u - The Compassionate Friends
Transcription
u - The Compassionate Friends
Winter 2011/Spring 2012 u u u u u u u u u u Storing Your Digital Memories Drug-Death Bereaved Parents 5th TCF International Gathering/ 35th TCF/USA National Conference A Grandparent’s Grief Two Years What If? When You Stop Asking Why To My Brother Permission Granted The Eternal Legacy of Names u u u u u u u u I Celebrate Where Is My Miracle? My Worldwide Candle Lighting® Experience Mourning and Grieving Baseball and Life Book Review Happy Again! Seasoned Grievers Grief, Healing, and Time WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 1 • 1 3/5/12 10:34 AM FROM THE EXEC’S DESK When Couples Grieve I Bereaved individuals remember all too well that defining moment when their lives were forever changed. For some, it started with a knock on the door or a call in the middle of the night. For me, it was the moment of impact, the surreal sound of metal hitting metal, as my car seemed to move in slow motion to its final resting place twenty-six feet from where it began. In those days I was naive. I thought I was living in a perfect world. A great husband, two wonderful children—a little girl and a little boy. We were living the American dream. Bad things don’t happen to good people, or so I thought. So, as ambulance after ambulance arrived on the scene to treat my children and me on the first day of spring many years ago, the thought never occurred to me that my children could or would die. My mind just didn’t go there. But my five-year-old son, Stephen, did die that spring day. His eight-year-old sister, Stephanie, died a few hours later, enough past midnight to list the next day on her death certificate. The journey Wayne and I began that day impacted every aspect of our lives, including our marriage. One day we were parents with two beautiful children, and the next we were facing life alone. Together, but very much alone. For we were a bereaved couple, and would need to redefine not only who we were as individuals, but also who we were as a couple. As I was being treated in the emergency room, Wayne had the horrendous task of telling me that our son was dead and our daughter was in extremely critical condition. She was to be flown to Children’s Hospital. “Go,” I implored. “She needs you!” Within hours, he phoned to tell me the tests showed Stephanie had no brain activity. We were facing the death of our second child. Wayne went on autopilot, while I fell to pieces. He made funeral arrangements, decided on flowers for the casket, and made phone calls. When the funeral was over, we took turns in that autopilot mode, seemingly dealing We Need Not Walk Alone Now Online We are pleased to announce that, starting with this issue, TCF’s national magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, will be available to read online without charge. To sign-up for access to the magazine online, go to www.compassionatefriends.org. and review the options at the top of the page. v 2 • with life, but merely going through the motions. I sought comfort in my grief. I wanted Wayne to “fix” what had happened. I wasn’t sure how he was supposed to do that, but I By Pat Loder wanted him to fix it! Wasn’t that his job? After all, he was the husband, the protector, the great problem-solver, right? He did such a wonderful job handling everything right after the accident. Why was he now “falling down on his job”? What I didn’t realize at the time was that he was feeling the same way and asking himself the same sort of questions. How could he right this terrible wrong that had happened to us? One day Wayne looked at me with eyes pleading, begging for understanding as I bombarded him with a series of questions that had no answers. He finally broke his silence when he said, “It’s hard for me to throw you a lifeline when I’m drowning myself.” Those words became a turning point for me. Grief can be such a selfish emotion. He was hurting, too, and needed time and space and understanding, just as I did. Prior to attending Compassionate Friends meetings, we each thought the other was handling grief wrong. But we learned from others that what we were doing wasn’t wrong, it was just different. And different was okay. Wayne needed quiet time; time to think, time to be alone. He was content to sit on the riding mower, put the tractor in a low gear and slowly mow the grass, just to give himself extra alone time. He was also content to run errands so he could be alone in the car with his thoughts and feelings. I needed so badly to talk about what had happened, and I talked ad nauseam. I came to the realization that I needed to find good friends who were willing to listen instead of bombarding Wayne with my endless chatter. I had to respect that he needed time to be alone with his thoughts, and he learned that there were times he just had to let me talk about what happened and about the kids, or I was going to explode. We also needed time together, time to grieve, and time to grow as a couple. We learned as we traveled through our grief journey that the most important lesson could be summed up by the wonderful seven-letter word respect. Respect for the differences in our grief, the pain we were each going through, and the love we still had for one another. v Pat WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 2 3/5/12 10:34 AM Winter 2011/Spring 2012 Vol. 35, Nos. 1/2 What’s It All About? Features Storing Your Digital Memories By Michael Ingram ........................... Drug-Death Bereaved Parents ByWilliam Feigelman, Ph.D. ............ A Grandparent’s Grief By Donald Moyers ............................ Two Years By Kathleen Yockey ........................... Permission Granted By Trevor Van Huizen ....................... The Eternal Legacy of Names By Nita Aasen .................................... Where Is My Miracle? By Angela Brandt .............................. My Worldwide Candle Lighting® Experience By John Thayer ................................. Mourning and Grieving By Lynda Zussman ............................ Baseball and Life By Richard Carlson ........................... Seasoned Grievers By Sam Turner................................... Grief, Healing, and Time By Deb Kosmer ................................. Departments 4 5 8 9 12 13 17 21 23 26 28 29 From the Exec’s Desk By Pat Loder ..................................... Ask Dr. Gloria ................................. TCF Patron Donations.................... Friends, Caring and Sharing ......... TCF Board of Directors .................. TCF Chapter Support..................... For Brothers and Sisters What If? By T. F. McCray ................................ Ask Dr. Heidi ................................... When You Stop Asking Why By Tonya Thompson .......................... To My Brother By Natasha Noll ................................ Poetry I Celebrate By Patricia Oppenheim .................... Book Review Happy Again! By Harriet Hodgson Reviewed by Dr. Heidi Horsley ......... TCF Events TCF 35th National Conference / 5th International Conference By Wayne Loder ................................ TCF Worldwide Candle Lighting® By Wayne Loder ................................ 2 7 14 15 16 29 10 10 11 11 13 27 6 20 We Need Not Walk Alone is the national magazine of The Compassionate Friends, a mutual assistance, self-help organization offering friendship, understanding, and hope to bereaved families following the death of a child. Our mission is to assist families toward the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child of any age, and to provide information to help others be supportive. There is no religious affiliation, no membership fees or dues, and all bereaved family members are welcome. Visit TCF on the Net For further information, visit The Compassionate Friends on the Internet at www.compassionatefriends.org. The Compassionate Friends now offers an “Online Support Community.” For more information, select the Online Support Community button on TCF’s home page. TCF’s Facebook page can be reached through the link on the home page of our national website. Facebook members can also go to: The Compassionate Friends/USA. Cover photo by Dana Rogers in memory of her son Rick. The views presented within this magazine represent those of the authors and do not necessarily represent those of The Compassionate Friends. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 3 • 3 3/5/12 10:34 AM Storing Your Digital Memories ~By Michael Ingram The lives of my wife and I were forever changed on November 25, 2010. At 5:15 in the morning I got the phone call that no parent ever wants to receive. On the other end of the line, someone was telling me there had been an accident and our son was involved. I was not given any details of his condition, and we were asked to come to the hospital. Once there, we were given the news that our 23-year-old son had been killed in a head-on automobile collision. Our hearts were ripped out of our bodies, and the shock of that day remains with us. My wife and I have always enjoyed taking pictures of our kids. We have many of our son and daughter together to give to our grandkids. Our son was an athlete from a young age, and we enjoyed photographing him at Little League, high school sports, and college baseball. We have thousands of photos and many videos of him, a treasure that must never be lost. Digital photography, video recordings, and digital storage are all both good and scary. They are good because we can now capture more of our children’s activities than ever before. They are scary because digital media can and will fail; gone are all of our precious pictures, videos, and documents. Computers crash, hard drives fail, CDs/DVDs do not have the advertized life without special care, and storage standards change. There is no digital media that can be guaranteed to last forever. Weeks after my son’s passing I realized that most of our photos and videos were not safe. Our original photos were spread over several computers and vulnerable to fire and water damage. How do I protect them? I asked myself. My system is not yet perfect, but here is what I do now. I purchased three identical USB external hard drives. On one drive I backed up all of my photos, videos, and important documents from my desktop and notebook computers. Next, I used the second and third drives to make two complete copies of the first drive. I then placed drive one and drive two in separate fire-resistant waterproof safe boxes. I keep the third drive near my main desktop computer, which is where I process most of my photography. This third drive is a working backup that I can quickly connect to my desktop or other computers. New photos placed onto my computers are backed up to this drive. I regularly copy new files to the two drives that are stored in the safe boxes. Years ago I had a power supply go bad on a computer that destroyed the system hard drive, which is why I do not keep the third drive constantly connected. I like to keep it isolated from any potential problems. I am considering getting a safe-deposit box at a bank or a safe box at a friend’s house to store copies at a location away from my home. The more backups you have, the better. External hard drives have become inexpensive, and they allow for much faster backups. There is a downside. Hard 4 • drives are projected to last only five to seven years, and some can and do die quickly. One might be tempted to use only one hard drive as a backup, but if you do, your data will be at risk. Also, you can’t back up your files and then forget about it. Hard drives need to be turned occasionally to ensure that they work. Many experts recommend backing up data onto DVDs, which are projected to last 50 years, if handled correctly, (keep DVDs in a protective case out of sunlight). In practice, DVDs may last only a few years. Backing up on DVDs can also be very time-consuming. I do keep copies of the really important items backed up on DVDs. Another solution is online storage. While I do store some photos on such sites, I am not comfortable with them. First, you are allowing someone else to control your data. Second, will the sites always be there and available? And finally, will your data remain private? Even with those concerns, online storage is worth considering. External hard drives range from $40 to $100 or more, depending on size and vendor. DVDs are cheap and can be purchased on sale from $10 to $15 for a pack of 25 or 50. Online storage can range from free for limited space to $60 or more for unlimited space. The cost for a fire-resistant waterproof safe runs from $40 to $100 or more. Whatever the cost, it is very low compared to the loss of your files. The simplest way to back up files is to copy them from your computer to an external device. Copying may not be the most efficient method, but it is easy. Most image-viewing and processing programs offer a way to do backups of your photographs. There are also programs designed specifically for backups. With these programs you can schedule backups to be performed without your presence. They also allow you to back up most everything on your computer. To review: • Make backups of your precious files, photos, videos, and documents. Do not rely only on your computer. The more copies the better. Do it now. • Take steps to protect the backups. Place them in a fireresistant, waterproof safe. In addition, save a copy away from your home, in a bank safe-deposit box or at a trusted friend’s house. • Use different ways to back up the really important stuff. A combination of hard drives, DVDs, online storage, and any new technology is a good way to protect the very valuable items. Finally, I know that not all people are comfortable with doing more than basic things with a computer. If you consider yourself to be in that category, please get some help. Find that computer geek in your area, ask a family member, or get a friend to help. Your precious memories are too valuable to leave at risk. If you have questions, feel free to contact me at [email protected]. v Michael Ingram and his wife, Celia, lost their son, Michael II,in 2010 at the age of 23. They have a surviving child, Magen, who is 28 and three great-grandchildren. Michael lives in Newark, Delaware. He has a BS degree in Information Systems. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 4 3/5/12 10:34 AM Drug-Death Bereaved Parents: A Highly Stigmatized and Neglected Group of Mourners ~By William Feigelman, Ph.D. Parents losing children to a drug overdose or to a drugrelated death face unique challenges in post-loss adaptation. Based on 48 drug-death bereaved parents, 462 suicidebereaved, 37 mostly accidental deaths, and 24 natural death cases, our survey research results showed that the drug-death bereaved faced social stigmatization from family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances similar to that faced by suicide survivors, and the drug-death bereaved seemed to offer more reports of stigmatization than those whose children had died from accidents and natural causes. What sets these mourners apart from most other bereaved parents is the scarcity of drug-death-specific literature to guide them along their difficult healing journeys following their children’s deaths. After extensive searches of all online medical, psychological, and bereavement professional literature indexes, we were surprised to find only two research notes on this subject, one written by a Brazilian psychologist (based on six cases), and another by a British social worker, (based on four cases). One might erroneously conclude from the little written on this topic, that drug deaths are relatively rare events. Yet, this hardly is the case. When we examined the incidence of drug deaths among U.S. youth and middleaged populations, the evidence suggested that drug deaths easily outnumber deaths from suicide within these same age categories. However, unlike the bereaved by suicide, who may find a wide variety of articles, books, memoirs, and systematic surveys written by professionals and bereaved alike to help them adapt after their losses, the drug-death bereaved are further challenged, unfortunately, by the paucity of written materials available to guide them with their distinctive bereavement issues and needs. Following their children’s deaths, a majority of drugdeath bereaved parents are confronted with avoidance and occasional acts of outright scorn expressed toward them and their children by some of their significant others. Approximately half of the drug-death and the suicidebereaved parents reported hearing blaming comments following the death where close family members or friends blamed the deceased child or the parent for the death. It should also be noted that about half of our respondents reported receiving altogether positive responses from their significant others after the death. Among the hurtful statements reported by our respondents were: “It is almost better that Kevin died from drugs now, sparing you all the lifelong saga of his reverses and disappointments.” Or, “My priest said our daughter might not be going to heaven to live among the angels because of all the bad things she did during her life, and because she wasted her life away with drugs.” Child-denigrating statements such as these result in “disenfranchised grief,” a term bereavement professionals use to refer to people’s unsupportive responses to the bereaved after a loss, essentially claiming that the deceased is unworthy of being mourned. In other cases of blaming comments, the parent may be exposed to statements like these, which some of our respondents reported: “My ex-husband blamed me for our son’s death. He never let up on his accusations of me for not supervising our son closely enough. He even claimed I did drugs with him.” Or, “How come you didn’t get your daughter into a better treatment program?” Such parent-blaming statements add to the parent’s own feelings of inadequacy and failure to prevent the death. Any parent sustaining a child’s drug-death has repeatedly engaged in a near endless obsessional review of what they “could” and “should” have done to avoid the death. They hardly need additional reminders from others that may exacerbate their grief. Interestingly, as a contrast to the drug and suicide bereaved, none of the parents losing a child to natural causes reported hearing blaming comments and only one (out of 37) whose child died by an accident reported hearing such a comment. We asked our respondents to give us details on the troublesome responses they heard from close associates after the deaths, and we then grouped responses into seven different types. In addition to the already mentioned Blaming comments mentioned above, we add: Avoidance (e.g., “People avoided me”); Unhelpful Advice (e.g., “Isn’t it time you moved on?”; “Are you still going to that support group?”); Absence of Caring Interest (e.g., “No one asked me how I was feeling afterward”; “No one mentioned by child’s name afterward; it was as if he never existed”); Spiritual Responses (e.g., “She’s with God now”; “It was God’s will”); Miscellaneous Negative (e.g. “At least he didn’t kill anyone else when he died”; or “I know how you must feel; I felt that way when my dog died”). Our data showed a trend, with drug and suicide-bereaved reporting more negative comments heard than reported by accident- and natural-death bereaved. What was even more striking and significantly different were the reports of grief difficulties, complicated grief, post-traumatic stress, depression, and other psychological difficulties, showing higher incidences of these problems among the drug and suicide bereaved parents as compared to the accident and natural death bereaved. It was evident that these “blameworthy” subgroups of bereaved parents were not receiving the same caring and supportive responses as the accident and natural-death bereaved parents. What distressed these bereaved parents, who generally perceived themselves to be at their life’s most difficult and dreadful low point, was the absence of compassionate understanding shown by some close family members and friends. (Continued on page 7) WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 5 • 5 3/5/12 10:34 AM The CompassionaTe Friends 35th National Conference and 5th International Conference July 20–22, 2012 • Costa Mesa, California ~By Wayne Loder Public Awareness Coordinator When all is said and done, anyone attending The Compassionate Friends 2012 National Conference/5th International Conference in Costa Mesa, California, July 20– 22, 2012, should part gratified that they had the opportunity to partake of such a meaningful bereavement event. With 1,500 participants expected, the Conference Committee for the 35th National Conference has joined with TCF’s National Office staff to create what promises to be a very special event for those grieving the death of a child within the family, whether a son, daughter, sister, brother, grandson, or granddaughter. With the theme “Oceans of Love, Mountains of Memories,” this conference, probably the largest of its kind in the United States and possibly around the globe, will feature some great speakers: • Lois Duncan is the prolific and award-winning author of 48 books. But, the most difficult one she ever had to write was Who Killed My Daughter?, the story behind her search for the truth in the death of her 18-year-old daughter, Kaitlyn Arquette, in what police called a random drive-by shooting. 6 • • Kathy Eldon, journalist, author, producer, activist, and mother, found her life changed forever when her 22-year-old son, Dan Eldon, a Reuters photographer, was stoned to death by an angry mob as he did his job in Somalia in July 1993. Among her books are Angel Catcher: A Journal of Loss and Remembrance and The Journey Is the Destination. • Darcie Sims, always popular international keynote speaker, brings her wit and wisdom as a bereaved parent and certified grief management specialist to the podium in Costa Mesa. Cofounder of Grief, Inc., an international grief consulting firm, Darcie is a well-known and respected author and speaker. • The Reverend Canon Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends worldwide and bereaved sibling, will travel from his home in Moscow to share his thoughts with the large international and U.S. crowd that is expected to gather. In addition, there will be more than 100 workshops covering most areas related to the death of a child, sharing sessions, special Friday evening entertainment, a complete sibling program, a Spanish language workshop and sharing session, first-timer orientation, and plenty more. Because this is also an International Conference (generally held only about once every five years in different locations around the world), special excursions are being planned for before and after the conference so those attending may take in some of sunny California’s great attractions. “We want to invite everyone to this conference who is mourning the loss of a child within their family,” says TCF’s executive director, Patricia Loder. “Grief is a universal language and one that TCFers around the world know all too well.” The Compassionate Friends Walk to Remember® will be held at 8 a.m. Sunday morning, starting from the host hotel. Watch www.compassionatefriends.org for TCF’s online registration for the conference and for the Walk to Remember. In addition, you’ll be able to submit the names of children (without charge) to be carried by volunteers during the Walk, and you’ll also have the opportunity to create a team to participate in TCF’s “Friends Asking Friends” online fund-raising event. Teams can be from TCF chapters, families, individuals, or other groups. Watch online for more information. When you register for the conference, you can also register for the Walk to Remember. The host hotel for this event is the Hilton Orange County/ Costa Mesa, and, while TCF has arranged a room block that includes every guest room within the hotel, reservations are already the heaviest they’ve ever been at this point for a TCF conference. A recommended overflow hotel will be announced by TCF when necessary to accommodate those attending. Special conference rates are available July 17–24. For reservations call 714-540-7000, or you can reserve a room through TCF’s Online Reservations site available through the 2012 National Conference website page. v WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 6 3/5/12 10:34 AM With this issue, we introduce “Ask Dr. Gloria,” a column designed to answer questions from bereaved parents and grandparents after the death of a child. Please send your questions to the e-mail or mailing address below. ASK Dr. Gloria Question: My twenty-one-year-old son, a medical resident, accidently died by a drug and alcohol overdose. It has been 19 months and I feel like I’m going crazy. I go to work every day as a master teacher, teaching other teachers how to improve their skills. I hold it together during the day, but at night I come home and cry. My friends tell me I need professional help. What do you think? Answer: I am sorry to hear of the death of your dear son. It is so difficult to lose our children who have so much potential and so many reasons to live. Contrary to what “the world” would have you believe, 19 months is a brief time in the bereavement process. First, congratulate yourself that you are going to work every day. That is a major accomplishment after only 19 months. Bereaved parents are often surprised by how difficult the second year is. I was, even though a colleague had warned me that it would be tough. The second year is a paradox. You are actually recovering, but often feel worse. This is because you are coming out of the robotic state of shock of the first year and are now able to grasp the reality of your situation. One parent told me, “The first year you grieve for your child and the second year you grieve for yourself.” Feeling crazy and crying are normal responses. Good for you if you are holding it together during the day. If you want to cut down on your crying, you might try compartmentalizing your grief by setting aside time every evening to light a candle, play some music, and meditate on your son’s life. You could plan 20 minutes and then move on to other activities. Finally, thank your friends for their concern and remind them that grief is a process, and you have lost a lot. v Dr. Gloria Horsley, MFC, CNS, Ph.D., is the founder and president of the Open to Hope Foundation, an internationally known grief expert, psychotherapist, and bereaved parent. Gloria cohosts the Internet radio show, Open to Hope, and has authored a number of books and articles. She will be answering your questions related to loss, grief, and recovery for the bereaved adult. Please send your question to: Dr. Gloria Horsley c/o Catherine Patillo, WNNWA P.O. Box 526194 Salt Lake City, Utah 84152-6194 E-mail: [email protected] (Drug-Death Bereaved Parents, continued from page 5) We also investigated the different kinds of healing resources that bereaved parents used. Drug-death bereaved parents were most likely to use general bereavement support groups like The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents USA for help after a loss, with 85 percent reporting that they used these groups. A smaller number, about 10 percent, sought help from survivor of suicide support groups; 40 percent had sought help from clergy, and about 50 percent reported seeing bereavement or other mental health counselors. In these respects, drug-death bereaved were much like the other bereaved parents, except for the suicide survivors, who often sought help from SOS groups. There was one striking difference: the drug-death bereaved sought help more often from psychics and spiritualists at a rate of 54 percent, contrasting sharply with other bereaved parents, who averaged a 30 percent use rate. Surprised by this trend, we speculate that this may be related partly to the realities of drug use. Given the sudden and self-inflicted nature of many drug deaths, often marked by extended struggles with mental health and drug problems, parents of these children often wonder if there was a rupture in their relationship with their child. Visits to psychics may offer comforting reassurances that the parent-child bond remains intact and that both are well and continuing on with their lives in their respective places. This is an important new idea for further exploration in future research. v Those seeking further information on drug-death bereavement are encouraged to read our collaborative article: Parental Grief After a Child’s Drug Death Compared to Other Death Causes by W. Feigelman, J. Jordan, and B. Gorman, Omega. Or our forthcoming book: Devastating Losses: How Parents Cope with a Child’s Death from Suicide or Drugs, by W. Feigelman, J. Jordan, J. McIntosh, and B. Feigelman, available June, 2012 through Springer Publications. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 7 • 7 3/5/12 10:34 AM A Grandparent’s Grief: “Make the Hurt Go Away” ~By Donald Moyers “Mommy . . . Daddy, kiss it and make the hurt go away.” You probably heard it when your children were small, but if your child has experienced “the parent’s worst nightmare,” they’re going to need more help. As a family, we all live close to one another, and as grandparents, we feel so blessed and thankful to have our children and grandchildren as part of our daily lives. We share a deep bond and love with our grandchildren that is equal to if not greater than that with our own kids. Grandchildren are our reward. They are the fruit of our lives. On June 14, 2007, we lost two granddaughters. Loral was 12 years old and Macy was 14 years old. They were cousins who died in the same instant as two other kids on that fateful morning in a terrible auto/train wreck, just down the street from where we live. Each of our two sons tragically lost a daughter in that one single horrific moment. This unfortunate event, and the terror and sadness of that day changed everything forever. Since that day, my wife and I continue to dwell in a realm of sadness, grief, and longing for the girls. We are survivors, however, and know we must live life as it is presented to us each day, but this tragedy has necessitated that we now live it in such a different way. As with bereaved parents, bereaved grandparents seek and need understanding as well. I cannot speak for all grandparents, and especially those who live far away from their grandchildren, but I can say that when you raise your grandchildren, the bonds grow very deep. When you have reached the stage of life to “grandparent”, you seem to become much more active and appreciative in observing, guiding, and reliving the “wonders of a child growing up.” We have more time and we take more time for them. Our youthful years have passed, and our need for a social life is much less important. Our grandchildren are the hub of our world. As bereaved grandparents, we deeply suffered the loss of our grandchildren, but we also have had the pain of watching our sons endure “the parent’s worst nightmare.” You question what you can do to make them feel better, what you could possibly do to make the hurt go away. You wonder how you can make things all right and if there’s any way to help your children bring their lives back into a tolerable form. Each of our sons lost a daughter, which also means four of our other grandchildren lost sisters. How can we make their hurt go away? What about the aunts, uncles, and cousins? What about our daughter in laws? Aren’t we grandparents supposed to be the rock of the family? We watched our two sons independently seek grief relief, and later wind up hitting rock bottom. The imaginary grief relief led to substance abuse. Now, both have risen above 8 • the use of substances for temporary relief through intense medical, spiritual, and self-help, yet they will remain vulnerable for the rest of their lives. Both marriages ended in divorce, and one daughter-in-law has passed on. Both sons continue their lives with their surviving children, but walk the crazy road of grief each day. There is little you can do to “make the hurt go away.” As bereaved grandparents, you know that already. I think it is important to simply observe and understand your child’s outrage and their questions of “Why?” Support them through their tears, their confusion, their emotional roller coaster, their need for moments alone, their mysterious ways, their avoidance of certain gatherings, and the recognition of “that look” so deeply etched on their faces. I do not question their impatience, or their disregard for self. I just know they think differently than before. I also recognize improvements in certain values brought on by their loss. These improvements are called “blessings.” Psychiatric help and counseling may help some, but those counselors can never understand unless they are bereaved parents themselves. As bereaved grandparents involved with TCF, my wife and I have helped other bereaved parents recognize and better understand a grandparent’s pain. This recognition and understanding are therapeutic for both the parents and the grandparents. I think some grandparents often try to appear strong for their bereaved children, to the extent they find themselves caught in a place of “holding it in.” Consequently, they’re not able to grieve as bereaved grandparents really need to do. I’m not able to hide my grief. I will be forever emotionally extended beyond complete comfort, because I miss my granddaughters so much. A family must “huddle together” through all of the steps along this journey, sharing the overwhelming pain. Showing strength in such a loss might really be necessary through the funeral arrangements and the service, however, the need for this kind of strength often isn’t long-term. Could it be that displaying only strength sends a false message to the bereaved son or daughter that they also need to be strong? The grandparent’s grief is real and needs to be visible in order to let the bereaved child understand that he or she is not alone in this world and forever carrying the full load of grief. It has been more than four years since our lives changed forever. Impacts of our granddaughters’ deaths continue to play out each day. For only a lifetime, each of us will continue our quest for normal, but most important, we accept ourselves as survivors of grief, carrying our load as we trudge forth each day. Things are getting better, even if just in fleeting moments. I am soon to be 70 years old and will always live with this terrible loss, yet I still believe the “golden years” are going to be possible! v Donald is the father of bereaved sons, Dawson and Doug, and the grandfather of beloved Macy and Loral. He and his wife, Elizabeth, reside in Baytown, Texas, and are affiliated with the Galveston County Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 8 3/5/12 10:34 AM ~By Kathleen Yockey Time should be absolute, shouldn’t it? One minute is 60 seconds. One hour is 60 minutes. One day is 24 hours. It doesn’t change. It is absolutely definable. There is no variation, unless you count leap year. So why isn’t it absolute? Two years can seem like a lifetime when I think of it one way and an instant when I think of it another way. Yesterday I sent out an invitation to a memorial celebration of Michaela’s life. I wrote that it had been two years. And that stopped me in my tracks. I had to think about it. Two years? Only two years? It seems like a lifetime since I had my little girl by my side, making me laugh, telling corny jokes and making corny puns. It seems like a lifetime since that wonderful summer, just two short years ago, when she was so very happy and excited about her future. Two years has been a lifetime. A lifetime since she put on a prom dress and played in a construction zone for photos. A lifetime since we went tubing on the banana river. A lifetime since we went to a dinner theater and she ordered a beer . . . just because she could. A lifetime since she huddled over a ladybug with her best friend, trying to get a good picture. A lifetime since she wrestled with her brother on the living room floor. A lifetime since I posted “You Rock” on her Facebook page and she responded with “You Roll” on mine. A lifetime since she made her own recipe for chocolate, peanut butter, and apple tortillas. A lifetime since she started her art project to make a necklace for everyone important to her, so they would “have something that makes them think of me.” A lifetime since she went to her UCF orientation, saw her new apartment, and met her new boss. A lifetime since she crossed the stage of FSU and winked at the dean in her black robe with gold braid. A lifetime since she went to the flea market and bought beads representing everyone in her family; so she would have something to make her think of them; and a giant wrench for a photo project. A lifetime since she went shopping with her girlfriend for apartment things and bought my friend some peacock feathers, just because she remembered that I had mentioned she needed some. A lifetime since she talked her way into Disney on a military pass for free, with nothing but a letter stating her ID was confiscated as proof that she was eligible. A lifetime since she walked down the beach to Bizarro’s with her brother, sarong and beautiful blond hair blowing in the wind around her. A lifetime since she saved a frog from certain death by kitty cat in our kitchen. A lifetime since she sat at the kitchen counter filling out employment and school paperwork and asking me about insurance. And two very long years since she walked out the front door with a breezy, “Bye, I love you, I can’t wait to see your pictures.” But yet, it has only been an instant. An instant since the police pounded on our front door, ringing the doorbell frantically. An instant since I heard the words “life flight” and my heart stopped. An instant since I saw Michaela’s car, with the top cut off, sitting in the middle of the intersection just half a mile from home. An instant since we drove 70 miles an hour down Hibiscus following the police car with its flashing lights. An instant since we sat in the waiting room quietly making little jokes and remembering how many times we had scared our parents in situations like this; denying in our words what was going on behind the emergency room door, not believing for one second that anything so terrible could happen to us. An instant since we were told that all of the scenarios we had imagined and even hoped for were false. An instant since I looked at my baby girl’s face and knew she was never coming back to me. An instant since my wonderful son was doubled over in pain as he realized the same thing. An instant since her father stood over her, reading her the Bible and praying for help. An instant since her friends gathered around her bed in the middle of the night to tell stories and sing songs to her. An instant since we spoke to the organ donation coordinator and then held hands and prayed for mercy. An instant since I stood at her bed, staring at the respiration monitor, knowing its steady beep meant that she had stopped trying and we were to be spared having to decide for her. An instant since my mother cut her hair for donation to Locks of Love and she was taken away from me for the last time. And the next two years and the two years after that, and the two years after that, and all the years to come until God’s will is to reunite us, will be a lifetime without my baby but also, just an instant. And then will come forever. v Kathleen Yockey (mother of Michaela Thomas 1988–2009) lives with her husband, Bill, in Melbourne, Forida. She is an office manager and publishes her blog, Angels Cry Too: Life Death, and Beyond; Thoughts of a Grieving Mother. Kathleen can also be reached at [email protected]. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 9 • 9 3/5/12 10:34 AM FOR BEREAVED SIBLINGS What If? ~By T. F. McCray We followed a silver Mustang to New York on Friday. My mother and I. Traveling from my home farther south. The boys buckled tightly in the back. It had black stripes on the hood and the windows were too dark to see inside. Like his. We joined minds, spoke without speaking, and imagined the unimaginable. That he was still here. That it was his. His Mustang, zipping up and down the Belt Parkway in Canarsie, in Flatbush, in his Brooklyn. Visiting this and that, her and her, blasting his music, picking up the pieces, the bits, for the collection, for his soul. We imagined, jointly. It’s like we both heard the whisper; a soft, silent whisper, “What if?” “What if?” it said. What if October 22, 2009, never was? The cloudless sky on that sunny, sorrowful, unexpected day. The day my ASK Dr. Heidi brother’s soul ended its tangible journey beside us. The day that concluded us as we were and began us as we are. “What if?” we whispered. He whispered. What if . . . he was here all along? What if it was as simple as catching up to him on his drive? What if we would find him watching a waterfall in Saratoga? Eating a Klondike bar in Elmont? Outside of a repair shop, getting a car service that took a little too long. Or what if we found him parked in my mother’s driveway in Queens at home? At home . . . What if we had just been blinded by a bizarre streak of glaring sunlight? Cast from a low-flying plane? It was possible because we grew up by the airport. What if we had missed him standing there all along, and that man we watched leave us on 10/22 wasn’t my brother at all? It was someone else’s brother, someone else’s son, someone else’s . . . What if when the glare cleared he would appear? Smirking. Buffing a small fingerprint from his sideview mirror and walking over to us with his heavy steps to make some joke about the latest current event. What if we had another chance to kiss his warm cheeks and cover him in our embrace? Make my mother smile again . . . from the inside? What if he could tickle my sons and meet my dear Wesley, his namesake? (Continued on next page) Question: My 26-year-old brother died of a drug overdose three years ago. We were very different and argued a lot, although we’d eventually get over our disagreements. The night before he died we got into a huge fight. If I could take back that night I would. How do I stop replaying this argument over in my head and stop feeling like the worst brother in the world? Answer: Individuals may be ambivalent about their relationships in life, but in death the power of their bond strangles the surviving heart. Death reminds us that we are part of the same river, the same flow from the same source, rushing towards the same destiny. Were you close? Yes, but we didn’t know it then.” Landscape Without Gravity ~By Barbara Lazear Ascher Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD., is a bereaved sibling, as well as a psychologist. She is the executive director of the Open to Hope Foundation, cohost of the Open to Hope program, and an adjunct professor at Columbia University. She will be answering your questions related to loss, grief, and recovery for siblings. Please send your question to: Dr. Heidi Horsley c/o Catherine Patillo, WNNWA P.O. Box 526194 Salt Lake City, Utah 84152-6194 E-mail: [email protected] 10 • As siblings we have complicated relationships that change over time. Disagreements are a part of the sibling bond. Our siblings serve as role models, confidants, and rivals. Even in the best of sibling relationships, it is completely normal to argue. Siblings are family and we know they will always be there for us; therefore, they are safe people to have disagreements with. We are freer to express with our siblings our thoughts and feelings because we are not dependent on them, and they are not authority figures. The difficulty in this situation is that your brother died before this conflict could be resolved. However, as you pointed out, if you had been given time, you and your brother would have eventually resolved your disagreement. Just remember, if you hadn’t loved your brother, you wouldn’t have invested any energy in this relationship. Just the fact that you feel guilty about this argument means that you cared deeply for your brother. The sibling bond lasts an eternity and is strong; it can weather any storm. What is important going forward is to honor and pay tribute to your brother’s memory by living your best life. v WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 10 3/5/12 10:34 AM When You Stop Asking Why ~By Tonya Thompson All these emotions, change by the moment. Stuck in time, inside my mind. Shifting tides changed my life. Tore me apart, and broke my heart. But when you stop asking why, Then you can start to say goodbye. The pain will only hold you there, And never get you anywhere. And so I must go on with life. That I cannot sacrifice. And I will hold you in my heart, As I make this brand-new start. Precious memories, Can I take them with me? Oh, they hurt, oh so deeply. But they were true, and they were mine. And I can’t erase time. Can’t change the past to ease the pain, And so they must always remain. And when you stop asking why, Then you can start to say goodbye. The pain will only hold you there, And never get you anywhere. And so I must go on with life. That I cannot sacrifice. And I will hold you in my heart, As I make this brand-new start. Curtains open, I step forward. Take a breath, to see what’s left. Arms wide open, No more trembling. Brace my heart, for this new start. And when you stop asking why, Then you can start to say goodbye. The pain will only hold you there, And never get you anywhere. And so I must go on with life. That I cannot sacrifice. And I will hold you in my heart, As I make this brand-new start. v In honor of my older brother, Randal Wagoner Jr., who passed in January, 2011, at the age of 41. To My Brother ~By Natasha Noll A laugh when I was crying A giggle when I needed it A good reality check when I was being dumb The truth even when I didn’t want to hear it This is what you gave me You gave me a person I could laugh with A person that I could fight with A person that could make anybody laugh A person that could make the sun shine on a gloomy day This is the person you gave me Fear for where your life was going Fear of what might happen to you Fear of how deep you were getting into it Fear that I might lose you This is the fear you gave me Hurt when you would tell a lie Hurt when you would think I believed you Hurt when you would blow off plans Hurt when you would use me This is the hurt you gave me Sadness when you let the drugs take your life Sadness when you left me here Sadness when I realized I won’t ever see your face again Sadness when I realized you won’t ever make me laugh again This is the sadness you gave me Memories of playing together when we were little Memories of serious talks together Memories of making each other laugh when we were down Memories of hugs and comfort These are the memories you left with me v ~ For Justin and others who’ve lost loved ones to substance abuse. (What If?, continued from previous page) We raced alongside that silver Mustang. Watching and waiting, wondering and willing, wondering and willing . . . life. We wondered, What if? We tried desperately to mask the quick sounds of our breaths as we chased this dream. We chastised our souls for wanting to bound toward him and dance in the unimaginable. To morph what wasn’t into what is and make this impossible our possible. But it wasn’t . . . The universe curses us with unexplained gifts. That driver snuck off at an exit before we could see for ourselves, before we could answer, before we could reason . . . but left us . . . imagining, even for that moment, that second, in that small slither of unmovable, imaginable, glorious, beautiful space . . . What if? v T. F. McCray is a lawyer, freelance writer, and married mother of two. She is a native of New York and currently residing in Maryland. She lost her brother Thomas Wesley Higdon Jr. at the age of 38 on October 22, 2009, from congestive heart failure. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 11 • 11 3/5/12 10:34 AM ~By Trevor Van Huizen I am the father of four beautiful boys: one who is going to college, 11-month-old twins, and my darling son Diego, who is currently being babysat by God. As a father of four, I am pulled in several directions at any given time. For instance: my oldest asks for advice, the twins require endless entertainment, and my sweet Diego, often receives the most attention—at least in my head. Why? Because I am constantly reminded I will not see him when I get home in the evening. His absence enters my mind at the most inappropriate times; for instance, at a stop- light, mingling with friends, or showing houses to a client—the list goes on and on. Of course, this reminder often accompanies a multitude of emotions, which may or may not make me get choked up. If this happens, then I have the daunting decision of whether or not I need to explain what I am feeling or just try to cover it up. If I do share, it often turns awkward, and the other person often does not realize silence is okay. They feel the need to say something, like the nails on a chalkboard phrase, “At least he’s in a better place.” Of course I want to lash out at them, screaming, “There is no better place for a baby but in his parent’s arms.” But I smile and just remember they haven’t experienced such a tragic loss as I, and for that I am grateful. No matter what the dialogue turns into, I feel the pain of a dagger in my heart for a short time. Grief has changed me at my core without permission. Since Diego’s passing, I see the world much differently. I find I drive more conservatively, spend more time with family, and just appreciate life more. I have also noticed that when I talk to those I love, I do it with more compassion. I try to notice the small things, like the clouds in the sky, or the birds 12 • flying around. Although in the end, these gifts do not stop the overwhelming questions, like, Why did this have to happen to me, my wife, and my beautiful son? Why did it happen to all these seemingly good people who also attend grief meetings? Did we do something wrong in the eyes of our Creator? Did we in some way create this karma that frowns upon us? Why? Why? Why? There can be never-ending questions. After the “Why me?” questions retreat, the “Now what?” questions develop. Since I have lost a child, now what? How am I supposed to act? What do I tell others who ask uncomfortable questions? Is my main responsibility to support my wife in her grief? I understand I must grieve, but can I put a time frame on it? When should I be over this? With all this running through my head, the chaotic emotions demand to be released. After all, my heart was pulled from my body with the force of a jackhammer. At first I was convinced I couldn’t go on, that life had ended. The sun would rise another day, but my head would not. People who smiled at me were silently damned. All I really wanted to do was die. I had been beaten so severely to a state of submission that I allowed my higher power to carry me; I couldn’t walk, talk, or even think without support. The days would come and go, but they all meant nothing. I needed help and fast. But I am a man, you know, a manly man; one who likes power tools and working outside. One who grew up on a farm working the fields and baling hay. Men don’t cry, so I was told. I remember my older cousin telling me, “If you want something to cry about, I’ll give you something to cry about.” In spite of my manliness, I was forced to confront myself All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Henry Ellis and realize that under this skin I am only human. After all, I did lose my son, whom I love very much. As with any father, I had untamed expectations of raising him: his first smile, first step, playing T-ball, starting kindergarten, pimples, first girlfriend, and the list goes on ceaselessly. After all, it’s the progression of life, isn’t it? A constant reminder every time I see children who are the age Diego would be. In my own grief walk I have found there isn’t a magic pill to determine a timeline of raw pain. As a father who longs for his missing son, I have been robbed of the only thing a parent wants for his child: to protect him at all costs. Consequently, my heart has been stolen and my mind turned to mush. I don’t want to feel this way! Then again, I don’t want to feel most of the time now. Although I know I will always miss my son, I have learned a form of acceptance I didn’t know was possible. Others have walked before me have often said, “If you don’t face your grief, it will wait for you until you are ready.” These words sank in quickly, I knew one fact: I didn’t want to feel this way forever. Therefore, I gave myself permission to grieve. Things I lived for before have lost (Continued on the page 17) WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 12 3/5/12 10:34 AM ~By Nita Aasen When people reference a deceased person, it is not unusual to hear his or her name referred to in the past tense. For example, upon learning that two of my sons are deceased, I have been asked “What were their names?” The hair immediately stands up on the back of my neck as I use the present tense and say (while trying to conceal my irritation), “Their names are Erik and David.” While it is indisputable that death takes away the physical relationship with one’s loved one, death cannot take away the spiritual relationship we continue to have with them, nor can death take away their name. Their name becomes the living reference point for our relationship with them throughout their lives and following their deaths. Upon a person’s birth (or perhaps before), the first gift one’s parents give to their newly born son or daughter is a name. In making that choice, different options for the first and middle names may be written out to see how they look with the last name. Or perhaps these names were spoken out loud in order to hear which combinations sounded the best. Many times it is important that a child’s name have a family connection. Much love, thought, and time are typically spent in choosing a name that gives one’s son or daughter a space and place in the world that is just for them. From the very beginning of our lives, our names are linked eternally with a specific family. Over time, our names serve as an historical framework for our developmental progress, our medical records, school records, work performance, and leisure and civic interests. References to one’s personal characteristics, personality, reputation, character, and contributions to make this world a better place are inevitably linked to one’s name. There is simply no other efficient or meaningful way to make the connection. One’s name becomes a kind of shorthand that serves as a starting point for conversations about an individual’s specific attributes. Following a loved one’s death, his or her name makes it possible to continue to share stories, tributes, and memories; to plant trees, give awards, or do acts of kindness in their honor. Decades or even hundreds of years after an ancestor’s death, families wanting to connect with their family roots could not begin their search without a name. The documentation of one’s name available in numerous records—birth, death, marriage, church, cemetery, plat books, obituaries, pictures, old letters, and many more—connects descendants to other missing puzzle pieces and leads them to many other names and stories in their family tree. A poem by John Rezmerski, professor at Gustavus Adolphus College, was written as a living tribute to the thousands of patients who were interred on the grounds of the state hospital for the “insane” in St. Peter, Minnesota. The graves were marked with numbers instead of names. More than a hundred years later, markers with names have gradually been placed above the numbers. Following is a portion of that poem: A name is a seed that encases a whole tree, the memory of a whole species. Our names say: “However different This individual is of our kind.” That kindness makes us whole. As long as documentation exists, the kindness that is inherent in one’s name, and is symbolic of our loved ones, lives on eternally in this world. Yes, my sons’ names are Erik and David—forever. v Nita’s sons, Erik (27) and David (25), were killed in a car accident on November 14, 1994. She does not have a local chapter, but she has found support in TCF through We Need Not Walk Alone and the national conference. I Celebrate ~By Patricia Oppenheim I celebrate the dust that has grown between the cracks of my shattered heart I celebrate my brain, which has dulled the pictures of your tiny arms wrapped around my neck I celebrate the incessant busyness of life, which has diverted my obsessive, morose longing for you I celebrate my friend, who has planted tulips in your honor on this day for fifteen years I celebrate my own strength, the depth of which I never fathomed or tapped I celebrate my need to be a mother to my son, who was equally wounded I celebrate the love of my husband, who was drowning in tears next to me I celebrate the three short years that you graced and enriched our lives But most of all I celebrate you—overflowing with love, tenderness, and generosity Happy 19th birthday, Elena. v Patricia Oppenheim is a child psychologist from Bellevue, Washington, who will forever be Elena and Ian’s mother. She joined Compassionate Friends soon after Elena died in 1996, at age three, from a brain tumor. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 13 • 13 3/5/12 10:34 AM With sincere gratitude and deep appreciation, we acknowledge the generosity of the following individuals and organizations for their gifts to The Compassionate Friends. Your commitment and support are essential to fulfilling our mission. The following patron donations were received between October 1, 2011, and January 31, 2012. Simon Stephens Founder’s Circle ($10,000+) Gloria and Phil Horsley in memory of Scott Preston Horsley National Rural Carriers Association Auxiliary The Presidents Circle ($5000–$9999) Paula Rosina Santoro Foundation in memory of Paula Rosina Santoro Circle of Love ($2500–$4999) Debbie and Dale Dullabaun in memory of Dale Lee Dullabaun III Kitty Edler in memory of Mark and Rich Edler Erik Hoffmann and Nadezhda Kavrus-Hoffmann in memory of Anders Hoffmann and Neil A. Hoffmann Circle of Hope ($1000–$2499) Marcia and Roger Alig in memory of Daniel Pritchard C. Alig Barbara and Tom Allen in memory of Jim and Jessie Stallings, Bill Andrews, John Roger Thomas, Amanda Fancher; and in honor of all the good work TCF does Denny and Gary Berry in memory of Benjamin Berry CapitalOne Kathy and Chuck Collins in memory of Tiffanie Amber Collins Paige and Steven Czirr in memory of Laura Abigail “Abby” Czirr; and in honor of Joann Czirr’s birthday Jean and Richard Dew in memory of Bradley Morris Dew Exel North America, Inc. Alfred Koplin Patricia and Wayne Loder in memory of Stephanie and Stephen Loder Tanya and Glen Lord in memory of Noah Thomas Emory Lord Nahma Sandrow Meyers and William Meyers in memory of Isaac Jacob Meyers Kathleen and David Pellegrin in memory of George Arthur Pellegrin Jamie Pumpelly in memory of Jamie Alexandra Grimsley Phyllis, Larry, and Greg Rosenthal in memory of Scott Rosenthal John Santoro and Pam Bennett-Santoro in memory of Paula Rosina Santoro; and in honor of Mike and Martha Santoro, Dan Santoro, and Steve and Tina Bennett Mickey and Steven Schmeisser in memory of Melissa and Emily Schmeisser Mark Tabak Charitable Lead Trust in memory of Mark Tabak Circle of Caring (500–$999) Patricia Chiota and Richard G. Payne in memory of Kendra Chiota Payne Georgia and Bruce Cockerham in memory of Zachary Owen Ward Brian Donohue in memory of Jack Donohue Carol and Arthur Ehde in memory of Pamela Ranae Lais Mark Gedlinske in memory of Justin Lee Clayton Heidi Horsley in memory of Scott Preston Horsley iGive.com Infosurv, Inc. 14 • Maryland Charity Campaign Ellen and Richard Mirabile in memory of Richard Jr. and Lynn Mirabile John Parachini and Hadley Boyd in memory of Lyles V. Parachini Ralph L. Rossi and June M. Rossi Charitable Foundation, Inc. in memory of Michael Vincent Sage Karen Snepp in memory of Dave Snepp Sue and Karl Snepp in memory of Dave Snepp and Dorothy Pellegrin Pam Stephenson in memory of T. Michael Stephenson, MD Louann and Scott Tedrick in memory of Bobby Brayer GiGi and Ric Trentman in memory of Cecilia Ann Trentman Nivia Vázquez in memory of Jose “Yoito” Barreto Vázquez Susan and Seldon Whitaker in memory of Laura R. Whitaker Circle of Support ($200–$499) Eric Allen and Cristina Canle in memory of Xavier Joseph-Canle Allen Sherrie and George Barfield in memory of Brad Barfield Angie Barton in memory of Denver Daniel Parvin Ann and Michael Beatty in memory of Matthew Beatty Mary and Doug Bedore in memory of Joel Bedore Karen and John Benskin in memory of Heather Benskin and in honor of the wedding guests of the Ogden-Benskin wedding Kay and Rodney Bevington in memory of Rhonda Kay Bevington Anne and Robert Bourne in memory of Robert A. Bourne III and Jonathan M. Bourne Victoria Bradshaw in memory of Jeremiah Cole Bradshaw Joan and Bill Campbell in memory of Lesley Michelle Campbell Susan and Gary Chan in memory of Rachael Reneé Chan Rekha Chandra in memory of Nayan Chandra John Coggins in memory of John Coggins III Sarah and Daniel Collins in memory of Margaret Mutschler Carney Robin Costa in memory of Noah Samuel Grindstaff Costa DAS Distribution, Inc. in memory of Melissa C. Galka Mr. and Mrs. DeVoe in memory of Brian Alexander DeVoe Ann Dix in memory of Philip Dix Helen Ford in memory of Thomas Stewart Ford Charlotte and Scott Frewing in memory of Ella Hoelscher Carolyn Friedlander-Haas in memory of Robert Christopher and Robin Carol Friedlander Priscilla Fung and Rob Mellencamp in memory of Dorothy Pellegrin Peggy and David Gibson in memory of Paige Gibson Give With Liberty Maria Grau in memory of Evan Grau Adele Grubbs in memory of Alexis Grubbs Ursula and Ron Hall in memory of Lisa Marie Hall Nena Herrick in memory of Steven Michael Herrick and John Patrick Reilly; and in honor of John and Bridge Reilly, Bill McGowan, and John Dunn Patricia, Burt, and Ian Hovander in memory of Sasha Kolde Robin Jens in memory of Ty Jens Barbara and Mickey Johnson in memory of Sandy Johnson Margaret and Jeffery Johnson in memory of Jordan McLeod Johnson Patty and Mark Johnson in memory of Matthew Elizabeth Kestler in memory of Alexander W. Leonard Ann Kimtantas in memory of John Charles Kimtantas The Knapp Family in memory of Russell Knapp Mr. and Mrs. Knight in memory of Klara Morgan Knight Ellen and Tom Komadina in memory of Ann Michelle Komadina Allan Korsower in memory of Sgt. Jason S. Korsower Irene and Edward Kostetsky in memory of Daniel Kostetsky Theresa and David Langer in memory of Sarah Elizabeth Langer Chris Leiter in honor of Ben Sieff Marie and Phil Levine in memory of Peter Adam Levine Reva and John Lizzadro in memory of James “Chris” Lizzadro Diane and Keith Loder in memory of Stephanie and Stephen Loder (continued on page 16) Our Apologies . . . Due to an error on our part, a generous donation by Kitty Edler, in memory of Mark and Rich Edler, which should have been included in the Circle of Love donor category, was unintentionally excluded from donor lists published in We Need Not Walk Alone. We wish to extend our deepest apologies to Kitty for this oversight and thank her for her continuing support! WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 14 3/5/12 10:34 AM FRIENDS, CARING AND SHARING 2012 National Conference/International Gathering– Costa Mesa, California The Compassionate Friends National Conference plays host to TCFers from around the world for an International Gathering this July in Costa Mesa, California. Great speakers and entertainers will be combined with a myriad of talented workshop presenters. The actual conference, which runs from July 20 through July 22, will offer pre- and post-events. One of the pre-events will be a Spanish-language workshop and sharing session conducted on Thursday. Watch TCF’s website at www.compassionatefriends.org for the most up-to-date information. Board of Directors Election Slate The TCF Board of Directors has approved the following slate of candidates for the 2012 Board of Directors election: Barbara Allen, Ellicott City, Maryland Joan Campbell, Waxahachie, Texas Georgia Cockerham, Brookings, Oregon Chuck Collins, Fairfax, Virginia Brian Janes, Olathe, Kansas Ann Khadalia, Concord, California From the above slate, three people will be elected. Candidates were selected based on their TCF activities and involvement; distance from their immediate grief; time and energy to work with the board and public in the implementation of the goals of the organization; skills in the areas of particular interest to the board’s future development; and geographic location. New Chapters We welcome the following recently chartered chapters: TCF of Middlesex County ~ Middletown, Connecticut TCF of Apopka ~ Apopka, Florida TCF of Clark County ~ Marshall, Illinois TCF of Southwest Iowa ~ Avoca, Iowa TCF of Western Kentucky ~ Paducah, Kentucky TCF of Bellefonte ~ Bellefonte, Pennsylvania TCF of the Susquehanna Valley ~ Danville, Pennsylvania TCF of West Texas ~ Odessa, Texas Recently Reorganized: TCF of Durango ~ Durango, Colorado TCF of Niceville ~ Niceville, Florida TCF Savannah ~ Savannah, Georgia TCF of Toombs County ~ Vidalia, Georgia Sponsor the National Office for a Week The services provided by the National Office are free to all who need them, and in this spirit, we are providing the opportunity for those who believe in our mission to help us financially by sponsoring the National Office for a week. By participating in this new program, you can “Sponsor the National Office for a Week” in memory of your child, sibling, grandchild, relative, or friend. Sponsorships are $150 each, and we will accept up to two sponsors each week. Sponsors will have the opportunity to have a picture of their loved one on the TCF national home page, with a picture and story about their loved one on an inside page. This program will need your support to be successful. Chapter Leadership Training Programs This year we will again provide a unique opportunity for chapter leadership to attend a Chapter Leadership Training Program (CLTP) at the National Conference. A full-day CLTP will be held Thursday, the day before the conference starts. To assist with the extra day’s hotel room cost, we will waive the conference registration fee for one person from each participating chapter. The program will begin at 8:00 a.m. and run until 5:00 p.m. Breakfast and lunch will be served to the participants. Sorry, no on-site registration will be available. Two additional Chapter Leadership Training Programs will be held in 2012: May 18–20: Chicago, Illinois Autumn: To be announced Registration forms are sent to all chapters for these programs and will also be available on the Leadership website. Webinars The Compassionate Friends is now offering monthly webinars on grief- related subjects as a service to our membership. A library of previous webinars is maintained on The Compassionate Friends website. For times and listings of upcoming webinars, visit www.compassionatefriends.org. Past webinars include: “Handling Grief through the Holiday Season,” “Getting Stuck and Unstuck,” and “Caring for Your Health While Grieving.” Facebook Join TCF on Facebook for extra support between chapter meetings. Respond to the post of the day, visit the discussion boards, or give and receive support to those grieving the death of a child. We are almost 32,000 members strong. We also have a Spanishlanguage Facebook page, Los Amigos Compasivos/USA! Walk to Remember® Fund-raising Opportunity The opportunity is again available this year to participate in the Friends Asking Friends fund-raising opportunity. Participants can build a website honoring their own child or a website for all the chapter’s children with proceeds going to the local chapter. With a minimum of effort you can raise a substantial amount of money for TCF. Watch TCF’s website for information. The program will begin in March. v WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 15 • 15 3/5/12 10:34 AM The Compassionate Friends Board of Directors Patrick O’Donnell President Westland, MI Georgia Cockerham Vice President Brookings, OR Dale L. Dullabaun Jr. Treasurer Los Angeles, CA Nivia Vazquez Secretary Guaynabo, PR Patricia Loder Executive Director Oak Brook, IL Chuck Collins Fairfax, VA Steven Czirr Spring Hill, TN Ann Hood Providence, RI Heidi Horsley New York, NY Glen Lord Nashua, NH Tracy Milne, Sibling Rep. Bonita Springs, FL John Santoro Morristown, NJ Steve Schmeisser DePere, WI Correspondence for the Board of Directors should be sent to the board president at [email protected] or mailed to 37758 Marquette, Westland, MI, 48185. v 16 • (Patrons, continued from page 14) Peggy Lovering in memory of Lee Steven Lovering Lillian Broox Manis Foundation in memory of Lilli Manis Judy McDonald in memory of Darren Kyle McDonald Miriam and Kenneth McLellan in memory of Donald and Marilyn McLellan Robert Meganck Barbara Meislin–The Purple Lady Fund in memory of Ann Ladd; and in honor of Catherine Patillo and Pat Loder The Merrifield Family in memory of Nikolas Merrifield Kathy and Steve Miller in memory of Samuel Miller Peggy Monarch in memory of John Monarch Elder Jeanne and Tom Morse in memory of Jennifer M. Jacobi Kathy Pender in memory of Michael James Pender Carmen and Jeff Pope in memory of Tom and Christopher Pope Melissa Price in memory of Joshua Lynn Humphreys Linda and Stephen Quinn Carol Rhodebeck in memory of Melvin Heckert, Drake Heckert, Chas Wachtel, and Steve Burge Karen and David Rosenthal in memory of Rebekah Arlene and Robert Ruggiero in memory of Brenda Joan Ruggiero Sharm Scheuerman in memory of Rodney Thein Wilbert Schmidt in memory of Fredrich A. Schmidt Sandy and Peter Sears in memory of Amy Marie Sears Georgia and Hank Sheer in memory of Erin Abigail Sheer Marian and Blaine Shull Sharon and Jim Sims in memory of Jeffery Sims Susan and John Stanfield in memory of Kelly and Erin Stanfield Greg Stewart in memory of John Protiva Shari and Kurt Streutker in memory of Celeste Streutker Irene and Robert Thornton in memory of Patrick Shinoda Thornton United Way Donors Robert Vaught Jania and Tom Wagenknecht in memory of Carl Wagenknecht Frances and Ted Wampler in memory of Mary Lee Wampler Carol and Carl Wojciechowski in memory of Adam Wojciechowski Merle and Donald Young in memory of Sean Young Circle of Friends ($50–$199) Nita and Paul Aasen in memory of Erik and David Aasen Barb and Bob Adams in memory of Robert Adams Charlotte Addington in memory of Mary Shawn Addington Kathleen and John Affeldt in memory of Joshua Crawford Sharon Ahnert in memory of John F. Ahnert Sherri Altman in memory of Jessie Sierra Altman Sheri Amato in memory of Eric James Kalber Nancy Amstad-Hite in memory of Seth H. Martin Harla and Peter Anderson in memory of Cody Tyler Anderson Leona Anderson in memory of Roderick Lavon Anderson and Wyatt Michael Rose Maureen and Roger Anderson Sharon and Scott Anderson in memory of Ashton Faye Anderson Joyce and Basil Andrews in memory of Rhonda L. Andrews, Dorothy Pellegrin, and Dale Billeaud Mary Ellen and John Ankeney in memory of Megan Ankeney Marge and Steve Anzalone in memory of Jenny Anzalone Debbie, Jeff, Katie, and Matt Appell in memory of Dale Dullabaun III Marie and Barbara Arch in memory of Rich Molnar Karen and Dale Arnott in memory of Laura Kay Arnott Helen Arsenault in memory of Gary E., David D. and Traci L. DeMoura, and Matthew Arsenault Amparo Atencio in memory of Tony Phillips Jim Atkinson in memory of Steve Fullen Cathy and Carl Baab in memory of Colden Baab-Bernard Robin Baer in memory of Samantha Rose Baer Claudia Baggerly in memory of Jess Baggerly Carole and Henry Bailey in memory of Matthew John Bailey Renee and Earl Bailey in memory of Melissa Renee Bailey Wolfram Elizabeth Barbera Sharon Barger in memory of Bradley Ray Meisenbach Vicky Barney in memory of Ann Jeanette Bartlett Gail Bartley in memory of John David Stacy Michelle Bartolomei in memory of Carina Hope Bartolomei Pat Barwood in memory of Kevin Allen Barwood Sonya Batten in memory of Aaron S. Lopp Sandy Baumann in memory of Colette Baumann Betty Bechel in memory of Jason Bechel Marilyn and Jim Belanic in memory of Katie Belanic Julia and Kyle Bell in honor of the Fryer Family Marsha and Lee Bell in memory of Marleea Anne Bell Gerfen Janice Bergh in memory of Christopher Robin Wibeto Lawrence Bergstresser in memory of Emma Grace Elnicki Joyce Berry in memory of Scott Eric Miller Libby and Danny Berry in memory of Christopher Shawn Berry, Luke Shaun Hilton, and Todd Tyler Christmas Matt Bevenour in memory of Maggie Bevenour Sarah and John Bible in memory of Melissa Bible; and in honor of Laura and Samantha Bible Jane Bielecki in memory of Brian J. Bielecki (Continued on page 18) WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 16 3/5/12 10:34 AM Where Is My Miracle? ~By Angela Brandt While in chat the other night someone asked the question, “Where was my miracle?”in regards to losing their child. My thoughts have been consumed by that question ever since. What is a miracle? I had to go look it up in the dictionary and this is what I found. Miracle: 1. an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause. 2. such an effect manifesting or considered as a work of God. 3. a wonder; marvel. 4. a wonderful or surpassing example of some quality. In thinking about this more, I wondered who is even deserving of a miracle. Am I deserving? I would love to say that I am, but I don’t believe that to be true. Do I believe that I’m a good person? Yes, but that depends on who you would be comparing me to. Am I more deserving than any other person out there? No. I have come to realize that I’ve been looking at this question all wrong. First, I was thinking of miracles happening only on a grand scale, the kind that affects many people. Not all miracles need to be on a grand scale. Second, I was thinking that miracles only revolved around religion. I was figuring that without “religious faith,” there could be no miracle. With this insight, I began to think back on my life. November 14, 1998, holds very little meaning for most people. For me, it is the day that I began my journey as a mother. Conceiving a child happens every day for many people and wouldn’t necessarily be thought of as a miracle. As I was on birth control at the time, the chance that I would become pregnant was small, but when you also consider that we used a condom, the chances of conceiving a child were next to impossible. Yet the impossible seemed to happen: a miracle. April 16, 2005; yet another day that is meaningless to most people. However, what was said would never happen, did happen. Doctors had always told me that Lily would never be able to walk on her own, but on this day, she proved them all wrong. Lily didn’t just take one or two steps she walked across an entire room. She walked to me. The emotions of seeing Lily do this brought me to my knees. What most parents take for granted was something I believed would never happen for my child. Words escaped me and all I had were tears of joy. I was in awe over what I had just seen: a miracle. Lily was a child who was never meant to survive. No matter what I did or how much I loved her, I could never change that fact. For a little over ten years, every night when I would put Lily to bed, the question was always lurking in the back of my mind: Would this be the night that I lose her? In the morning when I went to wake her up, I’d find the answer. For a little over ten years, I was greeted by Lily’s bright blue eyes and a smile; her laughter as I lifted her out of bed to hug her close to me. Every morning that this happened was a miracle. This all brings me back to the original question, “Where is my miracle?” The answer for me would be, “Buried in a cemetery.” Lily was and always will be my miracle. Was I deserving? Probably not, but Lily is the only one who can answer that question. v Angela Brandt was blessed to have her precious angel Lily Johnson, “my munster,” for a little over ten years. She opted to be Lily’s full-time caregiver, as she had many medical issues related to a genetic disorder, partial monosomy 21q. Angela currently lives in Minnesota and is involved with the TCF online support chat room.You can reach her at [email protected]. Permission Granted, continued from page 12) meaning. People I thought were my closest friends have grown distant. My wife and I don’t get along like before. Countless others who have walked a path of grief tell of similar pain and experiences that burn in their souls, too. I learned something else as well: men who don’t cry suffer much longer than those who do. My wife and I started going to support meetings. Afterward, I drank plenty of water to replenish my body from crying so much. And after a while I realized that these support meetings were helping, but they weren’t enough. I needed to keep my son’s name alive and honor his memory. Subsequently, I created a large memorial website. This allowed me to sit in front of my computer for hours reliving the short 24 hours we had together. The grief website forums were a lifeline as well. I could read others’ grief stories until my eyes hurt too much to continue. I also reached out to others who desired the same support as I. I had to come to terms with the fact that the world still turns after Diego’s death. I have found that acceptance is the answer to all my problems. There is no amount of anger that will bring Diego back. That being said, for me, I try to live more in the now and less in the past or the future. I once heard, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a present.” Daily, I unwrap my present and reflect on the past 24 hours before bed. Instead of anger and resentment, I have turned my focus more to helping others. Through the help of others, Diego’s memory remains alive and well. v Trevor is the father of four beautiful boys, Nate, Diego, Alexander, and Sebastian, and is married to their amazing mother, Zegee. They live in Phoenix, Arizona, and have attended meetings at the Westside Chapter of TCF in Phoenix and MISS Foundation as well. Trevor is self-employed. However, when he isn’t working or being a father, he enjoys spending time with those who need a little help in life. You can find out more about Diego at www.diegosplace.virtual-memorials.com. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 17 • 17 3/5/12 10:34 AM (Patrons, continued from page 16) Pat and Howard Billings in memory of Robert and Allen; and in honor of their family members Marc Bilodeau and Family in memory of Stephen Sandy Joan Binkow Georgia and Terry Blazevic in memory of Bryce Blazevic Joan and Fred Bliss Lynn Boelk in memory of Chris Boelk Linda Bondra in memory of Kirsten Brooke Bondra Marla Bopp in memory of Christopher Aaron Arnold Cathryn Boudreau in memory of Peter Philmore David Boudreau in memory of Matthew David Boudreau Delores Boughton in memory of Katherine and Mary Kay Boughton Mr. and Mrs. Bowden Anne Brack in memory of Chelsea Marie Brack Jessica Braithwait, Katie Silva, Sarah Rufenacht, and Rachael Rufenacht in memory of Whitley Ann Peterson Mary Bredemeier in memory of Henry Warren Bredemeier Bette Brennan in memory of Michael Thomas Brennan Marjorie Brewer in memory of Douglas and Susan Brewer Mary and Jerry Brickner in memory of Matthew J. Brickner Cynthia Bridgewater in memory of Michael Bridgewater Merlin Brockway in memory of Clinton S. Brockway Joy and Chuck Brown in memory of Charles Christopher Brown Karen Brown in memory of David A. Allbery Sue Brown in memory of Frank Jason Gallardo Inara Brubaker in memory of Erika Jane and Andra Elaine Brubaker Faye and Jim Bundy in memory of David J. Bundy Juanita Bundy in memory of Joseph C. Bundy Laura Burnham in memory of Darryl Anne Burnham Charlotte and James Burns in memory of Edward James Burns Shirley and Jim Burnside in memory of Kirk Burnside, Teresa Burnside, and Elizabeth Marie (Libby) Ives Daniel Busch in memory of Joshua S. Busch Janine Busch Woytowicz in memory of Benjamin Mathew Busch Carrie Byrd in memory of Shawne Alison Phillips Sally and Rick Calabrese in memory of Kelly Ann Calabrese Sharon and Bill Caldwell in memory of Brian Caldwell Anne Calvey in memory of Anne Lois Kortsch Janet and Julian Cannon in memory of Julie Evanne Cannon Cape Regional Medical Center in memory of Gary LaRue The Staff of Carlow University’s Student Affairs in memory of Margaret Carney; and in honor of Sr. Sheila Carney Nicki Carnahan Kersey in memory of Luke Carnahan 18 • Gwendolyn Carroll in memory of Ronald “Bitzy” Hamilton Jr. Rosa Carter in memory of Luke Carter Carrie and Rich Caruso in memory of Tony Cabrera Fran Casabona in memory of Patrick Casabona Jr. Suzanne and Henry Cassel in memory of Gregory Cassel June and Ted Cathcart in memory of Theodore K. (Todd) Cathcart Linda Cavalier in memory of Judd Cavalier Trisha and Mike Cayton in memory of Jack “Brent” Schoener Laura and Tom Chandler in memory of Carey Chandler; and in honor of Harry Chandler Janet Chapman in memory of Jesse Greenberg Barbara Chiulli in memory of Philip Panetta Bernie, Tom, and Kyle Chrismer in memory of Carolyn Marie Chrismer Dean Christman in memory of Nathan Christman Caroline Christopherson Mia and Warren Chun Diane and Don Clark in memory of Carl E. Adkins Jan and Jim Clark in memory of Joseph Arthur Korth Nancy Clark in memory of Joshua Boundy Rebecca Clark in memory of Justin Clark and Amanda Kwick David Clayton and Gayle DeKellis in memory of Zach Clayton Mr. and Mrs. Coggins Jr. in memory of Elizabeth Rose Coggins Ronald Cohen in memory of Jesse Ray Cohen Sharon and Butch Colbert in memory of Lionel J. M. Colbert, Anna J. Colbert, and Jory M. Chavez Gordon Collins in memory of Cynthia Lee Kessler and Iris Lent-Koop Audrey and Jay Conners in memory of Leslie Ann Conners Kay and Fred Cooke in memory of Morgan Elizabeth Cooke Agnes Coon in memory of Richard Molnar Francine Cooper in memory of Patrick Michael Cooper Joanne and Bill Cooper in memory of Bennett and Kathryn Cooper Laurie Cooper and Howard Fankhauser in memory of Colin Fankhauser Ana Cortez in memory of Lissette Cortez Maria Cota Jean and Bill Cotter in memory of Patrick J. Cotter Kathy and C. J. Couvillion in memory of Stephen Paul Couvillion Ronal Cox in memory of Stacy W. Cox Susan Craft in memory of Tommy L. Craft Sharon and George Craig in memory of Isaac Burle Craig and Zeb Brubaker Linda and Steve Crow in memory of Emily Elizabeth White Lesly Crowder in memory of Ryan Crowder Kathy and Tom Crowley in memory of Timm Crowley Barbara Culver Marion Curka in memory of Paul Curka Lois and Chris Curran Diane and Jim Cutts in memory of Brett Cutts Peggy and Bill Dalton in memory of Kevin Dalton Nancy and Michael D’Amore in memory of Michael and Penny Heather and Michael Dankert in honor of Ellen and Terry Noble Leslie Davidson in memory of Patrick Ross Davidson Jr. Edith Davis in memory of Janet Elaine Davis Linda Davis in memory of Brian Jeffrey Davis Jill Davison in memory of Paige Davison Angela Dazzo in memory of Stephanie Dazzo Paterek Randy Dean Dean Foods Matching Gift Jeanne and John DeFrance in memory of Michael DeFrance and Brian Hull Pauline Deges in memory of Susan Marie Deges Jean and Roger DeHaan in memory of Hannah DeHaan Janice Dengis in memory of Lauren Dengis Mary Denien in memory of Gary Robert Denien Lynn and Charles Derrick in memory of Michael Derrick Joseph DeSantis in memory of Donnamarie and Joseph P. DeSantis Jr. Judy and Walter Dever in memory of Joshua James Dever Sandra and Jon Devermann in memory of Matthew Ashcraft Helen Di Maggio Joe Diedrichs in memory of Griffin Joseph Diedrichs Timothy Dillon in memory of Ian Christopher Dillon Arlene DiPietro Barbara and Chuck Dixon in memory of Christopher Lee Dixon Michelle Doll in memory of Justin Gleyre Doll Eleanor and Ken Donatelli in memory of Michael J. Donatelli Denise Dow in memory of Samantha Bussenger Jean Dow in memory of Randy Dow Rodney Drake, M.D. Cindy and Tommy Driskill in memory of Kristin Rae Driskill Carole and Peter Dyck in memory of Christopher P. Dyck Pat and Jeff Dyson in memory of Blake Jefferson Dyson Muffy and Bob Eager in memory of Brian Eager Donna and Ralph Eastman in memory of Ralph Michael Eastman Nina Eberly in memory of Mark Andrew Eberly Judy and John Ebersberger in memory of Katherine Ann Ebersberger Mitzi Eckert in memory of Christopher Shane Collier Julie and Bill Edgar in memory of Michael Edgar Mary Edwards in memory of Michael Edwards Sherry Effertz in memory of Kayla Sophie Evenson WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 18 3/5/12 10:34 AM Colleen Ehret in memory of Brandt Michael Koehler Debbie Elkins Peggy and Jim Eller Becky and Richard Engborg in memory of Andrew Engborg Karen and Bob Erwin in memory of Jill Christine Erwin Janelle and Fred Etoch in memory of Evan Etoch Becky Evans in memory of Andy Thompson and Madeleine Wilshire Elizabeth and Carville Evering in memory of Catherine E. Evering Deborah Factor in memory of Joyce Burkhart Frank Failla in memory of Emily and Lauren Failla Joan and Randy Fameree Diane and Tony Famiano in memory of Wendy Leigh Famiano Gloria Fava in memory of Stephen R. Fava Mary Lee Fawcett in memory of Scott, Barry, Jim, Dan Cole, and Jimmy Janice and David Feaga in memory of Travis Feaga and Cathrine Evering Tucci Martha and Dick Fenoglio in memory of Judith Fenoglio Daw Cathy Fielder in memory of David Matthew Gray Fielder Antonia Filipiak in memory of Leon Harwood II Allison and Mark Finkelstein in memory of David Samuel Finkelstein Bridget and Stephen Flanders in memory of Samuel Frank Flanders Penny and Manny Flecker in memory of 1LT Norman T. S. Flecker Kathy Flett Richard Floreani Kim and Claude Flowers in memory of Rodney Thein and his son, Rodney Jr. Gertrude Fobbs in memory of Charles W. Fobbs Janet Folley Nancy Fortier Lynne and Roger Foster in memory of Mark Foster Michele and Mark Fracasso in memory of Mark R. Fracasso Jr. Averil Fraser in memory of Errol Fraser Jr. James Fraser in memory of Glen R. Fraser Fresh Audio & Video, LLC Sue Freshwater in memory of Jeffrey and Michael Kalldin Linda Frost in memory of Linnette L. Dixon Peggy and William Fry in memory of Christopher Read Fry Rosalind and James Fulmer in memory of Mark William Fulmer Marilyn and Glenn Futrell in memory of John Robert Woodfin Barbara Gaddis and Paul Volker in memory of Owen Paul Volker; and in honor of Tim and Kate Volker Mary Jane and John Gahagan in memory of Sean Gahagan Linda Gallagher in memory of Tracy Philip Kildebeck Liz Garcia in memory of Erik Steven Holmgren Olivia and Ruben Garcia in memory of Lorenzo Garcia Elizabeth Garvey in memory of Richard James “Richie” Garvey Gloria Garza in memory of Daniel V. Garza Evelyn and Norman Gaudrault in memory of Paul Gaudrault Gloria and Gary Gavin in memory of Kraig Stephan Gavin Barbara Gearty in memory of Shane Patrick Gearty The Gerosa Family in memory of Delaney Elizabeth Smith Toni and Robert Gibson Sr. in memory of Patti Ann Gibson Sandra Gillen in memory of Darryl Penton Sandy and Ron Gilliland in memory of Mandi Gilliland Maxine and Paul Gilson in memory of Michael Halpert Carol Ginsburg Denise Ginszauskas in memory of Michele Ginszauskas Peggy and Alan Gitersonke in memory of Holly Ann Odom Michael Giuliano Myron and Marsha Glasssenberg in memory of Brian Glassenberg Joel Jeffrey Glick Memorial Philanthropic Fund in memory of Joel Jeffrey Glick Kara Gloeckner in memory of Kody Johnson Mary and Howard Goetz in memory of Howie Goetz III Tom Gold in memory of William Harris Gold Marlene and Fred Goldberg in memory of Dr. Elliot D. Goldberg Rita Goldfarb in memory of Jeffrey Goldfarb Hawes Dorene and Emil Goryeb in memory of Gregg T. Goryeb Nancy Grabarczyk in memory of Carol Jean Grabarczyk Sally and Joseph Grablick in memory of J. Ryan Wecker Ruth Graham in memory of Mary Graham Suzanne and Richard Graham in memory of Samantha Graham Vickie Graham in memory of Brendan Paul Dover Grainger Matching Charitable Gifts Program Betty Gray in memory of Ricky Tucker Gail and Leonard Greenbaum in memory of Adam Ross Greenbaum Sandra Greenly in memory of Michael Greenly Dorothy Greiner Lynne and Ray Grigsby in memory of Brian Joseph Grigsby Mary Grinavic in memory of Christine Grinavic Rosemary and Daniel Haemmerle in memory of Janice Haemmerle Krumanaker and Stephen Daniel Haemmerle Sandra and Roger Hale in memory of David H. Hale Ann and Mike Hall in memory of Kyle Simonson Tamara Hallis in memory of Shayler Hallis Diana and Bobby Hamer in memory of Bobby E. Hamer III Janet and Frank Hanig in memory of Adam Hanig Teri Hansen in memory of Anna Paulson Kyle Hanson in memory of Chandie Hanson Behm Edie and Pete Happe in memory of Roberta Louise Happe Marie and Rod Harley Sandy and Brian Harter in memory of Nicholas Morgan Harter Doris and Harvey Hartman in memory of Melissa Ann (Hartman) Cino Susan and Mark Hauck in memory of Jimmy Betty Hawkshaw in memory of Dennis B. Hartman Tammy and Jeff Hayes in memory of Michael Rubinstein Jackie and Duane Hegna in memory of Jon Derek Hegna Tim Heiberger in memory of Jessica Leigh Heiberger Vicki Heilweil in memory of Neil Heilweil Gary Helfman in memory of Ryan Helfman Tammy and Lyle Helgeson in memory of Jared Helgeson Valerie Hellinger in memory of Matthew David Dion Sue and Mike Hemesath in memory of Stacy A. Hemesath David Hendricks in memory of David Hendricks II Sara Henkin in memory of Jodee Brooke Henkin Delores Hensley in memory of Nichole Lee Hensley Mildred Herman in memory of Susan Jean Herman Tim Hester Connie and Mark Hill in memory of Chad Hill Marguerite Hill in memory of Eric T. Hill Linda, Ivan, and Joshua Hinds in memory of Steven Michael Halverson Pauletta Hodges in memory of Kimberly Logsdon Waters Harriet Hodgson in memory of Helen Hodgson Welby Joan and Dale Hofmeister in memory of Dennis M. Hofmeister Paula and Mike Holder in memory of Andrew (Drew) Holder Heather Holland in memory of Piper Lynne Buckley Lynda Holman in memory of Richard Holman Karen and Michael Horeth in memory of Jordan Michael Horeth Beverly Horn in memory of Lawrence Scott Horn Lucia and Wayne Howard in memory of Shaelee C. McDaniel Delois Hughes Karen Huper in memory of Cory Michael Sivertson Huper Gail and Ray Husveth in memory of Joseph Mazzetta and Garrett Husveth Mark Imel in memory of Chase M. Imel Deb and Russ Imlay in memory of Seth Imlay Judy Immel in memory of David Immel Teresa Immerman in memory of Daniel Immerman Bonnie Ingram in memory of Paul Leland Rodgers Betsy and Michael Jarrett in memory of Michael Jarrett Linda Jayne and Family in memory of Melanie and Jennifer Laughlin Janet Jenkins in memory of Alan Jenkins Carol and Gerry Johnson in memory of Karen E. Johnson (Continued on page 22) WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 19 • 19 3/5/12 10:34 AM Ken Ryan The Greater Manchester/Nashua Chapter Worldwide Candle Lighting® held at St. Anthony of Padua Church in Manchester, New Hampshire The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® ~By Wayne Loder, Public Awareness Coordinator Thank you Compassionate Friends, for helping everyone keep their memories alive! ~ Megan As a virtual wave of light encircled the globe, the 15th Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting® on Sunday, December 11, 2011, touched the hearts of hundreds of thousands of people grieving the death of a child. The event was created by The Compassionate Friends to give those grieving a child one special day during the difficult holiday season to remember and honor the child missing from their home. It is a day of unity where tens of thousands join together in remembrance of children gone too soon, regardless of ethnic, cultural, religious, or political boundaries. The Compassionate Friends national website received and posted information on 550 services open to the public in the United States and 18 countries abroad. But the remembrance was far 20 • larger than that, as untold numbers of families lit candles in homes and together with relatives and friends. “The response to this day is always heartwarming,” says TCF Executive Director Patricia Loder. “During the holiday season, many bereaved parents feel alone, as if their child who died never existed in the minds of friends and relatives. This Worldwide Candle Lighting® allows us to join together in telling the world that every child is important and that no child is ever forgotten.” More than 5,000 messages of love were left in TCF’s Remembrance Book the day of the Worldwide Candle Lighting® (these can be viewed throughout the year through a link from the Worldwide Candle Lighting® page at www.compassionatefriends.org). The Worldwide Candle Lighting® gave unity to the grief world by helping so many to realize they are not alone in their grief during the difficult holiday season, and that others grieve with them, regardless of where they may live. Posts left on TCF’s Facebook page numbered more than a thousand, as members shared remembrances and expressed the importance of the Worldwide Candle Lighting® to them. If no Worldwide Candle Lighting event was held in your area last year, you are invited to organize one for the 2012 event, to be held Sunday, December 9, coinciding with Hanukkah, the celebration of lights. For more information on how to plan a WCL service, please visit TCF’s national website. A few posts from TCF/USA’s Facebook Page: Ally: Thank you, TCF. My husband and I lost our son November 4th. A friend of ours told us about the candle lighting ceremony and we are truly grateful. Participating last evening was the healing we both welcomed. Karen: While I was at the candle lighting, several friends texted me the photos of the candles they had lit for my son. . . . The ceremony was very touching. Teresa: I attended my second Candle Lighting on Sunday. It was just as beautiful and moving as last year. I did . . . notice a change in me. Instead of sobbing through the whole ceremony, I found myself feeling the hurt and grief of the others in the room and empathizing with their pain. Maybe I am healing. . . . v WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 20 3/5/12 10:34 AM ~By John Thayer Lighting a candle is usually simple, but when I lit one in memory of my niece during the Worldwide Candle Lighting® this year, I found it to be very difficult. As I was getting ready for church, I received a text message from my sister, who lost a daughter three years ago. Her message read, “Today is Worldwide Candle Lighting day. We are asking that you please light a candle at 7:00 p.m. in loving memory of our angel, Alicyn Grace, and let it burn for one hour. It would mean so much. Thanks!” I had to participate. It was about what it meant to my sister and brother-in-law. After church I went to Walmart for what may have been my first-ever candle purchase. I just stood there looking at the candles. Minutes passed, carts pushed by as I picked a candle up and set it back down. When you are doing something meaningful, you don’t just grab the first thing you see. It has to feel right. I finally picked up a white candle and a holder, but before I walked away, something caught my eye. It was a candle holder in the shape of a heart. It could only go with a red-colored candle, and with a smile, knew I had the right one. That night I took the candle with me to a company Christmas party. I was planning to get away from the party at the right time and light the candle where it could burn for one hour. At 6:14 p.m., I received another text message from my sister. “Never knew lighting a candle could be this hard. The flicker of the fire is dancing steadily . . . wonder if she is dancing with it. Love you guys!” As a tear filled my eye, I responded, “You know she is.” I started to wonder if this was going to be hard. There were so many things running through my head as the Christmas party began. I stood there with a smile and carried on conversation, although part of me was never present. As we went through gag gifts, I continued to watch the clock. When my phone read 6:56 p.m., I excused myself and went into the office where the candle was waiting. I stood there staring at the clock with the lighter in my right hand. As the minutes ticked by, memories filled my thoughts. With two minutes until lighting, I was taken back to that Friday morning in the middle of a Doane College parking lot where I fell to my knees as I heard my mother’s voice say, “Allie is gone,” over the phone. I remembered feeling incredibly weak . . . helpless. I was three hours away and couldn’t race to my sister and give her a hug. We grew close after I moved to college. Not sure why it took so long, but we talked a lot on the phone. Back on that Friday morning I remember wiping tears from my face as people curiously looked on. I finally got up and walked across the campus where I had just given a tour. Before I’d left, Michelle, an admissions counselor, had asked how my sister and her baby were doing. She knew the due date was close. Running late, I’d smiled and said they were doing great and that I had a picture to show her when I got back. It was the picture my sister had sent late Thursday night after she had finished the crib. Now, as I made my way back to the building, I knew things weren’t so great. They were awful. The worst had happened. I dropped off some keys at the desk and went to Michelle’s office. Her glowing smile dropped as she saw me turn the corner. She asked what was wrong, and after I’d closed her door, I lost it again. She jumped up and gave me a hug as I told her my sister had lost the baby. Preparing the candle took me back to the moment I walked into my sister’s house where my mother and brother-in-law’s mother, Pat, stood. Not a word was said. I walked across the floor and grabbed my mother with both arms as tears ran down my face. Then I gave Pat a big hug and stood there trembling. It took me back to the moment I walked in the hospital and didn’t want to go into my sister’s room but knew I had to. You see, my sister carried full term and was induced to deliver stillborn. As Mom grabbed the handle, she looked at me and asked if I was ready. As strong as I could be in a weak moment, I told her I was as ready as I would ever be. When the door opened I locked eyes with my sister and made a beeline to her side. She cried when she saw me as I reached down to give her the biggest hug I ever had. It took me back to the moment standing outside of the delivery room when the process was complete and there was only silence. For a moment I said a prayer with the words, “Please cry,” but there was nothing. It made me think about the late nights up with my sister, as she cried and asked why. I had no answers. There was nothing I could say . . . nothing I could do. It took me back to the April 23 graveside service, looking at a tiny box and thinking it was something for shoes and not for my niece. It took me to the moment the balloons were released into the sky, as I watched my two nephews’ balloons, filled with toys for their sister to play with in heaven, bounce through a tree and out the other side without popping. It all came back to me. And it happened quickly. As the clock hit 7:00 p.m., I reached forward and lit the wick as a tear streamed down my face. I stood over the burning flame and stared at it. I wondered who she would be today. As I watched the flame dance, I thought back to my sister’s message and smiled as I took pictures of the burning candle. One of the pictures made it to Facebook where I wrote my sister and brother-in-law a message to let them know it was okay to let their candle go out. The light was continuing for another hour . . . in another time zone. In Loving memory of Alicyn Grace Hosick (04/18/08) v John Thayer is the sports director for KCSR Radio in Chadron, Nebraska. A graduate of Doane College, John has spent the past four years covering high school and college sports for a variety of media outlets. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 21 • 21 3/5/12 10:34 AM (Patrons, continued from page 19) Michele and Steve Johnson in memory of Lindsay Marie Johnson Pam Johnson in memory of Lori Jean Campbell Sandy Johnson Lucille and Steve Johs in memory of Nicholas C. Johs Megan Jones in memory of John W. Jones V Susan and David Jones in memory of Eric Allen Jones Kristina Jones and Crystal Rice in memory of Ryan Jones Joanne, Gray, and David Joyner in memory of Christopher Meridith Susan Julian Beryl Kaminsky in memory of Chad and Dawn Bushnell Leigh and Mike Kane and Family in memory of Shannon Kelly Kane Robert Kaplan in memory of Alison Ruth Kaplan Michele Karlsberg and Vicky Werner in memory of Richard Molnar Molly Kasperson in memory of Rodney Thein Linda and Howard Katz Patrick Keeling in memory of Charlie McLane Ruth Keeling in memory of Cory James Keeling Katy and Mike Keim James Kelley in memory of Casey Kelley Lisa Kelley in memory of Jeremy Michael Kelley Shirley and Tom Kelly in memory of Kristine Marie Kelly Sandra Thomas Keller Kathy and Alan Kennedy in memory of Kaitlyn E. Kennedy Gay Kennedy-Horton in memory of Daniel Andrew Peterson Dianna and Hossein Keshari in memory of Michelle Lynn Kubischke Donna Kessler in memory of Keith Kessler Elizabeth Keyes in memory of Rodney T. Thein Cindy Killingsworth in memory of Blake Lusk Cynthia Kimball in memory of Wayne Gordy Rita Kimmelman Ann and Don King in memory of Edward White King Catherine and Michael King in memory of Sean King Nicole, Mike, Marlowe, and Zephyr King Gloria and Mike Kissel in memory of Kimberly Kissel Dennis Klisch Pattie Knight in memory of Andrew B. Loch Mel Koch in memory of Dallas Koch Jean Koebel Gardner in memory of Charles K. Gardner Pamela Kokomoor in memory of Zachary Henry Kokomoor Charles Kolb Christine and Mark Kopel in memory of Stephanie and Stephen Loder Linda and Mike Kosovec in memory of Lauren Ann Kosovec Barbara and Ed Kowal in memory of Garrett Kowal Pamela and Nick Kozan in memory of Jack Barnett, “J.B.” Alice Kozik in memory of Regina Ann Kozik and Kristine Katherine Kozik 22 • Kraft-Sussman Funeral Services Jeff Krell in memory of Ally Wood Lois, Russ, and Brittany Kroeker in memory of Zachary and Matthew Kroeker Valerie and Robert Kurtz in memory of Jason Kurtz Audrey Labiche in memory of Mark Anthony Labiche Nancy and Dean Laffey in memory of Philip Laffey Glori Lahetta in memory of Jimmy Lahetta Vanda and Dennis Laloge in memory of Christine Laloge Nancy and Scott Lambert in memory of Brad Douglas Wildasin Donna and Tom Lancaster in memory of Shane Lancaster Bernice and Vito Lanza in memory of Stephen Lanza Donna Larman in memory of George A. Bold IV Carissa Larsen in memory of Emanuel Robert Larsen Julie and Don Larson in memory of Gregory Shawn Larson Deb Lawver in memory of Ralph F. Patterson Legacy.com Inc. Kellie and Jerry LeTexier in memory of Tiffany LeTexier Margie Levin and Claire Wilcoxson in memory of Leigh Anne Marino Susan and Robert Levy in memory of Chandra Levy Ann Lincoln and Kim Evans in memory of Tiffany O’Shell and Alyssa O’Shell Erica Lindemann in memory of Amelia Grace Sperry Tamara and Terry Liptow in memory of Brenda Lee Liptow Becky Logsdon-Dougherty in memory of Darin S. Hart Nancy and John Logue Margery and Anthony Longo in memory of Chris Marie Longo Barbara and Clyde Lord in memory of Sharon Lord Jean and Rolland Lorenz in memory of Susan and David Lorenz Loving Moms in memory of Danny, Nick, Shain, Christopher, Joe, and Katie Shirwill and Stephen Lukes in memory of McKinley Lukes Beverly and Barry Lustig in memory of Suzanne Helaine Lustig Marie and Wayne Luzzo in memory of Joseph A. Luzzo Mark Lynch in memory of Monica Lynch Lynn and Norval Lyon in memory of Rory David Boyer Barbara and Tom MacDonald in memory of Matthew MacDonald Jo and Rick Machon in memory of Madison Jo Gecho Katie Mahon in memory of Kevin Mahon Karen and Tom Majusiak in memory of Thomas Joseph Majusiak, Charles Majusiak, and Cassidy Majusiak Sally Maligas in memory of James Paul Maligas Maria and Steve Malin Bob Malkowski in memory of Tom Malkowski Brook Mallak in memory of Frank David Handeland Sandra Marder in memory of Eric Marder Valerie Marderosian in memory of James-Paul Randall Sindt Diane and Dominic Mark in memory of Alena Rose Mark Yolanda and Randy Marsh in memory of Stephanie Lauren Marsh David Martin Maxine and Frank Martin in memory of Craig Martin Steve Mason in memory of Chris “Mase” Mason Sheila and Richard Masterson in memory of Richard Pete Mather in memory of ENS Beth Anne Mather USN Barbara and Ned Mathias and Family in memory of Angelena L. Blosser Mary Anne and Joe Mattero in memory of Peter Matrin Mattero Jo Mattison in memory of Trey Cooper Robin May-Davis in memory of Sara May Connie Mays Janet and Tom McAlister in memory of Keith Alton McAlister Kim McArthur in memory of Brandon Griffiths George McBride and Lois E. Kortum in memory of Timothy Patrick McBride Anna and Mark McCarthy in memory of Michael Sasso Cindy McClain in memory of Dylan Michael McClain Barbara McClenahan in memory of David C. McClenahan Kathleen McDaniel in memory of Terry Scott and Wayne Harris Barbara McDonald in memory of Sean Christopher McDonald Barbara and David McIntyre Kenneth McKelvey in memory of Chris McKelvey Evelyn McNeill in memory of Phillippia A. Epps Gail McPherson Marcia and Frankie McQueen in memory of Trina Marie McQueen Maureen and Frank Medeiros in memory of David J. Medeiros Lorna Meier in memory of Richard Meier and Charles J. Meier Andrea Meigs in memory of Alexandra Nina Meigs Gina Melgoza in memory of Alexis Danielle Melgoza Pam Mendoza in memory of Nikki Mendoza Sandra Menefee in memory of Jason Lhotka Selva Menendez in memory of Solange Menendez Audrey and Donnie Mercer in memory of Rodney Allen Mercer Irwin Michelman in memory of Elizabeth Ann Michelman Susan and Doug Miduri in memory of Nicholas Morret Becky and Tom Mikowski in memory of Peyton Alese Mikowski Carol Miller in memory of Scott David Miller Laura and Rachel Miller and Bob Rine in memory of Melissa Allison Sproles Marilyn Miller in memory of Scott Allen and Jeffery Lee Miller Sharon Miller Susan and Lee Miller in memory of Nathan Miller (Continued on page 24) WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 22 3/5/12 10:34 AM Mourning and Grieving: Celebrating a Life Well-Lived ~By Lynda Zussman Rumi said it best: “Grief can be the garden of compassion.” I spotted this quote as I sat in my garden grieving over the sudden death of our 26-year-old daughter. Jogging with her fiancé in New York Central Park on Memorial Day 2008, Lauren Nicole Zussman went into cardiac arrest. One phone call changed the life of a virtually happy family. It was exactly eight years to the day of almost succumbing to an overdose of alcohol while vacationing at Lake Havasu. Clean and sober, never wavering, this Ford International Model almost became the poster child for the 12-Step Program. She was only four courses short of a life coach credential from New York University when she was unexpectedly taken away because of an unknown heart condition. Temporarily, there is no value to life when you lose a child. I am now on the outside, looking into other houses filled with life and laughter. I belong to a club that no one wants to join, nor should they. The ebb and flow of the realization of death, being so final, terrifies my soul. Shock waves continue as a sense of denial weaves its way back and forth to a false sense of security. The conveyor belt of confusion, anger, sadness, guilt, and dread continues on, as a quiet death within me permeates. I speak to my daughter daily, if only in my mind. The soothing music in the background, the burning candles, and the comfort of a maroon shawl surround the many sleepless nights of my grieving. Photographs and visual memories of your flesh, your energy, and your breathtaking smile appear in the corner of my mind, as the wick from the candle illuminates the dark room. As I sip my cup of vanilla Chai tea, your favorite evening pleasure, I quietly wipe my tears as I stare at the light with memories drifting in and out— from childhood woes to witnessing a mature woman evolving through the disparity of life. The quiet absence of your energy, whether by phone or in person, leaves me empty every day with endless sorrow. My amputated limbs leave my body with an empty shell. I fear that I will not feel life, as I have known it. The past is now a dream, as I have crossed over to the other side. And although I am still here on earth, I can never relive that lifeline between you and me, even though I know in my heart that the imaginary cord will always unite us. I will always carry your voice, your passions, your incredible love for your friends and your family, for you just got it: the true meaning of life before most of us ever did. I will carry you on my shoulder for a lifetime. We are simply better people because your human spirit has taught us so much about life. It has been several months since Lauren’s passing and time has given us periods of normalcy, although, as my husband has said, we have had to create a new normal. I must have the courage to go on, not only for myself, but more importantly, for my husband and our other daughter. We all wear a silver chain bracelet with “COURAGE” engraved on one side and “LAUREN 08” on the other side. Lauren’s courage inspires us, as she would so not want us to suffer. My memories of her coming home, to our bed parties with her favorite foods, to reading magazines and studying fashion together, remind me of a girl stirring with delight. Tea parties and back scratching went along with watching old Richard Gere movies (especially Pretty Woman, Autumn in New York, and An Officer and a Gentleman) or Grey’s Anatomy. Laughing, once again at the movie Romy and Michele or commenting on each young celebrity and their dramatic life. Eating salmon with veggies drenched in olive oil, or eating endless bowls of my homemade soups; these memories put a smile on my face every time. Listening to her favorite singer, Ray LaMontagne stirs our souls. I hope the light of her memories overshadow the darkness of her passing. Her Bohemian style of dress, similar to a French savvy woman, had an unique style of its own, with wrapped-around colorful scarves and gypsy-style skirts, yet I envision her donning a T-shirt, jeans, and boots. Lauren walked with poise and dignity, even when she had her long, flowing, chestnut hair in a ponytail under a cap and wearing sweats. Our endless conversations about the latest spiritual book, or a profound weekend movie, were moving to both of us. Sometimes a report on a weekend of lectures from well-known sages contributed to her bank of knowledge. I will miss the intimate dance of meaningful conversations that comes from trust and love. I will miss the give-and-take of sharing our human side, when we would often hide from the real world. I hope that Lauren is with nature—she so loved the fragrant, gardenia and jasmine flowers, willowing trees, and the ocean’s waves. Lauren loved fairies, and we have a statue of a fairy reading a book that looks a lot like her, sitting in our garden. We also have a bird feeder, with hummingbirds flying to it daily as we greet Lauren’s spirit. But most of all, I think being of service to others gave her the greatest joy. Perhaps after helping many, she continues to help a new breed of needy souls, in another land, or on another plane. Why else would her life have ended so abruptly? Many times, growing up, we made visual memories by closing our eyes during special times, like when we brought a new kitten home, or moved into a new house. My soul is depleted, my spirit is broken, but I hang on to that cord, that rope, knowing that I will never relinquish it completely. There are so many unanswered questions, but I do know one thing: there is no prescription for grieving. v Lynda Zussman lives in Newport Beach, California, and has written the book Throw Me the Rope: A Memoir on Loving Lauren, available at Amazon.com. You can read more at Lynda’s website, throwmetheropebook.com, or contact her at [email protected]. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 23 • 23 3/5/12 10:34 AM (Patrons, continued from page 22) The Staff of Thomas Miller Elementary School in memory of Thomas Andrew Haynes, and in honor of Janice Haynes Tracy Milne in memory of Andrew G. Milne Mira’s Movement in memory of all the children lost to cancer Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell in memory of William Alexander Lewis Mitchell Nancy and Richard Moeller Teboho Moja in honor of Tumi McCallum Nancy and Anthony Molle in memory of William Lloyd Plummer; and in honor of Billy Rudy Molnar in memory of Richard Molnar Maria Monahan in memory of Tommy Monahan Montefiore Medical Group in memory of Vincent Cangro Nancy Mooney in memory of Dorothy Pellegrin Judy and Otis Moore in memory of Karen Moore Hayden Karen Moore in memory of Sam Moore Sandy Moreland Jane and Dean Moren in memory of Joel Albert Moren Loretta and Robert Morin in memory of Michael Anthony “Tony” Morin Linda and Larry Moris in memory of Larry Matthew Moris Bonita Morlese in memory of Dwayne A. James JoAnn and Frank Morrissey in memory of David Michael Morrissey Mike Moss in memory of Morgan Moss Mr. and Mrs. Most in memory of Billy and Rebecca Most JoAnn Mozelewski in memory of Amanda Davis Ann and Adam Mumm in memory of Jack Adam Mumm Art and Mary Narverud Cathy and Robert Neeson Kathryn Nejdl in memory of Timothy L. Nickos Betty Nelson in memory of Mark Nelson Judy and Bruce Nelson in memory of Brian Nelson Pat Nigro in memory of Joseph Nigro Jr. Kim Nissen in memory of Mark F. Vermeern Etta and Chuck Nissman in memory of Jeffrey Nissman Ellen and Alan Nunes in memory of Tyson Nunes Joan and Bob Nypaver in memory of Theresa Marie Nypaver Ellen and Charles Oakley in memory of Dale Timothy Oakley Sherry O’Brien in memory of Kevin Patrick O’Brien Janet and Pat O’Donnell in memory of Brian Patrick O’Donnell Shirley and Dennis O’Donnell in memory of Lauren O’Donnell and Paige Gibson Connie and Darrell O’Kelley in memory of Maureen Nicole O’Kelley Carol and Tom Olesen in memory of Travis J. Olesen Judy and Harvey Olitsky in memory of Aaron Samuel Olitsky Christine and Robert Onges Doris O’Reilly-Dillon in memory of Heather Dillon 24 • Cheri Ormsby in memory of Josephine Marlenga Karen O’Rourke in memory of Carrie Scott Ortiz Leila Otey in memory of Brad Spelman Mary Anne Owens in memory of Mary Kay Owens Linda and John Pace in memory of Keith A. Pace Robin and Pete Padavana in memory of Peter J. Padavana Rao Palagummi in memory of Padmapriya Palagummi Iris Palley Mary and Ted Palmer in memory of Mark C. Palmer Diane and Richard Panke in memory of John Richard Panke Cheryl Paquette in memory of Bryant Paquette Linda Parkin in memory of Sarah Day Heddy Mr. and Mrs. Partridge Rezondala and Thomas Patrick in memory of Carmelita Patrick Dan Pearson in memory of Justin Pearson Wendi and Charles Peer in memory of Ryley Peer Vicki and Pete Pellerito in memory of Annemarie Pellerito Mr. and Mrs. Pequignot in memory of Wade Pequignot David Perkins Shirley and Leonard Peters in memory of Mari Peters Prill Norma Petersen in memory of Eric A. Petersen Julia and Mark Peterson in memory of Nicholas Paul Peterson Lisa Peterson in memory of Daniel John Ramirez Betsey and Pat Petit in memory of Sarah Ellen Petit Michael Petrizzo in memory of Michael David Petrizzo The Phoenix Security Group in memory of Tiffanie Collins Phojoe Judy and Bob Pinsonnault in memory of Joshua Sullivan Judy and George Pizzo in memory of Amber Pizzo Ken Porizek in memory of Jeffrey Michael Porizek Wanda and Robert Praisner in memory of Stephen John Praisner Denise and Jeff Pratt in memory of Nikolai Luczki Arlene Priest in memory of Marc Priest Layton Priest Karen Protiva in memory of John A. Protiva Shirley Pruitt-Streetman in memory of Gary Pruitt Frank Pruss in memory of Nicholas Raphael Falco III Norman Pudenz Doreen and Patrick Raftery in memory of Coleen M. Raftery Linda Ramga in memory of Douglas C. Ramga Kathy and Dan Rausch in memory of Max Benjamin Rausch Beverly and Benton Rayborn in memory of Bobby Gale Rayborn Catherine and Peter Read in memory of Mary Karen Read Mary Reader and Stacey Green in memory of Lindsey Hayden McLain Reader Carole Reese in memory of Tania Tre’panier Dianne and Herman Reininga in honor of Ellen and Terry Noble Remembering Our Children in memory of their children Mary and John Ribecky in memory of Kathryn Elizabeth Ribecky Ellen Rieger in memory of Ethan Everett Martin Sherrill Rigney in memory of Michelle Lynn Rigney Cheryl Rinda in memory of David C. Bill Pat Rizzo in memory of Daniel C. Rizzo Gail and Jeff Roberts in memory of Claire Aubrey Roberts Jennifer Roberts in memory of Dave Snepp Mary and Vic Roberts in memory of Craig Matthew Roberts and Joshua Evan Roberts Melissa and Don Roberts in memory of Shane Roberts Nancy Roberts in memory of Dave Snepp April Robichaud in memory of Teddy Haeussler Jane Robinson in memory of Richard “Rick” Douglas Robinson Mr. and Mrs. Robles in memory of Robert A. Robles Darline Rodgers in memory of Morgan Aaron Rodgers Leslie Rolison in memory of Delaney Leigh Rolison Norma Rollinger in memory of Celeste Ann Kinney Nancy Rollins in memory of Christoher M. Rollins Jacqueline and Danny Rolnick in memory of Mia Sofia Rolnick Jodi Rooney and Family in memory of Brendan Terrence Rooney; and in honor of Leo Terrence Rooney Marilyn and Larry Roseberry in memory of Evan Roseberry Bettye and Sam Rosenberg in memory of Michael Rosenberg Toby and Herbert Rosenberg and Family in memory of Dina Faith Rosenberg Barbara and David Rosner in memory of David R. Rosner Lauren Rossi Shirley Rubin-Rollins in memory of Jason Louis Patterson Coralease and Willie Ruff in memory of Candice (Kandy) M. Ruff Lu Ruff in memory of Carene Young Kathy and Rae Runck in memory of Daniel James Runck Christine Rundell Jill and Robert Runke in memory of Amanda Runke Sandra and Kenneth Rupp and Family in memory of Chris E. Rupp Libby and Jim Rush in memory of David Louis Rush Bonnie Russo in memory of Matthew Russo Chris and Greg Russo in memory of William F. Pyra Donna and Edward Rutkowski in memory of George Rutkowski Amy and Joe Rutledge in memory of Quentin Rutledge WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 24 3/5/12 10:34 AM Lisa and Tim Sabatino in memory of Timothy James Sabatino Jean and Don Safreed in memory of Rachel Anne Safreed Russell Sage in memory of Michael Vincent Sage Barbara and Evan Salop in memory of Dr. Bob Bauer Robert Salter Kate Sanders in memory of Brenton Sanders Lucinda and William Sanders in memory of Christopher Lee Sanders Nina Sanders in memory of Susan Sanders Martha and Mike Santoro in memory of Paula Rosina Santoro Jeff Saper in memory of Riley Saper Donna Sasenick William Sawyerr in memory of Esteé N. Sawyerr Martin Scafidi in memory of Daniel M. Scafidi Rosanna Scannell in memory of Benjamin Edinger Lois Schneider in memory of Shannon Marie Schneider Electric/Square D Foundation in memory of Heidi & Wendy Klenotiz Elaine and Mark Schnurle in memory of Tim Schnurle Barbara Schrage in memory of Olivia Mary Catherine Cerone Susanna Schroadter in memory of Logan Christopher and Archer Logan Schroadter Joan Schroeder in honor of Karl, Sue, and Karen Snepp Vickie and Norm Schuring in memory of Michael James Schuring Patty and David Schwartz in memory of Andrew J. Schwartz Jonathan Scilken in memory of David Scilken Deborah and Tim Scott in memory of Justin Stewart Scott Joan and Stewart Senator in memory of Stephen Eric Senator Karen and Wallace Serbus in memory of Scott Jerome Serbus Lorrie Shafer in memory of Eric S. Schalow Rose and Norman Sharp in memory of Diana Rose Sharp Madeline and Robert Sharples in memory of Paul Sharples Anne and John Shattuck in memory of David E. Hobson Barb and Greg Sheehy in memory of Todd Seth Diana and David Shelton in memory of Mindy Lea Shelton Beverly Shepard in memory of Kevin Michael Shepard Stephanie and Harold Shields in memory of Evan and Garrett Shields Marti and Julien Shoemaker in memory of David H. Shoemaker Willadean and J. L. Short in memory of Danielle Lee Short Ron Sibley in memory of Laurie Jean Sibley Craig Siegman Carmela and Tom Slivinski in memory of Francesca Slivinski S. Nancy Simches Sue and Philip Simonson in memory of Kyle Davis Simonson Ginny and Walt Simpson in memory of Greg Simpson Pat and Bob Simpson in memory of Teresa A. Simpson Lorraine and Craig Skrzypecki in memory of Finley Mitchel Skrzypecki Debbie Sladek Donna and Don Smith in memory of Andrew J. Smith Janet and Robert Smith in memory of Kristi Smith Wainscott Judith Smith in memory of Tyler Leger Fran and Jeff Snyder in memory of Sean J. Snyder Marchelle Snyder in memory of Daniel Patrick Snyder Dianne, Daniel, and Joshua Solomon in memory of Zachary Solomon Joseph Sortino in memory of Thomas F. Sortino Karen Sowinski Rose Marie and Gene Sprando in memory of Richard and Rebecca Sprando Kristine Spykes in memory of James Paul Spykes Cheryl and Michael Stader in memory of Michael S. Strader II Kristen and David Stafford in memory of Dale and Jesse Harrison Adrian Stanford in memory of Kayla A. Stanford Audrey Stanley in memory of John Craven Julia Starkey in memory of Carson Starkey Barbara Starr in memory of David Charles Starr Georgianna Starz in memory of Christopher Starz Ellen and Tom Steele Phyllis Stemmons in memory of Amy Bartelmey and Stephen Hough Zelda Stern in memory of Michael Yale Stern Bob Stevens in memory of Laura Diane Stevens Connie and John Stitt in memory of Margaret Mutschler Carney The Stockdale Family in honor of Charles and Glenda Merwine Kim Stokes in memory of Edward Kenneth Lee Peggy and Lewis Strader in memory of Christopher L. Strader Diane and Phil Strahm in memory of Carly Ann Strahm Tenpenny Mark Struckhoff Bobbie Stubler in memory of Nicholas Stubler Mr. and Mrs. Stutts Jr. in memory of Russell R. Stutts III Demet and Taclan Suerdem in memory of Sevi Suerdem Laura Sulkowski in memory of David Michael Sulkowski Lawrence Sullivan and Carla Wood in memory of Lauren Renée Sullivan Norita Sullivan in memory of Capt. John T. Spolsky Ida Summlion in memory of Carrington L. Summlion Barbara and Buddy Suter in memory of Jodi and Adam Suter Ann Marie and Bob Sweeney Suzanne and Michael Sylvina in memory of Stacy Sylvina Connell Alisa Taylor in memory of Alex K. Taylor Roe and Tiho Teisl in memory of Christopher Teisl Elaine Timbers Kim and Joel Tiss Diane Tobin in memory of Pamela Roberson Elizabeth and Robert Tolley in memory of Alan Clark Tolley Martha and Carl Tomanelli in memory of Kristin Underkoffler Patricia and Lawrence Toole in memory of Daniel L. Toole Bridie and Paul Tracy in memory of Paul Tracy Jr. and Tom Tracy Kelly and Rick Trieb in memory of Tyler Owen Trieb Connie and David Truelsch in memory of Rebecca H. Truelsch Judy and Mike Truitt in memory of Frank A. Thompson III Jo Ann Turner in memory of E. Dean Turner IV Katharine Uhle in memory of Raymond John Uhle Marilyn and Kenneth Umble in memory of Jordan Matthew Umble Karen Umstot in memory of Matthew Umstot Untapped Tiffany Uszynski in memory of Michael John Uszynski Diana and John Vagianos in memory of Nicole Vagianos Deb Van Epps in memory of Stephen Eisenhauer Margie and Ron Verostek in memory of Ryan Verostek Manu Videki in memory of Kavita Jain Clara and Clifford Vogt in memory of Dave Snepp; and in honor of Karl, Sue, and Karen Snepp Rita and John Volz in memory of Dustin Volz Kathleen and Jeff Wachtel in memory of Julia Ciervo Nancy Wallace Briordy in memory of Danny Wallace The Walner Family in memory of Rocket Williams Molly and Robert Walsh in memory of Drew Walsh Jeanne and Robert Walz in memory of Kelly Jeanne Thompson Kim Ward in memory of Aaron Selchow Iris Warren Kelly Warren in memory of Kayla Stanford Marcie Warrington in memory of Johnny Warrington The Wassweiler Family in memory of Rodney Thein Gail and Chip Watterson in memory of Isaac Gordon Hupana Watterson Cathy and Fred Wayand in memory of Timothy F. Wayand Arlene and Richard Weaver in memory of Roger W. Weaver Jean and Tom Webb Rod Webber in memory of Mike Webber Linda and Rudy Weissberg in memory of Rudy Weissberg Varda and Arnie Wendroff in memory of Lauren Michelle Wendroff Martina and Robert West in memory of Serena The Westenberg Family in memory of Patrick J. May Wendy and Russell Wheeler in memory of Kyle Wayne McKibben (Continued on page 29) WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 25 • 25 3/5/12 10:34 AM ~By Richard Carlson After the beautiful candlelight ceremony last night, I found myself tossing and turning until 2:00 in the morning. I decided to get up and not fight it anymore. I was remembering Brandon and all the pictures of the lost loved ones we had honored. Then my overactive, stimulated mind thought of baseball. You might ask why, in the middle of winter, I was thinking of baseball and not hockey or football. It might be that I’m already looking forward to spring, but I think baseball was on my mind because I feel there can be some similarities to how it mirrors life. Let me explain. When we start our lives, we go into what is the equivalent of spring training. We learn about the different positions life can offer. We learn how to hit, to throw, and about the rules of the game. As a baseball player learns from the old pros on the team, we in life (if we are smart) learn from our parents, and grandparents. I realize that most of us come away from this process saying, “No way am I going to make the same mistakes that they did,” but I think this is part of the exuberance of youth, and once spring training is over and we get into the game, these thoughts begin to change. The length of spring training is different for all of us. For most it ends when we graduate from high school, go off to college, or get married. Eventually we join the big game, and we find that the learning continues. We learn about our teammates, opposing players, and where the game is going to be played. Most of the time we find that the position we trained for is not the one we end up playing. In fact, we find out that as we go through the game of life, we may play many different positions. Sometimes we find ourselves sitting on the bench because of injuries and wondering, 26 • “What am I doing here?” We don’t even know how many hits, errors, or runs we’ve had, or how long the game is going to be. In my case I started the first inning and got well into the game just being fat, dumb, and happy. I had some hits, scored a few runs, and definitely made some errors. Then four years ago, or somewhere in the middle inning of the game, it all changed. It was at that time that I was faced with nine pitches and three strikeouts; the last due to a curveball. The death of my son Brandon, changed the whole makeup of the game. The rules changed, and I found myself going back into training. I woke up and found that the inning was over and a new one was about to begin. I found that I had to relace my spikes even tighter, and that pounding my glove may have formed a new pocket, but it hurt my hand. I could have chosen to get a new glove or new shoes, and for some people that is the way to stay in the game, But I found comfort in a glove and shoes that were well worn. I found that I may have been knocked out of that inning, but the game was still going on and I had to learn the new rules, I had to try to get more hits and score more runs. The errors are another issue. Although the game is still going on, I do not know what the score is or what inning I’m in. Like when I was hit by a foul ball in high school, I now know that I’m better at keeping the scorebook than backing away from a sweeping curve. So now in the later innings of life, I keep the bench warm, my laces tight, my glove next to me, and my pencil sharp. As a scorekeeper, I’ve tried to use the eraser to wipe out that one really horrible inning, but the home plate umpire keeps reminding me that he is the one who controls the game. He reminds me that he will decide when the game is over, who’s out, or if we play extra innings. In the meantime, I’m ready to go in to pinch-hit, to be the pro. I know that my other children have already said that they are not going to make the mistakes that Dad did. They have had the same bad inning in their game that I have had with Brandon’s death, but that is where the similarities in our games end. My hope is that I will be able to be there for my grandchildren and give them the opportunity to say, “I’m not going to make the same mistakes that Grandpa did.” Baseball is a great game, while the game of life leaves a lot to be desired. In baseball there are very few perfect games, very few no-hitters. The same thing is true for life. We know that our perfect game was spoiled by the death of a loved one. We have had one bad inning, but the game still goes on to give us many more opportunities to score in future innings.v Richard Carlson and his wife, Sharon, have six childeren; Kristi, Michelle, Shanda, Allicia, David, and Brandon, who died on Thanksgiving Day a little over four years ago. Richard is retired, and together with Sharon, founded the St. Paul Chapter of Compassionate Friends. We Need Not Walk Alone Winter/Spring 2009–2010 u u u u u u u u u u u u Creative Expression: A Tool for Healing Through Grief Unspeakable Loss: Helping Parents Cope with a Child Suicide The Money-Burge Act: In Memory of David Christopher Money For Brothers and Sisters: Feed Me For Grandparents: Healing Your Child as They Grieve the Loss of Their Child Book Review: What Does That Mean The Letter Talking to Children About Death Worldwide Candle Lighting® Lariat of Love TCF 33rd National Conference in Arlington, Virginia Focus on Your Journey Now Accepting Advertising We Need Not Walk Alone is now accepting paid advertising for grief-related information and products. Ads are available in 1/4-page, 1/2-page, and full-page sizes, and are accepted in high-resolution PDF format only. For additional information, including pricing, please call 877-969-0010, ext. 308, or write [email protected]. v WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 26 3/5/12 10:34 AM BOOK REVIEW • BOOK REVIEW ~By Harriet Hodgson ~Review by Dr. Heidi Horsley Harriet Hodgson, the author of 30 books, is no stranger to overcoming adversity and finding happiness after loss. In her latest inspirational and moving book for all those who mourn, she asks, “Will I survive? Will I ever be happy again?” After she was left to raise her twin grandchildren, while grieving for four family members, including her daughter, Harriet vowed not to let her deceased daughter down. Her pledge then and now: Helen, I will not fail you. Although Harriet has faced many challenges in her life, she describes multiple losses as the worst. Despite great adversity and loss, she reminds us that we are not alone in our grief, and, though losses may define our lives, they will not destroy them. This book is a must-have for anyone who has lost a family member. Written in a conversational style, the • BOOK REVIEW chapters are a chronology of a grief journey, and the titles include: • Life’s New Roles • The Impact of One Loss and Many • Weaving Your Safety Net • Unforeseen Challenges • Tapping Your Inner Strength • Self-Care Steps • Affirming Yourself • The Happiness Choice • A New Normal, a New Life Readers may turn to the resource section for more information, and there are blank pages for you to jot down your personal happiness plan. From start to finish, this book is all about help. In the preface Harriet tells how to make the most of Happy Again! and writes: Think of this book as a happiness guide and the recovery tips as signposts. Like all signposts, you may follow them, ignore them, or return to them later. The choices you make depend on your needs, which change from day to day and, in the throes of early grief, from hour to hour. The suggestions in this book will help you plan the new life that awaits you. This book tugged at my heartstrings. Harriet’s account of a journey from despair to hope is filled with practical suggestions on how to once again have a meaningful life. Her twin grandchildren were 15 years old when they moved in with her, and as the months passed, Harriet realized life had given her a choice. She could choose to be happy or choose to exist. Harriet is someone that has not only survived multiple losses, she has gone on to thrive. This book tells how she chose happiness, and gives you tools, tips, and sage advice for doing the same. As the executive director for the Open to Hope Foundation, I highly recommend this book! Not only will I recommend it to bereaved families, I will recommend it to professionals and graduate students working in the field of grief and loss. Happy Again! Your New and Meaningful Life After Loss inspired me, and I think it will inspire you. v Dr. Heidi Horsley, PsyD., is a bereaved sibling, as well as a psychologist. She is the executive director of the Open to Hope Foundation, cohost of the Open to Hope radio program, and an adjunct professor at Columbia University. This book is published by the Centering Corporation, and can be ordered through their website at www.centering.org, or by calling 866-218-0101. Free shipping is offered to TCF chapters and members. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 27 • 27 3/5/12 10:34 AM ~By Sam Turner Our meetings average 35 attendees. We break into three smaller groups and tighten the circles so we are knee-to-knee. We can now hear the soft voices of grievers, and we share a sense of closeness that is so important in the circle process. A newly bereaved may feel more comfortable and is more likely to share with a smaller group. The larger the group, the easier it is for the newly bereaved to disappear into silent tears and not share. One facilitator in each group guides the discussion and acts as a “gatekeeper” to ensure that each member has a chance to speak. At a recent meeting, I found myself in a group of six “seasoned” grievers, three of whom were facilitators; a rare happening. So . . . what do “seasoned” grievers talk about when in a small circle? What could possibly be said that the six of us have never discussed before? Our facilitator began by telling about her daughter’s art book that her teacher recently found. That led to discussing the book Elsewhere, by Gabrielle Zevin, a young adult book with an unusual theme. “It’s difficult to imagine my daughter at age 32, but I know what she looked like when she was eight!” The subject was a springboard for sharing memories of enjoyable experiences. We were relaxed as we spoke of remembered events. We drifted rudderless, from one thought to another, until someone mentioned gravesite visitations. A member told of trying to grow grass on his son’s grave but it always died. It turned out that some of his son’s friends regularly visited the site drinking beer . . . Another member spoke of feeling comfortable celebrating Mother’s Day by having a beer while sitting next to his mother’s crypt. We talked about pennies, dimes, and butterflies . . . We talked about “visits” by our children’s spirits. There was laughter. There were tears. We spoke of loneliness and moments of closeness. Of most importance was the feeling of togetherness that this small group shared. We agreed that small-group experiences like this are the very heart of The Compassionate Friends! At hour’s end, we all spoke our children’s names in unison: kennydrewsabrinaariellemercerrobert! v Sam and his wife, Phyllis, are coeditors/facilitators of Walking this Valley, the monthly newsletter for the Tucson Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. Their son Robert died of a sleep disorder July 2, 1997, at age 23. They have three surviving children. Subscription and Patron Form WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE The Compassionate Friends, Inc. 900 Jorie Blvd., Suite 78 / P.O. Box 3696, Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 [Quantity subscriptions are available. Contact the National Office toll-free at 877-969-0010.] ____ Yes, I would like a subscription to We Need Not Walk Alone, the national magazine of The Compassionate Friends, published triannually. ( ) $20 U.S.A. ( ) $23 Canada (U.S. Dollars) ( ) $30 Foreign Countries ____ Yes, I would like to make a Patron donation and receive a subscription to We Need Not Walk Alone. As a Patron, I understand that I will be assisting TCF in the promotion of the positive resolution of grief and the fostering of emotional and physical health of bereaved families throughout the United States following the death of a child. Patron Plan* ( ) Simon Stephens Founder’s Circle $10,000 or more ( ) President’s Circle 5,000 to 9,999 ( ) Circle of Love 2,500 to 4,999 ( ) Circle of Hope 1,000 to 2,499 ( ) Circle of Caring 500 to 999 ( ) Circle of Support 200 to 499 ( ) Circle of Friends 50 to 199 *Annual subscription to magazine included $____________________ Total enclosed Make check payable to: Send subscription to: Name ______________________________________________________________ Address ____________________________________________________________ City ___________________________________ State ______ Zip ______________ Patron Donation is o in Memory of o in Honor of ___________________ Thank you for your support. 28 • o The Compassionate Friends, Inc. or include your credit card information: Visa o MasterCard Exp. Date _________ Account No. _____________________________ CVC Code _______________________________ (3-digit code listed on the back of your credit card) Signature_________________________________ WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 28 3/5/12 10:34 AM Grief, Healing, and Time ~By Deb Kosmer© Today someone I loved died. I can’t believe it. I don’t believe it. I won’t believe it. Family comes. Friends come. The phone keeps ringing. The doorbell rings again and again. The ringing seems far away. I hear it but I seem unable to answer. My legs won’t move. My feet won’t move. I am glued to the chair. Others answer for me. They seem to know I don’t remember how. Tomorrow comes. I didn’t want it to ever come. I wanted to go back to the time before you died. There, I said it. You died. Does that make it true? There must be some mistake, I tell myself. Maybe this is just a bad dream I need to wake up from. If only someone would wake me up. When people ask me what they can do for me, I try to tell them the only thing I want is you. They look sad, they gently shake their head, they hug me, and still you’re not here. Your funeral is over. Everyone says I did so well. I hardly cried. Don’t they see I can’t cry, not yet. I am in shock. I hear someone else say, “Give her time, that’s all she needs.” I wonder: Can it really be that simple? If it is, I just want to run through time, however much it takes to get to the place where I don’t hurt so bad, don’t miss you so much. But no, I can’t do that. Even if I could, I would only be farther from you. My heart cannot bear that. Days pass. Tomorrow will be one month since you died. I wonder how I can just skip that day. I am afraid of it; of reliving every single detail of your death, knowing that one month ago you were here with me and my world was okay. Now I have no world. Everyone keeps telling me I just need to make a new world. But I liked my old one. I never asked to have it taken from me. Even if I wanted to, I don’t know how to start over. I don’t know where the beginning of that world TCF CHAPTER SUPPORT Circle of Friends ($50–$199) Madison County Chapter (Edwardsville, IL) in memory of Jim Monday, Margie Friedline, and Frank Leonard Wolf Point Chapter (Wolf Point, MT) Circle of Caring ($500–$999) Billings Chapter (Billings, MT) Circle of Love ($2,500–$4,999) Nashville Chapter (Nashville, TN) (Patrons, continued from page 25) Camille and Hugh White in memory of Hugh A. White Jr. Donna White in memory of Diane White Nancy and Ron White in memory of Keith C. White Mona and Bob Whitley in memory of Peter Whitley is or how to get there. Everything is so hard and makes me so tired. I just want to stay in bed. Days pass and turn into weeks. I am stuck in a world foreign to me, wondering where it is that you are and how you could have left me. I force myself to go through the motions of living and caring for others. They don’t seem to notice it’s just pretend and I am starring in the hardest role of my life. If only they had just an inkling of the place that I am in, of my fractured and broken heart. I never used to read the obituaries. Now I feel compelled to do so. I feel like a kindred spirit to others who must also travel the road I am on. I still feel so alone. Now they will feel alone, too. I feel like I should say something to them, but I do not know them; I only know their pain. Months continue to pass. I am back at work, back in church, getting my hair done. It all still seems strange, different, and doesn’t matter like it used to. Friends call. Sometimes I say, “Yes, I will go to dinner.” Other times I say, “Thanks for calling, but not today.” Many days it is still easier to just be alone where I don’t have to hide my tears when they come, where I can talk to you and not feel strange, where I can just be however I am that day and not try to fit into the place others have carved out for me. Finally, one day I surprise myself. I am humming a tune. For a little while, I feel lighter. I almost smile. I begin to judge myself. What’s the matter with me? How can I be even a little happy when you’re not here? But then I hear your voice in my head—or is it my heart, the place where you live—saying you are glad that I am humming, glad I can smile, encouraging me to live again. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I do both. But later that day I find myself humming again, and I smile and I know that I am going to be okay. v Deb Kosmer has worked in hospice for the past eleven years as a bereavement coordinator and social worker. She is the bereaved mother of a son and a stepdaughter, and is a bereaved sibling. Gina Whitsel in memory of Matthew David Campagna Willie and Darrell Wickman in memory of Geoffrey Deemer Wickman Becky and Dan Wieder in memory of Lisa Wieder Jill and Gregg Williams in memory of Morgan Leigh Williams Mia and Taylor Williams in memory of Rocket Williams Pamela Williams in memory of Meredith Williams Sally Wilmeth and Terry Geurkink in memory of Jenni and Kyle Geurkink Sue Wilson in memory of Allie Tease Loretta and Jerry Winters in memory of Don Bruce Winters Nancy and Daniel Wisley Karen Wolf in memory of Brad Wolf Kim and Randy Wolken in memory of Adam Wolken Sue Worrell in memory of Charlie Williams Jennifer Worthington in memory of Cyndy Geissler Beverly and Jim Wright in memory of Rhonda L. Andrews Jane Wrigley in memory of Joshua Marvin Kay and Gary Yanka in memory of Eric L. Yanka Ann and Ford Young in memory of Kendall Young Susan and Amnon Zaks in memory of Joseph Harry Zaks and Matan Zaks Karen and Ronald Zaylik in memory of Brian Ludlow Mr. and Mrs. Zelmanowitz in memory of Adam Zelmanowitz Suzanne Ziegler in memory of Kristi Leigh Ziegler Barbara Zinman in memory of Allison Weingarten Mary Joyce Zonfrillo in memory of Michael A. Zonfrillo III Sandy Zoulek v WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 29 • 29 3/5/12 10:34 AM Advertisement 30 • WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 30 3/5/12 10:34 AM Advertisement WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE Editor Catherine Patillo Copy Editor Deborah Wiseman To have material considered for publication, send to: [email protected] or [email protected] or Catherine Patillo, WNNWA P.O. Box 526194 Salt Lake City, UT 84152-6194 THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS Executive Director Patricia A. Loder TCF National Office 900 Jorie Blvd., Suite 78 P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 Phone: (630) 990-0010 Toll-Free: (877) 969-0010 Fax: (630) 990-0246 E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.compassionatefriends.org One complimentary copy of We Need Not Walk Alone is sent to bereaved families who contact the National Office. To receive future issues, please use the subscription form in this issue or visit The Compassionate Friends on the Internet at www.compassionatefriends.org. Contact the National Office for information on quantity subscription prices. Copyright © 2012 The Compassionate Friends, Inc. All Rights Reserved. We encourage the reprinting of individual articles, unless specified “one time only,” but ask that proper credit be given to We Need Not Walk Alone. This magazine is not to be reproduced for distribution in its entirety without written permission from the National Office. WE NEED NOT WALK ALONE 145769 Win11Spr12WNNWA r4.indd 31 • 31 3/5/12 10:34 AM THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS, INC. P. O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 Return Service Requested Postmaster: Dated Material, Please Deliver Promptly P. O. Box 3696 Nonprofit Nonprofit U.S. Postage Postage U.S. PAID PAID Oak Brook, Brook, IL IL Oak Permit No. No. 251 251 Permit Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 Return Service Requested Postmaster: Dated Material, Please Deliver Promptly Costa Mesa, California Home of The Compassionate Friends 35th National Conference/5th International Gathering July 20-22, 2012 When you’re grieving the death of a child within your family, nothing seems real, nothing seems normal. So often friends and relatives don’t know how to give you the support you need. They mean well, but don’t know how to react to your loss. When you attend a Compassionate Friends National Conference, you know that everyone is the same—you’re all grieving for a child, a sibling, or a grandchild. Some will be further along in their journey while others will just be starting. A TCF National Conference gives you the opportunity to open up about your loss and to learn from others. Here’s some of what you can expect at the upcoming Compassionate Friends National Conference: • Four outstanding keynote speakers: Lois Duncan award winning author of 48 books including “Who Killed My Daughter”; Kathy Eldon, journalist, producer, activist, author whose son, a Reuters photographer, died at the hands of an angry mob in Somalia; Darcie Sims brings her wit and wisdom as an international speaker, bereaved parent and certified grief management specialist; and Reverend Canon Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends worldwide and bereaved sibling who recognized that the bereaved can often support each other in a way no other can. • More than 100 workshops covering most areas of grief after the death of a child • Complete sibling program • Friday evening special entertainment • Remembrance Candle Lighting • Sharing sessions, hospitality rooms, meditation room, butterfly boutique, bookstore • Thirteenth annual Compassionate Friends Walk to Remember • Much, much more! One of many positive comments received after last year’s national conference: I attended my first conference and it was one of the best things I have ever done. The friends I made were incredible and the feeling throughout the whole weekend was so healing. I never thought I would have to belong to such a club, but am grateful it is there to help. Thank you TCF! For all the latest information including registration information and online reservations for the host hotel, the beautiful Hilton Orange County/Costa Mesa hotel, visit www.compassionatefriends.org and click on “TCF 2012 National/ International Conference” under “News and Events,” or call 877-969-0010. 146187 Win11Spr12WNNWA Back Page WNNWA r2.indd 145769 r4.indd 132 2/6/12 10:34 1:31 AM PM 3/5/12