MEDICAL COLLEGE MOVING TO VIDALIA

Non-11/egitimus Carborundum
Volume 12, Number 45
Ta king our best pony and riding into our worst fear.
April 1996
MEDICAL COLLEGE
MOVING TO VIDALIA
Panel Declare Fruits of Augusta Too Tempting To Students
A panel of MCG officials met earlier this week to discuss alternative locations for the
Medical College, declaring Augusta an unfit environment for a successful medical
education. The alternate locale? Vidalia! Extensive research revealed Vid~lia as one
of three possible Georgia metropoles offering fewer distractions to students than
Augusta, the other two being rest stops on 1-20.
Panel discussions targeted the robust Augusta nightlife as the primary evil that renders
Augusta unacceptable as a scholastic environment. One MCG professor and Biblical
scholar noted, "These sleazy night-Club owners are the proverbial Davids hurling their
stones of corruption at the would-be medical giants causing their oft-fatal epidural
hematomas." No one knew what that meant, but it sounds pretty bad. However, this
reporter was a touch skeptical of these allegations, so, with great hesitancy, I decided
to do a little investigative reporting and visit a few of these so-called watering holes.
Here's what I discovered:
I ) The Soul Bar - Word on the street was that this was the straw that broke the Llama's
back. This night-club owner shows no consideration for the male medical student by
allowing an estimated one female in for every eight males. Certainly no serious
studying can be accomplished with that kind ofratio available.
2) Boll Weevil - They should rename this "House of the Siren". The waitresses here
have ten fingers (each), legs the same length, and most have a full head of teeth.
Although all desirable traits, the ownership has apparently stepped in and reduced their
shower privileges to once a week in an attempt to repel the students toward campus.
3) The Dugout - Luckily I was able to investigate this sports bar (thankfully, the only
one in Augusta) before it closed doWll. This place was a potential disaster- they had
cheap beer, cheap food, and an estimated 78 televisions. Luckily, they only showed
football, baseball, and basketball. Had they tuned into that elusive ESPN 3 and picked
up the tractor-pulls, moto-cross, and the .60-year-old-and-over clogging championships
this could have been Augusta's greatest demon.
4) Rio Bravo - Although not open yet, this has disaster written all over it. The scoop .
around campus is that they plan to lure females here with a frosty temptation called a
"Frozen Marg". Let's just hope the move is made before the fires in this pit are stoked.
The next issue' addressed at the panel meeting was the touchy subject of local girls
honing in on the seemingly defenseless medical students, tearing them from their
studies. Apparently, this problem has spread into neighboring pools offantasy females
such as Martinez, Evans, and Fort Gordon. One elderly spokesperson for the panel
declared, "What kind of foul temptress runs about campus in her grippy exercise
bloomers sending all these fine boys running for the showers?" Few knew what this
meant, but it also sounds pretty bad. When you mix the Augusta College co-eds into
the equation, Vidalia seems the only logical answer.
South Carolina.has been a contentious subject for years. To conjure up in the minds of
our med students the images of exotic tropical women, you merely need utter the words
"Beech Island". Of course, "$1.99/night, $7.99 for the VCR" will work just as well.
After the administration failed to win approval for a razor wire barricade around
campus, it initiated a lengthy political battle to destroy the 15th street bridge. ·Now,
rumor has it Dr. Tabasco is petitioning the Corp of Engineers to widen the Savannah,
using harsh words like effluvium and boils . .
One final point the paqel addressed worth mentioning is the very beauty of Augusta
itself. How can a student learn to appreciate his goals housed in a pa!acial hall like
Residence III? Let these students reside in a Vidalia barn loft and witness some of the
less-fortunates tending to the white pearls and they will understand what they had in
running water, pink bathroom tile and railroad 'symphony. The next thing you know,
these cretins we call students will dema..-id freshly-paved roads, El-Camino sales will
plummet, and all will be wrong in the fair city of Augusta.
Is Vidalia the answer? I'm afraid only time will tell us that. Corruption is everywhere.
Just last week a Vidalia High School senior was sent hm:ne after rudely advising his
cohorts to "check out the set of onions on the new substitute teacher." Who knows
what temptations Vidalia holds for these students.
Incidentally, the Dental School will remain here in Augusta due to these students'
apparent lack of interest in the afore-mentioned temptations.
W-mnuOf:
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•But Dastrts in Augusta" Award
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Noi~JJ.e more lostlife. ~ot one IJlOit grif!viogf.unily. Not .o~e m~t.e·
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~ --·
Chicken Physics
Institute for Molecules, Medicine and Gelatin, MCG
Dr..S. Ramsmuffins, Director,IjMMAG
THE CADAVER IS AN MCG STUDENT PUBLICATION
Published in Comer but written in bars across the CSRA
1995-96 EDITORIAL STAPH (Hey! We're just folks ...
folks with chainsaws and prescription drugs.)
Stephen Feren: S "pestis" Feren saying adios to the big chair. Hanging up my pen for
something cold and filled with beer.
Sean Lynch: Advertising Manager, serving his turn as our voice-of-reason
Todd Kelly: Procures Twinkies, Pepsi-Free, and money for the. Staph
Bob Titelman: Free-lance writer. Has be~n occasionally spotted on Laney Walker. If
found, please return him to the hospital immediately.
Jay Brown, what can we say about a man who has pushed frotteurism to fantastic, new
heights? In Georgia, nothing. Let's just agree we're all very happy Jay isn't in
dentistry.
Jeff Parks, former humor writer, has recently ended all contact with The Cadaver and is
now considered to be a renegade working with for The Beeper. Ransom offered.
We'd like to thank Jennifer Harris and Julio Iglesias, for all their efforts on our behalf.
The MCG School of Medicine Admissions Committee deserves some recognition for
overlooking us two years ago this August. Don't worry; we'll be gone in another two years.
We'd also like to thank everyone else who helped, but none of you pathetic, oat-brained,
can't-write-a-complete-sentence, slack-jawed, Momma's boys (or girls) did.
On an entirely different note. If you think invisible tape is nifty, if you find that women
don't understand you like your mom does, if ym,; think the dental school is halfway to
humor, then you too can be an editor for the Cadaver. Don't send money. Don't wait.
Rush down to the Student Center and tell them you have what it takes (an addiction to .
liquid paper) to m8111lge MCG's student newspaper. The curre;oi st'lff :s vacating, and all
positions must be filled (at least two). The people in Student Affairs h11ve more than
enough liquid paper to go around. Call 667-9148 for in~omm 1 :,J!I.
In the highly competitive international field of biomedical research, the name MCG is often
heaid mentioned ,amo·ng the very best. There is a simple reason. While some analysts may
use graduation statistics or stiuting salaries to evaluate the quality of a college, most use what
is considered the true measure - assessments of the researchers at that institution. The
Medical College owes much of its stature to the sheer ability and hard work of it's laboratory
scientists. Unfortunately, these men and women, recognized throughout the world, are not
known to a majority of the campus. We hope that the following summary of one project
ongoing at MCG wiil provide a revealing glimpse into the often hidden world of research and
give an idea of the prodigious advances that are being made inside the laboratories just next
.
door. -EDITOR
.
"In recent years, it has been asked how many generic chickens would fit into a ·
generic Pontiac. ' This question has been on the minds of many important people, so
our group has decided to work out this problem for the benefit of all humanity.
I. It has been proven succesfully that chickens have a definite wave-like nature. In
reproducing Thomas Young's famous double slit experiment of 180 I, Sir Kenneth
Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens not only diffract, but produce interference
patterns as well. This experiment is fully documented in Sir Kenneth' s famous
treatise "Tossi_ng Chickens through Various Apertures in Modem Architecture",
1897.
II. It is also known, as any poultry rancher ca1.1 tell you, that whereas if one chicken
is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to pinpoint the exact location
of the chicken at any given time t. This was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg
(Werner's younger brother) in the equation:
bchicken I bt ~ b
(where bis the· barnyard constant; 5.2 x 10-
14
domestic fowl-seconds.)
..
~
·-
-
The North Dakota Null-Hypctthesis Inventory
As IF You NEED A REASON
The following public service is brought to you by the Cadaver, the
MCG Department of Psychiatry and the MCG Wellness Center. We
understand how problematic dating can be, and would like to do our
part in making ·your lovelife vermin free .
Good Excuses for Not Dating a Dental Student: I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
I'm going to the post office to see if anyone is looking for me .
People are blaming me for the Spani sh~ American War.
I'm busy caulking my dog . ·
I just got the new phone book.
I've lost contact with my troops .
I feel a song coming on .
I did my own thing , and now I have to unda, it.
My uncle escaped again .
Sorry, I've just become a subgenius.
I'm in the middle'of a word .
, I used to be indecisive, but I'm not sure anymore.
The grunions are running.
My cat is ovulating.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
I'm sorry i can't; I have to go to the bathroom.
l have to find my childhood,
I'm converting my watch from Julian to Gregorian.
Yeah, right. The last time I went, I never came back.
I have to jog my memory .
Having fun gives me prickly heat.l!l
., ... . .................... . ....................... . ... . ....... .... . . ....... . . ...
Registration Form
l
.:
.
(please print)
:
:
.
Coagulo Spaghetti Sauce
Horne Ptione:
5ex: MD FD
5t1Adent D
foclllty D
The only pasta S<!-UCe
with fresh bell peppers,
select vidalia onions, ,
Waiver of Liability
In consideration of acceptance of this entry, I
waive all claims for myself, my heirs, executors,
administrators and assigns against the sponsors-the board of regents of the University System of
Georgia, the Medical College of Georgia, MCG
Foundation, the SGA, officials, volunteers and
anyone' connected with the l'R6 Rot Roc.e for
injury or illness that may directly or indirectly .result
from my participation in said event. I further state
that I have trained for this event and I am in proper
physical condition to participate in this event.
seven herbs and spices,
and all thirteen .
clotting factors.
.Signot"re:
Dote:
Warning: Road races are physically demanding
and should not be undertaken if you have not been
. . running this distance (SK) on a regular basis.
..................... . ............... . .... '"' ............................... -.......
"·
1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
2. At times, I am afraid my toes will fall off.
3. Chopped liver makes me laugh.
4. As an infant, I had very few hobbies.
5. .Some people never look at me.
6. I sometimes feel that my earlobes are longer than those of other people.
7. Spinach makes me feel alone.
8. My sex life is A-okay. ,
9. I often fart in crowds.
10. Dirty stories make me think about sex.
11 . I am anxious in rooms that have hairy walls.
12. Cousins are not to be trusted.
13. Sometimes I think someone is trying to take over my stomach.
14. I have never eaten a fly.
15. I cannot read or write.
16. As an infant, I hated chopped liver.
17. I have killed mosquitoes.
18. My teeth sometimes leave my body.
19. I am never startled by a fish .
20. Plaid stamps are better than green ones.
21. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
22. My parents always faced catastrophe with a song.
23 . Recently, I have been getting shorter.
24. I have taken shoe polish to excess.
25 . I have always been disturbed by the size of Lincoln's ears.
26. Chicken) iver gives me a rash.
27. I like mannish children.
28. Most of the time, I go to sleep without saying good-bye.
29. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
30. Chiclets make me sweat.
3 l . I stay in the bathtub until I look like a raisin.
32. Frantic screams make me nervous.
33. It makes me angry to have people bury me . .
34. I hate orgies, if no one else is there.
35. I am afraid of Vikings.
Thick and Chunky Mama Von WUlebrand's
City,5tote,l!P:
Age:
INSTRUCTIONS: Respond to each ofthe following statements with one of these three
,
answers 1) Sometimes 2) Always 3) .Never.
Tired of bland, watery spaghetti sauce? Next time, serve your family
Address:
'
The NDNI is of unknown origin, although it certainly dates back to 1964. It is a
parody.of the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, for those of us ·- ·
unsophisticated in the ways of psychiatry. Of course, the true author is unkn,own.
,
~
-------- ·
A Great Source
of Vitamin K!
Take them off.
Can they be
used again?
Yes
Are you
wearing clothes?
•-----~
No
i ~es
...
No
Are there clothes
in the dresser?
)
~.
r
"What's a
hamper?"
--
Choose a pile.
Take an item.
item.
Clean
enough
---T
Yes
No
...
.......;_
...
Do you
really care?
No
Yes
...
Is it dark out?
Yes
.
Yes
Put item under the
sofa cushions
and try again.
I
No
Congratualtions, you're done.
_
~
Yes
i-----.
...
--
Call your
girlfriend
Have you ever
had ancydostoma?
L----------1
Yes
----
No
want to meet women."
Seek the
advice
of a female.
trouble breathing? _
No
Run with
the wind.
e you rea y
a guy?
·...--------N
o
.----Ar-e_y_o_u_h_a-vi_n_g_ ___,
J
.....-~~·~~~~~~---.!
~ . . . _D_o_es_it_it_Ch_?__.I
No
__...
~
No~
I
-=--........,,..............--."It gave me hives."
.______.N
-
Are you doing
guy stuff?
...-I
No
Put on your
big coat. Once again,
It's time to go to Sears.
"I'll be arrested."
Will I
- Is it your
only pair?
be visible"?
I~
"I'm gonna dig holes."
"I'm gonna _ shoot something."
-"I'm gonna knock down something."
"What I'm doing involves gasoline".
.
11
~
"Does it what?"
1-------1~
~
Would you rather
have (lncyclosfoma
than iron a shirt?
\ No
"Yh, it did
yesterday."
\
~
--~-----~--
'r
Put it on
Have you ever
purchased clothes
before?
Is it your
~
Perform the
L...---------'...- favorite shirt?
Smell Test "Aaugh" ...--------.
Select
es
Spray with
.JN o
another
.
~
~-.---_ _ ,
co ogne
__)"Not ba-d'_'
............
~~pair
______ ___
Does it
match?
Do .you know
what clothes are?
\Yes · _ __ _ _ ,
Fluffwith
air
' _ ___, "Which
are_ _ _ ____,
_____;;..__
for my ones
legs?" _
Probably
Are there
~
Is it
underwear?
multiple holes?
__..) No
IN 0
Is it
wrinkled?
--I·~
have a floor?"
Yes
~
.....-------."A sock!~
_____,)
No
Are there clothes
in piles on the floor?
Take the top
No
Does it
look cleari? ~
Men have hair;
they don't need
clothes.
Selecting Clothes
Are there clothes
in the hamper?
\Probably
-
A~~en's
Close your eyes
and throw them in
a random direction.
Guide to
Excellent .
You1re done.
L--------~
...
~No
Put them in
the hamper.
Does what
you're doing t oday No
require clothes? -----...
Yes
~l~~ndi~~vin~p.'~rouble,...._Pl_a_c_e_i-te-m-in--.
hamper and
start over .
\
•
Place item in
hamper and
start over.
Politically Correct Medicine
The voice of the Cadaver, known for its sensitivity and compassion, has been heard
on campus for decades, and over this period of time, while looking at local and ·
national matters, we've acquired a certain facility for protecting the feelings ofour
. peers. Among all the qualities it has, the Cadaver has always prized its empathy the
most, and to do our utmost in fostering positive self-images everywhere, we urge
you adopt the following more "correct" terms in everyday conversations. Perhaps it
is true; what you say is not as important as how you say it. You can be sure that by
using these terms, people won't even know what you say.
CURRENT TERM
Management
Microbiology
Histology
Negri Bodies
Dentist
Histidine
Hernia
Owl ' s Eyes
Heart Failure
Plutonium
Sunstroke
Dick Test
Red Blood Cell
Orientation
Drug Addiction
. Small Intestine
Large Intestine
Inferior Aspect
Mania
Assessment
Hematology
White Blood Cell
PROPOSED TERM
Womanagement
Dimensionally challenged bioscience
Hertology
African American bodies, bodies of color
Gender confused oral specialist
Hertidine
Hisnia
IBTOROEBHAOEWBECAOpFTNW Bodies
{Inclusion-Bodies-that-only-resemble-Owl's-Eyesbecause- having-actual-Owl's-Eyes-would-be-a-callousact-of-disregard-for-the-natural-world)
Functionally delayed heart
The celestial body previously believed to be a planetium
sun-i was just shaking it off
Richard's Test
Aboriginal cell, Native cell, Multiculturalcyte
Asian-Americantation
Pharmaceutical seeking behavior
The Intestine
The other intestine
Antisuperior aspect
Womania
Rearessment
Shematology
Honkeycyte
The politically incorrect doctor:
"On a routine assessment for substance abuse, the dentist's hematology workup
revealed abnormal red blood cell morphology and increased white blood cell
counts."
.. :... ~
r* ·
.
.
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. ·•
:-
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-
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The new, po litically correct MD:
"On a routine rearessment for pharmaceutical seeking behavior, the gender
confused oral specialist's shematology workup revealed abnormal aboriginal cell
morphology and increased honkeycyte counts."
THE DENTAL SCHOOL TOP TEN
"The top I 0 surprises of dental school"
10. Dental hygeine students are -- well -- large.
9. "Giving the drill" not what was expected.
8. Tooth polish makes a nice so.ack if spread on crackers.
7. "Getting the drill" not what was expected.
6. Fingering others gums makes me tingle.
S. Class "Care and Maintenance of Tool" not what I expected.
4. I learn great pick-up lines like: "I have seven dental caries."
3. Disappointed we didn't get.to dissect genitals in Anatomy.
. 2. Two words: Oral Pathology.
1. While in dentist chair, patient doesn' t notice I'm naked from waist down.
CANDY FOR THE LAWYERS
After a protracted and vicious publ ic battle, Peter & Paul Inc., maker of the popular
candybars Mounds™ and Almond Joy™, has apparently reached a settlement over a
suit brought by the Committee for Morality in Advertising (CMA), the legal arm of
the Christian Coalition. A spokesman for CMA acknowledged an agreement has
been reached with the candy giant but maintained a belligerent stance on many of
the points in the committee's original list of grievances. "This company' s
advertising strategy has consistently revolved around the frequent use of sex," the
spokesman for CMA said, "and it refuses to alter its methods."
The sexual content to which the CMA spokesman alleges is the Candymaker's
slogan "Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don' t", which the CMA interprets as an overt
reference to sexual anatomy. ~'In their marketing scheme, Almond Joy is clearly the
male candybar. In addition to its obvious phallic qualities, its oblong roundness, the
Almond Joy's almonds are not slivered, nor are they chopped and roasted. There
are two whole almonds nestled brazenly against the bar under a light coat of
chocolate that really does not conceal anything." . Some CMA supporters have taken
to calling the chocolate bar Peter & Paul's genital model. "Peter is, after all, a slang
term for penis," they say, "and the acronym PP is equally suggestive. Consequently,
snack time is a virtual episode of oral. sex for our young children," the spokesman
warned.
In contrast to earlier prepared statements in which it ignored the product, CMA
directly addressed the issue of Mounds. "We believe that the name Mounds is a
tacit reference to women. The ads explain that 'Mounds don't [have nuts]'. It's also
a scatological term for breasts." There is again the implicit suggestion that the
consumption of this candy bar is a vicarious act of oral love.
Amidst other charges, the CMA speculated about the probable damage the ad
campaign does to US race relations. "Peter & Paul consistently uses milk chocolate
for its candies. It doesn't use. dark chocolate. In fact, the chocolate serves to hide
the solid white coconut core. Peter and Paul are both masculine European names,
and their combination suggests some sort of organization or the presence of
collusion.
·
'
. The Committee for Morality in Advertising did come under attack from several gay
and bisexual groups in attendance when the spokesman urged Peter & Paul Inc. to
endorse the "conventional couple''. After a minor scuftle with several hairy women
.
wearing pumps, the spokesman continued. "This manufacturer claims its
advertisement: 'Sometimes, you feel like a nut; sometimes, you don't.' promotes a
diverse diet. At best, it condones promiscuity among young women. Everyone, at
some time, feels like 'having' a nut. It's okay. When you feel like having a nut, go
for it. We at the CMA, "the spokesmen continued, "want·our young women to say
no to Mr. Peter .. Keep those nuts wrapped." A more radical interpretation of the
slogan was also proposed by the spokesman. " At worst, Peter & Paul has confused
the issue of gender identity. The company has, effectively, composed a public
service announcement telling our young people that you sometimes feel like a nut
(male), and somet imes you don ' t(you feel like a female)." In other words,
according to the CMA. the candymaker actually urges the puhlir to try it both ways.
The spokesman re fu sed, however, to comment on Three Musketeers, Milky Way or
Zagnut.
-~-------~----------------
.
-
.
_____ ,
- - -- - - -
.•
!..
Roving Retina: For the Public's Safety
Once again the forces of greed and stupidity (G&S), also known as the campus law
enforcement division, have reared their collective ugly heads on the MCG campus.
Past fiascos, the Take-A-Bite-Outa-Crime Free Pet Neutering Clinic and the
community offered class How to Defend Yourself Against South Carolinians, should
have been instructive to them; generally, you don't want to frighten the people
paying your salary.
And who can forget Memorial Day, I 995? Perhaps, everyone? On that holiday
weekend, the state police launched a campaign against drunk driving. The sentiment
was admirable, but the action was little more than a weak foray against speeders
followed by prompt retirement from the field . A handful of officers from Georgia
and South Carolina arranged to meet at the 1-20 rest stop just Inside the Georgia
border. The rest stop was where the event began . Tbe officers drove en masse
across the Savannah River, all the way across. non-stop, into South Carolina. Once
iri Carolina, they initiated the second stage of the operation. Those officers in the
exercise who were members of the Georgia patrol turned their cars all the way
around and drove back to Augusta, completely crossing the border for the second
time that morning. These officers then dispersed into their relevant communities.
The Memorial Day anti-speeder campaign was over. We at the Cadaver believe this
project has promise, despite the murky link between public safety and synchronized
high speed interstate driving. Maybe next year a greater show of force would be
appropriate. We have to urge more officers to participate and then, once. they leave
the state, to disperse early, into South Carolina. The level of public safety in
Augusta, if not public happiness, would probably improve.
This is in the past. Campus police are yet again, however, on the offensive, this time
targeting jay walkers, and the Cadaver, the kicking-boy for authority figures
everywhere, would like to sh.are an incident that if not entirely factual looms
dangerously on the horizon for us all.
Imagine that you're a student nurse, stepping off the curb onto 15th Street, thinking
distantly about those cute medical students with colossal literary abilities. (We
understand that the members of certain schools are much more adept at fantasizing
they're women, so we ask that all you future-dentists restrain yourselves.
Remember, this is only a mental exercise. It doesn't require dressing for the part.
And please stay calm; mental exercises are not always frightening voyages into the
dark.) Imagine that it's eight in the morning on a Fall Saturday, so it's bright and
chill .and quiet on lhe medical campus. You look both ways before starting across
15th Street and notice a white car a block away making a tight U tum. It's tires ar~
squealing loudly as it whips around towards you. It's a state patrol car in a hurry, so
you wait. After all, the police rush up and down 15th Street all day.
Then it heads straight for you, with tires smoking, and as the driver slams on his
brakes, the car shudders to a stop. The car's rear end slides sideways, into the curb.
It's grill is two inches from your right knee cap. Its lights are all strobing and the
siren is louder than you ever imagined. Although the morning is beautiful, without a
rain cloudjn the sky, the windshield wipers are going~ Then, they speed up. The
horn honks, startling you, but now the wipers have stopped. Suddenly, the hiss of . static fills the air and it is followed abruptly by a tense murmmuring voic~ . ., · ·-.
"AMN THIS. STOP THE FJUGGIN' ... LETS SEE, WHERE'S THE BULLHORN? OKAY, THE ·•
LITTLE LIGHT IS BLINKING. IF I TALK INTO THIS, THEN PEOPLE OUTSIDE CAN HEAR
ME ... OH .. . " and then more forcefully,"STOP WHERE YOU ARE. ,STEP AWAY
FROM THE CURVE. FREEZE." You shift forward, but then stop in confusion.
What does he want?
"I HAVE YOU .. . WE HAVE YOU COMPLETELY SURROUNDED. DON'T TRY
ANYTHING FUNNY." The blasts from the speaker echo off the Dental School.
You gaze around in fear. There's a man pumping gas at the Texaco across the street,
and he's looking around in confusion too . You don't see anyone else. ·.
The car broadcasts, "YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT TRYING ANYTHING
FUNNY, ARE YOU?" a little hopefully. You shake your head slightly and wince.
The noise from the siren is making it hurt. Those delicate little bones in your middle
ear are probably shattered.
As you cringe under the onslaught "ESCAPE IS FUTILE", the car door pops open.
The officer peers out ·over the top of the door, eyes sliding towards the man across
the street who has completely stopped to watch the unfolding drama. Escape doesn't
look very futile .
The officer pulls out a portable bullhorn, and you recoil in horror. "STOP" he
blares. He jumps away from the car, bumps into a speed sign, and then reels back
towards the curb in acute pain. The bullhorn, on the ground now, disappears under
the patrol car as he gives it a good kick. He's shuffiing sideways, towards the car
door, holding the side of his head. Glaring at you like you just slapped him, he
points his finger at your sternum and launches into an angry torrent of words. Of
course you can't hear him; you.can't hear anything with the siren rotating painfully in
your head. He subsides, and then launches into another cryptic speech. Finally, he
goes for the car, pulling angrily on the door handle. He's still talking. It's locked.
He locked the car door by mistake. When he realizes it won't open, his entire body
spasms. Now he's looking at you in horror. You can see the keys trembling in his
hand, and in his panic, he drops them. He looks at you, and then down at the road.
With both hands, he goes for his gun. It won ' t come free. You can see he has a
little leather flap buttoned, holding the gun in its holster. For five seconds he does a
little jig back and forth between the car and the sign. It's the strangest thing you've
ever seen, and the guy across the street is having trouble breathing because he's
laughing so hard. He's holding his hand against is chest, and his face is turning
purple.
Finally, the gun pops free and into the air above his head; you half expect him to
hurl it across the car hood, but he points it at you instead. He backs up, his legs like
little blue pistons. Then he points his gun quickly at the keys. He has his keys
surrounded! He points his gun at you, then at his keys, tom in indecision. So, you
put down your book bag., In fact, you slowly push it away from you and with palms
outstretched, you reach for his keys. It seems to mal<e him happy. Now he has you
and his keys surrqµn'ded. You put the key in the lock, back awfty, and he qui~kl~
pops the door open and slides in. The siren is suddenly, thankfully gone. All iS' '.
quiet.
"You there ... with the bookbag. Get up against the wall." he yells into the silence.
There's a wall sixty feet away, and you look at it questioningly. He grimaces in pure
hatred, until his eyebrows are touching, and yells, "Get up against that shrub, and
don't try anything funny ." Now he's holding tlle gun on the bush. As you stride past,
the officer shimmys behind the car door, keeping it between you and him. You walk
over the shrub, .a nicely trimmed one with waxy green leaves. It's about three feet
tall, so you hold your hands above it.
"And don't move funny guy." He reaches into the car and comes out with the police
radio microphone. He's still glaring at you, but now over the top of the microphone.
Then, Into the stillness of 15th Street, he roars "CENTRAL, THIS IS UNIT 24" .
The guy across the street is pointing you out to the worker from Subway. Windows
are opening in the Dental School. He tries to glare at everyone while fiddling with
the console of his car. The hazard lights.go on. Then the trupk pops open. He
looks into the car and quickly flips a switch. "Central this is unit 24, over. I have a
caucausian female perp, age approximately 25, over. Looks like I'll need some
backup to bring her over ... over." He glares at you. "It's a 10-24. Wait! It's a 15., .
" a I 5, no don't tell·me. It's a ,JS-26? No, she didn't rob the Texaco. No, she didn't
rob anything. I can't think of it. I don't know." Then he turns a way from you and
whispers into.the microphone"what's jay walking again?" After listening quietly for
a moment, he tu111s back and while looking straight in your eyes, he says, "Right.
· It's a 15-36.". He voice ends in a little squeak, "over". He repeats it: "A 15-36, in
progress." You can hear the doom in his voice, and see it in his satisfied eyes, an
actual 15-36. You did the 15-36, in broad daylight on 15th Street. . You've never
been a perp before; your boyfeiend might like that. ·
"Okay missy," he says walking around the door on his heels, his hands pushing his
belt down over his hips. Actually it's his left hand and the gun in his right hand
pushing his belt down. The gun is pointing at his femur. "Lets have your name."
You give it to him. "Is that with one or two C¥." So, you spell it C-1-N-D-Y, and
you spell ·your last name too. He's writing it all on a tiny spiral notebook with a
pencil from Putt-Putt Golf. Each time he mispells, he furiously scribbles it out. By
the time you get to your date of birth and social security number, his notes look
more like a sketch of a bush than writing, so you tell him you're a nurse. He writes it
down. When you apologize, smile, and say that you're actually a student nurse, he
blackens out nurse. The scribble adds a nice shaded affect to the base of the bush,
which makes you feel good. So, you tell him you're from Jali)aica cm sabattical from
the nursing school there, trying to go for some grass or at least a little ground 'cover,
but he doesn't write it down.
_III. Whatever our results, they must be consistent with the fundamentals of physics,
so energy, momentum, and charge must all be conserved.
A. Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electrical charges. This was established
by William "Ben" Franklin, Esq. Dr. hon. after repeated experiments with
thunderstorms, kites and dom~stic animals.
Help Us
where Vis the potential energy-of the chicken, and K is the kinetic energy of the
chicken, given by
Make· Dreams
Come True ·
C. According to published IUPAC data, a generic chicken at standard
temperature and pressure, indicated as a chicken°, has a half-life of
approximately 4.59 years. Replicate studies in our lab show tv. to be a complex
function :
By Becoming a
Xytex Donor!
B. The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation:
E= K+ V
e"
= -e10.es3-kl !Gn . G• . LI
k is the corrective factor used for birds that are self-basting
Gn is the number of graduate students in the lab per unit time (student s· sec-1 ) .
Gs is the average annual graduate student stipend .
L is the laboratory toaster oven unit density.
Experimentally, tv. is 12.4 hours± 31 minutes (12.9 hours± 31 minutes if your
preference is "well-done"). As you can see, the measured value is quite
different from the formally declared value.
Call 733-0130
For More Information.
D.-Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that the
momentum of a free chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed in any sort of
Pontiac is given by
p
= b/w.
E. It is generally held to be valid that the force of friction F1 of a chicken
approaches zero as the chicken is eooled to temperatures approximating 0
degrees Kelvin. Chickens under these conditions behave as perfectly elastic
bodies (in a chicken-pontiac collision, transfer of momentum from the chicken
to the pontiac should be perfectly efficient) but we have yet to observe
movement in any of our experimentally cooled animals.
IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation for the
potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will allow us to calculate _the probability of finding any number of chickens in automobiles.) The wave
equation for a non-relativistic, time-independent chicken in a one dimensional
Pontiac is given by:
2
IV · Pl - ((b /2m) · a2(P))
GUNNER -BINGO
= E·P
P is the wave function, and a2(P) is its second derivative. The wave equation can
be used to prove that chickens are in fact quantized;and that by using the Perdue
Exclusion fonnula, W!! know that no two chickens in any Pontiac can have the
same set of quantum numbers:
V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the integral of
P·P0chicken from 0 to x, where x =the length of the Pontiac. Since each chicken
will have its own set of quantum numbers (when examining the case of the three
dimensional Pontiac) different wave functions can be derived for each set of
quantum numbers.
It is important to note that we now know that there is no such thing as a generic
chicken. Each chicken influences the position and velocity of every other chicken
inside the Pontiac, and each chicken must be treated individually.
It has been theorized that chickens do in fact have an intrinsic ·angular momentum,
yet no experiment has been yet conducted to prove this, as chickens tend to move
away from someone trying to spin them, at a velocity in direct proportion to the
size of the experimenter.
Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt to integrate a chicken should be
done by parts. Most people tend to want the legs, which can lead to innumerable
graduate student conflicts. Remember, contour integration of chickens is illegal in
Georgia.
We would like to thank General Motors and Tysons, Inc. for their generous
support of this research."
Just clip the pictures of your sixteen favorite gunners from your class composite and
you can play Gunner Bingo. whenever a gunner asks a dumb question in class,
studies in the elevator, or makes 2.5 standard deviations above the mean, fill in his
square. When you get four squares in a row, you must cry·out "BINGO" at the top
of your lungs. Then mail your score sheet into the Cadaver_. The first person to
submit a winning entry will receive a commemorative certificate of achievement.
(Note: there is no free space because gunners do everything the hard way.)
•
The Boll Weevil
11 Cafe and Sweeter1:1
#10 9th Street- Riverwalk
(Behind the Radisson)
To
be an
Sandwiches Served on
Ho111emade
Honey Wheat Bread .
Organ&TlSsue
organ and tissue donor, even if you've
signed something, you must tell your famtly now
Salads - Pizzas - Pasta
DONATION
Share your
· 11·f.e. Sh are your dec1s1on.
·· •
so they can cany out your decision later. For a
free brochure on how to talk to your family, call
Ir.WI
~
1-800-355-SHARE.
1
Incredible D-esse·r ts
Coalition on Donation
Cappuccino .
All Served in a Unique 150 Year Old Cotton Warehouse
(
Dine In & To Go Orders
Serving: Monday-Saturday, All Day & Evening .
(706) 722-7772
PleQ.5e make checks payable to
f he Cadaver.
l
·-
j
after the awards ceremony; all
partic~pants are ~legible to win .
Fresh f rl.rit and other refreshments
wm also be available for
.participants after the race.
WHAf If '.S GONNA Gff YOU:
All pre-regi5tered participants wm
receive a sensational, short sleeve,
dirt shedding, never f ode, flora\ .
scented OFFICIAl RAf RACE
RUNNER™f -5hirt.·(WARNJ.NG :sotne
shirts ger dirty, fade, andstne\\ lil<e
c.onon). Becal.6e the Rat Race i5 a
non-profit event he\d to rai5e
money for the MCG Children's
Medic.a\ Center, the shirt i5
gl.raranteed to give yol.r a warm,
fuz.zy feeling. A limited nlfmber of
shirts wm be available to those who
regi5ter on the morning of the race.
Date:.Sat\.frday, May~. !q'f6
f itne: Regi5tration ~:00
Race.Start Cf:OO
location:fhe.Start and FiniSh are
at the MCG .student Center
on Laney Walker Avenlle .
f o regi5ter by mail, simply fill o\.ft the
regi5tration f orm.(on the reverse
side of this flyer) and mai\itto fttE
CADAVER with yo\.fr entry fee before
April 17'". Yo\.f can also regi5ter on
race day before 8!>0 AM. Race
packets containing yo\.fr number
and t-5hirt can be picked lfP in the
regi5tration area on the morning of
the race.
- - - - - - - - --
-
-
• -
- ;- ~-· - -- - -
-
-
.
•
" .... ,.
- - - ·-
p
51-60
60+
fhe-Rat Race c{o f HE CADAVER
Box 3005 ·
Medic.a\ College of Georgia
Augl.6ta, Georgia 30CJIJ .
If you have any questions, plea.se
call.Stephen Feren at 66 7-Cf ~~
(sf [email protected] dmailtncg .edlf).
Volunteers (who wm all get free tshirts) can call Li5a Wang at ~J 1716~ .
. --- · . ~ ---
- __ _ _ __,___.. ... ... ..
~1-50
A\\ entries sholf\d be mailed to:
Sl3.00
•
..,, --· - ~
3.6-~0
16-JO
Jl-J5
J6-30
31-35
Race
Day
S11.oo
MCG.5tlfdent
S~.00
. MCG Facl.r\ty or . SI0.00
.staff Member
Rats
Free
r-p--.
<15 years
Prizes wm be awarded to:the
.fa.stest male and female fini5hers
overall and then the first male and
female fini5hers in each race
category. Random drawings for
donated merchandi5e wm be he\d
WHAf If'.s GONNA CO.sf You·
By
Mail
Awards wmbe given to the first
male and female fini5hers in each
of the following categories .
""
-
-
•
..-
--
•
---·
--~---
--- -~-·-·.
--- -- --- ·-..----·--- ---- ------ ...
------
-- - ----::-·---:-·-- -- - ·----
---~--
-
-- -_,._... --- -- ---- ·- -- ---
-- ._~- - - ----·- -·
-
"Okay, perp. You think you're clever? You think you can jay walk in front of me,
on my campus, without suffering the consequences?" The people across the road,
munching on those big Subway cookies, are watching him avidly. "We've had
enough of your kind, nurses wandering aimlessly across this street like it's some kind
of public thoroughfare." He jabs his gun at the curb in punctuation. "l want you, and
all of those students, to know that street vice like this isn't pennitted. Things have
been slack around here for too long." You crinkle your eyes at him. This man is
insane. He continues. "What would your parents think?" My parents? They think I
should visit more often with the grandkids. "What will the 8000 employees here
think, seeing you here?" He pauses, looking at you evilly. He waits. Then, his
mouth twitches, and he opens it. 9He doesn't say anything, however, and you can see
he's lost track of the monologue. He looks at you evilly, again, but with his mouth
wide open. You try to smother a laugh, splutter instead, and he suddenly looks a
little scared. His hand tightens on the butt of his pistol, and his other hand paws at
his ~hirt. "Don't make me get out my bullet," he warns you. "It's taken me a long
time to get here, three long, painful weeks of training. Most don't make it the fi rst
time. But I knew this day would come. I don't know what weak-kneed, flowe ry,
I'm-so-superior-because-I-think, high-falutin' college you're from, but we don't
cater to criminals on this campus."
Now, this is when you notice the crowd of people across the street heading over
towards the two of you. You can hear one of them complain, "No, I didn't hear what
she said. Did she say something to him? I thought she laughed." The officer,
watching you for sudden moves or suspicious activities, glances cooly over his
shoulder at the advancing crowd, and his face spreads into the biggest grin you've
e.ver seen. You can read the words public spectacle in his eyes; of course, they're
miss-spelled. Then you both realize it. All twenty-four of the spectators are
jaywalking across 15th Street. He whips his,eyes back at them, and his upper body
tries to move towards them while his legs keep a watch on you. He succeeds in
jumping two feet into the air . . His pistol flys up, and this time he does fling it away.
It spirals upwards lazily, not that he notices. He's reaching for his bullet and the car
door and his hand cuffs. He finds his bullet and his night stick, however. He tries to
load the nightstick with the round, but it doesn't work, and he points the bullet at the
crowd. "Stop, you lousy perps," he screams hoarsely. Watching his face, you
realize you've only seen that shade of red in fungal infections. All of this has
happened in the span of a few seconds, enough time for the gun to have passed the
apex of its flight and begin its descent back towards Mother Earth. You watch it
rapidly approaching the top of his skull. YOU wonder how manQ,blows his head
sustains in the nonnal day. Is two within five minutes abnormal? But it misses him,
and thuds loudly on the hood of his car.
He truly leaps up this time, in pure terror, certainly clearing the top of the bush and
falls on his back on the curb. You're all astonished, and watch transfixed as the ·
officer climbs feverishly into his car. The door slams, and. he huddles over the
wheel staring alternately at his gun on the hood and the people in the street. He
grabs the microphone. "Officer down. Need assistance immediately. Officer
down." You suppose he doesn't need to say "over" after that.
~.- _,
____
-·-
_':. .""-. ....... - _,_ - ,_
'-
-·-
_ ..._
·,.. ,_.. . .,
- - . . . - -·- - . -... -- -·- - - - - •.-. -----· . - ~
~
,._
.
I-. -
Then, he guns the engine, flips the siren on and sets it to deafen. He races the car, in
reverse, backwards into the parking garage. The crowd of people .passes you by,
following the s~unds of tinkling glass emanating from the darkness of the building.
As you walk away you notice the crumpled remains of the bullhorn on the tannac
and beside it lies the officer's little spiral notebook. It's opened to the first page.
You can read "Commander M. E. Brinker, Street Crimes Division" in strong black
strokes at the top of the page. Beneath that is "Criminals jaywalking are
everywhere." It's mostly marked out. Below that is: '. 'Out there the crime of
jaywalking is everywhere." It's almost illegible under scribbles, but below it is the
clean print of someone who has finally found his own mind on the subject.
"Somewhere, out there, a crime is being committed. But I won't be there; I'll be
fin.ing jaywalkers."
The _Cadaver Longitudinal Survey
What type of toothpaste does .a medical student use?
We know this is a burning question on both sides of Laney Walker, so we've
presented the results of a brief survey of medical students.
Shash K.
Curry Brite
Jason T.
Fresh Mint Crest Gel
Chris F.
Horse Feces
Toothpaste?
Chris W.
Bill C.
Crest Fresh Mint Gel
Colgate with Peroxide and Baking Soda
Allen B.
Will C.
NIA
DrewV.
Jim Beam
Carolina A.
Colgate (recycled)
Shea 0 .
Not required
AdamB.
Bile
Danny E.
Crest with Baking Soda
Arvin S.
K-Mart Generic
Anuj
Saliva
Mayank P.
Efferdent
Scott W.
Rembrandt
Jim A.
Toe Cheese
John J.
Floss with Manish' s Hair
T.J.T.
L'Oreal Mousse
•
PPL/CANTS FACE STIFF COMPETITION
The MCG Medical School has recently completed its annual applicant interviews
and is now in the process of notifying the last of the 180 "smartest students MCG
has ever had" that they can look forward to several years in Augusta . As usual , the
competition was tough·among the 500 students (who looked perfect on paper), and
it was up to MCG 's crack team of discerning Ph.D.s conducting the intervi~ws to
separate the chaff.from the grain. We at the Cadaver w~re salivating over all the
fresh meat, when it occured to one of us to ask just what was discussed in those
secretive sessions. What was said that led the erstwhile interview staff into
Fejecting (ripping apart and totally destroying the dreams of) those deemed
unacceptable? Interviews are, after all, very subjective experiences. Armed with
our mightiest weapon (a cold six-pack), this Cadaver writer tracked down some of
these failed interviewees and divined the following statements, gems of wisdom
made by undergrads destined for other medical schools (or a fruitful career in
manipulation). Naturally, all names ~ave been withheld.
"Well, I am just fascinated by the intricacie of the human cardiovascular system,
but the little man in my pants wants me to go into gynecology."
"Experience? Well, I've slept with a_few doctors .. ."
. "Get back! Don 't touch me!"
"Well yes, but it was plea bargained down to a misdemeatlor aftei· I agreed to
testify for the prosecution."
"I'm .very interested in specializing."
"I wouldn't say I burned the chemistry department down. I like to think I cleared
the way for progress in architecture."
"You're an M.D.? While we're here, could you refill my prescription for Prozac?"
"I believe M.D.s are members of a technological elite destroying our society. Out
of curiousity, do you prefer FedEx or UPS?"
"What's the statute of limitations for anned robbery in Georgia?"
" My, the things I could do to yo~ if we.were naked right now .. ."
"I feel much more comfortable around ill people, especially the mentally ill."
"I think
"After getting my M.Ed., Ph.D., J.D., D.V.M., and D.D.S., I' ve decided to make it
an even half-dozen."
"I wasn't gone for long. The Venusians were very thoughtful."
nitrou~ oxide is a gift from God for the masses, and I would dedicate my
life to providing this gift to all of God's children."
"Do you teach us how to clench our sphincters?"
·
"I went to college to get married, and I haven't found the right man yet·."
"Actually, dental school was my first choice."
"I'm an avid reader of Crichton, and I think the medical experience will really.
improve my novel."
"Well...! wouldn't say it was SCORCHING herpes."
"My girlfriend says I look really good in scrubs."
"Heh man, I have lots of experience with drugs."
"No, that's not beer on my breath, my mouthwash is just kind ofhoppy."
"That's right, Dr. Weidmann sent me from the Caribbean."
"I would prefer you call me 'the applicant formerly known as Prince.' "
"Proctology ... Cool!"
"Uh ... no, I don't smell anything."
"How long until I get to cut on people?"
"I know my fly is down .. .interested?"
"I can heal people. rye always had the touch."
"My decision to go into urology has not been in any way affected by the fact that
·
every man I've ever known has treated me badly."
.
TAKE A LOOK AT
THE NEW
GEORGIAN PLACE
"By the way. Just how accommodating are student nurses to 3rd years?"
• Beautifully Restored
• Saeened Pordtes
• Cei1btg Fans
• Large Brick ~dosed Patios
. "01\, Non
ALLSBIUCk
E. VE.RYWl\E.RE.I"
E. YE.S,
1 BEDROOM - s345 • 2 BEDROOM - s395
~-----------------r;i
••so
. .
. sso
I
THIS couPoN GOOD FOR •so.oo
OFF tST MONTH'S RENT NEW
I
LEASES ONLY
I
GEORGIAN PLACE
' ' I
I1.:;•so
APARTMENTS ____
sso I
_____________
I
I
1
~
733-7829
Owl pathologists at work
t
1700 VUley Park Cowt •~Mlle Eut of AugaltA Mall
.
Open W:rekenda
·~
craduation Speakers
'KD'lo
for The 1998 Medical School Class
After repeated attempts at bribery failed them, the Cadaver writers cornered
sophmore class president J-P Mobasser (Medicine) behind the salad station in the
cafeteria and threatened him with the lettuce tongs if he didn't provide them with the
complete list of potential graduation speakers for the MCG 1998 Graduation
Ceremony. Because ole' J-P knew all members of The Cadaver are highly trained in
the use of scissors, pencils and other pointy objects, he wisely handed over the
highly secret papers immediately.
Percentage
of
functional
brain cells
Mild
Moder,ate
Severe
The following list of speakers (and topics) was extracted from the submissions made
by members of the 1998 Medical School Class. ·
M..-tM
Michael Jackson - "A Rosy Future for Neuropsychology"
Chairman Ping Lo - "Socialized Medicine in the US, Taking the Golden Path"
Oprah Winfrey - "Codependent Young Residents and the Hospitals Abusing Them"
Michael Crighton - "How I Became a Happy Successful MD."
Dr. Steele - "PCR: just do it!"
Bill Gates Ill -"Windows MD, Microsoft's Plan to Acquire the US Health System"
Tupac Shakur - "Shut up 'n Gimme Money *@#% Gomer! "
Rush Limbaugh - "Obese, Obnoxious White Male Doctors Should Rule the US"
Aprl 1
May1
June11
Juy15
500+
BAC
300
Jure
July
August
Time
Although S l S can present with any number of symptoms, there are several
pathgnomonic signs (below) that lead to a rapid and accurate diagnosis.
When taking an examination, the individual:
I. Tries to get a wave going.
2. When in·an extended matching sections, he answers in essay form.
The SIS Syndronte
During Spring and early Summer, second year mediCal students undergo s(!veral
strange and unprecedented physiological changes. Known as Step I Syndrome to
insiders,. it's characterized primarily by intense fears that maybe their chosen
professiqn is actually sanitation technology. The following graphs depict findings
common to these individuals during this stage of development.
3. He talks out loud to himself and when confronted, says, "I'm so sure you can
hear me." Then, he talks out loud about how stupid the test administrator is.
4. Cheers for the guy in front of him.
5. As soon as the instructor hands him the test, he eats it.
6. He blacks out all the questions and answers with ·a Sharpie pen.
7. Comments on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
8. He starts a brawl.
9 . When the test begins, he complains about the heat and then strips.
I 0 . Comes to the test with a 85 pound aluminum Buddha, -~nd prays to it often.
11 . Every five minutes during the exam, he collects all his things and moves to a
different seat.
MAP
93
12. For every question, asks his toes what the answer is.
L---'"----==--==--=-=--- - - - -
13 . Gets a copy of the exam and runs out of the room screaming "Andre, Andre
I' ve got the secret documents."
·
The standard of care for these individuals is one quart of Jim Beam per day for
seven days. Followed by gentle reintroduction to society. At no time during
convalesence should you ask the individual anything.
Aprl 1
May1
Time
June 11
Juv1s
)
---------~-------~
---
-··- ·-- ., -- ·
----- ---
-
88
89
91
J•nkin\ Bonno P
)<nkiM, Henry A.
jonn, jtttrny Y.
]Oil<!, ~lirh><I &
92
Joshi Afl"rvt K.
9l
Joudah, Fody A
K<lly, Scot1 A
K•mp, C.rl100 R
Kh:'ln, S111u U
- Km\ DJryl K
K0tlhl<r, PJul D
90
Congratulations to the Seniors, especially Niti Bhalla who is going to Las Vegas (one or our personal
fantasies), for sticking through four years of"educ·ation" at MCG.
1.
l.
4.
).
6.
7.
Aboma1hy, RDbtn A
Ancknon, Eric B.
Ancknon, S•mm1h1 I.
Aquino Lu:inn
Asnw, PhJip E.
B>rnb, Di:imu A.
B:ardrn, Brian F..
lltdnl C•ll•gt of Grorgia, Auiu><~ GA
Ch:m•nooga Uni1-UnivofTron Col of Med, TN
U of Fl H"hh S<itnct Ctr, Jxklonvilk, Fl.
Gtorgil B•pro1 Medical C.nm, A1bnr:i, GA
Bownun Gray/NC Blj> HO!p, W111>10n·S.lem, N<
Uof M~mi-Jxk!On Mtm Med C.mer, Mi:im~ Fl
C.mwJy Mt1hod"r Med Crr, B,mingham, Al
8.
9.
IO.
A111)' L.
Bm1,Jay N.
Bttde, 1>.orcy M.
Medd Collw of Grorgia, ~ugu1ra, GA
Caroltn;u t.J,dKli Cenm, Clurlom, NC
11 .
12.
Btnntu, John C
Beu.Pem
ll.
Bhall" Niu
B•hop, Ch>rl" G.
I.
lhrf~ld,
14.
1\
16.
17.
Bl1CkJ."1"'N.
Blalock, WilliamO.
Bloodworth, Eliul><1h F
18.
19.
Blood•·onh, Janin R
Bowm, P1.,Kk J
Univ ofTennn~ Col ofMedKint, M'mph6, TN
Wngh1 ·Panmon USAF M<dKli Cu, D:iy1on, OH
John> Hoplm1 Ho1p11JI, B>l1imore, MD
Uninn11y 0£ N'v:Jd1 Aifil Hospi1:1.I, La~ VegJ~, NV
Uninni1y Hospitll 1nd Clime, C.Olumbi.i, MO
Univm11y Hospilll and Cl1nK, Columbi:l, MO
M"hodo1 Ho1pilll, D:ill11, TX
LSU SOM, Nn·Ori""" LA
Grunvill' Hosp1t:J! Symm, Grt,nvi!le, SC
Grttnvill' Hospital System, Grttnvtllt, SC.
Ch:111:1noog:J Unit-Univ ofT,nn C.ol of Mtd, TN
Chau::inoog::i Unir-Univ ofT,nn Col of Med, TN
20.
Brotm, }..;J.ui'a A.
Bot:nun Gray/NC B:Jp Hosp, Wiruton-Salt111, Nt
11.
21.
ll.
24.
24.
2).
16.
21.
28.
Bro•·n, Todd B.
Burnaugh, Rob.n L
C.hill, Suunn• M.
C.lbh1n, Mich><I H
Barbi<, Bobbi•
C.rbon, Chri> C.
un<r, Kar<n L.
Ch>lkor, Thoma1 L
Ch,.., J<ffr<y A.
~!Jkolrn Gro•· USAF Med
19.
36.
Ch1udhry, Mund"p
Ch>udhry, Sundttp
Chtrry, Tm" A.
Cbrk, M<li511B.
Cbrk, Michl.I B.
Cook, N>nmt N.
Corml<k, Ally1an J.
Caul<, Phillip L.
31.
Cnnt,J<nniftr D.
38.
39.
40.
Culm, J•nniftr L.
C0>hing, Mich>tl V
Cziro, Brun G.
41.
41.
43.
Otvo, C:irrit L.
Davi>, S.kinl HUS<in
O..n, K<nnt1h M
JO.
l l.
ll.
ll.
34.
l\.
«.
4\.
46.
47.
48.
49.
\0.
O.llingtr, C.ryl A
OJ•'Onh, W>rr<n K
Dourron, Ang•h (
Dourron, Rob.n P
Dovrr, Kevin G.
Duk<, J•nnif<r P.
Dukd•nfnrd.G.
)6.
Dy3r, SuS3n A.
Edwards, William R
Eickkr, Richard G.
Erick.on, Manht.· G.
Ethier, Annemarie M.
Fohd, Amoine K.
)1.
)1.
)8.
Fmn, Sitphtn
Fox, Si•phtn G.
Fr<idrich, Alleyn E.
\9.
60.
61.
62.
G•i1htr, Kimb.rly B.
Gilb.n, S1<•·an D.
Goldb.rg, L« R.
Good•·in, Honry N.
63.
64.
Gr<gocy, D:m< K.
Gttgory, Donna W.
6\.
66.
Grillin,JllOllE.
Griffirh, Brun C.
67.
68.
Grogan, S1<ph3nit S.
Hamil, Rach.I W.
69.
70.
71.
11.
H•nnay, R.S.
Harutn, T<rry W.
Harrover,J:unesD.
Hawkiru, S1nford R.
\I.
\2.
\l.
)4.
n.
73.
74. ·
n.
76.
77.
18.
1'1
.80.
H<nk•l.Sh•mina J.
Henry, Hmhtr A.
Henry, William R.
HtnS3rling, Jdlrey K.
Hesttr, Btnjamin C.
Hicks, Brandon K
Hopp, Philip H.
Ho•·ingron, J1y U.
81.
Bl.
83
84.
8\.
Hubbard, Amy E
86.
87.
lw:JnlOIO,M:Jrth:J
Hudson, J'nnifer G.
Hught1, Amy P.
Humphries, T1mmhy A
H/m>n, Ronald A
Jam.., Hugh A.
Crr, Andtt" AFB, MD
Medid Colleg• ofGtorgil, Augu1u, GA
MedKll f.oll<gt of ytorgo:i, Augu1ra, GA
Medical Colleg• of Gtorgia, Augu1ra, GA
Medd Coll•g• of Goorgi:l, Aug0>ll, GA
UC S.n D~go Med Crr., S.n D•go, CA
Med1C11I Coll<ge of Gtorgta, Aug"'"· GA
Umv of South Alab•ml Med (u, Mobil<, AL
Earl K. Long M<dical Cenrer, Baron Roug<, LA
Alleghtny Gmral Hospilll, Pimburgh, PA
Emory Univmi1y SOM, Arlan1a, GA
Univ of Colorado School of iledicino, Dtnm, CO
Univ of Virginil M<d Ctr, Chlrlonmill<, VA
N"'I Medial Ctr, Pommouih, VA
fo1<m Virginil Grad""" SOM, Norfolk, VA
McdlCll Colleg< of Gcorgi:i, Aug0>ra, GA
M<dKal Coll•g• of Gtorgia, Aug"''" GA
Mtdical Coll•g• of Gtorgi:i, Augu1r~ GA
Med"'! Coll•g• of Gt0rgil, Aug0>1a, GA
U of Fl Program-Shonds HO!pioal, Glin'1Vill<, Fl
Grorgil Bap1i>1 Medical C.nm, Adanoa, GA
St. JO!tph Mmy Hospioal, Ann Arbor, Ml
~fo,,.chUS<m Gtncral Hospital, Boston, MA
Medal Colleg• ofGtorgil, Aug0>1a, GA
U of Fl H<al1h Sc~" Ctr, J3Ckl0nvill<, Fl
Ahon Oclon<r M•d fnd, Ntw Orltaru, LA
Alton Och1ntr M<d Fnd, N<w Orkaru, LA
Univ of Alabanu Hosp11>l, Birminghom, AL
Emory Univoni1y SOM, Arlanoa, GA
Sin::ii Hospital, Dmoit, Ml
Henry Ford Hosp11al, O.troi1, Ml
Bcw.·m::in Gray/NC B::ip Hosp, W1ns1on-Sal,m, Nf
Bov•nun Gray/NC Sap Hosp, Wiruron-Salem, NC
&wm.in Gr::iy/N{' 8'.lp Hosp, Winnon-£11em, N(
Grunvill' Hos'p1t:i1I Sysitm, Grunv1lle, S(
Kalamazoo Crr for Med Srud1t1, Kalom~roo, Ml
Univ of K<mucky Mtdicol Crr, Ltx1ngron, KY
Medico! College of Gtorgil, Aug0>r~ GA
Vanderbilt Univ Medical Cu, Noshville, TN
Mmy Ho1p and M•d C.nm, 5ln D•go, CA
Univ of California COM, Irvin•, CA
U of U Med Crr and Food Shop, Wil1an, UT
Mt1hodi>1 Hospira! of lndilna, lnd1anopolo, IN
Andmon Am Medical Ctr, And•non, SC
Mtdical College of G•orgi:l, Aug0>1a, GA
Univ of Chicago Hospirol, Chicogo, IL
Univ of Atizono Affil Hoipioab, Tu<10n, AZ
Uo f TN Col ofMedicindltmphi>, TN
U o fTN Col oHledicine, M<mphi1, TN
Un" ofT<M<11<e GSM, Knoxvill<, TN
Univ ofT<nnt11tt GSM, Knoxville, TN
Tallahmto Mem Rtg M<d Crr, Tallohai1tt, FL
William Beaumont Army Med Crr, El Pw, TX
Georgia Bap1i>1 Medic>I C.nm, Arlantl, GA
Richland Memorial Hospital, Columbi:i, SC
Wesr Virginia Univ, Charltt1on, WV
Sp>n>nburg Rtg Med C.nm, Sparranburg, SC
EO.nhow<r Army Med Crr, Ft. Gordon, GA
Medical Colleg• of Gtorgi:l, Augu11a, GA
Medical Coll•g• of Gt0rgi:i, Auglllta, GA
Emory Univmi1y SOM, Arlanoa, GA
MediCal Coll<ge of Gtorgia, Aug"''" GA
Medical Coll•g• of Georgia, Aug0>ta, GA
Grtenvillt Hospital System, Grunville, SC
Orlando Reg Heahh<lt< Symm, Orhndo, FL
M'tropolitan Hospira! Crr, N'~' York, NY
Chananoog> Uni1-U of TN Col of Med, TN
Lenox Hill Hospital, New York, NY
LSU Sch of Medicine, N•w Orleans, LA
Uof TN Col ofMedicine, Memphil, TN
C:irolinas Med10.I Cemer, Charloue, NC
Georgi::i B:ipc~r Medical Cenm, Arb.nu, GA
Alton Ocloner Med Fnd., New Orlearu, LA
Emory Univmi1y SOM, Atlanra, GA
Mtdical Coll•ge of Georgia, Aug0>rl, GA
Univ of Virginia, Charlomsvill,, VA
~femorial Medical Cenrer, S::iv::innah, GA.
ln1nn>I Medicint
lnmn•I iledicin<
OB/GYN
lnum:tl },f,dicint
Surg•ry/Pr.I
Radiology-Diag0011ic
Surgery
Family Pr lll K'
Surgery
Ped1.11no
Surg•ry
Psych1my
Internal MeJKin,fPrtl
lnt,m:JI },f,dicin,/Prel
An<11htsiology
1n1,malMeaKin'
lnttrn:JI Med1cin'
Ptdia1rio
ln1trnal ~led )C'in'
Tran~i1ion1I
Ophrhalmology
F::irltily Prac1i<'
Trans11ion::il
lnitmal Medicin'
p,di:J1rKS
01olaryngology
lnd0>trill H"hh
Surgery
p,diatrln
Pathology
Enttrg,ncy Medicine
Emtrg,ncy Mtdicine
Traruition::il
ln1<m•I Med-Prim>ry
Emerg,ncy M'dicine
Tr.iruitional
OB/GYN
lntem3)},f,dicin'
lmemalM,dicin,fPrel
Emtrg,ncy M'dicin'
Ptdimio
p,dmOO
Onhopa<dic Surg<ry
lnt,mal M'dicin,fPrel
Radiation Oncology
Pedia1rio
lnmnal },f,diciu,/Prel
ln1<m•I Med icin</Pr<I
Oph1h3lmology
lnt,maIM,dicin'
Ellll'rg,ncy M'd1cine
OB/GYN
OB/GYN
Radiology ·Di:ignost ic
Radiology-D11gnos1 K
Otol.1ryngnlogy
p,d1::11ri. \
94
9\.
96
91.
98.
99
Kr:inkr, lhomn 0
HJJ
Linell>~.
101
l..Jngston, VJlme A
IOI
bptu, Chtmr k
Kevin D
IOI
104
Let, Phol <ia I..
Ltff, R.cky P.
IO)
L..·o, Rmuld C
106
Lin, Ho N.
101
l.ong•ntck<r, Elwood N
108
~hubby, Gilb.n H.
109. ~foyf•ld, Walm G
110. Mc<:oy, Colle<n A
111.
McElhlnnon, Thomu A
11 l
McSw>in, Rob.n L.
! ll
M<hll, Neha H.
114
M<hl<I, Crilp,, P.
II\
Minor, Ed,.,rd A.
116. M0tling, H<ide H.
111
Mullin1, Rob.ro F.
118
Murray, ~!Jry E.
. 119. Ntal, Diannl L.
110. Nooi1, Douglls H.
Ill
Ogden, Michoel M.
122. Squiml, B1ff
Ill.
Oknl<, S•mmy M.
Ill.
Ovenrre<1, Aogrb M
Pard.., Jul~M.
124
12)
Pmn1<, Kimherly F
116. Paul, Grom T.
127. Pcrlmon,Sconj.
128. PhilliP', Amy E.
119. PhilhP', J0tl C.
130. Philpou, Benjamin M
Ill.
Photo~. AVl E
Ill. Pit1ruk, Nichol» A
Ill. Prillk<r, Adam S.
134. Pryor, Ht:nhtr A.
13). R>dfocd, Monie• A
116. Ranuuon~ Lis.1 A.
137. Rtmn•'lld, John E.
138. Ripl<y, David L.
119.
140
141.
141.
l4~
144
14\
G'org,to~11
Univ Hospit::il, Washington, OC
Radiology-Diagnostic
Transitional
Univ,n11y of California, San F~ncisco, CA
lmnul Medicin<
Univ ofTtnrlC>ltt GSM, Knoxville, TN
Qorgtio~·n Univ Hospital, W1Shington, DC.
Uof K<ntucky MedtCal C.nm, Lexing1011, KY
T•mple UniV<nity Hospioal, Phil1ddphi:i, PA
flmilyPracric'
lnumal MtdKin'
p,di:urics
Medic>I College of Gtorgi:l, Aug"'"· GA
M<rcy Hospioal and Med C.nm, Chicago, IL
Sp1010burg Rtg Med Cir, SpmJnburg, SC
Medical Collegt of Gt0rgil, Aug0>ra, GA
Medic>I Colltgt of Gtorgi:l, Aug0>1a, GA
MedicJI Coll•g• ofGwrgo:i, Aug0>1a, GA
Medical Coll•g• of Gt0rgi:l, Aug0>ra, GA
ASPl.Ai'IT DCOM PAKFLIP, Bcrrtn11 AFB, loaly
Tulan' Uninnity, N'w Orl,aru, LA
Medic•I Collegt of G.Orgi:l, Aug0>1a, GA
U of FL Htahh Scion" Crr,J3Ckl0n•ill<, Fl
Mtdical Coll•g• of Gcorgi:l, Aug"''" GA
Univ of Sou1h Alabama, Mobil<, AL
Emonud/Good S.mlttt"1 Hosp, Ponland, OR
Univ of Arkanw, Linl< Rock, AR
Grunville HospitJI Sysmn, Grunville, SC
E1St T'nnes~ Sta1e Univ, John~n City, TN
U of Fl H<ahh Scitne< Ctr, Jl<honvill<, FL
Medical C.nm of C.ntral Gtorgia, Mxon, GA
En"ry Univmi1y SOM, Arlan1a, GA
Floyd M<dical Ctnier, Rom•, GA
Vandtrbilt Univ,nity M'dical Center, N1Shvill,, TN
Medical C.mtt of C.ntral Georgia, ~facon, GA
Uof Fl Program-Sh>nds Hospi!OI, Glm<1vill<, Fl
M<dical Colkg• of Gtorgio, Augu1ll, GA
MedicalColltg<ofV•gini:i, Richmond, VA
Emory Univmity SOM, Ad::in1a, GA
Univ of Virgm11, Charlounvilk, VA
Mayo GnduJ" School, J1Cl1anvill<, Fl
Floyd M<do·al C.n1<r, Romo, GA
Millon S Henhty Mrd Cu of P<nn SU, Hmhty, PA
Geor~11 8Jp1i~t Medicll Crn1er, A1l::in1a, GA
M<dical C..lleg< of Gcnrgil, Augu11a, GA
Radiology-Diagnos1ic
Intema!Med1Cinr
1)1
Son~ .
l )8
1)9
160
16 l
Squir<\ Ann• C.
Srack,Nicol<M.
Tanhil, Howard S.
Tho ~1p1an, Ktvin R.
161
163
164
Tilcbl<, Victoria G.
'rrmh, Nicholas Q
Tyb.r, Andy B.
16\
UlrKh, Lane, D.
MCO Hospiral/S1. Vine<nl Med Crr, Toledo, OH
Gwrgil Bap1i11 Medical C.nm, Adanr~ GA
Emory Univeni1y SOM, A!lanra, GA
M•dical College of Grorgi:i, Augum, GA
Ur~ Jant1 L.
Medical College of Gcorgil, Aug"''" GA
Chamnooga Unit-Univ ofTennrssee Col of M,d, TN
Psychiatry
.Onhop,.d< Surg•ry
Ptdiatrio
166.
167.
168
169.
170
111.
MedKin'
l1l
Surg<ry
OB/GYN
Emorgency MedKm•
Surg<ry
Family PractK'
Family Prmic'
Traruitional/Ancsr h
Emergency Mtdic:in'
Psychiatry
Jm,rru.IM,dicm'
Emerg~ncy
Ptdiacrio
Surg•~·/Prel
N'uroswgery
Pediatrio
Pedimio
Transitio!lal
Surg•ry
Transitional
Nmology
Pedia1ria
FamilyPrac1ict
Waite\, Chriltopher L.
Wak<f•ld, Jamt1G
Ward, Mdan~ A.
Webb, Whimey L.
. W<11, Todd B.
!1l.
174.
11\.
176.
Whi1<htad, J"sica C
Willen, Jennife; J.
Willilms, Helen L.
William1, Siephon~ L.
·wil lianu, Toni M.
171.
118
Wimn:m, William S.
Woods, William). ·
119.
180.
181.
Wray, Steven D.
Wright, Jonarh1n P.
Zell,Jo•nno E.
ln1mul Mtd-Pruuary
Jn1,mal Mtd1Cm'
M'n10rr.1l M'diul c,nter, SaYlnnJh, GA
U.niv ofT,nntt~ Mrd Cir, Knoxvi!I,, TN
Radiology-Diognos!K
familyP ramc'
lnt,m::il M,dicine{Prel
Family PractK'
Farnily-Prauic<
ln1<m1I Med<in</Prd
Emerg•ney MedK1nt
TraruMK>n:il
M<diCJI Colkg• of Georgia, Augo1ra. GA
K16er Permmen1t Hosp-Fontan1, P1s1d,n:i, CA
Good S.1mui1:m Reg Mtd f.tnm, Phoenix, AZ
148
149
I\0
1)1
1\1
I\l
1\4.
1)\
1)6
Surg•ry/Prd
Urology
OB/GYN
Surg•ry
Surgery/Pr<!
Mtdiciri,.Pediat;Ks
Internal MedKm'
OB/GYN
Surgery
Radiology·Di>gnos1ic
Family Pranice
Mm1on1l MedKal (,nitr, SJvJ11nah, GA
R.adiolnt;y·D1agn01o1K
lnmtul Mtdicint
Danny Y.
08/GYN
F:irnily Pr.lctict
Stodrl, HuwJrdD
Stldomndg<, Amy I.
Sh•mh~ ARlnd T.
Shim, Chari" B.
Shuhrod, Andrew R
S1lmio, Rob.n W.
Simm<n, Kyl• E.
Sledg<, S.-on C.
Smirh, Benjamin R.
Smith, Ch1d•·ick A
Smnh, Trevor K.
Opl11f~lmology
Ptd~tcin
Rocliology-DugnoMic
P1yd>iarry
Tnmoional
An<11ht!.,logy
·1n1<nul Med<.,.
Pho.ht Pol ney Mtmorill Hosp11al, Albrny, GA
If/
Microu'3vology
F•mily Prmic•
Georgu BJptl)t Mcdtc:i.I Ct.nttr, ArlJmJ, GA
Ptdiatrirs
Ptd1mics
Transitional
14r,
R0tbuck, Vonda K.
Ro!ntr, Mirchtll H.
Ro•·•k1, 5tJnl<y D.
San!OO<, Sh•ryl L.
SJxen::i, S:mjeev
Schlol'b.rg, Richlrd M
.Schuro<, M>rgam L.
Mtdnl folkgo of Grorgia, Augu><~ GA
Gtttnvilk Ho.p<•I Syiotn\ Grttnvilk, SC
~I!. Srui Mtdical <;tn1n, ilwni, Fl
. Emory Un~mi1y SO~I. A1bn1~ GA
Grorgio Bap<iM M<dical Cm1n, A1bnu, GA
Indiana llnov Medial Cmm, lndionapoli>, IN
Univ of Tms Medic.d School, llOU!ton, TX
Emory Uuivm<y SOM, A1hn1a, GA
Grecnvtlk HilSpoal lymn>, Grttnvill<, SC
Wnt Virginia Univ, Clurln1on, WV
UMDNJ-RWJ i1ed School, Camden, NJ
~ledira! Colkg• of GtorgiJ, Augu1< l, GA
U11t'ftntty Ht»pi11l,Jark50n, ~fS
Nml M'dlf31 l:tnr<r, S.n Diogo, CA
Duke Univ Medtcal Ctnm, Durham, NC
Univ of CinnnnJ1i H01op1tal, Cmcmnat 1, OH
MedlClll Coll<g< ofGcorgil, Augusu, GA
Un1vm11y of Oklahoma, Oklahoma Cuy, OK
Memoml Medical Ctnter, S:Jv::1nn1h, GA
M<d1<al Coll•g• of Grorgil, Aug0>ra, GA
M<mor~I Medical C'J!!<r, Savannlh, GA
Keesler Mtd1<al C<nm, Kml<r AFB, MS
Bowman Gr:Jy/NC Baptis1 Hosp, Wiruton-S::ilem, NC
Medical Coll<ge of Gtorg;., Augu11a, GA
Ch::imnooga Uni1-Univ ofT,nness" Col of Mtd, TN
M<dical College of Georg;., Aug"''" GA
Bowman Gray/NC Bapti>r Hosp, Wm11on-Salen>, NC
Sin1i Ho1piial Bal1imott, MD
Johru Hopkins H111piral, Balrimor<, MD ·
Medical Coll•ge of Georg;., Aug0>1a, GA
• V>ndtrbilr Univmi1y Mtdical C.nm, Nllhville, TN
En>anud/Good Samariron Hosp, Ponland, OR
Medical Coll<ge of Gtorg;., Aug0>1a, GA
U of Fl Program-Shandi Hospital, Gaincsvill•, FL
lnd;.na Univ Medical C.nm, lndianapolil, IN
M<dical C.nrtt of C.nrral Gtorgio, Macon, GA
Mt1hodi11 Ho1piral, Dallas, TX
Tollah»1tt Mem Reg Med Crr, Tlllahass«, FL
Uqf FL Program-Shonds Ho1piial, Gainesvill<, Fl
Tallah""' Mem Reg Med Crr, Tlllah11see, FL
Emory University SOM, A1bnt1, GA
V::inderbil1 University Medical Center, N1Shville, TN
Medi<ll College of G<org~. Augusoa, GA
Pho.be Pum•y Memorill Hospilll, Alb>ny, GA
Si. Joseph Mercy Hospllll, Ann Arbor, Ml
Boston City Hospital, Bos1on, MA
B>ylor College of Medicine, Ho0>1on, TX
Mentori:il Medical C.nrer, Savannah, GA
Bov.•mao Gray/NC Bapris1 Hosp, Wirmon-531,m, NC
Bo~·m::in Gra.Y.INC Baptis1 Hosp, Winston-SaJ,m, NC
Yale-N,v.• Haven Hospi[::il, New HJven, CT
ln1<mll Medicin•
Psychurry
OB/GYN
Surg<ry
FamilyPnciice
Family Practice
Ptdi:uria
Ptdiatrio
Proctology
Transitional
Family Pranict
Radiology-Diagno.1•
Pedilrrio
. Surg•ry
lno<nul Medicin•
Medicine-Ptdiatrio
Tramition::il
Family Pranict
OB/GYN
f'amilyPract ic'
ln1<nul Medicine/Pr<!
Family Pr.1ctic'
P1ych~rry
Surg•ry/Prd
Surgery
lnttrnal ~ledicin</Prtl
Phys M•d & Rthab
OB/GYN
Jm,malM,d Kirl'
lntemalM,dKin'
Fa~ily Pmoct
lnturul Medicin'
Family Pranic'
Family Pr.1c1ic'
lnt,m:i.IMedKm'
Ptdiairi<s
Urology
lmem:il Medidne
Pedi:itrio
OB/GYN
p,di.mio
Jm,mal Mtdicin'
FamilyPractic'
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