so much is
honestly going to turn me into a hedonist, which may very well be an improvement. Operating according to
the pleasure principle is far preferable to operating according to any Important Categorical Ethical System.
I have also been enjoying not being so goddamn hermetic. With current alchemical goals somewhat far
out of sight, I have sought spiritual fulfillment in far greater things, such as incredible conversations that
leave me feeling the ambience of Sam Beam’s ”Passing Afternoon.” There are also many, many important
things to come very soon. Anticipation of ten days in July that fill me with more hope and fear than I
have ever experienced. (The hope is obvious and encompasses everything I am reaching for, in the form of
a Brand New Colony; the fear is that I am vaguely interesting from afar, but will soon be chewed up, spit
out, and drowning in saliva on the pavement. This is worrisome.) There is Text Work to be done, music to
be recorded, and a panopticon to undermine. I am going to be busy.
There are also people who I have hurt in the past and want to apologize to, but they seem too many
to name. To anyone who is benevolent enough to offer total amnesty in exchange for total amnesty, this is
an open offer. Actually, I just need to give total amnesty for the sake of giving total amnesty.
I have been thinking about prodigies. So many of you know so much about this topic, because you are
one, in some or many areas. What do we do after we reach the point where the last generation stopped?
That’s a large element of my fascination with the last few decades. I am trying to pick the best out of
life in order to go beyond. That increases my dissatisfaction with things from the past, but while personal
satisfaction may be a goal that makes me less greedy, it is a goal that will eventually make me less motivated to struggle towards positive change. That’s one thing that Nietzsche really hits me with. Of course,
everyone likes to think of themselves as a member of the ubermensch. But it shouldn’t be this prestigious,
heroist sort of club, should it? Everyone should feel that longing to go beyond, to reject complacency and
fulfillment despite the benefits of those fruits. But that entails giving up desire, which is either the noblest
and most worthy task possible or the easiest way to rob yourself of the pleasures in life. More Buddhist and
anti-Buddhist reading needs to be done, and I have to consider my ”fulfillment of desire” philosophy, which
basically states that after your greatest fantasies are fulfilled and you realize it, you shouldn’t desire any
more. Yet the way modern society is run always not only encourages us, but forces us to strive for more.
The only way to live a desireless lifestyle is in a monastery, and don’t think that in my weaker (or stronger)
359
hours, I haven’t thought about that. Waker Glass’ life was always an intriguingly mysterious one to me, and
I always wondered if he was more able to attain spiritual growth than the rest of the family, being separated
and focused 24 hours a day on it. Tempting, so tempting. But I wouldn’t be content there either.
What do you want to talk about?
yesthatems (2005-05-30 03:33:46)
XxMS PaintxXxc0rexX!!! Did you know that the FDA does not classify white chocolate as a food?
bleedingcherub (2005-05-30 16:02:47)
Why?
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:36:16)
I wish Renaissance artists would have had access to MS Paint. Birth of venus.bmp. That¼s all I have to say.
coathangerwings (2005-05-30 03:45:30)
<a href=”http://cryingwhileeating.com”>crying while eating</a>. :)
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:36:58)
That is an awesome site.
ecredes (2005-05-30 04:02:36)
i love you so much.
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:37:28)
No, I love you so much.
wynand (2005-05-30 04:57:48)
Not sure what¼s left of human life when you take away desire
groupie supreme (2005-05-30 05:01:14)
Why confine to human life?
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:44:05)
The desire to maintain a desireless life? Okay, maybe Gautama wasn¼t onto anything after all. It seems as though
his Middle Path implies a lot of suffering-causing desire, like food, water, and the desire for nirvana. I¼m not sure
why I feel such a need to critique The Great Thoughts Of Great Historical Minds when they don¼t make any sense
to me in the first place. I have this terrible tendency to just believe anything an exalted orator has said in the past,
and it gets me into deep shit. P.S. The books are phenomenal. I¼ll send you an e-mail saying more.
groupie supreme (2005-05-30 05:02:36)
Well, can anyone attest to Kevin being at least vaguely interesting in close proximity?
bleedingcherub (2005-05-30 16:03:00)
The shirt makes it 5 times funnier.
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:47:59)
Thanks!
360
lostheaven (2005-05-30 17:06:29)
Dude, wasn¼t phil cool? We should hang out with him again and have more discussions on his psychotic homophobia.
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:45:51)
I was thinking about proposing marriage to him due to his coolness factor, but I think he might have taken it the
wrong way and slaughtered me.
cressidas love (2005-05-30 17:46:06)
which basically states that after your greatest fantasies are fulfilled and you realize it, you shouldn¼t desire any
more. That¼s a nice thought, but I don¼t think it¼s very realistic. We always think we¼ll be happy after we
get one more thing or achieve one more goal. In reality, after we¼ve achieved more we¼ll want and expect even more
than we did before. So I guess you could say desire grows with achieving desires, if that makes sense. I don¼t think
it¼s possible to overcome desire, even if you move to a monastery and focus on achieving enlightenment 24 hours a
day. If you say, as a human, that you have no desires, you¼re lying or in denial.
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:55:35)
That definitely makes sense. My issue isn¼t that I ought to have fewer desires; it¼s that I don¼t *deserve* to
desire anything greater than what I already have. Karmic laws seem really out of whack with my current life, because
I have it way better than I should. And I think you¼re even more right about that last part.
jokaswild (2005-05-31 02:39:40)
uh...Is this like that time you were Andy Stadler¼s debate prodigy in high school? If so then...yeah man...way deep.
hehe...I¼m dumb...daherrrr
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:50:39)
Time was short Like the dove who Drank far too much wine If you add in more about the Asian Yeti, I
think you¼d have an epic on your hands. :)
burningtyger (2005-05-31 02:46:18)
You never cease to amaze Kevin.... Are you ready to fulfill all of your desires? p.s. The comic was funny, it made me
laugh out loud even.
kevincarter (2005-06-05 10:51:32)
Am I ready? Definitely not. Am I desirous of that? Definitely. Sorry I have been so out of touch lately. Busybusybusy.
(2005-06-01 06:22:16)
thats a rad god speed ye black empoer! shirt. dave
3.5
3.5.1
June
Book quiz. (2005-06-05 05:27)
Tagged by [ LJ User: thedexter ]. Hopefully little posts like this will make me write more instead of feeling
like I have to create epic posts on here that encapsulate all of my life’s workings.
1. Total number of books I own: About 500. For the last three years or so, though, I have almost
361
stopped buying books altogether, thanks to the library and [1]Project Gutenberg. I guess that doesn’t count
the horrifying number of children’s books I read, which are now all stored in my mom’s classroom at her
school. [2]Matt Christopher (a.k.a. The Literary Whore of Babylon) 4-ever. I basically learned at an early
age that the world as I knew it was never going to satisfy my perfectionist tendencies, so I gravitated towards
a perfect world where everything was unspoiled and The Home Run Kid walked down the street with the
cutest and nicest girl in the neighborhood every day. If someone would have handed me Rabelais at an early
age, I think I would have been a lot better off. But instead, I was a cute little utopian, idealist 3rd grader!!!
2. Last books I bought: Petronius’ [3]Satyricon & Sartre’s What Is Literature?
3. Last books I read. Still Life With Woodpecker by Tom Robbins. Please read this book. It brought
me more laughter than I’ve experienced since the last George Carlin book, plus copious references to hard
drugs, Ralph Nader, erotic love, and Camel cigarettes! If that does not convince you to read it, you have no
soul. Honestly, Robbins is just plain fun to read, and he’s one of the finest craftsman that I’ve encountered
in a long time. He really reminded me of Vonnegut in a few places, which is by no means a bad thing. The
entire time I was reading it, instead of pouring through footnotes, I felt that it was someone who was trying
to make me feel better about my life by writing inventive fiction. And thus began my transformation from
plain outlaw to outlaw who knows about the secret of Junior’s Deli on Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn. Plus
I have my own little theory about the golden ball.
Also, just finished Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery. I refrain from commenting further on
the grounds that if I did, I would be called names such as ”wussy” and ”Sally,” which would shatter my frail
ego and leave me bawling in the ashes of my former life. (Actual commentary: Anne’s interior monologue
poured out into an exterior monologue was so fucking necessary for me at the time I was reading it. Her
self-conscious, vivacious rambling radically changed the way I thought about the unspoken thoughts of other
people. Avonlea itself is really small-scale, monotonous, and frankly disgusting, but seeing it through Anne’s
eyes somehow gives it beauty. Maybe I’m being hard on it, but eh. It’s really dumb that Gilbert didn’t get
a better role. The males in the novel seemed inconsequential and boring (especially Gilbert, who basically
served as a device to show that Anne was better than the boys– hopefully this is remedied later in the series),
although Matthew had a somewhat interesting supporting role when buying Anne’s dress for the concert.
All in all, I would give it a yea, possibly because of stupid nostalgic memories associated with the old Disney
movie.
Currently re-reading Joyce’s Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, while reading Kundera’s Unbearable
Lightness of Being, [ LJ User: wynand ]’s Grand Pantexticon and [ LJ User: ubermensch ]’s Raberata, among
various tech manuals, political primers, and secret notebook scribbles.
4. Five books that mean a lot to me: 22 Stories by Salinger, The Subterraneans by Kerouac, The
Laramie Projectby Moises Kaufman, Howl and Other Poems by Ginsberg, The Bell Jar by Plath.
5. Tag people: Tony Danza, you’re it!!!
1. http://www.gutenberg.org/
2. http://www.mattchristopher.com/
3. http://www.sacred-texts.com/cla/petro/satyr/
abstractpianos (2005-06-05 11:36:37)
does tony danza have an lj
362
kevincarter (2005-06-10 18:32:28)
He¼s too busy with prestigious roles like Mel Clark from Angels in the Outfield to have time for blogging!
groupie supreme (2005-06-05 12:17:58)
You¼re a big nerd and I love you. (It¼s 8:17 and I¼m still awake?!? Spite the gods!)
kevincarter (2005-06-10 18:37:41)
I can¼t believe the excitement of Mars-bound leprechauns didn¼t tire you out sooner. & I love you too, no matter
how many late night trepidations I go through.
yesthatems (2005-06-05 16:33:31)
Still Life is easily the best way to get into Robbins canon - I¼m sending you Cowgirls post-haste. (The one I borrowed
from Nathaniel¼s mom, much less. And she borrowed it from someone else. After you read it, you have to underline
your favorite bits and lend it to someone. Right.) Your perception of Gilbert is quite accurate, although I always did
have the hots for him. A bit.
kevincarter (2005-06-10 18:44:00)
I can¼t wait to read Cowgirls. Again, thank you so much for the recommendation of Woodpecker. It came
at a time that I needed it so much. How do you always know? One thing I really do like about Gilbert¼s character
is how malleable he is. He¼s one of those offstage characters that becomes better through imagining rather than
describing. At least that¼s what I¼d expect, for the novel¼s standard audience. (Read: not effeminate 19 year
old boys.) Tom Stoppard should write a play about him.
wist (2005-06-05 16:44:10)
My sister was born when I was 8 and going through my Anne of Green Gables phase, so when my parents let me pick
her middle name, it was obvious: Hattie Anne Stuckey Stein.
kevincarter (2005-06-10 18:47:16)
Whoa, that is really young for an Anne of Green Gables phase. But since you¼re reading Pynchon now, I
shouldn¼t really be surprised.
captainmplanet (2005-06-05 21:42:51)
I LOVE Anne of Green Gables. The ones that follow don¼t have quite the same charm, depth, and brilliance, but they come damn close, especially Anne of the Island and the final book, which I believe is called
Rilla of Ingleside and is just beautifully done.
kevincarter (2005-06-10 18:48:29)
I¼m going to be very careful never to call you Carrots.
wardenusa (2005-06-06 02:33:25)
I thought you and Tony broke up?!?
kevincarter (2005-06-10 18:49:33)
We decided to stay friends.
burningtyger (2005-06-06 02:33:43)
Yeah Still Life made me actually want to have sex with the girl, the way Robbins described her and the sex her and
Bernard had. I liked that book a lot, you should tell me your theory on the Golden Ball sometime, like in July, when
I am not in New York ok? :) I wish I was as well read as you are. But I¼m not...sad day
363
kevincarter (2005-06-10 18:51:40)
That was one of the most erotic sex scenes I have ever read. I will (finally) be in New York in July. But yes, after I
get back, definitely.
perennialgoat (2005-06-06 14:02:23)
some sketchy coker chick told me to read SLWW, i¼ve been trying to find it p.s. howl 4-eva
kevincarter (2005-06-10 19:17:15)
howl 4-eva Quoted for truth. The stuff you have been writing lately is amazing.
perennialgoat (2005-06-11 18:03:13)
thank you! i blame the ham-intensive diet.
panoptican (2005-06-06 14:05:49)
Still Life made me want to blow things up. Or go to jail so that I could read Still Life in prison.
kevincarter (2005-06-10 19:17:54)
Being an outlaw isn¼t just worth it... it¼s my aspiration.
fallen (2005-06-06 21:33:17)
just a little warning–or will this ruin it??–much to my dismay, the women, at least in the movie, never end up having
sex in ¼the unbearable lightness of being.¼ so if this is what you¼re waiting for, don¼t read it or watch the film.
heh heh heh.
kevincarter (2005-06-10 19:20:03)
The photography scene is as close as it gets? That¼s what I thought. Anything more (especially if Tomas knew
about it) would make him way too satisfied after what he had done to both of them. How are you, Stef?
wardenusa (2005-06-07 02:52:40)
by the way, I¼m making an effort to read all your posts from here on. Even though they are long I am commitied to
reading them!
cressidas love (2005-06-08 02:18:59)
I should start reading more like I used to. Too bad I¼m a fucking lazy bum. You ought to feel special that I comment
on nearly every one of your entries, and you don¼t even read my journal. I¼m not sure why that should make you
feel special, but I guess that means you¼re interesting.
kevincarter (2005-06-10 19:20:52)
At some point (probably the one you¼re at), there are no more interesting books out there. I do too read your
journal!!!
zztknightt (2005-06-13 0

kevincarter - Fiction Circus

Transcription

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