Roar! Lent 2012 - Issue 1

Monday January 20, 2013 // Aron Penczu & Jake Thorold // Printed in Emmanuel // £0.04 pp.
Roar
Lent ‘13, Issue 1
Exlusive: An Interview with Dave
After fourteen years as the
undisputed King of Catering,
Emmanuel legend Dave has
dropped the plates and donned
a porter’s jacket. The world will
never be the same.
Roar gets cosy with Dave
inside the plodge.
Tell us about your new life
as a porter.
Well, it’s a real big change
for me of course. There are
a lot of things I miss already
from the catering department,
but I seem to be fitting in well.
Of course I’m still learning
many different things for the
rather important job that I
have here, with the rest of the
team, who are a wonderful
team—a wonderful help.
Some of our readers have
had difficulties in differentiating ‘Monty’ and ‘Paul’. Tell
us your secret.
[Laughs.] Well, I’ve known
Paul for quite a long time
now. But if you want a tip
on it I personally look at the
moustache—there is a distinct
difference between them.
Several people have had
nervous breakdowns because
of your absence from the
catering staff. What words
of solace can you offer these
bereaved souls?
Really? I didn’t quite realize
that was the case. I’m not too
sure, I mean, it’s not like I
disappeared from the college completely, in fact I’m
probably doing a lot more, it’s
a lot more open for me now
to be around the college, so,
if anybody wants to come
and see me they’re more than
welcome to anytime.
Situation: Charlie Kimber
is once again throwing wine
bottles out of a window. How
do you respond?
Well, if I had to catch
Charlie Kimber, or anyone,
in fact, throwing wine bottles
out of a window, well, my
presence would have to be
known straightaway that I’m
there, and I’ll be straight into
the room to see how they’re
doing, and make sure they
haven’t broken bottles in their
room for a start—and then
it’ll have to be tidied up rather
quickly but whether I do that
or Charlie Kimber will do that
or both of us I’m not too sure.
I’d probably have both of us
do it to make sure he’ll be fine.
Should stepping on the
grass of Front Court be punishable by death?
Well, we have some old
rules in this college—it
wouldn’t surprise me if they
decided to do such things…
Have you ever been to
Cindies?
Cindies? Well, yeah I’ve
been to Cindies… you know,
it was called Fifth Avenue
when I went there—from
what I remember the drinks
were really expensive, it was
very crowded as well, but
then again after several pints
or shots in the student bar
before you head down there it
doesn’t really matter does it?
Sounds about right. I’ve
lost my key, can I have a
spare?
It might cost you fifteen
quid!
E(x)C(lu)SUion
Eagle-eyed readers of ECSU’s committee names & aims
page may have spotted something awry. That’s right, folks:
where, on that double-side
collection of things that will
never happen, was Roar?
ECSU’s decision to censor the free press with the
justification that ‘you never
bothered to send us anything’
epitomizes Jessica Reilly’s
increasingly autocratic style.
Yet we will not be repressed:
in the name of daring civil
disobedience, we hereby print
our 2013 aims:
- Topple Jessica Reilly’s
dictatorship
- Slander without evidence
or compunction
- Alienate our friends and
possibly families
Vive la resistance!
NRA Urges Secession From Washington
Barely a month after Sandy Hook,
leaders of the NRA have announced their
plans for secession from the USA.
David A. Keene, current NRA President, was triumphant at the pulpit on
Saturday, and smiled as crowds cheered
and waved their firearms. Several AK-47s
and AR-15s were spotted in the crowd,
and in the jubilation that punctuated his
speech at least two assault rifles misfired.
‘Y’all saw that happen, dincha!’ he said as
a loud gunburst was followed by screams
and the sound of a young child dying.
‘That boy was not, I repeat, not, shat by a
guhn. The trigger shat him.’ Ambulances
tried to wade in for the 8-year old boy
but were hampered by obese Americans
going wild. They were unable to rescucitate Matthew, whose mother stated that
‘he would’ve wanted to die for what I
believe in’.
Keene claims that ‘Communist-Muslim
Obama’ is second only to ‘them goddamned Mexikins’ as a threat to ‘everything I love about this country: liberty,
justice, and guns’.
This is why the NRA plans to take all
50 states with it, leaving only Washing-
EMMA ENTS presents...
WEDNESDAY NIGHT FEVER
(Disco/Funk/80s)
Wednesday 23rd January @ Emmanuel College Bar, 9pm-12
*EXCLUSIVE* £2 Lola Lo’s entry
with an Emma Ents stamp.
Editors Tips: look out for the
worst DJs in Cambridge, pretensious vinyl, awful ‘cocktails’, and
horrific dancing.
The alternative is Cindies.
See you in the Emma ‘Bar’!
What Happens in an ECSU
Meeting? Agents Reveal All...
1. One person speaks.
2. Another person speaks.
3. People ponder.
4. More people speak.
5. Minutes trickle by.
6. Nothing gets resolved.
7. Penczu gets stressed.
8. Thorold tells him to calm down.
9. Penczu won’t calm down.
10. Penczu can’t calm down.
Fill in Reanne’s
survey or puppies
will die. She wants
less potato salad:
don’t you?
ton, D.C. as an unavoidable loss. Keene
advised all inhabitants of Washington to
leave ‘before the borders close on them’.
Some NRA members, however, feel
Keene has overstepped his authority.
‘Isn’t it enough,’ one member told Roar
on Sunday, ‘to give our children a good
Christian upbringing in the use of heavy
weaponry?’ He added that ‘a true American would rather give every child an
AK-47 than betray the Constitution.’
Later that day he accidentally shot his
daughter, and called her survival ‘God’s
own miracle.’
ECSU Unveils Shopping Mall
Revolution is afoot in the ECSU shop.
Under Helen Creighton’s management
the shop is revitalized, restocked, and,
most remarkably, occasionally open.
Banished to the extremities of history
are memories of the corruption and
ineptitude of Benjamin Stretch’s regime,
and in its place come transparency, vast
Tangy Tom’s Tomato Flavour Corn Snack
reserves, and multiple broken squash
rackets.
On Sunday, a record 3.5 eager customers crammed into the shop for its
grand re-opening. In front of the crowds
Creighton declared triumphantly: ‘Sweets
for all! Pens for all! Tampons for some!’
Particularly popular has been Creighton’s ‘bargain bucket’, which sells
mold-infested chocolate at discount prices. At the time of press only five Emmanuel students had been struck down with
food poisoning, statistics which ‘speak
for themselves,’ according to the elated
manager.
Faced with an overwhelming amount
of choice, Emma students have found
choosing purchases difficult. Fascist
Romney-minion Joshua Fidler-Brown
told Roar he ‘just can’t decide between
the 2004 guidebook to Malawi and a
pirated DVD of Ben Hur.’ Others have
struggled with the idea of walking 12.87
meters from Freepos simply to buy some
sweets.
Despite these problems, Creighton’s
new approach appears to be reaping dividends. Last week, for example, a record
13% of customers actually paid for what
they bought. Future plans include ensuring that the majority of this isn’t spent on
Robinson Udale’s account (ru213, if you
are wondering). Happy Shopping!