Aman Cara Pictures

O GDEN P ORTER B ROWN A LE A
heavy, rich-aromed beer that
accompanies most steak dishes,
and works as an accompaniment to
okra or patapan squash, and when
poured over Rice Krispies, makes
the sounds “Snap, Krackle, Burp.”
C. 9
T ABLE S AUTERNE A jammy sauterne
with complex velvet overtones and
an aroma reminiscent of wet dog
hair, it works well as a desert wine,
accompaning Sahara palms or Gobi
mud pies.
A. 16
C HATEAU S T . S ANFORD R IPPLE A
thin, bright blend of merlot and
cabaret grapes that enriches any
creamy, full-flavored dish,
especially Indian cuisine, such as
Goat Kebobs.
WELCH ’ S M ERLOT L ITE The first
adult “grape juice” from America’s
premier grape juice manufacturer. It
goes with Twinkies and Pringles,
and comes with a free mask to
prevent embarrasment. Note: this
wine does not age.
B. 1
D. 18
K REINDURERBRAU Winner of the
American Kennel Club’s Best
Pedigree award, this rich amber ale
has a faint huckleberry aroma, and
provides a suitable compliment for
franks and beans. (“Hey baby, nice
frank…oh dear God no!”)
D ANDELION S TINGER Not technically
a wine, a dandelion stinger with its
bitter, astringent taste will pretty
much interfere with anything you
eat. So don’t get it.
G. 19
E. 2
C HÉ C AFÉ R OSÉ F UMÉ This white
wine from Monterrey, California
combines traces of peaches, pears,
and parsley to provide an exquisite
concoction with accents as subtle
as a brick to the face.
J ILL H ENNESSEY C REAM A LE A
frothy, rich ale bearing the name of
the Crossing Jordan star. It’s malty,
almost milk-like texture creates a
limo-like vehicle for celebrity
entrées such as the Alyson
Hannigan Stew, Bruce Jenner Pork
Chops, and Mary-Kate Olson Single
Cracker and Cocaine.
F. 25
H. 20
Q UASI G RUFF B ITTER QGB, as its
known to its one fan, pinches, nay,
noogies the palate with a ferocity
found typically in the African
savannah. It’s aggressive bouquet
helps pummel into submission
dishes such as liver in garlic and
bluefish tartare.
L UST P OTION N O . 69 This
legendary wine has absolutely no
aphrodisiacal effects, but does go
well with most oysters as well as
such sensual entrées as quail puffs
and Bambi casserole.
K. 5
I. 25
S IAMESE C OCKTAILS A blend of
vodka, vermouth, and crème de
cassis joined at the garnish; try
these with buffalo wings or caviar.
R IOJA G RANDE A thick, nearly black
viscuous wine that’ll put out any
fire in your stomach, and works
well as an enabler of chili poblado,
seal habanero, and other spicy
dishes.
J. 12
L. 19
B RATWURST Trust me, you don’t
want to know how this is made, and
you especially don’t want to know
how many miscellaneous vermin
can be found not escaping the
bratwurst factory.
+3
P OIRE VERTE AVEC LETTRES
This fruit
dish is an excellent appetizer before
a night of debauchery, as it’s high
content of pseudophospates will
buffer your body against the ill
effects of peyote and PCP.
-15
B LEACHED B LUEBERRIES WITH
S PONGEBOB B RULÉE As a desert,
blueberries work well to satisfy
groups, as this easily shared desert
promotes togetherness and
communicable hand diseases.
D ATES AND B ANANAS Although
usually these two fruits don’t go
together, they can be combined to
provide a powerful sealant that can
seal up large cracks and also
exfoliate skin.
+1
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D ICED V ENISON WITH S QUISHY P EAS
This dish originated in the south of
England during the early 1100s
when it was published in Martin
Luther’s 95 Recipes To Anger the
Church. Other recipes includes
Twice-Banged Wheat and PitRoasted Lizard.
C REPES B OURREES Light fluffy
crepes with a dollop of whipped
cream, served with a slice of
smeared beefsteak tomatoes.
-18
+1
-14
V ENEZUELAN B EAVER C HEESE After
the Monty Python skit that made
this fake cheese popular,
Venezuelan officials because
farming beavers for their milk and
in 1983, produced VBC, a mild
cheese with an odor that could kill a
mule.
C HICAGO N O -C ARB P RETZEL Thanks
to the wonderful carb substitute
from Heliburton Chemical Weapon
Technologies, its now possible to
enjoy the great taste of a pretzel
without any of that pesky food
getting in the way.
-6
L AGOSTA H OHEN A 3.5 pound
lobster smashed against a plate and
spread out in a corpselike fashion,
surrounded with police tape. Finer
restaurants will provide finger
bowls to help wipe up the
fingerprint powder that inevitably
builds up while eating this dish.
E ASTER E GGS A U P OIVRE These
fine-colored eggs have been
refrigerated for three years,
auctioned off at Sotheby’s, lost in
the mail, then arranged delicately
around a small mandolin.
-4
-21
+8
O UT -OF -F OCUS T ROPICAL S ALAD
This combination of mango (or is
that quince?), cherries (or is that
star fruit?), and oranges (or are
those concord grapes?) will be sure
to give the stomach a friendly
backrub before kicking it and
stealing its lunch money.
R ED T RAY S URPRISE What’s under
the lid? Is it a fine cut of filet
mignon cooked medium rare, or is
it a rare yellowfin tuna served with
wasabi? Probably neither. It’s
probably just a sandwich, but that’s
okay, cuz that’s all I really need
right now.
-5