Hornstein an evil ROBOT!

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Light reading for breakfast
Magazine
The Spoof’s on You.
Hornstein
an evil
ROBOT!
“I tricked all you fools!”
Shocking Details inside.
Insurance Guys are
Time Travelers!
Some Never Learn.
Jeweler invents
wedding ring that
changes color if
you cheat!
SVEJDA Has
ALIEN BABY!
Refuses to name father.
“I like creepy things.”
My Afghan Hound
Talks!
“But I don't understand a word
he's saying” declares Williams
Woman Claims
“Elvis
Impersonator
Stole My
Wig!”
Thief:“I’ll Frame Anything
That Won’t Walk Away!”
Rappaport goes on
F-word Rampage!
F
A
Executive Assistant
Belching Sword-Swallower
Shoots 73-lb.
Grasshopper, Dead! accidentally Impales Audience Member
R E A K
C C I D E N T
Felicia Paust is an expert in tracking giant insects.
Woodland Hills-Tarzana Chamber of
Commerce Executive Assistant during the
week, Felicia Paust pursues an unusual
hobby in her off time, hunting exotic prey.
“I’ve always wanted to bag an insect large
enough to feed my entire family.” says
the attractive Ms. Paust. Especially a
grasshopper. Sure, they are a little difficult
to clean, laughs
Felicia, but they
are so tasty!
Nutritious too!
And with the cost
of meat so high
these days, 50
Braised grasshopper nuggets
pounds
of lean
with garden vegetables will
surprise your guests!
grasshopper meat
goes a long way. And no, they don’t taste like
chicken, more like pork.” Contact Felicia at
the Chamber office for her special recipes.
L
AT E
B
This incredible photo was caught by our Spoof Magazine
photographer at the exact moment of impact.
Sword-swallowing promotional man, Mark
Sterling just moments
before the tragic mishap.
TRUE FACTS
An untimely meal of falafels and hummus may have
cost an unwary spectator his life and an aspiring performer an embarrassing moment. During a recent
performance of his popular sword-swallowing routine, Woodland Hills-Tarzana Chamber of
Commerce Member and Proprietor of The World’s
Greatest Promotional Stuff, Mark Sterling suffered
a gastrointestinal event that manifested itself in a
gigantic belch, sending the razor sharp weapon
hurtling into the audience and impaling an unfortunate fan. “Whoops, my bad!” declared Mr. Sterling
while the poor man’s life slipped away. “That’s the
last time I have middle-eastern food before I perform.” The deceased man’s widow did receive a
refund for the cost of the ticket. Sporting Mr. Sterling
gave her a choice between a “World’s Greatest
Promotional Stuff” T-shirt and coffee mug.
R E A K I N G
— SCIENCE CORNER —
Humanoids
Arrive on Earth!
Designer Rushed to
Emergency Room
After Viewing
Clashing Colors!
The scientific world was astounded
today when strange beings from a
planet far, far, far away landed
early this morning in the middle of
Ventura Boulevard right near the
Chamber offices. What are the odds?
The aliens are clearly very technologically advanced, evidenced by
their really cool space thingies.
In an unfortunate turn of events,
beloved designer and accomplished color consultant Andrew Graham was accidentally
exposed to an abyss of poor taste which sent him into a
coma. We wish Mr. Graham a full and speedy recovery.
Graham
AMBASSADOR COUGHS UP EMBEDDED
NAIL AFTER 35 YEARS
Astonished Patron
Demands a Nail of His Own!
Paul The Barber
Photo by Kathy Rappaport, Flash Frozen Photography
Unretouched photo
Moon Rays
Turned Me into
a Werewolf!
M
U S I C
N
E W S
Asplund Joins ZZ TOP!
David Asplund, the newest member of ZZ Top, performs with Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill and
Frank Beard on “I’m a Providence Man” to the tune of “I’m a Soul Man” at a local venue.
If you see this savage beast in your neighborhood do not approach! Call authorities!
of Providence Tarzana Medical Center,
Chamber of Commerce Chairman and
his family life, David says he will need
to drink a lot of coffee and move
quickly. This may come in handy in
distracting fans from the obvious
duplication: he plays exactly like
Dusty Hill– in fact if
you look closely you
may notice he is playing
the same guitar!
POP
LIFE
Local Historian swears she saw one strand of
Donald Trump's hair ‘actually move’
Incredible but true! This unassuming lady may have
witnessed one of the rarest events in nature: the
actual movement of one of the hairs on Donald
Trump’s head! Rose Goldwater, a leading local figure
and historian for the Woodland HillsTarzana Chamber of Commerce just hapGoldwater
pened to be in the right place at the
right time. Rose explains: “If not for the demolition
going on nearby, well, it just never would have happened. But a blast of dynamite moved one of his hairs. It
did! I saw it with my own eyes!” Rose is no stranger to
natural phenomena. Once she witnessed
Donald Trump
demonstrates his a Los Angeles Police Officer pass a donut shop without
immovable hair. even slowing down. Thanks Rose, from Spoof Magazine!
F
O R
T H E
R
E C O R D
Spoof Magazine regrets any omissions, errors, misstatements of fact, exaggeration, offensive
Next Issue:
Bigfoot kept me as a
Love Slave! Thank you
Spoof Magazine for ending my nightmare!
material or outright lies. If by some wild coincidence something of truth is found in these
pages, the publishers disclaim any and all responsibility. Any grievances may be made by writing a letter to the editor. And no, we have no intention of giving you an address. We are not
as dumb as we look, which is a good thing since we look pretty dumb. Spoof Magazine is
conceived, if that’s the word, and produced by the fabulously talented, glamorous, wealthy
and humble Stewart and Diane Deats of Deats Design, Woodland Hills, California 91364
Hot Tips? Bored? Lonely? Call us! 1-818-887-7203 ...but don’t expect much sympathy.
Photo by Kathy Rappaport
Well known author, lifecoach and facilitator Wayne M. Levine, M.A. undergoes a biological transformation when
he is exposed to moonlight. The popular member of the
Woodland HillsTarzana Chamber
of Commerce is gregarious and affable
in his normal persona. But let the
Wayne M. Levine is moonrays hit him
normally a nice guy. and look out!
Without warning he is quickly transformed into a savage werewolf, or as
he puts it “a Wayne-wolf!” He becomes
uncontrollably naughty, prowling the
neighborhood in search of unwary citizens who happen to contain blood! If
he is unsuccessful in catching one of
his hapless victims, he will resort to
stealing Pup-Peroni or Beggin Bits!
2011 Chairman of the WHTCC David
Asplund has joined that legendary little ol’ band from Texas, ZZ Top.
David is philosophical about the
group. “There were a lot of creative
differences to work out. I need the
music to have a more ‘administrative’
feel. But in the end it was meant to
be.” Asked how he will juggle tour
dates and recording sessions with his
other duties, Associate Administrator
TRUE SCIENCE
CRISIS CONTROL!
Woman Scares Off
Robber After Pulling
a Bigger Knife!
A WHTCC member has earned the nickname “Crocodile Diane” after pulling
out a blade and telling the the would-be
robber, “My knife’s better than yours.”
The hapless raider rushed upon Mrs.
Deats demanding cash and chocolates.
Mrs. Deats explained: “He said hand
over the chocolates and all your money
or you’ll get this ... and showed me a
knife. I had a
large cleaver
I keep in my
purse for situaArtist’s
tions just such
conception
as this, so I
pulled it out and
told him ‘That's
Cleaver wielding WHTCC
Board Member Mrs. Deats
not a knife, this
is a knife.’ I went after him and he ran
away, the coward!
I guess he didn’t want my chocolates
after all!” she laughed. Mrs. Deats said
family and friends were now calling her
“Crocodile Diane” or “Cleaver Gal” and
comparing her to Paul Hogan’s movie
character. She added: “I was lucky really, as it could have gone the other way,
but I think I shocked him more than he
shocked me. Let’s hope it’s put him off
and he doesn’t do it again.”
Man claims to Relieve Arthritis
Pain with Fresh Manure!
Chairman of Ambassadors for the
Woodland Hills-Tarzana Chamber of
Commerce Barry Cohn claims to have
developed a treatment for the pain of
affected for the treatment to achieve
maximum effect. Be careful if you have a
headache! And not just any manure will
do! Barry has
developed his
own special
proprietary
brand:
Barry’s Best
Therapeutic
Bull Leavins.
$10 a bag “I was going
for a downarthritis. What’s his
cure? Manure! And lots of it. Mr. Cohn home feel for the product. The ingredeclares that 82% of the subjects treated dients are tightly controlled.We don’t
get significant relief from arthritis pain. want this to fall into the wrong hands!”
Mr. Cohn admits to side effects, but con“It’s not as simple as it may sound at
tends that they are minor. “Hey,
first,” Barry explains. “It took a lot of
trial and error to develop this treatment.” I can always get a seat at a restaurant!”
Mr. Cohn emphasizes that careful appli- Mr. Cohn stresses that his product has
multiple uses, citing the long history of
cation is key. Fresh manure must be
manure in advertising and marketing.
applied directly to the part of the body
HEALTH
FRONT
Kim Jong-un Wants to Join Chamber!
It has been reported that the saucy playboy and heir
apparent to evil dictator of North Korea is exceedingly keen on becoming a member of The Woodland HillsTarzana Chamber of Commerce. Our staff members
are checking the bylaws concerning despots.
CLASSIFIED
Evil dictator confers with his “marketing director”about membership in the Woodland Hills-Tarzana Chamber of Commerce
POLITICALLY CORRECT • ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY • LANDFILL ENHANCING
Men!
Why should jocks
have all the fun?
one size
fits all
Product may vary in
any number of ways.
Underwear not included. Highly recommended for puny
earthlings.
Next Issue:
No need to exercise. New invention
eliminates the need for stressful and
repetitive workouts. Now your friends
will all be amazed by your new look.
And you can laugh at those suckers
spending all that time in the gym. Order
yours in time for summer. Can also be
used as a date on those lonely nights.
Just place your dignity in an envelope
and mail to us. (Warning: Product may
burst into flames from walking too fast.)
A Virtual Motion Picture
Deborah
Ron
Debbie
Sean
Kandis
You may not remember the names, but just try to forget their faces!
Coming soon to theaters in June, and that rhymes with moon.
Amateur Astronomer Discovers Planet Made Entirely of Moo Goo Gai Pan!
Spoof Magazine is a Bonehead Production of Deats Design
actual
photo