Confessions of a Broken Heart

Issue 13: April 6, 2012
Published in, by and for the Wyoming community
In this issue:
all the news fit for a pint
+A whole lot of Carrie Elkin.
+Andrew Parker makes a fart joke, laughs.
(Cricket noises ensue)
+Kevin Wrobetz’s demented doctor has
the last laugh.
+A panoply of poetry by Jon Larson, Jason
Clark, and Rowdy Rod.
+Our crazy editor rants about something
or another.
Photograph courtesy of Wiley
Confessions of a Broken Heart
The irst time I tried to commit suicide was
on a remote Natrona County road in 1964.
“The big dick” was drunk and was playing
chicken with other cars and running them
off the road. I cut off the blood low and dick
passed out and rolled his dads 46’ ford coupe.
He walked away unscathed.
I did everything I could to take “the big dick”
out over the years with multiple heart attacks,
usually on election years, but the body was
stronger than I was. He always had good tim-
ing and people would save him despite my
best efforts.
My biggest regret in life was when “the big
dick” shot his buddy, Harry Whittington, in
the face. It just caught me off guard. He was
having one of those Fred Sanford, god-helpme-I’m-coming-to-join-you-Elizabeth moments.
I was laughing so hard I just missed the opportunity until it was too late. Oh, the humanity.
After he became such a powerful Washington
igure, I didn’t have much of a chance since
he now had the best medical technology at his
continued on page 7
Humanity: Hands-Off or Hierarchies?
By Wiley
Humanity is a mixed bag, and on the whole,
we are neither good nor bad. Our capacity for
evil, however, is rarely more pronounced than
when we are given a measure of authority
over others. Whatever situational justiication
may exist for hierarchies, and no matter the
intention, it is inevitable that any one human
will fuck up when allowed to make decisions
on the behalf of others. Demonstrably, we can
barely make decisions on our own behalf, so it
seems naïve, at best, to expect anyone (even a
parent) to be capable of responsible guardianship when confronted with the very real dilemmas with which we are all too familiar. The
variables involved are simply too complex for
humans to handle.
This is not to say that people should not
have an implicit interest in the well-being of
others; on the contrary, I would be loath to
advocate a philosophy of supreme self-interest.
However, there is a very distinct separation
between voluntarily lending assistance to
another for their own good, and assuming a
paternalistic role in which one human is allowed to “manage” others’ affairs. This distinction is easily illustrated through a supericial
examination of common parenting practices:
some parents are the familial equivalent of
micro-managers, and their existence is not
one which I envy—the stress of attempting to
control the uncontrollable must be maddening.
The attitude of these people is probably not
deliberate; in fact, it is most likely ingrained
by constant exposure to the overwhelmingly
unavoidable ideology of management. In a consciously-structured society based upon stratiication, it should not be surprising that even
our most intimate relations exemplify a tacit
assumption of underlying oppressive inequity
of power—from the bizarre sexual practice of
sado-masochism with its underlying emphasis
on fetishizing domination, to classroom education which predisposes students to accept the
idea of a single overwhelming authority ruling
a community of approximate equals.
Page: 2
This is the basic tenet of my personal philosophy: people are not entirely rational, and for
that reason, cannot be trusted with any degree
of responsibility beyond their own personal
desires. This obviously does not preclude the
possibility of cooperative ventures, but our
elemental lack of reasoning should be the
primary concern when making choices likely
to affect even one other person. This is a very
basic adaptation of the skeptical scientiic philosophy to political affairs: in most cases, making an important decision will quite regularly
result in unintended negative consequences
for (almost) all parties involved. The demand
to “do something” in the face of adversity
often ignores the very real fact that, in many
instances, nothing can—or should—be done.
More importantly, the assumed necessity for
large-scale decisionmaking is often precipitated by previous faulty decisions, creating
a vicious cycle of ever-increasing complications. It is the rough socio-political equivalent
of attempting to cure a hangover with more
booze. For instance, the American Recovery
and Reinvestment Act and the Troubled Asset Relief Program, enacted in an environment of a ballooning and ongoing deicit-based
economic recession, was “hair of the dog” for
the ever-present inancial irresponsibility and
corruption that the US government continues
to embody (most recently, in the form of these
two huge handouts to corporate Amerikkka).
Read more at NewsfromNowhere.info
Are you afraid of your partner?
Does your partner make you feel worthless?
Has your partner shoved you, broken your belongings, or punched holes in your walls?
If these experiences are part of your life,
you are not alone, and help is available.
Contact SAFE Project’s 24-hour hotline at
1-800-230-3556 or 745-3556.
[email protected]
3 Months to Live: doctor prescribed, patient perplexed
by Kevin Wrobetz
A Call to Arms for Artists
News From Nowhere plans to publish a directory for right-brain stuff, but we need your help! We would
like this directory to be a one-stop shop for anyone wishing to book a band for a gig, a photographer for
pictures of that special little poodle, or a painter for commission work. This directory will be absolutely free
and gratis to any artist or musician who would like to take advantage of it.
If you are a graphic artist, a sculptor, a con artist, a trick shot artist, a photographer, a performance artist;
whether you work in 2-D, 3-D, 4-D or some Zen macro singularity dimension that only cats can see; if you
are a musician playing any instrument from a list too long to mention here. . . Then, if you are prepared to
drink the Kool-Aid with us and get your name out there, please take advantage of this offer. E-mail your
contact information, a brief description of what you do (paint, take photos, sculpt, play and sing, etc.) and,
if you’d like, where you have shown your work or performed in the past to [email protected].
We plan to update this directory periodically, so take advantage now to get maximum public exposure!
Preserving your precious moments at affordable prices!
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Prefer snail mail? Mail any material to PO Box 103, Laramie WY 82073
Regrets
Jon Larson
A rainbow of markers spilled on the loor
Finders Keepers I say as they become mine
She stands before the teacher with an empty bag
That once held her markers but now only catches her tears
I smother my shame under a blanket of greed
Stop Talking I yell, Stop laughing I scream as I kick the bed
I have to sleep, I have to work tomorrow, You’re keeping me up
Angrier words escape and ly around the room, chasing the things I have thrown
Two girls huddle together, No longer laughing but crying
Trying to hide from this monster they sometimes call Father
Driving angry I lay on the horn, pulling alongside to yell at the idiot
An old woman driving, illing the car with her tears
Oh please look at me, so I can say I’m sorry
But she drives on, still weeping
Her tears melt my anger, leaving only shame and regret
And the night draws on, too terriied to sleep, afraid of this thing I once was
Afraid it will come back and consume me again
The world grows heavier tonight, my shoulders ache from the weight of it
And still they come
Sleep is but a distant dream
And still they come
Upcoming Events from Studio WYO
Presents:
April 19th: 7PM Catch Bees @ The Gardens
Pure Pigment Pastel Artists,
Gail Watford &
Vanda Edington
Show  March 24 th to April 14 th, 2012
Demonstration Saturday March 24 th, 2 to 4 PM
Meet the artists and get hands on experiencewith pastel.
Laramie Plains Civic Center , Suite 271
710 Garfield St.

Laramie, Wyoming
Phone 307.742.6574
www.gailwatford.com
vandaedington.blogspot.com
Got questions, comments, suggestions, or tips? Email us at [email protected]!
WY MAP It
GIS, Graphics, and Photography
GIS:
maps, field data collection,
database design
Robert Kirkwood Graphics and Photography:
307-399-8094
weddings, logos,
[email protected] landscapes, digital art
EXERCISE YOUR RIGHTS!
If a law enforcement oficer seeks
to question you or search you, your
home, or your vehicle, BEFORE ANSWERING OR PERMITTING A SEARCH,
READ to them the following:
“I will not answer any questions without
an attorney.”
“I will not perform any tests without
an attorney.”
“I will not consent to any search of me,
my house or my vehicle without
a warrant.”
“I will not waive any of my
constitutional rights.”
“May I please leave now?”
(Remember, there is no substitute for
case-speciic professional legal advice
by an attorney)
Legal tips courtesy of
Combs Law Ofice
318 7th St.
Evanston, WY 82930
(307) 789-7003
www.laramiecoop.com
Open 7 Days
a week!
Located at
119 S. 1st
Street
You do not
have to be a
member to
shop here!
(307) 7453586
Jailbait
By Rowdy Rod Miller
I hate to admit it but
my ribcage isn’t up to the task
every time my heart swells like this
testing the limits of its incarceration
the insistent pressure
seems to reveal weaknesses
in the ligature
design laws in the bone, and
the inevitable outburst leaves
a tattered rictus of skin surrounding
humiliated skeletal guards who
blame each other for
the blood on the walls,
the viscera on the loor, and
that poor, innocent girl.
She was just bringing fresh lowers
and keeping her eyes coyly down.
But now we dodge from state to state
one step ahead of the law
and she bathes in
anonymous rivers in unmapped country
and adjusts to
the fugitive life.
Be Vocal: Keep It Local
Perhaps you’re a regular reader. Perhaps this is the irst time you’ve taken a look at this publication. Regardless of your readership status, we’d like to welcome you into the fold with a short
explanation of our angle. If we were a heartless bureaucracy, we might propose (in all-too-common
jargon) a “mission statement.” Fortunately, we aren’t on any sort of mission, so we’ll just call this
“a little bit of background.”
News From Nowhere is a community publication, in every conceivable aspect. Hence why our
banner says “published in, by and for the Wyoming community.” All of our writers are Wyoming
natives. All of our advertisers are locally-owned businesses. Our paper is printed at Digital Blues,
a local print shop. All of our distribution locations (aside from some charitable institutions like
the Salvation Army) are locally-owned businesses. Not to belabor the point, but we kinda like the
community.
More to the point, we think you should like the community, too. In a time of unprecedented centralization—in government, business, and media—we think that the counterweight to the many
and multifaceted monopolies that dominate our lives is obvious: community. This is not a “liberal”
or a “conservative” premise. Rather, it is an ideal that was near-universal in our country as recently as the beginning of the 20th century. In Wyoming, where we still pay homage to the 19thcentury concept of a cowboy—and no, it is not embodied in our ludicrously-legislated “Cowboy
Code,” written by a Wall Street investor—it would seem the community approach should it quite
aptly. We hope you will agree.
Importantly, though our paper might be an “alternative” publication, we reject cliché labels
such as “counterculture,” “underground,” or “radical,” unless allowing people to exercise their irst
amendment rights is “radical.” Our paper is distributed above-ground in legitimate places of business, and we are no more radical than the variety of people who choose to submit their work for
your consideration. We have an open submissions policy, meaning we reject nothing, and accept
everything.
What does this mean for you? If you don’t like what our contributors have to say, you have the
power to become a contributor yourself, to change the look and feel of NFN. So please, throw your
own voice in with the chorus, and help us make this paper truly relective of the community that
spawned it. Our prime directive is to give voice to those who want to be heard, and we can only
hope that the example of our previous community contributors will inspire others to do the same.
While our paper does have a number of regular contributors (for which we are thankful), we at
NFN believe that variety is the spice of life, and as such, actively encourage/harass our fellow
Wyomingites to submit their work to our paper. That means you, your family, and your friends. So
spread the word, and let’s see what happens with this little social experiment of ours.
307-745-800 www.LaramiePlainsCivicCenter.org
http://www.ticketfly.com/venue/3113
Select Tickets available at:
Turtle Rock , Sweet Melissa’s,
The Pedal House, Night
Heron Book Store, Grand
Newsstand & Coal Creek
Call or visit our websites for
more upcoming shows!
Page: 6
LPCC presents:
The Stereofidelics
Bookly
Sat 4/07 7:30pm
$5-$10
Because Someone
Has to Do the
Impossiple
Jon Rotellini
Thu 4/12 7:pm
$9.50
LPCC presents:
Screen Door Porch
RatTrapper
Sat 4/13 7:30pm
$10
Office
Hours:
M-F
8am-5pm
Heart, continued from page 1
ingertips. I mean really, the millions of dollars spent to keep this prick alive are hard to
imagine.
Before he got the external deibrillator I
thought I might have one more chance, but
they inally found a way to permanently bypass me. The doctors rendered me useless,
circulating his blood for 15 months without a
heartbeat. I sat in the jail of his ribcage, freezing cold, being punished for more than a year
with the other organs mocking and torturing
me. The lungs loved to waterboard me, using the kidneys and the bladder to force urine
through me to try to make me admit to trying
to kill the vice president. I did inally admit to
these acts, but they would just giggle and force
more urine through to choke me out.
I will never forget when I saw the doctors
for the last time, as they opened the chest
cavity preparing “the big dick” for the heart
transplant. As the intense light of the operating room penetrated the “dark side,” I was
inally allowed to go toward the light. A warm
glow washed over me as the scalpel severed
the arteries and dislodged me from the death
star. Angelic harp music and cherubic singing followed me into the silver receptacle that
became my home for the next few hours.
Having been unemployed for the past ifteen
months, the doctors were labbergasted as I
was resurrected and began to throb intensely.
The team of surgeons all stopped and watched
as I lopped happily in the bowl for the irst
time in my life.
The operation continued, connecting “the big
dick’s” new heart while I looked on with happiness for the irst time in my tortured life. I
knew that the medical incinerator would probably be my inal resting place, so I decided to
make a run for it.
I jumped out of the bowl and slithered my
way out of the hospital and into the street,
where I smelled the sweet air of freedom for
the irst time. The next few days were a blur
as I made my way back to Wyoming where I
knew I wanted to spend rest of my existence.
I found my way to a spot near Laramie where I
could see for a hundred miles in any direction
and where I could be close to my favorite place
in the world, Vedauwoo. Here at the old Sherman cemetery is where I will spend my afterlife. The big dick will never ind me here and
I will ind the happiness in death that I never
knew in life.
God bless Wyoming and keep her wild.
Are you a starving artist?
Show us why you’re so skinny!
Send your work to:
[email protected]
Join the
National Academy of Doomsday Weapons
and Fissile Materials
for our third Symposium:
The Russian Deadhand: Doomsday Weapon
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Refreshments Served.
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Page: 7
Eat Your Veggies!
Sweet Melissa Café
213 S. 1st Street
Laramie, Wyo
The Great Changes
by Jason Clark
How about a little praise and laughter
For ire’s fact and sour hefts of smoke?
A heathen, breathing. But. This is after
We have given knee-bent prayers, choke,
To watch the wood give way from tree
Limb, how true a term, and seen the feed
Of heat inside the hardened lesh. See
This lisping crack of thought? And to read
The consciousness of being real get named.
The point? My dear, so hard and soft,
For sometimes philosophicals are lamed:
They start out as something pitched aloft
310 S. 5th St.
Then fall as timber into grounded ash.
And life, so leshy, leaves as quick—a dash.
So if I bring back the dead in memory
Will despair become no part of me?
Does digging down to grip the earth, so moist,
Relieve me, ind me, give a creaky hoist
Of death from out the ground to which they go
And lift the teeming, sprouting stuff, heave-ho,
Into my smoke-drenched mouth? I gorge my face
207 S. 1st Street, Laramie WY 82070 (307)742-5533
FINE DINING
IN THE SNOWY RANGE
THE TRADING POST
DINNER HOUSE & SALOON
LIVE MUSIC SATURDAYS
In soil. Breath the mold. Unfeel this place
Of Life, the garden that I’ll call a longing,
This trap, an in-between a birth and dying.
Return my ones? My rested, wrinkled gone?
Or me to them?, as though I were old Charon,
The reverent river-crosser stroking slowly.
For I am sad, and down, alive, and lonely.
CENTENNIAL, WYOMING
2755 HWY 130 307-721-5074
Page: 8
Interested in distributing News From Nowhere? Email us at [email protected]!
COWBOYS & DINOSAURS
by Andrew Parker
Thats
smelly.
What?
PHBBBBT!
Folk singer Carrie Elkin to play beneit concert in Laramie
Carrie Elkin, a critically acclaimed singer-songwriter from Austin, TX will be giving a solo concert performance on April 20th at the Laramie Plains Civic Center to beneit Laramie Montessori School. Elkin’s music blends poetic lyrics with a gritty folk/ Americana sound, delivered with
a voice that is sometimes stunningly powerful and other times sweetly soulful. Elkin is gaining
a signiicant following both in the United States and abroad. In addition to her steady touring schedule, she has played at festivals including Lilith Fair, South by Southwest, and Falcon
Ridge. Leah Burgess of Laramie Montessori Community Organization says, “We are thrilled to
be able to bring a talent like Carrie Elkin to Laramie. I have seen her perform several times and
she is just outstanding. It is an honor that she
is performing this show as a beneit to Laramie Montessori School.”
About the making of her most recently released album, ‘Call it My Garden’, Elkin
says, “My music is my family, my home, my
garden…. My folk ‘family’ is what keeps me
MAKING SOMEONE’S DAY, EVERY DAY!
going, and there’s nothing like making music
with the people you love. There was a beautiConsignments: Sat., Mon., Tues.
ful mix of professionalism and ridiculousness”.
Open Monday-Saturday, 10-6
concluded on SIDEWAYS
Visit our facebook page!
The Friendly Store and Motel
The Buckhorn Bar...
open mic acoustic music,
drink specials,
bullet holes.
Nuff said
Centennial, WY (307) 742-6033
114 E. Ivinson St
Page: 9
Save the Date! 4th Local Food Gathering
Saturday, April 14th from 12-5pm at Whiting School (24th
and Sheridan). Sessions in four tracks: local food production, current issues in local food, home production, and cooking. Keynote on Farm to School.Also, drop off your soil sample and we’ll arrange for it to be tested.The LFG is $5 at the
door($3 for seniors and free for students). Register now for
a special soils workshop on testing soil, reading test results,
and building healthy soil from 10-11am. The cost is $10 and
includes entry to the Local Food Gathering. Register at
http://soilworkshop.eventbrite.com/ Program details will be
at http://laramielocalfood.webs.com/
July 27-28 ?
Bear Trap Cafe and Bar
! Riverside, Wyoming
continued from 9
WHATFEST
2012
Shane Milner
informing you that he is a
Graphic Designer
for a sample of his portfolio see
The Layout of this Paper
contact him at
[email protected]
shows/events/whatnot
this is an advertisement for
SIDEWAYS
Critics have touted Carrie as an up and coming artist who delivers a unique blend of earthy
poetry, exquisite vocals and striking musicianship. Maverick Magazine states: “I have never
seen a performer so in love with the act of singing. That’s the gospel truth, and from what
I’ve subsequently learned I’m not the only one to believe or state that. Onstage Elkin was
simply a force of nature….” BBC Radio likens her sound to Patty Grifin, Nanci Grifith and
Iris DeMent “....spellbinding from the opening track”.
The performance will take place April 20th, 2012 at the Laramie Plains Civic Center’s Gryphon Theatre. Elkin will also play a live studio session on Wyoming Public Media’s morning
music on the day of the show. The evening event will begin with a social hour at 6:30 where
folks can enjoy drinks and socializing and have the opportunity to enter one of many rafle
drawings to occur that evening. The show will begin at 7:30. Tickets are $14 for students,
senior citizens, and military personnel, and $18 general admission. Tickets may be purchased
in advance through www.ticketly.com, at Big Hollow Food Coop, Night Heron Books, and
other locations where Laramie Plains Civic Center events are promoted. Proceeds will beneit
Laramie Montessori School.
WHATfest is free for
all and offers free
camping as well.
The WHATfest is as
grassroots as it gets!
What are you
bringing to the
WHAT?!
see you nowhere
NewsfromNowhere.info
Photograph courtesy of Tim Chesnut
Motley Fool, continued from 11
Locally
roasted
coffee
All-natural
bakery
Impeccable
tea
Two
stories of
books!
What more could you want?
Located in Cheyenne.
Best record store North of Denver.
Open 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. every day
Page: 11